


Forever and Always

by FrankieFandom



Category: Chicago Fire
Genre: Amputee, Angst, Break Up, Chronic Pain, Domestic Fluff, Emotional Hurt, Established Relationship, Hospitalization, Hurt/Comfort, Illnesses, Long-Term Relationship, M/M, Major Character Injury, Mild Sexual Content, Nightmares, PTSD, Physical Disability, Plot Twists, Sick Character, Trauma, True Love, hurt!Casey
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-21
Updated: 2018-12-01
Packaged: 2018-12-04 20:57:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 63
Words: 256,812
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11563206
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FrankieFandom/pseuds/FrankieFandom
Summary: There are moments in life when you realise nothing will ever be the same. But change doesn't mean everything is over. It was only just beginning of a lifetime for Severide and Casey. A life filled with ups and downs, tears, joys, pain and laughter.





	1. Concrete Tomb

**Author's Note:**

> Just a few things to note about the universe this little story is based in; Shay is very much alive, Casey never suffered a head injury and Dawson isn't part of their lives. Casey never met Hallie. Severide and Casey are in an established relationship. As always, I'm not a medical professional but a lot of time and research has gone into making all this as accurate as possible with limited resources.

When you wake up in the morning you never really think that it could be the day that your life changes forever. With Casey's job it was always a possibility every time he walked into the firehouse. But he couldn't think like that, none of them could, or they wouldn't be able to do their jobs. If everyone lived in constant fear of something dreadful happening they would never step out their front doors. Of course no one ignores the fact that their job is dangerous but overthinking and fear can scare the best of men. Casey, like many other firefighters and first responders, never hesitated to step outside his own home and never once hesitated when the alarms rang out in the firehouse. He knew full well that life could change in an instant, in the blink of an eye. He had seen it many times. Experienced it too. But he didn't dwell on the thought and lived life the best way he could.

"Morning, sleepy, you got in late last night." Severide's smiling face was just inches from Casey's as he opened his eyes and smiled back, enjoying the comfort and warmth as he heard the rain hammering down outside.

"Yeah, sorry, didn't want to wake you." Casey sat up and stretched his arms and shoulders. The bed covers fell down to his waist.

Severide admired Casey's athletic form, he reached out a hand, stroking his back muscles lovingly. "So what was the emergency at Molly's then?" he asked.

"Herrmann had managed to jam the back door, he just needed a second pair of hands," Casey replied with a small shrug.

Severide sat up and sighed. "Wish you hadn't gone…"

"You think I'd rather be at Molly's than lying in bed with you?"

"You need to learn to say no," Severide teased.

"You want me to say no next time you suggest handcuffs?" he grinned back.

"The next twenty-four hours can't go fast enough… I hate pretending…"

"So do I," Casey nodded in agreement. "But until we figure it out I guess it's what we're gonna have to do." He let his weight fall into Severide's body, welcoming it's support and heat, Severide was always so much warmer than he was. "As soon as a lieutenants position opens up at another house I'll jump at the opportunity."

"You're really willing to do that?"

"51 has been the family that I never had but I want you, and I don't want any secrets," he replied then added, "Besides, I'm much more likely to get an opportunity than you are…"

"Unless I speak to my dad, get something in arson or…"

Casey shook his head. "And stop fighting fires? I don't think either of us could ever stop doing that."

"I'd do anything for you, Matt."

"You don't need to, an office job will make you miserable… I don't want to make you miserable… it'll all work out." He smiled. "Everything always does eventually."

* * *

From the start it wasn't their average run of the mill call. A terrorist attack. A bomb had exploded by an office building. In the end it turned out to have been a mistake, the timer had been set incorrectly, in a way it was fortunate because more people would have been hurt or even killed if it had gone off when it had been planned. It was when a second explosion occurred that the real damage happened though, the emergency services were still on the scene getting people to safety.

"We're clear, Chief," Casey called into the radio as he made his way out of the office building, the bomb had caused half of it to cave in, they were fortunate that there were only a few people inside since it was early in the morning. "Severide's just coming out with the last victim," Casey explained as he followed Severide and the victim.

Boden nodded, pleased with all their efforts, the bomb had not caused any fatalities. "Good job, Ca…"

The sound of the second explosion was deafening. Everyone within a few feet of the building was flung back and showered with rubble and dust. Severide pulled himself up, recovered himself and carried his victim to the triage area. His ears were ringing from the explosion. His head was all over the place. He could barely think, but when he could his first thought was Casey.

"Casey's still inside…" he muttered as he turned back to the collapsed building, dust was still accumulating in the air, his ears were still ringing. "Casey's inside," he said louder this time.  
  
Severide started towards the entranceway where he knew Casey had been following him just before the second explosion had gone off. All his thoughts were on him, he'd been right behind him, only a few feet away and now a pile of steel and concrete lay in between them. His heart was pounding his chest, his legs were marching towards the structure but they felt numb, they didn't feel like his own, he could feel his hands trembling just as he reached the edge of the disaster zone.

A strong hand grabbed him and pulled him back, it was Boden. "Severide stop, the whole structure's unstable…"

"He was right behind me, I'll get him…" He managed to tug away from Boden's grip.

"Kelly! Wait!" Boden yelled after him. "Use your head. Let's do this properly."

* * *

When Casey regained his senses he could hardly move. He'd managed to pull his right arm out bit by bit but his glove had remained entombed under the rubble. He couldn't move anymore. There was too much weight pressing down on him. His helmet was lying near him, its small light was cracked and flickering but for now it was still illuminating the tiny space around him and highlighting the blood on his free hand. He could see the dust in the small pocket of air around him. He was pinned down on his left side, his back twisted on his oxygen tank. Adrenaline was coursing through his body hiding most of the pain. He thought he could hear someone groaning but after calling and hearing nothing apart from some creaking and groaning where metal and concrete were moving against each other as they settled, he realised the small moans were slipping out of his own dry lips. He let his eyes closed, it was too much effort to keep them open any longer, and he wondered if anyone would ever find him down here.

When he woke again he was still alone and in pain. Adrenaline gone, depleted. He was exhausted. He'd given up with his radio, all he was getting was static. He was in and out of consciousness, in and out of lucidity, at points it felt like he was floating and at others he could feel his bones grinding against each other. "I'm down here…" he tried to call out but he voice was weak and his throat was dry, he didn't even know if anyone was trying to listen. "I'm down here… down here…" his voice faded. What if the whole area had gone up? There'd be so many casualties, so many deaths and injuries, and he couldn't even help himself never mind help anyone else. His eyes closed. He was trapped in a concrete tomb.

"Matt, can you hear me?"

He recognised that voice. It sounded like it was coming from the distance. He opened his mouth to reply but all that came out was an unintelligible groan.

"Matt, open your eyes for me… show me those eyes…"

The voice still sounded like it was coming from far away but he forced his dust coated eyelids open and a very familiar face was right by his own. "Kel?"

"Hey..." Severide smiled at the recognition in Casey's eyes. "This is an odd place to hang out, you've found yourself a little quiet spot…" he said lightly, trying to hide all the worry from his voice and features but it was difficult, he could see how most of Casey's body was well hidden underneath mounds of rubble and two solid slabs of concrete. "Do you remember what happened?"

"Erm… I erm..." he coughed and spluttered, his chest burned, "I erm…"

"It's ok," Severide nodded and touched his cheek in an act of assuredness from the view of the rest of his crew, but really it was an act of love, his skin was cold to the touch. He pulled of his jacket and slipped it under Casey's head, it was warm down here, stifling even, the oxygen was thin and the fallen walls around them were thick.

"Bomb…" Casey whispered after a while.

"There was a second explosion," Severide explained, trying to keep Casey's attention. In the torchlight he looked so incredibly pale, almost as grey as the stone around him and there were tear tracks on his cheeks, he'd been down in this concrete tomb for some time before he was located and found. Severide dreaded to think of Casey's thoughts during that time, he almost hoped he'd been unconscious for most of it but somehow he doubted that. He was covered by dirt and dust, his breaths were shallow and rapid, he was in pain and he wasn't trying to hide it, he was trembling and looking around numbly. "How are we looking?" Severide pulled his eyes away from Casey's and looked towards his crew who were quickly assessing the situation.

"Kelly?" Casey's voice broke through the air.

The look Severide gave told Casey what he already assumed. "It's gonna take some time, Case, there's several floors of steel reinforced concrete on top of you…"

"Sorry…"

Severide laughed. "You would be."

"It hurts…" With the adrenaline gone he was being overwhelmed by almost unbearable pain. It hurt to breathe. Hurt to think. Really he just wanted to close his eyes and disappear from the world but the logical part of his brain was telling him he shouldn't do that, and that Severide wouldn't let him do that.

"We can do something about that." He smiled down at him. "Can we get a paramedic down here?" Severide questioned into his radio, "Painkillers, fluids… can we have oxygen down here yet?"

_"No oxygen, Lieutenant, you're using cutting torches and there's live wires around the place. Waiting for the power to get…"_

"Painkillers sound good…" Casey slurred. "How bad is it? Can't feel my legs… or much else… just hurts… God... it hurts…" His face scrunched up in pain.

"Hey, hey… you're fine, you're ok. Not called the rescue squad for nothing."

"How bad is it?" he repeated because Severide hadn't answered his question.

"It's not good but it could be worse." Severide forced a smile, still keeping his tone light. Casey tried to move but he stilled him. "Don't try to move. You've got half a building on top of you."

"Shouldn't you be calling for a trauma surgeon?" he laughed through gritted teeth.

"We're gonna get you out." Then Severide added, "All of you."

"How many… people… people are hurt?"

"Few got caught in the blast, no fatalities." Severide watched as he nodded, as he gritted his teeth and clamped his eyes shut. "Get some painkillers in you soon, I promise…"

Casey tried to take some steadying breaths, tried to slow his heartrate down, he could feel it pounding against his chest, he could feel himself trembling and shaking on the cold ground. "I'm going into shock…" He'd seen it many times before, he knew exactly what happened to trapped and crushed victims. He knew that sometimes it was impossible to get them out. He knew that sometimes they didn't make it even after their exhausted efforts to get them out. He'd called for trauma surgeons himself, and from what he could see of the rubble he was sure he'd have called for one in this situation. Severide was being too hopeful but he knew soon that he wouldn't have any say in the matter, he wondered how much longer he'd remain conscious, how much longer he'd remain lucid, before Severide and the others would be making all the decisions.

"I know, I know..." worry was evident in Severide's voice, he couldn't hide it, "We're gonna get some fluids into you and..."

"Crush syndrome," Casey stated simply and weakly. Telling Severide he knew how bad the situation was and the quietness of his voice telling Severide that he was fading. He knew what crush injuries did to the body. He also knew he was losing too much blood trapped underneath the rock and stone.

"We're gonna give you fluids and besides, you're not crushed you're just stuck," he replied, glancing over to the others who were working on freeing Casey's lower body before smiling back down at him.

"Sounds like you're trying to convince yourself," Casey laughed and started coughing, the air was thick and full of dust. The tonnes of concrete on top of his torso and lower body weren't helping his breathing either. Soft groans and whimpers were escaping his lips involuntarily.

Severide heard movement, he smiled with relief when he looked back and saw Shay making her way through the gap in the fallen debris and rubble. "Here comes Shay."

Casey smiled up at her once she reached his side, it was a tight fit with Severide there as well, and the rest of Squad 3 working a few feet away. "Shay... I'm glad it's you..." he slurred.

"Hey, Matt," she smiled back, looking around for visible injuries. "How you doing?"

"Little stuck," he forced a smile.

She could feel Casey trembling fiercely as she took his pulse. Weak and thready. They needed to get him out of there. His eyes were dull and she could tell he'd been crying.   
  
"I'm gonna give you some fluids and some meds, all right?" she nodded down at him as she prepared a large bore IV. "This is gonna hurt just a little…" She bit her lip as she concentrated on the IV and passed Severide the saline bag to hold up, "All done, you're getting some fluids now." She emptied a syringe of Dextran into the IV because they didn't know how long it would be until he would get some blood, and by the looks of things he was losing too much. "How's the pain? Scale of one to ten?" she questioned him.

"Erm... what?" He was gazing up at her, a small crease between his brows.

"Give me your pain on a scale one to ten?" she repeated.

"Erm... seven?" He didn't really know. He just knew that it hurt, the most pain he'd ever felt, he wanted to say ten. He want to say a hundred. It hurt. Everything hurt.

"Where's it hurt most?" she probed, trying to keep him talking and thinking whilst assessing the damaged, although from his position it was clear there was going to be damage to his torso and his legs although she hoped there was not.

"My stomach... erm... my hips..." he muttered, "I erm… I can't feel my legs… I'm no doctor but I'm sure that's not a good sign…"

She injected some morphine after she watched his eyes flutter closed. "He's fading," she shook her head. "He's bleeding... internally, probably externally… we need to get him out," she stated, her eyes wide with worry as she spoke to Severide.

"We're working on it," Tony called from just a couple of feet away, where he and the rest of Severide's crew were working on extracting Casey without risking further collapse to the building.

Severide was focused on trying to rouse Casey once again, he wanted him awake and alert, wanted him fighting. "Matt? Come on... wake up for me…"

It took some time but eventually Casey's eyes opened. "Kel..." It was so quiet it couldn't be heard above the groaning of the fallen concrete and rubble.

"Hey, bud," Severide smiled down at him.

"What happened?" Casey tried to look around. "Can't move…"

"We're getting you out," he reassured him.

"Out of what?" Casey questioned, coughing on the dust filled air.

"There was an explosion…"

"Oh sorry… yeah… yeah..." Casey slurred, "The bomb… everyone out?"

"Yeah," he nodded, "You did good, Matt."

Casey was shaking his head. "Tired…"

Severide cast a worried glance to Shay who spoke to Casey now. "Matt, you need to stay awake for us, ok?"

"Uh huh…" he mumbled.

"Talk to me," Severide insisted, Casey was slipping and slipping fast. "Tell me about…"  
  
Something shifted sending a shockwave around the collapsed building, dust and rubble erupted and Casey screamed. It was an all consuming agonising sound until unconsciousness took over. Severide just covered his head and hoped that Casey would still be breathing when he pulled away. He was.   
  
"Shay get out of here…"

"Kelly I'm…"

"It's not safe, go," he ordered, eyes focused on Casey's unconscious and ashen form. He heard Shay leave, leaving him with another bag of saline and some morphine. He relaxed just a little knowing that at least she was out of danger. "Matt? Matty?" He rubbed Casey's chest and eventually his eyes opened once again.

"Kel…"

"Talk to me, tell me what you wanna do for Christmas this year," Severide insisted in an attempt to keep him lucid and alert.

"Kelly, if I don't make it…"

Severide shook his head, telling Casey not to continue. "You're gonna be…"

"Kel... if I don't make it just... carry on, all right? Don't pause your life. Keep living…"

"Wouldn't be living without you... so hang in there. You'll be out of here in no time, you're not dying, you're just stuck. Now, tell me what you want to do for Christmas."

"Christmas?"

"Yeah, what do you wanna do? Have it at yours or…"

"I erm… I…"

"Casey?"

"Erm… I can't…" he struggled as his eyes slipped closed.

"Damnit, Matt…" Severide muttered, staring down at Casey's unconscious form.

"Lieutenant, we can slide the hydraulic pump in now if you can pull him out, won't have time to stabilise him in case it shifts," Capp warned.

"All right," Severide nodded, "Get out of here, you guys don't need to stay, I can operate the…"

"We're not going anywhere." His crew stood their ground.

Their position remained stable as Severide slid Casey out from underneath the wreckage as careful as possible but Casey woke. He woke and he screamed again. There was no holding back the pain he felt, the scream was made from raw terror, Severide thought the whole world must have heard it and stopped on its axis because it sounded like someone had just torn off all four of his limbs simultaneously. It was an agonising sound. Casey was still whimpering noiselessly once Severide lay him still, he had no sound left. His eyes were dull and glazed. His skin was the colour of ash underneath the thick coat of dust and grime.

"Send down the stokes basket!" he called up, eyes still fixed on Casey. Even hidden underneath his turnout trousers Severide could tell his legs were a mess. "Stay with me, Matt, you're almost out of here."  
  
But Casey didn't acknowledge Severide's words, there was only pain in his mind. He remained entirely unaware as he was strapped into the stokes basket and pulled up towards the light. Severide and his crew scrambled out afterwards. Severide broke through from the darkness, chucked off his helmet and immediately followed Casey as he was taken to the ambulance where Shay and Rafferty were waiting for him.

* * *

Casey was unconscious as Shay cut through and stripped off his clothing in the back of the ambulance as they sped to the hospital. She paused after his turnout trousers fell away. She almost gasped at the sight of the crushed, splintered, shattered and broken bones. She could see the whites of bone, torn muscle and flesh. There was blood, so much blood. She quickly and carefully began wrapping the wounds to stem the flow, only stopping to replace the bag of fluids, at the rate he was losing blood into his abdomen and from his legs she knew he was going to need a transfusion as soon as he got to the ER.

"Kel…" Casey voiced weakly, almost drowned out by the sound of the heart monitor.

"He'll meet us at the hospital Matt," Shay informed him as she moved up to his head, his eyes were half lidded and searching around. "You're in the back of the ambo, sweetie. Want some more painkillers?" she asked, aware that he'd not had any since the moment before he was released from the concrete tomb.

Casey just nodded slightly, tears in his eyes, he barely had the strength to think let alone speak.

"Here we go," she emptied another syringe of morphine into the IV line, "Won't take long to work."

He suddenly let out another cry of pain, Shay gripped his hand. "What's wrong?" he questioned through gritted teeth.

"You're bleeding internally, I think your pelvis is broken," she replied honestly, she wasn't going to hide anything from him, she knew he understood how grave his injuries could be after being crushed and trapped for such a length of time.

"Tell Kel… I…"

"You can tell him yourself," she insisted.

He shook his head, tears were making tracks in the dust and grime on his face. "I love him… make sure he… doesn't... doesn't do… anything stupid…"

"I will," she smiled down at him as his eyes fluttered closed. She glanced at the monitors and his constantly dropping blood pressure, and yelled out, "What's our ETA?"

"Two minutes out."

She squeezed his hand comfortingly. "Hang in there, Matt…"


	2. Choice

Shay and Rafferty rushed through the ER doors and were immediately surrounded by the team that had been waiting for Casey's arrival. The hospital was busy with some of the casualties from the scene, but most were not with severe trauma patients fortunately for Casey.

"Matt Casey, 34. Crush injuries to the legs and torso. Suspected broken pelvis. He's had twenty of morphine and two litres of fluid in the field. Long extraction time, he was trapped for almost three hours," Shay informed them quickly.

"Get him to Trauma Two," the doctor replied as he rushed along beside the gurney. "Neurocircuit intact?"

"No," Shay replied. "Couldn't get a posterior pulse…"

"All right, we'll take it from here…" the doctor began as they reached the trauma room.

"Let me stay, he's…"

"Sorry." A nurse shook her head and began to lead Shay out of the room, back to where Rafferty was waiting by the swinging doors. "He's in good hands…"

As the doors started to close behind the nurse Shay could hear and see the mass of actions that were taking place to save Casey's life. "Ok, we've got multiple fractures… call ortho and vascular, get renal down here too and let's get an ultrasound of his…"

The doors shut and Shay could hear no more.

* * *

Casey regained consciousness in the midst of a flurry of movement and noise. It was light, he was out of that concrete tomb but he still couldn't move, he was struggling to keep his eyes open, he wondered if he was still in the ambulance but he couldn't see Shay's face amongst the crowd of people above him.

"Doctor, he's awake," he heard the soft voice from overhead.

"Hi, Matt, you're in the hospital." A face appeared above him, a man with greying hair. "Do you remember what happened?"

After a short while the doctors question penetrated Casey's thoughts and he nodded slightly, barely able to even move his neck.

"Good, is there anyone you want us to call for you?"

"Kel…" he mumbled. "He was... he was with me…" he frowned, wondering where he had gone, he was struggling to remember all the details, he hadn't been trapped with him too, had he?

"At the scene?" the nurse questioned him, partly to keep him alert whilst all his injuries were being assessed.

"In the building…" he was still frowning, trying to figure out exactly what had happened but all his body wanted to do was sleep.

"Ok, I'm sure he'll be here soon," she reassured him. "Is there any family you want us to call?"

He shook his head.

The doctor appeared above him once again. "All right, Matt, we're going to be taking you up surgery soon."

"Surgery… my legs?" he questioned. He still couldn't feel his legs, and now he thought about it he couldn't feel much else anymore.

"You're bleeding internally, we're going to fix that."

"Mmm…" he tried to speak, tried to ask what else was wrong because his body was trembling almost violently on the gurney.

"Matt, we're going to give you some medicine so we can put a tube down your throat… Matt? … He's out. ET tube…"

* * *

Severide rushed into the ER, his crew were still on the rig, parking it away from the emergency entrance. He found Shay immediately, she was standing  by one of the trauma rooms with an apprehensive look across her face and arms crossed, she'd not long spoken to the ER doctor who had run Casey's assessment. "Where is he?" Severide questioned as he strode up to her, ready to move to wherever Casey was.

"They've taken him up to the OR…" she began.

"Already?"

"He's bleeding internally," Shay replied simply. "They don't know what the cause is so they're doing an emergency laparotomy."

"His legs?" he asked with no attempt to hide his concern and fear.

"I… I don't know, their priority is to stop the internal bleeding." Then she tried to reassure him, "Kelly, he was trapped for less than three hours, it could have been worse, his heart could have stopped because of the crush injuries to…"

"Yeah," he nodded almost frantically, "Yeah, it could have been worse… He's in surgery now?"

"Yeah, they red-lined him up," she replied.

"They'll fix the bleeding, right? How much blood had he lost? He's gonna be ok, right?" he question frantically.

"He was losing a lot blood but they're transfusing him…"

"They need blood?"

She shook her head. "They have plenty."

"Ok, good," he nodded, then he faltered, "I… I don't even know his blood type… I should know that sort of thing…."

"Kelly, I think you need to sit down," she advised, placing a hand on his arm trying to persuade him over to one of the chairs.

"I'm all right, I'm fine… I want to see him…"

"He's in surgery," she reminded him.

"How long?"

"I don't know. Could be a couple of hours, could be seven." She shrugged as she gave out the random number, without knowing the full extent of his internal injuries there was no telling how long the surgery would take.

He finally sat down in one of the chairs along the corridor wall, he sighed heavily, hardly believing the situation Casey was in. "You saw his legs?" he asked as Shay sat next to him.

She nodded slowly. "They're badly damaged."

"Did he have a pulse?" He watched as Shay just shook her head sadly. "Neither leg?"

"No."

"But they're not working on them now?" he questioned.

"I think the ortho and vascular teams are looking over his scans and deciding what's best," she replied. "The doctor said that if Matt is stable enough they may get to work on them during his surgery, or they will take him in again at later time."

"They can't just fix it all now?"

"Kelly, it wasn't just his legs that were… that were broken," she began honestly. "His pelvis… his pelvis was shattered. Pelvic injuries can damage at lot inside, probably another reason for all the internal bleeding."

"It's fixable?"

"They're gonna do everything they can."

* * *

After Severide and Shay spent a little more time together in the seats by the trauma rooms they decided to go and meet the others from 51. They were all still waiting at the front of the ER, they simply explained that Casey was in surgery, and after a brief conversation they all went up to the surgical floor waiting room.  
  
It was hours before a man in scrubs appeared calling out, "Matthew Casey's family?"

Severide stood up. "He's ok?" he questioned hopefully.

"We've stopped the bleeding, the surgeon's just closing up now…" the doctor began.

"He's going to be ok?" Severide insisted. "Tell us, we are his family, I'm his emergency contact…"

"Kelly Severide?"

"Yes," he nodded.

"Let's go and talk in private," the doctor said, putting out an arm to direct him away from the others.

Severide shook his head. "It's fine, Casey would want…"

"Kelly, it's fine," Boden's voice came from behind.

Severide nodded and followed the doctor. Everyone else remained in the waiting room. With an air of forced positivity Cruz spoke up, "Well, it can't be that bad if he made it through the surgery, right?"  
  
His question went unanswered.

* * *

"I'm actually his partner," Severide stated when they rounded the corner away from the waiting room. "Not many of the others know… He is gonna be ok, right?"

The doctor nodded and gave a small smile. "Let's sit."

"It's bad then?" he questioned as he sat down.

"We performed an exploratory laparotomy to find the source of the bleeding since there was too much blood to see anything clearly on the scans. His spleen was severely lacerated and unrepairable so we had to remove it," the doctor explained, hanging on to every word as he spoke. "His pelvis was shattered. His renal artery was also lacerated and the blood supply to his kidneys was cut off, we couldn't save them."

"Both?" Severide repeated quietly, "Both his kidneys?"

"He'll go on a machine for now to replace their function, " the doctor responded before continuing gravely, "His heart went into v-fib halfway through the surgery but we got a steady rhythm back, however, for that reason we decided not to have ortho operate on his legs, but they have fixed his pelvis with titanium screws and plates…"

"Can you fix his legs?" Severide questioned. "How badly were they damaged?"

"He needs reconstructive surgery on them both," he paused for a moment. "It's very unlikely that he'll walk again unaided. He has no sensation below his right knee and unfortunately those nerves won't repair. We're also worried about infection, he does have a fever and the wounds on the right leg are inflamed. They've both been debrided, cleaned and bathed in antibiotic solution but the best option may be to amputate the right leg. Infection could also spread, and now he has no spleen it will be harder for him to fight it since it's a vital part of the immune system..."

"Amputate?" Severide's breath caught in his throat. "When will you know if that needs to happen?"

"We need to make a decision soon, time is essential. Without adequate blood flow his body can't get the oxygen and nutrients they need from the bloodstream. The affected tissue will begin to die and infection will set in higher up in the leg, it will spread," the doctor replied sombrely.

"You're asking me to make the decision? Can't we ask him?" Severide didn't want to be responsible, he didn't want Casey to wake up and discover the choice he'd had to make without Casey's input. He didn't want to change his life forever, but he supposed with his injuries that had already happened. Casey's life would never be the same again. How could he ever tell him about his injuries? He wanted to save him from all the hurt and the pain, he had always wanted to save him from all the hurt and the pain, but he couldn't make this decision without him. Casey needed to know.

"He's under a lot medication, a lot of pain relief, he may not be very coherent when he wakes in the next few hours, may not be capable of making a decision," the doctor explained. "Legally speaking, signing that emergency contact form has given you power of attorney."

"I want to give him the choice," Severide replied. "It is a choice, right? Will he die if you don't amputate?"

"Kelly, if we don't amputate he's very likely develop a serious infection that we can't help, he could end up losing his leg after weeks of trying to save it or worse…"

"I still want him to choose, I think he deserves to know… if he wakes up… I guess if he doesn't or he's not with it then we... then you guys can make the decision… I don't think I can make it for him…"

* * *

Severide returned back to the others with a grim expression on his face and his skin several tones paler. They all turned to him expectantly waiting for a more detailed update but Severide was silent.

"Kelly?" Shay questioned as he sat himself down, hardly aware of the others around him.

"Lieutenant, how is he?" Herrmann was standing up now.

Severide felt like he was in some sort of nightmare but in reality he should have realised how serious Casey's injuries were going to be. They were lucky to have got him out of there, but there was a thought in the back of his mind wondering if the doctors could have saved his organs if they'd called for a trauma surgeon and amputated at the scene. It would have got Casey out of there much sooner, and it sounded like they wanted to amputate anyway so they'd not saved his legs by extracting him from the scene. When he spoke it didn't feel as if the words were coming out of his own mouth. "They had to remove his spleen and his kidneys were damaged too, they couldn't save them…"

"Both kidneys?"

He nodded. "Can live without them apparently," he mumbled, his words still barely his own.

"Have you seen him? Is he awake?" Herrmann questioned, everyone was worried for their lieutenant.

He sighed heavily, shaking his head. "A nurse is coming to get me when he's taken to the ICU, can't see him in recovery."

* * *

It was a few more hours before Severide was taken to see Casey. A few of the others had gone home, they had their own families and side jobs to get too, Boden and Shay remained in the waiting room ready to support Casey and Severide. The Chaplain had turned up an hour ago too, the news of the terrorist attack was of course widespread but so was the news that Casey had been seriously injured. Boden had called PD and was keeping track of the terrorist situation, it had all resolved fairly swiftly, they'd been sloppy and had been found and were already in custody, but that knowledge gave them no satisfaction because it wasn't going to help Casey.

"There's a lot of equipment," the nurse warned Severide, "And his legs are in temporary splints, they've also had to perform a fasciotomy on his left leg, that's where…"

"I know what that is." He nodded, his heart in his throat now they were stood out outside of the ICU doors.

"Are you ready?" she asked gently.

He nodded again and was taken through the door. There were several beds on the ward and all the equipment sounded loudly to his ears. He was led over to Casey. He paused at the end of the large white bed. He wore no gown but there was a thin white sheet draped over his lower half. There were cuts, scrapes and bruises all over his body. A large white gauze was tape over his torso, over the staples that had knitted his skin back together. There were ECG wires, a central line, IVs and a nasal cannula. He was still being given a blood transfusion, the bright red was a stark contrast to the paleness, almost greyness, of his skin. His cheeks were a little flushed, the only sign of fever that Severide could see. Severide was actually glad his legs were covered, he wasn't sure how well he'd cope if he saw them, and he'd seen a lot throughout his career but this was Casey, his boy, lying here so still and pale on the hospital bed surrounded by monitors and medical equipment with the very real threat of amputation hanging over him. But he was alive. He was still alive. That was something.

Severide took a seat by his side. Casey's painkillers had been reduced a little in the hope he would be lucid when he woke, and every so often his eyes would flutter open and he would look unseeingly around the room, completely unaware of his surroundings and the situation he was in. Severide was glad of Casey's obliviousness but he also wanted him to wake, wanted to give him the option of choosing how the doctors should proceed, he knew how Casey liked control, knew how he liked to be in the know.

"Hey baby, you're in the hospital," Severide explained, smiling down at him as his eyes flickered open and stayed open for the first time since the surgery. "Are you in any pain?"   
  
After a few moments Casey shook his head.  
  
Severide smiled. "Good. Do you remember what happened?" he asked gently, he smiled again when Casey nodded. "Good."

"Everyone… ok..?" Casey slurred, his throat was raw and his lips dry.

Severide nodded and took Casey's right hand. "I need to tell you something, Matt, I need you to listen, that's gonna be hard, you're getting some amazing drugs right now… think you can stay awake for a little bit?"

"What is… it?"

"Your legs have been seriously damaged. You're scheduled for reconstructive surgery in a few hours. They can… they can try and repair them both but… but the damage is significant..." he trailed off, he needed to be precise with his words, Casey was being pumped full of painkillers, he knew how difficult it would be for him to focus. He swallowed. "You have a choice. They want to take your leg."

"Wha..?" he questioned hoarsely.

Severide took in a long breath and stated, "They want to amputate."

Casey's voice cracked. "My legs..."

"Your right leg is more damaged than your left," he explained, "They want to amputate because it will give you a better quality of life, the nerves are damaged and the bones were shattered... I'm… I'm so sorry, Matt…"

"My leg..." Casey whispered, still trying to comprehend the situation. "My leg…"

Severide nodded and spoke honestly, "Look, realistically you're never going to walk again, not properly... you're really broken, baby... and I didn't want to tell you like this but you could die if they don't do it."

"I don't… I don't understand…" he said weakly, "I have a choice?"

"Matt… Matty, if they try to save it your survival chance decreases and they may just be forced do it a later date but… but I want you to choose… I wanted you to know before they…" Severide had tried to be calm, tried to be strong for Casey, tried not to let the tears flow but he couldn't stop them. "I… I think you should let them amputate," he told Casey. "And I want you to know, whatever you decide I'll be here with you, I'll support your decision. I'm not going to leave you."

"I'll never walk?" Casey questioned hoarsely, gazing up at Severide's tear filled eyes.

Severide shook his head. "You've got better chances of walking unaided with a prosthetic."

"I..."

"Matt... baby… they'll make the decision for you if you don't decide, I really think you need to be the one who makes this decision."

Casey let out a shuddering breath. "I… I can't… I can't Kelly… I don't know what to do…" Severide wiped the tears from his face, they'd made small patches on the white pillow. "They think it's better to do it?" he watched Severide nod. "You?"

"I agree with them," Severide answered. "You can speak to the doctor if you want? The Chaplain's here too if you want to…"

Casey shook his head. "They can do it… they can do it…"

"Ok," Severide nodded, he took his hand. "I love you. And it's all gonna be ok."

"Kel..." his voice was so weak now, barely audible. "I'm scared."

"What? No. No, you're not scared. There's no need to be. You've made the decision, you've done the hardest bit." But Severide was wrong. The hardest parts were yet to come.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so so sorry... please don't hate me.


	3. Waking

Severide's thoughts were crashing around his head as he sat in the surgery waiting room, he'd long since given up with the pacing, his legs felt too weak. His whole body felt weak. He hadn't slept since the morning before the terrorist attack. How could he sleep when Casey was so badly hurt? Most of Casey's crew had returned, having being told about the second operation, they all wanted to be there to support their lieutenant any way they could. But they all felt completely helpless, unable to do anything but wait for news as Casey underwent his second surgery in the last thirty-six hours.

"Kelly." Shay placed a hand on Severide's thigh, bringing him away from his inner turmoil, drawing his attention to the surgeon who was approaching them.

Straight away Severide got to his feet and walked over to the other side of the waiting room. "How is he?"

"He's in recovery now," the surgeon informed him. "The surgery went well, we had to remove a little more than we'd hoped but that won't affect fitting a prosthetic if that's what he decides he wants. We've decided not to close the wound for now in case further surgery is needed in the next couple of days, so don't be alarmed when you see him."

Severide turned back to the others, who were still waiting in anticipation, telling them Casey had made it through the surgery just fine and he was now recovering. A tangible wave of relief passed through the room and Severide nodded at them all. He turned back to the doctor. "Can I see him now?" his voice was almost pleading, but he was careful not to give anything away. Not to appear too eager, at least no more eager than a best friend should be.

"Briefly." The surgeon gave Severide a quick nod to follow him. He spoke to Severide as they headed up to the ICU. "So there's still some blood on the dressings, that's nothing to worry about, the surgical team have placed a stocking over the end of the limb to hold the drainage tubes and bandages. We'll close the wound when we're sure we don't need to remove any more tissue."

"Ok." Severide let out a long breath. "Is that another surgery?"

"We don't need to put him under for that, we can give him an epidural."

"Ok, good. Will he wake soon?"

"The painkillers are keeping him under for now, but that's nothing to be concerned about, he'd be in a lot of pain without them."

"Can I be the one to tell him everything when he does wake?" he asked.. "I don't want it to come from a stranger."

"That's fine, I'm sure that will make the news easier to cope with but I'll be available if either of you want anything, or if he has any questions."

Severide stepped through the door of the ICU, where the surgeon left him and the nurse led him over to Casey's bed. He hung back for a few moments, hesitant, taking a breath and bracing himself for what he had to do. He felt so guilty for being so worried about seeing Casey after the amputation surgery when it had been the logical choice to make.

The nurse could see Severide's torn emotions and she smiled at him. "It's ok, take your time, there's no rush. It can be a shock seeing someone for the first time after," she spoke softly but encouragingly.

Severide shook his head and blinked the tears out of his eyes, trying to smile as he walked up to Casey's bed, focusing on his face and not on the empty space under the sheet next to his right leg.

"He's recovering from the anaesthesia well," she said gently as Severide continued to gaze down at Casey's face, he wasn't quite so pale anymore.

Severide just nodded in response. The nurse noticed to questioning look on his face as he saw the large IV tubing attached to a port on the left side of Casey's neck.

"That's doing the job his kidneys would usually do," she explained, "He's connected to a dialysis unit to filter fluid and toxins from his bloodstream."

"Ah right," Severide nodded, glad of her explanation as he had thought Casey was still being given a blood transfusion. "Why is it in his neck?" he queried. He'd always imagined dialysis to be carried out through the arm, at least that's what TV and movies had led him to believe.

"It needs a large vein so they'll use the jugular until the renal team do a procedure to join an artery and vein in his arm for permanent dialysis. Then he won't need to have the tube in his neck."

Severide's heart sank a little further. "More surgery?"

"They should be able to do it under a local anaesthetic but it takes a few weeks to mature enough to stand up to the dialysis catheter. He'll have this one in his neck until then," she explained.

"When's he gonna wake up?" Severide asked. "I told him I'd be here when he woke."

"We can call you when he wakes up, but he's not likely to be very lucid, we're making sure he's comfortable…"

"He's still getting morphine?" he asked quickly.

"He is," she nodded.

"Good, good," he replied, "He's not in any pain at all?"

"No."

"Ok… all right, when he wakes… erm… I'm going to be the one to tell him everything, I want it to come from me…" He sighed, sadness overcoming him now as he looked down at Casey. "I just wanna stay with him, be here when he wakes, don't want to leave him."

"Sorry it's against regulations, we can't let you stay for long whilst he's in here. When he's been moved to the ICU you can be with him a few times throughout the day," the nurse was kind but firm

"All right…" He watched Casey's still, peaceful face. So oblivious to what had happened and to what was to come. He wondered if he would ever remember having to make the decision to have this traumatic surgery. Would he remember the two of them had taken the decision that he should have the amputation to try and save his life and give him the best chance of walking again? He hoped he would. Severide bent down and kissed Casey's forehead lightly. "I love you, Matty. I'll be back soon, I promise. Love you so much."

* * *

Boden stood up the second Severide reached the ICU waiting area. "How is he?" the Chief asked, his voice kept in a low tone.

"He… he looks ok," he began, "He's gonna be asleep for a bit, they've giving him a lot of painkillers," he explained. "I'm gonna stay here, need to be with him when he wakes up." Shay flashed him a warning look and he swiftly added, "His sister hasn't returned my call yet, I've not got his mom's number, Matt doesn't have it either. I need to be here for him."

"Kelly, you need to go home," Boden told him firmly.

"No, I have to be here for him..."

"Not an option, you need a shower, some food and some rest," Boden continued, "I'm going to drive you home."

"I'll be here for a few more hours yet," Shay smiled up at him, stroking his arm

"So will I, Kelly..." For the first time Severide realised that Chaplain Orlovsky was still there in the waiting area.

"Ok, guess I'm outnumbered," Severide conceded eventually, knowing they were all right but not wanting to admit it.

That night Severide couldn't sleep. His bed was empty and his apartment was empty which was such a rare occurrence. He was alone. He and Casey divided their downtime between his apartment and Casey's house.

* * *

Casey remained mostly oblivious to the world, he was woken periodically by the hospital staff but he wouldn't remember that later on when he was lucid. He was being given a steady amount of morphine for pain, sheltering him from the agony his traumatised body would otherwise feel. He drifted in and out of unconsciousness, as if he was sinking underwater and rising to the surface once more.

_Blink_

He was surrounded by a bright light and a voice penetrated his wool-stuffed head. "You're in the recovery room, Matt. The surgery went well." He didn't know what the voice was talking about, he couldn't recall anything about a surgery, who's surgery were they even talking about? He gave it very little thought and simply closed his eyes.

_Blink_

He could hear hushed voices around him but could barely make out their words. He knew one of the voices. At least he thought so but he couldn't remember who it was. He couldn't pin a name to the voice.

_Blink_

Faces were swarming around him, he recognised them all but he let his eyes close.

_Blink_

Something was pulling and tugging at his neck. He could hear groaning. Whimpering, crying almost. Then a voice. Soft and gentle.

"You're all right, baby. I'm here. I'm right here."

A hand touched his face, stroking his cheek. He opened his mouth. "Ke..." Nothing more than a small moan came out. ,

_Blink_

Severide was fast asleep by his side, he gazed at him, his eyes felt heavy and sleep soon beckoned.

_Blink_

"Hi…" his voice was hoarse, weak, strained. It didn't sound like his own voice.

"Hey, Matty," Severide was beaming brightly down at him. "How you feeling?"

"Train wreck..."  Those two words were all he could get out for a few moments. "What's goin' on? What's wrong... with me?" he groaned out slowly.

Severide's face fell. "You're in the ICU. You remember the bomb? You were trapped..."

"Erm... yeah..." he replied, vaguely recalling something. "Everything's fuzzy..." he admitted as he struggled to think straight. "Oh God... my legs…" His thoughts began to whirl, his heart began to race. He recalled the bomb, he recalled the concrete tomb, he recalled the conversation about his injuries. His breathing began to quicken and his eyes betrayed his panic despite the heavy dosage of drugs.

"Hey, hey, hey... look at me look at me," Severide insisted, "Look at me… you're ok." He was nodding reassuringly.

But Casey's fogged mind would only focus on one overriding thought. "Did they…" he swallowed, "Did they take my legs?" He fixed a blurry gaze on Severide's face. The man took a deep breath.  
  
"They amputated your right leg, above the knee," Severide responded.

"It was too damaged?" he questioned hoarsely trying to remember everything Severide had told him.

Severide nodded. "You... we made the decision but there was no real choice Matty... it would have killed you if they hadn't. And you'd have never have walked on it again, but with a prosthetic..."

His voice cracked, his face screwed up anguish now, teeth gritted. "Please don't..."

"I'm sorry... do you want the doctor? He can explain..."

"No... "

* * *

It had been three days since the terrorist attack. Three long days during which Severide had barely slept, remaining by Casey's side for every possible hour he was permitted. And that wasn't nearly as long as he'd wished it could be. It had been a couple of hours since Casey had woken, and been able to hold any sort of proper conversation since his second major surgery. Severide was in agony seeing Casey lying so vulnerable, exposed and surrounded by all the medical equipment that was maintaining and saving his life. Earlier he'd watched the nurse replace the white gauze over his torso, he saw the staples that held Casey's flesh together and knew Casey would be scarred for the rest of his life, a constant reminder, as if the loss of his leg wasn't enough of a reminder. When the nurse pulled back the thin sheet from over the remains of his right leg Severide excused himself as she began undressing the limb. He felt like a failure, he felt guilty, but he couldn't watch, he didn't want to see. He waited outside until she left his bedside, the bandages replaced and the sheet was draped back over the limb and his torso, leaving his upper chest and left leg uncovered.

He forced a smile onto his lips as he saw Casey's eyes flicker half open and his head turn a little. A small smile played on Casey's lips for a moment. Casey had always been good at reading people and even under the influence of narcotics he could see that Severide's smile was not held with ease. "What is it?" he croaked out.

For one dreadful moment Severide thought he was going to have to tell him about his leg for a third time but Casey continued.

"It's not just my… my legs… that were damaged?"

"No," Severide shook his head.

"Kelly?" he questioned weakly, "Please…"

"I…" Severide hesitated, trying to find the right words and the courage. His heart was in his throat. "I wanted to tell you but I don't want to see the look on your face when I do... I'll never forget it... but that's selfish of me…"

"You're scaring me..."

"You were bleeding internally," Severide began slowly after a moment had passed..

"Remember…" he slurred out and waited for Severide to continue.

"Good," he nodded, he was pleased he could recall what had happened. But that tiny pleasure was short lived. He stared down at the cream coloured flooring for a moment then looked back at Casey. "They couldn't save your spleen, they removed it."

"That's not so bad… right?"

It was now or never, Severide took as sharp intake of breath. "Matty, you lost both your kidneys."

"Wh... what?"

"They couldn't save them," Severide explained but his words didn't penetrate Casey's mind

"Both my… both… I…" His thoughts were reeling, he was trying to contain his emotions but he could feel a steady trickle of tears leaking down the sides of his face and onto the pillow below. A strangled sort of sob soon came from his throat as his emotions were released in a torrent.  
  
Severide's heart almost cracked at seeing Casey's distress and being unable to comfort him.  
  
"I'm sorry… sorry…" Casey muttered as he regained his composure. "Must just be tired… I'm sorry…" he excused his tears.

"It's ok, you're allowed to cry…"

"No. I'm sorry. I'm fine." He nodded. "I'm all right now. I'm just… just really tired…"

"All right, ok." Severide moved back away from him even though he knew Casey was more than just tired. "I'll be right here when you wake up," he reassured him.

"You don't…"

"Shh… just sleep."

* * *

When Casey woke again later that day Severide was still there. Still by his side, true to his words. Casey wondered how long he'd been lying there in his hospital bed. He had no clear idea of time passing and he wondered how long it had been since Severide had last had some decent sleep. He could see how worn out he looked. How tired and strained he was.

Severide put down the magazine he was reading and looked at Casey, so pale and almost haggard looking with his heavy eyes. "Hey, Matty, you feeling ok?" he asked, "Any pain?"

Casey swallowed, clearing his throat. "Just tired," he responded honestly, shaking his head a little. "So… both my kidneys then... how's that work?"

"I'll get the doc to come and explain…"

"No, think I'll be seeing a lot of them… tell me 'cause I'm pretty sure you can't live without kidneys…"

"You can. Dialysis is gonna do their job until a donor is found," Severide explained.

"I need a donor?"

"You need a transplant, Matt, or you're going to be having dialysis for a long time," Severide replied. "They already tested me but I..."

"But you couldn't give me one of yours... you need it..."

"We're not the same blood type, I can't give you anything." Severide shook his head, he'd been more than disappointed to find out that he couldn't give Casey one of his kidneys.

"You couldn't do it anyway…" he trailed off mulling over his own predicament. Firefighting demanded all organs to be present and healthy, and besides that, you had to have all your limbs too so he was entirely out of the running, he almost laughed out loud at that thought. What was he going to do now? His career gave him a purpose, it was the reason he got up in the morning, now what would he do?

"I could've gone and worked in arson," Severide replied sensing Casey's thoughts. "I'd do anything for…"

"Kelly, stop."

Severide sighed heavily. "Someone will match... or you'll get one if..."

"If someone dies," he said grimly.

"Yeah..." Severide nodded. "Herrmann's organised a kidney drive for you, so many people are getting tested, they want…"

"My left leg fucked too?" Casey interrupted.

Severide had dreaded having to tell Casey all this. How much could he deal with all at once? He knew Casey was strong but this was all unbearable, and Severide wasn't sure he'd be able to deal with all this himself if their roles were reversed. But Casey deserved to know. And he needed to be the one to tell him. He wanted to take Casey's hand but he knew he was in no mood for a comforting touch, worried it would anger him Severide simply fought the urge to comfort him and replied to his question. "They managed to repair you left leg, Matty and the x-rays are looking good. They used an external fixator on it rather than a cast because of the damage, but they said you can probably bear weight on it in a few weeks, just depends on your pelvis..."

Casey's face fell. "My pelvis?" he murmured.

"Oh, I..." Severide stumbled over his words, forgetting that Casey's knowledge of his injuries was still limited. He wanted to explain them to him as gently as he could and that took time.

"That's broken too then?" he questioned emotionlessly. "How bad?" Casey continued as Severide made no reply.

"The bones were shattered," Severide replied honestly. "But..."

"Is there anything else?" he questioned monotonously, staring up at the speckled tiles that made up the ceiling.

"No."

After a while he turned his face to Severide. "This is real, isn't it? Or am I gonna wake up soon? Because this can't be real... Kel?"

"I'm so sorry, Matt, I wish I…"

"Don't." He shook his head. "Don't wish anything. Don't wish that it didn't happen. Don't wish our roles were reversed. Just don't."


	4. Defence Mechanism

"Kelly," Boden's baritone voice boomed at Severide as he tried to escape to his quarters after roll call. Severide stopped in mid-stride and turned to face the Chief. "You sure you're ok to be here today? I can sort out a relief for…"

"It's fine Chief, no need. I'm good," Severide answered quickly, even though he would far rather be with Casey at the hospital, he needed some normality for himself right now.

"I'm not sure that your head is going to be in the right place, not after everything that's happened to Matt," Boden told him.

Severide just decided to play ignorance. "Don't know what you mean."

"I think you know what I'm talking about," Boden said meaningfully.

"I'm fine Chief... Casey would want me here, but if you think I'm not in the game then send me home. But my head will be 110% in it when those alarms go off."

Boden just looked questioningly at Severide for a few moments, before he simply nodded as if to say he agreed and would give Severide the benefit of the doubt, then he strode off towards his office.

* * *

"Morning Matt," a voice said as the door opened and closed. Casey didn't bother to turn his head or open his eyes. "Do you remember me?"

Casey opened his eyes. "You're a doctor," he said dryly.

"I'm Doctor Wright, primary physician on your case. I'm liaising with all the others who are looking after you."

"Lot of you then..." Casey retorted.

"Well, you've been seriously injured, Matt, but considering everything that has happened you are recovering really well, I'm pleased to say. Your abdomen is healing well and the staples will come out in about a week. Later today we're going to close the end of your limb and remove the drainage tubes…"

"It's still open?" Casey asked but his voice was very matter-of-fact, almost disinterested.

The doctor nodded. "We decided in case we had to take you into surgery again it would be better to leave the wound open but I'm satisfied you won't need any more tissue or bone removing. You can raise the bed some more now if you want to, your pelvic fractures are stable enough now and if your ribs are causing you any pain I can give you something? I'm sure you must be bored staring up at the ceiling all the time."

"Nothing hurts. I just… I don't want to see it all," he murmured.

"All right, perhaps after we've closed up later then…"

"Will I be awake?" he asked quickly.

"We'll give you an epidural so you won't feel anything," the doctor explained.

"I'll be awake then?"

"We can give you something to help you relax if you're worried about…"

"I'm not worried," Casey responded quickly.

"All right," the doctor made some notations on the forms on his clipboard. "Now as far as I know no one has been able to get in touch with your sister or your mom to get them here for blood tests…"

"My sister's up in BC skiing," Casey told him, "Don't know when they're getting back... so I have to get a transplant then?"

"Whilst you're on dialysis you're going to be on a very strict diet and treatment regime and you can easily develop complications such as..." but the man was cut off before he could finish.

"Dialysis doesn't work forever, does it?"

"No, but I'm going to get you onto the transplant list. Your sister and mom might not even be a suitable match for you..."

"Don't want to go on the list," Casey said quietly and simply.

"Matt," the doctor began, "You need a kidney. Dialysis can only do so much and trust me, you're going to get very sick of the regime you'll have..."

"I don't wanna take away someone else's opportunity," he stated. He didn't want to take it from someone who would be able to live a better life than he could now, he was adamant about that.

The doctor looked at him sympathetically, knowing how anguished he must be feeling. "Give it some thought, talk to Kelly about it," the doctor insisted, "I'm still going to start the process but I can always stop it if you really don't want to go ahead."

"I won't change my mind."

"You've been through so much in the last few days," Doctor Wright empathised, "Just take some time to think about everything. I don't want you to make any decisions about all this right now. You may feel very differently in a few more days."

* * *

When Severide finished his shift that morning he had rushed straight to the hospital ICU as usual, only to be told that Casey had been moved to a private room now that they'd closed the end of his limb. He took that as a positive sign, that it meant Casey didn't need such critical care any longer. He went down to the floor below and found Casey's new room. He was seemingly asleep and still connected up to all the various medical equipment around him. There was an untouched tray of breakfast on the swing table next to him. No surprise there. Severide knew that Casey didn't eat when he was ill, stressed, angry or upset. He never had. Not a good thing right now because he really needed to keep his strength up for everything that was to come.

Casey stirred in his sleep and a small moan left his throat. He was still lying almost flat on the bed, as yet unable and unwilling to see the traumatic injuries he had suffered to his legs and torso. Most of the time he was hardly lucid and simply lay staring up at the ceiling above the bed. Since shedding tears a few days ago he had shown less and less emotion to anyone, including Severide, most of the time he remained indifferent to everything around him. He was closing down, he'd withdrawn into himself. Severide had expected that, he had known it would come sooner or later. It was Casey's personal defence mechanism he deployed to protect himself but Severide was determined not to be pushed away by it.

Severide sat himself in the chair next to the bed. Knowing that Casey had woken and was still just pretending to be asleep. "Can I have this? I'm starving," he asked, eyeing the toast and jam.

"Sure…" Casey murmured, keeping his eyes closed.

"It's good," Severide enthused as he took a bite of the toast, but if he was being honest, it wasn't the best he'd tasted and it was like cardboard now it had gone cold

"I know what you're doing," he muttered, "You can stop. I'm not hungry."

"Least sit up a little and have a little something to eat…"

"Don't wanna move," Casey said quietly, eyes still closed.

Severide stopped chewing on the toast for a few moments. "You in pain?" he frowned, worried now.

"I'm fine."

"You need to sit up and have something to eat," Severide tried again. "Then we can watch TV or..."

"Kelly, I don't want any food and I don't wanna watch TV."

"Brought the iPad with me, we can catch a movie..."

But Casey tore him down again. "Don't want to do anything."

"Matty, I'm trying to…"

"Stop trying to do anything… please just stop…" Casey trailed off but after a few moments he opened his eyes and turned to Severide. "I don't want to sit up. I don't want to see… what's happened to me," he said. He couldn't bring himself to say the words.

"You're gonna have to look eventually," Severide pointed out.

"I know, I know… How bad is it?"

"It's fine, Matt."

Casey shook his head. "I'm not blind. I see how you avoid them… but you're stuck with me now, aren't you?"

"What the hell are you talking about?" Severide was caught off guard by what he was saying.

"Don't feel obligated to stay by my side," he went on.

"Matt…"

"No one really knows we're together so it doesn't matter if you leave because of this, no one will think anything bad of you. I won't."

"Shut up will ya, you're not gonna push me away," Severide replied firmly. "Look, let's sit you up a little all right? I'll be honest, the first time I saw you after the second surgery I was shocked, it was difficult, but you're gonna be getting up and out of this bed soon and you have to start looking at it all. Not much to see though, really. Worst things are those pins in your left leg." Severide smiled a little at him, reassuringly. "There's no tubes, no blood. Right side is all bandaged up. It looks good."

"It looks good?" he repeated incredulously.

"It looks a hell of a lot better than it did. Honestly."

Casey was silent for a few moments. Then his face broke into a small smile. That was the first smile Severide had seen for some time. "I'm being a jerk, aren't I?"

Severide smile, although it did worry how Casey's emotions were all over the place, he'd gone from indifferent to laughing in a matter of seconds. "Yeah you are, but you're my very own jerk so…"

"All right, whatever, let's do this."

Severide pressed the button on the bed control to raise it and Casey squeezed his eyes shut until the bed stopped moving. When he opened his eyes and looked down his breaths were shallow as he saw the empty space below the white bed sheet, the empty space where his leg should have been. The limb ended even before the halfway point between his groin and where his knee used to be. He pulled his eyes away and focused on his left leg. The skin that wasn't covered by white bandages was bruised and pale. It was crisscrossed by metal rods, pins and screws in the fixator device that held his thigh, calf and foot together whilst the bones knitted, flesh healed and nerves tried to recover.

"You ok?" Severide's voice broke into Casey's thoughts.

"Fine," Casey replied, looking up from his lower body at Severide's face, "How was your shift then?"

Severide knew he should have expected this from Casey, expected him to build walls so high that there would be no more emotion, no more tears, no more flashes of anger or sadness. There was nothing in his eyes now. That was new, impressive even, because Casey always gave away his emotions with his eyes. You only had to look at him, truly look at him, and you would see that when he spoke the words 'I'm fine' or 'I'm not in pain' or 'I'm ok', you could see just how much he was hurting. But right now Severide couldn't see a thing in Casey's eyes. Nothing at all.

"Matty…"

"Please don't," he shook his head. "How was your shift?" he repeated.

Severide sighed. "It was fine."

"You get any calls?"

"Just the one," Severide replied.

"Tell me about it?"

* * *

As the days passed by Casey spent a good part of his time sleeping, partially because of the heavy hitting pain medication he was being given, and partly because he had nothing else to occupy his time with. He was still refusing to look at his right leg, or what was left of it, when the nurses came every day to change his bandages and dressings. He just lay there staring at the ceiling, almost unable and unwilling to acknowledge what had happened. He scarcely noticed the catheter in his neck now, it was a minor problem compared to everything else really. They had told him that he would soon be able to have a simple procedure to create an AV fistula so that he could have the dialysis machine connected to his arm. It would be much easier in the long run but it still meant that for his foreseeable future he would have to attend the hospital for around four hours of dialysis regularly so fluids and toxins could be filtered out of his bloodstream. Casey wondered what would happen if he just didn't bother going, just missed the sessions. Maybe he would just slip away.

Casey awoke to the sound of footsteps, thinking for one flash of a moment that he was home in his own bed. "Kel?" he murmured, pulling his eyelids open. His heart fell when he realised that he was still in the hospital, still bed bound and surrounded by machines that he was connected to by lots of wires, tubes and needles.

"He's at work today sweetie," the nurse remarked, noticing how ill he was looking that morning. His face was deathly pale and the skin around his eyes had taken on a discoloured purplish sheen, and his lower chest and torso was bruised but his broken ribs were the least of everyone's concerns. She continued checking his vitals and making sure all his lines were functioning correctly.

"Today... today..." he muttered. "What is today?"

"Friday 12th," she replied.

"When was the bomb?" he asked, his voice croaky, his throat dry.

"Seven days ago now."

Casey just frowned slightly. "Feels like yesterday." He sighed "M'all mixed up..."

"Once you're on less medication you'll get your bearings a bit better, Matt. You still have quite a high dosage at the moment..." she explained, finishing her checks. "You feeling up to eating anything today?" she glanced at the untouched breakfast tray.

"Not really," he shook his head.

"You feel nauseated?" she asked. "The meds can…"

"Just not hungry."

"Well, maybe later on then?" she offered a kind smile, not wanting to force him but it would reach that stage eventually.

"Eating isn't gonna get me out of here, is it?" he was asking her now, almost spitefully.

"Well no, not right away, but you have to keep up your intake so you can start to get up out of bed a little…"

"No point then..." he muttered. "Said that out loud, didn't I?" Sorry…"

"You did," she replied, "You can't be a defeatist like this. You need to keep on going... at least try, I know it's…"

Casey shot her down with one look then said, "Sorry... I really just don't want anything."

"Do you want your phone?" she tried, "Talk to Kelly or I can set up a DVD for you or…"

"Phone's dead." He shrugged looking at the swing table where it lay, he'd not touched it since Severide had brought it for him.

"I'll find a charger," she smiled.

"No need, don't want it… I don't know what to say."

"To your family and friends?"

Casey nodded. "I don't really want to say anything, I don't want to see their messages. I don't want their sympathy, I don't want platitudes… it's selfish of me but I don't want to speak to them, or see them, they only have good intentions but I erm… I don't care…" he scoffed, "I don't care."

"Someone from psych will be coming down to see you in a few days, Matt. It could help you, they could help you. The trauma that you've suffered will get easier to deal with you know. But your mind needs time to heal as well as your body..."

"Yeah, yeah… I know."

"You've been through so much change and you have a lot of tough work ahead of you. You will get depressed at times but that's perfectly normal after trauma like this," she told him gently.

"I've done the whole speaking to a shrink thing before," he said lightly, "It doesn't help."

"It's early days for you yet, you have to be patient. Things will improve..."

"Sorry," he apologised for all his stubborn negativity. "Sorry, I know you're just trying to do your job... you must hate having to come in here," he shook his head at his own behaviour. "What can l do? You need me to eat something for you? Need me to agree to seeing a shrink? Here, get me a pen and I'll sign up right now..."

The nurse smiled a little. "Well, you can make a start by eating something, Matt, but only if you feel up to it..."

"I don't," he retorted honestly, "But I'll do it." He nodded slightly as the nurse took the bed control and inclined the bed. Casey soon found himself looking down his torso with its huge dressing from the laparotomy. Then he looked at his legs, at least the remainder of them, and a rush of dizziness overcame him and his breaths quickened.

"Matt, are you ok?" the nurse wanted to know. She could see he clearly was not and wanted him to be the one to tell her what was wrong.

"Can you get me another sheet or blanket? Please," he murmured, closing his eyes for a few moments.

"You're cold?"

He opened his eyes. "Erm... yeah..." He just wanted his lower half to be hidden from his sight.

She fetched a blanket for him and spread it over the white bed sheet. He was still staring at what had been his right leg. And his left leg was pale with its purple bruising, pinned, screwed and plated together much like his fractured pelvis. "It's healing nicely, Matt, and they do some wonderful things with prosthetics nowadays," she reassured him.

He looked up into her face, pulling his gaze from his ruined legs. "If I get one will people be able to tell?" he asked quietly. He felt almost ashamed by all this. He wanted to ignore it all, to disassociate himself from it all, but he also needed to know what was going to happen next.

"Well if you wear shorts then yes people would see, but with long pants probably not apart from maybe a bit of a limp," she replied honestly, "It depends on how well your left leg heals as well."

"Think I'll even be able to walk?"

"There's no sure-fire way to tell, Matt. You have a lot of rehab ahead but they will all do their very best for you," she smiled. "Now, what about this food?"

Casey shook his head. "Maybe later."


	5. Fallout

Casey was alone in his room. His eyes closed and he was almost asleep, still on medication that kept him relatively free of physical pain, but the mental pain was posing more of a problem for him to deal with. He was lost in his thoughts, mulling over everything that had happened. There was no way back so he would just have to deal with it all the best way he could. Right now he had no idea how that would play out or what the rest of his life would hold for him.

When there was a light knock on his room door, he sighed, not bothering to go to the effort of even opening his eyes. "Yeah, come in..." His voice was only just loud enough to be heard at the other side of the door. Someone pushed it open. Casey heard the door open and heard someone approach his side slowly.

"Afternoon Lieutenant," it was Chaplain Orlovsky. He spoke softly to Casey, a little unsure of quite what the man's state would be.

"Pretty sure it's just Matt now," he responded quietly without opening his eyes.

The Chaplain made no reply to Casey's downhearted words. Orlovsky was a man of few words himself but when he did speak he made it important for whoever he was addressing. He knew this would be no time to insist that there would be plenty of jobs that Casey would still be able to do within the CFD. Boden had told him the extent of Casey's injuries and the man knew he most likely wouldn't be able to hold down any job anytime soon, not with the frequently needed trips to the hospital, and that would only be once he was up and about, even then he would still have lots of physical therapy to contend with.

"Mind if I sit?" the Chaplain asked, glancing down at the chair that Severide usually occupied.

"Go ahead," Casey answered, clearly disinterested in anything Orlovsky might have to say to him. He still hadn't opened his eye. "Not in the mood for a chat, if that's why you're here."

Orlovsky shook his head then realised Casey wouldn't see him. "I knew you were unlikely to have anyone visiting you today. Thought I'd come and keep you company."

"No offence, Chaplain, but I really don't want any company right now..."

"I'm just gonna sit here, not going to say a word, Matt." The Chaplain smiled and sat down in the chair, pulled out a book and settled himself down to read.

"Sure…" Casey just wanted to sleep but sleep wouldn't come so after a while he finally gave in and opened his eyes, peering towards the tubby and grey haired kindly man in the chair. Orlovsky seemed to sense that Casey was watching him and he looked up from his book. "Good read?" Casey asked, just for something to say to him. After all, he was only trying to help, even though it wasn't wanted.

"It certainly is, you'd be welcome to borrow it if you'd like to..."

"Kelly's got me supplied with all sorts of entertainment… to be honest I don't seem to be able to concentrate for very long, or stay awake."

"Are you comfortable at least?"

"Yeah," Casey nodded, "Mostly… bit sick of lying on my back, gonna have weeks of this…" He frowned trying to recall what his doctor had told him. "Compressed bilateral pelvic fracture. Think the only thing holding me together is pins, screws and metal plates, so I've got the exciting task of learning how to get myself off this bed and into a wheelchair to come. Then if I'm really lucky I'll get to be able to use crutches in a couple of months or so..." Casey scoffed, almost laughing at the state he was in, but the Chaplain could see how his face fell, he could see for a brief moment how vulnerable and how devastated Casey really was, before he looked back up at him with little emotion at all. He was walling it all off. But then he laughed, hurting his own ribs and incision site in the process. "It's safe to say that I won't be able to go back to work even if l had any working kidneys, which I don't... oh and did you know I lost my spleen as well? Think someone really doesn't want me to be a firefighter…"

"There's been no matches so far?"

"I don't know," he shook his head, "Don't really care…"

"I assume you're on the transplant list too? There'll be a match eventually…"

"Yeah…" Casey muttered to satisfy him. He hadn't changed his mind, he didn't want a transplant.

* * *

Severide was sitting by Casey's side reading a magazine when the doctor walked in. Casey had barely spoken to anyone all morning, he'd not even seemed pleased to see him after his twenty-four hour shift, and the look on the doctor's face indicated to Severide that he wasn't bringing news that would improve Casey's mood.

"Matt," Severide said, just to catch his attention.

"What?" he replied as he opened his eyes, plainly disgruntled at his peace being disrupted. He had almost been asleep, and he was still a little annoyed that Severide was still there whilst the dialysis machine was whirring by his bedside.

"How are you feeling, Matt? I can see from your notes that you've been lightheaded?" the doctor asked.

"Guess so..." Casey's reply was noncommittal and deliberately vague. He didn't know quite why the doctor was asking so he didn't want to give too much away.

"How's he doing, doc?" Severide asked, "Everything's looking good, right?" He was trying to remain upbeat but he was beginning to think he could be fighting a losing battle with Casey at the moment. 

"Yes for the most part considering all the trauma," the doctor replied, "Dizziness, even some confusion can be expected because dialysis lowers the body's blood pressure reasonably significantly for a period of time."

"And he's getting the staples taken out soon as well, right?" Severide questioned eagerly.

"In a few days, the incision has healed well and shouldn't present any further problems," the doctor replied before attempting to involve Casey in the conversation, "And it won't be too long before the bruising subsides, do keep asking for pain relief if you want it, Matt, you are going to be incredibly sore for the next few weeks, the nurses have some heat pads if you want one for your back…"

"I'm fine," Casey replied and Severide didn't try to persuade him otherwise, pain-wise Casey did seem to be telling the truth as far as he could tell.

"Everything's looking positive then?" Severide asked.

"Physically you're healing well, Matt." TThe he doctor cleared his throat, "But all that aside, I'm afraid I have some bad news for you…"

Casey just gave a look of resignation and shrugged. "What now? You need to take out a lung out as well?" His tone was full of sarcasm and Severide shot him a look so he just mouthed a silent 'What?' in reply.

The doctor began, "I was in front of the transplant committee early this morning and your case isn't as simple as most..."

"Ha... you don't say…" Casey mumbled.

"Matt, not helping," Severide warned.

The doctor continued, "They haven't put you on the list yet, but if the do and a donor becomes available, well, it's likely that you would be denied the transplant…"

Severide's dark brows knitted into a heavy scowl. "Why?" he asked, "That doesn't seem right..."

"To qualify for the procedure you are required to be perfectly healthy on the day the kidney becomes available, no fever and no infections. After the surgery you have to take immunosuppressants so the body doesn't reject the new kidney. And as the name suggests, these suppress the immune system, but because your immune system is already very heavily compromised if you were to take these drugs a simple cold could end up killing you very quickly. I spent two hours fighting your corner and trying to persuade the board that it's a risk we should take for you, but there are also other criteria you don't fit right now. Your situation is unique, Matt, and I explained this fully to them but they need all their boxes to be ticked I'm afraid..."

"What other criteria?" Severide asked, "What criteria doesn't he meet?"

The doctor looked from Severide to Casey. "Matt, you need to be able to perform daily living tasks and at the moment…"

"And at the moment I can't even get out of bed," Casey supplied. "They don't want to waste an organ on me. I get it. It makes sense, there's no point in putting me on the list even if I am healthy enough to have the transplant the chances of getting an infection and dying afterwards are high, someone else could have had that kidney and not have any complications…"

"Matt..." Severide began, desperately wishing there was something he could do to lift this weight off Casey's shoulders, but knowing there wasn't.

"I'm not gonna fight this, Kelly, so don't try," he warned. "I never wanted to go on the list anyway. Getting a new kidney would hardly improve my quality of life. would it? But it could turn someone else's around."

"You can't just give up like this..." Severide shook his head, there'd be no getting through to him, he turned to the doctor, "Isn't there something you can do?"

"Not giving up," Casey replied before the doctor could, "They have to give what few organs there are to those with the very best chance of survival and mine wouldn't be great..."

"There's still a chance you'll get a kidney from a living donor, Matt," the doctor pointed out.

"But wouldn't he still have to take those drugs?" Severide asked, "So the risk is still there? And would he be cleared if he was sick before the surgery?"

Casey had given up on the conversation how and was staring blankly out of the window at the swirling snow and didn't hear a word the doctor spoke, "Well, there are precautions that we can take. For the first few weeks after the transplant the drug dosage is very high to prevent organ rejection, during that period we could place him in what we call a clean room which has filtered air and limited gowned and masked access."

"So is that a possibility for Matt? Just needs a living donor?" Severide's heart was pounding now. At last, some sort of hope after all the doom and gloom.

"Both parties have to sign their consent, but yes, it is a possibility for him," he doctor glanced over at Casey, who has simply shut himself off from what the doctor and Severide were saying.

"As soon as I can contact Matt's sister I'm gonna explain everything to her, she's away, don't know when she's back and she still doesn't know what's happened to him. She might have details for his mom as well... maybe one of them would be a match for him? Is that likely?" Severide said to the doctor.

"Yes, generally the most likely matches are immediate family; parents, siblings, children…" the doctor replied.

"How long can he stay on dialysis for if he doesn't get a transplant, if it doesn't work out?" Severide purposely kept his voice low, almost at a whisper.

"Dialysis generally adds five to ten years once kidney function has failed…"

"Five to ten years…" Severide repeated, "He could die before he's forty? That's no time at all…"

"Some people have live twenty to thirty years on dialysis but…"

"But that's rare?"

"Yes," the doctor said sympathetically, "I'm sorry there's nothing more I can do."

* * *

"Hey you!" Severide smiled as he entered Casey's hospital room the next day, feeling determined not to let Casey's low mood get to him, determined to show him how normal things could still be for both of them. "Still not had anything to eat this morning?" Severide asked, looking at the full breakfast tray.

Casey shook his head silently.

Severide made the decision not to press the matter further since Casey was doing better on some days than others, which was to be expected, although he was still not eating as much as he should be. "How's your morning been? You look better than yesterday," he commented but it wasn't really true, Casey still looked as worn out as he had the day before, in fact, he probably looked worse but Severide didn't want him to be thinking that.

"Well, I spent the morning getting an enema. That was fun," he deadpanned. "How was your morning?"

Severide shook his head slowly. "Matt, I…"

"There was an emergency and they didn't get back to me in time," he stated, looking at Severide directly, "I had to shit on a disposable mat."

"Matt, I'm sorry…"

"Could be worse I suppose. Could be shitting in a bag. Or maybe that isn't worse."

"Baby, you're alive and that's all that…" Severide tried.

"It's my fault," Casey said. Severide had seen this coming like a freight train. "Should have been faster, should have got myself out…"

"None of us knew a second bomb was gonna go off," Severide replied softly, sitting down next to Casey's bed.

"Why didn't we know?" he questioned quickly. "I should have swept the area better, we would have found it, right?"

"That wasn't your job," Severide's head dropped into his hands for a few moments while he tried to pick his next words, "Your job was to get everyone out and you did."

"The people who did it, are they still out there?"

"No, they've been arrested." Severide told him hoping it was some sort of consolation. "It wasn't your fault that you got hurt."

He turned to Severide. "You should go," he said, "Seems like you've spent most your time here. You should go."

"I want to be with you."

Casey shook his head. "That's a lie. I'm disgusting."

"Matt, if I had lost my leg would you think I was disgusting?"

"I shit on the bed," Casey said with no emotion. "Please go."

"Matt…"

Casey smiled suddenly. "No, please go and do something… do something interesting and tell me about it tomorrow, s'not like I can do anything is it? Please, for me?"

"Yeah… sure, Matt… sure. You know I'm on shift tomorrow, right?"

"I know."

"Ok then…" Severide stood up and leaned over to kiss Casey but he rolled his head away to the side before Severide's lips could make contact with his lips, he only just managed to lightly touch his cheek instead. "Right, I'll see ya in a couple of days then."

* * *

A couple of days later Severide smiled as he got out of the elevator on Casey's floor. He was thrilled to be seeing Casey again and had spent the past forty-eight hours so looking forward to this morning. This had been the longest they had been apart and not seen each other since before they started dating.

"Morning, Sarah," he grinned, giving a quick wave to the nurse at the desk, striding past towards Casey's room.

"Oh, Kelly…" she called after him when she realised who he was, "You can't go in. Sorry."

"He having something done?" Severide asked her curiously. "If it's a sponge bath he won't mind, I can help them," he chuckled.

"No, it's not that. He doesn't want any visitors today," she tried to explain gently.

"No visitors? But I'm..."

"Sorry, Kelly, no visitors means no visitors," she shook her head, "None, not even you. He was quite adamant about it. And we have to respect his wishes..."

"Yeah I know you do, but he's clearly depressed, you have to let me see him. Please?"

"I can't," she told him. "I am sorry."

"Fine..." he shook his head in disbelief. "Tell him I was here and that I'll be back tomorrow."

* * *

Sometimes when Casey's alone he cries silently, the tears pool in his eyes and run down his cheeks as he lays awake thinking about the future, thinking about the past, or thinking about nothing at all. The tears roll down his face. No one should ever be alone with their thoughts for too long. They'll eat away at you. The voices in your head will destroy you. There's no defence for that. He can't see a future full of anything but pain. He'd lost his place in the world and he couldn't see past that. At times he wishes he was never found, wishes he could have slipped into that dreamless sleep called death.

He refused visitors for days on end. A vascular surgeon mapped the arteries and veins in preparation for the AV fistula that needed to be created for dialysis. A psychiatrist stopped by to see him but she was too friendly, too chipper, and even with all the drugs in his system Casey knew how to play her, knows just what to say to her to make her leave. They've started reducing his medication too and the pain he feels just before he's given his pills is bordering on unbearable but he doesn't complain. He doesn't say anything, just waits for the codeine to kick in when they've finally given it to him. He wishes he was still on the morphine. It made him incredibly sleepy as well as pain free. He needed to be sleepy, needed to be so out of it that he almost couldn't think, so out of it that all he had to do was lie there staring up at the ceiling, or sleeping, without a care in the world. They wanted to show him how to get from the bed to the wheelchair, they wanted to start his rehabilitation, they wanted him to work on his upper body and core strength, they weren't too worried about that since he was healthy and fit before he was injured, but he needed to maintain his upper body fitness ready for later on when he would learn how to walk again if he was permitted. He didn't want to do anything.

* * *

By the time it came to the fifth day that Severide was turned away from Casey, still being told he didn't want any visitors, Severide decided enough was enough, and he simply ignored the nurses at the station and strode past to Casey's room, bursting through the door, with one of the nurses calling after him in vain.

He was shocked at what he saw when he entered the private hospital room. Casey looked dreadful. Severide had never seen him look so ill before. He looked as if he had not slept for days. His eyes were heavy and dark, and his face was pale under the stubble that had grown, almost as grey as it had been when he was trapped in that concrete tomb that had nearly claimed his life. There was a white bandage wrapped around Casey's lower left arm where the surgeon had created the fistula which, once healed, would be used for the dialysis machine to be connected.

"You're not allowed to be in here," Casey stated hoarsely, not even bothering to look at Severide as he stood by his bedside.

Severide just clenched and unclenched his fists in frustration at Casey's words. He longed to take him in his arms and hold him, to tell him everything would be okay, to tell him that he would never ever leave him on his own. But right now he knew Casey wouldn't listen to any of that so he just stood there, rigid and tense. "I needed to see you," Severide said at length.

"Yeah? Well, guess what? I don't wanna see you," Casey bit out maliciously.

"Matt, you can't push me away. I won't let you do that. I love you too much to just leave you. Nothing you can do will change that." Severide turned his head slightly as the room door cracked open a little and someone poked her head in. It was Casey's nurse.

"Matt?" she queried, seeing Severide standing there, "Want me to..."

"It's fine. He can stay," Casey told her quietly, still not looking Severide in the eye. He was ashamed of his own behaviour as of late, he couldn't control his emotions as much as he wanted at times. Those walls he had built were crumbling now and his temper was flaring. The nurse disappeared and after a few moments Casey said, "I spoke to my sister."

"Yeah?" Severide smiled, hoping that Casey was going to give him good news, "When's she coming to get tested then?"

"She's not," Casey shook his head a little.

"Her blood type doesn't match?"

"I don't know."

"So why isn't she coming in? If she doesn't know what blood type she is then..."

"Because even if she is a match, she doesn't want the surgery..."

"Doesn't want the surgery?" Severide said, incredulously, "How can she even say that? Did you tell her you had two major surgeries in the space of a couple of days, that you've had to have two more procedures and you're gonna be..."

"She's got Violet to think of," Casey explained to one very angry Severide. It was just typical of Casey to put them before himself. At times Casey's selflessness irritated the hell out of Severide. But at the same time it was one of the things about him that he loved most.

"So she's not even gonna have a blood test then?"

"It's her decision," Casey just shrugged.

Severide shook his head heatedly. "She can't just..." he began.

"Kelly, leave it," Casey warned him off going any further.

"Your sister is a selfish bitch!" Severide spat out.

"Stop it, don't say another word!" he was angry now.

"It's true, Matt, she's only thinking of herself. If she came here and saw you, it might change her mind…"

"She's thinking of her daughter, my niece. Don't forget that."

Severide could hardly believe this turn of events and made a mental note to contact Christie himself to try and persuade her to at least come to visit Casey, and see what a state he was in. He took a breath and continued, "There's hardly a risk to the surgery these days..."

"But there is a risk."

"And where the hell's your mom?" Severide yelled, "Wonder what her excuse will be if she ever…"

"Stop it!" he tried not to yell back but had quickly lost his cool.

"Matt, she can probably help you and she's not even…"

"Get out!" Casey shouted.

"What?"

"You heard! Get out because I can't get up and leave!"

"Matt…" Severide said more gently, attempting to cool things down.

"Are you deaf? I said get out! You're not supposed to be here anyway! Who the hell let you in?" he'd wrapped a hand around his broken ribs, his bruised and battered abdomen, it pained him to talk and hurt like to hell to yell.

"Matty… baby, don't…"

"Get out!"

Both men turned their heads when the door opened once more. This time two security officers walked in followed by Casey's nurse. The two uniformed men stood one either side of Severide. One of them spoke in an authoritative manner, "Sir, you shouldn't be in here, we need to ask you to leave..."

"Yeah, yeah, I'm leaving... can't get anywhere with him anyway," Severide said almost spitefully as he threw up his hands in a gesture of defeat. He turned on his heel and walked out of the room without a further glance at Casey who just remained staring over at the wall. All emotion had washed from his face now.

"Matt, are you all right?" the nurse approached Casey's bedside.

"I'm fine," Casey muttered, "He didn't need security... I'm sorry..."

"Matt, just take some deep breaths for me, your heart's racing again... that's it, some steady long breaths..." she demonstrated what he needed to do but he resisted.

"I'm fine... just leave me alone..."

"Can't do that, sweetie. Come on, nice deep breaths for me…"

He realised she wouldn't leave him alone until he had complied so he followed suit with the breathing as ordered, and soon his heart slowed down again. "Now will you leave me alone?" he said.

"Yeah, for now," she nodded, still reluctant to leave the room but knowing he would settle down better if he was on his own for a while. "Call if you need anything, your dialysis nurse will be up soon."


	6. Up and Down

"Hey, Matty," Severide greeted softly as he stepped into the hospital room having been told that Casey was no longer denying visitors. He guessed and hoped that Casey must be starting to feel a little better.

"Hi." Casey smiled as he saw Severide coming towards him, his eyes searched the man's face. He wondered if he was forgiven for his outburst, wondered why Severide had bothered to come and see him after he had treated him so badly over the last week.

"You look like crap," Severide stated honestly, looking at Casey's worn face and weary expression. There was a rumpled blanket over him with only his left leg exposed, still held in the fixator frame. His gown was unfastened and lay loosely over his front. His hair was messy and dirty and he was in dire need of a shave but Severide thought Casey had more than likely told the nurses to just do the minimum essential bathing and cleaning to keep his body from developing pressure sores. Not only was he bedbound at the moment but he had a limited number of positions he was able to lie in to prevent any damage to his skin.

"I feel like crap…" he mumbled, staring down at the sheets momentarily and gathered himself together. He had no intention of starting another argument, no intention of pushing Severide away. Every day he'd requested no visitors he'd missed him. He missed how protective he was, how fussy he could be about simple things like making sure Casey's pillows were fluffed up, that he was comfortable and bundled up under layers of blankets because he knew Casey hated feeling cold. He looked up and found Severide gazing at him, a small smile was playing on his lips, not one of the sympathetic smiles he was so used to seeing from all of the hospital staff but a genuine heartfelt smile that revealed so much about Severide's true feelings for him. He didn't want Severide to leave, he didn't want to push him away, not really. "I'm sorry about yesterday. You've been here every day, the nurses told me, you even turned up in bunker gear?" he questioned lightly.

"In case you needed me." Severide smiled.

"Didn't think you'd show up today," he commented.

"Thought about it but I figured you're only being a jerk because you're scared, you're worried, upset, angry, depressed even…"

"Sums it up really, doesn't it?" he spoke softly, his tone apologetic, "Not an excuse though."

Severide smiled. "No, but like I said before you're my jerk."

He nodded. "You were a bit of a jerk too," he said carefully, not wanting to upset the equilibrium and certainly not wanting to cause another argument between them.

"Yeah, I was."

"You weren't the only visitor I was trying to avoid," Casey tried to explain his actions. He hoped it might make Severide feel a little better but doubted it. If their roles were reversed, he knew he would have been beside himself if Severide had tried to keep him away and refused to see him. And he was genuinely sorry for the anguish he felt he must have caused Severide because of his stubbornness.

"No?" Severide stared questioningly at Casey.

"No. Chaplain's been by a few times. Boden came by last week too. Pretended I was asleep," Casey laughed self-deprecatingly, "Like I was ten years old or something…"

Severide grinned back at him. "I won't breathe a word to anyone."

"And, Kelly… I'm not scared," he began after a minute, "I am angry... angry at what, I don't know... and I am sorry. I don't mean to... no, I did mean to push you away, you know to me too well for me to deny that... I am sorry."

"I'm sorry about what I said yesterday," Severide said as he sat down, deciding it was safe to do so as he realised that they weren't likely to have a blow out in the near future.

"No. I understand why you said it," he sighed and admitted, "Part of me wishes I could hate them…"

"They're your family," Severide told him.

"They're not though, are they?" he said sadly, "I wonder if things could have ever been different…"

Severide grinned, "See this is why I can't leave ya on your own, you get all these thoughts in your head about things you can't do anything about. Sometimes you think too much, Matt."

"Everything's changed," he almost whispered, "Hasn't it?"

"Not everything," Severide contradicted very firmly, shaking his head.

"You're still here."

Severide nodded. "I'm still here."

Then for the first time since the explosion Casey reached out and took Severide's hand in his own. From any onlooker's point of view it was nothing but a simple gesture, but for Severide it meant everything, and his heart leapt as Casey watched him. His eyes were shining for the first time in over two weeks. Casey was still in there and he had a lot of fight left in him yet.

"So anyway… Herrmann's still got everyone that goes into Molly's taking a blood test," Severide laughed, "At least that's the theory. He's made these leaflets basically bribing them to go get tested."

"What? Get a half price drink and have a blood test?" Casey joined in with a small laugh.

"Something like that," Severide grinned, "He says that someone is bound to match and give you a kidney, someone you've worked with, rescued..."

Casey's smile fell. "Can't be a firefighter with only one kidney, limits the pool of people…"

"I'd happily go and work in some head office if it meant..."

"You're different though... No one would give up their career for me." He shook his head, "I don't want you to worry."

"I'm not worried, Matt. It's all gonna work out," Severide reassured him.

"If it doesn't I could have up to twenty years, apparently that's rare but you never know, might happen," he replied.

"I don't want twenty years, I want forever," Severide stated.

"Forever with me and my one leg..." he smiled.

"I want forever," Severide repeated.

"You are very demanding," Casey said still smiling. "Is that what you would do?" he began, "If you could have anything would you chose to live forever?" his smile had faded as he asked with all seriousness.

"On my own, no," Severide shook his head, "Would you?"

"Not like this."

"Like what?

"Like this," he laughed, he gestured with his hands, "I'm a mess, I have one leg that doesn't even work, no working kidneys, a crappy immune system... oh a pelvis held together by titanium..." he paused, "No I couldn't live like this forever."

"You're gonna get better, your leg's not gonna grow back but you are gonna get better. This will pass."

"This will pass? That's very philosophical of you. I will get a little better but I'll never be close to anything like before. You gotta face that, Kelly… hell, I have to face it… I'm completely different. And have every right to leave me because of it…"

"You're no different, you're still the person I fell in love with. You're still the same beautiful person and I'm not gonna leave you," Severide said, looking at him directly, his eyes betrayed his disbelief, "You want that in writing? You want some sort of blood oath? I am not gonna leave because of this."

After a few thoughtful moments Casey pulled his hand away and rested it by his side. "I'm pretty tired but you wanna watch a movie?"

"I'd love to."

* * *

They had only been watching the movie for a few minutes when Casey fell asleep, just he'd thought he most likely would. So Severide grabbed the remote from its position next to Casey's hand on the blanket and turned the volume down and continued to watch it himself as Casey slept. Sleeping was far better for him than struggling to stay awake for a movie. He needed the rest. Whilst the movie rolled on one of the nurses came by briefly to check on the monitors and Casey's lines. Severide was familiar with all of the hospital staff treating Casey now.

"He's doing all right, isn't he?" Severide questioned the nurse quietly as he watched Casey sleeping peaceful, "All things considered…"

"Physically he's doing well, no complications, which is quite impressive considering everything that happened," the nurse answered, almost indicating that although Casey's physical state might be relatively acceptable, his mental state was far from it

"I suppose no one can force him to shrink?"

"He passed the psych evaluation," she informed him.

"Yeah I thought he would," Severide nodded, Casey was a master at telling people what he knew they wanted to hear. "Will I get to see his doctor today, his primary doctor? Want to know when he can get out of here? I know it's only been two weeks but just an estimate so he has something to look forward to… but I'm not even sure he's looking forward to going home…"

"Kelly, it's gonna take him some time, a lot of time, he's gonna take steps forward and back, both of you need time, it's a big adjustment," she said sympathetically. "As for going home, Doctor Wright will let you know, I can't imagine it'll be any more than a few days once he's getting in and out of the wheelchair and has been seen by the occupational therapist and the dietician."

"At least he's willing to see people now," he smiled, "Did he eat breakfast this morning?"

She nodded. "Yes, he's starting to eat a little better."

"Ok, good," he replied, still smiling, "That's good."

"If you need to know anything at all just call me, I'll be back in a little later," she smiled and went out of the room, disappearing to check on her other patients.

Severide turned back to watch Casey again. He would get through all this eventually. Casey had been almost right, not everything had changed but a lot had and Severide was determined to help him, determined to help him cope. He knew there would be good days as well as bad days but he wanted to be there for him and by his side every step of the way. Every step of the way. Severide laughed at that ironic thought. Casey had a long hard road ahead of him and Severide doubted his struggle would ever truly end.

A sharp moan brought Severide from his thoughts and turned his attention to Casey. Severide looked down at him unsure whether to let him sleep on or wake him. But he was spared the need to make that decision when Casey's moans grew worse and his eyes flicked open.

"Argh… Kel…" he was breathing heavily and not really aware of anything around him, he just called for Severide out of instinct. It took him a few moment to register that Severide was already right there next to him.

"Matt? What is it?" Severide questioned as he hit the call button on the side of the bed, "What's wrong?"

"My foot…" Casey muttered through gritted teeth, he started to try and move in an attempt to alleviate the pain he was feeling.

Severide tried to soothe him, "Matt, baby, don't move, please stop moving, you're gonna hurt yourself…"

"What's wrong, Matt?" the nurse asked as she hurried in and moved over to Casey's side, her face worried as she saw his distress.

"Hurts..." Casey muttered.

"Whereabouts Matt?" she questioned, needing to establish the source of his pain.

"His foot," Severide answered for him.

The nurse moved over to his left hand side, quickly glancing over the external fixator looking for any obvious causes of discomfort. "Is it pressure? Burning? Pins and needles..."

"No... no…" Casey managed to croak, shaking his head, looking at her with tear-filled eyes, "My other foot…"

Severide's heart plummeted, he didn't know what to do or say, he glanced at the nurse who'd called for the doctor so they could give him some stronger pain medication. "Matt, you're gonna be ok, it's all right..." he tried to reassure him but knew he must be in real agony to be in tears. Casey was tough but there had to be a limit to what even he could cope.

"It's crushing me..." he rasped.

Severide tried not to let his worry show through his voice, "Matt listen. You're in the hospital, nothing's crushing you..."

An on-call doctor walked in at that moment, quickly assessing the situation before he emptied a syringe of morphine into Casey's IV line. "That should do it, page me if he needs anything," he gave a nod as he made a note in Casey's chart.

"Thanks, doctor," Casey's nurse said as he left.

"How could he feel pain in his right foot?" Severide asked her. "The morphine's working…" he frowned looking down at Casey who's eyes were now barely open, his moans of pain had stopped.

"You've heard of phantom limb pain?" she began.

He nodded. "Yeah... his pain was so real…"

"It is real pain," the nurse replied, "It could just have been some kind of flashback or nightmare that woke him but I am tempted to say he is most likely suffering from phantom limb pain. It's caused by the nerves," she began to explain. "When they amputate they bury the nerves in the muscle to try to reduce pain but it doesn't always prevent it happening and sometimes the person can still feel the severe pain they had previously. Hopefully it will pass eventually but he could suffer with it long term unfortunately."

Severide just took Casey's hand. He held onto it as the morphine did its job and he drifted off into a painless sleep.

* * *

"Lieutenant?" Herrmann's voice startled Severide back to reality and he turned quickly to face Casey's right hand man, spinning his chair around from the pile of work in front of him of the desk.

"Yeah, what do you need, Herrmann?" he asked, looking at the veteran firefighter who was watching him expectantly.

"Not had your morning coffee yet?" Herrmann asked with a small smile. He knew the real reason for Severide's distraction. They were all distracted with thinking about Casey. His injuries had hit the whole house so very hard and they all felt so powerless to do anything.

"What d'ya want? I got a lot going on here..." he nodded at the stack of files and papers beside him. It can out more harshly than he intended but Herrmann being who he was took it in his stride. Severide was getting sick of all the questions, of everyone asking how Casey was, when he would be getting out of hospital, did he need anything. As good as everyone's intentions were, he was becoming worn down with it all and growing more short-tempered as each shift progressed. It made him wish Casey would just answer his phone, reply to the messages he knew had been sent to him, but then Severide felt guilty for thinking that because he really had no idea what was going on in Casey's mind, Casey had effectively lost everything he had worked for his entire life, Severide felt guilty for blaming him for everyone's curiosity and worry.

"Is Casey up for another visit?" Herrmann repeated his question. Severide and Boden had been the only ones to visit Casey since he'd been moved out of the ICU.

"I… I don't know," Severide replied honestly.

"He's not doing so well?"

"Would you?" he questioned.

"No don't reckon I would," Herrmann cast his gaze down at the floor for a brief moment.  
  
Severide let out a long sigh. "Look, he's just really up and down at the moment, still in shock at it all…"

"Think we all are... and he doesn't have the best coping mechanisms either," Herrmann commented knowingly.

"No, he doesn't, Chris," Severide smiled in agreement. "But we can't let him push us away because he's gonna try, believe me. So go and see him, can't do any harm. Hopefully it'll help him to realise that we're all there for him."

"His family been to see him?"

Severide shook his head and shrugged. "We are his family."

* * *

The dialysis nurse had just left Casey and Severide was sitting by him flipping through that morning's Tribune edition. Casey hadn't been very talkative since Severide arrived but he just sat with him, patiently waiting to see if his mood improved.

Suddenly and unexpectedly Casey turned his head and looked over at Severide. "Hey, you don't think they still have my kidneys, do you?"

"What do you mean?" Severide retorted, completely taken by surprise at Casey's unusual question

"Well, we could put them in a jar and have them next to some of my trophies on the mantle place…"

Severide was dumbfounded. "Erm…" he began hesitated, not quite sure where Casey was going, "You know they're still in you, right? The blood supply was cut off for too long and they couldn't repair the damage to them even if the tissue hadn't died…"

"Oh right, we'll display my spleen then?" Casey smiled, almost wildly, "Or how about my leg?"

"Matt…" he frowned, puzzled at Casey's elated stare, his eyes wide. He seemed high but as far as Severide knew he hadn't had any narcotics since the incident the other day.

"Not funny?" Casey shrugged, "Guess it would smell pretty bad now… no one wants a rotting leg… what did they do with it? Just throw it out with the trash?"

Just like that within the space of a few seconds, Casey's mood fell and he hit rock bottom. Severide considered his next words carefully, all too aware how fragile their relationship was right now, and how little it would take to make Casey to turn on him and start yelling, forcing him out of the room. "I don't think they just throw stuff out like that…" Severide told him.

"No, I guess not…" he looked down at his legs and sighed sadly, "Sometimes it… sometimes it feels like it's still there."

Severide nodded understandingly, pleased that Casey was finally beginning to open up, glad that he was talking, even though only a little now and then. As of yet Severide didn't think Casey had really talked to anyone at length about what had happened. "I've been doing some reading… about limb loss," he said carefully, "I've saved some things that I think might be useful, you can have a read of them when you get home or I can bring…"

"When I get home?"

"Yeah, Matt, when you get home," he smiled, "You're not gonna be stuck here forever."

"I'll be going to some rehab facility," Casey said flatly. He looked up and asked, "You'll help me pick one?"

"You can't just come here and do your physio?" Severide questioned, "Transport's no issue, I'll bring you to all your appointments and your dialysis sessions until you're driving, even when you are I'd rather be with…"

"Kelly… I can't even sit up on my own…"

"I want you to come home with me, half your stuff's already at mine, I want to take care of you… you don't want me to?"

"I want to come home with you, I do…" Casey trailed off.

"But?"

"It's too much," he shook his head, "For you and me."

"Think about it?" Severide encouraged, not wishing to appear like he was trying to force Casey into doing anything he didn't want. He'd get nowhere if he did that. "I'd feel better if you were at home with me, if I could keep checking on you," he smiled, "I'd worry about you if you were in some rehab place… but if you think that's the best place…"

"I don't think it's the best place," Casey said suddenly. "I… I don't know what to do… I don't know what's best because I don't know what's going to happen… I don't know when things are going to be normal again…" his voice cracked and he struggled to continue, "Things aren't going to be normal again… what if I can't walk?"

"Matt, I am going to make sure you have the best people helping you, you already have the best doctors in the city, ok? You're gonna start rehab, you're not gonna push too far and you're going to listen to what…"

"But what if my left leg… what if it doesn't heal properly? I can still barely feel below my knee, nerves don't always heel… they even said it might not recover properly… just look at it… it's a mess… maybe they should have just got rid of them both…" Casey's eyes were filled with tears as he spoke, trailing down his face. He raised his hand and wiped them away, "I'm sorry I can't stop crying… I don't know what's wrong with me…"

"Hey… hey, it's ok, you're allowed to cry, you need to cry…"

"I can't cry… men aren't supposed to cry… can't cry…"

"What have I always told you? Forget everything your dad told you, you're allowed to cry. Matt."

"See?" Casey took a breath and managed to stem his tears. "I'm a mess. You don't want me at yours 24/7…"

"I do," he nodded, "I really do."

"Don't even know when I'll get out of here…"

"I think once you prove you're a not a dangerous wheelchair user they might set you loose to wreak havoc on the streets of Chicago," Severide laughed, making Casey smile slightly.

"Never used a wheelchair before," he commented, wiping away the rest of his tears.

"I think you'll get the hang of it," he smiled.

"Hope it's comfortable… can only imagine how much it'll hurt sitting in a chair… technically I think I've broken my ass?" Casey rolled his eyes and Severide burst into laughter at that

"Erm, yeah, yeah, I'd say that's about right," he nodded.

"You're gonna have to make good use of your right hand."

"Or your mouth."

They both dissolved into laughter, Casey clutched his sides as he jolted his ribs but it didn't stop him from smiling at Severide.


	7. Alive

A couple of days passed by. Casey was spending less and less of his time asleep. It had been seventeen days since he was pulled free from the concrete tomb and his mood, although not greatly improved, had become a little more stable. Severide was no longer worried that he'd turn up to the ward and be told that Casey was denying visitors. Casey had even had a shave, and allowed one of his regular nurses to help him wash his hair so it was soft and shiny once more. He had also met the physio for the first time, a man named Ty who was only a couple of years older than him. As well as being a physiotherapist at the hospital Ty was also a personal trainer, Severide hoped he and Casey would get along well since Casey could be spending a lot of his time doing rehab with Ty if he chose to live at home, rather than in a rehab facility. They hadn't broached that subject since Casey had brought it up and Severide was reluctant to mention it again for the time being, he wanted Casey to do everything in his own time. No matter how much he wanted him to come home to his apartment. He just had to put the brakes on and bide his time until Casey made the decision.

Severide was so lost in his own thoughts as he got to Casey's room he didn't think of knocking. He stopped abruptly when he saw the nurse by Casey's side and how his legs were uncovered so she could remove the bandages from what was left of his right leg. "Oh sorry, Matt... I'll wait outside," Severide apologised about to turn on his heel to leave the room.

But Casey wasn't alarmed by his presence. "It's ok," he spoke quietly, "You can stay… unless you don't want to? Not a pretty sight…"

"I want to stay," Severide said, taking off his leather jacket and hanging it on the back of the chair. "Can I help?" he asked the nurse, "If that's all right with you, Matt?"

"How d'ya mean?" Casey was surprised by Severide's comment.

"Can I help with the bandage?" he asked. The surgical dressing's had been removed the previous day whilst Severide had been on shift, now the nurse wrapped the residual limb twice a day to help shape and protect it.

"Kel…" Casey began uncertainly but Severide just smiled at him and spoke to the nurse.

"Can you show me what to do so I can do it once Matt's at home?" he asked her.

"Kel..." Casey was going to protest, not sure that Severide realised what he was taking on.

"Matt? That all right with you?" the nurse asked, needing to be sure that Casey wouldn't have any objections. He was still struggling to come to terms with what had happened to him and continued to avoid looking at or touching the remains of his right leg. The staff knew that Casey was still partly in denial about his injuries and couldn't bear to touch his right leg yet and were as careful as possible when they dealt with him.

"I erm… I don't know…" Casey's eyes were clouded with doubt but Severide persevered.

"Please let me help you," he said softly, "I want to be able to do this for you. It's no big deal, it's just a bandage. Just a leg. You can touch it, or at least let me?"

Casey just shrugged, willing at least to give it a try.

"We can do it together?" Severide suggested.

Casey shook his head, "I don't think I can."

"And that's ok Matt," the nurse interjected, casting a look at Severide that told him maybe he should let this one go.

"No, it's not…" Casey almost whispered as he moved his head and looked down at the end of his bare limb for the first time. The skin was pale and bruised still and the end was reddened and scarred where the staples had closed the flesh at the amputation point. It was all too real now but he felt a strange sense of relief now that he had at least looked at himself. "I... erm… I need to wrap it every day?" he questioned. Severide could hear the tightness in his tone.

"For a while, yes," the nurse replied, pleased Casey was showing an interesting in looking after himself. "In the future you may prefer using a sock or liner to cover it but wrapping provides better support and helps to prevent any oedema or swelling. You also have to take really good care of the skin to stop infection or breakdown of flesh."

"A sock?" Casey questioned, his face looking a little nonplussed.

"They're specially for amputees. They come in different thicknesses and sizes and they can help with the fitting of prosthetics, while the leg is healing you'll notice that it will change shape," she explained.

"I can get a prosthetic soon?" he asked.

She continued to smile at his interest, hoping he was beginning to accept everything that had happened to him. "You may be able to start practicing with a temporary one once you're allowed to weight bear, but they won't fit you for a permanent one until the limb is fully healed," she told him positively. She didn't want to explain too many of the details and timeframes in fear of destroying his current outlook because it really was going to be a long road to recovery.

Casey just nodded so Severide spoke up, "How long does that take?"

"It can vary," she answered. "And don't forget there's a broken pelvis to contend with as well," she smiled at Casey

"I just like to make things complicated for everyone apparently, and myself," he laughed.

"Right then. I'll show you how to do this," the nurse said to Severide.

"Yeah... in just a moment," Severide told her but his eyes were firmly turned on Casey. "Matty, I'm going to touch your right leg..." Casey made no reply, but didn't object either, although his face was screwed into a tight grimace. Severide reached out and gently touched his fingers to the uppermost part of Casey's thigh, stroking it softly, he watched Casey the entire time, watched his face as he began to relax, watched as his grimace faded almost into a sort of smile. Casey's eyes studied Severide's hand as he caressed his way down to the end of his limb. "You're beautiful baby. I love everything about you. And I mean everything."

Casey's eyes pulled away, blinking quickly. He had no tears but they were wide and betrayed his emotional turmoil. "It'll make it real…"

"Let's make it real together," Severide was lost in the moment as he took Casey's right hand and cocooned it under his own as he continued to caress his leg. He felt the tension in Casey ebbing slowly as their hands reached the end of his residual limb and Severide smiled slightly, trying to reassure him that everything was good. "See, you're fine, it's ok, isn't it?"

"It is ok," he nodded.

Severide was still smiling reassuringly. "You'll let me wrap it for you?"

"You don't mind?" Casey still seemed unconvinced and Severide was momentarily scared that his walls were going back up.

He nodded firmly. "I really want to do it, Matt."

"Ok."

* * *

That afternoon Casey moved his chess piece across the board to win the game but there was no smile, he just sighed and fell back into the pillows behind his back. He was managing to sit up a little more each day, propped up by pillows to reduce the pain, but it didn't make being bed ridden any easier. Cabin fever had set in now that he was awake for long periods of time.

"You're sick of being here," Severide stated the obvious as he moved the swing table away from the bed.

"Yeah… but what would I do if I wasn't here?" he questioned miserably.

"Cause havoc on your wheelchair in my apartment?" Severide smiled a little.

"How much havoc could I really cause?" the smile that had appeared quickly fell from his face, "I… I can't even wash myself very easily…"

"I'll help you, I've given you baths before," Severide replied. "You love my baths," he added with a smile.

"This is different."

"We'll get a bath chair so you can do it on your own when this metal contraption is gone," he nodded to Casey's left leg.

"And railings?" Casey scoffed, unimpressed with the idea.

"Matt, it's…"

"I'll need them," Casey said quietly.

"You will," he agreed, "But that's ok."

Casey started to think about everything he was going to need help with, all the simple daily living tasks he'd previously taken for granted and after a few moments he spoke, "I don't how I'm going to do it all…"

"You'll adjust, you'll figure it out," Severide reassured him. He was glad again that Casey was opening up, that he was letting him through.

"What if I'm stuck in a wheelchair forever?"

"You won't be," he shook his head.

"Yeah," Casey forced a smile, "The chair's just temporary… not that I've got out of this bed and into it but hopefully I won't have it for long, right?"

"Right," he smiled, "And you're doing that later today, yeah?"

"Tomorrow if Ty think's I'm ready, he thinks I should be, says being fit before it all happened…" Casey trailed off for a moment, thinking about before when everything seemed so much simpler. "Erm… it's major advantage, that I wouldn't have even lost much core strength if they'd not sliced through my abdomen," he repeated Ty's words to him with another forced smile.

"Do you like him? Sounds like you're getting on?" Severide questioned, hoping the answer would be a yes.

"He's not lying to me, or if he is, he's a very good actor…" Casey laughed, "I don't want to be surrounded by people who just tell me what I wanna hear…"

"You should do your physio here then," he insisted with a nod, "If you think he's the right person."

"Kelly, I'll come home with you," Casey said suddenly, a real smile graced his lips. He knew what Severide had been trying to say, knew what he had been trying to ask.

"You will?" Severide beamed.

Casey's smile fell. "I don't want to be in some facility on my own but I don't want to be a…"

"You're not going to be a burden," Severide spoke quickly. "I'll set you to work doing chores," he teased. Severide's phone pinged and he smiled down at it when he pulled it out of his pocket and read the message.

"What is it?" Casey asked curiously.

"You've got some visitors," he explained

"Oh… I…" Casey just looked down at the bed sheet that was rumpled up and only covering his hips whilst his gown also lay open.

"I'll make you decent, don't worry." Severide smiled as he lifted up Casey's down and fastened it behind his neck, careful not to touch the catheter, and he pull the bed sheet over his residual limb. "Want a blanket too?"

"Please," he replied.

Severide looked at him as he sort out the pale blue blanket. "You don't need to be worried, they really wanna see you."

"I know," he nodded, "I just… part of me wants to just leave it all behind, the before, just start again 'cause really I am starting again…"

"You'd regret that."

"Maybe," he shrugged.

"I'm gonna go meet them, you ok?" Severide smiled and Casey just nodded, he placed a hand on his shoulder lovingly just before he turned and left the room.

* * *

"Hi guys..." Casey smiled as his crew, along with Boden, filed into his hospital room, he was braced for the platitudes he was sure he'd receive.

"Lieutenant," Herrmann smiled, "You don't look too bad."

"Thanks…" he muttered.

"So bored you're playing chess?" Otis asked with an amused expression.

"I like chess," he replied.

"We've got a load of cards and stuff for you, things that have been dropped off at the house and Molly's," Cruz announced, smiling.

"Wow…" Casey said as Cruz and Otis placed a couple of boxes down, "Didn't realise I was so popular…"

"How are you holding up?" Cruz asked firmly.

"Could be better," he replied honestly, there was no point in telling them he was fine.

"Is there anything we can do?" Herrmann questioned.

Casey shook his head. "No, don't think so, but thank you for offering."

"You need your house checking on or bills sorting or…"

"There isn't anything, honestly," Casey told them. "Just nice to see you all. How's my…" but he trailed off and tried to rephrase, "How's erm…" Severide could only watch as he struggled.

"Your truck is good, being kept in good working order," Herrmann smiled.

"Good," Casey nodded. "How's your new lieutenant? Everything's going all right?"

"We've just got a relief for now," Herrmann explained.

"Not working you all too hard, I hope?"

"Matt," Herrmann began, "You're missed, the house won't ever be the same without you…"

"I'm not dead," he laughed, "Kinda feels like it but I'm not…"

"How long 'til you can get out of here?" Cruz asked.

"Well, I've not got out of bed yet so…" he smiled self-deprecatingly.

* * *

Whilst the others continued to speak to Casey and looked through the cards and gifts he'd been given Severide and Boden snuck out of the room unnoticed after casting a glance to each other.

"He's putting on a good show," Severide said as he watched Casey through the glass window once the door closed itself leaving them out of earshot to the others.

Boden was looking at Casey who was still talking to his crew, a smile plastered on his face as he played his part well. "It's still really bad?" he questioned.

"He is a little better but I… I honestly don't know if he can deal with this," Severide said softly, "He's lost everything."

"He's not lost you," Boden commented lightly, "Unless you're thinking about leaving him?"

"What?" he didn't need to act surprised.

"I'm not blind, Kelly," Boden told him, his tone still very serious.

"You never said anything…"

"I told myself that if it didn't affect your work then I'd ignore it," Boden explained.

"Was it obvious… is it obvious?"

"It's obvious that you both care a lot about each other, not quite so obvious that you're sleeping together… are you thinking about leaving him?" he repeated his earlier question, "You said he'd lost everything."

"No, I never want to leave him," Severide said adamantly before adding, "But I think he might leave me…"

"Why do you say that?"

"Because he has lost everything. Because even when he's smiling it's rarely real. He's putting on an act. He's gonna burn out and he's going to push us all away and we're not going to be able to do anything about it because he's a stubborn son of a bitch."

"You don't know what's going to happen…"

"I've known him almost half my life, I know him, I know how he works."

* * *

Casey eyed the hospital issue wheelchair with distaste. He was exhausted, pale and sweaty. All he had done was move from the bed to chair and after a short rest back onto the bed. It was much harder than he had ever imagined.

"Are you in pain?" Ty asked him, bringing him out of his own thoughts.

Casey looked from Ty to the nurse and almost laughed. "I'm always in pain. Nothing I can't handle."

"Between now and our next session you're not to use the chair unsupervised," Ty told him, he knew Casey's type, knew he'd be the sort to overdo it.

"All that effort and I still don't get to use the bathroom?" he made a face.

Ty looked at him apologetically. "Give it some…"

"Time," Casey finished for him. "Are we done?" he questioned abruptly.

"We are," Ty nodded. "You can work on those exercises I showed you when you've rested up," he smiled, "I'll see you tomorrow, Matt, all right?"

"Yeah, sure," Casey spoke despondently before he watched the man leave.

"I'll help you freshen up and change your gown," the nurse smiled as she edged over towards him.

"I'm fine."

"Do you want Kelly to come by and see you like this?" she questioned, her tone light.

Casey brows knitted together, "Is that a threat?"

"Maybe," the nurse smiled but she'd gone too far, Casey wasn't in the best mood, he was sick of this hospital room, sick of having people helping him perform almost every little task, unable to use the bathroom, unable to move very much at all, unable to wear his own clothes, unable to spend more than a couple of hours without being checked on. It was all too much.

"I don't want any visitors," he told her simply.

"I don't think that's true," she said.

Casey's impassive expression crumpled, he was exhausted and barely holding everything together. "I… I don't know what I want…"

"You need to sleep, get some rest, let me help you feel a little more comfortable then you'll rest well…"

"I'm never going to rest well," he muttered.

"Do you need some painkillers?"

"I hate sleeping on my back… it hurts but everything hurts," he almost laughed.

"It won't be long until you can sleep on your side," she assured him.

"Is that what I have to look forward to?" he questioned incredulously, "Being able to sleep on my side? Is that going to be my achievement one week?"

"Matt, I know you don't want it to be but it will an achievement, a great one because…"

"Because it could have been worse?" he questioned, "How could it have been worse than this? Losing both legs? Dying?"

"Do you wish you had died?"

He scoffed. "You gonna call the shrink?"

"No," she replied softly, shaking her head, "You can talk to me…"

"You're right. I need to sleep now."

"Ok," she said resignedly, "I'll just go and get a fresh gown and help you wash."

* * *

The first thing Severide spotted when he entered the hospital room later that day was the wheelchair in the corner. Casey's eyes opened at the sound of his entrance, he looked exhausted, sick even, his skin was pale, his eyes had dark shadows underneath and he wasn't making the effort to open them fully. He didn't just look sick. He was sick. He had a fever and a dry cough. Nothing too serious but that hadn't stopped the nurse from glancing at the monitors with worry when she'd last checked on him. Being sick was the last thing Casey needed right now, he needed his energy but without a spleen it would be much harder for him to fight any common illness.

"M'all right," Casey said as Severide looked on in worry, "Just a little fever, don't even feel sick, honest."

"You know I never believe when you tell me you're fine, right?" he questioned as he sat down.

"I know," Casey smiled. He pushed himself up a little with his arms, dragging his lower half further back after having slipped down in his sleep. "I have a bit of a headache and a little cough, but that's it."

"I'll have to believe you then I suppose," Severide smiled back then glanced over to the wheelchair, "You get to use that today?"

"I guess so."

"You guess so?"

"I'd hardly call what I did using it," Casey explained.

"Well, you do have a fever and…"

Casey just shrugged, much more awake now, he interrupted Severide, he didn't want to talk about his short physiotherapy session. "I've been thinking about all the positives with all this..."

"Of being sick?" Severide frowned.

"Losing my leg, my kidneys, spleen…" he listed but there was no sadness, no despair in his tone, he spoke as if he were reading off a menu. "Believe it or not there are positives."

"Oh yeah?"

"Well, if my kidney's were working I would've had to suffer through the embarrassment of having a tube stuck up my dick," he smiled.

"That is a positive," Severide replied. "What else?"

"Erm..." he looked away, "That's actually all I thought of…"

"Oh… well, I shall come up with some more then," Severide nodded.

"Good luck with that," he muttered.

Sensing the sudden change of mood Severide hastily continued, "You can watch all the TV you want and technically that's all for getting better because you're supposed to resting, and watching TV is resting."

"I don't have to wash myself... I can't wash myself... leaves more time for watching TV? Reading..." Casey shrugged, desperately trying to think of some positives.

Severide smiled. "Yeah, see, you're gonna get so much read over the next…"

"Months," Casey supplied, not overly enthused with the idea of spending all his time watching TV and reading.

"Yeah, months... you're gonna make a massive dent in your reading bucket list," he said enthusiastically in an attempt to brighten Casey's mood.

"I am..." Casey replied.. "And I'm alive. That's positive. You're here with me. That's positive."

"There's a lot of positives, Matt. You're gonna come home with me," he smiled, "I'm looking forward to it."

"Good thing your complex has an elevator," Casey laughed.

"Give it some time and you may not need it," he told him positively.

"Everything's going to ok, isn't it?," Casey questioned quickly, looking at Severide with wide eyes, "I mean, I'm never gonna walk into a burning building again… never gonna save someone's life… what if I can't even do any sort of work again? I've always worked… but how am I meant to help anyone now? How do I do something that's good?"

"You don't have to help anyone, you've helped enough people for one lifetime, Matt…"

"Then what's the point?"

"You're alive and you're with me. We're the only two people that matter. You're the only person that matters to me," he took Casey's hand, "I don't know what I'd do without you."

"You'd have Shay and everyone at 51…"

"You have them too."

"Matt, what can I say to make this better? What can I do?" he questioned but really he knew there was nothing he could say or do to change how Casey felt right now, nothing he could do to change what had happened.

"Nothing," Casey replied impassively, all emotion had been wiped from his tone, "I'll be fine soon. This is just an adjustment period."

Severide smiled in response but he didn't believe a word that had left Casey's mouth. He watched silently as Casey closed his eyes as he sunk back into the pillows and he didn't miss the grimace that swept across his face. "You're sore?" it was more of a statement than a question.

"A building fell on me," Casey stated, eyes still closed, "Think I'll be sore for a while, Kelly."

"Where are you sore?"

"Everywhere."

"That's not true," Severide told him softly.

Reluctantly Casey opened his eyes. "What are you? The pain police?"

"Just want you to be honest with me, I know you like to cope with everything on your own but before all this you were opening up to me and I…"

"I'm sorry," Casey said quickly. "I am sore all over from just being stuck in this damn bed but… but my leg hurts the most."

"Your left leg?"

"No," he shook his head, "My… what do I even call it?"

"Your right leg?"

"Hardly a leg, is it?" he sighed, "Stump is an ugly word. I don't like it. But I suppose that's what it is and it suits… it is ugly."

"Nothing about it is ugly," Severide told him.

"It was a good leg you know… I still think it's there, I'll forget just for a moment and then I look down and there's nothing under the bed covers. Fucked up, isn't it?"

"Let me help," Severide moved in closer and pulled away the bed sheet, "Can I?"

"What are you doing?" he questioned suddenly.

"I'm going to help you relax," Severide explained softly.

"Kel…" he let out a panicked breath as Severide began to unwrap the bandage.

Severide soothed him, "Close your eyes, baby."

"What are you…"

"You trust me?"

"I trust you," he replied and closed his eyes. He felt Severide's hands on his bare skin, his ministrations were much like the nurses only this wasn't being done to reduce the chances of oedema it was being done out of love. Pure love. Severide's large rough and calloused hands caressed his residual limb. Massaging out the aches and pains with his touch. Casey had still been tense to begin with, still worried because he couldn't even bring himself to touch the limb even after Severide had helped him, yet there Severide was without a care in the world still touching him just as lovingly as he had done before the surgeon had performed the amputation. He relaxed knowing that Severide was still there, still treating him exactly the same even now when he was no longer whole. But he was alive and Severide was right by his side. Maybe he didn't have to be whole to get through all of this.


	8. Christmas

As they had predicted Casey's fever didn't lessen and it meant his stay in hospital was extended. He was already on post-operative antibiotics and had to be kept on them a while longer as a preventative measure in case his illness turned out to be more serious than anticipated. He would have to spend the rest of his life taking all kinds of medication including a small dosage of antibiotics and he would have to take a full course of broad spectrum ones at the earliest signs of any illness because of his compromised immune system.

"Thought nothing but time could cure a cold?" he questioned the nurse after she had explained the doctor's decision to keep him on the current dose of antibiotics.

"It's just in case your blood test comes back with any traces of bacterial infection, you can't fight things off like you used to," she told him as she handed him the pills and a small cup of water to swallow them down with. Casey's fluid intake had to be highly restricted until he received a kidney transplant but Casey doubted that would ever happen and he was still set in his mind; he didn't want one.

"How likely would that kill me? Am I gonna have to avoid sick people forever? Walk round with a mask on my face? Walk round in bubble… well I won't be walking but you know what I mean…" Casey laughed briefly at his own stupid remark.

"Avoiding sick people is a wise idea, but just keep up to date with you immunisations, you've had flu shot now too, so hopefully this will turn out to be nothing. In the future it would be very wise to get checked out if you get a fever or even…"

"A runny nose?" he scoffed, "I never used to get sick very often, not really, other than colds and stuff…"

"Colds and stuff?" she echoed, "You've had bronchitis twice, pneumonia once…"

"That's cheating, you've probably seen my medical record," he smiled.

She didn't tell him she knew because Severide told her he'd had several respiratory infections before because he was worried about the likelihood of reoccurrence. She smiled sweetly at Casey and asked, "You want to have roll down the corridor?"

"That sounds thrilling," he deadpanned in response.

"Or would you prefer an enema?" the sweet smile was still locked on her face.

"What? You're kidding right? I don't need to go... I had one the other day…" he protested with a look of horror on his face. The medications he was taking had disrupted his digestive system and lying around in bed most of the time wasn't helping.

"Don't worry I'm joking," she said finally, the sweet fake smile turning into a real smile.

"When can I get up and use the bathroom?" he wanted to know, sick of the indignity he suffered through every few days.

"Let's see," she began as pushed the wheelchair over to Casey's bedside, positioning it carefully and locking the brakes with one foot, "Show me you can get in and out of this by yourself and then maybe, just maybe, we can start thinking about the bathroom."

"Really?" he smiled widely, genuinely happy.

"Yes really Matt," smiling back at her patient, his grin was infectious, "You're doing well right now even with the fever."

"Ah fever's got nothin' on me," he was still smiling as he readied himself to move off the bed and onto the chair. He'd had a fair amount of practice but still needed some assistance, which frustrated him no end. After so many weeks of being confined to bed with minimal exercise he felt weak but he wouldn't admit that to anyone but Ty who was always more than understanding and very patient. Not once had he made Casey feel that he couldn't do anything, even though the truth was that he could do very little. Even sitting up was painful and difficult, and sitting in the wheelchair was even more so.

* * *

The next day Severide glanced worriedly over to Casey as he coughed in his sleep, he'd spent most the morning sleeping. Severide was occupying his regular spot next to the bed. Ty had called off Casey's physio session when he saw that his cold had worsened. There was little point in pushing him when he was sick and it wouldn't do him any good anyway. Severide was a little disappointed as he wanted to see how much he'd had improved since he had last sat through one of his physio sessions. Recently he had only seen Casey working on some simple exercises on the bed.

Severide looked up from his book when he saw Casey's eyes had opened and his hands shifted slightly beside him. "Kel…" he managed to croak out.

"Yeah, I'm here baby," Severide said softly, moving close to Casey, "You ok? You in pain?"

"You're gonna get sick…" Casey mumbled.

"I'll be fine," he smiled at his concern. Casey so rarely thought of himself, only of other people.

"What day is it? Thought… thought you were at work?"

"Shift was yesterday," Severide replied.

"You don't have anything better to do than…" but Casey never got his words out before he burst into a fit of coughing, hands clutching his abdomen. The sternum to pelvis incision line was still painful and pulled with every cough. Finally it subsided and he could speak a little, "You don't have anything better to do than watch me hack up my lungs?" he smiled despite his pain.

"I might go Christmas shopping later," Severide told him.

"Leaving it a bit last minute?"

"Got a few days. Might get you a surprise," he teased.

"Don't," Casey replied. "Think I'll be here for Christmas?"

"Maybe," Severide nodded, feeling sure Casey would be still in the hospital, he didn't really have any chance of being home within a few days, "But I can bring Christmas here." Their talk of Christmas brought back Severide's vivid memories from almost three weeks back when he had been so petrified that he wouldn't get Casey out alive, he'd asked him what he wanted to do for Christmas as he desperately tried to keep him from falling unconscious. Casey hadn't given him an answer. "Matty… do you remember much?" he asked sombrely.

"Much of what?" Casey slurred tiredly, his eyes were closed, it was too much effort to keep them open.

"When you were trapped, do you remember much?"

"Not really… I remember you," Casey replied. He recalled little of his rescue except for Severide's face looking down at him.

"When you were alone, before we found you, were you awake?" he asked. He had wanted to ask him for days now about what he recalled of the explosion. He hoped that Casey had been too out of in pain or simply just unconscious because the thought of him lying under all the debris awake and alone down there was truly horrible.

"No," Casey half opened his eyes and looked at Severide's worried face, knowing immediately from his tone of voice and worried frown what he was thinking, "Or if I was I don't remember." But he does remember. He could remember the huge ear splitting blast, the falling debris all around him, being hit by massive concrete block and pinned down by them. He could remember every last second of consciousness, every second of agonising pain that tore him to shreds. He remembers crying. But mostly he remembered thinking that he was going to die alone.

"Good," he smiled but there was a haunted look in Casey's eyes he couldn't quite see past. He watched as those eyes closed. After a few moments he spoke again, "D'ya remember the dietician is coming by later? Mind if I sit in?"

"Sure… today?" Casey asked tiredly, almost half asleep, his eyes flickering open and back closed. And barely aware of what Severide was even talking about.

"I'll take notes if you fall asleep half way through," he told Casey.

"Good plan…" Casey murmured tiredly, "Can sleep now right?"

Severide reached over and ran a hand through Casey's hair, but he didn't stir, "Yeah baby you can sleep." If he weren't so worried about how tired and ill Casey had become from just a slight fever and cold he would have found Casey's current state adorable. Even though he knew Casey hated to be thought of as adorable in any shape or form. But to Severide adorable he was, whether he liked it or not.

* * *

Casey had scarcely been able to pay any attention to the dietician and it wasn't until a couple of days later, on Christmas Eve, that his fever began to resolve, leaving him with just the cold. He'd spent too long stuck in his bed now and he was sick of it. He wouldn't be having any more physio sessions until after the holidays so he could only do minimal exercises on his own for now. All he wanted to do was get going and just when he'd started to be able to do bed to wheelchair transfers on his own, thanks to Ty, the holidays were now forcing more rest time onto him. He was frustrated at having to spend the holiday period in the hospital, even though the corridor had been decorated and Severide had tried to make the best of the situation and put up a little tree and lots of tinsel in his room. Lights weren't permitted due to safety issues.

"Merry Christmas Matty," Severide beamed as he walked into Casey's room just after 9am. He had left the firehouse in a rush, eager to see his boy and to make sure he had a good day despite being stuck in hospital.

"Morning," Casey smiled back. Severide's happiness was infectious and Casey was delighted to see him so early in the day. He'd only just finished breakfast and he did feel better for having eaten.

Severide leaned down over him and kissed him soft. "You're looking better," he commented honestly, studying Casey's face close up.

"Fever's nearly gone... leg's not grown back though," Casey said with a poker face before he broke into the hugest smile that melted Severide's heart.

"You've still got your humour."

Casey just rolled his eyes and shrugged. "What's that?" he quizzed, eyeing up the gift bag in Severide's hand, "Thought we said no presents?" he questioned worriedly because not got anything for Severide. He'd been in hospital now for most of December and holiday presents hadn't really been top, or even bottom, of his list of priorities lately.

"No presents," Severide repeated, "Not until you're out of here anyway... then who knows?" he grinned mischievously at Casey, placing the bag onto his bed and pulling out the contents.

"What is it?" he asked curiously.

"A Christmas jumper," Severide grinned as he unfolded a bright red woollen jumper with its montage of reindeer embroidered in vivid colours on the front, "It even lights up… thought I'd get you the most ludicrous one I could find."

"I've never had one…" he commented quietly.

Sometimes Casey's seemingly unimportant little remarks gave away more about his early childhood than a half hour conversation and that tore at Severide's heartstrings. A kid who never had a Christmas jumper but he didn't say anything more about it, he just kept smiling and said, "You gonna put it on then?"

"Yeah, sure," he replied, smiling back at him. It was easy enough to slip over his head, he was no longer attached to any monitors, there was only the catheter in his neck to be careful of and since the AV fistula procedure had been a success it would only be a few more weeks until his neck was free.

Casey slipped the jumper over his head, messing up his hair, although it did have a constant bedhead look about it most of the time now. "You look good," Severide grinned.

Casey laughed, "I feel ridiculous… if it starts getting itchy I'm taking it off."

"Well I told ya I'd bring Christmas to you."

"Thought you meant more tinsel or something," he frowned a little.

"You want more tinsel?"

Casey glanced around the room, "Think there's enough here for the whole hospital."

"I know you like the holidays," Severide smiled.

"I like the snow and the lights… they're all outside," Casey said quietly.

"It's way below zero, the snow isn't pretty like on postcards, it's disruptive and dirty and the lights… well you know the lights are fire hazards…"

"All right, all right, whatever you say Mr Grinch…" Casey just laughed heartily, a sound Severide was pleased to hear. His laugher died down, "So you've decided to spend Christmas in this hospital room?"

"I've decided to spend Christmas with you baby," he smiled, "I brought Elf."

"The movie?" Casey questioned

"No Casey," he said with a serious face. "A real life elf," he just shook his head and grinned at Casey. But his mood seemed to have changed. Moments ago he had been laughing. Now his face was sad. No hint of the happiness of a few minutes back. "So you wanna watch it, yeah? Know it's secretly one of your favourites," he teased.

"Sure," Casey replied indifferently. He was just stared up at the blank TV screen now.

Sensing Casey's low mood Severide said, "Well we can do something else if you want?"

"Like what Kelly?" his reply was gruff and sharper than he realised.

Severide was taken aback, "I… I don't know… erm… d'ya wanna get out of bed for a bit or…"

Casey sighed and held out his hand. Severide took it and held it tightly. "Sorry Kel… it's just all getting frustrating..." Casey rolled his eyes up onto the ceiling, "I don't mean to be so... whatever it is I'm being."

Severide pulled the chair right next to the bedside so he could sit and lean in to give Casey a hug, wrapping his arms around him as tight as he dare. But he was just pushed back and away. "Let's just watch the movie, yeah?"

Severide just got up and pushed the DVD into the player. He wished he could just lie right next to Casey but had to content himself with dragging the chair as close to the bed as he could and pulling down the guardrail so he could easily take hold of Casey's hand. They both watched in silence as the movie started and the titles came up but before the movie had properly started Casey had drifted off to sleep, not even the onscreen comedy mayhem could keep him awake.

A while later Casey was woken by the sound of Severide's voice saying his name and a hand stroking his arm. He opened his eyes slowly, a little confused and wondering if it was still Christmas Day, time was disorienting within the hospital room. Right now he was warm and fairly comfortable and didn't really want to be disturbed by anything or anyone, he was content to wait for sleep to claim him once more and ignored Severide's voice.

"Matty," Severide was persistent, "Lunch is here."

Casey's eyes fluttered before he managed to get them to focus properly and he suddenly found himself moving upwards into a semi-sitting position so he could eat. "That's a sorry excuse for Christmas dinner," he complained, his voice still hoarse from sleep, as Severide moved the swing table over his lap, laughing at Casey's comment.

Severide didn't tell Casey how he had tried to bring some food in for him earlier but the nurses hadn't allowed it, even though he had followed the dietician's rules quite strictly. Casey wasn't permitted to eat or drink anything that hadn't been prepared or provided and noted by the hospital. They required full knowledge of his entire intake and output.

"Want any of this?" Casey asked, hoping that Severide would say yes and take some of it off his plate.

But Severide just shook his head and grinned, "I know what your game is, trying to get me to eat it for you?"

"You're not hungry? Have you eaten?"

"Had a sandwich whilst you were sleeping," Severide replied, he watched as Casey just pulled a face and began to eat the unappetising looking food. "Look, when you're out of here we'll do Christmas dinner," he said, thinking that would cheer Casey up.

"I'm not really that bothered about Christmas," Casey replied quietly.

His lack of enthusiasm disappointed Severide a little, "Just thought it would be nice, something to look forward to."

"Watching you slave away in the kitchen because I'm not gonna be able to stand up by the worktop?"

Severide sat and looked at him for a long moment, sighing. "It's gonna take a while for us both to adjust to this, to figure out how we're gonna do things," Severide told him. "So tonight I was thinking I might move our stuff down from my room, put it all in the spare, set it up so we can sleep in there instead… Matt what is it?" he questioned when Casey's face fell.

"I… I don't think I can sleep with you…" Casey said softly, as if to try and take the sting out of the remark that he knew Severide would feel.

"Oh…" Severide was momentarily lost for words but he knew he should probably have expected this. He had read up enough online about it and talked to the hospital staff at some length about the possible repercussions of Casey's injuries on their relationship, both emotional and physical. "Oh ok then, that's fine. I'll set the spare room just for you, I can move the bed to one side so there's plenty of space for you to get in and out…"

"I'm sorry…"

"No baby, don't be sorry, it's fine, like I said; there's gonna be an adjustment period, we'll figure things out," Severide's voice remained calm and level as he spoke to Casey, "I want you to come home with me, I need you to, so if that means sleeping in separate beds for a little bit then that's fine. I don't mind, ok? I'm just glad you're going to come home with me. I just want you to be happy, for us to be happy."

"Is all this worth it?" he sighed heavily.

"Matt I love you," he took his hand and smiled, "I don't see you any differently. You're a bit of a mess but you kinda always have been. You're a beautiful mess. You're my beautiful mess."

Casey just laughed, "I don't need you to tell me I'm beautiful…"

"But you are beautiful to me, you're a beautiful soul and nothing will ever change that."

"And you're a saint for staying with me… I'm going to try, try and not argue, try to not be so miserable… I'm going to try and be happy," Casey forced a smile, "I don't want to be a jerk to be around, don't want to be a jerk just because I lost my leg."

"I want you to be happy, that's all I want, but no pretence, no lies, you need to be completely honest with me. Don't want you hiding everything away and..."

"And finally crack?" Casey let out a little laugh, "I'll try not to."

"Look," Severide nodded towards the window, "Fresh snow. You wanna go outside? Being stuck in here 24/7 isn't doing you a whole lot of good..."

"I've been rolling along that corridor a few times now, broadening my horizons," Casey grinned.

"Gonna check with the nurse ok?" he headed for the door.

"Since when does Kelly Severide need permission to do something?" Casey questioned, surprised by Severide's actions.

"Just thinking about your next enema, don't wanna get you into the nurse's bad books do we?" Severide threw wickedly over his shoulder as he went out of the room.

"Hey! I've had bathroom privileges for days now," Casey yelled after him as he disappeared.

When Severide returned a few minutes later it was with a smile, an extra blanket and a surgical mask. "We can go outside into the courtyard but you have to wear the mask. This place is plagued by sick people and you can't afford to take the slightest risk now," he explained.

"Yeah, yeah, don't remind me," Casey retorted with a wry smile, clearly hacked off by his situation but trying to make an effort, "Listen, I know earlier I said I didn't wanna go out but think I do need some fresh air."

"I am full of good ideas. Is there anything you need me to do?" Severide asked, pushing the wheelchair as close to the bed as he was able and locking the brakes.

Casey started to shift himself towards the edge of the bed. "Could you lower the bed a bit…" Severide pushed the button on the bed control and lowered the bed so it was level with the chair seat while Casey pushed down the guardrail and twisted slightly so he could move himself into the chair. But he stopped abruptly, a wince of pain escaping his lips.

"What's wrong?" Severide asked, seeing the look on Casey's face.

"I can't move…" he muttered, "My erm… my hips have seized up…" he admitted.

"What can I do? You need the nurse? This happened before?"

"Sometimes after physio..." Casey's teeth were gritted now as he struggled to move. "But I've not done anything today," he said with a frown.

"Right, ok. What does Ty do about it then?" Severide questioned, peering at Casey closely, studying his reaction, "You tell him, right? He does know about this?" As Severide had suspected, Casey just looked away sheepishly realising he had been caught out.

"I got this, I can do it," he started to push himself up with his arms, breaking into a sweat with just the effort of trying to get off the bed, grunting and obviously in some pain.

"Matty stop," Severide grabbed his arm, holding it firmly and trying to stop him.

"Get off me, I've got this," he attempted to shake off Severide's hand

"No baby, you haven't. You haven't got it, and you're gonna injure yourself…"

Casey was just growing angry now, as he realised he actually couldn't move any further, that he couldn't get into the chair and he couldn't even turn himself around and get back into the position he had been in. He was stuck. He wiped a hand across the sheen of sweat on his brow and cursed under his breath.

"Hey, it's ok, it's all gonna be ok. We'll get this sorted..."

"It's not ok, and nothing's ever going to be all right again," Casey was staring blankly out of the window at the gently falling snow, and a single tear was falling gently down his face.

"Let me help you get back onto the bed properly, yeah?" when Casey didn't respond Severide gently helped him to ease himself back, "There we go, that wasn't too bad, was it?" He replaced the bed sheet and blankets over Casey and smiled, "Now should I get the nurse, do you need some painkillers?"

"It doesn't hurt," Casey replied honestly.

"Is there anything I can do?" he questioned hopefully, searching Casey's eyes.

"A heat pad might help," Casey told him, partly just to let Severide feel better, he knew how desperate he was to help.

Once Casey was settled into the bed with a heat pad over his hips he began to drift off, Severide watched him closely, he couldn't take his eyes off him, he was so worried about everything that was soon to come. All the rehab and physio. He feared Casey would push himself too much or do the complete opposite and give up completely. He was scared he wasn't going to be strong enough for Casey and still scared that Casey would push everyone away and leave him no matter what he did.


	9. Home

Casey was finally discharged from the hospital on December 28th with a long list of aftercare instructions. Twenty-six days since the terrorist attack, twenty-six days since he had been trapped and almost killed under concrete slabs and debris. Twenty-five days after he said that they could take his leg, twenty-five days after his life had changed for ever. He would have no coming home party, no celebrations of any kind. Casey didn't want any of that and Severide knew it so he had called off all of 51's attempts to set something up for him. In Casey's mind he wasn't really going home anyway, because every other day he would have to return to the hospital, to be connected up to a machine that could do the work his kidneys no longer could. He would also have his physiotherapy sessions with Ty in the hospital so he could continue his rehabilitation, so he could adjust to his changed physicality and develop new strengths to help him cope with day to day living. Whilst Severide had been on shift Casey'd had an appointment with the occupational therapist for a final assessment. Unbeknown to Casey she had already visited Severide's apartment to assess the place. The positive outcome from the occupational therapist, along with Casey's good health, led to his doctor's decision that he could be released. Casey had called Severide and told him the good news, but he didn't feel that Casey was as enthusiastic as he should have been.

"I've got it," Casey said to Severide after what felt like the millionth offer of help that day. He was wheeling himself into Severide's apartment building wearing his winter parka and some very baggy dark grey joggers. Clothes were problematic because of the external fixator holding the bones of his left leg in place whilst it healed. Shay had gone out of her way to help when Severide had taken her a pile of clothes he had bought for Casey. She had added buttons and Velcro strips in various places to make Casey's life easier and he was eternally grateful.

Severide heard a heavy sigh escape Casey's lips as he struggled to get the chair angled correctly so he could get into the elevator. It was proving difficult because his left leg was sticking out in front of him. He didn't protest or complain as Severide took hold of the handles and steered him in, positioning the chair so the door was clear for closure. Even though Casey hadn't said anything the look on his face told Severide he was annoyed that he hadn't been able to do it himself.

Severide just shrugged. "What?" he said as he pushed to button for the thirty-first floor. "Makes me feel useful, something I'm not feeling good at right now."

"Sorry..." Casey muttered apologetically.

"You don't need to prove to me that you can get about, that you can do stuff, I know you can." He smiled, leaning against the side of the elevator as they sped upwards. He was standing behind the wheelchair so Casey couldn't see his face, couldn't see the pride in his eyes for what Casey had achieved in the short time since his injuries.

"Habit, I guess."

"Yeah, I know, but you really don't need to prove anything to anyone ever," he insisted. The elevator pinged when they reached Severide's floor and the doors opened. Casey made no move to wheel himself out so Severide just smiled, took the handles, flicked the brakes off and silently pushed Casey out and along the corridor to his apartment door. He put down Casey's bag and dug out his keys. Before he opened the door he spoke. "Now, I've tried not to go overboard but…"

"Oh God…" he said with a wry smile, "You've cripple-proofed the place. haven't you?"

"Maybe a little…" Severide grinned, "But hopefully it'll give you the independence you want, and need, I suppose."

"How much did you spend?"

"Actually not much… Herrmann and the Chaplain got together and…"

"Oh… right…" Casey answered, nodding his understanding and he was grateful but he didn't want to be seen as a charitable cause. The thought made him cringe. He had his own money and savings, and he realised he would now be entitled to CFD disability pay as well. "I should say thank you."

"They already know."

"Go on then, let's see what you've done to the place," he smiled up at him. Severide pushed the door back so Casey could wheel himself into the apartment. Once inside, Casey looked around with a bemused expression on his face.

"Like it?" Severide questioned.

"Either I hit my head or it looks the same?"

"Come on and have a look at the kitchen…" Severide took charge and pushed the wheelchair over to the kitchen area. A chair had been removed from the table so Casey could sit there easily and Severide had laid out items on the table that Casey would most like need to use regularly. He showed Casey how he had re-arranged all the stuff in the fridge-freezer so he would be able to get at anything he needed.

As they passed by the lounge area Casey could see that the coffee table had been moved out of the way to create more space, and he spotted some new weights and gym equipment by one of the large windows that looked out over the city. The spare bedroom hadn't changed too much but there were more pillows on the bed and Severide had fixed up a bar that Casey could swing out, lock into position and use to help himself move from the bed into his chair and back. And as he had suggested, Severide had moved the bed so there was more than plenty of room for the wheelchair next to it.

In the bathroom Severide explained, "I'm gonna need to help you take showers or baths for a while, you're still gonna struggle for a bit, at least whilst the fixator is still on." Casey just stared at the bath bench and all the grab rails that now dotted the white tiled room as he continued, "When you get stronger though you won't need me anymore."

Casey turned to face Severide. "I'll always need you, Kelly… and I don't mean because of this…" his hands indicated the chair he was sitting in. "I mean, because I love you. I know I haven't said it for a while but I really do love you, not just 'cause you're putting up with me but because you know me, you don't judge me, question me, I don't worry about what you think of me… I'm comfortable with you. Like I've never been comfortable with anyone before, and I promise that sleeping separately has nothing to do with me not loving you because I do, I love you so much… and, yes, I just said I was comfortable with you, but right now, I'm… I'm not comfortable with my own body… but I'm working on it."

Casey's frank and heartfelt admission brought a tear to Severide's eyes. "I know and I understand, I do. And I love you too."

"You really are a saint."

* * *

It was late and Severide was still up. It had been Casey's first full day back at home and they'd spent most of the day on the couch. He drank the last couple of sips of beer and chucked the empty can into the trash can from where he was sitting. He got up and stretched, switched off the TV, flicked off the main light and was about the make his way up the spiral stairs to his own room when he spotted light around the edges of Casey's door. It had been hours since Casey had gone to his room saying that he was exhausted. Severide hesitated for a moment, he wondered if he should just leave Casey to his own devices since that's what he had asked for, and Severide had left him to it the previous night, but tonight he ended up taking a step back off the bottom step and walked over to the spare room. He knocked lightly on the door. "You still awake, Matt?"

"No... fast asleep," Casey's voice floated back to him.

Severide stepped inside the room with a smile on his lips. Casey was sitting partially upright on the bed with an open book in his hands. He lowered it as Severide spoke to him. "Can't sleep?" he questioned.

"Not tried," Casey replied.

"Are you going to be ok tomorrow?"

Casey studied Severide's concerned features for a few moments that felt like hours before replying. "I don't know… hopefully."

"I can call in and take the shift…"

"Don't. No need," Casey shook his head, "I'll call you if… I dunno… if I fall over or something…"

Severide laughed at Casey's nonchalance. "You better not being doing anything where you might fall over…"

"Damn, there goes all my plans for the day," Casey grinned.

"Yeah, no pole dancing for you, least not for a few weeks," he teased.

"Pole dancing, hey?" Casey laughed, carrying on the joke, "Don't think I'll get back to that anytime soon…" Joke over they fell silent for a few moments before Casey spoke. "Could you stay with me? Maybe?" his voice was quiet, almost pleading, worried that Severide would say no since Casey had said he didn't want to sleep with him.

Severide wasn't fazed. He sat down next to Casey on the bed. "Course I can," he smiled warmly, "I'll stay until you're asleep."

Casey closed the book and put it onto the nightstand. "Thank you, my head's…" he sighed and continued, "My head's not in a great place right now."

"I know," Severide sympathised, "And you're gonna be up and down…"

"It's nearly been a whole month, I wish I wasn't up and down, I wish I wasn't pushing you away or clinging to you… there's no medium…"

"Well, I happen to like it when you cling to me." He took hold of Casey's hand and gave him a comforting squeeze. "Need more pillows or anything?"

"I'm good," Casey's smile turned into a yawn. "Hypothetically speaking," he began tiredly a few moments later, "What do you think would happen if l turned up at 51? Pitying looks and platitudes?" He looked up at Severide with a weary face.

"Probably," Severide replied with a slight shrug, "Why? You wanna come along to shift tomorrow?"

Casey shook his head. "Just have these images in my head, people reacting in public…"

"Everyone came and saw you in the hospital, baby, that went ok, didn't it?"

"Yeah, guess so," Casey replied as he remembered all those looks of pity, how he hated them, hated to be pitied, hated to be seen as weak and dependent.

"What are you worried about?"

"This," Casey answered simply. At the bemused expression on Severide's face he continued to explain. "Being vulnerable, needing help… not being who I used to be."

Severide was lost for words. Hearing Casey talk like that tore his heart to pieces, and what he said was the truth, for the most part. Casey was vulnerable and did need help now, he probably would for the rest of his life but really he always had, it just wasn't so obvious before. Severide just smiled and spoke softly, "Get some sleep, you'll feel better after some rest, been a busy day. Had all your meds?"

"Yeah," Casey muttered as he shuffled down into a lying position.

"I'll see you in the morning." He leant down and kissed Casey's forehead.

"Love you…" Casey mumbled, his eyes were half closed and he was close to sleep. Severide smiled at him and reached over to the lamp, he was about to switch it off when Casey murmured again, "Please don't, don't wanna be in the dark."

"Sure, whatever you need." Severide left the light on and waited by Casey's side until he fell asleep.

* * *

Severide entered Casey's room quietly early the next day and stood watching him for a while, he watched the gentle rise and fall of his chest under the covers as he slept. Everything seemed so fragile right now, Casey's physical and mental state was fragile, their relationship was fragile but only because Severide was terrified he'd lose him. He loved him so much, sometimes he didn't even understand why, they were just good together, things made sense when they were together, the world seemed a little brighter. Severide's heart ached for Casey and everything that had happened to him and the tough fight he had ahead of him, but he would always be there for him.

He had been standing there for a few minutes with all kinds of thoughts going through his mind when Casey stirred. "Morning, baby," Severide smiled down as his eyes flickered open.

"What time is it?" Casey croaked out.

"Early, a little after 6am," he told him.

"You have to work?" Casey asked tiredly, just to make sure he'd remembered correctly.

"Yeah, you're sure you're going to be ok? You want a hand getting up? Some breakfast?"

Casey lifted his arms from under the bed covers and ran his fingers through his hair, it was sticking up all over, he tried to straighten it a little. "I'm good, I've got it," Casey said. Now that he'd gotten some rest he was on top of his emotions again and slightly ashamed at the weakness he'd shown last night, because despite being comfortable with Severide he still found it so hard to open up and let his guard down.

"Call me, Boden, Shay… any of us if you need absolutely anything," Severide insisted.

"I will." He pushed himself up so he was resting back against the headboard.

"You better 'cause I don't wanna get home tomorrow and discover you've wreaked havoc in the apartment." Severide took his hand and stroked his palm for a moment.

"No parties, I promise." He leaned in and kissed Severide softly on the lips. "Be careful."

"Always am." Severide smiled back at him.

"So was I… mostly." He grinned and watched as Severide left the room.

* * *

"Hey," Shay caught up with Severide as he strolled into the firehouse. "I called you the other day, how did it all go?"

"Yeah, sorry I didn't get chance to call back." Severide opened up the side door onto the apparatus floor and let Shay through first. Once inside he shook off fresh snow from his hair, it felt like it hadn't stopped falling for days now.

"How did it all go?" Shay pressed, "How is he?"

Severide sighed. "Know what? I'm not sure. One minute he wants my help, the next he doesn't want anything to do with me. But I suppose it went ok considering...'

"Considering what?"

"He's sleeping in the spare room," he answered.

"Yeah, well, those stairs of yours…"

"Alone," he explained, "He doesn't want to sleep with me."

"I doubt he's feeling very comfortable right now," Shay sympathised.

"Yeah, that's the reason he gave me but it doesn't stop it from make me feel crappy."

"What is it?" Shay urged, sensing there was something pressing on his mind.

"Just something Casey said last night," he replied with a little shake of his head.

"You're bound to be worried about him," she smiled softly.

"He wouldn't let me switch off the lights," he said.

"Think about it, Kelly, where was he the last time it was that dark?"

He nodded. "Yeah. That's why I'm worried."

"He's still sleeping ok?"

"Think so, he seemed to be fine this morning, and the nurses didn't mention any problems whilst he was in the hospital. Maybe I'm overthinking things... but when I asked him if he could remember anything from while he was trapped he said no, but l could see it in his face, in his eyes... I just know he can remember everything but he won't ever admit it. He's just trying to keep it hidden from me," Severide told her, worry etched across his tired features. "I don't want to bring it up though, I think he's feeling comfortable with me at the moment, I think he'll talk to me if he needs to."

"Of course he's gonna want to hide it from you, he loves you, he doesn't want you to…"

"Imagine him lying there alone, trapped, in pain, crying because he didn't think he'd be found? I can't stop imagining it. He thought he was going to die alone. He's not scared of dying but he's terrified of being alone," he said quietly, "But like I said, I'm not gonna bring it up, he'll talk to me if he needs to."

"Sounds like you've got it under control then," Shay replied, "At least as much as you can."

"For now, I suppose." He shrugged as they went through the common room doors and headed for the locker room.

* * *

Casey's first day alone since he'd been discharged was mostly spent sleeping, even during his dialysis appointment that he'd taken a cab to, he was still in the very early stages of what was going to prove a long hard recovery and couldn't expect much more. He'd managed to get up to go the bathroom where he managed to shave and freshen up before he went to the hospital. Severide had left some food out for him on the nightstand by his bed, and although he had no real appetite he had eaten some of it when he returned home from the hospital. Casey called Severide once but only to let him know that he was fine and that if he was worrying about him he really shouldn't be, he really was fine.

Severide got away from his shift on time, it was December 31st, he found Casey fast asleep, the bed covers were in disarray where he had pulled them around himself during the night trying to get comfortable. He woke Casey up and told him that he'd missed him like crazy every minute he had been away from him. It made Casey smile from ear to ear as he wiped away the sleep from his eyes.

Still grinning Casey spoke. "Well, I've been so busy sleeping I hardly missed you at all," he teased.

"I'll get your meds…" Severide told him.

"It's ok, I can do it, I've not forgotten," he smiled back. Casey had proven he could survive alone while Severide was on shift, although Severide didn't think he'd ever stop worrying about him, he'd worried about him before the accident and now he only worried more so.

Later in the day they had some lunch together and made plans to spend a lazy day on the couch, Casey couldn't do much more. They found a Blackhawks game they hadn't seen yet and whiled away some time watching that. Severide drank a couple of beers whilst Casey just sipped at some water, careful not to drink too much. As the sun fell low and it grew dark Casey was half asleep next to Severide on the couch, his head had fallen onto his shoulder.

"Matty… baby," Severide began gently, "You're not gonna make it to midnight."

"Mmm…" came Casey's reply.

"Let's get you to bed," Severide smiled before slipped an arm around Casey's waist and helping him into the wheelchair and then into bed, Severide left him in his room and went back to the TV. It wasn't long until he found himself watching the countdown for the New Year.

When it was almost midnight, Severide quietly made his way into Casey's room where the light was still on. He lay on top of the covers next to Casey, careful not to disturb him, and he watched the numbers on the digital clock as they flicked towards the New Year. He longed to hold his arms around Casey but he just lay there listening to Casey's soft breaths as he slept. When Casey moaned in his sleep Severide was worried that he was in pain, he hated to take so many painkillers. He was too stubborn for his own good sometimes.

"Happy New Year, Matty," he whispered into Casey's ear as the clock struck midnight, "I love you and we'll make this work. I promise." He kissed Casey's soft hair and put an arm over him.

"Kel?"

"Hey, baby," Severide smiled.

"What's wrong?" he questioned tiredly.

"Nothing at all. It's 2015," Severide was still smiling at him.

"Happy New Year…" Casey whispered, he leant in and kissed Severide's lips, but he couldn't keep his eyes open and he sank back into sleep almost straight away.

* * *

"Hey, Matt, how are you doing?" the dialysis nurse asked Casey cheerfully next day, he was half way through his session. Although it was January 1st and most people in Chicago were probably still sleeping off their New Year's Eve hangovers life for others went on as normal. Severide had not long left to go and buy some fresh food since he knew Casey would much rather just go straight home once the dialysis session was over.

He put his book down and smiled. "Don't feel like I'm gonna collapse like the other day." A fact he'd neglected to tell Severide about his last session where'd grown so dizzy he had to wait for thirty minutes after the session was done to call a cab and go home, he hadn't wanted Severide to worry about anything whilst he was working.

"Well, that's a good start to the year then." She smiled as she checked the tubing going into the dialysis catheter in his neck. He winced as she did so.

"Can't get any worse than last year," he smiled wryly as she continued.

"Sorry, Matt, not much longer now, you've passed the half way mark," she smiled. She eyed his neck with concern, "It's getting sore, isn't it?"

"No sorer than anything else." He half laughed.

"I'll speak to the doctor see if we can get the catheter moved, it'll be a couple more weeks until we can use your arm," she explained.

"Thank you," he replied appreciatively. The catheter site in his neck had been hurting him for a few days now, but as usual he hadn't said anything to anyone about it and had just put up with it stoically.

"I'll be back later," she smiled, "Enjoy your book." She walked away, leaving him alone in the curtained bay. He closed his eyes, he couldn't be bothered to keep reading any longer. The dialysis made him feel drained and tired as his blood pressure lowered so he just drifted to sleep with the book still in his hand.

The nurse had to wake Casey when she returned just over an hour later to disconnect him from the dialysis machine. His book had fallen to the floor so she picked it up for him and placed it on the table. As the nurse disconnected the tubes from Casey's catheter she spoke to him. "Good news, the doctor has set up an appointment for the catheter to be moved into your chest. A fresh site shouldn't hurt as much as this one does now," she smiled, "They're going to do it for you tomorrow, if that's ok with you, the doctor will be by in a moment to tell you the time."

"What are they doing tomorrow?" Severide questioned as he appeared through the curtain with perfect timing.

"Moving the catheter," the nurse supplied.

Severide nodded and smiled as the nurse left, still smiling he turned to Casey. "All good, baby?"

"All good."


	10. Gas and Air

Severide drove Casey home after the catheter had been moved from his neck. He now had a white dressing taped to his neck where the port had been. There was a huge discoloured bruise at the site but Casey admitted it didn't hurt as much now it had been moved into his chest, hidden underneath his many layers.

"You doing ok?" Severide glanced across to the passenger side.

"Just tired," he muttered as he gazed out of the window.

"We don't have to go straight home, could go out for lunch if you want?" Severide suggested somewhat hesitantly.

"I don't want to go anywhere," he replied, still looking out of the window.

"Matt… this isn't healthy."

"Not sure there's much about me that is healthy," he responded.

"Let's go out for lunch," Severide insisted.

"Let's not."

"You could at least try, what are you even worried about?"

Casey's eyes widened and he shot a glare across at Severide. If looks could kill Severide would have been a dead man. "How about we chop off your leg and see what you're worried about?" he spat out spitefully. "I'm sorry… I wouldn't wish this on anyone. I'm sorry."

Severide shook his head, sighing. "What's going on in that head of yours today?"

"Just the usual shitty mess," Casey replied with a sour note in his voice.

"No, this is different, talk to me, baby," he pressed.

"The future," Casey said simply. "What am I meant to do?"

"Everything will be all right, it's all right now because…"

"Please stop telling me that everything's all right. It's not all right." He shook his head adamantly, his emotions unleashed. "What am I supposed to do now?"

Severide spoke gently and with a hint of determination, he had to make Casey see that this wasn't the end of the world even though everything had changed. "Right now all you need is to be here with me. Over the next few months, over the next year even, you're gonna walk, ok? That's the aim. That's what your focus is."

"I need to do something, I need to..."

"You've done so much, Matt, you are going to recover, and every few weeks or months we'll revaluate the situation, ok? We're gonna live day by day. I'm just going to be thankful that you're still here."

Casey sighed heavily as Severide pulled up to the apartment complex. "I'm being ungrateful and…"

"No." Severide shook his head. "No, you're not."

They sat in silence after Severide switched off the engine, and after a few moments Casey spoke up, "I am scared, scared that there's going to be nothing in the future."

"I'm scared too, Matt. I'm scared you won't get a kidney and I won't get to live the rest of my life with you."

* * *

Casey's days were all spent in much the same way. He was alone so much of the time, in his room, just sleeping, sleeping too much for Severide's liking. He was already worried that Casey was suffering from depression, although the doctors at the hospital didn't seem too concerned about it. Severide knew far more about Casey than they did, he knew Casey had suffered with bouts of depression before his injuries, and he knew that this loss of independence and the loss of his career was more than enough to send him into a downward spiral. The doctors decided not to make any assumptions at this stage, they felt Casey's behaviour was all part of the grieving process from having lost one of his legs.

Dialysis was proving to be the easiest part of Casey's life at the moment. All that was required was for him to just sit, something he was accomplished at doing right now. Although he often joked that he wasn't quite that good since it did hurt him to sit in one position for a long time. But then again it hurt him to move as well, so he couldn't win.

Physio was hard, there was no hiding that. Even though he was very fit, or had been before his injuries, it was exhausting mentally and physically for him and he felt like he was getting nowhere fast, although Severide was insisting he would have to wear tank tops for the rest of his life so he could admire his arms.

At home Casey was struggling to do things everyone else took for granted, things he'd never even had to really think about before the accident. Just getting in and out of bed, using the toilet and manoeuvring around the apartment were all mammoth tasks. He was adjusting though, and Severide's modifications to the apartment helped greatly. He was managing to take a shower and wash himself once they had got the protector onto this left leg. and once Severide had helped him to sit on the shower seat. He could wrap his residual limb although he still found it hard to look at the end of his leg, at times when he touched it he could picture his whole leg, even feel it at times, but then it would hit him like a freight train when he realised it was gone and there was no going back. So he tried to push that to the back of his mind.

Eating and drinking was much more of a chore than the pleasure it used to be for him now. He couldn't even enjoy cooking anymore because he couldn't reach the cupboards or the worktops. And so eating just became a necessity, every so often if he would have to refer to some of the leaflets and information the dietician had given him, it was easy to forget what he should or shouldn't be eating. Soon he found it was easier just to eat the same thing day after day.

He still preferred to sleep on his own but made no objections when Severide came and joined him every so often, he just hated the thought of lying naked next to him, his body didn't feel like his own anymore, he felt disfigured, distorted and ugly and he wasn't sure if those feelings would ever change.  
 **  
**

* * *

After almost three weeks at home Casey was allowed to start bearing weight on his damaged left leg. He struggled with it but he stood up for the first time. His body felt completely out of balance and the metal contraption attached to his leg made matters even worse. Ordinarily he would have been able to bear weight on his left leg much sooner but since all his weight would have to be placed on it the doctors decided to wait until the bones in his leg and pelvis were healing well.

"Well done, baby," Severide had beamed when Casey stood up for the first time. Ty was assisting him, holding onto the webbed belt that was around Casey's waist providing some support and balance for him. Severide was rarely present at Casey's physiotherapy sessions but today was an exception. He knew that Casey liked his privacy at the best of times and didn't like anyone to see him struggle with anything but Severide had asked him anyway, just on the off chance that he might say yes and he had.

Casey had been determined he was going to stand up for the first time and his hands were gripping the bars tightly as he balanced there, helped by Ty. He shot Severide a look at the congratulatory remark. He really didn't want this to be an achievement even though he knew it was. The doctors had told Casey that morning that his leg seemed to be healing well and that some weight bearing for short bursts of time may well do it good in preparation for the removal of the fixator. Casey was sweating and grunting a little by the time he had been standing for a few moments and his arms were starting to shake with the sheer physical effort.

Ty was smiling at him too. "All right, Matt, good, sit back down for me, just ease yourself down, I've still got some of your weight… that's it, there we go. Good, Matt. Really good," he nodded enthusiastically. "How tired are you now? Think you can manage it a second time?"

"I can do more than twice," Casey insisted, breathing heavily.

"I'm sure you could, but just once more and then we'll call it a day," Ty replied as Severide looked on with pride. "What have I said about overdoing it?"

"I know, I know," Casey said as he wiped the sweat away from his forehead.

"Ok, ready when you are. Take it slowly…"

* * *

Another three weeks passed by, it had now been over two months since Casey had lost his right leg as the result of the terrorist bomb. He was lying on a hospital bed with a smile on his face as he and Severide waited for the orthopaedic team to come and remove the fixator from his left leg. The x-ray that morning had revealed that the bones had knitted together well and the breaks in his pelvic bones had also healed successfully, meaning that he could soon start learning to walk again with crutches and other aids. But as Ty kept reminding him, he wouldn't be able to walk straight away because they needed to work on strengthening his left leg. The doctors and surgeons still weren't sure of the severity of the nerve damage but Casey was hopeful that the nerves would have healed well enough. Severide admired Casey's positive attitude of late, there'd been a big change in the last few weeks. He seemed to be adjusting to his new physicality, and if he couldn't do something the way he used to he would find a way around it.

After a few minutes of waiting a doctor and a nurse entered the procedure room. "Hi there, Matt, I imagine you don't remember me much, I'm Doctor Patel, I operated on your leg."

"Did you take my other leg?" Casey asked curiously.

"I assisted during the surgery," he replied. "How are you doing? How's rehab?"

"Be better once this contraption is gone." Casey smiled, a little forcefully.

"Well, we'll get started then." The doctor smiled back.

The nurse handed Casey an inhaler attached by a tube to a canister by the bed. "Some gas and air if you need it," she told him.

Casey frowned and exchanged a glance with Severide. "What? Am I giving birth?" He half laughed.

"A full breath of this is the equivalent of 15mg of morphine," the nurse began to explain, "But it works straight away, and wears off very quickly so just have it when you need it, ok?"

"I'm going to need it?" Casey asked both the nurse and the doctor, frowning.

"Hopefully not too much," she replied.

"Hopefully…" Casey repeated with a hint of disdain.

"We'll try and make it as quick and as painless as we can, but you have a lot of pins in here so there will be some pain and there's likely to be some bleeding," the doctor said. "Some may hurt more than others when they're pulled out. Are you ready?"

"Yeah," he nodded, but he wasn't sure he was ready.

"Hey, wait," Severide interrupted, all eyes turned to him. "I'm not sure I'm ready to say goodbye to it yet... it is kinda sexy." He grinned at Casey teasingly.

Casey rolled his eyes. "Please ignore him," he told the doctor and nurse who were now grinning along with them.

First the nurse cleaned the whole of Casey's leg with an iodine wash. Then the doctor loosened the nuts and bolts on the frame with a spanner and a screwdriver so they could check that his bones really were sufficiently healed to go ahead with the fixator removal. After a quick examination of his leg the doctor was pleased that Casey had felt little pain. Satisfied so far the man then released the tension in the frame and rods before using wire cutters to snap the metal pins that had been drilled into Casey's leg and through the bones to hold them in place. The process took a while since the fixator covered the majority of his leg.

"Woah…" Casey breathed as the lower part of the frame was removed.

"You in pain?" Severide touched his arm in a comforting gesture.

Casey shook his head. "Just feels… weird."

Soon the whole of the frame was removed and his leg was just left with all the silver pins sticking out. The pin sites were cleaned again, just like Casey cleaned them daily at home, to prevent the spread of any infection as they were pulled out. The doctor grabbed a pair of plyers and started to remove wires from Casey's bone.

After the first few were removed from his foot Severide could see the conflict in Casey's eyes as he gritted his teeth in pain. "Matt, stop being so stubborn."

The next time the doctor pulled and twisted the pin Casey used the gas and air. He took a deep breath from the inhaler and relaxed back on the bed as Severide watched a thick trickle of dark red blood follow the pin out of the hole. He turned away, looking directly at Casey's face. Severide had seen plenty of gore in his career but the sight of a doctor pulling metal pins out of bleeding holes in Casey's leg made him pale.

Casey sighed and looked at his leg, he watched the doctor go to the next wire and pull it out, taking another deep breath from the mouthpiece he held in one hand, his other hand was tightly gripping the edge of the bed.

Severide ran a soothing hand up and down his arm. "You're all right, won't take too long now you're using this," he tried to reassure Casey who just nodded and shut his eyes firmly.

It seemed like an eternity since the doctor had started to remove the pins and there were many more to go as he worked his way up from Casey's foot towards his knee. Some of them came out easily and didn't hurt at all. Others were more difficult, brutal even. Each time a pin was out the nurse would clean the area and place a small white gauze pad over the hole, some of which quickly became saturated with blood.

"Fuck…" Casey could help but curse as the doctor moved up passed his knee, despite the gas and air the pain brought tears to his eyes and all Severide could do was try to reassure him with soothing words and touches.

"Do you need a break, Matt?" the doctor asked as the nurse wiped the last hole where a pin had been pulled from.

"Just keep going..." Casey told him through gritted teeth. He just wanted it over and done with.

By the time all the wires and pins were out the white sheet beneath Casey's leg was soaked with bright red splotches of blood. The nurse finished cleaning his leg, wiping it down with antiseptic that stung the open wounds, but Casey was just grateful that the fixator was off and that he could soon get on with his rehabilitation without any more hindrance. The metal plates and pins in his pelvis would have to remain there for the rest of his life, but everything had healed much better than anyone had imagined after such traumatic breaks.

Casey gazed down at his leg, it was covered in small squares of gauze but he could see the scarring on his leg much more clearly now the fixator was gone, his primary doctor had told him there would likely be some scarring particularly where the skin graft had been done on his lower leg, but until now Casey didn't realise how much of a mess his left leg was. It made him think that his right one really must have been completely unrecognisable after the accident.

He watched as the nurse covered his leg from foot to thigh in fresh gauze dressings. Then she wrapped a white bandage around it in a well-practised weave until his entire leg was covered up. "You need to keep these bandages on for the next few days, the aftercare instructions say to change them once a day but I'd advise you to change them at least twice because of your higher risk of infection," the doctor explained as he and the nurse cleared up the debris from the procedure.

"Yeah, we'll keep on top of it," Severide said, his hand still by Casey's side.

"Well, you're going to be sore for quite a while and there'll be a lot of bruising but your normal painkillers will help deal with the swelling," the doctor told Casey. "Ok, now before we put the brace on I want to do a couple of tests, all right, Matt?"

"Nerve damage?" Casey questioned simply.

"Yes, but I'm not worried that there will be any significant damage," the doctor said as he placed one of his hands against the sole of Casey's foot. "Now, can you just press your foot against my hand?"

Casey used all the strength he had but he knew he was having little success. He sighed, he had hoped for more once the fixator was off. "I'm not really doing anything, am I?"

"Your left leg probably has less strength than a kitten right now but you've got to think what you've been through, your whole leg was partially reconstructed, it's gonna take some time to get the strength back, we're going to help support it with the brace for a while to help you," the doctor explained, "The brace isn't going to hold your leg in place like the fixator, you'll be able to use your knee, it's just a supportive device."

"At least the leg's still there." Casey shrugged, downhearted at the lack of strength. He had expected more of himself even though everyone had been reminding him how weak the leg would be.

"You will get stronger," the man reassured him.  
  
Next the doctor lifted Casey's leg an inch above the bed and asked him to hold it there as long as he could. Casey couldn't hold it at all, he apologised and Severide gave him a quick reassuring smile, letting him know everything was ok. After the doctor finished examining Casey's leg he nodded with satisfaction.  
  
"I'm really happy with all this. Matt, everything looks as good as can be expected with the injuries you received. I'll get you an appointment with the prosthetist, he'll get you sorted with a temporary prosthetic," the doctor smiled, "Hopefully that'll mean we'll have you up and about soon."

"Already?" he questioned, finally relaxed now the pain had mainly subsided.

"You've still got a long road ahead and you're still going to need the wheelchair for some time," the doctor explained, "I'm not going to sugar coat it, Matt, using a walker or crutches with or without the temporary prosthetic is going to be exhausting, even with all the preparation in your physio sessions. It's going to be hard work but I'm sure you'll get there."

* * *

Later that day Casey was sprawled across the couch with his left leg lying across Severide's thighs as he watched the TV. But Casey was paying no attention to the programme. Instead he was gazing at Severide's face studying every little thing about it, his perfect green eyes, his beautiful profile, his lips, his hair. The man he loved. The man who loved him back unconditionally even though he felt that he was no longer deserving. Casey couldn't help but smile as he watched him.

"Will you quit staring at me?" Severide complained with a teasing flash of his eyes before he looked back at the TV. "It's a little unnerving," he added.

"I can't help it," Casey retorted, "You're perfect."

"I thought that gas and air was supposed to wear off immediately," he said as he looked down into Casey's face with one eyebrow raised.

"Oh, it did, don't worry," Casey told him, grinning.

"You're not in pain now are you?" Severide questioned with concern, "How does your leg feel?"

"Very light," he replied half-jokingly.

"Not in pain?" Severide repeated the unanswered question.

"It is sore but a load of metal was yanked out of it earlier," he said, smiling still.

"Your other leg?" Severide asked as he glanced down at Casey's residual limb. Shay had altered the black joggers he had on so there was just a small tuck under the end of the leg. And underneath that was the wrap he had helped Casey with that morning before they had gone over to the hospital to have the fixator taken off. Severide had also given Casey a massage to help relieve his aches and pains that morning. It was also a good way of helping to prevent scar tissue building up in his residual limb and causing any problems in the future. Plus it gave Severide great enjoyment, he loved giving Casey a massage, he always had.

"Not really much of a leg is it?" Casey grinned.

"Maybe not. But I gotta say I'm proud of you," Severide began, speaking softly, emotion in his voice. He had wanted to tell Casey that for weeks now, because it was the absolute truth. Severide was incredibly proud of the way he was handling things now. Not that he'd expected any less of Casey. He had been certain in his own head that Casey would cope successfully with the physical demands of his injuries, and now he seemed to be on top of his emotional state also. His depression and low moods appeared to be lessening and his general state of mind had improved greatly since he had been discharged almost two months back.

Casey's infectious laugh broke into Severide's thoughts and brought him back into the room. "Aw thanks, dad."

"Very funny," Severide retorted dryly. "But I really am proud of you. Had me worried for a while but you seem to be coping ok now?"

"He says questioningly..." Casey chuckled. "But I guess I am. Thanks to you."


	11. Arrhythmia

After spending a further week improving the muscle strength in his left leg Casey had his first appointment with the prosthetist. It had been planned for a day when Severide was off shift so he could accompany him. Casey wouldn't be coming away with a prosthetic after just this first meeting, they were going to have a lengthy conversation about Casey's future expectations, and how his rehabilitation was currently going. The prosthetist was a small round man with small round glasses and a friendly face. Casey was uncomfortable to begin with, but the man put him at ease straight away with his jocular attitude and warm manner.

"I just want to walk, I think…" Casey half laughed. "I don't really have any greater expectations than that… my left leg is proving to be rather useless, I just wanna get out of this chair."

The man nodded in understanding and went on to explain. "So, you're going to have this first prosthetic whilst your residual limb is still healing up. Your expectations may change as your strength and ability improve as well. For now we'll make a cast of the limb so we can make a socket. This first prosthetic won't have any cosmetic details because we'll most likely need to change and adjust it as you learn to use it. Have you got any questions? Anything else you want to know?"

"How long will he have this one?" Severide questioned when Casey remained silent.

"Probably around six to eight months depending on the residual limb's healing time," the man answered. "Once it has completely healed up then we'll sort out a more permanent prosthetic. They don't last a lifetime but you'll have it for quite a while so when the time comes we'll know what special features and cosmetic looks you want to have..."

"Special features?" Casey quizzed, his face a mix of curiosity and surprise.

"Well, there are a lot of different types of prosthetics, especially for above the knee amputations such as yours. Many of them have features that make them easier to use."

"Easy to use sounds good." Casey smiled back at the man and over to Severide.

"Right, shall we get started with doing this cast then?"

* * *

Just over a week after his initial prosthetic fitting and a couple of follow up appointments Casey got to try his new limb for the first time, it was heavier than he imagined it would be but was told his next one would be lighter. He was shown how to put it on and take it off. It was fairly straight forward to fit and Casey finally felt like he was taking a step towards a normal life, if he could walk unaided the future wasn't going to be quite so bleak. He didn't want to get ahead of himself but if he could get up and down and manoeuvre freely perhaps he could get his construction business back up and running. That would be something at least. He didn't want to rely on handouts, he didn't want money he didn't feel like he'd earned, although Severide kept insisting that disability pay was not a handout and he had earned it, not by becoming disabled but by all his years of service to the CFD.

The prosthetic had a simple suction socket. Casey still wrapped his residual limb daily but now he would wear a simple liner which would provide cushion and comfort whilst making sure the socket fit correctly, they didn't want any setbacks like sores or blisters on his residual limb. As the prosthetist had explained in their first meeting this temporary prosthesis was purely functional and the mechanics of the limb could be seen clearly, but in the future Casey could choose to have a cosmetic cover that would look like a natural limb but he'd already decided he didn't want that, he'd just rather have something functional.

His first physiotherapy session with the prosthetic happened later that day. It was much harder than he imagined but he did stand up for the first time with little assistance by the end of the session. Both the prosthetist and Ty advised him to wear his new limb as much as possible so that he could get used to the feel of it, although he wouldn't be using it much as an aid outside of his sessions until he was up and about on it. Ty didn't want to give Casey any estimates but Casey was difficult to say no to, and eventually Ty had said he hoped Casey would be using the parallel bars to help him walk by the end of the next week.

* * *

Casey's door was wide open and Severide walked in to find him sitting on the bed with the prosthetic leg and the brace lying next to him. He could tell by the expression on Casey's face that he was having issues with them. It had almost been a week since he'd received the prosthetic.

"Do you want a hand?" Severide asked softly as he walked up to him.

"Do I really have to wear these when I'm just at home, not like I'm walking or anything," he sighed.

"You need to get used to the prosthetic, Ty and…"

"Maybe I don't want one," he admitted, despite his previous positivity he was continuingly being overshadowed by his negative thoughts.

Severide frowned, this was the first time Casey had mentioned this. "You won't walk without one."

"I'm not walking," he stated.

"Not walking _yet_ ," Severide corrected him.

"How are you always so positive?" he asked Severide wearily.

"Did something happen yesterday?" Severide asked, ignoring Casey's question. "You've been 'off' all morning."

"I… I almost fell over yesterday, would have hit the ground if Ty hadn't been supporting me," he explained quietly. "My knee gave way as I stood up."

Severide just smiled. "You're gonna fall down, Matt, but you'll always get back up again. Nothing's going to stop you."

"I thought physio would be hard, but I thought it would be easier once I could use my left leg, once I had this…" he glanced at the prosthetic. "Turns out it's harder. Maybe they should have taken my left leg too."

"You're already stronger," Severide told him. "And I know Ty wouldn't have you getting up and standing on it if he didn't think you were ready. Patience isn't your strong suit."

"Not yours either," Casey smiled. They both laughed, each knowing that the other one was quite right.

"Listen, why don't we go out tonight? Like we used to. I'm on shift tomorrow and I hate not seeing you for twenty-four hours so let's do something," Severide suggested hopefully. He was worried that Casey had isolated himself in the apartment since he had been discharged from the hospital. He was just hiding away from everyone and everything in the outside world. "We could go to that new Italian place, Shay had a Valentine's Day date there a few weeks ago, food was good apparently, better than her date anyway," he laughed a little recalling the story he'd received from her the morning after her night out.

"What's she doing tonight?" Casey asked, "You could go out with her, go to a strip club or something…"

"I want to go out with you, my boyfriend," Severide looked into Casey's face. He loved that face so much, and the man behind it. No matter whether he had one leg or two, whether he was walking or not. He loved him. He always would.

"Can't we just stay in? We could make dinner together?" Casey asked, clearly not keen on the thought of venturing out into a public place yet.

"Yeah, sure, baby," Severide nodded, trying to hide his disappointment. "What do you fancy eating? I can go to the store?"

"We have steak in, how about that?" he replied.

"Yeah," Severide smiled, "Steak and new potatoes?"

"I don't want potatoes… well, I do but…"

"This sucks," Severide stated plainly.

"Yeah, this sucks," Casey said in agreement.

"I hate to bring it up but have you thought about trying to contact your mom?" he ventured now the subject had been brought to the front of his mind.

Casey half laughed. "Even if she was a match she'd probably say no."

"Worth a shot though?"

Casey sighed. "I don't want to need her. I don't want her to think that I need her."

"Matt…"

"When I was nine I got really sick with the flu, ended up being hospitalised, no one stayed with me, maybe I was too out of it but I don't remember her or dad being there," Casey admitted, he'd never spoken about this to anyone before. "I remember you being with me in the hospital. Even if I couldn't recall what day it was, or really where I was, I remember you being there. No one's ever done that for me before. I proved a long time ago to myself and to my mom that I didn't need her… no matter how much I wanted her to be there for me."

"Who cares what she thinks, Matt, if there's a chance she could give you a kidney you should take it."

"I don't want to… I don't want to get my hopes up, I don't want to speak to her and for her to tell me that she… that she doesn't want to help me. I don't want to know what she'd do, I don't want another disappointment."

Severide sighed but there was a vague smile on his lips as he stared at Casey. "And I thought my family had fucked me up."

* * *

Casey was only half awake when he heard the bedroom door open, he was indulging in the warmth and comfort of the king-size bed, lying on his side with his face almost buried in the pillow. He felt the bed covers move a little but his eyes remained closed. "Kel?" he mumbled, not moving.

"Nah, just another one of your many whores..."

"What's happening... what're you doing?" Casey asked tiredly as he felt Severide slip under the bed covers behind him.

"Tough shift," Severide supplied. That was all he needed to say.

Casey knew it must have been bad for Severide to admit to that so he slowly turned himself over to face him. "What can I do?" he asked softly.

"Nothing. Just being here and seeing your face is enough..."

"What happened?" he asked gently.

"Train derailment," Severide told him, sighing sadly.

Casey knew not to press him for details. He wanted to know all about it but he didn't ask for any more information. Instead he took Severide's hand. "Well, why don't you just spend the day in here with me then? And the night..?"

"You're just trying to make me feel better?"

"Does it matter? Let's just sleep..."

* * *

The nurse's watchful eyes followed Casey's every move as he made the transfer from the wheelchair to the bed. They'd measured his dry weight so all that was needed now was for her to set him up with the dialysis machine. She took note of how he was wincing and frowning when he sat down onto the mattress. He lay back a little and she inserted the two 15 gauge needles into the AV fistula created in his arm. Then she taped the needles safely into place on his arm so they didn't loosen during the session. "How's your pain, Matt? You've come from physio today?" she asked him as she made the final adjustments to the tubing and removed the clips.

"Hurts when I sit," Casey replied with a small self-deprecating smile, he gazed down at the bright red blood that was going into the tubing.

"I could lower the back of the bed a little if you want?" she suggested kindly, trying to see that he was as comfortable as possible as he would have to sit there for quite a long time.

"Hurts when I lay down too." Casey almost laughed at the admission but it was true. He just felt entirely useless and wondered when he'd ever stop feeling so sore after physio, after any sort of movement.

"What do you take for pain, sweetie?" she was asked.

"Tylenol, sometimes Advil," he shrugged, "They're all pretty useless most of the time though."

"It'd be worth speaking to your doctor about something stronger, and it could help with your physio sessions too if..."

"Physio is gonna be lousy and painful whether I'm doped up on some drug or not," he laughed, and then sighed, "I just have to get through it."

"But you don't have to be in pain, Matt, there's no need to be. Just speak to your doctor, promise me you will?" she encouraged him.

But Casey didn't answer her, he was staring back down at the tubes attached to his right arm that were now filled with blood going in and out of his body. "How will I die? If I don't get a kidney, how will I die?" he asked, his face was impassive.

"Matt, that's a very long way off yet. You're still relatively healthy..." she began, wanting to deflect the question and not go into huge detail about how kidney failure patients were most likely to die.

"Tell me," Casey persisted, looking her directly in the eyes.

"Matt…"

"Please," he nodded, "I want to know."

"You're already anaemic," she said, he nodded, knowing this was the case, and she continued, "Eventually the anaemia can cause the heart to stop pumping enough oxygenated blood around the body. That can cause heart failure, that's the most common cause of death. Also there can be complications from fluid retention. But you have no reason to worry about that at the moment. If your anaemia worsens your doctor can give you an EPO shot regularly. But right now you are as healthy as you can be given the circumstances."

"I'm not on the transplant list," he said, "I'm too high risk and I can't look after myself yet so wouldn't be any good post-surgery."

"But you're looking for a living donor aren't you? That's a different thing all together," she encouraged with a reassuring smile.

"Yeah, I guess," he shrugged slightly, mindful of his right arm. "Think the efforts have slowed down now, it's been months, there are other more important things on everyone's mind now. But I really don't mind. I could have died in that building, probably should have, but I didn't so really five to ten years is a lot of time."

Detecting Casey's low mood, she smiled at him and tried to remain upbeat. "They'll re-evaluate you for the transplant list once you're physically stronger. You'll get a kidney eventually, one way or the other."

He smiled slightly at her optimism but he didn't share it. "Still not sure I want to be on it," his voice was quiet and serious now. He nodded at the dialysis machine as it whirred next to him and carried out its life saving work. "So many people come in here every day, a transplant could really change their lives, wouldn't change mine much…"

"You just concentrate on getting fitter and walking again," she nodded towards his grey jogger clad legs, "Prosthetic looks good."

He smiled, it had been the first time he'd kept it on after a physiotherapy session. "I keep getting told I should wear it most of the time, even though it seems like it's more of an accessory than an aid at the moment."

"You'll get there, remember it's like learning to ride a bike when you're a kid. Once you get the hang of it there'll be no stopping you."

"Ha. yeah, that's what everyone keeps on saying."

"Sick of it then?"

"What I mean by everyone is Ty and Kelly..." Casey laughed. But the expression became a frown soon enough. "Guess I've talked to hospital staff more than anyone else in the last few months... thanks by the way, I should say it more often since you have to put up with me so much."

"No need, you're a pleasure to help," she smiled.

"You won't be saying that in a few more months, you'll be sick of the sight of me," he returned her smile.

"I don't think anyone could ever be sick of the sight of you," she teased. "Right, are you feeling all right? Comfortable?"

"Comfortable as I'll ever be."

"I'll be back soon, you know the drill, hit that if you need me," she nodded down at the call button beside Casey, smiled and left him to it.  
  
Some time later, just as he felt as if he was drifting off to sleep, the nurse was back checking the dialysis machine and the tubing going into his arm.   
  
"How are you doing, Matt?" she asked, noting his pale skin.

"Tired," he replied honestly. "How do people do this all the time?"

"For most patients kidney failure happens gradually so dialysis is a gradual process they get used to slowly," she told him.

"Right..."

"Catastrophic loss of kidney function is relatively rare, you're a special case, Matt," she said with a warm smile.

"Special's one word for it." Casey laughed, his mood lifting a little as he chatted with the nurse.

"Are you saying that you don't love coming here every other day then?" she questioned teasingly seeing as his spirits had improved since earlier. She'd seen Casey on his better days and on his bad days. She knew what trauma he had been through. She also knew what a genuine and kind-hearted person he was. it hadn't taken her long to figure that out, so she had set herself the task of trying to keep him cheerful whenever she was taking care of him in the dialysis unit.

"Nah, wish I could come here every day, just to see you," he grinned. Suddenly his head began to feel strange, as if he was floating in the air. Everything started to swim in front of his eyes. The world seemed to shift. "Woah…" he breathed and his head sunk back into the pillow behind him.

"Lightheaded?" she asked quickly.

"Mmm… dizzy…" he managed to say.

"Your blood pressure has dropped," he heard her say, feeling himself moving as she lowered the bed backwards so he was lying flat. "Matt, take some nice deep breaths for me, in... that's it... and out..." her voice was floating way above him somewhere, echoing in his ears.

"What's going on?" he slurred, his head was still spinning with grey swirls blurring the edges of his vision and his chest was fluttering madly.

Before the nurse could get a reply out a doctor appeared. Casey couldn't focus on what they were saying even though they were right by his side he couldn't hear their words. He felt his eyelids being pried back and a piercing light glared uncomfortably into his eyes one after the other and back again.

After a few seconds only the whites of Casey's eyes were visible and they rolled back into his head as he fell into unconsciousness.

"Matt? Matt?" he could hear a voice calling his name but it seemed to be far in the distance and he could scarcely respond. He couldn't get his eyes to open. He sensed he was lying flat on his back but had no idea why. When he could finally get his eyes open, he could see the outline of someone standing looking down at him.

"Kel?" he mumbled.

"No, he's not here, sweetie. It's Shelley, the nurse. How're you feeling?" she asked him softly.

"Wha... hap...?" he murmured, moaning slightly.

"You blacked out. Your heart was beating irregularly so we had to stop the dialysis," she explained.

"Doesn't sound good…" he commented, his voice gaining more strength as his head became a little clearer.

"You're all right now, Matt," the doctor spoke up. "You scared us for a moment but it's nothing to worry about now, if you continue to have arrhythmias or struggle with your blood pressure we can put you on some medication that will help. But unfortunately it can happen, especially during dialysis. If you've got any concerns just bring them up with your primary doctor or nephrologist, all right?"

"Yeah," he nodded tiredly. "Thanks," he muttered as the doctor walked away.

"Are you alone today? Is Kelly picking you up?" the nurse asked him.

"Kelly's coming… please don't tell him about this."

"Matt, you need him to keep an eye on you today, I'm sure you'd rather that than be observed down in the ER for the rest of the day."

Casey closed his eyes in defeat. "You're kidding, right? I feel fine now," he replied.

"You're whiter than the bedsheets, Matt," she informed him.

"Oh…"

"Just rest up for now, I'll talk to Kelly when he gets here."

* * *

"Are you still feeling ok?" Severide enquired, sticking his head around Casey's door later that day.

"I'm fine, Kelly," he grinned, "Would just like to sleep now."

"Yeah, ok," Severide nodded, still hovering behind the door with his head peeping in.

"Can't do that with you checking on me every five minutes," he hinted.

"Right, yeah, of course, I'll be right out here if you need me." Severide smiled and closed the door, bathing Casey's bedroom, no longer just the spare room, in darkness even though it was only just after 3pm.

Severide retrieved a beer from the fridge and settled on the couch, trying to focus on the TV. He was still worried about what the nurse had told him at the hospital earlier on when he'd arrived to take Casey home after his dialysis. He had looked so pale and ill then and Severide didn't reckon he looked any better now if he was truthful, but Casey was insisted he felt fine now and just needed some quality sleep. Which was what he usually preferred to do after both physiotherapy and dialysis had taken its toll on his body in the same day. He checked on Casey intermittently, each time he entered the bedroom he just wanted to slip under the covers and lay next to the man he loved but he refrained, knowing it was better for Casey if he wasn't disturbed.

Severide was just about to go upstairs to his own room when he heard a strangled cry come from Casey's room. He raced to his side straight away. Casey was thrashing about in the bed. His lips were moving but no words came out, just undecipherable moans. He grabbed at Casey's flailing arms, trying to calm him down, he was going to hurt himself if he didn't.  
  
"Matt, baby…" he tried to wake him, tried to bring him back to reality but Casey kept struggling, he was trying to move, trying to push the bed covers back and free himself from the tangled mess. "Oh God…" Severide breathed in realisation of what was happening in front of him. He let go of Casey's arms, pulled the covers away and dumped them onto the floor. "Matty… c'mon… wake up for me…" he tried.

"Hurts…" Casey moaned, still not fully conscious or aware of Severide's presence yet.

"Matt?"

"Get it off me…" Casey muttered, writhing on top of the mattress.

"You're ok, baby, you're all right," Severide tried to console him, tried to bring him back to reality.

"Kel?"

"I'm here, I'm right here," he reassured Casey.

"Kel… it hurts… please…"

"It's all right, I'm here, I've got you." Severide's voice was soothing as he sat down on the bed next to Casey and pulled him up into a light embrace. "I've got you."

"Can't move… my legs… my legs hurts…" Casey was repeating over and over, anguish filled his voice.

"Ok, all right, I'll be back." Severide made to stand up, trying to reassure Casey although he wasn't even sure his boy had heard him. He pried Casey's hand from its grip on the front of his t-shirt and turned to leave the room.

When he got back to Casey's side he could hear small soft involuntary whimpers and it almost broke his heart. "Matty, here… let me sit you up a bit, ok?"

"Kel?"

"Yeah I'm here, I'm right here with you," Severide replied as he helped Casey up a little, moving some more pillows behind him for support.

"You found me..." Casey whispered, his eyes flickering.

"Matt… you're in your bedroom," Severide spoke calmly despite his worry over Casey's mixed realities. "You're home."

"But… but my legs… my legs are trapped…" Casey's face fell into a frown.

"Look," Severide insisted. "You're fine, you're not trapped, I promise."

"I can feel it... hurts so much…" Casey's eyes filled with tears because what he was experiencing was real enough.

"Shh… it's ok, it's all right," Severide lulled, hoping Casey would remain calm. "Here, take these, they'll stop the pain…"

Casey shook his head, still hardly aware of where he was.

"Matty, baby, you're not trapped, you're all right, you're in bed," Severide soothed.

"Pain's not real then?" he murmured after a few moments as his head cleared a little.

"Yeah, it's real, so please take these…" Severide held two pills out in front of him.

"But my leg's gone…" Tears rolled down Casey's distraught face. "My leg's gone… it's gone…" his voice cracked as he struggled with the reality that brought him fully out of his sleeping nightmare. His breaths were increasing rapidly and Severide worried that he would hyperventilate. He was half sobbing and half moaning.

"Shh… I've got you, I've got you, it's ok, you're all right…"

"It's gone…"


	12. First Steps

It took Casey a while to figure out why he woke up to find himself firmly held in Severide's strong arms with a blanket covering the both of them. He could remember the confusion, he could remember the fear, but most of all he could remember the agonising pain he had felt during the night. There was little pain now apart from his hips and lower back, most likely caused by the position he was in now. Severide was sitting up against the headboard, holding Casey against his warm and bare muscular chest. Casey shifted slightly to try and relieve his discomfort, a short hiss of pain escaped from between his teeth.

"Hey, baby," Severide's voice gently penetrated the air. "Need some meds?"

"M'ok now," he replied quietly.

"You're gonna be sore after sleeping like this," Severide commented.

"Did you get any sleep?" he asked. Severide's hesitation gave him the answer. "Sorry."

"I'd rather stay awake all night with you." Severide smiled down at Casey's ruffled hair.

"What's the time?" Casey mumbled, unable to tell how light it was because of the blackout curtains.

Severide looked over Casey and peered at the luminous alarm clock. "Just after 9am," he supplied.

He frowned and after a moment he quizzed, "Aren't you on shift today?"

"Called in, said I was gonna be late, had something more important to do," Severide explained softly.

"Not sure I'm more important than saving lives…"

"You're the most important thing to me in the world," he replied.

"So I'm a 'thing' now?" Casey grinned.

"You're my thing," Severide teased.

"Huh… don't think I've ever been someone's property before." He laughed, snuggling against Severide. He sighed heavily, mulling over what he could recall about the previous night.

"What are you thinking?" Severide's question broke into his thoughts.

He looked up into Severide's green eyes, those perfect eyes that could always see when something was weighing heavily on his mind. "I don't want to be here," he almost whispered.

"What do you mean?" Severide questioned quickly, worried by Casey's statement.

"I want to go away," Casey continued, "Anywhere. Away from all of this."

"Away from me?" he teased.

"Never away from you." Casey shook his head into Severide's bare chest.

"So, you want to go on vacation with me? That's a big step for a couple..." Severide said, still teasing him mercilessly, "A vacation is a big deal."

"I don't mean a vacation… just away."

"I know." Severide nodded. "But maybe a little break would be a good idea. We've mentioned going fishing a few times, but maybe we should go somewhere warm, stay in a swanky hotel, fly first class…"

"I can think of more than a few reasons why we can't do that," Casey told him.

"Always so negative." He grinned.

"Just realistic, one of us has to be," Casey said, pushing himself from Severide's chest and sat back against the headboard, mimicking Severide's position. A small wince escaped his lips. His body felt so sore and his muscles were tight and strained

"So go on then, Mr Pessimistic." Severide smiled. "Why can't we go?"

"Well, firstly I have to be connected to this thing every other day, or I could die because I can't piss." He held his lightly bruised arm up as if to reinforce what he was saying. "And secondly, first class and a swanky hotel is not gonna happen, my medical bills may be being paid for, but I still have bills, thirdly…" he trailed off realising it was probably best not to continue.

But Severide pressed on, pushing Casey to talk to him and to open up. "Thirdly?"

"How am I supposed to enjoy it anyway? All I'd be able to do is sit around… that's nothing more than I do here… it'll just be a different location." He shrugged.

"Maybe when you're better then…" Severide encouraged. "But Chicago isn't the only place in the world with dialysis units…"

"I'm never going to be better, Kelly." It wasn't said with much misery at all, it was more just resignation, Casey had accepted his new limitations.

* * *

Almost two weeks after Casey got his temporary prosthetic he managed to take his first faltering steps with it. Ty was moving with him along the set of parallel bars in the physiotherapy suite. Severide was sitting a few feet away on one of the hard plastic chairs lining a part of the wall. He was watching Casey with an unmistakable look of pride filling his eyes. He was also ready to jump in if Ty needed any kind of assistance with Casey. Whenever he wasn't on shift he liked to accompany Casey to his rehabilitation sessions if Casey would let him.

"Well done, Matt, take a moment." Ty raised an arm to stop Casey from moving any further along the bars, still holding onto the webbing belt around Casey's waist. "Sit back down for a little while." He indicated for Severide bring the wheelchair back over to Casey.

"Those steps next, right?" he questioned with a small smile as he caught his breath, nodding towards the corner of the room where there was a small set of stairs.

"Sit back down, Matt, have a little break," Ty advised.

Casey shook his head. "Let me keep going," he huffed determinedly, "Just let me walk." He took another laborious step, undeterred by Ty's hand in front of him. "Sitting down and standing up again is more tiring than just walking," he told Ty.

"All right, just a few more steps then," Ty said. As Casey began to move forwards, trying to balance his body in the way he had been taught, Ty continued to speak, "Try not to put so much weight on your hands, Matt. Use your legs a little more..." he encouraged.

"I'm trying…" Casey gritted out with a grimace. He attempted to move his right leg into a position where he could balance sufficiently to take his next step, but his leg didn't land where he intended and he almost lost his footing. "Damnit," he hissed in frustration, his pale face broke into a sweat.

Ty took most of his weight whilst he rebalanced himself. "Ok, Matt, I've got you."

"Let me just get to the end," Casey managed to say as he moved forward again, breathing heavily, his movements jerky and awkward. But slowly, step by painful step, he made it to the end of the parallel bars.

"Really good, Matt." Ty gave him a wide smile, strengthening his hold on the webbed belt. "Slowly you're going to turn round to face me, up for that?"

Casey nodded. "I can do it."

"I know you can." Ty was still smiling, impressed with Casey's determination. "Slowly does it," he encouraged, "I'm going to have hold of you just as a precaution, ok? Now, move your right hand over to the left bar… that's it, now your left leg… yeah, you've got it… right leg, that's it, well done, Matt… you all right?"

Casey just nodded, he was concentrating too hard to reply verbally.

"Ok, you're more than half way, just move  your left hand over… that's it, now your left leg… brilliant, Matt, really good, now..." Ty looked over at Severide who was still beaming, indicating him to place Casey's chair right behind him, which he willingly did. "Matt, just ease yourself back into the chair... there you go. How did all that feel?"

"Harder than I expected," Casey admitted truthfully. "Feel so unfit…"

"You're not unfit." Ty shook his head. "Learning how to walk again is hard work but look..." Ty indicated back down the length of the parallel bars, "Look how far you've walked, and that was your first try. You've done amazingly well."

"I used to run miles," Casey observed, comparing what he had just struggled to achieve with what he used to do without even thinking, disheartened by the thought.

"And you might be able to do that again at some point Matt. But it will be a long process," Ty replied, "Baby steps remember?"

Casey smiled wryly. "Yeah, baby steps. So, can I have another go then?"

Ty nodded. "Got half an hour left, we'll do it a few more times. By the end of the week I might just have you trying out a walker, give you some independence at home."

"A walker? Not crutches?" Casey's face dropped at the news. That was the last thing he wanted to have to use.

"You need the stability of the walker, just to start off with until you find your balance a little better," he explained. "Now, we going again?"

* * *

Severide wasn't quite sure what had pulled him from a deep sleep in the small hours of that night. He didn't need to go to the bathroom or to get a drink of water so he just turned over to check on Casey. His nightstand lamp was still on, as was Casey's regular habit now. Severide didn't question that, knowing it was what Casey needed right now. He was sharing the same bed and that was way more than he had expected at this stage so nothing else really mattered.

He could see that Casey was awake. "Matt?" he questioned tiredly. He cleared his throat, wiped the sleep from his eyes and pushed himself up on one elbow. "You ok?" he asked.

"Fine, go back to sleep," Casey said from his position propped up against the headboard, his voice so low that Severide could only just hear the words.

"Lie back down with me." He looked up at Casey's face. He was exhausted, he skin was pale and he had puffy, red-rimmed eyes, almost surrounded by dark circles. "Did you have a nightmare?"

"Just a dream," Casey commented as he shuffled back down. He lay on his back staring up at the pattern of light thrown onto the ceiling by the lamp.

"What happened in this dream?" Severide asked softly, fearing that he knew exactly what it was about. Since Casey's nightmare and flashback that had caused him to have a meltdown a few weeks ago the bad dreams and disturbed nights had grown more and more frequent, and to top it all, he was still telling Severide he was fine. There was no end to his stubborn streak.

"If I talk about it it'll be back in my head," Casey replied quietly, still staring up at the ceiling.

Severide smiled. "Or if you tell me it'll just vanish."

"You're full of crap sometimes." Casey turned his head to face Severide, who just smiled again and ran a hand through Casey's soft fair hair.

"Tell me what happened," Severide said again.

"I just… I just remember stuff…" he admitted wearily.

"Stuff?" Severide repeated, hoping Casey would say more.

"You know what I'm talking about," he said darkly.

"Nah, you're gonna have to be more specific," Severide insisted with a smile.

"Go back to sleep, Kelly."

"All right," Severide conceded defeat on that one but went on to add, "You should be really proud of yourself today. You're walking, Matt. Nothing will stop you now."

* * *

Casey was walking up and down the full length of the parallel bars in the physical therapy suite with only minimal assistance from Ty as the days moved on, and his assistance was only whilst fine tuning his turns, where he still struggled a little with his balance. Ty had finally brought in the walker Casey would be allowed to use, he was happy that he could now give Casey a bit more independence.

There was a disgruntled look on Casey's face as the metal frame was presented to him. "You couldn't get one with a basket?" he questioned with disdain. "Let me show you that I can use crutches," he insisted.

"You can't use crutches yet, Matt, we talked about this," Ty reminded him.

"You've not seen me, not given me a chance…"

"I don't want to see you fall flat on your face," Ty responded quickly. "The walker has more stability and support, which is what you need. It's not forever, just another step in your learning curve, ok?" He was calm but firm with Casey.

Casey looked down and shook his head realising that Ty was only doing his job, he should be more grateful. He looked back up with an apologetic expression. "I'm sorry…"

"It's fine, believe me, you're not the first person to object to having a walker," Ty replied.

"Because they're for the elderly?" he questioned, still disheartened.

Ty just smiled once more. "Most of the elderly walk better than you do."

Casey's face broke into a grin and he laughed. "That is probably very true."

"Probably?" Ty repeated. "It is definitely is true. C'mon let's give it a go and might even let you take it home with you."

* * *

A week went by with little event. Severide had left to go out for a run and had been gone for some time when the buzzer in his apartment rang. It took Casey an age to answer, he moved from the couch over to the door where he could see Boden on the small video camera. Casey let him upstairs, he waited by the door, his weight rested heavily on the walker, there was no point in going to sit back down since he knew it wouldn't take long for the elevator to bring Boden up to the apartment.

"Hello, Matt, good to see you," the Chief greeted with a smile, he stepped inside as Casey moved back away from the door with the walker.

"Come in, Chief," Casey began. The two men shared a smile.

"How are you doing… really? How is everything?" Boden's face had taken on a somewhat serious look.

"Good, Chief, thanks." Casey nodded and with a small shrug he added, "Everything considered."

"I'm glad, and if there is anything at all I..." Boden placed emphasis on the word 'anything.'

"Yeah, I know," he cut in quickly. "But I guess you haven't come here just for small talk, have you?"

"No..." Boden replied.

"You don't need me to write some sort of report about the call, do you?" he questioned. Casey was worried now but Boden just shook his head.

"No, you don't have to do unless you want to, what you can do is just sign my version of the events, it's all just for the record," Boden replied.

Casey's face paled at the thought of being obliged to read about the terrorist attack that had taken his right leg, that had almost taken his life. "Do I have to read it?" he asked quietly.

"That's up to you…"

"Does it affect the medical insurance or disability pay if something…"

"You were injured on the job. It wasn't at all your fault, all your medical expenses are being paid, you don't need to worry about money, Matt. You don't have any deductibles or anything, it's all covered, the CFD are making sure of that."

"I've not worried about money for a long time but now… I can't walk, even stand for very long without this walker and even then I…" He looked over to the wheelchair that was next to the couch with a heavy sigh. "I don't know if I'm going to be able to work again any time soon, at least not with my skills… given up on the notion of ever doing any construction again… maybe I could paint…" He shook his head. "Sorry, you didn't come for this."

"I'll see if there's any opportunities in HQ, you're a fantastic officer, Matt, the CFD could still use your…"

Casey just shook his head again. "For four hours every other day I'm at the hospital for dialysis, I have physio three, sometimes four, times a week. I couldn't do anything full time."

"You don't have to, and no one would think any less of you if you didn't go to work until things are a little more stabilised, or if you didn't go back at all."

"They would… I would. You know me, Chief, I need to do something, sitting around here is driving me crazy…" he trailed off and sighed heavily.

"I'm joining everyone at Molly's tonight, you should come, you're sorely missed," Boden tried to persuade Casey.

"So Kelly keeps telling me," he smiled, thankful for the change in conversation, he hadn't meant to go on about work, but those thoughts had been plaguing his mind for the last few days now that he'd really realised how hard it was going to be to just walk unaided on just a flat surface.

* * *

Severide and Casey were sitting in silence in the car that evening. They were parked outside Molly's, the sky outside was dark and the street lights illuminated what was left of the snow, it was grey, dirty and slushy now, but knowing their winters there may still more snow before spring came around. They'd been sat there in the car for almost half an hour when Casey suddenly made the decision. "Ok, if we sit here any longer my ass is gonna freeze so let's just do it."

"Do it? You mean, let everyone know about us?" Severide asked, eyes bright. He knew exactly what Casey had been talking about and it wasn't coming out to the entire population of Molly's bar tonight.

"Oh… I was just talkin' about me being an idiot and not wanting to go inside, but yeah, sure, let's tell everyone. It'll take focus off me... well kind of." He gave Severide a wry side smile.

"I'm fairly certain that everybody probably knows, well maybe just Mouch is in the dark." Severide laughed. "I'll go get the chair," he said as he squeezed Casey's hand comfortingly. He understood how worried Casey was about seeing everyone, but it was bound to happen eventually so it might as well be now rather than later in his opinion, they weren't going to think any less of him. It had been almost three months since Casey had been discharged from the hospital and he had tried to cut himself off from the outside world as much as he could so tonight felt like a major breakthrough to Severide.

As he turned to get out of the car Severide heard Casey say no very firmly, and a sideways glance revealed Casey was shaking his head.

"Matt, it's been a long day," Severide countered.

"You're always saying I need to practice with this more often." He looked down at his right leg, the loose jeans he wore hid the prosthetic. "I'll use the walker not the chair, not here. Don't worry I don't intend on falling flat on my face."

A short while later Severide was holding the door open as Casey walked into Molly's for the first time since he had been injured in the explosion and building collapse. He moved slowly and somewhat clumsily on the walker, he'd only been up and walking, although Casey wouldn't call it walking, for a little over a week now, each movement he took was precise, he was determined not to pick up any bad habits and possibly create any problems in the future, although Ty thought it was unlikely he wouldn't only use the walker to help with his residual limb, like many prosthetic users got into the habit of, since he needed the help with his left just as much.

Herrmann's voice called out as Severide closed the door. "Lieutenant Casey!"

All eyes turned towards the door. But there was no silence or stares. Instead there were loud happy greetings and smiles. Casey instantly felt at ease, even more so when Severide took a light hold of his arm and helped him to get over to one of the tables where some of his old truck crew were gathered. Cruz immediately stood up to let Casey have his seat. Mouch, Otis and Mills were still smiling, delighted to see their old lieutenant.

Once Casey had managed to sit down in the chair Cruz had vacated Severide took the walker from him and moved it so it wasn't in the way of anything, then he gave Casey a reassuring touch on the arm and walked over to the corner of the bar to grab a couple of spare chairs.

"What are you drinking, Lieutenant?" Cruz asked. Habit taking over when he addressed Casey.

Casey shook his head. "Thanks but I'm good." He smiled.

"You've been missed," Cruz said warmly.

"Well, I've not missed you guys," he answered with a teasing grin. Then as the conversation died there was an awkward silence with no one quite sure what they should say next. Casey stared around to find Severide. Normally he might have excused himself and gone over to help him carry the chairs, but being unable to he started to feel his heart beating faster and faster in his chest. The bar was growing busier and busier now and Casey's growing apprehension showed on his face.

"Are you all right, Lieutenant?" Mills asked with concern. He hadn't seen him since the hospital, as far as he was aware none of them had, and he was looking a little rough and frayed around the edges, something Mills had not really seen before.

Severide returned with the two chairs before Casey could reply and now Severide was back his heart no longer felt like it would burst through his chest. "Ok?" Severide questioned, he took Casey's hand, a motion that wasn't missed by the others at the table. Mouch just raised an inquisitive eyebrow, Otis smiled wickedly but in fun, and Cruz just seemed to think it was the most natural thing in the world.

Just at that moment Herrmann had approached their crowded table. "You two look good together," he smiled towards Severide and Casey. "How long?"

"Why?" Casey questioned, confidence renewed with Severide by his side. "You all got bets on it?"

"Maybe," Herrmann replied slowly, grinning. "On the house." He set down a beer on the table in front of Casey.

"I can't, but thank you," he said and then he saw that pitying look in Herrmann's eyes and he wanted to leave.

"Can get you something non-alcoholic or…"

"It's fine, not thirsty, but thanks," Casey shook his head. To say he wasn't thirsty was the easiest thing, far simpler than an explanation about why he didn't want to have a drink with them, and he didn't want to seem as if he was throwing Herrmann's hospitality back into his face. "And besides I gotta watch my intake now I can't go running..." Casey added as an explanation, smiling and putting a hand to his stomach. Although Severide knew it was quite clear to everyone that he'd lost some weight.

Herrmann smiled back at Casey and returned to the bar to serve some more customers who had come in. Otis piped up, "So, you're up and about now, Lieutenant?"

"Mostly." He nodded, wishing they would stop calling him lieutenant but he bit it back and remained silent, and he didn't miss Otis's gaze drift downwards as if he could see Casey's prosthesis through the table.

"You can get some pretty cool prosthetics nowadays can't you?" Otis questioned, travelling on somewhat thin ice now. Severide shot him a glare and Cruz thumped him under the table. Mouch and Mills said nothing, just watched as the conversation took place.

Casey felt like animal at the zoo but he just shrugged, trying to shake off the feeling. "Yeah, guess so."

"Does it hurt?" Otis blundered on with curiosity.

"Does… does what hurt?" he asked quietly, trying desperately to remained outwardly confident.

"Otis…" Cruz warned as Severide shot him another annoyed look that Otis didn't seem to notice.

"It's fine," Casey said suddenly, even though he wasn't fine with it at all. "It doesn't hurt," he explained with a brave face, "Nothing does, it's all healed up really well. The doctors did a good job."

Severide said nothing even though all he wanted to do was get Casey out of there but that would destroy the façade Casey had suddenly decided to make in front of his old crew. Severide should have expected that, he should have expected curious questions, he should have expected Casey to construct a wall so high that a plane couldn't even fly over it.

"Casey," a deep voice boomed. Chief Boden had arrived. He laid a hand on Casey's shoulder as a way of welcome, knowing the man would be unable to stand to greet his former chief as he would perhaps have done before the accident. "Glad you made it."

"It's great to see everyone." Casey plastered a fake smile on his face like it was a shield.

"Anyone like a drink?" Boden offered. They all shook their heads and Boden strode off to the bar and the conversations continued.

Severide took Casey's hand under the table and rubbed a small circle with his thumb, trying to get him to relax, to rid him of his anxiety. Casey gripped his hand so tightly he wouldn't have been surprised if it bruised but Severide soon felt Casey relax a little. Eventually the conversation steered away from Casey, but he could feel pitying looks boring into the back of his head, he could see people talking to each other than briefly glancing over to him with yet more pitying looks.

Seeing that Casey's discomfort was still very much present he decided it was time to leave. Casey had made the huge effort to come here, he'd done his bit now. "Shall we get out of here?" Severide said with a smile across his face. He stood up and fetched Casey's walker and placed it in front of him, and he saw a look of relief in his eyes. "I've got an early start," he said to excuse Casey because all he wanted to do was get him home.

Casey smiled around at the faces surrounding the table. "Great to see you all."

"Yeah great seeing you too, Lieutenant..." They smiled back and then went back to their conversations.

Casey readied himself to get up but he scarcely moved. "Kel…" Casey's quiet voice spoke into his ear so no one else could hear. "I can't move."

His heart sank and quietly he told Casey, "I'll go and get the…"

"Please not here…" Casey shook his head adamantly. "Let's just wait…"

"Matt…" he began, still almost whispering, knowing Casey didn't want to draw the slightest bit of attention to himself.

"Erm… just help me up off the chair… I'll be fine then…"

"You don't know that, look it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks, you're hurt, I'll go and get…"

"Just hold me, you're all I need." He looked pleadingly into Severide's eyes, he'd had enough pity for a lifetime, he just wanted to get out of there now and he didn't want to make a scene. "I'll be fine once I get off this damn chair."

"All right." Severide nodded. "C'mon then, let's do this."


	13. Boats and Flames

"You all right, Matt?" Severide questioned as he got into the car outside of Molly's bar, having just collapsed the walker and put it into the trunk next to Casey's wheelchair.

Casey nodded in response, there was a small smile on his face. "I'm fine now." He was relieved to be out of the bar, happy that he hadn't made any sort of a scene when his hips had seized up and Severide had helped him up and out of the chair so they could take their leave. He was watching Severide thoughtfully as he fastened his seatbelt and put the keys into the ignition. "I wonder if we can get hand controls for my truck, save you driving me everywhere," he said.

"I like driving you around." Severide smiled at him. "But if you're so desperate to have some independence then sure, we'll get something sorted."

"Though I don't really need a truck any more…" Casey thought out aloud. "Could get something smaller."

"You like your truck," he replied.

"I do," Casey agreed.

"And it's useful," he told Casey.

"Yeah, guess it is." Casey nodded.

Severide fired the ignition and pulled away from the sidewalk. "I was thinking of going down to the boatyard tomorrow whilst you're in the hospital," he told Casey as they headed towards home.

"Didn't think you had anything in?"

"It's just a personal project," Severide explained.

"You have a boat?" he questioned.

"Kind of…"

"Why didn't I know this?" he asked with a curious glint in his eyes.

"When you see it you'll realise it's not really a boat... don't know if it'll ever be sea worthy."

"Well," Casey said slowly, "Maybe I could come along tomorrow, after the hospital… if that's ok with you?"

"Course it is," Severide beamed. This had been the first time Casey had wanted to go anywhere accept for home.

That night they lay in bed together just enjoying closeness and intimacy they were starting to have again. Casey's head was resting on Severide's bare chest. Severide's arm was wrapped around Casey's shoulders, stroking his arm softly.

"Thanks for getting me out tonight," he told Severide, "It wasn't as bad as I imagined."

"Still bad though?"

"Yeah," he spoke into Severide's chest, "You saw how everyone was looking at me?"

"I did," Severide admitted slowly.

"So I'm not just paranoid then?" He grinned.

"No," Severide responded as he brought his hand up from Casey's arm to his hair. "You did well."

"I thought I was gonna throw up," he laughed, "I know everyone means well really, but I don't want to do that again. They all feel sorry for me. All pity me. I don't want that."

* * *

Severide peered around the side of the boat to check on Casey. He was sitting in his chair, gazing out over the lake. The sky was dark grey and overcast, a miserable backdrop to the city skyline but at least the temperature was warming a little after the long dark months of winter.

"Not bored are you?" he called over to Casey, who had been silent for the past hour, lost in his own thoughts.

Casey smiled but it didn't reach his eyes. He wheeled himself closer as he spoke. "Not bored at all, nice to be out of the apartment, and not be at the hospital."

"You can give me a hand if you want?"

"I'd just be in the way."

"You could never be in the way." Severide smiled.

"Really, I'm fine just watching," he insisted.

"Well I'm gonna need a hand soon so you can get up and help me, all right?" Severide wiped his hands on a scrap of rag and made his way over to the car.

"When did you become so demanding?" he grinned as he watched Severide take the walker out of the trunk and assemble the pieces, it was clicked into place in front of him.

Severide made to help Casey up and out of the chair. "Matt, your hands are ice cold!" he gasped as he touched Casey's skin. "Did you bring another jacket?"

"Just this one," Casey said as he glanced down at the light cargo jacket he wore.

"It might be spring but it's nowhere near warm enough for that… what were you thinking?" Severide frowned as Casey's seeming lack of common sense.

Casey was taken aback by Severide's tone, "Kelly…"

"Sorry… I don't know why I'm yelling… I just… I should have thought… erm… my leather jacket is probably warmer, you can put that on."

Soon Casey was wrapped up in a scarf that Severide had found in the trunk of his car, he was wearing the leather jacket, a grey CFD beanie hat and a pair of Severide's gloves that he kept in the car. Once Casey was on his feet by Severide's side, he was leaning on the walker and awaiting instructions, Severide got back to work on the boat. Casey was sure that Severide was fabricating things, making things up, saying he needed help when he would have managed perfectly well on his own. In fact Casey thought he was more of a hindrance than anything, purely because he was so slow. Severide had him fetching stuff from his tool bag and work shed and he wasn't quick on his feet now, and he couldn't carry much when he used the walker either. But he did admit that the fresh air was a welcome relief to the centrally heated artificial warmth in the apartment. Casey enjoyed the trip to the boatyard although when they returned home he then slept most of the afternoon and well into the evening, Severide only woke him to make sure he had something to eat and took his medications.

It was late at night and they were sitting on the couch together. Casey was now much more awake having slept since they'd return home. Severide was gently massaging Casey's residual limb. He was sore and his muscles were tight after physiotherapy that morning, and all the standing and moving around he had been doing whilst helping Severide at the boatyard. Once Severide had finished, he moved his hands upwards and slipped them gently between the waistband of his joggers and the soft skin of his hips. Casey's eyes narrowed and he let out a small moan of pleasure as Severide's hands loosened his tense muscles and relaxed him. Severide smiled, he loved those pleasurable sounds that escaped Casey's perfect lips.

Casey moved his right hand to Severide's groin, he began to massage him gently and expertly, knowing just what to do for maximum pleasure. Severide felt heat flood within him as his erection grew. His breaths hitched as the heat rose inside him. He had longed for this intimacy for so long but wasn't sure whether Casey had been ready for anything sexual yet. They'd only been sleeping in the same bad for a few weeks now and Casey still had moments where he just wanted to be alone. "Matt…" he began to protest with questioning eyes.

"Let me do something for you." Casey smiled up at him and whispered, "I want to."

Severide responded by leaning down over Casey gently, he didn't want to rest his body weight on him, he kissed him softly and let himself become swept away by it all.

* * *

A few days went by, Casey was sitting at the dining table finishing off his lunch, he'd not long been back from his dialysis appointment, and although he now had hand controls in his truck Severide much preferred to drive him and to and from dialysis in case he felt unwell afterwards. Severide had finished his lunch and was sitting by the couch tinkering with something. Casey heard him curse briefly and he turned his head to try and see what he was up to, but he couldn't see what Severide was doing from where he was sitting.  
  
"What're you doing?" he asked between mouthfuls.

"Just a bit of customisation," Severide supplied.

Casey frowned at that, abandoned the rest of his lunch and wheeled himself over to where Severide was sitting on the floor with the walker in front of him. Casey still wasn't certain what he was doing. "You better not be putting a bell on it… or tassels or something…"

"No tassels, no bell, I promise," Severide smiled up at him. "Close your eyes, or just turn around for a few minutes."

"Kelly…" Casey was about to start protesting.

"Just do it. Trust me." He grinned, knowing Casey would probably struggle with that one.

Casey just rolled his eyes and turned his chair away. After his dialysis sessions it was proving much safer for him to use his chair as the treatment was causing him to suffer dizzy spells. The doctor had been right all those weeks back when he had told Casey that walking, even with the walker, would be exhausting for him. Everyone had pinned that down to his anaemia now rather than any lack of fitness. At times he found it quite painful using the walker and it made Casey wonder if he would ever be capable of getting around on crutches, let alone walk unaided.

After a few moments Severide spoke up, "Ok, you can turn round now."

"You haven't?" Casey questioned with shock as he saw the legs of his walker.

"You like it?" he grinned at Casey as he got to his feet.

"I erm…" Casey was still dumbstruck but there was a bemused smile across his face.

"You are now officially the coolest walker user ever," Severide told him as they both looked at the brightly coloured flame decals on Casey's walker.

"Thanks…" he replied with a hint of disbelief.

"Thought we could hit the town with it later, bring a few people home, wake up in some compromising positions with very little memory of the night before," Severide smiled eagerly.

"Oh yeah? Like old times, huh?" Casey laughed, "My body's totally up for that." Even though he was laughing a hint of sarcasm peppered his words.

Severide leaned over and touched his lips to Casey's unshaven cheek. "I love you, Matt Casey," he said softly as he stroked Casey's hair.

"I love you too…" Casey replied cautiously, wondering why this sudden admission was forthcoming.

"Just feel like I've not said it for a while, that's all," Severide explained with a smile, sensing Casey's thoughts.

"You know if you wanna go out tonight, you can," he began, "If you wanna bring someone home, or go home with someone, feel free to."

"What the hell..." Severide retorted, but Casey just ploughed on.

"If you want some sort of one night stand then go ahead." He shrugged.

"... are you talking about?" Severide finished his sentence.

"Don't act so dumb, Kelly," Casey replied. "I'm obviously not up for anything… and you have needs…"

"Matt…" he started to protest, shaking his head.

Casey laughed. "You can't tell me that you, Kelly Severide, serial womaniser, don't want to go out and get laid?"

"What the hell's gotten into you?" his annoyance showed.

"I'm literally giving you a free pass to go out and have sex with anyone you want," Casey explained with spite in his tone.

"You have some serious issues if you think I'm just gonna leave you and have sex with some stranger! What are you doing? Testing me? I don't want it!"

"Oh here we go! Talking about my issues again! What about yours?!" Casey snapped angrily, his temper was flaring.

"Matt, stop, listen to what you're saying…"

"You listen to what I'm saying!"

Severide sighed and was silent for a few moments before he spoke again, much more calmly this time. "Want me to go out? Fine, I will, but I'm not going to sleep with anyone but you. If you want the apartment to yourself, want to be on your own, then say so, don't start a yelling match with me. I don't need it."

Casey visibly paled as he realised just what had taken place. "Sorry…" he muttered, his face was a mask of guilt.

"Yeah you should be." Severide nodded at Casey, pissed off at his behaviour, but at the same time, feeling heartbroken for him. "I get that all of this is so hard for you, all this change in our lives and…"

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have yelled, I don't know why I did, I don't know why I said what I did… I don't know… I guess I'm…" Casey's head fell forwards and he covered his face with his hands.

Severide sat on the couch so he was level with Casey. "Talk to me, baby," he pleaded.

Casey ran his hands across his face and eyes. He looked sadly at Severide. "I'm just feeling a bit, a lot, inadequate right now and I'm just taking it out on you…"

"Taking it out on me 'cause deep down you know you can, you know that I will never ever leave you, whatever you say or do to me. Maybe I should be impressed by all this, grateful even."

"That doesn't make any sense."

"You know you can yell at me all you want and I won't leave you, because you're comfortable with me, because despite what you think sometimes really you do know I won't ever leave."

"Maybe you should leave me…" Casey almost whispered.

"Can't, this is my apartment," Severide pointed out, half laughing. He held out a hand to Casey. "Just stop, ok? You're playing the same record over and over again. Stop. You just need to accept that I actually do care about you."

Casey took the hand extended before him, "I'm sorry…"

"I don't want you to apologise, Matt… can you just answer one question for me? Do you think I've cheated on you? Do you think I'd ever do that?"

Casey looked away and let go of Severide's hand. "Wouldn't be the first time…"

"Why do you think so little of yourself?" He shook his head, trying to look directly into Casey's eyes, but Casey was skilfully avoiding looking back at him. "I don't mean now but always, you've always thought so little yourself."

"You're always telling me I have issues." Casey shrugged. "Suppose that's just one of them."

"I've never cheated on you, Matt, and I never would... Someone's cheated on you before?"

"I've had a whole string of crappy relationships, relationships that I thought were going well but apparently weren't."

"This isn't one of them," Severide tried to reassure him. "I know what people think of me and it was true, but then we grew into way more than just friends and I've not thought of anyone else since then."

"Why don't I believe you?" he questioned quietly, distress evident in his tone.

"Because you don't trust anyone, ever, but that's ok, that's who you are." A gentle smile crossed Severide's face. "And I love you for who you are."

"I love you for who you are too… I didn't mean to accuse you of anything."

Severide smiled and placed a hand on Casey's thigh. "Tomorrow let's take this new customised walker for an outing, yeah? We'll go to the lake, go for a walk, get a hot dog, have an ice cream, we'll make a day of it. We can pretend to be tourists."

"Ice cream? It's March." He laughed.

"Well, we'll be living life on the edge, won't we?" Severide teased. His heart was glad that Casey had opened up to him even if it was only a little, it was still something.

* * *

They had been walking by the lake for less than fifteen minutes when Severide noticed the look in Casey's eyes, and he placed a hand on Casey's arm, halting him from his slow walk. "Matt?" he said, peering into Casey's troubled face, "What's wrong? You should have said something if you were in pain?"

"Not in pain," he replied with a slight shake of his head. "No more than usual."

"Then what's wrong?" Severide encouraged.

"Just…" he began as he looked over at the lake, "Do you remember the last time we were here?"

"We've been here a lot, Matt," Severide pointed out.

"It was a few days before the…" he trailed off. "We were running, I sprinted back to the car, you didn't catch up with me." He looked away from Severide's intent gaze, clearing his throat. "And now here I am struggling along with this because I can barely stand without it… and I don't think I'm ever going to… don't think it matters that they took my leg, my pelvis is fucked and it hurts all the time… it makes my back hurt… it makes everything hurt…" he admitted with a sigh.

"Does Ty know this?"

"No." He shook his head. "Maybe he suspects it, I don't know."

"Why haven't you told him?"

"Because I'm stubborn." He shrugged. "That's what you always say."

"No, that's not why." Severide shook his head. "You're worried that this is it, that it's as far as you'll get and you don't want him to know in case it is, in case there's nothing more he can do to help you. But, Matt, maybe if he knows, he can actually help, you just have to tell him the truth, you have to open up to him."

"Well, there's the problem…" he sighed. "Can we just forget about this conversation please?"

"Can we just forget that you told me that you're in pain all the time?"

"Please, Kelly, I feel weak enough as it is, I don't want admit this to anyone… I didn't even want to tell you…"

Severide positioned himself straight in front of Casey, placing a hand on each arm. Casey avoided his eyes as he spoke. "Listen to me, Matt, you are anything but weak, physically your upper body has never been so strong, your leg is improving all the time, and mentally, well, you're the strongest person I've ever known. But that doesn't mean you don't need some help from time to time. Everyone does."

* * *

"That was good," Casey said as he and Severide walked slowly side by side out of the movie theatre. Casey was happy that he'd managed to get in and out of his aisle seat easily enough. He was happy he'd been able to get out of the apartment for the second time that week, other than to the hospital. He was happy that he hadn't been the object of people's stares, arriving as they had after the trailers and adverts had started so the theatre had been in relative darkness. Everything had gone well and he had also enjoyed the movie that Severide had chosen.

"Told ya it was a good idea to go out tonight." Severide smiled sideways at him. "Am I going to be asking too much if I suggest dinner? There's a nice place round the corner."

"Yeah, but only because this has exhausted me."

Severide nodded, understanding where Casey was coming from. Not only was he finding things hard physically, the anaemia he was suffering from only made him more fatigued than ever. "Let's get you home then," he smiled.

Casey's elation was short lived when he woke in the early hours of the morning grasping at his legs and screaming for help. He had been muttering in his sleep and had begun to call out, asking if anyone could hear him, waking Severide up immediately.

Severide's heart broke as he tried to reassure Casey, as he listened to his panicked tones, shouting and screaming. He tried to comfort Casey in a soft voice as he stroked his head, hoping he would hear him in darkness his mind was trapped in. Severide was helpless, unable to do much until Casey finally became conscious and realised where he was. It was some of the longest few minutes of Severide's life, he was just glad he didn't seem to be in any real physical pain this time.

"Kel…" Casey's voice cracked as he turned over to face Severide, the light from the lamp clearly showed the tear tracks on his face. "Kel…" he repeated, blinking away tears from his eyes.

"I'm here. You're all right, everything's all right, you're safe." Severide pulled Casey into a light embrace now he was no longer struggling against the demons in his head. "You're all right," he soothed.

"I'm sorry…"

"Shh… it's all right, it's all right, I've got you, you're safe. You're safe," Severide reassured him. Casey soon started to relax and sink back into a more settled sleep with his head against Severide's chest, and he stayed resting peacefully that way for the rest of the night.  
  


* * *

 

The following morning Casey acted as though nothing had happened, and although he may well have forgotten how he had woken up struggling and crying in his sleep, Severide was fairly certain that he was just bluffing because it was the easiest course of action, since it meant he didn't have to talk about any of it, didn't have to admit what was going on inside his head. But Severide wasn't going to continue letting Casey to get away with that, eventually he would have to face up to it and stop pretending everything was fine.

Severide had popped out briefly to pick up some fresh milk after discovering none in the fridge when they eventually got out of bed that morning. He closed the door behind himself and set the keys down on the side table and watched for a moment as Casey took a step, then another unaided. "Matt, should you being doing that?" he questioned. Severide knew Casey shouldn't be. He was pushing himself too hard, even Ty had told him, but being Casey he couldn't stop himself.

"I'm fine," he said confidently but as Casey spoke he turned to face Severide and his right trainer caught on the edge of the rug that covered most of the lounge area and his precarious balance was destroyed. He put his hands out but there was nothing around him to stop his downwards motion and there was nothing to break his fall. He hit the floor with a cry.

"Shit…" Severide cursed, dropped the milk carton onto the side table and rushed over to where Casey was. He leant over him and held out his hands to help him up.

"I'm ok," Casey insisted, pushing Severide's arm away. "I'm fine."

Severide then sat himself down on the floor in front of Casey. "What are you even doing? What the hell were you thinking?" He stared over at Casey's walker standing a few feet away from where they both were. "You have that for a reason. You need it."

"You saw me," Casey stated, still in a heap on the floor, unable to re-orientate himself just yet. He hadn't even attempted to move for fear of hurting his left leg. It was painful as it was and he didn't want to make it worse by twisting it trying to get up until he had worked out exactly how he was going to do it. "I was fine without it," he insisted.

"Until you fell," Severide pointed out.

"I shouldn't have turned so quickly," Casey answered quietly, a slight frown on his face, "Didn't think about the rug."

"I'll take it up once you're sorted out, don't want to risk that happening again," he spoke gently. "Can you move?"

"Not sure," Casey told him honestly.

Severide got to his feet and managed to help Casey up and slowly helped him over to the couch where he got him comfortably seated. "Need some painkillers?" he asked.

Casey shook his head. "You don't need to load me full of drugs just because I tripped. I'm fine. Just bruised my pride."

Severide sat down next to him. "Probably doesn't help that you're so tired… Wanna talk about last night?" he broached the subject very carefully, knowing how unstable Casey's moods could be.

A predictable answer left Casey's lips. "Nothing to talk about."


	14. Complications

Weeks passed by and Casey's rehabilitation had hit a brick wall, he'd progressed to crutches but he had not progressed past them, and the fact that he still ended up using the wheelchair at least half the time was made him feel more than disappointed. His left leg was bothering him more than it should and his pelvis, although healed according to his three month check-up x-ray, was seizing up on him up to twice a week. He still wore the brace on his left leg and now wore a support wrap around his pelvis. He was also still experiencing phantom pain. His nightmares had also become more frequent, something that Severide was becoming increasingly worried about. Dialysis was still an exhausting experience, and blood tests showed that he was still anaemic even though he was now taking iron supplements among his blood pressure medications, antibiotics and the occasional painkillers. He didn't like to take painkillers, he didn't want to mask what his body felt, and he didn't quite trust himself with them.

"Hawaii," Casey announced rather randomly from Severide's viewpoint. They were sitting at the dining room table together having just finished lunch.

"Hawaii?" Severide repeated questioningly

"I always wanted to go there when I was a kid," Casey replied. "So, I was thinking maybe that's where we should go on that vacation you were talking about a while back… unless you want to go somewhere else?"

"Hawaii sounds good," he nodded. "It sounds perfect. When are you thinking? I have plenty of furlough worked up."

"I don't know…" Casey shrugged. "I want to be walking. Maybe a goal like that will help."

"You are walking." Severide smiled.

"Without crutches, without you following me around with that damn wheelchair." He laughed but it was tinged with bitterness. "It is going to happen, isn't it? I'm going to start going entire days without needing them, aren't I?"

"I can't say, can I?" Severide didn't want to upset him, but he also didn't want to give him an answer because the truth was they still didn't know if Casey was going to get his wish.

"Maybe when I'm walking properly he nightmares will stop too, maybe I'll sleep through the night, you'd appreciate it if I wasn't waking you up all the time." He forced a smile. "Thing's will be better once I'm walking, once things are a little more normal."

"Well, maybe, erm…" Severide hesitated. He hated how much hope Casey rested on walking, how he thought everything would be better if he was up and about. He'd been wanting to bring this topic up for some time now but he knew he had to tread carefully. "Maybe you should talk to someone…"

"Talking to a shrink isn't going to help," he responded.

"You don't know that," Severide replied softly. "Matt, you have recurring nightmares about the accident, you have flashbacks during the day, you can't sleep in the dark… maybe it's time you got some help. You're getting help physically, so why not mentally?"

"I'm not crazy," Casey scoffed.

"Not saying that you're crazy. Far from it," he replied. "What I am saying is…"

"Is what?" Casey tried to hurry him along.

Severide took the bull by the horns. "PTSD wouldn't be uncommon after what you went through," he told Casey.

"I don't have PTSD," Casey's voice was something approaching a sneer in reaction to Severide's suggestion. "And I really don't need to talk to a shrink, I just need to…"

"Just need to what, Matt?" he questioned. "I can't help you, not like you need. I can comfort you and help you fall back to sleep, I can remind you where you are, but I can't give you the help you really need."

"Please can we just not talk about it, not now," Casey tried.

"Matt, I can't pretend this isn't happening to you, I can't ignore what you're going through," he replied, searching Casey's eyes.

"Please can we just do something normal, I'm sick of all of this, please, let's just pretend things are like they used to be," Casey suggested suddenly.

Severide got as far as opening his mouth to protest but thought better of it at the last moment. He knew there was no point pushing Casey when he was in stubborn mule mode. He knew he needed more time to work things out in his head and no matter how hard Severide pushed him, Casey would never give in until he was ready to acknowledge what was happening to him no matter how much Severide wanted to jump in and help him. "All right," he finally responded.

Casey's smile was beyond infectious at that moment. "Let's get a take-away. Chinese or maybe pizza… do we have beer in?"

Severide shot him a dubious look. "Matt…"

"I can have at least one, hardly drank anything today," he countered. "Beer and a take-away sounds really good, doesn't it?" He was still smiling. That smile Severide found impossible to say no to.

"It does," Severide nodded in agreement. "I'll go find the menus."

A while later they were sitting on the couch with open pizza boxes and bottles of beer on the coffee table in front of them. "You can finish it, don't think I can have another mouthful," Casey said as he sat back. "I'm so full," he groaned. "That was great though," he smiled, "Beer and pizza never tasted so good."  
  


* * *

Once they were lying in bed together Severide was fast asleep almost as soon as his head hit the pillow, but Casey lay awake for quite some time, unable to get into a comfortable position. His stomach felt tight and sore. He tossed and turned until he finally drifted into a restless sleep only to wake in pain some time later in the night.

His hand was clamped across his stomach as he tried to rouse Severide who was sleeping peacefully next to him. "Kel… Kel…" he breathed through gritted teeth, grabbing Severide's arm with his free hand. "Something's not right…"

"Matt?" Severide questioned blearily as he woke. "What's wrong?"

"My stomach…"

"You feel sick?" He was fully awake and alert now he could see Casey's pained features. "Matty, tell me what's wrong…"

"It hurts…" Casey's voice shook, his jaw clenched.

Severide's heart was pounding as he sat up. "Let me see," he pried away Casey's arm and pulled up his sweat drenched shirt, his usually flat and taut belly was distended and he was clearly in pain. "Oh God… baby, can you move? We need to get to the hospital…" Severide let Casey's t-shirt go and got out of bed. Quickly he reached for his own clothes and slipped them on.

"What's wrong with me?" Casey groaned, eyes almost shut, as Severide dressed.

"I… I'm not sure but we need to go… now." Severide shoved his feet into his trainers and tied the laces quickly. He helped Casey up off the bed and into the wheelchair, he didn't bother helping him dress, instead he pulled a blanket around him.

Casey was doubled up in pain as Severide pushed him out of the apartment and to the elevator doors. By the time the elevator pinged open Severide was hissing with frustration, the journey down to the lobby seemed to have taken forever. He rushed to his car and helped Casey carefully into the passenger seat, he hastily folded the wheelchair and soon the car screeched out into the street, Severide drove as fast as he dared. The ride to the hospital seemed to take far too long even though there was little traffic, and he made it there in less than twenty minutes.

Severide scooped Casey out of the passenger seat of his car, he didn't bother pulling the wheelchair out of the trunk and re-assembling it instead he carried Casey through the ER doors. He was probably going to get a parking ticket for leaving the car where he had but that thought never entered his mind.

During the journey Casey had started struggling to breathe but he was still insistent that Severide didn't make a big scene, that it wasn't an emergency. Severide paid no attention to what Casey had said. "I need help here!" Severide shouted loudly above the noise in the ER as he entered through the swinging doors. A gurney was rushed over to them and he lay Casey gently down. "He can't catch his breath, his abdomen is swollen…" he began to relay the information urgently to the medical team as they walked quickly along with the gurney.

"Kel… I'm ok…" Casey said as he was raced over to one of the free bays. "Don't need… all this…"

"You were in agony a few moments ago," Severide responded as he looked down at his pale sweating face. "Let them help you."  
  
Casey closed his eyes in defeat as they wheeled the gurney into the bay and pulled the curtains round him.

"Medical history?" one of the medical team around them asked.

"He has no kidney function, he's on dialysis..." he fished inside his pocket for the piece of paper he'd grabbed as they left the apartment. "Here's all the meds he's on." Then he quickly added, "He has no spleen."

"Has this ever happened before?" someone asked.

"No…" Casey managed to wheeze breathlessly, keeping his eyes closed.

Severide stood out of the way as they cut away Casey's sweat soaked t-shirt and they started to examine him. A nurse placed a nasal cannula tube around Casey's head, threading it behind his ears and securing it around his face so he could receive a steady flow of oxygen. He was helped into a hospital gown, ECG pads were swiftly connected to his chest so they could monitor his heart rate, a blood pressure cuff was wrapped around his arm and a pulse-oximeter clipped to his finger.

Soon the doctor put down the ultrasound handset and wiped the conductive gel from Casey's distended belly. He stood up straighter and spoke, "Ok, Matt, you've got fluid in your abdomen, it's pressing on your diaphragm which is why you're struggling to breathe, I'm going to get interventional radiology down, they'll drain it and you'll feel much better."

"He's going to be fine?" Severide asked the doctor as he walked up to Casey and took his hand

"Yes," the man nodded. "We'll get someone from renal down here too."

Casey let out another involuntary groan and Severide's grip on his hand tightened. "How long is he going to have to wait?" Severide asked because no one seemed to be rushing to help him anymore and only the doctor remained by Casey's side. The rest of the team had left to see more patients.

"Radiology's on the way down now, just sit tight," the doctor gave a quick nod and left them.

"Get you all sorted and fixed up soon." Severide leant over Casey and ran a hand through his soft dishevelled blond hair. "You're all right, you're gonna be fine."

"I know…" He smiled up at him, eyes barely open, only a speck of aquamarine visible. "Kelly?"

Severide's dark brows knitted together. "Yeah?"

"Are you… ok?" his voice was a hoarse whisper.

Although he probably shouldn't have been, Severide was surprised at Casey's question. "What?"

"You seem to be… panicking… a little," he told him.

"I'm not panicking," Severide denied.

Casey opened his eyes and spoke slowly and quietly, "I'm gonna… be fine, don't worry… Why don't you go… get a coffee… or something?"

"You're not getting rid of me that easily." Severide smiled down at him.

"You're hurting… my hand…"

"Oh God. Sorry…" Severide quickly relaxed his grip on Casey's right hand. "Maybe I am panicking a little…"

"I love… you." He looked blearily up at Severide. Another hiss of pain escaped his lips. "This is… not nice…"

He moved his head, trying to lift it to look down his body, but Severide put a gentle hand on his forehead and held him so he couldn't see himself. "Don't baby. Just look at me," Severide whispered softly, holding onto Casey's hand, trying to distract him, to pull his attention away from what was happening.

"What? Why? It's… bad..?"

"You just… you don't need to see, just look at me." He looked down at him. "How are you doing pain-wise? They've not given you anything…"

"Just hurts… to breathe… talk… move…" Casey smiled through his obvious discomfort.

"Well quit talking and stop trying to move then." He grinned back, wanting to lighten things a little.

Soon the curtain was pull back and a woman with a friendly face appeared. "Matt Casey?"

"Yeah," Severide replied for him.

"Hi, I'm Doctor Lewis, the radiologist," the woman introduced herself as she walked to Casey's bedside. "Afraid I'll have to examine you again, Matt, I'll make it as painless as possible, then we can get this sorted out for you, ok?"

Casey's second examination didn't take long, she was quick about it knowing the pain that Casey was in. She put down the ultrasound having decided where the best place to perform the procedure would be. She wanted to save wasting the time and effort that would be needed if they were to take Casey up to radiology so she could just do the procedure down here as quickly as possible for him.

"Nothing too… serious… right?" he spoke word for word as he struggled to catch his breath.

"Fluid retention is a common complication from living on dialysis, this fluid build-up can happen in your peritoneal cavity because you can't get rid of it like we can. I'm going to do a simple procedure to drain the fluid, we'll take a sample to check for any bacteria…"

"Bacteria?" Severide repeated worriedly.

"You have no fever or any other signs of illness, Matt," she smiled reassuringly at the two men as she started to set up the paracentesis kit. "Have you kept to a controlled diet, low sodium and potassium, restricted fluids, no alcohol?" she continued.

"Yeah... mostly... more or less..." Casey admitted as she swabbed the side of his abdomen with iodine and placed a sterile sheet over the area.

"Mostly?" she quizzed, her eyebrows raised in some disapproval as she swabbed the small exposed area again.

Suddenly it dawned on Severide. "We had take-out last night and some beers..." he came clean, his voice quiet as he looked at Casey who just turned his head away. He realised that Casey had just wanted to do something he would enjoy for once, something normal, but that he must have known it was no good for him and that he shouldn't have had it. Severide kicked himself mentally because he should have stopped Casey, he knew the alcohol would've dehydrated him and he'd most likely gone way over his fluid allowance, and on top of that there would have been a massive quantity of salt in the food they had eaten. His thoughts ate away at him as he watched the doctor.

"All right, Matt, you'll feel a bit of a sting now. I'm just injecting the area with Lidocaine," she explained to Casey as she angled the needle. He scrunched his eyes shut as she inserted it into his flesh and began to inject the anaesthesia fluid subcutaneously, moving the needle to ensure a good result. "Once the area's numbed I'll insert another…"

"Sorry…" Casey interrupted her suddenly, "Don't… think… I want… to know…"

"That's fine," she responded and smiled. "Just tell me to shut up if I say too much, won't you?"

Casey kept his eyes closed as she continued with the procedure. Severide found himself needing to look away, instead he focused on Casey's face, rubbing a thumb in circles on the palm of Casey's hand.

"There we go Matt," she said with a smile some time later. "The catheter's in place and a sample's been taken for testing. It won't take too long to drain the fluid. Let me know if you feel lightheaded or anything."

"I feel lightheaded a lot of the time." He cracked a smile as he opened his eyes.

"Happened recently?" the doctor asked kindly, looking down at his lower half, since he was dressed in a hospital gown the fresh scars on his left leg were visible.

"Few months back," Casey replied, already feeling much more comfortable now the fluid was draining.

"Mind if I ask…"

"I'm a… I was a firefighter," he replied, "The terrorist attack back in December?"

She nodded. "I remember, you all did an amazing job that day, there were no fatalities, right?"

"Right," he nodded. "Well, the building collapsed on me after the second bomb… just a bad day in the office I guess," he smiled self-deprecatingly.

"That's when your kidneys were damaged?" she questioned.

"Yeah," he nodded. He let out a small laugh. "A very bad day in the office."

"You seem to be doing well under the circumstances." She smiled as she checked the fluid was still draining correctly.

He gave a small shrug, "That's what everyone says."

Severide remained sitting silently by Casey's side as the conversation took place. He felt oddly proud of Casey for opening up to the doctor. He'd never volunteered any information about the explosion to anyone, let alone explained what had happened to him but he just had, without seeming at all concerned and without trying to change the topic.

It wasn't long before the doctor was changing the drainage bottle. The first one was full of the yellowish fluid from Casey's abdomen. "Not much longer now, Matt, are you feeling any more comfortable?" she asked.

"Yeah, much better already," Casey replied honestly.

Severide felt relived and he smiled at the doctor before casting his eyes back down to Casey. "That's good to hear, baby."

In all the doctor drained off three litres of excess fluid from Casey's abdomen. Once it had stopped running into the last bottle she removed the catheter and covered the needle site with a small band-aid.

"You doing all right, Matt?" Severide asked because Casey had been silent since the first litre of fluid had drained.

His eyes were only half open now but he nodded. "Tired."

"We need to keep you here for observation for an hour but renal will be seeing you soon, Matt. They'll set you up for dialysis down here so you won't have to move to another department. Once that's done you'll be able to return home," Doctor Lewis explained, "Keep that needle site covered with a band aid for forty-eight hours. There may be a small amount of clear drainage but if you're worried about anything you can call your doctor."

"Uh huh…" Casey muttered, half asleep.

"He allowed to sleep whilst we wait?" Severide asked, quite sure he wouldn't be able to keep Casey awake anyway. He was struggling to keep his own eyes open now, not surprising since it was 6am and they'd both been up most of the night.

The doctor just nodded and left them shut behind the privacy curtains. Casey was asleep before they closed.

* * *

Severide carried Casey into bed when they finally returned home, since the t-shirt he'd been wearing had been cut off Severide had given him his hoody for the journey back, he pulled it off him and puffed up the pillows behind him. He smiled at Casey's dishevelled hair and half-asleep expression. "Still feeling ok?" he asked, hovering over Casey still as he shifted himself into a comfy position.

"Feel so much better…" Casey replied quietly.

"Good." He beamed, happy now he knew Casey was still no longer in pain. He began to tuck him tightly under the cover, pushing it into all the nooks and crannies of his form. "Just gonna wrap you up like a little burrito. You want a heat pad or anything?"

"I'm good… just tired." A small frown appeared on the part of Casey's face that Severide had left poking out of the bed covers. "Are you coming back to bed?"

"It's almost noon," Severide shook his head, "Don't want to mess up my sleeping pattern, I'll grab a book and lay next to you?"

"I'm sorry."

Severide smiled. "Why are you apologising now?

"Because of last night…" he paused for a few seconds, gathering his thoughts a little, "Because I knew…"

"You knew you'd end up in the ER?" Severide raised an eyebrow with disbelief. "Can you see into the future now?" His attempt at humour wasn't wasted on Casey and he grinned briefly.

"No, but I should have had more sense… I knew it wasn't good for me. I didn't think I'd end up in the ER though. I didn't think..."

"Go on..." Severide encouraged as he sat on the edge of the bed. He waited patiently to see if Casey continued or if he was going to do his usual trick of clamming up and shutting off.

"Didn't think it would... do that..." he sighed, "I can't drink, can't have junk food, can't run, can't work, can't... can't have sex and sometimes I can't even stand up and I'm just... just exhausted all the time."

For Casey to say that was a remarkable thing. He had opened up to Severide in a way that he rarely did and Severide wanted to try and keep things that way. "Four months ago you couldn't even sit up, you couldn't walk, couldn't use the bathroom," Severide listed, "You can do all of that now."

* * *

"Ty can we call it a day?" Casey said as he got to the bottom of the inclined slope and sat down. His left leg was starting to hurt, and his knee had felt week all day, and the prosthetic was rubbing mercilessly on his right thigh, they'd had to change the liner to one that was thicker during this last week because the residual limb kept changing shape as it healed. Casey being his usual self hadn't mentioned how it still rubbed him now they'd made some changes.

"In the four months I've known you you've never wanted to end a session early. Do you feel unwell?" Ty asked as he approached Casey.

He shook his head slowly. "Just not in the mood."

"Because you're struggling today? Not like you to give up."

"Guess I'm just tired, dunno, but my body isn't cooperating today…"

"Kelly called me, told me about the trip to the ER the other night, he wanted me to take it easy with you today," Ty told him.

"I figured he would," Casey smiled a little, "He worries a lot. Still a strange concept for me."

"What is? Someone worrying about you?"

"Yeah." He shrugged, shaking his head slightly. "Let's keep going, otherwise I'll never be walking up and down steps…" Casey nodded at the small set of three stairs that stood a few feet away. He desperately wanted to be able to negotiate them but it seemed a far off achievement right now, walking up and down an incline without use of the parallel bars was only just becoming successful.

"We can continue at the end of the week, you said it yourself; your body's not cooperating today. Let's not push it, we don't want any injuries. But it's ok, you're allowed to have shitty days, Matt."

"Seem to have a lot of them," he scoffed, looking sideways at Ty.

"You do realise that everything has been working against you, yeah?"

"What do you mean?" he frowned.

"This has to be one of the most complicated rehab situations I've ever dealt with." When Casey remained silent Ty continued, "You were late starting because of the extent of your injuries, most people wouldn't be learning to walk with a prosthetic after breaking their other leg and pelvis. And your bones weren't just broken, Matt. Your left leg was reconstructed. Your pelvis was shattered in not one but two places. You lost your spleen, damaged your kidneys, broke some ribs. You have all these complications to deal with, you're anaemic, you have dizzy spells. You're bound to a dialysis machine for seemingly endless hours. All things considered you've done amazingly well to get where you are."

"Well, suppose when you say it like that…" Casey let out a small humourless laugh.

"You are still doing remarkably well, Matt. You are allowed to have shitty days."


	15. Summer

It was the middle of the afternoon when Severide arrived back to the apartment, he'd met up with Shay for some lunch and then stopped by at a local store for some fresh ingredients so he could make something for dinner that he knew Casey would like, as well as be able to eat on his restricted diet. Since ending up in the ER a week ago they'd both become a little less relaxed about what he was consuming.

He had his hands full with a couple of brown bags as he walked through the door, he used his side to close it. "Hey, I got us a couple of steaks from…" The sight of Casey stopped him in his tracks. He was sitting at the dining table with a sheen of sweat over his skin, his damp t-shirt clung to his torso. "Are you ok? You've not showered?" he asked as he dumped the bags down on the table and went over to where Casey was sitting.

"I can't get up..." Casey admitted with a touch of chagrin in his voice.

"You overdid it?" he questioned, glancing over to their home gym equipment.

Casey just nodded.

"Ok, well, I'll go run you a bath." He squeezed Casey's shoulder gently just before he turned away and headed for the bathroom.

It wasn't long before Severide was helping Casey into the bathtub. The bathroom was full of the almost overpowering muscle soak that Severide had poured copiously into the water. Casey sank into the warmth of the full tub with a satisfied sigh that brought a smile to Severide's face.

"You gonna join me?" Casey asked, his eyes glittered in the light as he looked up at Severide who was still stood by the side of the tub.

"Yeah?" he responded, surprised. He hadn't been expecting that, in fact he had been just about to leave Casey alone in the tub to soak.

"Yeah," Casey whispered gently. He really needed some closeness and intimacy. He still wasn't entirely comfortable with his own body yet but since the milky water and bubbles covered his legs and a good amount of his torso he felt good in that moment.

Severide quickly undressed, depositing his clothes on the bathroom floor and he grinned as he slipped into the tub. They sat there facing each other with their legs touching. After a while Severide spoke. "Loosening up?" He rung the wash cloth again and gently rubbed Casey's pale skin.

"Uh huh," Casey replied, content in the moment as Severide dragged the wash cloth over his back. He glanced around to find another cloth so he could return Severide's touch. They washed each other in the warmth of the tub and enjoyed a few quiet moments of relaxation before the water temperature began to drop and the bubbles began to dissolve.

* * *

A few days later Severide stepped inside the apartment, peeled off his sweat soaked top, flung it onto the floor and kicked off his trainers. He moved them to one side, making sure not to leave any potential hazards for Casey. Right now he wanted a hot shower after his long run. He made his way further inside the apartment but stopped when he spotted Casey leaning against the kitchen counter, his crutches weren't far away from him.

"What's up?" he asked at the expression on Casey's face.

"I was trying to fix the cupboard," Casey sighed, swapping the screwdriver he held from hand to hand.

"What was wrong with the cupboard?" he questioned, not at all sure why Casey was trying to fix it in the first place. He looked at the empty space where the cupboard door had been.

"It was squeaking," Casey answered with a hint of annoyance in his tone.

"Ah… well, it won't squeak anymore…" Severide commented, still looking at the empty space.

"Sorry," he sighed again, "I'll try to put it back later."

"I'll do it," Severide volunteered quickly, "If you want me to?"

"You probably should," he replied.

"We'll do it together," Severide suggested.

"It's a one-person job," he forced a smile, trying to hide the disappointment and frustration he felt at not even being able to complete a simple DIY job. It didn't bode well for any future prospects.

* * *

Summer came around quickly. Casey was able to get out of the apartment more and more as the time passed, he went to the boatyard with Severide as often as he was able between hospital visits. Casey had long since given up on the idea that he could continue with his construction business, but he was proving himself useful helping Severide out at the lake. He'd even started leaving the apartment on his own, something that had worried Casey at first but he was so determined not to be a burden to Severide that he started to go out to do the grocery shopping. It was a slow process like everything else was nowadays but it did make him feel a little less dependent.

Severide woke up to the sound of movement, he cracked open his eyes, the room was dark save for the lamp on Casey's side of the bed. "Matt?" he questioned as he wiped the sleep from his eyes.

"Pretend to be asleep," Casey whispered.

"What?" he croaked out.

Still whispering Casey explained, "I'm getting up to make you breakfast in bed... apparently I'm not very good at being secretive and quiet anymore so please pretend that you have no idea."

"Sure, baby..." he muttered as he felt Casey's weight leave the bed. "Can I have two eggs?"

Casey smiled. "Sleeping people can't demand the amount of eggs they get for breakfast."

Severide must have fallen back to sleep because the next thing he knew was Casey whispering his name. He opened his eyes and grinned at the sight he saw, "Check you out using one crutch." He pushed himself up onto the headboard as Casey made his way over with a smile on his face.

Casey was delicately balancing a large tray of breakfast in his right hand while his left hand gripped the bar on the crutch as he walked very slowly and deliberately towards Severide. But no matter how much care he was taking it didn't stop him from losing his balance and falling forwards onto the bed. The glass of juice, the plate of bacon, eggs and toast went spinning off the tray and onto the bed in front of Severide, who, even with his own lightning reactions, had only just managed to get his hands out to stop Casey smacking his face onto the plate.

"Shit…" Casey cursed as he lay on his front over Severide's thighs watching the orange juice drip down his bare chest.

"I spoke too soon, didn't I?" Severide just kept grinning.

"Will you stop smiling?" He produced a childlike pout that only made Severide's grin increase.

"You're adorable and I love you," Severide grabbed the fork from the top of the bed cover and picked up some egg, feeding Casey a mouthful before having some himself, "It's still good. Just a little scrambled." He continued to grin as he ate. "No point in wasting it," he commented as he picked up the food from the bed.

Casey just moved onto his back relaxed down into Severide's lap after trying to wipe away the sticky juice residue from his chest. He watched Severide as he finished up the eggs and bacon and started on the toast.

"So how much mess did you make in the kitchen?" Severide asked him in between mouthfuls.

"Just a little," Casey answered, looking up at him and clearly not telling him the full story.

"Only a little?" He grinned.

"Might have smashed a bowl," Casey told him.

"Surprised I didn't hear," he replied with a raised eyebrow.

"Dropped an egg," Casey continued.

"Uh huh."

"So not much mess..." He grinned at Severide. "Sorry..."

"Don't be," Severide replied, pushing away the tray and running a hand through the blond hair on his lap.

"Well, you're kinda gonna have to help me clean it all up." He smiled impishly.

"Help you?" Severide repeated with an air of disbelief.

Casey grinned up at him. "I'll probably just watch you clean it all up."

"How about I make you breakfast in bed tomorrow?"

"No." He shook his head. "I'll try again. I'll be better at it."

"I know you will, but I fear for the dwindling number of bowls and plates we have," Severide pointed out.

"I'll order some more," he replied.

"Let's go shopping," Severide suggested, "We can get some other stuff for the apartment, make it less mine and more ours."

"Easier to order online, comes right to the front door," he muttered as he pushed himself up off Severide's lap and sat on the side of the bed.

"Matt…"

"Kelly, I hate sitting in the waiting room at the hospital... and that's the hospital… people expect to see sick and hurt people but the way some people look at me... I don't want to go shopping like that... can barely manage getting the groceries… besides I'll be in the way... I doubt I'll make it entire time with just my crutches, people will stare…" he trailed off with a sigh, a little annoyed at himself for suddenly letting his fears known.

"People will stare?" Severide repeated. "Matt, you can hardly tell you walk with a prosthetic, for all everyone knows you've just sprained your ankle. Would I lie to you?"

"Maybe." He smiled but that smile faded quickly. "People do stare. I know they do."

"Well, next time I'm at the grocery store I'll punch them out," Severide joked. "And why are you so concerned about what other people think of you?"

"It's like they think I shouldn't be there," he told him.

"I think that's in your head because _you_ think you shouldn't be there," Severide spoke thoughtfully. After a few moments he spoke again. "Matt…" he stopped there, thinking.

"What is it?"

"I spoke to someone, an old colleague, and might have an idea to make you feel a little more comfortable…" Severide spoke a little cautiously now, trying to judge Casey's reactions as he listened, "I met up with him a few weeks ago. He plays a little wheelchair basketball."

"Ok…" he remained noncommittal. He wasn't quite certain where Severide was headed with this so he just kept quiet.

"He fell on the job, must have been more than five years ago now, he was paralysed from the waist down," Severide went on, "He had a lot of trouble adjusting to such a big change, couple years ago he got into wheelchair basketball, just a local club, but he's made friends and…"

"I don't need new friends and I certainly don't need you to go behind my back trying to organise activities for me to…"

"Matt, just listen a minute, ok? Don't go off on one," Severide interrupted him. "You're worried about being seen as different, you're worried about standing out. Well you'd be completely equal with all these guys. Plus..." he paused for effect, "Sounds like it could be a lot fun."

"Thank you," he replied flatly and with no hint of a smile. "I know you want to help me…"

"And I know you hate being helped," Severide said before Casey could continue.

He shook his head. "It's not that. I just wish I could do something for you."

"You do something for me every day," Severide replied. "And you made me breakfast in bed today."

"More like; spilt juice on you today," he corrected. "And what the hell do I do every day except need your help?"

"You're here."

"I'm here?" Casey repeated with a wry smile.

"I was so scared you were going to push me away."

"I'm sorry."

"No, I don't want you to apologise." Severide shook his head. "I just want you to know that every day I am grateful that you are still here."

"So am I."

* * *

A few days later Severide, along with Shay's invaluable help, managed to persuade Casey to go to a very public place with the two of them. One of Chicago's biggest and most popular shopping malls. They needed various things for the apartment, including replacements for the bowls and plates that had been accidentally smashed over the past six months, and Casey himself was finding himself sorely in need of some new clothes.

"You're gonna get way too hot dressed like that," Severide warned for the third time that day as they climbed out of his car in the mall's massive parking lot where they were meeting Shay.

"I'm not wearing shorts," Casey replied sharply. He was wearing a pair of jeans with the brace over the top on his left leg.

"It's 81 out today, you're gonna get too hot and you're going to dehydrate," he said. He realised how much he was nagging Casey but he couldn't help but worry especially as he watched Casey use the side of the car to help him round to the trunk so he could get his crutches out.

"I know." Casey nodded as he pulled out the crutches. He knew how he had to be even more careful with his fluid intake now the weather was warming up. "We're inside, I'll be fine. You need to stop worrying so much. It was very cute but it's getting kinda repetitive," he teased.

Shay rolled her eyes and grinned as she approached the two of them. "You two fight like an old married couple…" she mocked, she laughed as Casey and Severide exchanged an unamused glance.

Less than an hour into shopping Casey'd had enough. Despite the air conditioning he was beginning to overheat and felt a raging thirst. His left knee was hurting, his arms ached from using crutches and his hands were sticky and sweating inside the leather hand protectors he used. Things were getting too much for him, so much so that he needed to sit for a while and he needed to drink something, Severide had been waiting for the past half hour for Casey to say something about taking a break. Hell, he even wanted a break himself but he wanted Casey to figure it out for himself that he didn't need to keep struggling, that it was no big deal to take a breather.

"Guys," Casey said as he finally stopped outside a Starbucks, "You want a coffee or something? My treat."

Shay and Severide stopped a few steps in front of Casey, smiling. "Thought you'd never ask," Shay's face beamed as she spoke. "I was out so late last night... need a gallon of coffee. Drank quite a lot, pretty sure I twisted my ankle in those stupid heels I had on too."

"Only pretty sure?" Severide said to her, a look of mischief on his face, eyes twinkling.

Shay just shrugged in response. "Well, it hurt like hell when I woke up this morning…"

"You could borrow a crutch if you want." Casey smiled at her.

"You haven't hurt it that badly." Severide was shaking his head at her. "You're not limping, not even slightly. And I know what limping is... seen a lot of it lately..."

Casey just nodded at that.

"Well it does hurt, ok?" Shay smiled sweetly up at them.

"I can offer you a variety of painkillers, think Kelly follows me round with a little medical kit these days," Casey laughed.

"Damn, sorry, Casey… I didn't…"

"Didn't think you were allowed to complain about a twisted ankle?" he teased.

Shay grinned. "Right, we gonna stand here all day or go get coffee?"

Inside they sat down at a small table together. Casey had a glass of water but knew only to drink some of it despite the raging headache that was starting, he knew it was because he was dehydrated and he probably could drink a little more but ever since ending up in the ER he was overly cautious, particularly when he wouldn't be having dialysis for a while. He closed his eyes in an attempt to alleviate the pain inside his head.

"You all right, Matt?" Shay asked him, breaking off from what she was saying to Severide.

Casey nodded, taking hold of the bottom of his hoody and pulling it up over his head. He didn't like going without sleeves at the moment because he was currently self-conscious of the huge discolouration and bruising around the AV fistula in his arm. He noticed Shay throw a concerned glance at it and he smiled wearily at her across the table. "Wouldn't stop bleeding yesterday," he gave her an explanation quietly, looking down at his arm.

"Does that happen often?" Shay asked worriedly.

"Not really," he responded. "Probably the worst thing to happen, so it's not too bad."

"It's not, Matty... your hand went numb last week," Severide reminded him.

"Yeah, that was real weird. But other than that the only negative effect of the dialysis is the dizziness sometimes, so overall I guess things are all right really."

Shay smiled, pleased to hear how positive Casey seemed to be sounding at the moment. Most of the time Severide only told her about his bad moods and angry outbursts.

"They've put me onto the transplant list now as well," he told Shay.

"Hey, Matt, that's great," she replied, her face broke into a delighted grin. "Why didn't you guys tell me?"

"We only found out a couple days back," Severide answered.

"Just waiting for someone who's a match to die now…" Casey commented rather bitterly then he added, "But… but it would be nice not to be on this restricted diet, and not have to go to the hospital. I want to go back to work… maybe HQ or something. Just something so I'm not entirely useless."

"He's not useless," Severide spoke up, "The apartment has never been so clean and tidy."

Casey smiled teasingly. "Yeah I'm basically a housewife… or his own personal maid…" He shook his head and laughed, "Nah, I can't actually bend down or carry much… I'm like an elderly housewife…"

"If he's putting you to work, Matt, you need to learn to say no," Shay responded with a grin, enjoying all their banter.

"Well, I've destroyed most of his plates and mugs over the last few months, so I need to pay him back somehow." He laughed.

"Thought you were gonna pay me back with sexual favours…" Severide piped up with a somewhat lascivious grin on his face.

"Think I'll just do the cleaning," Casey shot a mock glare over the table before taking a sip of his water.

"You two need to get a room," Shay said with a tone of mock distaste in her voice.

"Are you all right, Matt?" Severide asked after drinking some of his coffee and seeing Casey close his eyes for a moment.

Casey studiously ignored the question and spoke to Shay. "See, I get this every five minutes…"

Severide just smiled at the exchange, glad that Casey seemed to be in such a good mood.

They finished their drinks and got on with the shopping, following Shay in and out of the various stores she needed to buy from, and looking at assorted household items that Severide and Casey wanted to see. Casey's good mood was beginning to waiver and crack by the middle of the afternoon and they realised they were going to have to call it a day. Casey's headache had only become worse and he was fearful that he was becoming dehydrated. Even with the air conditioning the mall was hot and stuffy and packed out with other shoppers, and Severide wondered if their trip had been such a good idea after all. He was only wearing board shorts and a t-shirt and he was finding it hot, so Casey must have only felt worse in his jeans and leg brace, and the pelvic support he wore under his clothes.

They said farewell to Shay at the main exit, with a cheery, "See you soon guys," and a kiss on the cheek for them both. Casey and Severide then made their way over the huge parking lot to Severide's vehicle. It was stiflingly hot and the sun was blazing down on all the cars.

By the time they got to Severide's car Casey was exhausted, but he still protested Severide took Casey's crutches from him and opened the passenger door. "I can put them in the trunk…"

"You need to sit down before you fall down," Severide stated as Casey leant back on the side of the car. "You didn't need to pretend you were fine in front of Shay," he said as went to put their bags of shopping into the trunk, along with Casey's crutches.

"I am fine," Casey replied predictably. "I'm just a bit hot."

"You're dehydrated."

"You trying being hydrated on restricted fluids," Casey grumbled.

Severide slammed the trunk closed. "Muttering under your breath, how very mature of you…" he commented as he walked around to the driver's side. A huge waft of hot air came out as he pulled the door open. Then with a thrill of shock Severide saw that Casey was no longer standing alongside the car and he wasn't in the passenger seat. He sprinted around to the other side. Casey was doubled over and had started throwing up violently, heaving until there was nothing left but acidic bile and frothy liquid coming up. He could barely stand but could feel Severide's hands steadying him. He was aware that Severide was saying something, but couldn't tell what until he finally stopped throwing up. Severide handed him a tissue and he wiped his face, lifting all traces of vomit from his chin and mouth.

"Now I'm definitely dehydrated…" Casey murmured as he let Severide take most of his weight and help him into the car. It had cooled a little with both doors open. "I'm really… really hot…" he breathed out.

"We need to go to the hospital," Severide said as he fastened Casey's seatbelt.

"No," he shook his head determinedly. "Just need to cool down…"

"You're sick, you need antibiotics and…"

"No… I'm just too hot, I'm not sick, I've not… caught anything, you were right, was being stubborn, should have worn something else… I'm just too hot… please, Kelly… please…"

"I suppose you could have heat stroke," Severide spoke cautiously.

"Can deal... at home… don't need hospital..." he was being economical with his words, a sure sign he felt ill. His face was pale and sweaty as he leaned back onto the headrest and closed his eyes.

Severide slammed the car door shut and went round to the drivers side, he got in and turned to Casey. "You better not throw up in my car," he said with a half-smile as he watched Casey. His breathing was steadying out a little now he was sitting down in the comfort of the car.

"Promise…" Casey murmured, his lips curled into a smile although his eyes remained closed.

* * *

Once they had arrived back at the apartment, Severide peeled off Casey's clothes and took off his prosthetic before helping him onto the shower seat under the flow of cool water, trying to get his temperature down. Once he was out of the shower and dried off, Severide wrapped him in a towel and carried him over to the couch. He grabbed a popsicle from the freezer and held it against Casey's lips.

"Can't I just have a drink?" Casey questioned after pulling away from the popsicle Severide was holding. "I'm thirsty… if I'm so dehydrated surely I don't have enough fluid in me? Just let me have a Gatorade…"

"See? This is why we should've gone to the hospital you need an IV or something..." Severide began.

"No... got dialysis soon... I'll just have to go over my limit…"

"And end up in the ER again? Not doing that."

"Won't go that far over, Kel... honestly I just need something to drink and then I'll feel better…" Casey's eyes pleaded.

"Damnit, I need to learn how to say no to you," Severide said in frustration, getting up and going to the refrigerator. He poured out some Gatorade into a small glass and took it back to Casey.

His hand shook as he held the glass to his lips and downed the small amount of fluid had offered him. "Impossible... you can never say no to me..."

It took Casey almost twelve hours to recover from their trip to the mall. Twelve hours of nausea, headaches and exhaustion, twelve hours of Severide worrying over him, of doubting his decision not to take Casey to the hospital, of wondering if he should have dragged Casey to the mall when he had wanted to order the stuff online in the first place.

Casey woke in the small hours of the morning, he still sitting on the couch wrapped in a sheet. He was beginning to feel much better, his head was clearing and he didn't feel so nauseated now. He opened his eyes to find Severide still by his side, watching TV with a beer in his hand. "You can go to bed and stop hovering over me now," Casey croaked tiredly.

"And just leave you on the couch?"

"Uh huh…"

"Matt, I'm not leaving you out here on the couch," Severide told him.

"Go to bed, you actually have a life so you need to be well rested, you have work…"

"C'mon, I'll give you a hand." Severide got to his feet and made to help Casey up.

"Don't need a hand." He cracked a smiled. "Leg would be good though."

"Very funny. Here..." Severide held out a hand.

He shook his head. "I said I'm staying here," he said firmly, if he told the truth he'd tell Severide that he was just exhausted and he didn't think he'd make it to the bed even with Severide's help, and there was no way he was asking for the wheelchair, and no way did he want to be carried to bed so he was staying put.

"Don't be like this…"

"I can sleep wherever the hell I want!" he spat out, preferring to push Severide away than tell him the truth and he knew Severide's patience was wearing thin.

"Fine!" Severide threw his hands in the air, it was late, well very early in the morning to be precise, and he couldn't be bothered to deal with Casey's ever-changing mood. "Sleep on the couch then, I don't care." He turned on his heel and walked away to his room. Casey sighed and stared at the TV, but he wasn't really watching it, he was lost in his own thoughts.


	16. Valium

Even though Severide was off duty, Casey chose to drive himself to his physiotherapy session despite the offer of a ride. He was determined to exert his independence, plus he knew that he wasn't entirely forgiven for his outburst a few nights before. He didn't blame Severide for that, the man had every right to be pissed at him at the moment. He was becoming impossible to live with, and he wondered how much longer Severide would be prepared to put up with him, but Casey couldn't help it, he was finding himself incapable of controlling his moods and anger. His sessions with Ty had been reduced to once a week, now he mainly used their gym equipment at home. He was using his crutches a lot less around the apartment, most of the time they were only used when he didn't wear his prosthetic, when he went out he still used them and wore the brace on his left leg for extra stability. Much to his distaste, he still needed to use the wheelchair every so often, sometimes he just couldn't get his body to cooperate, other times he would be in too much pain or would simply be too exhausted to walk.

Casey was sitting on a chair at the side of the physiotherapy suite with a towel draped around his neck and sweat trickling down his face. Ty was sat next to him. "Do you think it would have been better if they took my other leg?" Casey asked Ty with a subdued voice. It wasn't the first time he had wondered this, nor the first time he had questioned Ty.

"I think you'd still have had a long rehab," Ty replied diplomatically after considering his response. "Do you wish they had?"

"Sometimes," he turned to Ty and replied, because at times he thinks it would be easier to get on with life if he'd just been learning to walk with two prosthetics, rather than with one sometimes uncooperative leg and one prosthetic limb. He sighed. "But sometimes I think I should have… I should have just died…"

Ty looked at him earnestly as he spoke. "I say it all the time because it's true, Matt. Look how far you've come, look at what you've achieved."

"I know." He shook his head. "I'm being ungrateful. Don't go calling psych on me, don't really wish that I'd died. I don't want to be in pain though. Don't want Kelly to see me in pain, or to know that I still hurt but... but sometimes it's too exhausting to hide anything."

"Have you spoken to your doctor about it again?" Ty asked gently.

He nodded. "Had an appointment yesterday, he gave me some stronger pills again for when it gets too bad…"

"But?" Ty questioned, sensing there was something more.

"I…" he shrugged as he continued, "I don't want to get addicted to them or something… or for them to stop working…"

"That won't happen, not if you follow your doctor's advice," Ty told him.

He shook his head again and after a few moments he began, "Nearly three years ago my friend died… I lost Kelly that day too. We blamed each other for his death, blamed myself more than anything, I couldn't sleep and it was starting to affect work. Doctor prescribed me some sleeping pills. I used them, probably more than I should have, they stopped working so well so one night…"

"Go on, Matt," Ty encouraged.

"One night I overdosed on them, wasn't intentional, but I was really lucky. Really lucky. My friend's widow had come round 'cause I was meant to go over to hers. She saw the empty bottle, realised what had happened and shoved a load of Ipecac down my throat. She never spoke about it to anyone, not even me, not after she made sure I was gonna be fine." His eyes remained firmly on the tiled floor, he'd never spoken to anyone about this, not even Severide. "I don't trust myself with pills. I don't want to take too many because sometimes when I wake up it hurts so much that I could quite happily down the whole bottle."

* * *

It wasn't quite time for Casey's six month check-up but he had been scheduled for an MRI, the x-ray he had at his three month check-up had shown nothing out of the ordinary. It was now almost July and he was still experiencing severe pain in his lower back and pelvis, his left leg was less bothersome but there was still pain, so they'd finally decided to investigate it further.

"You're not claustrophobic, are you?" the technician asked Casey as he moved himself from his wheelchair onto the MRI scanner bed. He'd had to take of his prosthetic for the scan and dress in a hospital gown.

"No," he shook his head.

"Of course, you're a firefighter," the technician smiled.

"Was," he corrected her.

"Oh, sorry, of course…" she said, embarrassed by her mistake. "Ok, just lie back and stay as still as you can, you'll be in there for about twenty minutes," she explained.

He lay back and voiced his thoughts, "Don't think I've ever been conscious in one of these…"

"There's nothing to it, just relax, we can see and hear you, and you can talk to us too, if you need." She pressed the button on the side of the machine. "Ok, here we go," she said as the bed slowly slid into the scanner.

Casey lay as still as possible once he was inside the machine. He swallowed deeply as the MRI whirred into action. He let out a long breath. He could feel his heart starting to hammer away in his chest. His hands started to sweat. He blinked his eyes open and close, trying to stop the invading images and memories. He took some more deep breaths. He knew what was happening, he'd had a few panic attacks over the last six months and the fact that he was trapped in an enclosed space was certainly not helping.

"One… two… three…" Casey began to count to himself, still trying to breathe deeply and slowly.

"Matt, are you all right in there?" the technicians voice buzzed into life through the intercom.

"One… two… three…" he continued to count.

"Matt, you've just got another fifteen minutes left," the voice told him, but Casey was too consumed by the nightmare in his head to hear what she was saying to him. He'd stopped counting and was now staring blankly up at the inside of the scanner as his heart continued hammering. Then he started hyperventilating.

"Help…" he gasped between breaths, tears were rolling freely down the sides of his face. "Can't move… please… is there anyone down here… it hurts…"

Casey was unaware that in reality he was now being moved back out of the MRI. The technician had called for his doctor and was currently holding an oxygen mask over his face whilst attempting to get through to him.

Not only did the doctor rush into the MRI room, Severide did as well having seen Casey's doctor walk through the waiting room. The doctor knew he'd would be able to help Casey through his panic attack since his mind was currently stuck in the past, and Severide had been the one to find him in the concrete tomb.

"… Matty…" Severide's voice slowly started to penetrate the images in Casey's head. "Matt, baby, open your eyes, open your eyes for me…"

Severide was softly stroking his forehead and gently brushing back his hair until he finally stopped trembling and did as Severide's voice commanded.

"Hey," he soothed Casey, who's expression was a mixture of confusion and weariness now his eyes had opened. "Hey, you're ok, you're in the hospital…"

"Oh God… did I have… damnit…" Casey swore as he realised what was going on, annoyed at himself for not being strong enough.

"Shh… it's ok, nothing to worry about, it happens." Severide nodded as the doctor came into view, he moved to one side.

"We've given you a shot of Valium, Matt, how are you feeling? Think you can try again?" the doctor asked.

"I'm sorry… I didn't mean to… sorry…" he said slowly, distress still evident in his tone.

"It's fine," the doctor told him. "I can give you another shot, we really need to get these scans and get you sorted, ok?" he spoke as he prepared another syringe.

"Ok..." Casey nodded tiredly.

The doctor smiled as he inserted the needled and pressed the plunger. "Gonna need to monitor you now you've had this," he said as he pulled a cart over.

"Uh huh…" Casey slurred, his eyes rolled a little, as the doctor pulled the front of his gown back and attached a couple of ECG pads to his upper chest.

Severide was stood back from Casey now, he was pleased to see the huge difference the sedative had made. Casey had gone from shaking with panic to lethargic and relaxed, and his breathing had evened out, all within less than a minute.

"All right, Matt, lie back for me," the doctor spoke, "Kelly's going to stay right over there so he can talk to you whilst you're in there, ok?"

"Uh huh…" Casey responded softly with his eyes now closed, with a faint semblance of a smile on his lips as he sank back onto the scanner bed again.

Severide nodded and smiled gratefully at the doctor and followed him and the technician away from the machine. This time, with Severide's help along with the Valium, Casey got through the whole time it took to get the scans of his leg and pelvis. Severide and the technician helped him back into his wheelchair. Originally they were only going to need to wait for the MRI results before going home, but now they needed to monitor him for a few hours until the Valium left his system, so Casey found himself back down in the ER, only this time he was taken straight to the observational area and he was still so out of it that he didn't protest.

Some time later Casey started to come round. "Kel…" Casey muttered as his eyes fluttered open.

"Yeah, baby?" Severide moved closer to the gurney Casey was lying on.

"Can you put my leg back on?" he slurred out.

"Erm… yeah sure, not sure how stable you're gonna be on crutches…"

"I'll manage," he replied wearily. "Can we go?"

"Not yet, don't even have the results yet," Severide explained.

He frowned a little, finding it hard to think. "Thought ortho was gonna look then get back to me."

"He's looking at it today for you, wants to get it sorted, wants to know why you're still in pain," Severide told him.

"Maybe it's not real… like my leg sometimes…" he spoke tiredly, he was struggling to articulate his words and had long since given up trying to keep his eyes open.

"Matt…"

"Hmm?"

"Just be quiet, stop thinking so much and relax," Severide smiled down at him.

"Feel like I'm floating… should probably tie me to the bed…"

"They gave you some Valium, two shots." Severide ran a hand through Casey's hair as he spoke, it was an act that soothed Casey and himself, he liked to comfort him and Casey rarely let him these days.

"Val… Val… Vali… Vali… um…" he struggled to get the word out. "What's that for? What're they doing?" His weary eyes peered up at Severide.

"It was just to help you relax," Severide told him.

Casey's head lolled to the side as he spoke. "Always telling me to relax."

"Yeah." Severide nodded in agreement. "You're not always a very relaxed person."

"I should have more…" he frowned a little. "It's nice… it's good… sleepy though… always sleepy anyway… don't need more sleepy… sleepy… sleep…" Casey's voice trailed off as he gradually sank into a doze.

By the time his orthopaedic doctor appeared Severide struggled to wake him up. "Sorry, they gave him something for the MRI, not sure how attentive he'll be… Matty, come on, doc's here…"

"M'awake…" Casey slurred as he woke, he clumsily wiped away the sleep from his eyes and looked expectantly at the doctor. "What did the scans show?" he asked, surprising Severide with his alertness but he figured the shots of Valium must have worn off.

Casey's orthopaedic doctor wasted no time in getting to the point. "Well, I'm sorry to say they show that there is a lot of scar tissue around the pelvic bones and in your left leg, especially your knee." The doctor held the scans up to the light for the two men to see but Casey paid next to no attention to them. "There's not much we can do for scar tissue, and with the amount you have further surgery is unlikely to resolve the issue, it would only create more scar tissue."

"Sometimes he can't physically get out up and out of bed in the morning…" Severide interjected.

"Kelly…" Casey shook his head, trying to stop him from saying anything further.

"This is a real issue for you, Matt, you need to be completely honest," Severide told him.

"Because it hurts too much?" the doctor asked Casey.

"Sometimes." He nodded. "Other times I just can't move, it resolves itself though. Unless surgery is going to make all that stop then I don't want it, and it sounds like surgery would be a waste of time, so we can just manage it like we have been."

"There is another solution," the doctor began tentatively, "We could always amputate above the worst of the scar tissue in your leg but…"

"Not an option." Casey shook his head immediately. "We'll just manage it like we have been doing."

"Tylenol isn't cutting it," Severide spoke up. "It barely takes the edge off when…"

"Tylenol is just fine," Casey contradicted him.

"Listen, Matt, I'm going to refer you to a pain specialist, they'll be able to help more than I or your primary physician can," the doctor told him as he wrote down on the chart.

"Another doctor…" Casey almost sighed, "Hardly gonna improve my quality of life is it?" His tone of voice was verging on being sarcastic now and Severide shot him a look.

"Matt…" Severide began but he was soon cut off before he could say anything more.

Casey just smiled at the doctor. "Thanks for your help. Can I get out of here now?"

The doctor smiled thinly back at Casey, he gave a small nod. "I should think so, but I'll go and check."

* * *

"Hey, Kelly," Ty greeted as he walked up to Severide in the waiting area by the physiotherapy suite. "Sorry, we ran late today, Matt's just changing."

"No problem. Good session?" Severide questioned.

"He should be really happy with himself, he was going up and down the steps like a pro." Ty smiled, it was an achievement Casey never thought he would manage.

"Was he in any pain?" he asked. It had been a few days since Casey's MRI, and Casey hadn't changed his mind about wanting to get anyone else involved in his medical care.

"Not that I could tell but…"

"But he's been hiding it for months," Severide supplied, "Won't even take any Codeine anymore and I don't think Tylenol does anything to help." Nowadays the only time Severide managed to get Casey to take something stronger was if he really was out of it, having woken up after a night terror when phantom pain would course through his legs.

"He's understandably worried about having all these pills, it's no wonder he doesn't want anything stronger than Tylenol if he's worried about the effects wearing off and overdosing like before…"

Severide's head snapped up. "What?" he said, not sure that he had heard Ty right.

"The sleeping…" Ty replied but then realisation hit. "The sleeping pills that you knew nothing about..."

"Sleeping pills?" he echoed.

"I thought you knew, I assumed you knew, he didn't tell me that…" Ty sighed, he'd just broken Casey's trust without even realising it.

"Recently?"

"I really don't think I should be saying anything, I didn't realise you didn't know," Ty replied.

"So it was recent?" he pushed for more.

Ty shook his head.  "No, not recent at all…"

Severide almost sighed in relief because he was sure he would have noticed. "Probably a few years ago then? About three?"

"Kelly, I'm not…"

"It was about three years ago," Casey announced as he appeared from inside the changing room. Neither Severide nor Ty had noticed him there, too caught up in their own thoughts, they both turned as he spoke.

"Matt, I am so sorry, I didn't…" Ty began.

Casey smiled. "It's fine, honestly, don't worry about it. Thanks for today, I'll see you next week."  
  
With that, Casey turned around on his crutches, bag slung over his shoulder, and headed for the exit. Severide followed him all the way to the car in silence.

After they had got into Severide's car they sat for some time, Severide was still trying to assimilate the information that Ty had unintentionally revealed to him. Eventually he turned in his seat and faced Casey. "After Andy?" Severide questioned him.  
  
He watched as Casey nodded.  
  
"Why didn't you tell me?" he asked Casey more calmly than he felt.

Casey gave a small shrug, as if none of it mattered. "We weren't talking."

"You should have come to me…"

"You wouldn't let me near you… I came to you after I got down from that ladder, and you hit me… after that, every time we were near each other we were yelling…"

"So you OD'd?"

"It was an accident."

"An accident?" Severide repeated incredulously. "You could have died!" he exclaimed, "How _didn't_ you?"

"Heather," Casey supplied.

Severide was shaking his head, still reeling at this new information. "What if no one had turned up?"

"Then I wouldn't be here because I made a stupid mistake," Casey replied simply.

"Was it a mistake?" he questioned.

"I wasn't trying to kill myself," Casey replied. "I'd like to think I'd have done a better job if that was my intention."

"Wish you'd told me," his voice softened.

"Didn't think you'd care, didn't think anyone would." Casey just shrugged again.

"I hated you, I hated you after Andy died, but I still cared… 'cause I hated myself too."

"I never hated you but… but we got through all that, Kelly, so let's just not bring it up ok?"

"That's healthy…" he muttered under his breath.

"No need to re-open old wounds."

* * *

A few more days passed and Casey, once again, found himself sitting in the passenger side of Severide's car only this time he was refusing to get out and it wasn't because he was in pain, or because he physically couldn't. "Please, Kelly, let's go home…" he tried, squinting slightly even under his cap because of the blazing sunshine. "Look, if you're so determined to go, then go but I'm sitting right here, I am not going out there in front of all of them."

"Matt, baby, you were looking forward to this, you can just sit at one of the tables, it'll be fine."

"I can't, I can't do it," Casey repeated, "I'm sorry, I'm just letting you down, aren't I?"

"You're not letting me down, I just thought we'd sorted this, you tried on so many pairs of shorts I thought you were comfortable in these ones." He nodded down at Casey's lap, looking at the khaki colour boardshorts he was wearing.

"I can't do it, I don't want them to see." Then Casey smiled and added lightly, "I also don't want heat stroke again."

"Ok, well, we'll go home then," he said, trying to hide the disappointment in his voice because he'd been looking forward to the annual CFD barbeque, and he'd wanted to enjoy it with the man he loved.

"Thank you."

"There's always the option to get a cosmetic cover on your new pros…" Severide began as he turned the key in the ignition.

"It's not that," Casey said before he could finish.

"What is it then?"

"I used to be their leader, and now look at me? All they're going to do is pity me, they're not going to see beyond all my scars, not like you," Casey spoke wistfully.

"Matt, you are still a hero, everyone can see that in you. You're a true hero to anyone who sees what can be achieved after the worst has happened."


	17. Scars

Severide had been standing by the open door of Casey's room for a while. He was getting dressed, it was a lengthy process, the prosthetic went on first because without it was even a struggle to slip on his boxers. Severide watched quietly as Casey sat on the side of the bed and slipped the liner over his residual limb. He grabbed his prosthetic which he kept standing between the nightstand and the bed and slipped his limb into the vacuum socket. He pulled out the railing, it locked into place with a click, he gripped it and he stood up. He waited for a moment before walking slowly over to the oak chest and pulled open the top drawer. Severide didn't want him to get dressed. Not just yet. It was a rare occurrence for him to see Casey naked nowadays. He missed Casey's body, his perfectly proportioned and muscular physique. He'd always had an athletic look about him, ever since Severide had first met him, but now all the physiotherapy and exercise had defined and accentuated his taut muscles. Severide had never been more in love with his body.

"You look good, Matt," Severide spoke softly after he had been staring at Casey for some time, admiring the view.

Casey stilled, he had some clothes in one hand, the other rested on the chest of drawers to keep himself steady. He turned slowly, careful not to balance wrongly, and he found Severide's green eyes travelling up and down his nude form.

There was a small smile on Severide's lips. "You look hot."

"What?" Casey cast him a wry look. "With all my scars?" He looked down at himself. He was covered in scars, some from before the accident. The very worst were the ones were on his left leg, and there was the laparotomy scar running from his upper chest to below his belly button.

"I love your scars," he replied, still admiring Casey's naked body.

Casey smiled, let out a small laugh and said, "I need to sit down." His position balancing on the set of drawers had become precarious.

"How about you lie down?" Severide nodded at the bed. He took the clothes from Casey's hand and let them fall to the floor. He then helped Casey to the bed, he set him on the soft throw and lay him back slowly. Casey swallowed, there was a slight flush on his cheeks now. Severide quickly and gently moved himself over to straddle Casey's lower half. "Comfortable?" Severide smiled down at him.

"I'm fine…" Casey started to say. Severide knew a 'but' was coming although Casey didn't say anything more. He just stared up silently at Severide's face as he felt a throbbing heat in his groin.

"Good, Matty... good…" he whispered, grinning hungrily for Casey as he traced a hand from his shoulder right down to his groin and stroked him softly.

"Please don't," Casey said quietly the moment Severide touched his flesh.

"You in pain?" he quickly halted the movement of his hand.

Casey shook his head and spoke quickly, "Please don't try because... because I don't know if I can..."

If Severide had been thinking with his head, he would have heard the discomfort in Casey's voice, it was edging on panic. But he wasn't thinking with his brain. He was looking down at Casey's naked body, at the soft expanse of skin that stretched taut over his abdominal muscles, and then further down where everything lay undisturbed. Severide smiled. "There's one way to find out..." Severide encouraged, his hand started to stroke Casey again.

Casey clamped his eyes shut. "Please, Kelly, don't," he warned him.

Severide stopped at Casey's tone. He straightened up and climbed off the bed away from Casey. "I'm sorry."

"Where are you going?" Casey questioned, his eyes were open now and a slight note of distress was still in his tone.

"I need to go to the bathroom..." he excused himself, needing no further explanation. "Get dressed and I'll drop you off at the hospital..."

"Kelly..." Casey wanted to stop him going but didn't know what to say.

"It's fine, Matt." Severide shook his head and turned quickly away from Casey to conceal the prominent bulge in his jeans. "I should have thought…"

Casey just watched him go with sadness in his eyes as he was left lying naked on the bed.

* * *

Casey sat in silence throughout his dialysis session that day, and few words were spoken between him and Severide during his journey home, he wished he could have driven himself there and back but they knew it wasn't wise, it was too dangerous in case he became dizzy or ill after his session, so Severide preferred to drive him.

From the corner of his eye Severide could see Casey glancing over at him from the passenger seat. "Don't tell me you're sorry."

"Kel…"

"I don't want to hear it again," he spoke, "I'm struggling, Matt, I don't know how to make things better, I don't know how help you."

"I don't want you to help me," Casey retorted, both his voice and his face showing his frustration.

"See? That's part of the problem, you need some…"

"I'm not helpless!" Casey raised his voice. "I don't need anyone… Oh God… Kelly, I don't mean that… I don't mean that I don't need you, I do need you, I just… I don't need a personal assistant, a carer… just need you as a person because I love you…" He sighed heavily and shook his head. "Bit contradictory since you're driving me home from the hospital again… fucking hell… I can't get anything right at the moment… and I really am sorry about this morning… I just want to make you happy, like you make me happy but I feel like all I'm doing is making you miserable. I'm just dragging you down, I don't want to go out just 'cause… just 'cause it's not easy… why is that stopping me though? Why do I want easy? When have I ever not done things just 'cause they weren't easy? And I really really just want to make love with you like we used to, but I'm scared… I'm scared! Why the hell am I scared? I'm scared of being in any more pain, I'm scared of drinking too much, I'm scared of falling over and not being able to get back up again, I'm scared that… I'm scared that this is it, that everything I wanted in the future is never going to happen, so what the hell was the point in surviving? What the hell is the point in fighting every day? What am I doing it for? Because right now I'm just making your life miserable…" his voice cracked and he couldn't continue.

Severide said nothing, he just concentrated on driving as they continued the journey home. He simply pulled the car up on the street outside the apartment building. Casey glanced at him as he got out, Severide made no move to follow suit. He opened the trunk to get his crutches out, closed the trunk and simply watched as Severide drove away.

* * *

Severide had left Casey standing alone in the street outside the apartment block and had driven over to Shay's place without a second thought.

"What's wrong?" Shay exclaimed as immediately she had got her apartment door open to discover a distraught Severide standing in the hallway.

"I..." suddenly Severide was lost for words. He had left Casey and taken off in his car. He wasn't even sure if Casey had his apartment key on him, and he'd just left him there. All Casey had been trying to do was to make amends for his recent behaviour and he'd just gone and left him, standing on the sidewalk leaning slightly into his crutches. "I... erm... I don't know... I just needed some space maybe," he tried to explain how he felt to Shay.

She pulled him into a short, reassuring hug, moving him through the door. "Space? From Matt?"

"No… yes…" Severide sighed. "I really just don't know."

"Has something happened?" she pressed.

Severide sank down onto the couch, he'd closed his eyes and was shaking his head. "He lost his leg."

"Way to state the obvious." She sat herself on the leather footrest in front of him.

"He's… he's different." He shook his head again and opened his eyes. "No. He's the same really just… I don't know. Shay, I think I'm losing him, I think he's losing himself… he is lost, and I can't help him find himself… does that even make any sense?"

"You love him, Kelly, and…"

"I love him so much," Severide spoke slowly and deliberately, "But I don't love this person he's turning into, that makes me a…"

"It doesn't make you anything." She placed her hands on his knees. "You are both struggling in your own ways, neither of you ever thought this would happen, or at least it was never at the front your minds…"

"He is in pain, he's always been in some sort of pain since all this happened and he didn't tell me."

"That's not new ,Kelly, that's not different, he's always hidden things like that," Shay told him. "I think maybe you do see him differently now, it's not intentional, but you can't help it, you care about him and he's hurting physically and emotionally. You rush into things, trying to solve them as fast as you can, that's your nature. You're trying to help Matt. Matt, a person who has always been very reserved and very private, he has always been the one to take care of everyone else. You said you it yourself once, he grew up too fast. He's probably finding all the caring a little overwhelming. And after something so tragic, so life-changing, he's got to figure everything out again, and I bet everything before all this happened seems like an ideal world, and it's hard not to see it like that. One day he'll figure out that there's always good and bad times, that not everything was great before, and that things can still be great after."

After a few silent thoughtful moments Severide shot her a mock glare. "Since when did you start going all philosophical?"

"Since something terrible happened to two of my best friends."

"Damnit…" he muttered, suddenly sitting up straighter, ready to leave. "I've really blown it. He actually opened up to me… he was so raw… and I… I didn't say anything… I just left him there…"

Concerned Shay questioned, "You left him? Where?"

"I need to go…"

* * *

By the time Severide's car had disappeared from Casey's view he realised that he had no keys for the apartment, he hadn't expected he'd need it but Severide wouldn't have known that, and had probably assumed he would have the key with him. He was lost in his thoughts, he didn't know what to think, he'd tried to put things right but ended up hurting Severide even more. The man deserved more than Casey could give. Everyone deserved more than he could give.

After a while he followed someone into the lobby and sat on one of the few chairs that were by the entrance. There was little point in travelling up to their floor, it's not like he could just sit outside their door, and there was no point in leaving the building because he didn't know where to go, so he sat and he waited. Several more people came and went, they passed Casey as he sat waiting, some of them gave him a quick glance, others payed him no attention at all.

It was about an hour later when Severide pulled into the parking lot, parked up and let himself in at the main door. As he stepped inside he saw Casey sitting there with his crutches leaning against the wall next to him. He stood up a little awkwardly when he spotted Severide coming through the door, grabbing his crutches to support himself. Both of them looked sheepishly at the other, both feeling guilty for different reasons.

"Are we talking?" Casey began first.

"I'm not ignoring you, Matt," he stated. "And I should have realised you didn't have a key, I am sorry, and I'm sorry for just driving off."

"I deserved it." Casey shrugged.

"You didn't. Let's go up, yeah?"

Neither of them spoke another word as they waited for the elevator to reach the lobby. When the door opened they were both relieved there was no one else inside. They got out on Severide's floor and walked along the hallway to the apartment. Severide followed Casey in and told him to go and sit on the couch while he made some coffee for himself, but Casey just trailed slowly after him into the kitchen area.

"I wasn't ready..." Casey began, trying to offer an explanation for everything, as he stood by Severide.

"I know, Matt, I said I was sorry." Severide almost sighed, he felt as if he'd had this conversation a thousand times since he had tried to initiate sex between them.

Casey shook his head. "No, I wasn't ready to not be who I was. There's before and after the accident. The bomb. The after is black. The before is white. I wasn't ready and apparently, I'm finding it hard to come to terms with that."

"Can't they both be grey? Before had good and bad," Severide reminded him, he didn't want Casey to see his life as perfect before because it was far from it. "After has good and bad. Right?"

"I guess so." Casey was silent for a few moments while the coffee readied. "I loved my job. Yes, there were days where we just couldn't save everyone but we saved a lot more than we didn't. It gave me a purpose, it was who I was. I loved it and now it's gone."

"You loved me before." Severide smiled, putting a hand gently on Casey's arm.

"I still love you. You are the good. You're always the good."

* * *

Casey's low mood seemed to lift a little over the next few days. He was making a massive effort not to lash out at Severide so often and the atmosphere between them was less strained, less unpredictable. It was late in the evening and Casey was sitting on the bed when Severide stepped into the room and laid by him, propped up on the headboard. Casey was reading through some of the information that the prosthetist had given him earlier on in the day.

"You looking at the stuff they gave you today?" Severide asked casually.

"Uh huh," Casey replied, choosing not to elaborate further as he focused on the words and pictures in front of him.

"Figuring it all out? Know what you want?" he questioned with a smile, happy that Casey was finally making decisions about his permanent prosthetic at last, the fitting process would start in August, it wasn't many weeks away.

But instead of the positive answer Severide was sure he would get, Casey shook his head. "Not really."

"Well, choose anything," he said encouragingly.

"I can't choose anything," Casey told him. "Needs to be covered by the insurance."

"No, pick anything, really, whatever you need." He smiled. He stretched over and leaned across Casey's shoulder, peering at the booklet in Casey's hand. He heard and saw Casey sigh despondently.

"You seen the prices of some of these things?" Casey said quietly.

"Herrmann said pick whatever you want, the money will get raised, you don't need to worry about it," Severide explained.

"I don't want money being raised for me… and how the hell does Herrmann know? Do you make a habit of letting everyone at the firehouse know everything about me?"

"Let them. They want to help, and they don't know how else to," Severide told him, not raising his voice to match Casey's. "And they just wanted to know if you ever needed anything, and this is a big…"

"I'm not a charity," he tried to bite back the spite from his tone. He shook his head, trying to get rid of the sudden rage he felt inside. "I... erm… I need to figure out what I'm doing with my house, I suppose I should sell it, maybe… won't even need insurance to pay for the new prosthetic if I do that…"

Severide grinned and rested his chin on Casey's shoulder. "Make the move here official?"

"Yeah, well, that will only happen if you start letting me pay rent," he retorted.

"You don't need to," Severide told him.

"Why? Because I'm not earning any money? Because I don't have a job like you do?" Casey's voice was sharp as he took on a bitter tone.

Severide backed up on the bed and sat looking at Casey. "Matt, you know I don't mean it like that, but fine, if it makes you feel better you can pay towards the rent."

"Make me feel better?" Casey snapped angrily, twisting around and staring at Severide, his eyes showed his true feelings.

Severide just stood up from the bed and shook his head sadly. "I'm not doing this, I'm going out. See you later..." With that he left the room. A few moments later Casey heard the front door slam.

* * *

Several hours later Severide still hadn't returned home so Casey heated up some leftovers, ate half and moved the other half around on his plate for fifteen minutes before going to bed. He'd been checking his phone every few minutes, hoping for at least a text message from Severide, but once again he'd really done this to himself. He took off his pants, sat on the edge of the bed and took off his prosthetic leg, he massaged the residual limb, pulled off his t-shirt and got underneath the bed covers. It wasn't long before he was fast asleep, dreaming that he had both his legs and could once again go running.

He was woken sometime during the night, broken from his peaceful sleep by the front door crashing open. He sat up and grabbed his crutches from their place against the nightstand, and stood up before moving quickly from the bedroom into the living area. "Kelly?" he called softly as he switched on the light. He could see Severide pawing at the walls in an attempt to keep himself upright, but failing miserably as he staggered around the around the apartment until he finally ended up on the floor.

"Just go to bed, Matt…" Severide slurred from his kneeling position.

"You're loaded," Casey muttered, stating the obvious.

"And you're depressed..." Severide said with a loud belch.

"Can you get up?"

"I can move just fine..." Severide pushed himself up, tried to take a step, promptly swayed to his right and his knees buckled, taking him down. He landed on his side with a thud and started to laugh.

"Ok, we're gonna have to help each other, all right? I can't take all your weight." It took time and a massive effort on Casey's part to get Severide to the couch. And he managed not to stumble and fall when he abandoned his left crutch in favour of getting Severide some juice, an attempt to alleviate the heavy hangover Casey knew was coming to him in a few hours. He set the glass down on the coffee table and sat himself down by Severide's middle.

Severide was now almost passed out and sprawled over most of the huge couch. "Kel, you need to drink or you'll have a hangover from hell," Casey tried.

"Oh, just go away, Matt..." Severide slurred, not even opening his eyes.

"Please… here." He picked up the juice and held the glass to Severide's mouth, but he managed to hold it himself and drank it greedily. "Want anything to eat? It'll help. Some toast?"

"Breakfast..." Severide burst into drunken laughter. "Middle of the fucking night… eggs and bacon… I'm starving…"

"Ok, I'll be right back then." He struggled to get up but with support from one crutch and the coffee table he managed it and went to the kitchen. He fried up some eggs and bacon and made some toast, taking longer than he would have previously but he'd long gotten used to supporting himself on one or both crutches. It was a challenge getting it to Severide but he succeeded without incident, and he set the tray onto the coffee table.

After swallowing down some of the food Severide soon fell asleep and started snoring loudly. Casey couldn't be bothered to try and get up so he stayed with Severide on the couch for the remainder of the night. He sat watching Severide as he slept, gazing at his parted lips and the gentle rise and fall of his chest. Casey knew he never wanted to lose Severide and yet he was constantly pushing him away. That was something he didn't seem to be able to control, he didn't seem to have control of much at the moment.

Severide slept undisturbed well into late morning, and when he finally woke he was suffering with a killer headache and nausea. He couldn't grumble, it was totally self-inflicted, and he couldn't really lay any blame on Casey either, even though he was the catalyst for Severide's binge. "Matt?" he croaked out, aware of something moving by him on the couch. "That you?"

"Yeah..." Casey smiled. "Who else would it be? How you feeling?"

"Lights…" Severide muttered thickly, burying his face into a pillow.

Casey stood up, he'd put on his prosthetic and dressed a few hours ago, he walked slowly over to the window and closed the blinds, shutting out the bright sunlight that was filtering in. He went to the kitchen and brought Severide a glass of water and some painkillers.

Severide pushed himself into a sitting position and swallowed the small white tablets gratefully with a swig of water. "These yours?" he queried.

Casey just nodded. "Thought you'd need something a bit stronger."

"Thanks..." He smiled tiredly, he could feel Casey's hand gently stroking his right leg.

"Bet you wish you could have my dialysis session today, that would cure your hangover," Casey teased impishly.

"You just don't wanna lie there for four hours with a couple of huge needles stuck in your arm..."

"Maybe." Casey smiled at him. "Want some more breakfast?"

"More?" His dark brows creased together.

"Yeah, you had your first one at 3am," Casey explained.

"Oh, sorry, Matt, didn't mean to wake you..."

"You made quite an entrance. Don't worry about it." Casey paused for a few seconds, as if debating what he was going to say next. "Nothing worse than I've done to you recently. So breakfast then?"

"Sure, if you're offering."

A few minutes later Casey was standing by the hob with a pan of bacon and eggs gently cooking in front of him. He had hold of the pan handle when a sudden huge spike of pain stabbed into his lower back and he let go of it and cursed. Nerve pain. He waited a moment for it to subside until he felt safe to continue. But he didn't get much more done when he was hit by another pain, and this time his left knee almost gave out on him at the same time. He knew he should have worn his brace but he'd given it a look of distaste as he'd gotten dressed that morning, and really just couldn't have been bothered with it, he'd hoped he'd need it less and less as time went by. He cursed once more. Casey's anger just rose inside him and he was incapable of stopping it. He shoved a balled fist straight through the plasterboard next to the refrigerator sending bits of debris flying onto the kitchen floor. "Shit!" he cursed again as he saw the mess, berating himself for his lack of self-control.

"What the hell, Matt?" Severide appeared having heard the noise. Then seeing what Casey had done, he questioned, "Was that really necessary?"

"I'll fix it," he grumbled, rubbing his right hand that he'd just sent through the plasterboard.

"It's not about fixing it, you can't just hurt yourself like that, give me your hand, let me check it." Severide was already reaching for Casey's hand which was still balled into a fist.

Casey yanked his hand away quickly from Severide's grasp. "I can check my own hand!" he snapped.

"Matt, don't…" he tried but Casey was already moving away from him.

"Will you just leave me alone! Just back off, ok?"

"Fine, my head is pounding, I can't be dealing with your shit now..." Severide threw his hands into the air in defeat and turned on his heel to sit down on the couch while the pills went to work on his head.

Casey sighed, turning off the hob and he watched Severide walking away. He shook his head and sighed. "What the hell am I doing?" he said as if to himself. "I'm taking everything out on you."

Severide had sat himself down on the couch, closed his eyes and rested his head back. His head was still throbbing fiercely. Casey stood and watched him for a few more moments, thinking, before he walked over to him and sat down. He took hold of Severide's hand and smiled down at him as his eyes fluttered open tiredly. Severide returned the gesture and squeezed his hand back.

Looking ahead Casey spoke, "I'll talk to someone, I'll get some help with… with the nightmares, the panic attacks, the lashing out… because I can't keep doing this to you."


	18. Oahu

The end of July finally found Casey and Severide in the departure lounge at O'Hare airport. Casey was sitting in his wheelchair by the edge of a row of typical hard airport seats where Severide was sitting. Ty had advised them to take the chair and the easier way to do that was to use it in the airport, and have his crutches checked into the main luggage hold. Casey hadn't objected like Severide thought he would, he was looking forward to their vacation together.

Less than fifteen minutes into their wait he had started to complain about how uncomfortable the seating was. "You're uncomfortable? Try sitting on what used to be a very badly broken pelvis," Casey joked, grinning at him.

"I'll get you a pillow for Christmas, a pillow for your fragile ass." Severide laughed making Casey shake his head as he looked back down at his book. Severide could see him still smiling and that made him happy. He'd started seeing a therapist, even though he wasn't thrilled by the idea, so Severide never brought it up in conversation. He remained silently pleased that Casey was getting some help and he really hoped it would work out. Casey was trying not to let things get to him, trying to see the positives, and there had been a noticeable improvement in his mood, even though he still suffered from nightmares and panic attacks.

During their vacation Casey would be going to a hospital in Honolulu for his dialysis treatment. They had considered cancelling the trip when Casey was unexpectedly placed on the transplant list but after a lot of discussion they had decided to go ahead with it. In the unlikely event of a kidney becoming available they were prepared to fly straight back to Chicago, but their over-riding need for a holiday was paramount for both their sakes. It had taken them a while to get everything checked in and go through security. Everything had to be checked, especially Casey's medication, all his antibiotics, painkillers, blood pressure medication... all of it had to be verified for carriage on the flight. Once they had done all that they were ushered through to the departure lounge where they now waited.

"Boarding gate's open, Matty," Severide commented after some time, staring up at one of the screens ahead of them. He stood up and flung his bag over one shoulder. "Want me to push?"

"Nah, I'm good," he responded as he closed his book. Severide took it from him and slid it into the bag hanging over the wheelchair handles.

"It's a long way…" Severide smiled.

"There's nothing wrong with my arms."

"Yet," Severide teased.

"You're a funny man."

They were soon waiting by their boarding gate and would be pre-boarded so they were in their seats before the rest of the passengers. Casey hadn't objected to the preferential treatment, he didn't want to get caught in the rush as the main body of the plane was boarded. By the time they were on board the aircraft and in their seats and the crew had closed the doors, Severide began to notice how nervous Casey was starting to look. He had been glancing out of the window at the runway for the last few minutes and kept tinkering with the video screen on the seat back in front of him, and fiddling with his medical alert bracelet.

"You all right?" Severide questioned

"I've never flown before," he stated.

"What?" Severide said, surprised, "You've never flown before?"

"No." He shook his head.

"Oh… I didn't know that. How didn't I know that?"

"Not really something that comes up in every day conversation," he replied.

"Guess not..." Severide shrugged. "You're not scared, are you?"

"I'm not scared…" He shot Severide a look but then a frown crossed his face.

"You like control," Severide stated, realising that could explain Casey's nervousness.

"I have no idea how to fly a plane if…"

"You're not gonna need to fly the plane." Severide laughed at him, grinning broadly.

* * *

It was early in the evening when their flight landed at Honolulu International airport. The flight had gone well, there was a slight delay to take-off but with the extra leg room afforded by the business class seats, and a few trips up and down the aisle, Casey didn't get too sore during the nine hour long flight. The painkillers Casey took helped as well. He was becoming a little more willing to take them when in pain, it was better for him to keep moving and if that meant he needed something to dull the pain every so often then that's what he did. Severide had noticed the progress since Casey had started talking to someone, although he knew Casey felt ashamed about it, ashamed of not seeming strong enough, when the fact that he had sought out help only showed Severide how truly strong he was.

They'd disembarked last from the aircraft onto the tarmac, Casey settled into his wheelchair, fetched to the bottom of the steps by an obliging stewardess. Three ladies in traditional Hawaiian costume placed silk flower leis around their necks. Before long they had reclaimed their luggage and caught a cab to their hotel in Waikiki, the Hilton Hawaiian Village, with its rainbow tower high over the white sands and blue Pacific Ocean, fringed with swaying palms. It didn't take long for them to get checked in and arrive in their room. Severide had requested a sea-view and in no time they were on their private balcony staring along the beach towards the distant outline of Diamond Head and the spreading orange and pink sunset beyond. The warm breeze caressed their skin as they stood there in the clothes they'd travelled in. Severide raised a hand and gently stroked Casey's arm, enjoying the quiet moment and the beautiful surroundings.

"Do you mind if I go lie down?" Casey half whispered. His face was weary but happy.

"Sure, let's get some rest," Severide agreed.

"You don't mind? You don't wanna go for some dinner or anything?"

"No, kinda figured we wouldn't be up for much tonight after all the travelling," Severide answered. "We'll do some exploring tomorrow, yeah?"

"Sounds good."

A few hours later Severide was still awake and was reading whilst Casey drifted in and out of sleep, restless and fitful. Suddenly he realised that Casey was watching him with his intense eyes and a soft smile on his face as he drank in Severide's features. "What you thinking about?" Severide frowned a little, but grinned at Casey's thoughtful expression at the same time.

"Are you happy?" he questioned quietly.

"Right now, yeah." Severide smiled at him.

"Are you happy with me?" he reworded his question.

"Course I am," Severide replied, like the question was completely out of the blue.

"It's been seven months," he spoke.

"Yeah..." Severide nodded.

"It's been seven months since we had sex," he spoke again.

"Yeah, guess it has," Severide said airily, as if he hadn't realised it had been so long, but Casey knew otherwise and he felt like less of a man because of it.

"I'm s..." Casey started to apologise but he was cut off immediately.

"Matt, I love you. Stop overthinking and go to sleep, we've got lots of exploring to do tomorrow, you need your energy." Severide closed his book and dimmed the bedside light a little. He shuffled down in the bed so he could get his arms around Casey, he pulled him close and soon felt him relax into his hold, breathing deeply as he fell back into a more peaceful sleep.

* * *

They visited the Cultural Centre and the Arizona Memorial during their first few days on the island, but except for Casey's visits to the hospital in Honolulu for dialysis most of their time was spent on the beach, or by the hotel pool. Casey had gotten to grips with walking on the sand fairly quickly, Severide always remained next to him in case he faltered or fell. On their first beach venture Casey had refused to take off his t-shirt, too self-conscious about the huge scar down his front. Severide insisted that no one was going to notice it, that his arms and abs would be too much of a distraction, and in the end Casey removed the shirt. They both wore board shorts even though Casey had no intention of venturing into the ocean just yet, but Severide carried his crutches with them in case Casey suddenly decided he wanted to swim or just walk in the surf.

Casey had been fast asleep on a sunbed on the private beach that belonged to their hotel, he was woken by the sensation of something cold on his chest. "What are you doing?" he muttered, squinting against the blinding sunlight.

"Your fair Irish skin is gonna burn," he heard Severide say as he continued to slather sun cream onto his chest.

"Put some on this morning," Casey replied tiredly, still waking up.

"You need more on," he told Casey, "It's gone midday."

"It lasts twelve hours..."

"Just lie still and let me do this will ya?" Severide insisted with a smile as he continued to massage the sunblock over Casey's upper chest and shoulders, relaxing and soothing him. Casey sat up so Severide could reach his back, and once that was done he took the bottle from Severide and was about to start rubbing the contents over Severide's back.

"Don't bother Matty, I won't turn into a red lobster like you."

Casey had been about to reply when he caught sight of a young boy staring at him, a huge smile was on his face. Casey grinned back at the boy but he turned away, tugging at his mother's skirt. "Mom, mom…" he said, "Look... it's Iron Man..."

The child looked back at Casey, still smiling. "Don't stare," his mom spoke as they walked by.

"It's fine," Casey told her quickly, not wanting the boy's curiosity to land him in trouble.

She stopped in front of their sunbeds, shielding her eyes from the sun with one hand. "Sorry about that," she apologised.

"Honestly, it's fine," Casey told her. He smiled at the little boy, "I guess it does make me like Iron Man, and it is much stronger than my old leg."

"It's awesome," the child exclaimed as he stared down at Casey's prosthetic leg. "You're a superhero."

The mother just smiled and led the child away down to the sea edge. Severide glanced at Casey, whose eyes were still fixed on his prosthetic. Severide smiled at him. "Iron Man, huh? I like that. Got myself a little superhero."

* * *

Much of Casey's time was spent sleeping. He tired easily and despite drifting in and out of sleep on the sunbed he needed to take a nap before they went out for dinner in the evenings. At first Casey had been anxious about eating out because of his restricted diet and all the unknown ingredients in the food, after the first few nights he was far more at ease though, but they had ended up going to the same restaurant where he ate virtually the same meal each time. Severide understood Casey's worries and so he never asked to go anywhere different, he didn't question Casey's needs or make an issue of them.

Casey was fast asleep with his head resting on Severide's tanned chest as they lay on the couch with the balcony doors open, the warm breeze drifted through their room. The heat and humidity had made it a challenge for Casey to keep himself adequately hydrated but other than a few headaches he had done well. Severide smiled down at him as he woke up.

"Hey..." Casey murmured.

Severide grinned and ran a hand through Casey's hair. "You've gone so blond. Beach baby..."

He pulled away, still smiling. "Stop it…"

"Come here and kiss me… beach baby…" Severide was cut off as Casey leant down and kissed him on the lips.

They lay there for a while longer in a peaceful embrace until it was broken by Casey suddenly shifting position, he managed to dig his arm into Severide's front as he tried to stop the painful cramps in his left leg. Severide grunted, frowning. "Ugh… don't press down. I need a piss..." He pushed Casey gently to the side and got up to head for the bathroom.

"Enjoy," Casey stated flatly as he watched Severide.

He turned his head towards Casey. "Hey, if you miss it that much you can come and watch..." A wicked grin crossed his face.

"Kinky," came Casey's response, but he didn't get up.

* * *

One morning a couple of days later Casey and Severide were lazing around on the hotel sunbeds by the sea front, Casey had a book on his lap but his eyes were staring out at the waves a couple of hundred yards away. Severide watched him for a few moments before he spoke. "Wanna go in? We can just walk along the shore?" Severide suggested, following Casey's gaze.

Casey just shrugged, his face betrayed his doubt.

"Give it a go, yeah? Nothing to lose and all that..."

"Not sure how stable I'll be, I can't really get this too wet," Casey said, looking down at his prosthetic.

"I'll be right next to you." Severide offered him a huge grin, hoping it would be enough to persuade him. Casey grinned back and started to take off his leg, he shook the sand out of it as he did. He tucked it under the sunbed and got up onto his crutches. Severide hovered right by him as he made his way to the shoreline.

Casey took it slowly to start with, without his prosthetic it was much harder to stabilise himself on the soft sand, but his confidence grew until his right crutch sank in about half a foot and he toppled over onto the soft surface, laughing as he did. Severide had been right next to him and toppled over with him as he'd tried to keep Casey upright. They both lay in a tangled heap on the white sand. After a lot of laughter and some cursing they managed to get up and head for the water's edge. Casey managed to stay upright this time, the firm sand was much easier to walk on, and Severide just followed behind him with his phone in his hand as Casey walked through the gentle surf.

"You're looking good, Matt," Severide called out to him.

Casey stopped and carefully turned around on his crutches. "You better not be filming me." He shot a teasing look at Severide. It had taken a lot of effort for him to persuade Severide not to film any of his physiotherapy sessions in the first few months, but he was just so proud of Casey and he'd wanted to capture the moments and still did.

"Just photos I swear. You need to pose… although I do just love shots of your ass." Severide grinned.

"You are obsessed with ass." He laughed.

"Obsessed with your ass," Severide corrected him.

"Better not tag me in anything," he warned as he turned and started moving onwards.

"You look hot," Severide commented, slipping his phone back into the waterproof body belt he wore.

"I'm making a rule," Casey began firmly. "No tagging me, or even posting anything if I don't have a top on, and no shots below the waist... ok?"

Severide halted briefly and watched Casey for a few moments, wishing so much that Casey could see himself just as he saw him. "No promises," Severide said quietly, before catching up with Casey again.

* * *

Late one night, almost half way through the vacation, Severide had awoken thirsty and got up to get a drink. He could hear the sound of fireworks in the distance and he pulled back the curtains. Beautiful patterns of colour were cascading across the dark sky, accompanied by explosions of light and sound. Severide sat on the bed as he sipped his drink, he watched Casey, hoping he would remain peacefully asleep as the fireworks continued, but the noise had woken him up and he stirred.

"Kel?"

"It's all right baby, just fireworks," Severide told him softly.

"Thought we'd done July 4th..." Casey muttered into his pillow. The evening of Independence Day had been spent in Severide's arms with his eyes scrunched shut against the images in his head.

"Come and have a look at them, they are amazing," Severide encouraged, he thought it might help him.

"'K then…" he responded, still muffled by the pillow. He pushed himself up in the bed and grabbed his crutches.

For a while they sat out in the warm breeze on the balcony and watched the display. Casey flinched now and then at the loud jarring bangs, but he was smiling once the bright colours and light were streaming across the night sky over Waikiki.

By the time the fireworks had finally died down Casey had become thoughtful, he turned to Severide but didn't speak. "What?" Severide asked eventually, shaking his head, but smiling.

"Thanks for putting up with me," Casey said quietly.

"Ah, well, if I didn't you'd be all alone and miserable, and I'm all for charity and all that…" Severide teased him.

"We haven't done much other than a little exploring and a lot of sitting around in the sun." He shrugged a little. "What d'you wanna do? Don't tell me that whatever I want is fine. We're here for you as well."

"Well, I did think I could take advantage of my scuba certificate," Severide told him.

"I'll do it with you," he said, smiling.

"Yeah?" Severide grinned, happy to hear Casey actually felt up to making the effort to do this with him.

"Yeah," he nodded. "I've not done it since the course we did..." A frown made its way onto his face. "I'm sure I can swim with one leg."

Severide grinned. "Let's chuck you in the pool first before you go jumping into the middle of the ocean. Don't fancy rescuing you."

"If I was drowning, you wouldn't rescue me?"

"I'd think twice about it," he teased. "But I would probably end up dragging you out of the water, I don't want to face any sort of manslaughter charges."

* * *

The next day Severide watched Casey in the hotel pool, he couldn't stop smiling as Casey swam lengths, probably because he too had a grin on his face.

"It's easier than walking," Casey exclaimed when he paddled by the edge of the pool.

"Ty's gonna say 'I told ya so' when you get back and tell him, he was trying to get you to go to those swimming sessions for months," Severide told him.

"I liked swimming before. I wanted to keep it as just fun, I didn't want to ruin it by turning it into rehab..." He tried to give an explanation, deep down he really just hadn't wanted to go because they were group sessions and he was avoiding any sort of groups as much as possible.

"Yeah." Severide nodded. "I get that."

Once Casey had swam in the sea a couple of times they booked in for a diving session. They hired the equipment they needed and were soon off out into the ocean on a small boat, there was another couple of people who would be diving plus the boats skipper who knew the best spots. Casey only dived the once, he may have said that swimming was easier than walking but it wasn't much less exhausting, and he had done no diving since the course he took with the CFD. He was more than happy to sit at the end of the boat, his left leg dipped into the water as he watched Severide, the man had a smile on his face every time he surfaced. Casey was glad he'd made sure Severide had chosen to do something for himself.

"You enjoy that? You don't mind that you didn't get to do much?" Severide said once he was back on the boat deck, a bottle of water in his hand.

"It was brilliant, honestly." Casey smiled. "I didn't think I'd…"

"Didn't think you'd..?"

He shook his head and smiled at the thought. "Didn't think I'd ever do anything like that, like this…" He looked down at his bare residual limb.

"You will make anything possible, I know you will." Severide smiled back. "You'll run again, even if it's just up the block, you'll find a way."

He looked at Severide, he always loved his optimism, they seemed to balance each other out. "Maybe."

* * *

As they got ready to go out for dinner that night Casey was sitting on the bed in their hotel room, waiting for Severide who was still in the bathroom, only half dressed. "Kel?" Casey called.

Severide stuck his head out of the open ensuite door, "Yeah... you ok?"

"I don't want to lose my other leg," he announced, prompting Severide to step out of the bathroom.

"What do you mean?"

"What the doctor said... it's been playing on my mind for the last few weeks, but like I said then, I don't want to lose it. I worked hard to get where I am now and I've been swimming and diving. I can do it all just fine. I'm walking without the crutches most of the time, no one was even sure that was gonna happen. The massages are helping with the pain, and it's not like they can amputate my pelvis so there will always be some pain every now and then... so I don't want to lose my other leg," he told him. "I just thought I'd tell you since I'm trying to be open about everything…"

"Ok," Severide answered.

"That's it? That's all you're gonna say?"

"Glad you're telling me everything." Severide smiled and wiped his face with the small hand towel he'd been holding.

"Erm… there's another thing then…" Casey began cautiously, and when he had Severide's attention he continued. "Got a call a couple of days before we went out here. It was from Chief Thomas, you know from the…"

"From the academy," Severide finished for him.

"Yeah." He nodded. "Well, he asked if I wanted to teach a class twice a week, classroom based, starting at the end of September, see how it goes and maybe do some more."

"You said yes?"

He nodded again. "It's never what I wanted to do, or what I want to do now, but… but it might help my head a little." He let out a huff of laughter because talking about the issues he had was always going to be uncomfortable for him.

"What do you want to do?" Severide asked.

"I don't know, I want to work," he told him. "I think getting my construction business up and running again would be great, but that would involve being able to…"

"Why don't you get some help?" Severide suggested. "Hire someone to work under you?" he added before Casey could give it much thought.

"Truth is, I always liked doing it on my own and, also, I probably can't afford to pay someone else. Not right away."

Severide nodded his understanding. "Well, I'm pleased you've got this teaching opportunity. Reckon it'll be a good thing."

"Yeah, me too." He smiled, but Severide was on his way back to the bathroom now and didn't see the look of doubt in his eyes.

* * *

Casey had wanted to go hiking, Severide had been dubious about the idea but he could never say no to Casey, and he'd agreed to use his crutches. It took them twice as long as it would have taken them if Casey were fit and healthy but they managed it, they got to the top of Diamond Head.

Casey sat down, he was out of breath, hot and sweating, but he was smiling broadly. "I say we nap for a few hours, then walk down."

"Here..." Severide passed a bottle of water.

He took a few sips of the water as he looked around at the view, you could see the vast ocean all the way to the horizon, the sky was clear and beautiful. "You can see why people move here, away from cities, it's peaceful here, and I'm not pointing out scenes we've attended and accidents we've witnessed, it's nice."

"I'm sure if we were here for long enough we'd get into some sort of trouble, or you would at least..." Severide laughed.

"Me?" he said, shocked. "You get into way more trouble than I do!"

"Matt, you started a brawl."

"That was... what? More than three years ago. And it wasn't exactly my fault, and haven't exactly got into any trouble since then…"

"Yeah 'cause I keep steering you away from damsels in distress."

Casey grinned. "Are you jealous of damsels in distress? You're the only damsel for me. Don't you worry your pretty little head about it, Kelly Severide."

It took some time for them to walk down, Casey had to stop every so often to catch his breath and sit down, the heat didn't help, nor did the, now rubbed, skin on his residual limb. He was actually looking forward to getting his new prosthetic, they'd had to change the liner several times to help this one fit as his leg had changed shape over the last few months, but the liners only helped with the fit so much.

* * *

Casey was sprawled flat on his back on the bed after his bath that evening, he didn't have the energy to shower, really, he hadn't had the energy to bathe but Severide had been a tremendous help as usual. He heard the shower stream stop and heard Severide return to their bedroom but he didn't see him until he was sitting on the bed beside him, smiling down at him, he felt Severide's warm hands start to massage his legs, taking care to be gentle, he even dug out the massage cream from the nightstand to help ease the aches and pains Casey felt in his legs and pelvis.

Severide stood up and grinned down at Casey's naked body. "Look at you all displayed and vulnerable."

"Think you'll just have to have your way with me..." He smiled tiredly up at Severide.

"Oh yeah?" Severide said questioningly, curious to know whether Casey truly meant what he was saying.

"Well…" he began, the heat he felt in his groin had not gone since Severide had stopped massaging. "I think you're gonna have to."

"I'll be gentle, tell me if you want me to stop, ok?" Severide quickly straddled Casey's lower half.

"I don't want you to stop." He smiled.

Severide grinned. "I've not started yet."

He paused for a moment. "Do we even have any…"

"Condoms and lube?" Severide nodded. "Back in a sec."

Casey remained on his back on the bed. His heart was fluttering in his chest. His cock had fully hardened. He was excited and a little nervous, wondering how well he'd actually be able to perform, he knew there was going to be pain but he wanted to please Severide. He wanted to show him how grateful he was, wanted to show him that he loved him, even though Severide kept insisting he didn't need to have sex with him to show him that. He wasn't entirely convinced Severide was going to get much pleasure out of this, he was sure, like with most things nowadays, that Severide would end up doing most of the work.

Severide was careful and gentle, he took his time even though he felt like he was going to burst, he didn't want to hurt Casey but he'd seen his pelvic x-rays, he'd seen the damage done by the building falling on top of him, and it had healed as well as it ever could. He used a generous amount of lube, probably over generous. Three fingers and Casey let out a painful gasp. "I'll stop," Severide said immediately, sitting back.

"No… keep going."

He let out another groan of pain at four fingers but he relaxed into it and spread his legs a little wider, he began moving his hips in time with Severide's movements and then suddenly there was pure bliss.

"Good, baby?" Severide questioned as he leant down and kissed him.

"So good…" he muttered when their lips parted.

When Severide entered him he bit his lip to stop from crying out, but soon his moans of pain turned into moans of pleasure, and he let go of the tight grip he had on Severide's shoulders. Severide let out his own groan as he released his blissful load.

Severide grinned. "Forgot how much I love the noises you make when you moaning in pleasure." He lay beside Casey, still reeling with his own ecstasy.

"Kelly…" he breathed, exhausted and exhilarated. "Thank you."

Severide was still grinning, he just shook his head.


	19. Water Rescue

Over a month had passed since their vacation in Hawaii and fall was approaching quickly now, with it came milder weather. Something that Casey was grateful for, although he was finally finding it much easier to maintain a balanced and steady hydration level. Soon he would be teaching classes at the academy, the prospect was both worrying him, yet making him happy at the same time.

Severide was woken by an insistent bleeping sound late one night. He peeled his eyes open and glanced over at the nightstand, he was wide awake immediately and quickly grabbed at Casey's arm.

"Kel…" Casey just groaned into his pillow and tried to roll away.

"Your beeper is going off," Severide announced.

"Huh?" he said blearily, clearly not having registered what Severide was saying.

"You're getting a kidney," Severide enthused.

"I'm getting a kidney?"

"C'mon, let's get to the hospital."

* * *

They arrived at the nephrology unit in the hospital less than half an hour later. They walked up to the front desk, Severide had a huge grin on his face, whilst Casey looked somewhat nervous.

"Hi, we're…" Casey began but Severide's enthusiasm got the best of him.

"We're here for a kidney," he blurted out.

The receptionist smiled at them both. "Ah, Matthew Casey?"

"Yeah." Casey nodded, his own enthusiasm was dampened for several reasons. Firstly, he realised he was here now because someone had died. Secondly, it wasn't as simple as just turning up and getting a kidney, it was far more complicated than that. And thirdly, he was scared, but he would never ever admit that to anyone, he hardly even admitted that to himself.

"Ok, if you'd like to sit in the waiting area, the doctor will be with you shortly for some tests," the clerk explained.

Casey just nodded and thanked her.

It wasn't too long before Casey was sat on a hospital bed wearing a pale blue gown. His doctor had been and spoken to him, and now there was a medical student trying to get some vials of blood. She looked up at Casey apologetically. "Sorry about this…"

He shook his head. "S'fine. Back of my wrist is usually a little easier."

"You could have told me that before I started sticking you." She smiled at him in amusement.

Casey shrugged. "You're a student, figured you needed the practice." He grinned at her.

"Well, thanks..." She laughed. She stuck a band-aid over the needle site on his arm then prepped the back of his wrist for a blood draw. She took a couple of vials of blood then read his temperature.

"What is it?" he asked when he saw the look on her face as she glanced down at the thermometer.

"You have a fever," she told him, her face serious. "Could be nothing though. We need to get your blood results."

"I feel fine?"

"It's only slight, like I said, it could be nothing." She smiled at him, trying to be optimistic for him. "Your doctor will be back as soon as we get the results, won't be long, they're going to be rushed through."

Casey just nodded and lay back on the bed as the young woman took the vials of blood away. Severide took his hand. "It's probably nothing, Matt. You don't feel sick, do you?"

He shook his head. "I feel fine."

"Well the blood tests will show that, and then you'll be getting a new kidney." Severide grinned. "All right? Maybe you just have a higher body temperature than average."

"Yeah, maybe." He didn't sound convinced.

Less than forty minutes later Casey's nephrologist came into the small room. The sombre look on his face told them that something was wrong. He simply shook his head. "I'm sorry, Matt. You have an infection, you don't feel ill yet because it's in the incubation period. I'm sorry. The surgery's just too risky right now. We'll put you on a course of antibiotics but…"

"But it won't clear it up in time for the kidney to be viable." Casey nodded, already resigned to the fact that he wouldn't be getting the kidney. "Least someone else can get it, right?"

"Yeah," the doctor answered. "They're on their way in now."

"Good," he said, not really looking at the man, he could feel Severide holding his hand but he was barely aware of it. "Can I go home then?"

The doctor nodded and smiled thinly. "I'll go and get the antibiotics, then you can go."

"I have loads at…"

"These are different ones, Matt. They're stronger and more specific."

"Oh, right, thanks," Casey responded quietly, watching as the doctor went out of the room.

* * *

Back at the apartment they both trudged inside, both silently struggling with what had happened. Severide could only offer platitudes and he knew Casey well enough, knew that he wouldn't want or need to hear those, that he'd rather hear nothing. So he said nothing. They headed straight for bed but neither of them were able to sleep properly. They woke frequently, each knowing the other was awake but neither wanted to talk, neither knew quite what to say.

The sun was rising when Severide eventually turned over to see Casey, he gently touched his soft hair. "Are you still awake?"

Casey turned slowly to face him, he moved into his arms.

"You ok?" Severide asked him softly.

"Just thinking."

Severide felt Casey's warm breath on his bare chest. "Thinking what?"

"Do you think maybe one day... one day we could have a family? Adopt or something? When I'm not sick."

Severide hadn't expected that but he wasn't at all disappointed at the question, in fact, just the opposite. "That would make me the happiest man on earth," he replied, pulling Casey even closer to him.

"Me too." Casey sighed, stroking the strong arm that was wrapped around him.

"Kelly Severide married with kids. Don't reckon anyone will see that coming," he said with a grin.

"Married?" Casey questioned, shifting so he could look into Severide's face. "That a proposal?"

"Maybe." Severide's eyes were mischievous now.

"Only maybe?" he repeated.

"Do you want it to be a proposal?" Severide smiled.

"I know I want to spend the rest of my life with you, Kelly Severide."

* * *

It took Casey around a week to stop feeling down about the kidney. In a way, he felt like he'd let Severide down, he had been so happy and eager, whereas Casey had tried to resign himself to the fact that he would never get one and be able to live without dialysis. And being ill didn't help him. Despite the doctor's best efforts he had developed a hacking cough, along with severe headaches and nausea, and it was lasting much longer than normal because of his supressed immune system. Severide often half-joked that he should walk around with a mask on, or even better, that he should live inside a bubble. His illness seemed to drag on for weeks, but it did finally clear and he began to feel a little better as the days passed.

They were clearing away dinner one evening, Severide announced that they were going out and Casey wasn't allowed to object or refuse to go. A mystified Casey was taken to a community hall in their area. "What are we doing here?" he questioned when Severide pulled up in the parking lot outside the building.

Severide just smiled at the quizzical look on Casey's face. "You'll see in a minute."

They got out of the car and steadily walked the few metres into the hall. Severide had always feared rushing Casey and making him overbalance but that hadn't happened for quite some time.

As they stepped into the main hall, a broad man in a wheelchair headed over to them, smiling. "Hey," he greeted. "You must be Casey. I'm Evan."

"Matt's just fine," Casey replied with a smile, taking the hand Evan had extended to him.

"Wanna join in?" Evan asked, glancing back at the others.

He hesitated. "Think I'll just watch, if that's ok?"

"Sure," Evan smiled up at him.

Severide looked over to the benches at the side. "You gonna be all right sitting on…"

"I'll be fine," Casey replied swiftly, already going over to sit down. They watched until there was a short break half way through the friendly match so the players could have a drink or use the facilities.

Evan wheeled over to them. "What d'ya think, Matt?" he quizzed Casey as he took a long drink of the Gatorade in his hand.

"Impressive." Casey nodded. "Takes a lot of skill, and guts."

"Want to have a go?" Evan asked eagerly. "Just dribbling the ball? The chairs are very supportive, you'd be welcome to use Petersons..."

"Maybe another time, I was never that great at basketball." Casey smiled, shaking his head at the recollection.

"We meet twice a week," Evan went on to explain. "If you want you can come half an hour beforehand and have a practice, I'll show you the basics?"

"Sounds great, doesn't it, Matt?" Severide commented.

"Erm… sure, ok." Casey nodded, unsure of what he was getting himself into, but encouraged by Evan's friendly attitude.

"So, next Tuesday, around 6:30pm?"

"Ok fine, see you then." Evan shook hands with the two of them and turned back to the other players. Casey could see Severide still smiling from the corner of his eye. "You happy? You organised a little playdate for me?"

"You're gonna ace this basketball thing and you'll end up at the Olympics," Severide said, grinning.

"Right… I think I'm just gonna aim to not embarrass myself," he scoffed. "No videoing allowed."

"Damn, was gonna try and go viral with you failing," Severide teased.

"Failing?" he exclaimed. "I thought you wanted me to go the Olympics?"

"Yeah, yeah, but you're gonna fail first." Severide was still smiling.

"You have so much faith me." He laughed, already forgiven Severide for almost forcing plans upon him.

"You know I do really."

* * *

The following Monday, Casey came into their apartment looking tired, and annoyed too. Severide was in the lounge reading and immediately spoke as Casey closed the door behind him. "How was it then?"

"It was fine," he replied flatly as he set his keys down on the side.

Severide stood up and made his way over to him. "No, it wasn't?"

"No...." He slowly shook his head. "It wasn't."

"What happened?" Severide questioned, taking his arm gently.

"Nothing." He just brushed past Severide and made his way to the couch.

Severide's brows rose in disbelief. "Nothing?"

"Nothing," he repeated, sighing as he sat down on the couch. He went on. "I sat in a damn classroom for two hours, speaking about the importance of equipment maintenance the entire time, while twenty-five would-be firefighters snickered, took notes and looked at my legs every so often. It was boring as hell... I barely did anything, if that's how it's gonna be from now on…"

"Those twenty-five would-be firefighters will be real firefighters one day, with your help and guidance, and they'll go and save lives," Severide pointed out, sitting down next to Casey.

"Yeah, yeah, I know…"

"What's your topic for next week?" Severide asked enthusiastically.

Casey's face broke into a grin. "The different types of nozzles and hoses."

Severide laughed. "That was a very boring class."

"Think you fell asleep." He smiled at the memory.

"Well, you could try and make it more interesting than the guy we had…"

"Oh yeah?" he said with disbelief. "How is anyone supposed to make that topic interesting?"

Severide shrugged. "Try throwing in some rescue stories… but maybe skip the melted flesh…" They both chuckled a little at that thought.

Casey was still smiling when Severide suddenly jumped up.  
  
"Shit!" he cursed loudly, heading at top speed for the kitchen.  
  
Casey twisted around on the couch. He could just see Severide pulling open the oven door and taking something out. He came back over carrying a tin in oven mitt-clad hands.

"I made cake... kinda." Severide grinned.

"You sure it's cake?" Casey laughed. "Looks like it's been through the burn building."

"Well, it started off in life as a cake... for you, first day back at work celebration cake." Severide nodded.

Casey was still staring down at the tin's contents with a smile on his face. "Maybe the middle isn't so burnt..."

* * *

September soon became October and fall was upon them. Casey tried out the wheelchair basketball and found that he enjoyed it, but he felt more tired than ever. He continued teaching a couple of classes a week at the academy, which exhausted him even further. His doctor had put it down to his unresolved anaemia. The best treatment would be a regular erythropoietin shots but having been told the risks Casey had decided he didn't want them. Severide had started to think he would soon change his mind, in fact, he hoped he would because the simplest of tasks were exhausting him and he was struggling more and more as time went by.

Severide's shift had overrun by three hours so he had expected Casey to be up and about when he got home, but the apartment was quiet so he crept into the bedroom. The window was still blacked out by the blinds and the lamp on the nightstand was still lit. Casey was lying on his left hand side snuggled beneath the bed cover.

"Matty?" he questioned softly.

"Mmm..." Casey barely acknowledged Severide's presence.

"You gettin' up? It's almost lunch time," Severide informed the tufts of blond hair poking out from under the bed covers.

"Tired…" Casey croaked in response.

"Didn't sleep last night?" he asked, opening the nightstand drawer and taking out the thermometer. He moved the bed covers a little and slipped it into Casey's mouth despite the glare of protest.

"Not sick..." Casey mumbled around the intrusion. "Just tired."

"Matty, it's the middle of the day, you're not usually this exhausted," Severide told him. He heard the beep and pulled the thermometer from Casey's mouth. He frowned when he saw Casey didn't have the slightest fever.

"Told ya," Casey responded Severide's silence.

"Well, since you're not sick you can get out of bed," he retorted with an air of authority.

"Kel... just let me sleep..."

"Did you get up yesterday?" Severide asked, still insistent, pulling the bed cover further away, hoping to force him out of bed.

Casey just weakly grabbed back at the covers, pulled them back then rolled onto his front.

"Have you eaten whilst I've been gone?"

"Oh, fuck off, Kelly…"

Severide was used to Casey's mood swings and wasn't put off. "Matt, please, Matty…"

"Later…" he groaned.

Severide was worried but guessed it was Casey's anaemia that was the problem, and it only seemed to be getting worse. It worried him more than he cared to admit to Casey. How would he manage when he was on his own when Severide was on shift? How would he manage to get to his dialysis sessions? How would he cope with teaching at the academy? How would he manage to do his physiotherapy sessions? There were so many questions and no real answers.

* * *

From that point on Casey started to use his crutches far more, and soon he was using his chair again because he was becoming short of breath. He felt too weak to stand up for long periods of time. But like always, Casey was stubborn and kept on with the teaching, and he struggled through his weekly physiotherapy sessions with Ty, who tried to encourage him to see his doctor because he was feeling faint too regularly for anyone's liking. Eventually Casey gave up with the basketball because he'd started to suffer with chest pains, prompting Severide to urge him, once again, to see his doctor but Casey knew what the doctor would say. Whenever possible Severide would take him to and from the academy, but on occasion he was forced to drive himself very carefully there and back, it worried Severide that something might happen to him whilst he was out and about on his own, but on most days Casey struggled to even get out of bed. His exhaustion was making him miserable, although he was making a huge effort not to show it and not to take anything out on Severide.

In the hope of lifting Casey's spirits a little Severide got them a couple of Blackhawks tickets and passed them to Casey when he had opened up the mail. It did make Casey smile briefly. "Opening game?" he asked, taking them from Severide as he sat at the table and looked through the rest of the mail.

"Thought you'd like that," Severide returned his smile.

"I do, they're brilliant…" but Casey's smile became a frown as he read the tickets. "They're disabled tickets?"

"They're good seats," Severide responded, a little taken aback by Casey's reaction.

"I don't want a disabled seat."

"Matt, you know how many steps are in the stadium…" Severide spoke cautiously. "You're exhausted at the best of times and you can't get up and down like you used to…"

He shook his head, still looking down at the tickets in his hand. "I don't want to go."

"You're just saying that because…"

He looked up. "I'm not disabled…" But as he spoke he looked over at his wheelchair and the crutches leaning on the wall next to it.

Severide was frowning at him. "Matt?"

"I just… I…" He was frowning now too. "I just never thought of it like that, I just… I thought…" He let out a heavy sigh and bowed his head into his hands. "God, I'm so stupid… of course I'm disabled… I have a freakin' blue sticker in my truck… I just thought… I just thought I was missing a leg… I didn't think… I…"

"Matt, look at me," Severide said softly, taking hold of Casey's arms, gently pulling his hands away from his face. His eyes were red rimmed as he stared at Severide.

"I can barely walk anymore," he said, distraught. "I didn't shower yesterday because I couldn't do it and you weren't here. Thought I was gonna collapse when I was in the bathroom. I could barely lift bed covers this morning…"

"Shh…" Severide soothed. "It's all right, it's all right, you're having tough time of it at the moment, but that's ok, you're allowed to struggle. But I think we need to talk to your doctor again, we need to sort this before it gets any worse, those shots could get everything back to normal for you." He was nodding persuasively. "What do you think?"

"Too risky." Casey shook his head. They had told him about the risks and possible side effects of the EPO shots and he didn't want anything to do with them.

"I know, Matt, I do, but I think it's worth the risk. You can't go on like this. You want your energy, and we really don't any complications from the anaemia, your heart could start struggling, you know that, and we really don't want that, do we?" Severide smiled at him.

* * *

Casey soon started having an erythropoietin injection once a week during a dialysis session, it would take two to six weeks to see if they improved his anaemia. It would stimulate the production of red blood cells which carried the oxygen around Casey's body and if all went well he would no longer feel so exhausted all the time, it would improve his quality of life. It had been two weeks since Casey's first EPO injection and he and Severide were spending a rare free day together, no dialysis, no work for either of them and no physiotherapy. With the cold weather closing now it was nearing November they took a boat out onto the lake, one Severide was fixing for mechanical faults, for the last time before spring.

"You've fixed this boat, right?" Casey asked, sitting on the side of the small boat as Severide got it ready to take out onto the water.

"I have tested it," he told Casey.

"On the water?" Casey said sceptically.

"This will be the water test run." He nodded.

"Uh huh, so if we get stranded in the middle of the lake I can blame you?"

"Don't trust my ability?"

Casey said nothing.

"I'll throw you overboard," Severide teased.

"And we both already know you'd have to rescue me so you're not charged with manslaughter." He smiled.

Severide smiled back at him, so pleased with how Casey was doing after what felt like such a long period of helping him get out of bed, dress and sometimes even helping him eat. He still found it astonishing how quickly the body could deteriorate from anaemia, something he used to think was something simple that could be solved with some iron supplements.

Casey stood up on the deck as the boat moved away from the dock, Severide couldn't help but smile, he loved being out on the water and loved it even more when Casey was with him. "Your coat looks good," he called to Casey. His new winter coat was getting its first outing today despite the mild temperature. Casey was bundled up with a hat and scarf as well, he'd always felt the cold more easily than Severide but now his body found it truly difficult to keep warm.

Casey turned and looked at him. "I make everything look good," he grinned.

"Hmm…" Severide said mockingly.

"Oh, come on, I make a hospital gown look good." He laughed, he turned back to the lake and took a double take. "Did you see that?"

"See what?" Severide said, lowering the engine to almost idle.

"Stop the boat," he called out.

Severide did. "What is it?"

"I'm not sure… wait…" He frowned, looking out into the water, Severide was now by his side. "It's a cat."

"That's not a cat, it's some sort of rat…" Severide announced as it swam closer.

"It's a kitten. Where the hell has it come from?"

"Hold me," Severide told him. Casey secured him whilst he bent overboard, putting his hands out waiting for the kitten to swim close enough to grab it and bring it on board.

"Kelly, there's another," he pointed out.

When both kittens were on board and wrapped in a blanket on Casey's lap Severide turned the boat around to take them back to the dock. Casey looked down at their tiny faces wondering how anyone could try and throw away such helpless animals, and prayed that these had been the only two, if not it meant someone had succeeded in drowning some and Casey couldn't bare that thought.

* * *

They were soon sat in the waiting room at the veterinary office. Casey hand was tapping anxiously on his leg, he turned to Severide. "Think they're going to be ok?"

"I don't know cats but they were breathing and moving so that's gotta be good, right?"

"Yeah..." Casey nodded. "That's got to be good."

"They are taken a long time with them though…" He eyed the door where the vet had taken the kittens through.

Casey shot him a look. "You're meant to be reassuring me."

Fifteen apprehensive minutes later and the vet appeared in front of them. "They're both fine, they're only a couple of days old and they're very malnourished but we'll get them well and then it should be easy to find them a home…"

"We'll keep them," Severide said quickly.

Casey smiled at him. "We will?"

"Do you want to?"

"Yeah." Casey nodded, grinning at the idea now.


	20. Pumpkin and Midnight

Casey was sitting on the floor, leaning back against the couch. Pumpkin was crawling all over him whilst the ball of fur that was Midnight slept soundly next to Severide on the couch. They'd been to the pet store and bought a large number of cat toys, several bowls, a litter tray, a climbing frame that looked like a castle, food and treats, as well as two plush beds. They had been well prepared for the kittens arrival at their new home after their stay at the vets, where they had been vaccinated and checked over to ensure they were healthy. For the first week Casey and Severide had needed to feed them by hand, and that was when they had finally decided on names, inspired by the fast approaching Halloween celebrations. The kittens soon started to eat on their own and had already gained some weight so they were looking much better.

"What are you doing?" Casey asked, craning his neck round when he heard papers rustling and shuffling.

"Erm…" he started hesitantly. "I'm looking at your insurance coverage…"

"Why? What's wrong? Thought everything was covered so far?" Casey frowned, looking worried. He had looked it all over himself to make sure he understood everything and knew exactly what was, and wasn't, being paid for.

"Yeah, but I was just wondering if we could get a better chair for you, that's all," he explained.

"Oh… am I crippled enough then?" Casey let out a small cynical laugh.

"It's a little complicated…" he said quietly, looking into Casey's face.

"Because I can walk sometimes?" He cracked a smile. "I'm just too lazy to do it all the time," he joked.

"Yeah... I think we just have to prove that you can't walk all the time, and that you need something more supportive... sorry... but with the anaemia making it so difficult for you to get out and about… sorry… I'll shut up now, you don't want me looking at all this?"

"It's fine." He shrugged. "Better chair would be nice." The standard issue chair didn't really meet his needs, nor was it very comfortable for longer periods of time.

"Yeah?" Severide grinned. "I was having a little look online the other day, you can get custom colours and all sorts," he said enthusiastically.

"Oh yeah? Fire truck red then?"

"Talk to Ty about it next week. He'll know what's best," Severide replied.

"Think I'll wait a while, it takes at least six weeks for the EPO to kick in. When it does I won't need a chair."

"Wouldn't it be good to just get it sorted though? You'll still need one sometimes," Severide pointed out.

"I hardly used it over the summer. Once the anaemia is sorted out I won't need it. I'm gonna make sure I never need it again."

There was a few moments silence before Severide spoke. "So, therapy was good yesterday then?" He smiled sensing Casey's positivity.

Casey nodded. This was the first time Severide had brought the subject up since Casey had started speaking to someone once a fortnight. "Yeah, yeah it was good," he said thoughtfully. "I can feel crappy about myself all I want, but I don't really want to and I don't want to drag you down too. I can be happy again. _I am happy_. Things could have been so much worse but it was just a leg and it happened almost a year ago. I can't keep dragging my ass and feeling sorry for myself. There's so much I can do, in fact not many things I can't do. I've adapted, and I'm not so tired anymore. I'm starting to feel better. Should have listened to the doctor's advice weeks back." He paused, thinking. "You were right. I'm way too stubborn for my own good sometimes..."

"Only sometimes?" Severide scoffed. "How about all the time?" There was a twinkle in his eyes as he spoke.

"You can't talk..." Casey teased back.

"You're really feeling better?" he asked seriously.

"You can't tell?"

"Well, you have been getting out of bed on your accord again, and showering and eating and…"

"Good enough clues for you?" Casey grinned.

"You should feel amazing in another few weeks then."

"I'm sure I will." He smiled. "Which is good 'cause these little guys are gonna get more and more active as the get older."

"You better not trip over one of them." Severide laughed.

"So little faith in me." He shook his head. "My leg is stronger than yours."

"Yeah, that one is..." Severide nodded to his right leg. "Not sure about your left."

"Next summer I'll be running with you," he said with an air of renewed confidence.

Severide just smiled, hoping it would be true.

* * *

When Severide arrived home from shift he slipped into the bedroom, avoiding three cat toys and a stray sock that lay on the floor. He went over to the bed where Casey still lay and sat down next to him. Casey turned his head towards him. "Morning…" he murmured, smiling.

Severide smiled when he saw a distinct lump moving under the comforter. "You're very pleased to see me then?" He grinned mischievously at Casey.

"Huh?" Casey muttered as Severide pulled the bed covers to one side.

"There's a kitten in the bed," he stated the obvious.

"Yeah." He nodded, still half asleep having been woken up several times in the night by two very demanding kittens. "She's been there all night. Midnight is in the closet."

"How did she end up in the bed?"

"I didn't put her here," Casey replied with a smile.

"We bought them two beds?"

"They do use them during the day," Casey responded. "Sometimes…"

Severide gently moved Pumpkin off Casey's chest and put her onto the pillow so he could get into the bed by Casey's side. "I've been replaced by a kitten..." he grumbled as he lay down and made himself comfy.

"Don't worry I prefer sleeping with a lot less hair."

"How was she yesterday?"

"Still keeps walking into things," Casey told him, looking at the ginger fur ball next to his head. "Got an appointment with the vet to get her checked out."

"Good. What about you? How you doing?"

"Ok. I got a class today."

"What time?"

"Eleven."

"I'll drive you there, get some groceries then pick you up? Couple of hours?"

"Sounds good," Casey nodded.

"Want anything?"

"We could make some Bolognese tonight?" Casey suggested.

"Well you could, yours is perfect."

"Dessert's down to you then."

Severide grinned. "So, microwave dessert it is then..."

"What are you doing tomorrow?" Casey asked after a moment.

Severide raised his eyebrows in surprise at Casey's sudden interest in what he would be doing the next day. "Taking you to the hospital, why?"

"Doesn't count, you do that all the time," he said. "You off to the boatyard or anything?"

"Wasn't planning on it, why?"

"Wanna go out for dinner?"

Severide grinned at Casey's question. "As in, like a date?"

"Yeah." He nodded. "I'm reinstating date night."

"In that case, Matthew Casey, I would be delighted to go out for dinner with you tomorrow night."

* * *

Dinner was a huge success although the kittens didn't agree. At all. Severide and Casey returned home to a huge mess. "It looks like a bomb site..." Severide commented as he stared around the living area.

"Bomb site?" Casey repeated incredulously.

"Sorry... bad reference."

Casey nodded. "Yeah…"

"Let's get this lot cleared up," he sighed, staring around at the mess. How two small kittens barely the size of his hands could cause such devastation he had no idea.

"I have a better idea." Casey grinned at him.

"You're gonna do it all? Sounds good to me..."

Casey shook his head, still grinning. "How does date night usually end?"

"I am not having sex with them watching," Severide said, eyeing the two kittens running around with some paper.

"They won't know what's going on!" he exclaimed, laughing as he took Severide's arm. "Come on. I have a lot of making up to do."

"You mean making out?" Severide grinned at his own twist on Casey's words.

"Hilarious," Casey said flatly as his eyes sparkled.

* * *

Everything was starting to look up, Casey had gotten into the swing of things with his teaching position, the EPO treatment was working and he hadn't felt this well in such a long time. On top of that he had received his new prosthetic and after a couple of minor adjustments he was now able to use it and take full advantage of the improvement from the last one. It had no cosmetic cover, he hadn't changed his mind over that, but it was very smart and sleek looking with matt chrome finish, and it had already started to make things easier for him.

"Matt, I am not walking up thirty-one flights of stairs if I don't have to," Severide insisted as they walked into the lobby of their apartment building. He was already heading over to the elevator.

"Just a few?" Casey was smiling, that smile Severide could never ever say no to.

"Fine," Severide conceded. "You just wanna show off with your new leg."

He nodded, grinning wildly. "My new leg is awesome, way more awesome than your two hairy fleshy legs put together."

"Way more awesome?" Severide repeated teasingly.

"I've had a long day," he excused himself with a small laugh.

Severide was staring at him, grinning. "I love it when you're happy." He moved close to Casey and kissed him, holding his arms around him and pulling him close.

"Get a room, faggots! This is a public lobby!"

Severide made no move to break apart but Casey did. He pulled away quickly, turning his head to see the speaker. One of the apartment block residents was standing nearby looking at them with disgust.

"This faggot could kick your ass, you prick…" Casey snarled as he stepped towards the smaller man.

"Matt…" Severide warned him, extending a hand and grabbing Casey's arm. The man got into the elevator and the doors closed. "What the hell was that?" he started.

Casey turned to face him. "Sorry, I don't know. I just..."

"C'mere." Severide smiled and pulled him into a hug. "Some people are dicks, and always will be."

"You didn't used to be so calm about it..." He shrugged.

"You did used to be calm about it," Severide pointed out.

Casey lowered his head, staring at the floor. "It's just that word…"

"I know, Matty." Severide nodded understandingly. "What do I always tell you about your dad?"

Casey looked up into Severide's eyes, he sighed. "That I should never have listened to him."

"Right. Now how many flights are we doing?"

"Three?" Casey questioned.

"Three sounds good."

* * *

Casey and Severide were sitting in a bar with Evan and a group of his friends. It was late but very busy. Casey was talking to Evan when he heard Severide guffaw loudly. "That's what she said…" he grinned

Casey just shook his head, laughing as well now. "Is that what you've gone back to now?"

The others were still laughing as Severide glanced at his watch. "Ok, guys, we gotta go. Both working tomorrow."

"You're teaching at the academy now, right? How's it going?" Evan asked Casey.

"Much better than I thought it would. Just classroom stuff at the moment," Casey replied.

"At the moment?" Evan smiled.

"Yeah." He nodded. "I'm gonna do some more, get involved with some of the drills once my blood count is back up, when I don't wanna sleep all the time, but I already feel really good, wouldn't have wanted to come out and do this a few weeks ago."

They bid their farewells and went out to Severide's car. "We should do that again," Casey said as he pulled the door closed. "Did you enjoy it?"

"Course I did. I enjoy anything if I'm with you," Severide told him with a heartfelt smile, he fired the ignition and pulled away from the parking lot.

"Ha… well in that case you should come with me to the hospital every other day." He laughed, teasing.

"Thought you didn't want me there all the time?"

"I'm joking..." Casey said, grinning. "You need to relax more..."

"That's great coming from you," he scoffed.

"Hey, I am laid back," Casey shot back, bringing a bemused expression to Severide's face.

"Sure... after alcohol or five of morphine..." he glanced at Casey, who by now had a slight frown.

"Talking about painkillers…" Casey said as he started rummaging in the dash compartment.

"Your leg?"

"Yeah..." Casey nodded, grabbing the Tylenol tablets with a trembling hand. In a matter of seconds they had fallen from his grip. He tried to reach down to them.

"Matt?" Severide looked over at him just in time to see him fall back into his seat.

Casey's body went scarily rigid before he began to shake violently, straining against the seatbelt that tried to hold him in place. His limbs flailed, smacking against the side of the car, slamming into anything solid in their path. A strangled animalistic noise came from his throat. His eyes had rolled backwards. Severide slammed on the brakes, narrowly avoiding being rear-ended by the vehicle behind, which honked madly at him as he pulled across the traffic to the road side. Casey had stopped convulsing and was slumped against the side window, his head lolling against his chest.

"Matty..." he muttered, well aware of what had just happened to him. "Oh god..."

There was so much blood. It was dripping thickly from Casey's mouth and down his chin onto his white shirt.

"Matt, can you hear me?" Severide questioned, quickly trying to judge Casey's state.

Nothing except a guttural groan escaped Casey's bloody lips. He couldn't speak, couldn't respond to the familiar voice that was penetrating the black fog blanking his mind. He couldn't grasp what was going on or where he was. But he knew Severide was there with him.

Severide quickly pulled back onto the road, made an illegal U-turn and headed at top speed to the hospital.  
  


* * *

  
  
Severide felt like he'd be waiting forever in the ER when one of the doctors finally came over to him. He stood as the man approached. "How is he doc?'"

"He's still postictal so he's pretty out of it right now. He's bitten through the left side of his tongue, hence all the blood. They're just about to repair the damage, it should fully heal," the doctor explained.

"What caused the seizure? The EPO?" Severide questioned.

"That's the most likely reason. We need to monitor him for a few hours but he won't be admitted unless his condition worsens."

"I told him the risks were worth it..." Severide said, almost to himself. "Can I see him yet?"

The doctor gave a nod and Severide followed him along to a small procedure room, where he left him with the gowned nurse who was attending to Casey. She smiled at Severide and explained what was happening. "He's awake now but we've given him a local," she told him as he walked over and pulled a chair up so he could sit by Casey.   
  
They had used a bite block to hold his tongue in place while it was stitched. Severide took his hand. His skin was pale and clammy, there was still dried blood around his mouth, on his chin and neck. Bruising had already formed on his body. Severide could only imagine how sore he would soon feel, and how frightening the whole experience must have been for him.

"You doing ok, Matt?" Severide asked clearly.

Casey blinked up at him slowly. Everything was fuzzy around the edges but not the usual narcotic fuzziness. This was nothing like floating on a cloud, instead he felt as if he was trying to wade through wet cement. They had explained to him what had happened and the nurse had made sure he was as comfortable as possible once she had injected the local anaesthetic. Luckily he couldn't feel much apart from some pulling and tugging as she sutured the bite wound.

Every so often a low noise left Casey's throat when he forgot he couldn't speak.  
  
"Shh... Matty, you gotta stop tryin' to talk." Severide grinned down at him.  
  
Casey tried to apologise.  
  
"Shh... quit it will you?"

Casey reached out a shaky hand to Severide, making a writing motion.

"There's a pad and pen right behind you," the nurse advised as she carried on with her work.

"Here, baby." Severide helped Casey take hold of the pen, and a few moments later he was looking down at an untidy childlike scrawl. "You had a seizure and you're worried about the kittens?" he questioned, smiling. Of course Casey was worried. "Listen, I'll send Shay over to check on them, ok?"

Casey managed to nod slightly with relief, as Severide stood up, giving his hand a squeeze.

"I'll be back, Matty," he said as he turned and disappeared from Casey's view.

"Nearly done, honey," the nurse soon said. "And don't be worried. Once the lidocaine wears off you'll be able to talk but your mouth will be sore for a while," she tried to reassure him without giving too much information all at once. "There we go." She smiled and removed the bite block from his mouth before clearing up the suture kit. She cleaned the blood from around his mouth, chin and neck. "Right, I'll be back to check on you soon but if you need anything, just press that call button."

Casey nodded and smiled a little as she left him on his own, his mouth was still numb, his body was sore and heavy and his mind still confused as to why this had happened. He drifted in and out of sleep for some time, woken when the curtain around his bed was pulled back and the nurse re-appeared, smiling at him comfortingly.

"Hi, Matt, you still doing ok?" she questioned.

He nodded silently.

"Need any painkillers?"

This time he shook his head a little.  
  
Suddenly the curtain was pulled back again and Shay appeared. She came straight to his side.

"Matt?" Shay said as she rushed over to him. "How are you? Are you ok? I should have brought you a shirt…"

"I'll dig out a scrub top." The nurse smiled down at Casey and disappeared.

"Where's Kelly?" she asked him.

Casey gave a small shrug.

She sat down on a stool next to him. "The kittens are fine," she reassured him.

"Tha…" he slurred.

"Get some rest, Matt," Shay said, looking down at his exhausted face. "I'll find Kelly..."

And she did find Severide. He was sat on a plastic chair in a deserted corridor nearby, elbows resting on his knees, head in his hands. He jumped as Shay placed a hand on his shoulder, taking a moment to come to his senses. "Hey... you're here?"

"You did call me," she said softly.

"Thanks. Did..."

"They're fine," she told him. "And Matt's fine as well. What are you doing out here?"

"Nothing." He shook his head and made to stand. But Shay was not convinced.

"Right…" she responded.

"He had a seizure, Shay. A damn seizure. Bit his own tongue. They're having to stitch it…" he told her, his voice distressed.

"I know, Kelly, I know," Shay replied, rubbing one hand in a circle on his back.

"My fault. I got him to have those EPO shots when he didn't even want them," he said sadly.

"Matt knew the risks, Kelly. And right now he's alone, probably in pain, and sore and tired. And you should be with him."

"He has every right to..." Severide began but was stopped mid-sentence.

"To what? Blame you? You two are as bad as each other. He's not gonna blame you."

"Can you stay over tonight?" Severide asked her. "I did speak to the doctor again, I've not just been hiding in this corridor, Matt definitely doesn't need to be admitted, but I'd feel better if you were with us tonight."

"Of course I will. Come on, we need to get back to him."

They returned to Casey's ER bay and the nurse was back with him, talking to him and explaining in more detail now he was more able to take it in. "Those stitches will dissolve so no need to come back. You're going to feel sore for a little while. Your body will ache like hell and you'll have some crazy bruising but that's all normal. As for eating we'd usually say a liquid diet for a couple of days, but in your case I'm gonna say nothing acidic and only soft food, ok?'

Casey just nodded. The lidocaine had worn off now and his tongue felt twice the size it should be.

"Ok, open your mouth for me, just wanna check its stopped bleeding... right. It looks fine. You're all set to go. I'll just go get the doc to sign you out, got any questions?"

"Do we need to keep waking him up. Or can he sleep?" Severide quizzed.

"Don't you dare keep waking me…" Casey managed to say, speaking carefully and quietly, making sure he could be understood.

"Yeah, he can just sleep." She looked to Casey. "And you're probably gonna want to sleep a lot more over the next twenty-four hours or so, that's completely normal."

* * *

Casey spent the following day in bed recovering from the seizure. Severide called into work for him to let them know what had happened. Fortunately they didn't make an issue of it. He'd also called Boden and asked for his shift off the next day. Shay had left for her shift in the morning but he needed to stay with Casey, he was worried how far this would set him back and he couldn't risk leaving him alone, especially since he had a dialysis session, and so far he hadn't eaten or even got out of bed since they'd returned home.

It took Casey thirty-six hours to recover enough to be able to make an appearance. Severide was sitting on the couch eating a bowl of cereal when Casey came into the living area. He looked tired but he had his prosthetic on so Severide realised he wasn't simply going to go back to bed. "Hey, Matt, you're up?" Severide smiled.

Casey cleared his throat and tested out his voice, but just as the nurse had told him although his tongue felt very sore he was able to speak mostly coherently. "I could lie around and feel sorry for myself but I think I've done that to death already, and I'm not gonna self-destruct." He paused. "I'm gonna have a bath then I'm gonna eat some breakfast and go for a walk, you coming?"

"Into the bath? Yes." Severide smiled.

"For the walk," he corrected. "You're not sharing my bath."

Severide frowned. "I'm not sharing your bath?"

"Nope."

"Nope?"

Casey just grinned teasingly. "You've got to earn it."

"Earn it?" Severide smiled back, a wicked look in his eyes. "Oh, I'll earn it, all right."

Casey was pushed back against the wall, Severide's arms entwined with his own. Their lips pressed together in a passionate kiss. Severide took most of Casey's weight and somehow they ended up on the couch with just their boxers left to remove, but it wasn't long until they too were discarded and lying in a heap on the floor next to Casey's prosthetic leg. Severide's hips ground into Casey's. They were both hard and straining. Severide left a trail of soft kisses over Casey's flesh as he reached over to the coffee table where he kept some lube and condoms. He smiled as he remembered Casey laughing when he had discovered a supply of them stashed all over the apartment so they would always be to hand. Full on sex still pained Casey, although he wouldn't admit it, and Severide knew this so he took his time and when he finally did enter his soft and pliant passage it was with a satisfied groan from the pair of them.

Severide left Casey half asleep in a cloud of bliss on the couch and sneaked off quietly to the bathroom to fill the tub. When he returned Casey looked up at him with a weary smile. "Know I didn't wanna spend the day in bed, but goin' for a walk is impossible now... can't move."

"Too bad." Severide smiled back. "Because there is a hot bath waiting for you. I know you'll feel better after that."

"I'm serious." He laughed. "I can't move. You've gone and broken me," he teased.

Severide slipped his arm beneath Casey and helped him to sit up, then he helped him to stand up but Casey had been right, he couldn't move, so Severide ended up carrying him to the bathroom and they never ended up going for their walk.


	21. Legiversary

Several days had gone by since Casey's seizure, fortunately he hadn't had another one, and he had been able to go back to work. His tongue had mostly healed but there was still a vast array of bruises on various parts of his body, the worst was from the seatbelt, he was thankful they were mostly beneath his clothing. In the days following his seizure he had seen his primary care physician and the EPO shots had been stopped. The only option Casey would have now would be blood transfusions to try and keep his anaemia under control. Of course there were other risks attached but it was their only alternative and Casey knew he had no choice. He didn't want to go back to the way he had been, barely being able to get out of bed, scarcely being able to look after himself, so he had to start having regular transfusions.

The two kittens had become a welcome addition to Severide's apartment, despite the mayhem they caused when they were left alone for more than a few hours. They hoped they would grow out of that behaviour although Pumpkin continued to walk into things, the vet had told them it was likely from brain damaged caused by her near drowning, but she was able to find her food and water so it wasn't going to cause many issues luckily.

Severide woke up in an empty bed at 6am, the alarm rang furiously on the nightstand until he slammed his hand onto it. He'd intended to go for a run before shift started. He pushed the covers away and sat up. Casey's bedside lamp was still on but he could see light creeping in through the gaps around the door. He found Casey sitting statue-still on the couch, his right arm held across his lap, eyes closed with his head resting back on a cushion. Severide walked across the room to him and sat on the couch by him.

Casey rolled his head to one side and opened his eyes a little. "Must have laid on my arm," he said softly, referring to the fistula in his right arm. "Just waiting for the painkillers to kick in."

"Come back to bed." Severide smiled inwardly because Casey had become so much better at taking pain relief when he needed it instead of just putting up with pain. "It's cold out and I wanna spend some more time with you. Snuggling with you is preferable to going for a run, before what's gonna be a very long twenty-four hours without you."

"You can't be serious?" Casey scoffed, grinning at the same time. "Kelly Severide snuggling?"

"Deadly serious," Severide retorted. "But only ever with you." Casey had always been one for post coital cuddling, Severide had never been bothered about it but he'd grown up with much more true love and physical attention in his life.

"I should hope so," Casey teased.

Severide just smiled as he helped Casey up onto his crutches and followed him back to their room, where they lay together with their arms around one another, content in each other's silent company.

Casey shifted a little so he could look at Severide. "I was talking about you yesterday."

"Uh huh..." Severide nodded, knowing Casey was referring to his therapy session. "All good I hope?"

"Always good." Casey smiled, resting his head on Severide's bare chest.

"You know you are making it very difficult for me," Severide began, running his hand through Casey's bed hair. "In fact, you're making it impossible."

Casey stared at him, frowning. "What?"

"Difficult and impossible for me to leave and go to work." Severide kissed the top of Casey's head as he lay it back down on his chest.

"Date night soon," Casey muttered against Severide's flesh, already more than half asleep from the painkillers. Eventually, Severide was forced to carefully manoeuvre Casey a little, he laid his head gently onto a pillow, so he could get out of bed, dress and leave for work.

* * *

The November night sky was dark and clear. Stars littered the inky backdrop over the lake and bitter wind whirled around them. "This isn't quite how I pictured date night." Severide grinned, looking over at the kaleidoscope of coloured lights that was the fairground on Navy Pier.

Casey swallowed his mouthful of food. "But you love tacos and you can't tell me you didn't enjoy the funhouse maze."

"I'll give you that but right now I'm freezing my ass off on this bench," Severide remarked, bringing a smile of amusement to Casey's face.

"Well I know the perfect way to get warm later," he responded.

Severide's eyes widened. "Oh yeah?"

"That mulled wine stand over there." He smiled sweetly, knowing full well just what Severide had been thinking.

He knew he was right when he saw Severide's face fall. "Funny."

"I'm serious, Kel. If you're freezing your ass off, how do you think mine feels?" He laughed. Casey was always cold because his body was unable to keep warm like it used to.

"Well..." Severide began. "Your ass feels pretty great to me."  
  
They both laughed.  
  
"And this was your idea," Severide pointed out, watching his breath swirl in the air as he spoke.

"And look at that view, it's beautiful." He looked out across the lake, where the dark water was illuminated by the rainbow of lights from the pier and the moonlight.

Severide couldn't help but smile. His surroundings didn't matter to him, he was just happy with the view he woke up to each day Casey was by his side. "Just stay here," he said softly as he got up.  
  
Casey watched him walk away and then looked back over the lake. It wasn't long before Severide came back holding two small polystyrene cups. Steam rose gently from the warm dark liquid they contained.  
  
"Here," he said, offering them to Casey.

"Really?" Casey grinned as he took one of the cups from Severide's hands.

"Figured since the doc hasn't totally banned you from alcohol, you can have some of this," Severide said as he sat down on the bench, wrapping his left arm around Casey, still holding the second cup of mulled wine in his other hand.

"You have been strict..." Casey said, taking a sip of the warming liquid. He did know Severide's strictness hadn't been without reason, last time he'd had any alcohol he'd ended up in the ER having three litres of fluid drained from his abdomen. "You not having any?" Casey nodded at the untouched cup in Severide's hand.

"They're both for you," he explained. He was driving after all, and he knew how much Casey would enjoy the drinks.

"Kelly Severide, are you trying to make me lose my wits so you can have your way with me?" Casey teased.

"Think that wine's already going to your head, and you've only had a quarter of a glass."

"It is good." Casey smiled as the alcohol made him feel relaxed. He turned to face Severide. "You know I love you right? Am I less of an ass now?"

"You were never an ass, Matt," he said then he grinned. "A jerk maybe."

Casey finished the mulled wine as they continued to sit and watch the fairground lights, the reflections colouring their faces. "We should go," Casey said eventually, prompting a nod of agreement from Severide.

"Before we turn into popsicles? Yeah..."

"Sorry," Casey began apologetically. "Just thought this would make a change from the usual."

"Just kidding. It's been the best night," Severide reassured him.

They got to their feet and slowly made their way back to the car. Severide's arm was around Casey's waist to help steady him. Lots of people were still milling around the area but as they reached the parking lot there was no one, and suddenly Casey lost his footing and almost took Severide down onto the ground with him. It happened every so often, especially when he was tired and now he had drunk alcohol for the first time in over six months. His co-ordination wasn't always great and he simply stumbled. His prosthetic foot fell behind him and he didn't have the momentum to bring it forwards. Severide ended up on his knees as he broke Casey's fall, slowing him and preventing him from hitting the concrete with full force. Casey was silent while Severide straightened himself up, ready to help Casey onto his feet, when all of a sudden he burst into a fit of giggling, grinning wildly.

"You're ok then?" Severide asked him.

"Oh dear…" he laughed, "I really need to stop doing that… your face…. you get so scared."

Severide nodded. "You are very good at worrying me. You're ok?"

"Of course I'm ok," he retorted as Severide helped him up from the ground.

"Gonna ban you from having any more alcohol," Severide announced, still firmly holding onto Casey's arm.

"Hey, c'mon... that was hardly alcohol. Doesn't count…" He laughed.

"It counts."

* * *

As the students filed out of the classroom Casey was still sitting at his desk gathering up some of their papers they had handed in, plus his own notes. The last remaining person caught his eye as he approached the desk. "Lieutenant Casey?"

Casey looked up at the young man and smiled. "Ryan, right?"

"Yes sir."

"Drop the 'sir,' makes me feel like my father," he told him.

Ryan smiled back at him. "Sorry."

"So, what do you need?"

"Erm... I just..." the young man began hesitantly.

"Go on, spit it out." Casey smiled at him encouragingly.

"Some of the others... erm... they asked me, well, dared me to ask you about your leg..."

"Oh really?" Casey spoke seriously but then he smiled at the young man in front of him, and thought about what he would have done for peer approval at that age. "Tell them that it fell off."

Ryan nodded, smiled, and made to leave the classroom, but he stopped. "Lieutenant, what did happen? Someone said it happened on duty? The 2014 terrorist bomb? But I didn't think anyone got seriously hurt from what I remember of the news reports..."

"It was on duty," Casey explained simply. "But injuries like mine are so rare, don't let it put you off. From what I can see you could make a great officer one day."

Suddenly Severide was strolling into the room, "Hey Matt, thought I'd… oh sorry, didn't realise you had company..."

"Hey." Casey nodded at Severide, who was now standing next to Ryan. "This is Squad 3 Lieutenant Kelly Severide," Casey told Ryan.

"Squad? I'd love to make Squad one day." Ryan shook Severide's outstretched hand.

"What is it you always say, Casey?" Severide smiled. "The people whose lives we save don't care what company we're with, or what insignia we have."

Casey glanced at his watch. "Ryan, you need to get to the gym hall."

"Of course. Thanks Lieutenant... Lieutenants..."

Casey watched the young man as he left, before turning his attention to Severide. "What are you doing here?"

"Thought I'd surprise you." Severide smiled, wishing they weren't being separated by the desk. "Plus I had a meeting at HQ."

"All good?"

"Yeah, just going over my incident reports for the last six months," Severide explained.

"Why?" he questioned, concerned.

"New policy," Severide told him.

"Oh, right, seems like a waste of time?"

"Yeah, it was, and incredibly boring. So, lunch?"

"I've got an hour." He smiled and stood up.

* * *

It was late one evening in mid-November and Severide was sitting on the couch, smiling at the soft blond hair near his knees. Casey was on the floor, his usual spot nowadays, his back was against the couch next to Severide and he was playing with the two kittens. They were growing up quickly and he was teasing them with a laser pen. Pumpkin had been completely confused and had quickly retreated between Casey's legs to watch Midnight leaping madly around, chasing the red dot of light.

"So my dad's in town for Thanksgiving," Severide announced. "He wants to do the whole sit down meal saying thanks thing…" he trailed off, trying to gauge Casey's reaction because he really didn't think he'd want anything to do with it.

"And he's invited me?" Casey asked as he turned off the laser pen.

"Me plus one," Severide told him.

"Does he, erm, does he know?" he said with a small shrug.

"That we're madly in love with each other? Or that you'll want some extra leg room at the table?" Severide just grinned.

"Both?" he asked.

"Despite our sometimes crappy relationship I do still talk to him. You won't be walking in blind."

"Ok then, you're on."

"You sure?" Severide raised one eyebrow, surprised that Casey hadn't raised more objections.

"Kelly, just 'cause I don't have a dad doesn't mean I don't want you spending time with yours."

* * *

Severide and Casey arrived at the address Benny had given, his current girlfriend's place. They had both made the effort to dress smartly, Casey wore a plain shirt with a thin V-neck sweater and black jeans. Severide had bought the sweater for him for the occasion, and he wore a white shirt under the leather jacket he often wore. They were welcomed warmly by Benny and his girlfriend, who appeared to be around the same age as Severide, certainly no older. The house was warm and comfortable with rustic style interiors and the two of them immediately felt at home.

They were all sitting around the dining table and were now halfway through the main course. Casey had been careful to choose the right food from the selection of delicious fare that had been cooked. Severide had taken extra potato because he knew Casey wouldn't want to appear wasteful after all the effort that had gone into the preparation, but there were just some things that were better for him not to eat.

"So, Matt," Benny began as they were all tucking into their meal. "How are you finding teaching? Easier than actually fighting fires, right?"

Casey couldn't quite believe what Severide's father was saying. "It has different challenges," he spoke diplomatically.

"After all that down time it must be taking a while to get your strength back, or at least some of it?" Benny commented bluntly.

Severide laughed, slightly embarrassed by Benny's lack of discretion. "He can bench press more than I can."

"Well, I need another drink. Anyone want a top up?" Benny announced as he stood up from the table. No one else wanted anymore drinks so he left the table and went to the kitchen.

Severide watched him go for a moment, then followed him. "Excuse me."

Casey was left at the table with Benny's girlfriend. He smiled at her politely, making conversation. "This is lovely, you're a great cook. Thanks for inviting us over."

In the kitchen Severide was annoyed. "Dad what the hell's gotten into you?"

"I'm just making friendly conversation," Benny retorted as he poured himself another whiskey and took a swig.

"Oh come on… you know his career was everything to him, just like yours was to you," Severide said heatedly.

Back at the table Casey was sat straight and glancing around the dining room. "This is a lovely… table cloth…" he smiled. "Erm… I'm going to go and see what's taking them so long." He got to his feet. "They've been known to throw fists at each other…" he added.

Casey could hear raised voices as he opened the kitchen door. "You can go on about it all you want, you won't change my mind…" Both Severide and his father turned towards Casey and stopped their argument.

"Thank you for inviting us, Benny," Casey began civilly. "But I think we should go." He gave Severide a look, he wanted to get him out of there, away from his father before anything else was said. "Kelly?"

"Yeah, we should go." Severide nodded. "Thanks for the dinner, enjoy desert…"

In the car half way home after spending the journey in silence Casey spoke up. "You ok?"

"Fine," Severide responded, tight jawed, eyes focused on the road ahead.

"Should I ask what you were arguing about?" Casey said carefully, wondering if Severide was going to want to talk or not.

"A few weeks ago an opportunity came up in Arson," Severide began.

"O'Malley retired?"

"Yeah," Severide confirmed.

"You're dad wants you in Arson?"

Severide shrugged. "I don't know what he wants, think he feels like I should just be progressing when I'm not."

"You don't want a desk job?"

"No, I don't, I also don't wanna be away from you five days a week."

"Well you don't have to do what he says," Casey told him. "Just do you what you want."

"That wasn't the only thing he was going on about," he said.

"Kelly, your dad was just talking, sometimes people don't know what to say to me, it was simply a case of trying to make conversation I think." Casey gave a small shrug.

"Yeah, yeah, maybe."

They were nearing home when Casey's right thigh started to cause him pain and he grimaced, massaging it with his right hand, trying to ease the cramp.

Severide glanced across at him then back at the traffic. "It's been a long day, how about a hot bath when we get in?"

"Think I'll take some painkillers and go to bed..." He sighed.

"Oh, ok," Severide couldn't hide the disappointment in his voice. "Transfusion soon?"

"Only had one the other day," he told him.

Severide let out a long breath. "This is crap."

"Yeah." He nodded agreement.

"I just want you to feel good again," Severide said.

"Hey..." Casey smiled lovingly. "Kelly, it's ok, I don't feel anywhere near as bad as before, I promise, I think I might be getting a cold so that doesn't help either, ok?"

"A cold? Have you started taking…"

"Yeah, a few days ago."

"I hate it when you get sick," Severide spoke sadly.

"I can't say that I enjoy it either, but I'm here and I'm with you, and I'm happy."

* * *

Before they knew it December had arrived and the city of Chicago was blanketed in thick snow. Severide and Casey were warm and comfortable in the apartment. "Morning, baby," Severide's soft voice woke Casey from his light slumber and he stirred, stretching under the bed covers, careful not to displace either Pumpkin or Midnight who were asleep at the end of the bed.

"Hey..." he muttered, smiling back at Severide.

"Got a lot planned for today since it's..."

"My legiversary," Casey said, his face serious until they both burst out laughing.

"Legiversary," Severide repeated once he contained his amusement. "I like it. Should have got you a cake."

"Maybe next year." He grinned.

"Well, if we're gonna stick to my schedule we need to get up now, and be in my car in less than an hour," Severide explained.

"Why? What are we doing?" Casey frowned, twisting his head to look at the alarm clock.

"Everything." Severide just smiled.

"Everything?"

"Yup, starting with breakfast at that deli you love so much."

"Really?" Casey grinned.

"I booked us a table," he informed Casey.

"You booked a table for breakfast?" Casey was still smiling. Contrary to common opinion, Severide was one of the most thoughtful people he knew.

"Don't want anything to go wrong, got a strict schedule to keep to." A grin spread across Severide's face, prompting Casey to grin back and plant a kiss firmly on his lips.  
  


* * *

That evening they were sat watching TV in the apartment. Severide had left the evening free because he figured Casey would probably be exhausted after their long day. They had managed to do all his plans, after their leisurely breakfast at the deli he had taken Casey to all the major tourist spots of Chicago that they rarely saw. The highlight of the day was a helicopter ride over the snow covered city and luckily the weather was bright and clear, even though it was below zero for the best part of the day.

Although he was weary Casey was relaxed and smiling as the lights from the TV screen played across his face. "Thanks for today."

"Kept you from your thoughts?"

"Yeah." Casey nodded slightly. "Just what the shrink ordered," he added with a chuckle.

"Really?"

"Uh huh, he said..." Casey paused, thoughtful now.

"Go on," Severide encouraged.

"Anniversaries can trigger… stuff, so he said to keep busy... try not to dwell on things."

"You wanna do something tomorrow too? We could go to the movies?" he suggested.

"I am ok, Kelly, I might be seeing a shrink but I'm not gonna have a breakdown. My head's been in a better place for a while now." Casey smiled.

Suddenly the music from a festive commercial filled the room and drew Severide's attention back to the TV. "What do you want to do for Christmas?" Severide asked but as he said the words a mixed expression crossed his face, part worry, part relief. "You know, last time I was asking you that..."

"You were trying to keep me conscious?" Casey half questioned. Severide had told him details of his rescue before, his own memories of it were and always would be very hazy. "You were saving my life."

"You remember it?" Severide asked, wondering if Casey would remember events in any more detail a year on from the event.

"I just remember you being there... and bits... bits of waiting for you."

"Waiting for me?"

"Well, not exactly... I didn't think anyone would find me alive," Casey admitted. "But you did."

"I'm sorry you were alone down there for so long."

Casey opened his mouth to speak but hesitated, thinking about continuing his yearlong lie, that he scarcely recalled anything about the time he was on his own under the collapsed building, but he didn't. "I try not to think about it anymore but if l do I just think about all the good stuff in my life now." He looked up at Severide. "And I think about you and how worried you must have been..."

"I was terrified," Severide spoke.

Casey nodded slowly. "Me too."

"Matt?" Severide spoke after a few moments, sensing there was something more.

"I don't want to go to sleep tonight," he said quietly. "I… I don't want to go back there, not today."

"You've slept through the night for the last couple of weeks?" 

"Yeah." He nodded.

"And if you don't, then I'm here. Always."


	22. Cardiac Arrest

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shower scene courtesy of the fabulous Stingray!

"Hey, baby." There was a smile of anticipation on Severide's face as he entered the apartment but it soon faded when he saw Casey's paleness, he was sitting on the couch huddled under a couple of blankets. "I'll turn up the heating," he said before Casey could respond to his greeting.

"Won't go any higher," Casey told him.

"You got a fever?" Severide asked, spotting the thermometer on the coffee table in front of Casey. He had finally got into the good habit of using it whenever he felt unwell, or at least, not quite right.

"My temperature's normal. Just can't get warm," Casey complained.

Severide's heart ached at those words, Casey never ever complained, it wasn't in his nature but lately everything was getting to him and bringing him down. He'd had to call in sick at work for a few days because his body just wouldn't co-operate with him. The blood transfusions were helping for the first few days after he had them, but in the wait for the next one he was becoming incredibly run down.

"Come and shower with me." Severide gave him a smile. "That'll warm you up."

It wasn't long before Casey was sitting on the shower chair with hot water cascading over him. Severide stripped off the last own his own clothes and stepped into the tub. The bathroom was steaming and the mirror fogged from the heat. Severide was far too hot but happy to put up with it for Casey.

"Help me stand up?" Casey asked quietly under the noise of the jet stream.

Severide helped him up, his arms wrapping around Casey's cool skin. He was about to let go and turn around to get the shampoo, but something in Casey's eyes told him not to move. "Baby?" he questioned softly, his voice showcasing the concern he felt inside.

"Don't let go," Casey murmured earnestly, a pained look on his features. "My leg…"

Casey didn't need to say anything more, Severide's arms wrapped just a little tighter around him, taking his weight as he pushed their bodies together from the shoulders down. His hands gently massaged the tense muscles in Casey's back whilst they both waited for the pain to subside. Casey wearily rested his head against Severide's strong shoulder as he tried to mentally balance the mix of hurt and pleasure. He wound his arms around Severide's neck as he began to relax against him. He sighed softly, the shaky exhale crossed the other man's shoulder.

One of Severide's hands reached up to Casey's head, carding it through the blond hair; the other arm was still holding him up securely. "Better?"

"Almost," Casey's voice was close to a whisper as his eyes fluttered closed.

Severide's body heat plus the warmth of the shower made him shiver; his body temperature began to rise steadily as he clung to Severide. Casey shuddered as another wave of heat passed through his form. His eyes drooped heavily at the feeling of being held so securely, as well as the comfortable temperature his body was beginning to fall into. It didn't help when Severide started softly humming and swaying them just slightly from side to side.

"You're putting me to sleep," Casey slurred, a slight grin on his face as he began nuzzling his face even further into the junction of Severide's shoulder and neck.

Severide just smiled and continued holding him, putting his faith in the idea that Casey wouldn't fall asleep standing up like this.

"I'm being serious." Casey laughed quietly. "Give me two more minutes, I'll be on the floor. I'll crack my head open and you're gonna have to figure out how to haul my unconscious body out of the tub."

"Well we can't have that happening." He grinned amusedly, reluctantly separating their bodies. "How's the leg?"

Casey shrugged and grabbed onto the railing closest to him in order to support himself. "Good as it can be." He smiled, leaning forward to capture Kelly's lips with his own. "Thanks," he breathed against Severide's lips.

"Always," Severide mumbled happily, leaning their foreheads together. It was a calm moment, one that was full of water raining all over them and smiles and the movements of skin on skin. Their bodies were slick with water and slid against each other comfortably.

Severide didn't want to let go of his grip on Casey, but they'd been in the shower for quite some time and Casey was warmed up now. He stepped out first, leaving Casey sitting on the shower chair in the tub as he dried himself of and threw on a pair of boxers.

When he came back Casey had his head resting in his hands and looked as close to sleep as Severide had ever seen him in the shower. "C'mere, baby," he murmured, arms open, towel ready.

Casey slipped from his dozed state and slowly managed to get up to a standing position, his eyes betraying how wearily sated he was. Severide grinned as he enveloped him with the big fluffy towel and left a trail of light kisses on the side of his neck as he held him steady.

"I'll help you to the bed."

* * *

When Casey's cell phone went off a few days later he forced himself to turn over and grab it from the nightstand. He hadn't gotten out of bed even though Severide had told him he'd left breakfast out for him before he left for shift at 51. Casey was too exhausted and his chest ached when he sat up. "Yeah…" his voice was raspy with sleep as he spoke, he hadn't even bothered to look at caller ID before swiping the green button.

 _"Hey, you."_ It was Severide but it couldn't really have been anyone else. _"Just checking in. You eaten?"_

"Still in bed," Casey admitted.

_"Matt, it's nearly 4pm."_

"Is it?" He frowned at the alarm clock.

_"Need me to come back?"_

"Nah, I'm fine. See you in the morning." Casey just smiled into the phone at Severide's concern.

_"You sure?"_

"Think I've just overdone it the last few weeks that's all..." Casey heard the alarms going off in the background and a pang of emotion struck him.

_"Ok, gotta go, Matt. Feel better soon, I love you."_

"Love you too," he replied. "Be careful."

* * *

Severide closed the front door quietly behind himself when he returned home from shift the next morning. He didn't want to disturb Casey if he wasn't already up and about, and if yesterday's phone call was anything to go by that would be unlikely. The apartment was silent and the kittens were sprawled out on the couch asleep. It looked like Casey had shut them out of the bedroom so they didn't disturb him. Severide went to the kitchen area and poured some food into their bowls and they woke at the sound of him putting the bowls onto the floor and ran over to him. Severide left them to it and cracked open the bedroom door, poking his head round to check on Casey, all he could see was blond hair sticking out from under the bed covers. He just smiled and went to make himself some breakfast. He would wake Casey up later in time for dialysis.

When he had finished making some toast he sat himself on the couch and switched on the TV, channel hopping to see what was on, he landed on a National Geographic documentary about Hawaii, bringing back memories of their holiday there during the summer. The kittens dashed over to him once they'd finished their own breakfast and jumped up by his side to see what he was doing. "Hey, you two. You got your food already." He laughed and swatted them away playfully, eating as he watched the show.

After he had finished his toast he went into the bathroom and jumped into the shower. He picked out some clothes from the pile on top of the dryer and thought it was probably best to get Casey up when he glanced at the time, they'd soon have to leave for his dialysis session so he crept back into the bedroom and switched on the main light.

"Baby, it's almost 10am, didn't wanna wake you but you should probably start getting ready. Do you want me to run a bath, or anything for you?"

There was no response from Casey so he walked to the bed and rubbed a hand over the outline of Casey's shoulder under the covers, hard enough to wake him. Or so he thought.

"Matt? It's really time to get up… Matt?" He tugged at the bed cover and expected resistance but it just pulled back easily revealing a sleeping Casey but he still didn't wake. Severide frowned and moved him over onto his back. A sudden fear made him feel lightheaded as looked down. "Oh God…"

Casey was cyanotic. His face was tinged blue. His lips were almost purple. His skin was almost as white as the sheets.

"Matt… baby…" Severide practically shook him, his EMT training had gone out of the window, he just wanted Casey to wake up. "Matt… come on, baby…"

Severide could barely feel a pulse. He wasn't breathing.

"Damnit, Matt…" he cursed. Frantically he grabbed Casey's cell phone from the nightstand. He punched in 911 and was almost shouting by the time the operator answered. "I need an ambulance…" He gave the address and then just dropped the phone to the floor.

He pulled the bed covers off and started chest compressions but it was useless on the mattress so Severide dragged him onto the floor, where he landed limply then Severide continued pumping firmly down on his sternum.

"Come on Matt… you're not going to die like this, not after everything you've been through… come on, baby…"

After a while, he tilted Casey's head back, pinched his nose and breathed out hard into his mouth to send oxygen into his body. Another breath and then he resumed chest compressions.

"Come on… please, Matt… please… breathe… you have to breathe… please, baby…"

He gave another two rescue breaths. Casey was still not breathing. Severide checked his pulse was still beating before continuing compressions, it was still barely there. One, two, three… he thought he felt a rib crack… four, five… twenty-nine, thirty.

"Please just breathe… breathe… just breathe… please… come on… just breathe…"

He was sweating with exertion when he heard a bang at the door. "Paramedics!" a voice shouted loudly. It seemed like an age since he had made the call.

"In here!" he called back. He checked for a pulse again. There was none. He renewed his efforts pumping down onto Casey's chest to keep oxygen flowing around his body, he'd definitely felt more than a few ribs crack under the pressure now.

The two paramedics rushed in drop down by Severide's side. "How long's he been down? Here, we're got this…"

"I don't know. I found him like this. I've just lost his pulse," Severide replied. "I'm a firefighter," Severide informed them swiftly. "Think he's in cardiac arrest…"

ECG leads were attached to Casey's chest as Severide continued compressions. A pulse-oximeter was clipped to his finger.

"We need to intubate…" the paramedics worked around Severide. "Stop," he was told and the EMT slipped the tube into Casey's throat, she checked for breath sounds and attached the Ambu-bag.

"He has no veins…" the other paramedic said after attempting to insert a cannula. "IO drill…"

Severide squeezed the Ambu-bag, still willing for Casey to just breathe on his own and open his eyes. The monitor attached to the ECG leads was whistling angrily showing the pulseless electrical activity. Severide watched as the IO drill was shot into Casey's upper left arm so they could start giving him adrenaline to correct the PEA, he glanced round at all the equipment monitoring him, and trying to keep him alive, everything had slowed down.

"Please, Matt… please… please, baby…" he was still uttering under his breath willing with all his strength because Casey had to be ok.

"He's stabilised, let's get him to the rig," a voice said seemingly hours later, but in reality only a few minutes, breaking Severide's trance and bringing him back into the room.

* * *

Severide felt like he could barely draw a breath. He had ridden along in the ambulance by Casey's side with the medic squeezing the Ambu-bag as he had clung onto Casey's lifeless hand. Less than one minute from the hospital Casey had flatlined. The paramedic had given him several doses of epinephrine but nothing had changed. They had rushed Casey away the second they had pushed his gurney through the emergency room doors, and Severide had been left standing in the waiting area. He had tried to follow Casey but he was ushered out of the way and had to let go of Casey's hand. Now he was frightened that had been the last time he would get to hold his hand.

He didn't know what to do. There wasn't anything he could do, and that was what was so scary. It was all out of his control. He couldn't even see what was happening. He dug out his cell phone that he'd grabbed as they'd left the apartment, and dialled the only person he knew could help.

Shay arrived at the hospital before anyone had been able to update Severide on Casey's condition. As soon as Severide spotted her, he rushed over, the tears that had been threatening to fall since he'd found Casey's almost lifeless body came out in uncontrollable floods, he was pulled into a hug. "It's my fault… it's all my fault…" he started.

"Hey, hey, shh… I doubt any of it was your fault," she soothed, pulling back away from him slightly. "What's even happened?"

"I… I don't know, I have no idea what's wrong with him… he wasn't breathing… Oh God, he was so pale… he was blue… he wasn't breathing… his heart stopped… they're still in there and I don't know what's happening…"

A doctor in scrubs approached them. "Kelly Severide?"

Severide felt as if his own heart had stopped at that moment. He turned to face the doctor. "Please, please tell me he's alive… please… he has to be…"

"We've got a strong pulse back," the doctor said soberly.

"That's good right? That's good." Severide nodded. "What happened?"

"The cardiac arrest happened because the sac around his heart was filled with fluid, cardiac tamponade," the doctor explained slowly. "We've drained the fluid and now he has a good rhythm back."

"But he wasn't breathing?" Severide barely noticed Shay's comforting touch on his arm as he spoke to the doctor.

"No. And we don't know how long he wasn't breathing for. I don't think, and I'm hopeful that it wasn't too long given the nature of the cause. He came in with a GCS score of 4, it's now it's a 7, that's good because it's improving, and I expect it to improve again."

"Are we… are we talking brain damage?" He hardly dared to ask but he needed to know.

"It is unlikely that he'll come out of this without some kind of moderate deficit from the oxygen deprivation."

"What happens now?"

"He's about to have a CT scan of his brain to check for hypoxia, and then he'll go up to the ICU for monitoring," the doctor told Severide. "His primary physician has been paged so he will take over from me from once Matt's up in the ICU. I'll take you to see him now."

They didn't want to crowd the trauma bay so Shay waited outside as Severide entered the daunting room. It wasn't the first time Severide has seen Casey lying vulnerably in a hospital bed but this time it felt like the worst, in a way seeing him in the hospital after the building collapse had been a relief because he wasn't sure Casey was going to make it out alive. This time there was no sense of relief because the outcome was so uncertain, and he knew how much Casey would hate to be back here again. There were tubes and leads snaking their way all over his pale body. His chest was uncovered and bare apart from the ECG pads and leads that scattered his flesh. The ventilator by the side of the bed was hissing and pumping repeatedly, the heart monitor was bleeping regularly, but Casey remained still and as lifeless as he had been on the floor when Severide had dragged him from the bed.

Severide's eyes remained on the tube going into Casey's mouth. "He's still not breathing on his own?"

"He is triggering the vent every now and then, that's good, hopefully we'll be able to take it out within twenty-four hours," the doctor told Severide.

"I broke his ribs didn't I?" he questioned quietly.

The doctor nodded. "You kept him alive, he wouldn't have made it to the hospital without the CPR."

"If… erm… if there's brain damage, if he has deficits from all this, what does that mean?"

"It could be anything, at this stage it really is just a waiting game, once he wakes they'll have better idea of his recovery," the doctor explained.

"He will recover?" he nodded.

"The sooner he wakes the better his recovery should be," the doctor answered.

"When do you think he'll wake?" he asked with a hopeful tone, he wanted answers, exact answers, but he knew he wouldn't get any.

The doctor gave a noncommittal gesture. "Like I said, he's triggering the vent every so often, spontaneous breathing is a good sign."

* * *

Casey's CT scan had revealed no visible damage and the EEG showed normal brain activity yet he had now been unconscious for nearly two days. After twenty-four hours they had been able to take him off the ventilator. For a few moments he hadn't taken a breath and just as the doctor was preparing to re-intubate him he had taken in a shuddering breath of air. Severide hoped that he would open his eyes at that point but they stayed closed and Casey remained oblivious to everything around him.

Severide had informed Boden and requested immediate time off which had been granted straight away, and although under ICU rules he wasn't allowed to he remained with Casey for every minute of the day he could, and had rarely left the hospital since he had been admitted. When he did go home it was simply to shower and get fresh clothes, and to check on the kittens, although Shay was ensuring they were well cared for and not causing havoc.

At the end of the second day, during evening rounds, Severide spoke to Casey's doctor who wasn't anywhere near as worried about Casey's prolonged unconsciousness as Severide was.

"Hi there, Kelly," Casey's doctor had approached the ICU bed, he was looking over the chart and talking to Casey's nurse.

"He moved his hand a little earlier," Severide told the doctor after he'd finished his conversation and replaced the chart at the end of Casey's bed.

The doctor smiled. He'd gotten to know Severide and Casey well over the last year and had a lot of respect for the two men. "I'm still not too worried that he hasn't woken up yet," he told Severide reassuringly. "His body's been through a lot."

"I just want to know if he's going to be ok when he wakes up, he has to be, he's been through so much, nothing else would be fair, it stopped being fair long ago," Severide said, his eyes were fixed on Casey's face, obscured by the nasal cannula.

"You know life isn't fair, you see that every shift, so do we," the doctor replied softly. "But you also know how strong Matt is, and I've seen how strong he is too."

"How much difference would it have made if I'd realised earlier?" He looked up at the doctor from his position sitting by Casey's bed. "All the difference, right?"

"Kelly, you weren't to know."

Severide forced a smile, shook his head. "He's never gonna be allowed to sleep-in again after this."

"Go and grab something to eat, get a coffee, I know you've not left his side all day," the doctor said.

"Yeah, I do need some caffeine." Severide stood up, smiling a little he took Casey's hand and squeezing it as if willing him to wake.

Just as he got to the door, someone called his name and he stopped in his tracks and turned on his heel. He was back by Casey's side in a matter of seconds. He was awake. Or at least his eyes were open. The doctor was speaking to Casey but he was silent, making no response. Soon Casey's eyes slowly took in his surroundings.

"Matt? You ok?" Severide took his hand but it was almost jerked away. His movements were incredibly slow but purposeful and he looked up at Severide scornfully. There was no recognition in his eyes. Severide took a step back and let the doctor continue.

"Do you know where you are?" the doctor repeated an earlier question.

It took some time but eventually Casey's lips parted and he muttered with a gravelly voice. "Hos... hospital..."

"Good." The doctor nodded. "Can you tell me your name?"

Casey opened his mouth to reply but then he just frowned. "I…"

"Just your first name's fine," the doctor said.

But Casey was still frowning and they could tell he was struggling to keep his weary eyes open.

"It's ok." The doctor smiled down at him. "We'll let you get some rest now, you need it. I'll see you later."

Severide followed the doctor away from the bed. They stood together by the ICU entrance. "This is temporary, right?" Severide questioned, he couldn't hide the panic from his voice. "He doesn't know his own name… I… Oh God… I did this… I thought he was sleeping…"

"Kelly, this is the first time he's woken up," the doctor began in a supportive tone. "We need to give him some time, you know he finds it disorienting here, my hope is that this is temporary and…"

"Hope? I don't want hope, I need to know, he has to be ok," Severide insisted.

"Physically he is doing really well, Kelly, that's something," the doctor nodded.

"I did this to him…" he muttered.

"You didn't do this to him," the doctor contradicted him firmly.

"Then how did it even happen?" he exclaimed.

"You know how fragile his system is now, even if he was here and hooked up to monitors we wouldn't have been able to prevent it from happening."

* * *

Severide was churned up inside as he waited for Casey to wake up once again. He desperately hoped, prayed even, that he would regain consciousness with his memories intact, that it would just be temporary like the doctor had suggested, but he couldn't help feeling afraid because no one really had any idea how long Casey's brain had been deprived of oxygen.

Casey opened his eyes later that day and Severide just watched him as he looked around slowly. He smiled at him and spoke gently. "Hey."   
  
Casey's eyes found his and Severide searched for some sign of recognition but there was nothing. No indication of their history, their love for each other, their lives. Nothing.   
  
"Do you recognise me?" he asked softly. He thought about calling over to the doctor who was on duty but he needed to know.

Silence was Casey's only answer. Severide wondered if perhaps he could be struggling to find words, the damage from the lack of oxygen could have affected him in all kinds of ways.

Severide cleared his throat, emotion chewing his insides. "Do you know who I am?" he asked again.

His question was met only by further silence from Casey.

"No? Ok." Severide nodded, "That's ok. You're in the hospital, Matt."

Slowly Casey frowned and repeated his name. "Matt..."

"Yeah." He nodded again. "Your name's Matt, and I'm Kelly."

"I... I… I don't know…" Casey murmured.

"It's ok," he tried to reassure Casey despite feeling as if he was about to break into a million fragments. "You're in the hospital, but you're going to be just fine."

"I… I don't know you," Casey spoke more clearly, the lost look that had appeared on his face when he woke had not left.

"We're..." Severide started to say, then stopped himself, unsure how much he should be telling Casey right now. "We're really good friends..."

"Friends..." Casey repeated the word, testing it out. "I… I don't… don't know you?"

"We live together, baby." The words had tumbled from Severide's mouth before he could stop them.

"Ba... baby?" Casey said, perplexed.

"We've been dating for almost three years…"

"I'm not a faggot…" Casey was still frowning. "I don't... don't know who you are…"

Severide stood up, his heart shattered. He didn't know what to say as he looked at the expression of disgust on Casey's face, an expression he had never seen before in all the years he had known him. "Matt..." he managed to whisper, but he couldn't get any more words out for fear of breaking down. And he didn't even know what he could have said to that anyway. He tried to put it down to Casey's oxygen deprivation, tried to put them down to the negative influence of Casey's father, but he couldn't get Casey's disgusted expression out of his mind. "I'll… I'll just go then…"

As Severide stepped away one of the monitors started blaring and a member of staff rushed over, Casey was in pain and he wasn't denying it, he was asking for painkillers, practically begging for them, and as Severide left he realised he didn't know that man lying in the hospital bed either.   
  
They didn't know each other anymore.


	23. Broken

It was the morning after Severide had walked out of the ICU when Casey had woken and not known him. He and Shay were in standing together in the apartment. "I can't do this," Severide told her, shaking his head in despair.

"Kelly," Shay began firmly. "You do want to be there for, Matt. I know you do."

"But that's not him lying in that bed," Severide went on, his voice was full of emotion.

"Yes it is," Shay spoke. "And he's really hurt, he's so lost right now, he needs you."

"You didn't hear him. He doesn't need me. He doesn't want me."

"He doesn't know you, Kelly, and you said it yourself, the doctor said it may be temporary," she said encouragingly.

"But what if it isn't?"

"But what if it is, and he wakes up and you're not there?" Shay questioned, as she picked up his car keys and handed them to him. "You can do this, Kelly. He loves you and he does want you."

* * *

When Severide arrived by Casey's side he noticed there was less equipment around him, he took it as a good sign. He sat down and cautiously took Casey's pale hand, he looked peacefully asleep but had been informed they'd upped his painkillers so he knew that was the true cause of his peacefulness. Nevertheless, Severide was grateful for that because he didn't want Casey to be suffering any kind of pain. He didn't think he would ever get the sound and feel of Casey's ribs cracking and breaking under the pressure of his own hands out of his head.

It was a few hours before Casey stirred, and even then his blue eyes remained closed. Severide was hoping and willing for the best but after everything they'd been through, after everything Casey had been through, he couldn't help but only picture negative outcomes.

Casey opened his eyes to a bright and sterile world. His body felt as heavy as lead. He could barely move his own head but from the corner of his eye he spotted a very familiar figure and he smiled. "Ke…" he croaked out as he tried to wake Severide from his sleep, his throat was dry and his voice raspy. "Kel… Kelly?"

Severide had dozed off, but woke with a start at the sound of his own name. "Matt?" he half questioned with a look of disbelief in his eyes. "Hey, baby." He grinned broadly. "You didn't recognise me last time you woke up, had me worried."

"I don't… don't remember," Casey's voice crackled.

"How are you feeling?" he asked gently.

Frowning Casey spoke. "I'm in the hospital?"

"Yeah..."

"My chest… my chest hurts..." he admitted.

"You're ok now, you're gonna be just fine." Severide didn't think he'd ever felt so relieved in his whole life.

"Wha… what happened?"

"The doctor needs to do some tests, ok, baby?" Severide told him.

"Tired…"

"I know but it won't take long, will it?" Severide looked up to the man, it was the first time Casey realised his doctor was by his side too.

"How are you feeling, Matt?" the doctor spoke softly. "Your chest hurts?"

"Mmm…" He nodded slowly.

"I need you to remember these three words; hat, red and train," the doctor said.

"Remember…" He frowned, looking to his right for support.

Severide gave him a reassuring nod.

"Ok," he said as he looked back to the doctor.

"I'm going to ask you a few questions now," the doctor began. "It's ok if you can't answer any of them. Do you remember my name?"

He nodded a little. "Willis."

"Good, Matt." The doctor smiled. "What's Kelly's last name?"

He frowned again because all the answers were obvious, and he didn't understand why he was being asked such simple questions. "Severide."

The doctor nodded. "Do you know what month it is?"

"Erm…" he hesitated. "November?"

The doctor just smiled. "Ok, what's…"

"It's not November, is it?" He looked to Severide who was looking at the doctor now. "C'mon… what even happened? Why am I… why am I here? Why does my chest… chest hurt? This is the ICU. I'm here for a reason."

The doctor took a breath. "Three days ago you went into cardiac arrest."

"Wh… what?" his voice cracked. "My heart?"

"There was fluid in the sac around your heart, it caused you to arrest," the doctor explained simply. "You have several broken ribs, you're still in the ICU because you need to be constantly monitored, but if everything seems well today you'll be transferred to the cardiovascular ward." Severide and the doctor could see that Casey was waning and struggling to take it all in. "Matt," the doctor caught Casey's attention. "Can you tell me those three words I told you a few moments ago?"

"Tired…"

"I know." The doctor nodded. "You can sleep after you tell me those three words."

"Dunno… something about a train…" Casey mumbled as his eyes closed, he couldn't fight it any longer.

* * *

Severide was still sitting with Casey a few hours later, he still felt a sense of relief but Casey would still have to go through further neurological tests to check for any lasting deficits. The doctor had explained to Severide that it could take some time due to the nature of Casey's trauma, but at least the amnesia had proved to be temporary, as they had hoped it would, and he had been articulate even though he hadn't been completely coherent.

He was stretching his aching limbs as he sitting by Casey's bed, the chairs in the ICU were the worst and sadly he already knew that from experience, his attention was quickly drawn to the bed. All of a sudden Casey's eyes had shot open and his breathing hitched. The look across Casey's face was one of pure panic.

"Kel…" Casey grunted out raggedly. "Kelly…"

"Here, Matty, I'm here," Severide shot to his side, grabbing his hand. Casey was out of it even though his eyes were open, they had that familiar glazed look about them.

"Please… please… please don't…"

"Don't what, baby? Talk to me. What's wrong?" Severide asked, leaning over Casey, trying to get through to him. A nurse was by the bedside now too.

"Please… please… please don't let them…"

"Matty, baby, you're ok, you're ok," he soothed. "You're in the…"

"Please don't let them take my leg." Tears ran from Casey's eyes as he murmured again and again. "Please… please don't…"

"I… Matt, you're ok…" Severide spoke softly and gently.

His lips were close to Casey's face now, one hand stroking his head, the other clutching his hand, as the nurse began to prepare a sedative. Casey wasn't calming down and she was concerned he could hurt himself if he continued to struggle. His heart rate had skyrocketed and the monitor was beeping in time with the increased beat. He was clearly terrified and unable to control his thoughts.

"You're ok, baby, you're fine, they're not… they're not gonna take your…" Severide trailed off as Casey's eyes fluttered closed, Severide looked up and saw the nurse take the empty syringe out of the IV line. He let go of Casey's hand and stood up.

Severide excused himself and hurried out of the room. The ICU door slid closed behind Severide and he leant against the glass wall. Several shuddering breaths left his body as he tried to regain his composure. This had been the second time in the last year that Casey had suffered this, begging Severide not to let them take his leg. The first incident had happened when he had been asleep during one of his dialysis sessions but as luck would have it, Severide had been with him when he'd woken in his panic and they had managed to calm him. In Severide's opinion it was one of the worst symptoms of his PTSD because almost everything and anything seemed to trigger a flashback, smells, sounds, locations. Sometimes Casey would be absolutely fine, and other times he work himself into such a panic he'd exhaust himself. There was never any telling how severe his reaction was going to be.

* * *

Casey could hear the sound of monitors bleeping and hissing all around him long before he opened his eyes and realised he was in the same brightly lit white room. He blinked his eyes open and closed a few times, he tried to move a little but his body wasn't cooperating, he felt weighed down, his limbs felt heavy. Someone moved into his field of vision. A very familiar white coated doctor was peering down at him but where was Severide? He was always there.

"Hi there, Matt," his doctor spoke.

"Ke… Kel…" Casey groaned out.

"He's just out getting a drink," the doctor explained. "He'll be back."

"Mmm…"

"Do you remember where you are?"

A few moments passed before he replied. "ICU… something about my… my heart…"

"Good, Matt." The man nodded. "Just need to ask you a few more things, ok?"

He was frowning. "Why… why can't I... move?"

"Your brain was starved of oxygen for an unknown period of time," the doctor supplied simply.

"Great…" he muttered. "Now what's… what's wrong with me?"

"Can you feel this, Matt?" The doctor ran the tip of his pen along the sole of Casey's left foot.

Casey nodded a little.

"Good. Now what about this?" He pressed his fingers down on top of Casey's foot.

"Pressure," Casey responded wearily.

"That's good, Matt, really good. Now, squeeze my hands... that's it, hard as you can... good."

"I'm ok?" he questioned with a wry smile.

The doctor just smiled back at him. "Just gonna sit the bed up a little more," the man said as he used pressed the controls. "Got some cards here that I want you to look at." He pulled the swing table over Casey's lap and placed four picture cards down in front of him.  
  
Casey looked down at them through half lidded eyes.  
  
"I need you to put them in the right order," he told him.  
  
Casey shot a brief look of annoyance up at him but started to work on the cards, his hand movements were slow, even clumsy at times, but he had them sorted out eventually, albeit in somewhat of a mess. The doctor was satisfied though.

"Anything else?" Casey questioned as the doctor put the cards away.

"Not unless you have any questions?" the doctor replied. Casey shook his head a little, it was all the strength he had left. "Ok, I'm almost certain that you've managed to come out of this mostly unscathed. The nurses will keep helping you to move so that your muscles won't atrophy, but I'm fairly confident that you'll gain your strength back. So not really anything to worry about at this stage."

"Fairly confident..." Casey repeated with a small eye roll.

"It could have been far worse, Matt."

"Yeah. Always could be," he answered flatly.

"You should get some rest," the doctor advised. "I'll be back to do another neuro check later."

* * *

After a total of four days in the ICU Casey was stable enough to be transferred to a private room on the cardiovascular ward. He woke to new surroundings having been in and out of consciousness during the move because of all the medication he was on, but Severide had been by his side and he still was.

"Hey, you're back with us," Severide said when he saw Casey's eyes flicker half open. He was still so incredibly pale, hardly a shade above the hospital issue bedsheets, and his face was a little obscured by the nasal cannula. There were purple shadows around his eyes, almost making him look gaunt, but every time he opened them Severide was still so relieved to see the recognition within them. "Are you comfortable?" he asked softly.

"My… my back…" Casey muttered, his voice was still gravelly and rough.

"Heat pad?" Severide questioned, hoping that would help.

"Mmm…"

At that Severide went out to the nurses' station, and after a few minutes he and one of the nurses were gently helping Casey to sit up a little so they could place a heat pad behind him. Casey had regained little strength and could still barely even hold his own head up off the pillow.

"How's that? Better?" Severide smiled as the nurse left them to it.

"Wha... what time is it?" he muttered, eyes half closed. "No… what… what day… date is it?"

"It's December 14th," Severide answered succinctly, leading Casey to frown as he thought for a few seconds.

"I'm missing days… missing weeks?" he questioned, the last thing he could remember clearly was something about a Thanksgiving Dinner, after that it was all a haze of blurred memories.

"That's ok," Severide reassured him. "You're not in any pain are you? Your back still aching?"

"Back always… always aches… why… why can't I… I move?"

Severide gave a sad smile, unable to say much to help Casey at this point. "Can I lie with you? I don't want to hurt you."

Casey smiled at the thought, longing for Severide's touch and real physical presence next to him, not just as a hand to hold, he felt so weak and vulnerable, more so than he ever had before. Severide pulled down the guard rail on the left side, he very carefully got onto the bed, lying on his side next to Casey, who had finally closed his eyes and tried to relax now the heat pad was starting to relieve the pain.  
  
After some time Casey raised a hand and brushed Severide's arm, stroking it as he thought. "Is this gonna be it 'til I get a kidney or I... or I don't?" He had clearly been going to say something different but had stopped himself.

"I don't know, Matt," Severide's voice was almost a whisper, his lips only a couple of inches from Casey's ear. He heard Casey sigh.

"My body's so broken…" Casey muttered sadly.  
  


* * *

 

When Casey next woke up a few hours later Severide was sitting on the chair by his bed again. "You ok, Matty?" Severide asked as he watched Casey's eyes glance around the room.

Casey gave a short nod by way of affirmation. "Are you gonna go home?"

Severide just smiled. "I'm good here."

"You need a shower, some decent sleep and food that's not from the cafeteria… and you really, really need to shave." He grinned wearily.

"Got food from the stand out by…"

Casey stopped him mid-sentence. "You need to look after yourself. Bet you've not been to work either?"

"I'll go back to work next shift," Severide said. "Good enough for you?"

"All right, guess you can stay here a bit longer then," he conceded.

"Good." Severide smiled. "Are you ok? It's just that, well, you've not been asking anyone and everyone when you can get out of here yet?"

"Doesn't really matter." He shrugged a little at that.

"Don't say that," Severide told him.

"Kelly, my heart stopped," he responded. "I can barely move because my brain was starved of oxygen. I mean really, what else could go wrong at this point?"

"You're fine now, the doctor's fixed you up." Severide nodded. "And you'll get your strength back, you always do. You are a fighter, Matthew Casey, you'll be back to your usual determined self very soon, and you're so hot when you get all determined, and we'll be spending Christmas by the fire and you can laugh at me making dinner."

"You're gonna do Christmas dinner?" He smiled at that thought.

"I may not be the culinary expert that you are, but I'm fairly certain I can microwave a turkey," Severide teased just so he could watch Casey's smile increase and it did.

* * *

It was early in the morning when Shay appeared at Casey's hospital room door with a smile on her face. "Hey, you," Casey smiled tiredly back as she entered his room. "To what do I owe this visit?"

"I brought toiletries." She smiled, holding up a small zip lock bag and taking in Casey's tired and worn features, he looked ill although she'd been told he was doing so much better now. "Figured Kelly being Kelly got you clothes, but didn't think about toiletries," she said with a grin, trying not to focus too much on Casey even though she just wanted go up to him and give him a hug, he'd been through so much, much more than any one person should have to go through.

"You're right there," he replied quietly. "Though I've yet to get out of bed for more than a few minutes. I just love those sponge baths," he rolled his eyes.

She took Severide's usual spot on the chair. "That's not the only reason I came, I wanted to see how you were doing but…"

"I don't know what's wrong with, Kelly," Casey began slowly. "I asked him, he said it was nothing, at first I thought it was just because he was worried, you know how he gets, but… I think there's something else."

She nodded. "Yeah, there is."

"You know? He told you?"

"Matt, when you woke up… when you woke up you had temporary amnesia from the lack of oxygen," Shay began.

"Yeah, he said." Casey nodded.

"You didn't know who Kelly was, but you didn't even know your own name…"

"What did I do?" his voice cracked.

* * *

Later that day Casey was sitting up in bed, he'd spent most of his time asleep after Shay had left. He was snuggled in a dark blue bathrobe and red checked flannel pyjamas, Severide had bought them for him a couple of days ago to help him keep warm and save him from wearing the flimsy hospital gown. The nurse had helped him change after helping him bathe, an indignity he'd become very used to during his last long hospital stay. She'd had to remove and reattach his IV line, but other than that it had been fairly straightforward because the nasal cannula had now been removed, and only the ECG leads remained. She'd tucked up the end of his right pant leg and shaved off his stubble at his request.

Severide had a smile on his face when he entered Casey's hospital room. "You're looking better," he said as Casey smiled back at him.

"I feel good today," Casey responded honestly. "Well, better that I did feel." His chest was still incredibly sore and he still didn't have the strength to hold his own head up for long, but he did at least manage to grab the TV remote control the previous night so he could fall asleep to the sound of infomercials rather than his own thoughts.

"You sleep all right?"

"Took a while to fall asleep but slept through the night for the first time," Casey replied.

"That's really good, Matt." He beamed. "And you look good in these." He grinned, tugging at Casey's bathrobe sleeve and leaning over to kiss the top of his head before he sat down by the bed.

"I don't care what I look like, they're keeping me warm..." Casey laughed.

"All right, grandpa."

"Hey, you chose them…" Casey scoffed.

"Yeah." He nodded. "You look adorable."

"Adorable isn't a look I ever go for." Casey laughed again.

Severide's expression turned serious. "Have you seen the doctor today?"

"Yeah, during rounds," he replied. "Nothing new."

"Ok. I'm looking forward to getting you home," Severide told him.

"So you can make fun of cosy pyjamas?" he questioned with a smile.

"I love that you look adorable." Severide grinned.

"Please, please stop associating me with the word adorable!" He laughed, wincing slightly as he jarred his ribs. "The kittens are adorable. I am not."

Severide was still grinning. "You are probably as damaged as Pumpkin is, if not more."

"You're comparing me to a kitten?" He smiled. "Reckon those two are stronger than I am right now," he added sadly.

"Probably very true," Severide said.  
  
There was a comfortable silence for a while, Severide adjusted Casey's pillows, making sure they were just right, he pulled the bathrobe across his chest and lifted up the spare blanket, spreading it over Casey's body. The room hardly resembled as hospital room at all anymore, not with all the home furnishings Severide had provided. He really was so much more thoughtful than most people thought. Shay always told Casey that it was because he truly loved him, that she'd never seen him do anything like he did to Casey for anyone else. And Casey had never felt so loved before.

"I upset you," Casey began after a while, he'd been watching Severide's face and he could still see the hurt the man felt. "I don't remember it, I'm actually glad I don't remember, because I'd never want to upset you and I said…"

"Shay told you," Severide said.

He nodded a little. "I am sorry, Kelly, I can't take back what I said because I don't even…"

"Matt," Severide stopped him. "You weren't you. Yes, it upset me because… because I thought I'd lost you, because I was… I am blaming myself for what happened, because I should have woken you up as soon as I got home, I was cooking myself breakfast whilst you lying unconscious about to have a cardiac arrest… I could have stopped that, the paramedics would have got there sooner and you'd have had a shockable rhythm…"

He stared at Severide and shook his head. "My heart was surrounded by fluid, really it wouldn't have made a difference and I'm alive so…" He smiled a little.

"Stop saying stuff just to make me feel better, that's what I'm supposed to do." Severide smiled back.

* * *

Casey had been in the hospital a whole week now. "Morning, Matt," his cheery-faced day nurse entered his room. "How are you doing?"

"Dialysis today?" he asked, his voice subdued.

"Yeah," she nodded. "You feel like you need it?"

Casey just nodded a little.

"We have been pumping you full of fluid," she commented.  "Now, rather than deflecting with a question are you gonna answer me; how are you doing this morning?"

"Sore," he replied simply.

"Bowel movements?" she questioned as she unhooked his chart from the end of the bed.

"None, and I do not need to go so please don't go digging out the laxatives." The corners of his mouth turned up into a slight smile.

"Your chart says your goal for yesterday was to get out of bed, did you?" she questioned. She'd had the day off yesterday.

He shook his head. "Sat up, that's as far as I got."

"Well, we definitely need to get you up today then, ok?"

"Sure." He paused for a moment. "Can I bribe you?"

She broke into a wide grin. "Can you bribe me?"

"If I get up can I lose the IV? I'm fine swallowing my meds," he said. "Makes your job a little easier too." She just stood watching him as he continued to speak. "I'm eating. Mostly. I'm not constantly pressing my call light. I'm being an exceptionally good patient." There was a small hint of humour in his eyes.

"So… crutches or walker?"

He considered the question for a few moments and decided it was safer to go for the latter choice. "Walker… does that mean I'll lose the IV?"

"I will think about it." She smiled.

"That means yes." He smiled back at her.

"It means I'm thinking about it, Matt." She grinned at his persistence, pleased to see he had some spirit left.

"I'm definitely losing it," he said, still smiling.

"If you're not careful you'll lose bathroom privileges."

"I've not stepped foot in that bathroom yet, and besides that would be more work for you," he countered.

"And who says I'm adverse to more work?"

"So am I losing the IV or not?"

"Anyone ever tell you you're persistent and stubborn?"

"All the time, so you may as well just get rid of it now." Suddenly the smile faded from Casey's face and he visibly paled.

"Matt? You all right?" she asked, replacing the chart at the end of the bed.

"Erm... yeah, tired... it's just hit me... sorry," he muttered.

"Ok, well, just finish your breakfast, get some rest and I'll be back with a walker in a while. We'll get the IV removed later, sound good?"

"Mmm… yeah, good." He smiled wearily at her.

* * *

Later that day Casey did get up and out of bed for the first time since he'd been admitted. By the time the nurse brought the walker to him Severide had arrived and together they got him sitting up on the side of the bed, surprisingly without his usual protest that he could do it on his own. He stood up shakily and gripped the bars of the frame as hard as he could, he waited until the nurse told him he could sit down again, when he did he let out a long breath of relief. Severide had the biggest smile across his face at the achievement, and the nurse encouraged him into standing up a couple more times before they called it a day. Hopefully the next day they would have him taking a few steps.

Once Casey was settled back in bed, Severide took his hand and gave it a squeeze. "Well done, baby, you've gone through so much and you're still as strong as ever. I love you." Casey remained silent, just watching him. "To celebrate I thought I could go and get you some lunch that isn't hospital food?" He glanced over at the nurse, who nodded and smiled with approval at the idea.

"Sounds perfect." Casey gave Severide a tired smile. "I'll try and stay awake for you."  
  
Once Severide had gone in search of Casey's lunch, the nurse stayed in his room to remove the IV, covering the needle site with a band-aid. Just as she cleared up the kit and was leaving, Casey's doctor came into the room with a sombre expression on his face.  
  


* * *

 

When Severide arrived back with Casey's lunch the doctor was sitting by his bed, a folder of notes was on his knees. Casey was just looking at the man, his eyes darkened and almost watery, his face pale. "Hey," Severide greeted. "Everything ok?"

A pang of worry hit Severide as he watched Casey. It took him a few seconds to compose himself and look up at Severide but when he did he smiled. "Everything's fine Kelly," he answered softly before turning back to the doctor. "I can get out of here soon, right?"

"All being well you'll be out of here before the holidays," the doctor told him.

"Ah, that's fantastic news." Severide grinned as he lifted the brown bag of food he'd picked up and placed it onto the swing table.

The doctor stood up. "If you have any questions about anything, Matt, then please don't hesitate to ask me."

"Thanks," Casey said as the doctor turned to leave.

"So… is everything ok?" Severide asked again, doubt was gnawing in the pit of his stomach.

"Yeah." He nodded towards the table. "What's for lunch then?"

"Burgers," Severide replied with a smile as he began to dish up the food.

"I get a burger?" he retorted, surprised, sure that Severide would only allow him to eat rabbit food after everything that had happened.

"It had a healthy heart simple next to it on the menu and low salt, so, yeah."

"Bet it's a load salad and veg disguised as a burger," he teased.

"It's not just salad, and I do know the difference between a cardiac arrest and a heart attack," Severide responded. "Besides, you've been here a week and you already look like you need building up."

"I'd eat more if I wasn't sleeping so much," he replied. "Let's see what you got then?" He smiled.

Severide moved the swing table. "They're from that fancy organic health nut joint a few blocks away."

"Wondered why you were out so long," Casey said, slowly picking up the burger and taking a small bite.

After a couple of mouthfuls Casey stopped. He watched Severide as he ate his lunch, taking in every single detail, his hands, his eyes, his mouth, his hair, all of it, he wanted it all to stay burned in his mind forever. He imagined being able to hear his steady heartbeat, it became louder and louder in his ears as he watched him. There was a look in Severide's eyes now, a look that had seemed to haunt him since Casey had regained consciousness. A look of worry, of fear almost, and a look that Casey didn't think would ever go.

"Not hungry?" Severide asked when he noticed Casey's almost untouched food. Casey was lost in thought and didn't reply. "Matt?"

"Sorry, what?" He frowned over to him.

"You feel all right?"

"I'm fine. I'm just… just not hungry." Casey watched as the look of worry in Severide's eyes increased. He had usually tried to hide his fears from Casey but at times he couldn't, and now Casey could see just how scared he was.

* * *

After just a few more days in the hospital Casey was discharged. He was getting up and out of bed much more easily now, but still lacked the majority of his strength so his regular physiotherapy sessions with Ty would resume once again. The doctor had given Casey a long list of aftercare requirements and more follow-up appointments, and also advised him to speak to his therapist as soon as he could.

Severide had helped Casey to dress whilst he sat at the edge of the hospital bed, and then helped him into his chair, he had no determination to walk out of the hospital. When Casey had told him the chair was just fine there was that look on Severide's face again, but the man obliged and didn't try to get him to put the prosthetic on.

Casey settled into the passenger seat of Severide's car. Severide got in a few moments after he heard the trunk slam shut. "Ok, all sorted. Ready to get out of here?" Severide asked, grinning happily at him.  
  
But Casey kept staring straight ahead.  
  
"Matt?"

"I wanna go home," Casey said quietly, his eyes not shifting their gaze, he didn't want to look at Severide.

"Finally, thought you'd never say that." Severide was still smiling as he put the key in the ignition.

"No," he spoke. "I mean my house."

"To get the rest of your stuff? Sure… maybe another day though."

"No," he said quietly.

"You want us to live there instead?" Severide's brows knitted. He thought it was an odd time to bring this up ,but maybe after yet another hospital stay Casey just wanted the comfort of his own home again for a while. "I just thought my place was a little more suitable for getting around and…"

"I want to live there," he spoke forcefully. "On my own."

Severide just sat back in his seat, stunned. He couldn't quite believe what Casey was saying. "Are you..." Severide's voice cracked as he continued. "Are you breaking up with me?"

"Yes."


	24. Alone

It had been a few days since Casey's discharge from the hospital, a few days since he had ended his relationship with Severide, a few days since he had returned to his own house. It hadn't been lived in for over a year and even then he hadn't lived there much as he'd spent most of his downtime at Severide's apartment. The place had a thin coat of dust everywhere, it was cold and a little damp even though they'd tried to maintain the place and put the heating on every so often during the winter to keep it aired while Casey decided what he was going to do with the house. He'd never moved all his things over to Severide's apartment simply because there wasn't the need but it was also apparent that the house was nowhere near as well equipped for his needs as Severide's apartment had been. When Severide had driven Casey back to his house instead of the apartment after his discharge he had offered to stay and help set the place up, offered to come back and make sure the place would be completely accessible for him, but Casey had refused, seemingly just cutting Severide off and so he had had no real choice but to leave Casey at the door with just the bag he had left hospital with.

It was Christmas Eve and most the homes in Chicago were decorated for the holidays with lights and trees, full of festive food and drink, and excitement. But at Casey's house there was no evidence it was even the holiday season apart from the amount of Christmas movies showing on the TV channels and Pumpkin's new cat toy, a green plaything shaped like a Christmas tree.

Casey was sitting on his couch, where he had spent most of the afternoon, his dialysis session earlier in the day had drained him of the little energy he had. The TV wasn't even on. He had spent a little time playing with Pumpkin, who was now lying curled up by his side as he flipped unseeingly through a newspaper and sat alone with his thoughts. His chest still pained him, underneath his many layers his pale skin was discoloured with bruises, and he felt like he was popping painkillers like candy but he really didn't care, they made him feel sleepy and he liked it.

A knock at his front door broke into his thoughts and he got up with one arm wrapped round his fractured and battered ribs. He unlocked the door and opened it to find Severide standing there holding a large cardboard box.

"Hey," Severide greeted him with a small smile, trying to hide his upset at Casey's appearance, he'd expected him to start looking much better now he'd been out of the hospital for some time but instead he looked worse, still as pale as ever and the shadows around his eyes now seemed to be permanent features. He continued, "Brought the last of your stuff and there's a couple of toys in there that Midnight doesn't touch so figured Pumpkin might like them."

"Thanks Kelly," Casey nodded, reaching to take the box from Severide. But Severide held on to it and the silence between them was palpable, awkward.

"How you doing? You ok?" Severide enquired politely but there was a genuine caring tone in his voice. It had been a couple of days since he had last seen Casey, when he'd come by with most of Casey's things from the apartment, and brought along Pumpkin, saying that she'd always preferred Casey. It was the longest period of time he hadn't seen or spoken to Casey for as long as he'd known him. As Severide peered into the house he could see that just like his own apartment the place was free of decoration, he'd half hoped that Casey would have at least made some effort as he had always enjoyed the holidays.

"I'm all right," Casey replied plainly.

"Sorry I shouldn't be asking, should I?" he said with a slight shrug although his eyes were on the arm that Casey had wrapped around his chest. The sound of Casey's ribs cracking entered his head, he mentally shook the image away.

"Habit I guess," Casey replied.

"You are doing ok, aren't you Matty?" he hadn't been able to stop himself using the endearing name he had always used for Casey when they had been together, "Making all your appointments and everything?"

Casey just shrugged, his eyes heavy, "Yeah."

"All right well I'll leave you to it... or you wanna hand taking this box in?" he questioned hopefully.

"I got it but thanks," Casey took the box from him.

"Matt," Severide began before Casey could close the front door.

"Yeah?" he said, hand still on the door handle.

"Merry Christmas."

"Yeah. You too." Casey closed the door on Severide, locked it, turned around, let go of the box so it fell to floor and leant back on door letting out a long shuddering breath. His eyes had filled with tears but he was damned if he was going to let everything get to him. He didn't know how long he'd been stood there when his leg started to cramp. He took a deep breath, carefully bent down and picked up the box and took it to the dining room table. He grabbed a cat toy and forced a smile onto his face. "Hey you," he began, his voice shaky, calling over to Pumpkin who was waking up from her nap now, "Look what I've got for you…"

The two of them spent Christmas Day entirely alone. They both sat on their couches. Severide flicked through his TV. Casey didn't even bother to turn his TV on. Severide heated up some leftover food. Casey got up, looked into his fridge and sat back down empty handed, he'd had his grocery shopping delivered and had plenty in, it was appetite he lacked. Severide eyed his phone all day, hoping for a message or a call from Casey, but he received nothing. Casey eyed his phone all day, he wanted to send Severide a message, he wanted to call him, he wanted to explain but he couldn't, he knew everything would be better if it all went down like this.

* * *

Christmas passed by and it was soon nearly the New Year. Severide had never expected to be entering 2016 without the man he loved by his side, he busied himself with his work, he snapped at everyone at the firehouse, and he kept retreating to be on his own.

"Hey you..." Shay greeted. She had walked straight into Severide's quarters without knocking as usual. He was hunched over a large pile of forms and files on the desk in front of him, twiddling a pen in his fingers, clearly distracted and not doing his paperwork. He didn't even look up as she spoke, "Kelly? You ok?"

"Huh? What?" he swung around a little in his chair.

"Are you ok?" Shay repeated.

"Fine," he replied.

"And how's Casey doing? Been what? Two weeks since he was discharged?"

"Er… yeah two weeks today," he said.

"He's all right?" she asked again, "Kelly?"

He let out a long breath, "I don't know if he's ok."

"He's closing down again?"

"Could say that."

The tone of Severide's voice told her something was very wrong. She was well attuned to her best friend and knew all was not well here. "Kelly what's happened?"

"He's gone Shay."

"What do you mean? Gone where?" she just stared at Severide, her face perplexed by what he had said.

"He's left me and gone back to his house."

"What?"

"He left me two weeks ago."

"I heard what you said, what are you talking about?"

"We broke up. He left me and I didn't do anything to stop it... I couldn't," Severide was clearly still so distressed and uptight about Casey.

Shay touched his arm comfortingly. "Have you seen him since?" she asked.

"Not since Christmas Eve. He looked ill Shay… but I've seen him look worse."

"You spent Christmas on your own?"

"With a bottle of whiskey if that counts," Severide smiled humourlessly.

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"Because I was hoping it would just… I don't know what I was hoping… that I'd wake up from this nightmare maybe…"

"Is he managing okay? How did he seem?" Shay quizzed him further, concerned about Casey now she knew he was on his own back at his house.

"I don't know and I'm trying so hard not to care," he turned round so he was fully facing her, "Want to go out tomorrow night?"

It was almost as if Severide was trying to divert the conversation away from the subject of Casey. Shay didn't want to ignore the real issue here but she also didn't want to push Severide too much so she just nodded, "Sure."

* * *

One morning in late January Casey had struggled so much to get up and out of bed that he had almost given in and called into work sick. But he had fought it and eventually managed to get himself to the academy in time to teach his class, although he had to use his wheelchair. He knew he wouldn't be able to cope with teaching two classes with his prosthetic on and just using his crutches so he resigned himself to having to use the chair when he finally managed to get his uncooperative body out of bed.

The day seemed to drag on, he'd never resulted in using his wheelchair at work and it felt like a new low to him, no-one said anything though and for that he was grateful. Casey was wheeling himself along the corridor after his second class when a familiar voice boomed behind him, "Matt!'"

Casey stopped and closed his eyes momentarily and took a breath. He felt so tired and just didn't want to talk to anyone right now but he plastered another smile on his face and turned his chair around. "Chief," he greeted the Firehouse 51 leader.

"I did wonder if I might see you here today," Boden told him, extending a hand to Casey, who shook it politely.

"What are you doing here Chief?" he asked, wishing he could just get back to the comfort and safety of home.

"Guest seminar in half an hour," Boden explained.

"Ah I should have known," he smiled.

"Last minute thing. I'm sure someone must have dropped out and I was second best," Boden observed with a smile.

"I doubt that."

"Anyway enough about me, how are you? You and Kelly should come over to mine for dinner. I'm sure Kelly won't mind his chief cooking him a great steak. I'll speak to him later, get it organised..."

"Don't…" Casey said suddenly, wincing almost as it dawned on him what he'd just said, "I mean, leave it to me. I'll organise it, you could maybe even come over to ours, we'll get something sorted."

"Good, I'll look forward to it." Then he added softly, "You've been missed Matt but I do understand. How are you getting on with the teaching? I've heard good things, but I didn't expect to hear anything less."

"It's… it gives me something to do, a purpose I suppose," Casey said honestly. He looked at his watch, "You should probably get going. Don't want you being late..."

Casey felt himself relax as soon as Boden was out of sight and he started back on his journey home. Getting his wheelchair folded and into the back of his truck on his own was a hassle of grand proportions but he'd done it a few times now without any major incidents, however it did leave him with little energy so he went ten minutes or so before he drove. Once home he battled with his exhaustion, got the chair ready and wheeled himself up the ramp onto his porch. Since he had moved out of Severide's apartment he'd had to make some adjustments to his house, the ramp being one of them, and the other one simply being the shower seat he'd purchased for the bathroom. He had nowhere close to the amount of aids he'd had at Severide's apartment but he was managing to get by. Mostly.

Later that evening Casey was sitting at the dining table marking some test papers. It seemed like an endless task and not one he was sure he could keep on doing for much longer, his concentration was waning, but he kept on going and finally had done the last one. Some of his students had managed very high scores. He packed away the marked papers and decided to take a shower now his body ached from sitting for most of the day.

Casey was sitting in the tub on the shower seat a while later, letting the stream of warm water soothe and relax the tense muscles in his shoulder and back. Balancing on one leg was not his strong point especially after such a day but he realised with an annoyed curse under his breath that he'd forgotten to put the shower gel within reach before he had sat down. He pushed himself up but it only proved to be yet another mistake.

Before he could do anything to stop himself he was on the floor of the tub wincing with the pain of the fall. He lay there for some time, winded and having to stay still until the pain subsided so he could start trying to get back up. Severide had anti-slip mats place in the bottom of his bath and shower cubicle, something Casey lay thinking about as he remained at the bottom of his tub. He tried so hard not think about Severide but he'd never leave his mind. He really realised how much Severide had done for him though, he felt a pang of regret and of guilt. As he lay on his back under the shower stream he also figured there were a lot of things he should be dealing with regarding house adaptations. He made a mental note to deal with them as soon as he felt up to it but he didn't know if that time would ever come.

* * *

The cold month of January turned into the equally cold month of February. Snow didn't make Casey's life any easier. He struggled enough as it was without the white blanket that still covered the city and he still hadn't made any further adjustments to the house, it felt like it didn't matter anymore, that he'd just cope with how it was until it was all over anyway.

Casey was sitting on the bench along the side of the rehab suite, taking a bit of a breather during a session with Ty. Sitting himself down next to Casey Ty spoke, "How's Kelly doing? Haven't seen him for a while. Busy?"

"He's just at home," Casey told him, hating how he'd gotten into the habit of not telling the truth to people. Telling them lies. But he supposed it may not be an actual lie as such, just not telling them the truth. Severide most likely would be at home. If he wasn't on shift that is. Casey had lost track of Severide's shifts anyway, and that thought did bother him.

''You two doing anything on Valentine's Day?"

"Not sure, don't think so," he replied. That wasn't a lie, he wasn't doing anything to celebrate it and he didn't know if Severide would be so he hadn't lied to Ty really. He was getting so tired of it all. He should have just said the truth but now weeks later he just didn't want to admit it because admitting it meant letting the few people around him know his life was falling apart, or rather had fallen apart.

Ty shrugged as he said, "Just a load of commercialism anyway I suppose."

"Yeah guess it is," he responded quietly.

"Are you all right Matt? I mean, really all right? You've not been yourself for weeks, not since…"

"I'm dealing with it," Casey said quickly, interrupting Ty. Another lie. He knew he wasn't dealing with it.

"And Kelly is too?"

"Yeah," he nodded, "We're dealing with it together, like always, and I feel great… " And there it was. One more lie. "Although could we end this session early?"

"Sure Matt, if that's what you want," Ty told him. Casey had been off for weeks, ever since his cardiac arrest in December, and it hadn't gone unnoticed. Ty put it down to everything that had happened, and the fact that Casey had more or less had to re-learn how to walk again due to his loss of strength. But he was doing much better now. He seemed to be up and around almost with the ease he used to. He did tire incredibly easily, but as everyone kept saying, it could have all been so much worse, something Casey was sick of hearing yet he said it himself all the time under the façade he had created.

* * *

Severide was sat in the common room reading a newspaper when Boden passed through and requested that he follow, when they entered his office Severide spoke, "What's up Chief?"

"You and Casey," Boden spoke quite bluntly.

"What about me and Casey?" his heart hammered in his chest. He knew he should have told Boden, he knew the man would find out eventually and he knew he'd receive a lecture for not informing him because Casey on his own was never a good thing no matter how much he desperately tried to push everyone away.

"Are you two good?" Boden asked.

"Erm…" Severide hadn't been expecting that.

"I spoke to Matt a few weeks ago, bumped into him at the Academy," he said.

Severide fought the urge to ask him how Casey was, "Yeah? He didn't mention it." He paused and started again, "He didn't mention it because… because he moved out and I really should have told you because I know you'd like to keep an eye on him."

"He moved out?" concerned etched Boden's weathered features.

"Just before Christmas," Severide admitted.

"And you're only telling me now?" Boden questioned with disbelief, "He's on his own?"

"He's perfectly fine on his own," but he didn't believe his own words.

"What happened?"

"If you find out then let me know," Severide shook his head.

"Have you kept in touch?" Boden asked, "Is he managing?"

"I don't know. I hope he is."

* * *

Casey was sat in his wheelchair in his doctor's office, he'd been in for his check-up and some routine tests. "How's everything looking?" he asked as the doctor came back into the room.

"Nothing looks any worse and your bloods are relatively good," the man replied as he sat down opposite Casey and folding his hands on the desk in front of him, "Now, how are you doing? You've lost some weight."

"Not noticed," he gave a small shrug then spoke slowly, a little hesitantly, "I actually wondered if you could prescribe me some sleeping pills? Just something to help me fall asleep and stay asleep."

"Have your nightmares increased? Flashbacks?"

"I think the stronger painkillers I was taking up until a few weeks ago were making me sleepy and helped me stay asleep, right now my body gets exhausted so easily but my head is… I just can't shut it off," he admitted and even his doctor understood what a big thing it was for Casey to admit something like this, for him to ask for help.

"The nightmares are waking you again?"

"It's a…" he sighed, it actually felt good to be talking and explaining everything even though it went against every fibre of his being, "It's actually a different nightmare, or one I never had very often before. I think it's… think it's because I was stuck in the ICU again and I still can't remember the couple of weeks leading up to that."

"Are you still taking the anti-depressants?"

"I stopped, maybe four months ago now, they made me nauseous and never seemed to work," he replied.

"Ok well I'll prescribe you something, give you a weeks worth and we'll see if they work for you," the doctor nodded. "You're using the wheelchair again. Your physio was going well? You've recovered most of your strength?"

"Yeah pretty much but sometimes I… sometimes I think I've taken a step but I haven't and sometimes I go to grab a door handle and I'm nowhere near it. But that's not really why I'm using this, I was managing just fine but sometimes this is just so much easier and…" he trailed off, aware what his next words could imply but he really couldn't be bothered with any of it anymore. With physio. With work. With walking. With getting out of bed in the morning. Because what was the point now?

"And?" the doctor prompted.

"It's just easier," he repeated with another small shrug.

"I mentioned before about the possibility that we'd need to give more regular transfusions to counteract the…"

"I don't want them, not yet anyway," Casey spoke before the doctor could finish.

"Ok," he nodded, "Well if you've not any questions or anything you want to bring up then I think we're done for today."


	25. Orlovsky

Life went on and it felt lifeless without Severide in it but Casey'd had no choice, he couldn't hurt the man any more than he already had. Casey was spending his time away from work and the hospital entirely alone, he'd had several messages from Evan wondering if he and Severide wanted to meet up, he'd had some messages and missed phone calls from Shay, it was clear that Severide had told her what had happened, he didn't reply to any of them. On the days he didn't have to leave the house he'd only drag himself out of bed to feed Pumpkin. He soon began to dread having to go out at all because of the huge effort it took him and before long he struggled to even get up to feed Pumpkin. She pawed at him as he lay in bed, eyes glazed over to the world, lost in deep thoughts or nothing at all. She'd continue to paw at him until he eventually realised she was hungry. He'd slowly push the bed covers away, they felt like a heavy weight holding him down and the air outside of them was cold and harsh even with the heating on. His bedroom light was permanently on and his curtains were permanently shut and his kitchen was hardly stocked except for a good supply of cat food and litter he'd ordered online in bulk.

Severide had tried desperately hard to move on, to forget about Casey and get on with his life but Casey was unforgettable and he'd never be able to forgive himself if something happened to him so every few days he'd drive by Casey's house even though it was out his way and he'd check that Casey was getting his mail, that he was leaving the house, that nothing terrible had happened to him. He spent most of his downtime either out drinking or sat alone in the apartment with Midnight. There were still so many reminders of Casey in the apartment. He hadn't taken down any of the grab rails, removed the shower seat or any of the adjustments he'd made to the apartment. Part of him wanted to get rid of it all, part of him wanted to stop checking by on Casey's house but every time he checked he longed to walk up to the front door and demand entrance, he wanted to demand an explanation, but he couldn't. He couldn't forget about Casey yet he couldn't bring himself to slam down his front door. He only hoped Casey's emotions weren't in the same mess that his were. At least he had Shay, his career, at least he could go out and have fun drinking away his sorrows.

* * *

Shelley, the dialysis nurse, walked up to Casey's side with a smile on her face, his low mood in the last couple of months had not gone unnoticed by her and the other staff in the nephrology unit, but despite her efforts he'd not let her know what was on his mind, this depression wasn't unexpected after the news he'd been given two months ago but there seemed to be no let up. "How are you doing Matt?" she questioned, the cheery smile still on her face, "Few more minutes and you'll be done. Got the feeling back in your hand yet?"

Casey just shook his head.

"Driving back today?" she asked. He nodded. "You'll probably need to wait a little after the session's over then, got anywhere to be?"

"Do I ever?" he cracked a small smile. Today had been a good day so far. He'd got up, put on his prosthetic, fed Pumpkin, he'd spilt some milk in the process but didn't clean it up since he knew that she'd happily lap it up off the kitchen floor. He had eaten some breakfast and had shaved for the first time in days. He hadn't even been overly worried by the loss of sensation in his hand during dialysis that day. It happened every so often, although more regularly these days, but today he could deal with it. Some days he could deal with anything the world threw at him even if Severide wasn't by his side.

The dialysis machine emitted a short beep indicating that the session was complete, the nurse smiled, "There we go. Let's get these needles out."

Casey smiled wearily back at her. "They should make them smaller, never really minded needles before all this but they're just massive," he made a face.

"Believe it or not there are much bigger needles out there," she spoke as she got to work on removing the tubing.

"Well as long as I never have to see one of them then I'm happy…" he watched as she removed the second needle from his arm and a thick trail of bright red blood followed. Shelley placed a white gauze pad over the hole but it quickly became saturated. He sighed audibly, "Not this again."

"We'll get it stopped just like before," the nurse spoke calmly.

Casey sat watching as a thin trail of blood escaped despite the pressure she was applying either side of the needle site. He wondered idly how much blood he would need to lose before it would all be over, how long it would take if she just removed her hand. Probably not long because it would just pump vigorously out of his artery in time with his heartbeat.

She was holding Casey's arm up now and the heart monitor was blaring angrily as his blood pressure dropped. Another staff member was now at Casey's bedside. Blood was still pumping from the needle site, running down his arm and pooling on the white pad below his elbow. He was beginning to feel lightheaded now.

"Matt we're going to take you down to the ER, ok? There's a team waiting for you," Shelley explained, her voice sounded as though it was far off in the distance.

"No…" he muttered, "Just wait, it'll stop…"

"It will stop but you need some extra help," she nodded. They wheeled him along into the elevator, all the while she kept direct pressure on the needle site, trying to alleviate the flow of bright red blood. Casey's eyes began to roll as more blood flowed from his arm, soaking all the gauze pads. "Matt, need you to stay with me… Matt…" They raced him out of the elevator on the ER floor as he fell unconscious.

Casey was bleeding arterially. The blood was pumping out of his fistula site and direct pressure wasn't slowing down the bleed. His blood wasn't clotting because of the medications he took. The ER doctor didn't want to damage or destroy the graft so he opted for doing to two figure of eight stitches around the bleeding site. Shelley stayed with him the entire time, long after she was no longer needed.

"Hey honey," Shelley spoke softly as Casey's eyes began to flicker open as the ER staff were clearing up around him, one of the nurses was wrapping up his arm in bandages. "You're in the ER, we had trouble stopping your fistula site from bleeding. It's stopped now."

"Remember…" he muttered up at her, eyes half lidded because of the bright light in the procedure room.

"Good," she smiled, "How are you feeling?"

"Erm… I don't know," he muttered again.

"Ok, well I wouldn't make sudden movements, all right? You're gonna be dizzy, you're going to get some fluids though, you need them, don't worry they won't overload you," she explained.

"Why?" his voice was little more than a whisper now.

She frowned, not quite sure what he was asking, "Why it started bleeding? It just happens, it's complication of having…"

"No…"

"Why it didn't stop? Some of the medication you're on stops your blood from clotting, it was an arterial bleed so it's much more difficult to get it under control," she told him, "Are you comfortable, do you need anything?"

"My leg," he muttered, "Can you take my leg off? Please…"

"Course Matt," she smiled.

"You just need to…"

"I got it, don't worry," she reassured him as she slipped his loose grey joggers down and removed his prosthetic and the liner, "Better?" she asked as she watched him weakly massage the residual limb.

"Mmm…" he muttered tiredly.

"Now, do want me to call Kelly? You shouldn't drive home and you need him to keep an eye on you…"

"No," he shook his head.

"Is he at work?"

"I don't know… I mean, yes…"

"Matt what's happened? Why don't you want me to call Kelly?" she asked him with sincerity in her voice.

He couldn't be bothered with his pretence any longer. The blood loss, the constant exhaustion, the loneliness, the pain, it was all too much. His voice cracked as he spoke, "Why do you care?"

"Part of the job description," she smiled softly.

Casey just looked at her for a few moments, he wasn't really thinking or considering anything, there wasn't much going through his mind, in fact his mind felt oddly blank, "You want to know?" he asked, as if it was so rare for anyone to take an interest in him, and it had been rare before Severide.

"I won't judge," she told him.

"I left Kelly. I left him."

"You left him?" she couldn't help but repeat, she'd not been expecting him to say that.

"Well he couldn't exactly leave me so I had to do something, had to release him from his obligation," Casey spoke almost monotonously.

She shook her head slowly, "I don't think he felt obligated to stay with you."

"Of course he did."

"Is there anyone else I can call for you?" she asked, "You'll need to be observed here otherwise."

"There's no-one."

"Matt let me call Kelly, I'm sure he'd help out, I know you don't want to be stuck here for 24 hours."

"No," he said firmly.

"All right, I won't," she knew there was no point in trying anymore, she'd known Casey long enough now. "Is there really no-one else I can call?" she questioned.

"I don't know..." he replied quietly, "I don't want to bother anyone."

"I think you've done enough to deserve interrupting someone's day and asking for a little time."

"I don't deserve anything."

"You're a good person Matt," she told him.

"You don't know me," he murmured.

"I know you're lost right now," she spoke, "And I know you won't let anyone in. You got some terrible news a couple of months ago, how you're feeling about it all is understandable."

Casey remained silent.

"You're not alone Matt, and if you really don't want me to call anyone then I'll stay down here with you…"

"What? Why?" he frowned.

"Because you're not alone," she insisted.

Still frowning Casey continued, "But you have things to do, everyone has stuff to do."

"You don't know that until we make some phone calls," she replied.

He shook his head, "I don't want to call anyone, I don't know anyone other than people I worked with well enough to just call them like this and I… and I can't call them…" he said, distress in his tone.

* * *

In the end Shelley had contacted Chaplain Orlovsky, having finally persuaded Casey to let her call him. She had gone to the ER entrance to meet him. "Thank you for coming," Shelley spoke.

"No problem," the silver haired man responded kindly. "What happened?" he asked. She explained as they began to walk along to the bay where Casey was, leading Orlovsky to ask another question, "How is he handling everything? I've not spoken to him since he was injured, he didn't return any of my calls."

"He's been doing well until recently. I tried not to get involved but he's such a good person and he's been through so much, I just didn't want him to be alone in here."

"You're right, he didn't deserve any of what's happened to him, and he is a good person, one of the best lieutenants I ever met," Orlovsky commented. They passed several bays until Shelley showed the Chaplain into the one at the far end where Casey was being kept for observation.

They stood by Casey's bedside, "He's asleep right now but they've removed the IV so he can go home if he feels up to it once he's awake. You would just need to stay with him for twenty-four hours to ensure he recovers without any more complications."

Orlovsky waited patiently by Casey's side once Shelley had left, it wasn't too long before he began to stir a little. After a momentary soundless movement of his lips, he managed to speak. "Chaplain..." he murmured.

"Hi there Matt," Orlovsky smiled down at him.

"I'm sorry, I didn't…"

"I don't need or want any apologies," Orlovsky cut him off, "How are you feeling? The nurse said you're going to be pretty tired, probably a little lightheaded still."

"M'ok," Casey replied, hardly hearing what Orlovsky was saying. He still felt dizzy and sick from the blood loss.

"There's a fresh top for you to change into here," he held up the scrub top that Shelley had managed to find for him to replace the blood-soaked shirt that they'd had to cut away.

Once Casey had changed they were soon on their way to his house, most of the journey was spent in a blur until suddenly the Chaplain was helping him out of his car and into the wheelchair the hospital had provided. Orlovsky wheeled him up the ramp to his front door. Casey shakily pulled out his house keys, he was thankful when the Chaplain took them from him and unlocked the front door. As he got inside Casey realised he would have to go and lie down before he passed out in the chair. Pumpkin had come straight to him the moment he appeared through the door, mewing furiously and pawing at the base of the wheelchair, but he just moved away gently, unable to deal with her at that moment. He excused himself, he didn't even try to make Orlovsky leave, he knew it would be impossible, instead he just took himself straight to bed with little care in the world.

When Casey woke up, it took him some time to figure out quite why Chaplain Orlovsky was sitting in the chair in his bedroom and to begin with he briefly thought he might be hallucinating. Orlovsky must have seen the realisation in his face because he spoke up, "You're already looking a bit better Matt."

"Has it..." Casey began but the words caught in his throat and he could barely speak. He cleared his throat and tried again, "Has it been twenty-four hours yet?"

"You want to get rid of me already?" Orlovsky smiled kindly at the younger man in the bed.

"No," Casey shook his head, wiping his tired eyes, "It's just… I don't know what day it is..."

That tore at Orlovsky's heartstrings, "It's Wednesday Matt, the 24th, it's almost 8am, you've slept for about fourteen hours."

The alarm on Casey's wrist watch started to chime. "Need my meds," he muttered as he pushed himself up onto his elbows and started to reach over to the nightstand where he kept his pill organisers.

Orlovsky got there before him, he pulled out the organised and picked up the empty glass, "I'll get you some fresh water, do you need something to eat with them?"

"Be ok on an empty stomach," Casey replied as he watched Orlovsky leave the room. The sudden realisation hit him that his house was a terrible mess but he didn't care as much as he felt he ought to.

"I fed your cat last night," Orlovsky smiled as he sat down, "She's a beauty. Pumpkin?" he passed Casey the glass of water and the pills marked for Wednesday AM. There were a lot of them.

Casey nodded as he swallowed down the pills, he shrugged a little, "It was Halloween," he said in explanation of her name. "You've been here all night?" he asked as Orlovsky took the glass away from him.

The Chaplain gave a nod, "And I'll be here all day too."

"I need to get my truck and…" Casey began to protest.

"You don't need to worry about that," he replied.

"You don't need to do stuff for me, I'm perfectly capable of…" Casey's voice trailed off and his brows knitted into a small frown, "You had to feed my cat? And my house is mess, isn't it?" he looked down sadly, "I'm sorry."

"I'll be honest Matt, I would have been surprised if it wasn't a mess, and you were really out of it yesterday, there was a reason you needed someone to take you home and to stay with you, because you wouldn't have able to feed your cat," Orlovsky told him sincerely.

Casey could see by the expression on Orlovsky's face that he was completely sincere with what he was saying, but he remained silent. He wasn't sure quite what to say to the Chaplain because part of him knew that the man was right, but part of him refused to believe he was right.

"You still look tired, are you supposed to be at work today?"

Casey nodded. "Damnit it…" he muttered. The last thing he was capable of just now was getting himself over to the Fire Academy and teaching a couple of classes.

"Ok, well you just stay here, I'll call in for you, do you want any breakfast?"

Casey shook his head.

"Ok, get some more rest then."

As Orlovsky left the room Casey spoke up, "There's not much but do help yourself to food. And thank you."

* * *

Later in the afternoon Casey managed to get up and onto his crutches, despite his bandaged arm still being somewhat painful, and he went through into the lounge to find the Chaplain sitting on the couch with Pumpkin curled up contentedly by his side. The TV was on and playing quietly as Casey made his way over. He could see that the entire house seemed to have been cleaned and tidied up.

"How are you feeling now?" Orlovsky greeted him.

"Much better," Casey replied honestly.

"Your truck is out front," Orlovsky told him, and seeing Casey's questioning look he explained in one word, "Boden."

"You tidied up," Casey said as he glanced around.

"I hope you don't mind," he said, "Daytime TV isn't great."

"So you decided cleaning was more entertaining?" Casey was more than a little amused at that thought and a genuine smile came to his face.

"Sit down," Orlovsky said, getting to his feet, "I'll make you something to eat." The chaplain headed for the kitchen, speaking as he went, "Do you get groceries delivered here or should I go to the store for you?"

"No need, I get them delivered."

"That's good. Now, what would you like? Cereal? Toast? Eggs?"

"Whatever you want to have," Casey retorted as he finally sat himself down on the couch, waking Pumpkin up. She stretched lazily and moved herself onto his lap. He peered down at her and realised he was still wearing the scrub top from the hospital.

After they had eaten some toast and eggs the Chaplain cheerfully cleared away the plates and sat back down on the couch. Orlovsky had been wanting to broach a subject he'd wondered about since he'd got the call from the hospital. "So Matt... you and Kelly?" he asked softly, not wanting to seem intrusive, but caring. The relationship between the two lieutenants had become well known after the explosion in which Casey had been so badly injured. They hadn't felt there was any point in keeping it a secret any more.

Casey just shook his head, eyes focused ahead on the TV screen.

"What happened?"

Casey took his time with his response, it was a few moments before he turned his head and look at the Chaplain. "I lost my leg, my kidneys, my career... so I pushed him away," he answered.

"You've been through a lot..." Orlovsky began.

"Don't give my actions any excuses," he turned away, "I don't deserve them."

"Matt you are a good person…"

"Don't," Casey stopped him. "I've messed up... but in the end he'll better off even though the one thing I never wanted was to be alone. All I've done is push everyone away including the one person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with."

"Do you think you can you fix it?"

"It's too late, way too late," he shook his head, looked at the time then suddenly spoke, "It's been twenty-four hours. Thank you for your help. You should go."

Orlovsky opened his mouth to protest but said nothing. He stood up, sighed softly, and turned back to Casey, "If you need anything just call me, anything at all, even if it's just giving you a hand with…"

"I won't need anything," Casey said abruptly, his face was a mask, "Thank you for coming."


	26. Cowboys and Nurses

It was April and Severide had moved on, or at least that's what he kept insisting when Shay enquired how he was doing, which was just about every day and often more than once. He had tried throwing himself into his work but the firehouse was still a constant reminder of Casey. Now spring was well on its way he had a couple of boats in the yard for some minor repairs, he tried to keep his time occupied with fixing those during his downtime but it wasn't enough to stop his thoughts from wondering.

He was sitting in his quarters when there was a knock on the door. He lifted a hand to indicate whoever it was to come in, but didn't look up. It was Capp, with a sheepish look on his face. "Hey Lieutenant…" he began.

"No you cannot back out," Severide retorted firmly, turning in his chair to face his Squad crew member.

"How did you know..."

So his guess had been right. Severide just sighed, "What's your excuse then?"

"I… I just...Vegas… I can't… it's... I have to help my mom out and..." Capp stumbled over his words but Severide wasn't in the mood to deal with his excuses.

"Right. I'll cross you off then," Severide turned away abruptly, effectively dismissing Capp from the office.

"Why not ask the Truck guys?" Capp ventured.

Severide shot him a look that told him to retreat. Very quickly. So he did, making room for Shay to poke her head in through the office door. "Vegas not happening?" she asked, clearly having heard the conversation that had just taken place.

Severide just leaned back in his chair, thinking. "You know you could come with me, right?"

"You're not seriously gonna go on your own Kelly? You keep banging on about how you're so over Casey but…"

"Hey…" he held his hands up to tell her to stop right there. "Can we just not talk about Casey..." he sighed heavily, rolling his eyes.

"See that right there tells me you're not over him," she insisted.

"Shay!" Severide bellowed, losing his patience now, "Just give it a rest!"

But she ploughed on, "You're still not curious as to why he left you with absolutely no warning?"

"If you're so curious why don't you go and ask him?!"

"He's…" Shay's tone changed, she spoke softly now, concerned, "He's not answered any of my calls, not replied to any of my messages."

"Don't worry too much," Severide spoke softly now.

"Why not?"

"Boden knows he's on his own, and the Chaplain's been checking in on him too," Severide told her.

"How d'you know?"

"I overheard them talking and I've seen Orlovsky's car by his house a couple of times in the last month or so," he explained.

"You're driving by his house?"

"Yeah," he nodded, "Just a couple of times a week, you know just to…"

"Check up on him," she finished.

"Yeah," he nodded again, "Of course there was no actual checking up on him but the place seems mostly ok, sometimes the mail is left out but generally the next time I go past it's gone so that's good right?"

"Yeah, guess so."

"So…" Severide changed the subject, "Vegas?"

"Kelly I can't go, I can't take the time off," she replied.

"I'm not going until the end of the month, and you only need to take one shift, c'mon you know you want to," he flashed his best smile.

"Fine," she conceded with a smile and shake of the head, not believing she'd been pulled into his trip, "Las Vegas here we come."

* * *

Casey was sitting in his cold lounge on his couch wrapped in a blanket waiting for the repairman to arrive. It was a first for him. He had never had to wait for a repairman in his entire life. Since living on his own from an early age with little spare money he'd always been more than capable of fixing maintenance issues himself yet here he was sitting on his couch waiting for some guy to come and fix his heating. He had tried to deal with it himself but given up in case he caused more damage. It felt like he'd reached a whole new low but he tried to reason with himself, if the same thing had happened whilst he had been at Severide's place they would most likely have called someone in as well. But that didn't make him feel any better, it only made him think about Severide and he was trying so hard not to do that now.

Finally there was a knock at the front door and Casey let the repairman into the house. He showed him where everything was and left him to get on with it whilst he went back to sit on the couch where Pumpkin jumped straight onto his knee. He could tell when the man had sorted the heating out a while later because the house began to warm up beautifully. The weather may be improving with the approaching spring but Casey still felt the winter's chill. He paid the repairman and closed the front door behind him as he left.

Everything was going on as normal although it often felt like life was going on around him and he was now just an observer rather than a participant. He regularly wondered what Severide was up to, he pictured him moving on with his life but he also pictured him in the exact same position as himself, stuck, lonely and miserable. Most the time the he was sure Severide was perfectly fine without him, after all he'd been perfectly fine before they'd got together.

His exhaustion was getting to him, the blood transfusions were helping but they were just a temporary solution rather than a cure, the only thing that would tackle his chronic anaemia was a new kidney and he held no hope for a transplant. Still he battled on and he continued to work although at times he questioned why he still did it, he guessed that some part of him was still worried with what others thought of him so he wasn't going to give it up. The few days a week where he had his dialysis treatments were the highlight of his social calendar, most of the time Shelley was there and she always greeted him with a friendly smile, he didn't little else nowadays. He did no more physio, he didn't even use the rehabilitation suite on his own now, he'd purchased some weights to use at home but often found he had little stamina for them and had no determination to gain his strength back. He'd lost his determination the day he left Severide.

* * *

Casey didn't venture outside of his own house any more than he absolutely had to so why he thought that going to a party over at Evan's place was a great idea he didn't know. Yet there he was in the middle of the guy's crowded lounge, dressed up in a Wild West cowboy costume he had ordered online a few days previously, complete with a Stetson and a sheriff's badge. He felt somewhat ridiculous and the only way to cure that would be to down some of the alcohol that was freely available, he hoped it would loosen his inhibitions and make him feel less self-conscious. He headed slowly through the crowd to the kitchen and grabbed one after another of the huge number of bottles standing on the table until he found one he liked. He took a swig. Whiskey. It felt good to be drinking even knowing what it could do to his body. He didn't care anymore and took another mouthful of the burning liquid, hoping no-one would ask where Severide was because he wasn't entirely sure he'd be able to keep up the pretence under the influence of alcohol.

As the night wore on the innuendoes his costume inspired became more and more amusing with each shot he downed. Eventually he noticed an attractive dark haired girl approaching him in a revealing Indian Squaw costume with a feather in her headband. "Hey cowboy," she smiled at him mischievously, placing her palm against his chest.

Casey just grinned happily. His eyes had gotten slightly glazed and his head felt fuzzy. "Hey," he said back to her.

"If you like, I could be your horse and you could ride me all night long," she winked at him

"Oh yeah?" he smiled, leaning down towards her face, which was swimming in front of his eyes now. "Well I just need another drink darlin…" he said in a comedic western accent, and he staggered away from temptation back to the kitchen.

He soon found himself in Evan's bathroom throwing up into the toilet, the acidic contents of his stomach burned his throat far worse than the whisky had. There was no let up and he was breathless with it all. As he gripped the sides of the toilet bowl, he could hear a voice above him, and he looked over with red bleary eyes to see Evan in the doorway, "Matt? I'm gonna call you a cab to get you home. You gonna be ok on your own?"

"Huh?" he retorted, wiping his mouth on his sleeve "I'm fine, I don't need to go home…"

"You don't need to drink anything else either," Evan said, pushing himself further into the room. He reached down and grabbed the bottle of beer that was on the tiled floor beside Casey, shooting a look of disapproval at him, "You're not even supposed to have this."

Casey could scarcely recall how he got home and ended up on his lounge floor, he'd been out cold until he was woken by Pumpkin pawing at his arm. He felt incredibly bloated and had what he reckoned must be the worst hangover from hell that he'd ever experienced in his life. His wristwatch alarm was bleeping to remind him to take his medication but right at that moment he didn't think he'd even be able to stomach enough water to swallow them with, let alone keep them down. He lay on the floor for some time before ever so slowly sitting up. He sat for a while before deciding it was safe to stand. It wasn't safe to stand. He rushed, as much as he could rush nowadays, to the bathroom but he didn't make it. He threw up in the doorway then rested his head on the frame, he was knelt down, breathing heavily whilst Pumpkin purred and walked around the arm he was using to prop himself up with.

"You have food…" he muttered down at her, Orlovsky had come by a few weeks ago with an automatic cat feed dispenser, he only had to refill it once every few days. "If there weren't two of you I'd give you some attention," he frowned, blinking but no matter what he did he couldn't clear his vision, the only remedy for that was sleep.

Casey soon realised that he needed to set off to get to the hospital for his dialysis. He still felt terrible after the alcohol but he smiled because he knew that the procedure would rid him of his hangover. He groped the doorframe as he got to his feet. His residual limb felt sore, probably from spending a lot more time than usual wearing his prosthetic. He waited a moment for the dizziness to fade. He took his pills hurriedly and grabbed his car keys, only he realised he was still dressed in the cowboy costume. He just removed some of the gear until just the jeans and checked shirt and boots remained. As he headed for the front door a doubt crept into his mind, he was in no condition to drive so he stopped, threw his car keys back onto the side and pulled out his phone to call a cab.

Casey arrived at the dialysis unit with a few minutes to spare before his appointment. He greeted the clerk who grinned cheekily at him, eyeing his chest. "Morning Sheriff," she began in an exaggerated western saloon girl accent, batting her eyelids, making him frown quizzically. She indicated at her own chest with one hand and he peered down at himself.

"Damn..." he muttered under his breath, but he was hardly able to stifle a grin, "Don't ask."

* * *

It was early on a Tuesday morning and Shay was standing at Casey's front door. She'd waited for some time before it was finally opened and Casey stood there wearing joggers and a hoody, propped up on his crutches. "What are you doing here?" he said without hiding his surprise.

"Nice to see you too Matt," Shay gave a wry smile.

"Erm… is everything all right?"

"Is everything all right?" she repeated incredulously, causing Casey's brows to knit together.

"I'm sorry, what do you want me to say?"

"The truth," she suggested airily, "And you could let me inside too."

"Erm… sure…" he stepped back from the door.

"You look like crap," she told him as she passed through and went into the lounge, eyeing up the medication piled up on the table, studying the contents for a few moments whilst Casey closed the door and slowly made his way to her. She took a look around the place. "Your house doesn't look as bad as I thought it would," she observed drily.

Casey pulled a face, shrugging. "Sorry what are you doing here?" he asked, trying not to sound rude but he really didn't want any company.

"I can't check in on you after you've ignored my messages and phone calls?"

"Didn't think you'd want to," he replied honestly.

"Why d'you think I did call and message you?"

"Obligation," Casey said quietly, moving on his crutches towards the couch. He couldn't stand up much longer.

"Kelly is my best friend," Shay went on, "I love you both but he is my best friend Matt."

"I know," he nodded.

"I'm not here to… to make you feel guilty but I'd like an explanation. Kelly would as well. You know he respected your decision to leave him because he loved you. He still loves you. That's been the only thing stopping him from doing this. It's been stopping me up to now but Matt, you owe us an explanation, enough is enough, what the hell's going on with you?"

"Nothing, not really," he said with a small shrug.

"Matt, tell me," Shay urged him, keeping her voice gentle, fearful that he might close down on her.

There was silence between them for some time. "I'm…" he let out a long breath, he never imagined having this conversation with anyone, "I'm in heart failure."

"What?" she couldn't believe what he was saying. After letting his words sink in for a few moments, she asked, "Since when?"

"Since late last year. They only found out 'cause they monitoring me after I went into cardiac arrest, kinda lucky really, probably wouldn't have found out for another few months if the sac around my heart hadn't filled with fluid… If you can call that lucky," he almost laughed. "It's not exactly life threatening at the moment but it will be eventually. I don't want to die on him. I don't to cause him that pain. I can't ever tell him..."

"You… you absolute idiot Matt… you… you idiot!" Shay was nearly shouting at him in frustration.

He just stared up at her in silence. He didn't know what to say, didn't know what he could say, he wanted to apologise but he knew it wouldn't really help at this point so he just sat there as Shay paced his lounge with an odd expression on her face, he couldn't make out what she was feeling, what her thoughts were, so he sat on the couch like a schoolboy who'd just been told off.

"Are you ok? How are you doing?" she asked, suddenly standing still and facing him, "Physically? Mentally… well I'm not even going to go there because… why did you think he… I don't even know what to say Matt. You broke his heart."

"I know," he began softly, not looking her in the eye, "I just thought… I thought it was better to do that than… than telling him I… I thought it was better for him to hate me than to love me and… and lose me. I thought breaking his heart now would be better than dying on him."

"See? You're an idiot," Shay replied quietly as she sat down next to him, "Because you've just made yourself miserable in the process."

"It doesn't matter if I'm miserable, it doesn't matter how I feel," he spoke, "You can't tell him."

"No I can't," she shook her head, "You have to."

* * *

Shelley was sitting at the nurse's station by the dialysis unit in the nephrology department. She was glancing at her watch every few moments and twiddling with a pen, clearly distracted. Her colleague at the desk turned to her, "If you're so worried then call him again."

"He didn't pick up two minutes ago why would he pick up now…" she frowned, "Maybe I should send ambulance?"

"Because the guy's twenty minutes late?"

"He's never late. He was hungover a few weeks ago and wasn't late. He's never late. What if something's happened?" She sighed, "The only other contact number we have is Kelly's… he won't want me to call him unless I absolutely have to… is this a situation where I can call him?" she was debating with herself what to do. After a few seconds she stood up, "I'm taking my lunch break."

"You're going over to his house aren't you?"

"Maybe," she said as she picked up her jacket and purse. Within thirty minutes she was standing outside Casey's house. She'd knocked a good few times and was growing impatient now, she assumed he was at home as a truck was parked right outside with a faded logo for Casey Construction on the side. "Matt?" she called out, "Matt, it's Shelley from the hospital. If you don't answer the door in the next few minutes I'm calling the cops to break it open for me… Matt?" She heard no movement from inside the house, "Matt I'm not joking… damnit…" she pulled out her phone and was about to dial emergency services when the door opened.

Casey stood in front of her with a perplexed expression on his face, "Hi?"

"Oh thank God…" she let out a breath of relief at his appearance, "Are you ok?"

"Erm yeah, was sleeping, what are you doing here?"

"What am I doing here?" she repeated, "You were supposed to be at the hospital an hour."

"Oh I… erm… I must have forgot…"

"You forgot? Matt you never forget, are you ill?" she asked, concerned.

"I was just sleeping, I don't know what happened, I just didn't… didn't think… I don't know. I'm sorry… why did you come all the way here?"

"Because I kept picturing you unconscious and alone in your house, you've never missed an appointment," she replied.

"I'm sorry," he spoke.

"It's fine, you gonna let me in?"

"Huh?"

"I'm not standing out here whilst I wait for you to get ready, I assume you don't wanna leave the house in your pyjamas," she pointed out, casting a quick glance at his outfit.

"What?"

"I'm taking you to the hospital, you can get cab back or wait until I finish my shift," she told him.

"What are you talking about?"

"You need dialysis," she said, a frown across her face, the reason she was there was obvious to her, "I've not come all this way just to go back empty handed."

"You don't need to…"

"No, I don't need to but I am," and with that she went into the house. She looked around the place a little and saw the mess, it had been a couple of weeks since Shay's visit and more than a month had passed since Casey had last let Orlovsky inside, he'd been ignoring the man's phone calls again. There were empty medication containers on the table, dirty dishes, and leftover food all over. There were books, blankets and clothes scattered about the place. She stood in the lounge while Casey excused himself and went to his bedroom to get ready. As Shelley waited for him a small ginger cat made its way towards her, curious who the stranger in her home was. She stood eyeing the interloper for a few moments before she decided to approach her further and Shelley bent down to greet her.

After a while Casey exited his room, he was now dressed and wearing his prosthetic, Shelley noted how he was still used his crutches though but she said nothing on the matter. "Sorry about the mess," Casey muttered as he glanced around the lounge, "It's not usually so… ok that's a lie, it is usually a mess but not quite such a mess…"

They were soon sat in her car on their way to the hospital. "Matt," she began cautiously, "Have you thought about getting some help at home?"

"What do you mean?" he questioned.

"I think you know what I mean," she spoke, "I think if someone came over, even if it was just once a week, to give you a hand and…"

"And check up on me?" he shook his head, "I don't need that."

"Matt you forgot you needed to be at the hospital today and your house…"

"You're blowing today out of proportion," he interrupted her, "I work, I get my groceries delivered, I go to every single hospital and doctors appointment even if I think some of them are pointless."

"And I think you're lonely," she continued undeterred.

"I have a cat," he replied, "And I see people at work all the time and I go out, sometimes. I don't need some carer coming over and sorting stuff that I can do for myself."

"Matt it's not just about that, what if something happened to you, no-one would know…"

"Until I missed an appointment like today? Well someone checking up on me once a week won't exactly make a difference then will it?" he spoke harshly although it wasn't intended, "Look if something happens it's not your head so I don't why you care so much."

"It was just a suggestion, I'm sorry I've upset," she said softly.

"No," he shook his head, "I'm the one who should be sorry. I can be a complete jerk, an idiot even. Thank for you for all of this today."


	27. Love

Casey was lying on the floor by his bed. He couldn't move. His lower back was throbbing. His left knee was sending spikes of agony around the rest of his body. He could hear Pumpkin meowing. He didn't have the willpower to try moving again, the shockwaves of pain from his last attempt were still reverberating around his body. Time passed, too much time, his body had become stiff but the pain had dulled. He had to try and move again, Pumpkin couldn't feed herself and her bowl was empty, he'd not refilled the device for almost a week. He pushed himself up onto his elbows and stared down at his left leg. It was at an odd angle. He cursed to himself.

After some time he grit his teeth and managed to get himself up into his chair. He felt like he was going to pass out with the pain. He battled with dizziness and nausea as he opened the drawer in the nightstand, he pulled out the bottle of codeine and swallowed some pills dry. He waited for them to kick in before very carefully pulling down his joggers. He stared at his left knee, it had swollen to twice its normal size and looked deformed, twisted to a strange angle, his kneecap was out of place. Battling against the pain that had dulled but was still very present he pushed himself into the kitchen, he grabbed some ice from the freezer and the first aid kit out of one of the cabinets and got to work on sorting out the mess he'd done to his leg.

Four days later he wheeled himself into the dialysis unit where Shelley was ready and waiting for him to arrive. As he moved from his chair onto the bed he winced heavily. "What's wrong with your leg?" Shelley asked, ever the sharp eyed nurse that she was.

Casey just shot her a look. "It's missing," he retorted flatly as he settled himself down on the bed.

"Very funny," she deadpanned, "Your left leg?"

"I just twisted it the other day," he shrugged.

"Twisted it doing what?" she questioned him further.

"Don't need to be doing much for it to give way on me," he forced a smile.

"Has the doctor seen it?" she asked.

"I just twisted it, it'll be fine soon."

As she prepared the dialysis needles and tubes she peered closely into Casey's eyes, "Your pupils are dilated, how many painkillers have you had today?"

He averted his eyes, unable to look her directly in the face.

"Matt, what have you done?"

"I… I don't think I just twisted it," he admitted quietly after a few moments, "It dislocated."

"Your knee?" she said, concerned.

"I think it's all right now, I managed to pop in back in…"

Shelley put the equipment she was holding back down on the tray. "You need to get it looked at. Clinic's closed so I'll help you down to the ER. Knee dislocations are serious, I may work in Nephrology now but I was an EMT before I trained as nurse. Can you feel your leg? Your foot?"

Casey's was still looking away. "Pins and needles," he replied simply, "But sometimes it felt like before so…"

"So you've decided you're a doctor now, decided that not being able to feel your leg properly was just fine and you didn't need to do anything about it?"

"It was stupid. I know," he muttered, "Sorry."

"Don't apologise," she smiled softly, "Let's get you back into your chair and down to the ER. You can come back up here once it's been checked over."

Casey could feel himself starting to crack inside as he lay on a gurney waiting for an MRI scan to determine the extent of the injury to his left leg. They'd x-rayed it in the ER to determine that there were no breaks and much to his displeasure they'd properly popped his knee back into place and set his leg in a bright orange splint. It had hurt like hell and he wished they'd given him more painkillers but they'd been concerned about the amount he'd already taken. His jaw was clenched in a vain attempt to stop himself becoming worked up over the MRI but despite his best efforts he felt hot tears stinging his eyes, he lifted a hand to wipe them away as he heard someone coming into the room. A nurse was approaching him quietly but to his relief it wasn't a stranger.

Shelley had come back down from the nephrology unit to check on him now that she'd finished her shift. "Hey Matt, how are you doing?" she asked him, seeing his distress as he wiped his hand over his eyes.

"Sorry, sorry..." he blinked hard, staring up at the ceiling, "I used to be so much stronger than this."

"You know that you can talk to me about anything, right? And I mean anything at all. It's one of the reasons I'm here," she told him as she sat herself on the end of the bed.

He forced a smile and shook his head a little but tears kept on filling his eyes. "I've ruined everything," his voice broke. It was a few moments before he could continue, "I stopped seeing the shrink a few months ago. I really want to quit my job. I... I miss Kelly. I miss him so much it hurts. I forgot to feed my cat. All I had to do was refill the dispenser every few days and I couldn't even do that. When she reminded me I couldn't move. I forced myself out of bed too quickly. I should have taken more time. I fell and I dislocated my knee. Think I passed out. Don't know how long I was on the floor for. Thought about calling an ambulance because I couldn't get up. But I didn't. That was four days ago. And I don't even care that I've probably fucked up my leg permanently… even more than it already is. And I don't want an MRI… I don't want to be drugged just so I don't have a damn panic attack 'cause my head's just so messed up… please, I don't want one," he was shaking his head adamantly now, "I keep messing up, everything just keeps going wrong and I can't do it, I can't do it on my own, I don't want to do it on my own." His breathing hitched and he struggled to speak any more, "I can't… I can't breathe… I can't… I can't…"

Before he could utter another word, Shelley had moved close enough to wrap her arms tightly around him, she could feel him trembling in her grasp. "Shh… you're not alone, you're ok, you're not alone."

She held him until he began to relax and had stopped trembling, when he pulled back from her, ashamed that he was unable to control his emotions. "I'm sorry…" he muttered. He couldn't look her in the face, hating that he must have appeared so weak in front of her.

She shook her head and smiled, "Don't ever be sorry. The doctor is going to come and give you some Valium Matt. You do need an MRI. I'll wait with you and I'll stay with you whilst it wears off, ok? You do need the MRI."

"I know, I know," he nodded and she gripped his hand comfortingly.

After the MRI was complete, it didn't take very long for the Valium to wear off. Shelley had stayed with him the whole time. "Hey there," she smiled down at him when she noticed the clouded look at almost vanished from his eyes.

"You're still here," he muttered, "You're too good to me."

"I will have to go home soon," she told him, still smiling reassuringly.

He looked at her steadily for a moment, "Do you have a family?"

She shook her head, "Just a roommate."

"A boyfriend?"

"I do have a boyfriend," she told him, "His name's Mark."

"What does he do?" he asked.

"He works here in the hospital too, he's a lab tech," she told him.

Before Casey could say anything more the doctor arrived with a file in his hand, "Hi Matt, how are you doing? Valium's worn off?"

He nodded, "You've looked at the scans?"

"It's not good news," the doctor began.

"Is it ever?" he half laughed.

"You've torn the ligaments in your knee, and I know from my exam that you've damaged more nerves in your leg too," the doctor explained.

"That's why I can't feel lower leg very well?" he questioned knowingly.

"You were lucky you didn't cut off the blood supply or you'd probably have lost this leg too, you really need to take better care of yourself, I didn't want say that but you injured it four days ago Matt, you should have come in. Even with the meds you have, well, I don't imagine they dulled the pain much..."

"It wasn't that bad," Casey insisted, but he realised that the doctor was completely right in what he was saying.

"You've not put any weight on it since it happened?"

"No, I couldn't move it… I didn't want to bother anyone, it really didn't seem that bad… I thought I'd managed to pop my kneecap back in and wrapped it…" Casey shrugged, fully aware of his own stupidity, but he just wasn't thinking straight about anything, he hadn't been for months.

"If anything like it ever happens again in the future you have to call ambulance Matt, could you not get to your phone? Maybe you should think about getting a panic alarm in case you fall and you don't have your phone…"

"I don't need a panic alarm. I chose not to call an ambulance, I'd sorted it on my own," Casey said, attempting to justify his actions to the physician and to himself.

"I'm going to have to bring this up with your occupational health therapist Matt," his doctor spoke.

"Please don't."

"Matt now you're living on your own it's imperative that…"

"Doctor," Shelley interrupted the man, "What are the options going forwards to repair the damage?" She could see how the conversation was going and felt she needed to intervene, even though she knew the doctor just wanted Casey to take better care of himself, and that the man couldn't understand quite why Casey had spent four days in terrible pain without asking for help from anyone

He turned back to Casey. "You have two options Matt, we can fix it surgery or we can completely immobilise the joint and see how well it recovers without any intervention. If this was patient without any previous leg injuries then I'd strongly be urging them to opt for the surgery but with the previous injuries your knee has suffered I can't confidently tell you that it'll be a hundred percent fixable," the doctor spoke plainly, not wanting to hold anything back from Casey.

"I don't want any more surgery," Casey replied.

"I didn't think you would but I am going to leave you with some information just in case you want to look through it all in more detail," he smiled softly, "My colleague will be with you shortly, he'll swap this temporary splint for an immobilising brace. You'll have to wear to for four to six weeks, we'll see how things go, you can't bear with you left leg, and I mean it, absolutely no weight bearing whatsoever, all right?"

"Sure," Casey responded, he couldn't be bothered to hide the miserable tone.

"I know that's going to make things difficult for you but it's the only option I'm afraid," the doctor spoke, "Now, do you have help at home? A friend or anyone?"

Casey looked to Shelley as he spoke, "No, but it's something that's been mentioned before."

"I'm going to get you an appointment with your OT, they'll probably want to do an updated assessment after you've seen them," the doctor informed him and he didn't object, he just nodded dejectedly. "Ok, if you've not any questions then I'll see in a few weeks," the man left when Casey shook his head.

Casey simply cast his gaze down to his left leg, it had started throbbing now the painkillers were wearing off but he didn't dare ask for anymore not after they suspected he'd taken too many over the last few days, he'd just have to wait until he got home although he knew his codeine supply was running low now.

"Matt?" Shelley's soft voice broke into his thoughts.

He turned and smiled back at her, "What are you still doing here?"

He watched her as she sat thinking for a few moments. "I'm going to give you my cell number, I want you to let me know when your appointment is with the occupational therapist, ok? I want to come with you," she nodded.

"Don't," he shook his head, "Thanks but please don't get involved. I'm fairly certain you're already breaking rules."

"I'm part of the team that looks after you, I'm not breaking any rules," she responded.

"Ok but really, I mean it, don't get involved," he said again, "I don't need rescuing or looking after. I've made my decisions, they were mine and mine alone, and I'm gonna live with them."

* * *

It had been a few days since Casey had dislocated his knee, his left leg was now immobilised in a removable firm white splint that held it firmly in place, it was padded with a blue inner layer which did little for his comfort but he wasn't going to complain, it was all his fault. It felt like everything was his fault but he had resolved to change that. He wasn't going to let himself down so badly in future, he wasn't going to fall into that dark place again. He was going to try, try and get himself back on track, get his whole life back under control. That was what he hated most, the lack of control. Things were sweeping him away with them, like a never ending tornado.

For a few days he still struggled to get out of bed but at the end of the day he'd tell Pumpkin, "It's ok, I'll just try again tomorrow." He'd taken a little time and written out a list of objectives, things he needed to get sorted. Just getting the list done was an achievement in itself, at least he was starting to plan things out and had some sort of goals to work for that didn't involve the hospital and he would start to tackle everything on the list one day at a time.

 _TO DO  
Order assistive devices  
Call ? to help install. Boden? Orlovsky? Hire someone?  
Go outside once a day  
Eat!  
Call work back Go to the bank - deposit cheque  
Shelley – thank you card. Gift?  
Tidy house for OT assessment (NEXT THURSDAY)  
Message Ty  
Pick up BS antibiotic script  
_~~_Speak to Kelly_~~   _speak to Kelly_  
It took Casey a week to call Boden after contemplated over and over again who to call, he'd very nearly ended up hiring someone but he really didn't want to spend the extra money and everyone was always insisting that he call them if he ever needed anything so he did, he picked up the phone called his former chief.

"Hey Matt," Boden picked up the call and greeted his former lieutenant. He had a lot ot time for Casey and still looked on him as part of the 51 family.

"Hi Chief," he began, "How are you?"

"Good Matt, you?"

"Erm…" Casey sighed into his phone but he decided it was better just to come out with it, there was no point in hiding anything now he'd finally decided to call and ask for help, "I dislocated my knee but other than that I'm doing well."

"Do you need some help? Is there anything we can do?"

"Is it really that obvious that's why I'm calling?" Casey smiled down the phone at Boden's reaction to the news.

"What do you need? Just name it."

"I erm… I need some help installing some grab rails and stuff," he explained, a little hesitantly at first because asking for assistance like this was not something he ever did.

"Of course, when's best for you?"

"Oh just whenever you're free, it shouldn't take more than half a day, all the stuff is here and I've got the tools to put them up I just can't… I can't do it on my own."

"How about tomorrow morning? About ten?" Boden suggested.

"Tomorrow morning will be perfect, thank you," he smiled. They said their goodbyes and Casey smiled as he crossed an item off his list, he'd accomplished something today and it felt good so he decided to continue with the list and began to tidy up the house as best as he could ready for the occupational therapist coming around.  
 _  
_

* * *

Severide had got back from Las Vegas but remembered very little of the weekend. It had flown by so quickly and he had consumed a considerable quantity of alcohol during the trip, mostly so he didn't think about Casey, so he didn't dwell on things that might have been but never would be. Shay had enjoyed herself immensely and was glad they had made the trip together although there was still a doubt gnawing at her constantly. She desperately wanted to tell Severide what was going on with Casey, wanted to give him some kind of explanation for Casey's actions but she didn't want to betray Casey's trust even though she felt like she was withholding information from Severide. She tried to take a step back from it, she told herself that she'd wait for Casey to tell Severide because she was sure he would eventually, he just needed time.

Everyone at 51 was eager to hear all about the Vegas trip when Severide had arrived at the firehouse but he didn't get chance to say more than a few words before Connie came along and cornered him, saying that Boden wanted a word before roll call. He followed her over to the administration area and hovered outside the chief's office, seeing he was on the phone. He didn't have to wait long before Boden indicated with a slight nod for him to go in.

"How about tomorrow morning? About ten?" Boden was winding up the call as Severide shut the office door behind himself, "Great, I'll see you then Matt."

The second Boden had put the phone down Severide questioned, "Casey?"

Boden just nodded his affirmation, not giving anything else away. "How was Vegas?" he asked.

"Erm…" Severide hesitated, his normal self-confidence dented by knowing Casey had been on the other end of that call. "Erm Vegas was good. Matt was calling you?" he couldn't help but use Casey's first name.

Boden gave a slow nod, pursing his lips, his face serious. "He's dislocated his knee," Boden informed him.

"Damn… his knee? How? Did he fall…" he trailed off, his voice trailed off as scenarios raced around his head and he felt a stab of guilt for being away from Chicago for three days in case anything serious had happened to Casey and he was needed. "When did it happen? How bad is it? How is he getting…"

Boden held up a hand, stopping Severide in mid-sentence, "Kelly I'll stop you there. I don't know. He sounded fine on the phone. If you want to know more then you should call him."

"Yeah, yeah…" he glanced down for a moment, "What did you want to see me for?"

"I just wanted to let you know that your rig is going to be serviced on 15th, you'll only have a replacement for the one shift..." Boden began to explain what was going to happen but Severide didn't hear anything more. His thoughts were elsewhere.

* * *

Casey was back at the forefront of Severide's mind, he couldn't stop himself thinking about him. He'd been back from Las Vegas for almost a week now but hadn't made any move to contact Casey. He figured that if he was needed then Casey would call him, even though he also realised that Casey was the least likely person to call anyone for help. But he had called Boden and that was progress in Severide's mind, even though he wished Casey had called him and not the chief although he did understand Casey's logic.

Day after day Severide kept on glaring at his cell phone every time it pinged to say a text or voicemail had come through but it was never Casey. He scrolled through his contacts, staring at Casey's name, almost calling him every time but he never did. He held back, remembering that it was Casey who had pushed him away. He had never given a reason for it, he had simply pushed Severide and everyone else away and that was exactly what Severide had feared he would do right from the start, not just after Casey had been so badly injured but after they had given their relationship a name. Severide had never been known to do commitment but Casey had never been known for letting anyone in.

Severide went about reorganising his apartment, the place had become a bit of a mess since Casey had left, Severide didn't have much of a reason for keeping it tidy now. He distracted himself from thoughts of Casey and his dislocated knee by getting to work on his closet only to find one of Casey's favourite red checked shirts. It still smelt like him. In the end he decided to wash it and iron it out since it had been scrunched up with a few of his own clothes at the bottom of the closet. He folded it up and placed it on the side table by the door, it would give him a legitimate excuse to drop by Casey's place later that day.

He was still tidying and sorting the apartment a few hours later completely unaware that Casey had been stood outside in the hallway for close to twenty minutes.

Casey was leaning heavily on his crutches, holding a letter he had agonised over for hours the night before, writing and rewriting his thoughts and feelings. A letter that he hoped would go some way to explaining his actions to Severide. Because he did still love him and he wanted to know what was going on, he didn't want to leave him in the dark. At first he'd thought he'd just mail it to him but then he'd slipped the letter into his bag before his dialysis session. He decided to use his crutches despite the difficult task of only using his prosthetic to walk with since he was still unable bear weight with his left leg but he'd become more used to the set up over the last couple of weeks because he hated to sit in his chair all the time. Although nowadays he was often forced to because there were many times where his body just wouldn't cooperate, and more and more frequent moments where he simply couldn't catch his breath.

On his way back from the hospital he'd asked the cab driver to take him to Severide's place, intending to just drop the letter into his mailbox in the lobby but once inside he'd found himself making his way slowly on his crutches over to the elevator, then going up to the thirty-first floor and ending up in the hallway. He had been there for some time, his shoulders hurt, his body ached, his head throbbed, and he still hadn't knocked on Severide's door.

Finally doubt won the battle and he sighed, deciding to leave the letter in Severide's mailbox down in the lobby after all, He couldn't bring himself to knock on the door. He worried that if he saw him the already buckling dam holding back his emotions would break and his emotions would just cascade out of him with little regard to Severide's feelings because he couldn't upset him anymore. He didn't want to cause any more harm or distress. He didn't want Severide to see how broken he was. He wanted Severide to be able to keep moving on, made easier he hoped by the fact that he would now know it wasn't his fault that Casey had left him and that he would now know the reason why, he hoped it would give him some closure.

Casey had just turned away and was moving back towards the elevator, he heard the door being unlocked from the inside. He still had his back to the door when he heard a familiar voice. One he knew and loved so much. "Matt?"

He carefully moved back to face Severide, "Hi Kelly." He frowned as he noticed the shirt Severide was holding.

"I was gonna come over to yours," Severide began, also now looking down at the shirt, "I know it's one of your favourites."

Casey just nodded in agreement, lost for words, unsure what excuse he could give for being there outside Severide's apartment. "It is," he ended up saying as he pulled his eyes away from the shirt.

"Are you ok? What are doing here?" Severide asked softly, there was no spite in his tone. Casey had been convinced that Severide would be bitter about his leaving, but unexpectedly he didn't seem to be.

"Erm…" he hesitated. "I don't know," he shrugged slightly, his left hand gripped the crutch more tightly than ever.

"What's that?" Severide questioned, nodding at Casey's right hand.

"Oh it's a letter," he replied quietly, he knew Severide could see exactly what it was.

"For me?" Severide asked.

He nodded.

"Are you going to give it me?" Severide smiled.

Casey raised his hand and passed the envelope to Severide, finally some of the weight lifted from his shoulders. "You can read it if you want," he said, "Or not."

Severide had already started opening up the envelope in front of him, he wanted to leave, he wanted run away, ashamed at his actions, but he couldn't even turn to move. The only thing keeping him standing was the nervous adrenaline coursing through his system as he watched Severide's expression as he read the letter. Once Severide had read the letter, and he'd read it through twice, his eyes found Casey's. "Matt…" he began but he wasn't sure what else to say, he wanted to tell Casey that he should have just told him before, that he'd rather have known than not known but it didn't feel right.

"I'm sorry," Casey announced, "I don't know why I did it. Well I do but it doesn't really seem that logical anymore because I miss you but that's just selfish of me. This letter selfish of me. I didn't want to tell you…"

"Because you didn't want to hurt me," Severide finished for him.

"But I have hurt you. I destroyed the only good thing I had because of some warped sense of…"

"Matt…"

"No," he shook his head to stop the interruption. "I love you Kelly. I love you like they do in the movies," Casey continued to pour out his feelings when a small perplexed look crossed Severides features, "You know like on a cliff with the wind in your hair and your eyes shut, knowing you'll never know another love like this. I love you Kelly and I don't ever expect you to forgive me for what I did."

Nothing happened for a few moments until Severide stepped out of the apartment and up to Casey. He took a step back as he searched Severide's eyes.

Severide just smiled. "I'm not going to hit you," he said as he slowly put his arms around Casey.

"You should," Casey murmured into the crook of Severide's neck, "I deserve..."

"Shut up Matt," he was grinning now. "Should you be using crutches? I know you dislocated your knee," he said as he moved back, looking him up and down for the first time, the amount of weight he'd lost was scary, as was the paleness of his skin.

Slowly Casey shook his head, "Not exactly."

"Not exactly?"

"I'm not supposed to weight bear so I'd be lying if I said my right leg wasn't suffering right now but the chair's just awkward and… and tiring, everything's tiring… sorry I should go, sorry… I'm a mess, I've always been a mess and I'm just exhausted by it all and I'm sorry…"

"Matt, stay," Severide spoke, "Come inside."

Casey didn't move.

"I missed you too," he continued, "I missed you a lot and I love you. I still love you. So please, please come inside, let's make everything right again."

"But I…"

"Matt you just told me that you love me and I just told you that I love you so there isn't really anything else to it, is there?"

"You love me?" Casey questioned quietly, "Even after all this?"

"Even after all of this."

 


	28. Human

Casey had fallen asleep on the couch. Severide couldn't quite believe the sight in front of him, Casey was back in the apartment. He'd even told Severide that he loved him although Severide wasn't sure if things would ever get back to normal for them both. His heart sank when he thought about the Casey's reasons for the separation and he felt as though he should have known something was wrong. In a way he had but he hadn't pressed the matter and he should have done. He should have made Casey talk to him, to tell him what was wrong, and he was now scared about the future, Casey hadn't explained any of the details really but he knew how serious the situation was with his health, it had been serious before but now it had declined rapidly.

His gaze remained on Casey, he didn't want to tear his eyes away from the sleeping form, he wanted to touch him and to hold him, to comfort him and to take care of him but Casey felt like precious china to him now. He'd felt so fragile when he'd wrapped his arms around him earlier, like he could shatter into a thousand pieces. After a while Casey moaned a little as he stirred in his sleep, his eyes fluttered open. "Hey," Severide smiled down at him, "I'll help you to the bed. You shouldn't sleep on the couch but I didn't want to wake you."

Casey started to sit up. "Need to go. Pumpkin," he said simply.  
  
"She got food and water?"

"Uh huh," he nodded a little.

"She'll be fine then, Midnight is fine when I'm on shift," Severide reassured him.

"You should take her," he mumbled as he lay back down, too tired and too sore to remain half sitting.

"What?" Severide frowned.

"Pumpkin. I'm not doing a great job at looking after her. Or myself," he added as an afterthought.

"I've not been doing a great job of looking after myself either," Severide admitted, "I've drank a lot."

"I lost a few litres of blood, ended up unconscious in the ER," he confessed.

"I've slept around… a lot."

"I've permanently damaged my knee, well, my whole leg. Probably won't walk without crutches again," he told Severide, a mixed expression across his face.

"What happened?" Severide asked softly, "How did you dislocate it?"

Casey shrugged. "I got out of bed," he said with a wry smile.

"I should have been there," Severide commented.

"I pushed you away."

"I let you," Severide pointed out.

Casey just shook his head, "I should have handled things differently. Can we leave it at that?"

"We both should have handled things differently, let's leave it at that."

"Ok," he nodded, "And I really do need to go home, I don't carry all my meds round with me."

"Right, of course," Severide began, "Well stay for dinner at least then I'll drive you home?"

"Erm…"

"You really look like you need some dinner," Severide smiled.

A couple of hours later Severide was helping Casey out of his car and up to his front door. "Thanks for the ride," Casey said as he dug out his keys.

"Are you going to be ok?" Severide asked.

He just shrugged a little. "Do you want to come inside?" he questioned as he opened the door, "Pumpkin would probably like to see you."

Severide stepped through the threshold and looked around the house, "It's tidier than my apartment." He bent down for a moment and greeted Pumpkin who'd come bounding over the moment Casey had opened the door.

"That's not my doing," Casey admitted, "Someone comes by twice a week to help me keep on top of things, doctor made it mandatory."

"Oh…" he mouthed as he stood back up.

"Yeah… turns out I can't look after myself but that's ok, I just need a little help with some things," Casey explained.

"That sounds very…"

"Not like me?" he smiled. "I think I've finally accepted what I can and can't do, sometimes it's just a mental thing, my head just goes to this place and I can't bring myself out of it on my own. I won't get out of bed, won't shower or eat. Then other times I can't physically do stuff like vacuuming and cleaning the bathroom, sometimes it's not my head that won't let me get out of bed when I want."

Severide was happy that Casey was finally talking to him, telling him something about what was going on now. "You sound like you're managing better than I thought you would, not that I thought you'd be unable to look after yourself, I just… I didn't expect all this."

"Oh don't worry I have been a complete mess for the last four and a half months, only just got my act together, I'm sure it'll all come crumbling down again soon."

"Well you know you can call me, right?" Severide said encouragingly.

"I did try to call you but I never did, I couldn't, I just wanted you to forget about me."

"You're unforgettable Matt," Severide told him. "And I mean it, just call me whenever you need me, I'll always be here for you, I do love you."

"I love you too."

"Maybe we could do date night one evening this week?"

"I'd like that."

* * *

Very little changed over the next few days but Casey felt lighter, like a great weight had been lifted from his shoulders and thinking about the upcoming date night kept him smiling. However when the day finally approached he knew from the moment he woke up it wasn't going to be a successful day. He called Severide as he lay in bed unable to move to cancel their evening plans.

"Hey it's me," Casey began when Severide picked up the phone.

"Looking forward to tonight?" Severide greeted cheerfully.

"Actually that's why I'm calling... erm... can maybe we do it another night?"

Severide hesitated for a moment before responding, "Yeah sure Matt, is everything all right?"

"Just a bad day," he explained.

"Well why don't I bring date night to you?"

"Kel it's…"

"Please?" Casey could tell Severide was grinning into the phone as he spoke.

"Ok," he accepted with a smile at Severide's persistence.

Severide turned up at Casey's door that evening with a brown paper bag of food in in one hand and a bottle of Casey's favourite wine in the other. He knocked and waited. It was some time before Casey answered the door, wearing only boxers and a t-shirt with a thick hoody over the top, his prosthetic, leg brace and scars all exposed as he stood there resting on his crutches. "Sorry, takes me so long to do anything, you should just let yourself in next time," Casey smiled at him.

His heart flipped, firstly at Casey's suggestion of a next time and secondly at his smile. "Do you need a hand?" Severide asked as he stepped into the house, glancing down at Casey's lower half.

"I can't," he shook his head, referring to wearing pants, "You don't mind, do you?"

"Of course not," Severide grinned, "You can lounge around nude for all I care." There was a glint in his eye as he stepped inside and closed the door behind him.

"It's too cold for that," he responded with a smile.

"Walking into your house is like walking into an oven," Severide smiled back.

"Really?" he half laughed. "My circulation's getting worse I think…" he faltered a little, "And I really need to sit down…"

"Here," Severide put the paper bag and wine down, approached Casey and helped him over to the couch.

"Longest I've stood up all day," he sighed as he sat down on the couch.

"That's why it's been a bad day?" Severide asked him gently, just drawing a silent nod from Casey, "How are you doing painwise?"

"I'm trying not to take too many pills," Casey forced a smile.

"It's got worse?"

"No," Casey shook his head, "But I think my tolerance to the pain has..." He trailed off and smiled again, "Anyway… aren't we supposed to be doing date night?"

Severide smiled back, "I brought noodles and wine."

"Noodles and wine? Wow," he grinned.

"Well I wasn't sure if you'd be up to eating much and they're from that organic deli and there's no added salt and stuff so…"

"It's perfect Kelly," Casey said, "Thank you for this. Today's not so bad after all."

A while later they were sitting on the couch with the empty takeaway boxes in front of them of the coffee table, both had a glass of wine although Casey hadn't touched his. The TV was on but neither of them were paying much attention the basketball game, they spent their time catching up with each other, or at least Severide was filling Casey in on the latest firehouse gossip. When Casey's wristwatch chimed he went to grab his crutches but Severide stopped him. "Meds in the nightstand?" he asked as he stood up.

"You don't need…"

"By the time you get there and back I'll be growing grey hairs," Severide teased as he made his way into Casey's bedroom. He opened the night stand drawer, raised his eyebrow when he saw the large amount of medication stacked up, including what he recognised as sleeping pills in one of the small orange pots, he vowed not to bring them in conversation yet. the sight of them was concerning but it looked like Casey had only used half the prescription amount, of course he didn't know if he'd had previous ones. He tried not to think into it too and took out the medication organiser, closed the drawer then took the box to Casey along with a glass of water. "You've got more than you used to have," he commented softly as he watched Casey swallow them in two lots.

"They've got me another three different pills for my heart," Casey explained simply. "ACE inhibitors, beta blockers, Lanoxin," he listed off.

"Are they helping?" Severide asked. Casey hadn't really told him anything about his worsening health and he didn't want to push the matter. The trick with Casey was to let him take his own time when it came to opening up and Severide was just going to have to be patient

"I don't know," he looked at Severide with a serious expression, "They don't really make me feel much better, in fact the doctor thinks they're all making me even dizzier, the Lanoxin was making me throw up too but that seems to have stopped now, he said my body just needed to get used to the meds, still get nauseous but there's no alternatives so…" he shrugged a little.

"They're not going to make you better are they?"

He shook his head, "They're just slowing it all down, hopefully."

"There's nothing else they can do?"

"Not really."

"I'm sorry Matt."

He grinned at that, "Why are you sorry? You didn't cause it."

"I… I don't know, I don't really know what to say about it all."

Casey simply leant in and pressed his own lips to Severide's for a few beautiful moments before he sat back and smiled. "You don't need to say anything."

"I missed those lips," Severide spoke before going back in for a second kiss.

It was still early in the evening when Severide helped Casey into his bedroom so he could sleep comfortably. Casey was hardly aware of lying down on his bed and sinking into the bed covers while Severide pulled off his hoody and removed his prosthetic for him. He woke up in the early hours of the morning surprised to discover Severide sat in his bedroom. "You stayed?" he asked quietly as he sat up a little in the bed, pushing himself up with his arms to lie back against the headboard.

Severide nodded as he watched him. "I can't lie, I do worry about you here on your own," he told Casey.

"I don't deserve you," Casey replied tiredly. "I lost track of when you were on shift, that scared me, I lost control of everything and if something ever happened to you I don't know what I'd do…" he trailed off. "Kelly, are you sure you want this? I was a mess before and now… well…" Casey struggled to verbalize what he was feeling and thinking.

"I want this. I want you," Severide reassured him, "All I want is you."

"Ok," he accepted, "Sorry for being so… so needy."

"You're allowed to be needy," Severide grinned, "In fact I love it when you're needy. Please tell me how can make things easier for you?"

"Tonight was good, best night I've had… since… well you know."

"I can provide date night every night if that makes things easier," Severide said, still grinning.

"Wouldn't be special then."

"I'm not really doing anything tomorrow, you?"

"Dialysis and an ECG," Casey replied with a wry smile, "Living the good life."

"Can I drive you?"

"Really?"

"I wouldn't ask if I didn't want to."

"Ok then," he replied cautiously, "Are you sure?"

"How much damage did that oxygen deprivation really cause?" Severide teased with a small laugh, "I am sure. Trust me. I want to drive you. I want to spend all the time I can with you. If you'll let me?"

"I want you to," he responded, looking straight into Severide's eyes, "But I don't want to hurt you again. I will hurt you again."

"How do you know that?"

"I don't… I just… I can't risk hurting you again…"

"Shh…" Severide started, "Stop talking. I'm gonna lie next to you and I'm gonna hold you whilst you fall asleep and I'll be here when you wake up, ok?"

"Ok," he smiled, he really didn't think he deserved the forgiveness Severide had given his actions, the look on Severide's face when he'd broken up with him out of the blue would always linger at the front of his mind but he soon relaxed into Severides hold as he drifted off to sleep.

It didn't take Severide long to follow him and they both slept peacefully for an hour or so until Severide was woken by Casey who was moaning and trembling in his sleep in the throes of a nightmare. He awoke soaked in sweat and mumbling incoherently. When Casey gathered his senses he simply settled back into Severide's hold silently. Severide wasn't sure if he should say anything or just let him fall back to sleep. He chose to remain silent but after a few moments Casey spoke up quietly. "I was scared," he began, still facing away from Severide as he was held in his tight grip, "Scared I was going to die alone. Selfish of me really..."

"You're allowed to be selfish and Matt, I'll never let that happen, ok? I won't let you die alone."

"I'm sorry I pushed you away," he mumbled.

"I'm sorry that I let you. You push people away so you don't hurt them but it hurt Matt. And I was scared that I'd never get over it," Severide admitted.

"You were scared?"

"I'm always scared. You're allowed to be scared."

"I don't want to be scared of anything,"

"Then you wouldn't be human."

Casey shifted as much as his body allowed and turned to Severide, frowning, "Why don't you hate me?" It was something he still didn't understand, after the hurt he had caused he didn't know how Severide had forgiven him so easily.

"Because I love you."

He looked away as he spoke. His words were almost a whisper, "You should hate me."

"I know how your head works, probably better than you do at times," Severide began, gently running his fingers over Casey's arm, "I understand why you did it Matt."

"You know me better than anyone so why didn't I just tell you?"

"Because in your own little twisted way you didn't want to hurt me and I understand that which is why I don't hate you, I could never hate you."

After a few moments Casey looked back to him, "You understand, don't you? You understand if I don't get a kidney I might not even have years, a year even... and that's if there aren't any complications… it's all just gonna get worse."

"What if you got a heart? What if a heart was available before a kidney?"

"It would just fail like this one," he explained simply, "They can keep giving me meds, I could have surgery in the future but nothing except a kidney will stop it from failing, everything they can do will just delay the inevitable and even then it might not delay it by much and… and we'll get to a point where even a kidney won't do anything, nothing will reverse the damage so… so can we just enjoy things now? I don't want to regret anything."

"Is…" Severide hesitated, a knot had formed in his throat, "Is there anything you do want to do?"

Casey's face broke into a grin, "What? Like a bucket list?" he laughed a little.

"Why are you laughing?" Severide was smiling now but there was a perplexed look in his eyes.

"It's just… funny," he shrugged, "And I really don't think there's anything that I'd make a bucket list for. I don't wanna climb mountains or go skydiving or… I dunno… I just wanna lie in bed with you, go outside when there's fresh snow, when it crunches when you walk… I want to stay up all night and watch the sunrise, I just want to be with you."

"Well I think you just made your bucket list," Severide spoke quietly, he was smiling but inside he could feel his heart breaking.

* * *

The next day, after a quick trip to his apartment to check on Midnight, Severide took Casey to his dialysis session. Shelley was pleased to see him and pleased to see the smile that had graced Casey's face. From then on Severide continued to drive Casey to and from his appointments whenever he wasn't on shift. He looked forward to spending time with Casey despite so much of it involving hanging around in hospital corridors or in designated waiting areas. Since Casey tended to sleep throughout his dialysis sessions Severide made good use of the time to go and do errands but he would always be back ready to greet Casey with a smile when he woke up.

Almost two weeks passed by and they'd been spending more and more time together, Casey was happier although Severide could tell he was much weaker, became tired even quicker than he used to and ended up spending a lot of his time lounging on the couch or sleeping even though he'd much rather be doing something productive. Severide had taken to sending Casey text messages throughout the day when he wasn't with him. He'd tell Casey that it was ok if he couldn't get out of bed, that it was ok if all he could do was eat a little and take his pills, that he was allowed to rest and spend the day in the house. Every message ended with Severide telling Casey that he loved him no matter what and that he'd be with him soon. Those reassurances and messages from Severide made Casey's days so much better and bearable

Severide was sitting outside the dialysis unit, cell phone to his ear, having been on hold for the past thirty minutes. He was tapping his knee impatiently and scowling heavily but on seeing Casey wheel himself through the door the scowl turned into a grin and he simply hung up.

The very second Casey saw Severide's expression he realised something was wrong. Severide had this constant worried look on his face these days, always trying to hide it from Casey but never succeeding. Casey stopped next to him and reached for his hand, "Are you all right?"

"Am I all right?" Severide repeated incredulously, trying to keep his voice from cracking.

"Hey I'm gonna be ok," he smiled, "I might be dying a little sooner than planned but that's ok."

Severide just stared into his eyes, shaking his head, "I don't want you to die at all."

"I know, and I know that I was an idiot for not telling you but you see why I didn't? I mean, look at you, you're a weeping mess! I've turned a Squad Lieutenant into a weeping mess. "

"I'm not crying," Severide insisted, almost looking away.

"Yeah? What are those tears doing?" he grinned.

"Got something in my eye…" Severide muttered and they both began to laugh together.


	29. Breathless

Casey was sitting on the couch, he'd not long returned back from the hospital where he'd had a blood transfusion. He'd taken a cab there and back since he couldn't drive with his left leg still immobilised in the brace but he hoped he only had one more week or so of wearing it, it would all depend on his next check-up, no doubt he'd would need some physio with the leg since it had been out of action for so long, he just hoped he would still be able to get around as independently as before despite the doctors initial negative outlook.

Severide had come by the night before and made dinner for the two of them before helping Casey to shower, something he'd been struggling with tremendously over the four weeks since he'd dislocated his knee and he'd refused assistance from the carer that came by a couple of days a week. He'd grown used to help during his hospital stays but he really didn't want that sort of help in his own home from someone he barely knew.

He was about to get up and heat up some leftovers for lunch when his cell phone rang. He smiled when he saw the caller ID. "Hey Kel," he greeted once he answered the call.

"Hey you," Severide began, "How was this morning?"

"All good," he replied, "Are you all right? You sound…"

"There's been a little incident at a scene…"

Casey could feel his stomach tighten, "Are you ok?"

"I'm all right, I just wanted to let you know, I am fine, ok? They checked me out in the ER and I'm all fine," Severide attempted to reassure Casey because he knew what his reaction would be but he couldn't hide this from Casey and he didn't want to, "I'm going home and I've gotta see the ophthalmologist…"

"What? What happened?"

"It's just to clear me for duty, I'm sure I'll be cleared, I feel fine and I can see just fine," Severide told him.

"What was it? Chemical exposure?"

"Nitric acid fumes, there was an incident at that plastic factory up on…"

"Acid?" Casey exclaimed, "Why didn't you have your mask on?"

"It happened just as I was gearing up," Severide explained calmly.

"You're ok?" he asked again.

"I'm not hurt, my eyes and throat are a little sore but that's it, I promise I'm fine, I was only to tell you I was ok, I didn't mean to worry you, ok?"

"You didn't worry me," Casey spoke quickly.

"You sounded worried," he smiled down the phone.

"Well you told me you've been to the ER, how was not supposed to be a little bit worried?" Casey questioned.

"You love me."

"Of course I do."

"I wish I could see you," Severide spoke.

"You can't drive?" he questioned thoughtfully, "I'll get a cab over to yours? I'll bring Pumpkin and I'll stay the night, I'll go with you tomorrow, I'll make dinner and breakfast and everything for you."

Casey could tell Severide was still smiling when he spoke, "Yeah?"

"Yeah," he repeated, smiling himself now, "Give me an hour or so and I should be with you."  
  


* * *

 

Casey and Pumpkin did stay at Severide's apartment and he did make dinner for him but after a night spent wide awake lying next to Severide he struggled the next day so Severide insisted he ate some cereal before they shared a cab to the ophthalmologist. Casey sat in his wheelchair as Severide had a thorough eye exam.

Severide emerged from the exam room with a smile on his face, "All sorted and like I said yesterday, I'm fine. Gotta wait half an hour or so before we can go, he but some drops in my eyes to paralyse the retina." He sat down at the end of the row of chairs next to Casey.

"But your eyes are fine?" he asked, nodding.

"No damage," Severide replied. "When did you last have an eye exam?"

"Me?" he frowned, "I didn't get exposed to nitric acid, my eyes are fine."

"High blood pressure can damage your vision," Severide stated.

"I know," he nodded. "Help me finish the crossword whilst we wait?"

Severide unsuccessfully tried to hold back a sigh. Casey could be so stubborn sometimes, and usually not to his own advantage. But no point in pushing the matter right now so he decided to just go with the change in topic. "Sure Matt. Go ahead."

He smiled, "Ok." Casey peered down at the puzzle in front of him, concentrating, and started to read out the clues, "Three across, I don't know the question, but… is definitely the answer?"

"Didn't Woody Allen say that?" Severide questioned. Casey nodded. "Sex?"

Casey nodded again, "It fits." He scribbled down the s and the x. He laughed a little when he read the next clue, "Erm… most intense moment? Six down ending in x."

"Matt…" Severide began.

"Uh huh?" he smiled up at him.

"Are you making these up? This isn't a real crossword?"

"It is, why would I make it up?"

"Where did you get it from?"

"Back of a porn mag," he paused, trying to gauge Severide's reaction from the expression on his face, "What? I had to keep myself entertained all those months I was on my own. Ha your face. That I am making up. Come on, give me the answer then."

"I think you know the answer," Severide couldn't help but grin back at him.

Casey just smirked and filled in the blank boxes "Next one?"

"I don't know if I dare continue."

"Wimp," he teased.  
  


* * *

 

Casey spent that night at Severide's apartment, a lovely lazy evening spent listening to their favourite music, picking at a small buffet and playing around with the two kittens. It was close to 9pm when Severide stretched and got up off the floor by the couch where he had been sitting with Pumpkin, the spot where Casey used to sit but couldn't right now.

"Wanna take a bath?" he asked Casey, keeping his voice as casual as he was able to.

"Tired," Casey said apologetically, indicating that he didn't really want one. "And besides, can't do baths very easily," he looked down at the brace he wore over his jeans.

"Oh yeah, of course. Well let's take a nice warm relaxing shower then, huh?" Severide grinned. He stood up and headed for the bathroom. He returned a few moments later to help Casey up from the couch and passed him his crutches, "Come on then..."

Casey followed him slowly into the bathroom, the room was warm and steamy from the shower jet.

"All ready for you," Severide said, nodding at the shower cubicle which made Casey grin.

"You kept everything?" he questioned, still smiling as he looked at the shower seat and grab rails.

"Yeah... I mean I was gonna get rid of them but, well, you know… I hoped they might be needed again...s o I had to keep them a little longer."

"I feel like apologising again but I think you'll actually hit me," Casey laughed.

"I will, I never wanna hear you apologise again Matthew Casey."

"Matthew," Casey repeated, "You sound like my mother."

"Speaking of your mother…" Severide began cautiously, "She didn't happen to get in touch with you over the last few months?"

"What?" he frowned, "No. I spoke to my sister though, she called on New Years Day, Violet's doing well in school apparently."

"That's good," Severide nodded, "She's not changed her mind about getting…"

"I didn't bring it up," he replied.

"Oh…"

"But anyway, she asked me if I'd spoken to mom, so obviously she hasn't," he explained.

"You're not worried about her?"

"My mom?" he questioned. He shrugged, "Be nice to know where she was, she could be back in prison for all I know, I think she did break her parole… Kelly?"

"Yeah?"

Casey sighed, "Let's not talk about my mom, or my sister. We're supposed to be showering together."

"All right," he agreed. Severide pulled off Casey's hoody and t-shirt. He removed Casey's prosthetic and brace, slipped his jeans and boxers down before taking of his own clothes as Casey swung himself on his crutches into the shower and lowered himself onto the seat. Severide took the crutches from him whilst he started to relax under the jets of comforting hot water. Severide put the crutches to the side and got in, standing behind Casey.

He poured the shower gel onto a washcloth and slowly massaged it over Casey's back and shoulders, "Feel good?" he asked him, moving on to his arms and then washing his hair.

"I've missed this," Casey murmured, revelling in the relaxing aroma.

"Me too."

Severide spent some time massaging and washing Casey as he sat on the shower chair and once he had finished Casey returned the favour as much as he could from his sitting position, getting Severide to just lower his head down so he was able to wash his hair. He massaged the cloth over Severide's chest and back, then the rest of his body right down to his ankles making him sigh with pleasure.

Severide bent his head and kissed Casey's wet hair, "Come on, let's get dried off and get into bed yeah?"

"Uh huh," Casey said softly, "I could sleep right here…"

"How d'you feel now?" Severide asked as they dried off with the huge warm bath towels.

"Good," Casey responded as Severide wrapped the bath towel around him as he stood outside the shower now, balanced on his crutches again. He carefully followed Severide into the bedroom and sat himself on the bed on top of the towel whilst Severide grabbed a bottle of moisturiser from the cabinet and passed it over to Casey before pulling on some clean boxers and a shirt.

"Here let me," Severide took the bottle from Casey's hand now that he was dressed.

"I don't need…"

"Shut up Matt," Severide just smiled as he squirted the cream into his hands, rubbed them together then began to gently massage Casey's residual limb, "You've been neglecting your skin."

He tried to keep a straight face but he failed miserably. He laughed, "That sounded so very very gay."

"Skin care is important, especially for your legs," Severide reminded him.

"I know, I know…" he sighed. But he had to admit it did feel good to have someone caring about him again.  
  


* * *

 

Over the next few weeks Casey spent an increasing amount of his time at Severide's apartment. so much so that Pumpkin was living there permanently and a lot of Casey's stuff had gradually made its way back there. Casey had developed a permanent dry cough, a side effect of the ACE inhibiters he was taking, Severide had been worried about it at first until he was reassured by the doctor when Casey took him along to one of his regular check-ups. Although despite the doctors reassurance Severide couldn't help but worry when the dry coughing led to Casey struggling to catch his breath.

Their living arrangement seemed as though it was becoming as permanent and one evening they were just lounging in bed, reading for a while before they slept, when Severide took the bull by the horns and finally decided to ask Casey the question that had been in his mind for a while now. "Matty…" he began thoughtfully.

"Uh huh," Casey didn't look up from his book.

"You know how Pumpkin's back here all the time…"

"What? Sorry," Casey looked up from his book and smiled, having been too focused on what he was reading to hear Severide.

"Will you move back in with me? Officially?" he paused, watching Casey carefully, trying to assess his reaction but Casey was deliberately keeping his expression neutral and as non-reactive as he could.

"Kel…" Casey began, his voice serious.

Severide's heart sank a little as he sat waiting for Casey's answer, "It's fine if you don't want, but if you did want to…"

"Stop. I'd love to," he smiled, "Under one condition."

"What's that?"

"Help me sell my house?"

Severide's face broke into the biggest grin Casey had seen for a long time. "Are you sure? Really sure?" he questioned, "You were so happy when you bought that house."

"I bought that house because I…"

"Because it's perfect for a family," Severide continued for him when he trailed off. "Matt, I'd totally understand if you wanted to keep it, I know what it means to you, are you sure you want to sell it?"

"I'm sure. I don't need somewhere to run to… not that I can run but you know what I mean," he grinned.

Severide smiled back at him, moved in and kissed him on the lips. He pulled back and still smiling spoke, "Thank you."

"Don't thank me, you're stuck with me forever now."

"Forever sounds perfect," Severide said and at that moment Casey's wrist watch chimed. "I'll get you a fresh drink," he explained as he got up off the bed.

As Severide left the room his cell phone began to ring, Casey reached across to the night stand for it, "Kel, phone!" he called out. Severide took the phone from him when he passed Casey the water when he returned, "Was a New Jersey area code," Casey explained.

"Ah, I'll go call them back," he said as Casey started to take his pills, "Then I'll get some dinner going?"

"Sounds good."  
  


* * *

 

Two weeks later Casey's house was on the market with a realtor company. Most of his furniture had been sold and his belongings were now in Severide's apartment. His construction gear and tools had either been sold or were stored in Severide's shed down at the boatyard. Casey had only kept the equipment that they both thought might be useful for Severide's boat repair work. He no longer wanted to get back his construction business back up and running, he had accepted that for now he wasn't going to be capable of running it like before and wanted to just move on. Casey's immobilising brace had been swapped for his standard brace and he was still unable to weight bear all the time, he reluctantly went back to having regular physio sessions and was struggling to even walk down the set of parallel bars, Ty was as positive and encouraging as he always had been but Casey didn't have it in him to care this time, he tired easily and the nerve damage done to his left leg had caused some numbness in his calf and ride side of his foot.

Severide was just placing the last few of Casey's huge book collection onto the shelving unit when he turned to speak to Casey, "We should really do something to celebrate you officially moving in," He picked up the last two books and could just get them onto the shelf. He hadn't been entirely convinced they would all fit but they were finally all there.

"How about grocery shopping?" Casey replied, shrugging a little.

"Grocery shopping?" Severide scoffed incredulously, staring at Casey, "Not exactly what I had in mind Matt."

"I've not been for months," he pointed out, "I'd actually love to go."

"Are you mad?"

"Probably just high," he said in all seriousness, thinking about the amount of medication he was on nowadays.

"If you wanted to come with me why didn't you just say?"

"Not really felt up for it," he admitted.

Severide smiled at that, "You feel good today?"

He nodded and they began to get ready for their trip out. Despite the warm t-shirt weather, just like it had been the previous spring, Casey was still wearing another layer and he would keep that up until well into the summer when it became much hotter. Severide fleetingly wondered if Casey had started to wear shorts or cut offs around home since he had grown comfortable with them on vacation the year before, he hoped he would, he hated that Casey felt uncomfortable with his own body at times.

"You know don't have to avoid that street," Casey stated as they got into the car.

Severide glanced over to him, "What?"

"You end up driving for longer just 'cause I'm with you. You don't need to avoid that street, that building," he explained.

"I thought..."

"I know but I'll be fine," he smiled at Severide's thoughtfulness and concern.

"Of course you would I just..."

"Thought it was a good idea not to go there," he finished for Severide, "I don't really have any flashbacks anymore. And I'm with you so I'll be fine... and besides I used to drive past it when I went to the store on my own."

"I don't."

He frowned, "What?"

"I can't drive past it," Severide stated, "I think I was telling myself not to take you past it but I don't drive past it when I'm on my own either."

"Kelly… I… I'm sorry, I didn't think, I…"

"Don't tell me that you're being selfish, you're not, all right? I didn't tell to make you feel bad, I just wanted to tell you the truth,"

"Well if we're being honest with each other then… erm… I lied," Casey admitted slowly.

"You're still having flashbacks?"

"Not so bad at the moment, I seem to go through phases," Casey explained, "But that's not really what I lied about… I don't drive past either."

Severide just grinned, "We're useless stubborn men who rarely talk about anything…"

"Habit."

"Right, let's get going or we'll be grocery shopping at midnight at this rate," he smiled as he fastened his seat belt and turned on the ignition.  
  


* * *

 

They were sitting close together on the couch after eating dinner, both happy that Casey's managed to eat the whole meal, a rare occasion at the moment because the medication made him lose his appetite and he often felt full and uncomfortable, Severide was worried about fluid retention but they were careful with his diet and intake.

Severide caught Casey in his peripheral vision and saw the pained expression of his face, "All right? Stomach?"

Casey just shook his head.

"Your leg?" he frowned, "Are you still getting phantom pains?"

Casey nodded a little, clearly trying to keep himself in control of the pain.

"Matt what can I do?"

Casey shook his head again, his jaw tight, "Gotta ride it out…"

Severide shifted a little on the couch, twisting round so he faced Casey, "Let me…"

"Don't touch it," Casey snapped. "Sorry," he added when he realised the harshness of his tone.

Severide backed off and just watched as Casey's eyes scrunched shut and he grit his teeth, his breaths were quickening as he tensed up. Worried that Casey was starting to hyperventilate Severide tried to intervene. "I'm getting you some…" but he never finished his sentence.

"I can't…" Casey struggled and gasped, "Can't catch… my…"

Severide felt agitation rising inside himself as he watched Casey struggle to draw breath. He took Casey's hand and placed it firmly beneath his own against his chest. "Just try and relax, feel my chest, you're just panicking a little but you're ok, you're ok, shh… in… out… in… out…"

Casey was shaking his head and his eyes were beginning to lose focus as Severide continued, "

"It's ok, you've got it, just breathe for me…"

It was soon clear that Severide's usual assurances weren't helping Casey. Now he feared that there more to this and he thought that maybe Casey was suffering with some kind of infection or that he had fluid n his lungs, or worse still; fluid around his heart again.

Despite Casey's obvious distress, he must have been thinking the same way. The words would scarcely come but he finally struggled to get them out, "Hosp… hos…"

"Yeah," Severide nodded in agreement.  
  


* * *

 

By the time they'd arrived at the ER Casey's breathing had improved somewhat but he still short of breath, his chest was still heaving, he was dizzy and exhausted from it all. Casey wasn't in the waiting area for much time at all, not once Severide told the staff at the reception that Casey's chest was hurting.

A doctor arrived in the waiting room, he went straight over to Casey. He had his eyes closed but was still conscious as the man spoke to him, "Hi Matt, let's go and get you more comfortable." Severide nodded his thanks and pushed Casey in his wheelchair, following the ER doctor through past the waiting area, now crammed with people, and towards the double doors. He heard a loud comment from a man exclaiming that he had been there long before Casey but chose to ignore I, it wasn't the time or place for reaction or anger. The man was still complaining as the doors swung closed.

The team quickly set Casey up on a gurney. An oxygen mask was slipped over his face and he was attached to an ECG monitor that was showing his sporadic heart movements. They worked to stabilise his breathing a little before the doctor examined him. He did some pulmonary function tests and a nurse took some blood as Casey waited for the x-ray to become available, it didn't take long, and soon Severide was left alone in the bay.

It didn't take long for Casey to return and Severide remained away from the bed but within sight of him. The ER was becoming more and more hectic and full of patients. Casey's doctor remained calm and reassuring by Casey's side. "All right Matt, you just try and relax, won't take long until you blood tests are back," the doctor spoke to him, "You need to keep this mask on, your oxygen level's still quite low, ok?"

Severide watched Casey nodded ever so slightly, the doctor walked past and he stopped him, "He's ok?"

"There's no fluid in his lungs, chest x-ray looks good, we just need to wait for the blood results to rule out infection," the man replied.

"Rule out infection?" Severide queried, his brows knitted together, "Then what's... .it's his heart…" his voice trailed off as he realised what had caused Casey's respiratory distress.

The doctor nodded, "It most likely that he's having a flare up but we need to make sure. I'll let you know as soon as I do. He's more comfortable now at least."

"Thanks doc…" he said as gazed at Casey in the bed. The nurse had helped him change into a gown before the chest x-ray had been taken so Severide walked up to the bed a pulled the blanket up over him, "I'll go see if I can get you another blanket baby, do you need a heat pad? I'll be back, I promise," he said as he carded his fingers through Casey's blond hair.

When Severide returned with another blanket Casey's eyes were still half-lidded and his oxygen levels were still lower than desired. There was a nurse with a man in the next bed along now so when it looked like she had a moment Severide asked, "Do you have any heat pads down here?"

She turned. "I'll try and get hold of one for you," she smiled before walking away.

"Hey! When am I gonna get seen by a doctor?!" the man on the gurney yelled out.

"Looks like they're all swamped tonight," Severide commented before turning to Casey.

"Kel…" Casey murmured underneath the oxygen mask.

"Hey baby," he smiled down at Casey's weary face.

"Wha… what's happening?"

"We just gotta wait, how's your chest feeling?"

"M'ok now…" he muttered.

"No," Severide shook his head, "No you're not. And you're not allowed to ask if you can go home, all right?"

"Busy…"

"Yeah it is but that's ok," he replied, "Now stop avoiding the question, how does your chest feel?"

Casey frowned a little as he tried to find the best explanation for what he was feeling. "Tired," he muttered hoarsely.

"Hey!" the man in the bay next to them called out loudly, "When is someone going to get to me? You better move me away from these fags! I don't want to catch HIV…"

Severide grit his teeth and focused his attention back on Casey who fortunately seemed mostly oblivious to what was going on around him.

"Kel…"

"Yeah, I'm still here baby," he gripped Casey's hand.

"What's happening?"

Severide frowned down at him for a moment, concern etched across his features, "Just waiting for your bloods to come back."

Before they could say anymore a familiar face appeared. "Hey lieutenants," the ER nurse greeted them, "Heard you were looking for a heat pad." She held the pad up and walked over to Casey's bed, she connected the heat pad to the small power unit and passed it to Severide. The two of them helped sit Casey up a little so they could slip it behind his back.

"Thanks," Severide smiled at her, still happy to see a friendly face even if they only knew each from brief encounters at work and Molly's.

"How's he doing?" she asked Severide.

"A little better," he nodded.

"I'll try and get you moved to a private area so he can get some proper rest," she smiled down at Casey as she spoke. "Do you need anything Kelly? Coffee?" she asked him.

"Coffee would be fantastic, I don't wanna leave his side," he told her.

"I know," she nodded. "Hey Casey?" she spoke as she saw Casey's eyes flutter open.

"Mmm…"

"You gotta come by Molly's when you're feeling better, yeah?"

"Mmm… maybe…"

"I'll take that as a yes," she touched his shoulder gently before making her leave.

They were soon moved to a small room away from the chaos of the main ER, Severide ad dimmed the lights a little and remain seated by Casey's side, it was almost 4am now and even with the caffeine in his system he was struggling to stay awake but the door opened with a slight creak drawing Severide's attention away from Casey who remained asleep.

"You have the test results back?" Severide asked when the ER doctor stepped inside, the door closed behind him. "Not an infection?" he half stated.

"I'm afraid not," the man replied solemnly, "We're going to admit him to cardiology just until he's stabilised. It shouldn't be any more than a few days."

Severide shook his head, "Can't believe I was actually hoping he was sick when we've spent all this time worrying he'd catch something."

The doctor just nodded sadly and informed him, "A porter will be down when there's a bed ready, it might be a while, we're short staffed tonight."

"All right, thanks doc."


	30. Always the Hero

Casey woke slowly but eventually he opened his eyes to familiar surroundings. He had been in the hospital for two days, during which time Severide had hardly left his side, Shay was on cat-sitting duty and Boden had put in a temporary replacement for Severide at work.

When his eyes focused they met Severide's, there was a concerned expression across his face. Casey glanced down at his wrist, it pained him a little although it didn't feel like much in comparison to some of the pain he'd felt in the past eighteen months.

"You managed to pull out your IV and arterial line," Severide informed him as he gazed tiredly down at the bandage wrapped around his left wrist and the relocated IV port, "They've not bothered with another arterial line, doc's hoping to discharge you before the weekend."

"Sorry…" Casey muttered groggily.

Severide just smiled at that, "Did you give me a bit of a fright when blood started spurting everywhere." It had happened the previous day, a moment of panic. Casey had woken up with a start and feeling trapped beneath the bed covers, feeling disoriented and confused about the location, he'd used all his strength in an attempt to free himself.

"Did you say discharged?" Casey questioned after clearing his throat.

"Before the weekend hopefully, your oxygen levels have been in the high nineties for the last twelve hours."

Severide watched Casey's hand weakly make a move up to this face, an unconscious attempt to dislodge the nasal cannula. The oxygen mask had been removed the previous day and Casey had been switched onto a nasal cannula, a nasal cannula that he apparently found just as irritating as the mask because whenever Severide was sat with him, which was all the time he was permitted, he felt as though he spent a large proportion of his time gently grabbing Casey's hand and moving it down away from his face as he tried to remove it. Casey had spent the majority of his hospital stay asleep, weak and mostly unware of his surroundings. Now he was more coherent his attempts to remove the nasal cannula didn't happen so often. Severide just shook his head in warning, Casey gazed up at him before his hand weakly fell back down to the bed.

"Been here forever," Casey commented wearily.

"Only two days," Severide reminded him. They'd had a similar conversation earlier.

"Oh… sorry."

"It's ok," Severide reassured him. "Are you feeling all right?" he asked softly.

Casey nodded a little, "Just tired, bit confused."

"Confused?" he repeated, he had tried to explain everything to Casey in his varying stages of consciousness, he knew how he disliked being out of control.

"Why am I here? Am I sick?"

"Oh no baby, you're not sick," he shook his head, smiling. "You weren't getting enough oxygen," he explained.

"That's it?"

Severide nodded, "Pretty much."

"Getting enough now?" he tried to glance up at the monitor by his left hand side.

"You're doing better now."

"Have you been here the whole time? I think you have?"

"You're right, I have, can't tear me away," Severide smiled, "Shay's been checking in on the cats and I'm dead broke from continually bribing the staff so I can stay as long as possible."

"Thanks," he spoke.

Severide responded by picking up Casey's right hand and holding on to it, stroking his palm gently.

Casey looked around the room properly for the first time since he woke, his eyes caught the door to the private bathroom and an idea gelled in his head. "Can I have a shower?" he asked Severide.

"You had a sponge bath this morning," Severide reminded him, "You want a shower as well?"

He shook his head, he just wanted to feel clean and fresh, "Want to wake up."

"Baby," Severide began, "You don't need to wake up properly, you're supposed to be resting. But I'll go check with the nurse, ok?" he stood up and left the room. When Severide returned with permission to help Casey shower as long as they didn't dislodge the IV line he wasn't surprised to find that Casey had fallen back to sleep. He'd had a tough couple of days and it had taken its strain on his body. Severide sat back down in his usual seat after rearranging Casey's blanket and pillows, he didn't know how Casey managed to tangle them up so much when the only time he moved much was when the nurses helped reposition him.  
  


* * *

 

Day three of Casey's hospital stay started as usual for Severide, he woke up early having not slept very much since he'd returned home and went out for a short run before showering, spending some time with Midnight and Pumpkin before grabbing some toast and heading for the hospital.

He was happy to discover that Casey's IV line had been removed and that he was sat up in bed and greeting him with a smile as he entered. "Morning you," Severide couldn't help but grin at him. "You look good," he bent down and placed and affectionate kiss on Casey's forehead.

"Wanna help me escape?" Casey asked with a mischievous glint his eyes as Severide sat down.

"Do I want to help you escape?" he repeated incredulously.

"Escape outside," Casey shrugged, "Just for an hour or so?"

"You wanna go outside?" he smiled.

"I feel good," Casey told him.

"All right then," Severide smiled back, "I'll go grab a nurse and we'll get you out of bed."

"Thank you."

A short while later Casey was detached from the monitoring equipment and sitting in his wheelchair, an oxygen canister attached to the back because he still needed the nasal cannula, he wore a robe over his pyjamas and had a blanket over his lap. Severide was cheerful as he pushed Casey along the corridor towards the elevator. Just the fact that the staff had allowed Casey to be away from his monitors for a while made him happy.

The excursion from the hospital room had been a welcome relief although just sitting up and talking had exhausted him and he fell asleep shortly after getting back into his bed. He woke some time later, Severide was still by his side, he smiled at that. Severide was always by his side, even after everything Casey had done Severide was still there for him, he'd forgiven him and things had gone back to the way they were before and it made him feel like the luckiest man alive to have such a partner in life.

"Hey sleeping beauty," Severide greeted him when he noticed his oceanic eyes gazing towards him, "Still feeling good?"

"I'm hungry," he replied tiredly, he figured that would please Severide and he wanted to please Severide.

"Did you not manage breakfast?" Severide asked, concern evident.

"I did."

"You've got your appetite back then?" Severide grinned broadly as he realised the good news.

He smiled back at Severide. "Must have. So fetch me some food," he ordered teasingly. His smile fell as he watched Severide leave the room, he let out a sigh and closed his eyes for a few moments. Now that he'd been properly awake for some time and had spoken to his doctor during rounds that morning the full gravity of the situation he was in had hit him.

On their way back to his room earlier that day he'd seen a sight that he couldn't get out of the front of his mind. He'd seen worse things, seen gruesome and terrible things but seeing the man a few doors down from him on the cardiology ward awake and with a tube in his throat he couldn't help but think that would be him soon enough. Unable to breathe on his own, unlikely to ever be able to breathe on his own again, body failing and relying on machines to sustain him during his last days clinging onto life. He didn't want to end up like that, Severide had promised he wouldn't when he'd quickly figured out what Casey had been thinking. Casey had simply told him that he shouldn't make promises he can't keep.

When Severide returned with some food he noticed the sombre expression on Casey's weary face.

Casey just looked to him for a moment before speaking, "I'm gonna end up back here again, aren't I?"

"Probably."

"Yeah," he nodded sadly.

Changing the subject Severide began, "You spoke to the occupational therapist yesterday when I left?"

"I'm getting a new wheelchair," Casey said simply.

"That's good," he smiled enthusiastically, hoping to improve Casey's mood.

"Yeah," there was no smile on Casey's face as he spoke, "Custom made so it'll suit me better than this one," he looked towards his own that was in the corner of the room.

"Fire truck red, right?"

That made Casey smile, "They can actually make to match my leg."

"Oh fancy," Severide grinned back at him.

"It'll be power assisted too."

"That's good."

"I guess," Casey shrugged, "Suppose it was that or a mobility scooter," he scoffed.

"Baby," Severide began, "When you're not feeling so good it'll give some independence."

He smiled, "Yeah it will."  
  


* * *

 

"All right?" Severide questioned as he pushed Casey through the doorway of their apartment the next day. He'd finally been discharged that morning.

Casey just nodded his response, focussing on Pumpkin and Midnight who had both wandered over to greet him. They both purred, loving the attention he started to give them.

"Couch or bed?" Severide asked after a short while.

"Couch," Casey replied but rather than let Severide push the chair over to the couch he began to stand up, Severide quickly moved over to his side and helped him walk the rest of the way to the couch. Despite being mostly bed bound during his time at the hospital he was doing quite well physically, Ty had been along to see him and help him with some exercises the previous afternoon.

As Severide helped Casey sit down he spoke, "Blanket? Oh do you want some food or…"

He smiled, "Kelly I'm fine. Just relax, get a beer, sit with me."

Severide smiled back, a breath of relief was released as he sat down next to Casey, "I'm glad you're home."

"Me too." The two excitable young cats had followed them both over to the couch and jumped up beside them, demanding attention. "Missed these guys," he said softly as he rubbed Midnight under her chin.

"Think they missed you, you're more lenient with them than I am," Severide teased, scratching Pumpkin's back.

"I'm not very good at saying no," Casey observed, smiling.

"I know," Severide laughed. He gazed at Casey for a few moments whilst he started to rub Pumpkins belly, Severide was still smiling at him. "C'mere…" he pulled Casey into a hug, "I love you."

"I love you too."  
  


* * *

 

Casey's good days were few and far between now but whenever they came around he took full advantage of them, even though he'd be wiped out afterwards. During the hot Chicago summer he spent two more nights in the ER and had another hospital admission. It was fall now and he now had to sleep with an oxygen mask at home and sometimes resorted to using it during the day

"Kel wake up…"

Severide groaned as he opened his eyes and quickly realised it was Casey's voice that had woken him, "You ok?" he asked suddenly.

"Yeah I'm fine," Casey replied and he really did look and sound fine as he had said.

He glanced at the clock, "What the hell… it's 5:30 in the morning Matt?"

"I've been up for hours," Casey explained, "I thought we could go fishing since you're not at work and I don't have any appointments or anything."

"It's 5:30 in the morning," he repeated.

"If I was coughing, puking, in pain, not breathing, having some sort of panic attack, then you'd get out of bed at 5:30," Casey grinned. "I can cough a bit if you want?" he laughed a little at that thought.

"You want to go fishing?"

"Doesn't have to be an all-day thing, just thought it might be nice, weather looks good," Casey said persuasively.

Severide just smiled, "You don't need convince me, you just need to wait for me to wake up, all right?"

Casey smiled at that.

"You've been up for hours?"

"I feel really good," he nodded eagerly, "I've reorganised my books and some of the kitchen cupboards."

"You sound hyper," Severide commented, grinning at Casey's enthusiasm. He hadn't seen him like this for a long time and it warmed his heart.

"Let's take advantage of that."

"Sounds like a good idea," Severide accepted, only he knew Casey would crash eventually but he didn't want to dampen his mood.

They went to a local spot by the lake that Severide knew well, it wasn't the best place but it was close and Severide didn't want to take Casey too far away from home. Casey struggled a little with the terrain but left the wheelchair in the car and stuck with the walker, Ty was hopeful he'd be back using crutches soon, Casey wasn't so hopeful but he didn't mind, things could always be worse. They sat by each other at the edge of the small beached area, the trees around them blocked the direct heat of the sun.

"Thanks for this," Casey nodded appreciatively at his surroundings as they settled into their relaxing morning.

"You warm enough?"

"I'm all right, let's just enjoy this, yeah? I promise that if I start to feel unwell or anything I'll let you know."

"All right, deal."

They sat there in comfortable silence enjoying the peace for a short time. All the while Severide glanced over from the lake to Casey, he smiled when saw the content expression on his face.

Casey face broke into a grin the sixteenth time he noticed Severide looking at him. "Kelly," he began, "I'm not going to disappear."

"Huh?"

Still grinning Casey continued, "Quit staring at me."

"I'm not staring," Severide huffed teasingly.

"You might as well be!" he laughed.

Severide turned back to the lake. "We'll do this again," he spoke softly.

It was Casey's turn to gaze at Severide now, he didn't miss the sadness in his expression. "Of course we will. I promise."

Just as Severide had predicated Casey did crash and burn. It wasn't pretty. They had only been fishing for a couple of hours when Severide noticed that Casey visibly paled and his face jaw clenched. Severide immediately abandoned his fishing rod and turned to Casey, "Baby?"

"Chest," it was all Casey needed to mutter, all he could mutter. He was having an arrhythmia, his chest was fluttering, the blood had rushed from his head, the world was shifting around him. His heart had slowed, there wasn't enough blood pumping around his body. They both knew it should pass soon but that didn't mean Severide worried any less.

Severide was by Casey's side now. He held his hand and felt how cold his skin was, Casey was always so cold nowadays, his circulation seemed to worsen all the time, in the middle of the summer heat there were times where struggled to remain warm. Severide was powerless to do anything except continue to hold his hand until his heart recovered and regained its normal rhythm.

When the fluttering in Casey's chest had stopped he looked at Severide and smiled a little to show him it was over for now. His body felt incredibly weak, he was lightheaded and nauseated but his chest felt better and was settling down. "Sorry," he spoke wearily, "Hate worrying you."

Severide smile back at him although it was the last thing he felt like doing. He just gripped Casey's hand comfortingly as he spoke, "Let's call it a day. Get home and have some lunch, yeah?"

Casey didn't want to object even though he wished they could stay out a while longer, he wanted to make Severide happy so he agreed. "Sure," he nodded, "You'll have to give me a hand."

"I would have insisted that I did," Severide told him before he helped him get up, almost having to lift him bodily up onto his feet. He supported him as they walked slowly back to his car. Once Casey was inside he turned the heating on full blast and wrapped a blanket around Casey to warm his cold body. He then made several trips to and from the car to collect Casey's walker, their fold up chairs and fishing gear. "How you doing?" he asked Casey as he got into the driver's seat, the car was now so warm Severide thought he would soon have to take his jumper off.

"M'all right," Casey murmured softly, there was a smile on his face even though his eyes were closed now, "Sorry we had to cut it short. Didn't even get to catch anything..."

"Forget about it," Severide told him casually, not wanting to make an thing of it, "You any warmer?"

Casey nodded, opening his eyes again, that smile still lighting his face.

Back at the apartment Severide prepared a small lunch for them both which they ate sitting on the couch whilst the two cats pawing at their feet for attention. Once they'd eaten Casey took himself off to bed, he'd been awake for almost twelve hours and felt completely drained and almost incapable of coherent thought.

Severide stayed in the lounge, channel flicking with the cats by his knees, trying in vain to find something interesting to watch that he hadn't seen a million times already. Eventually giving it up as a bad job and slipping into their bedroom. "You awake?" he spoke softly to the shape under the bed covers.

"No…" Casey muttered back, his voice muffled by the oxygen mask.

Severide grinned, "No?"

"No…" he repeated sleepily as Severide pulled back the covers on the other side of the bed.

Severide got into the bed behind Casey and wrapped his arms around him. He was much warmer now so Severide felt relieved about that.

"Kelly," Casey began after pulling away the mask, "I'm not going to let this get me. I should have died trapped in that building but I didn't. I should have died when I went into cardiac arrest but I didn't. I won't let this get me, not for a long time. I've made it through everything so far, all that pain, all these scars, I survived, I did it. I made it. I survived through what was meant to kill me. If I can do that I can do anything, and I can do it again."

A lump formed in Severide's throat and he kissed the back of Casey's head, tears in his eyes but smiling at Casey's newfound optimism. "I keep telling you that you're strong. Finally got through to you, have I?"

"Apparently," Casey turned to face him, smiling. "We'll have a family too. I know we will. If you still want that?"

"Of course I want that, I want that so much Matt."

"It will happen. I don't know how or when or…"

"Shh…" Severide hushed him, "Don't overthink it."

"Why? Because I'll quickly realise that it won't happen, that it can't happen?" he spoke. Tears sprung into Casey's eyes and he tried to blink them away. "I'm going to get any better. I'm always going to be sick. And it could get worse. It will get worse eventually," His voice cracked with emotion as he spoke. It had always been one of Casey's dearest wishes to have kids and now he felt it was so completely beyond his reach.

"Hey, hey, what happened to getting through all of these because you've survived everything else?"

"Oh c'mon we both know there's no recovery from this, it all just goes downhill and there's nothing either of us can do to stop it… sorry… I don't mean to be so… I don't know… I'm trying hard to be positive but then I think about things I wanted to do with my life… it's hard."

"I know, I know."  
  


* * *

 

"You look amazing," Severide said as he came through the bedroom door. Casey was standing by the wardrobe dressed and ready to go out for their meal. It was date night, they'd not been out like this for a few weeks now and were in serious need of a nice relaxing evening with no mention of work or hospitals. "That jacket isn't drowning quite so much anymore," he smiled as Casey turned to face him.

"Really?" Casey questioned.

"Really," he nodded, still smiling, "You could do with gaining a little more but you are looking better."

"Good," Casey smiled back at him, "And I think I'll go with crutches tonight."

"Sure?"

"Yup," Casey was grinning now.

"I love when you're all determined, have I ever told you that?"

"Only a thousand times," Casey laughed.

An hour later they were sat facing each other in the restaurant, Severide gazed around the place and raised an eyebrow, "This is nice."

Casey scoffed with laughter, trying to hold back a snigger, "Bit fancy for the likes of us."

"You chose it?"

"No I didn't!" he exclaimed, "You're one the who booked it, a recommendation from Capp's mother if I remember rightly."

"Ah yeah maybe," Severide conceded as a waiter approached their table.

"Good evening..." he began politely, "Would you like to view the wine list gentlemen?"

Casey smiled at the young man then he turned to face Severide, repeating, "Wine list... gentlemen..." he rolled his eyes in amusement.

Severide held back his laughter better than Casey and spoke to the waiter. "We'll just have two glasses of the house red please... actually, make that one glass and one half glass, thanks," he smiled. The waiter walked away to get the wine, leaving Severide shaking his head at Casey, "You are impossible to take out, you know that right? Here we are, I've taken you to a fancy restaurant and you'd much rather be in some sports bar."

"No, no, this is lovely, honestly…" Casey laughed again, "I was just hoping you were going to do that wine tasting thing… and gentleman? You?" he teased.

"You're impossible," Severide spoke, he moved in closer and took Casey's hand, "And so beautiful when you laugh like that."

"Well you make me very happy."

Soon they were eating their main course. Severide was continually glancing at Casey, it didn't go unnoticed by him but he didn't complain, Severide was only looking out for him. He'd spent a few days feeling a little unwell, he'd lost his appetite and had a low grade fever but he'd been feeling better for a couple of days now.

They'd not planned for their evening to turn into such a drama, in fact they were quite happy avoiding drama, they'd had enough of it in their lives so far but when the young man sitting at the table near them cried out for help instinct took over. The woman he was with looked like she was choking and as Severide rushed into action Casey very quickly observed the scene in front of him.

"Is she allergic to anything?" Casey asked the man.

"I… I… this is our first date… I don't know…" he spluttered.

Severide now had the woman lying supine on the floor. Without thinking of himself Casey dropped to his knees. He grabbed the woman's purse and tipped out the contents in front of him, swiftly rifling through them and finding what he was searching for. He grabbed the epi-pen, yanked off the lid and slammed the tip into the woman's thigh. After a few tense moments the woman's breathing eased, Severide had a couple of fingers on her neck, he felt her pulse slowly return to normal and he gave Casey a reassuring nod. "Always the hero," Severide mouthed to him.

"There's an ambulance on the way?" Casey questioned, peering up at the mass of faces that had gathered around them. One of the restaurant staff informed him that an ambulance was on its way and would arrive shortly. They stayed with the young woman as she slowly awoke and waited with her until the paramedic crew appeared.

"Are you stuck?" Severide asked, a mischievous smile on his face, once their assistance was no longer needed and the medics had taken over.

"Maybe," Casey smiled back at him.

"You're an idiot, you could have just told me."

"Faster for me just to do," Casey replied. "And we both know what oxygen deprivation can do," he added.

"Yeah but now I might just have to leave on the floor of this very nice restaurant."

"You wouldn't?" he half stated, and really did hope Severide that was going to help him up since the crowd that had gathered was dispersing and he really did not want to be left on the floor.

Severide just grinned and gently helped Casey to his feet and back onto the chair at their table. Casey just sat there and observed the woman being taken away on the gurney. Severide was still grinning, shaking his head, "Can't take you anywhere."

"I'm not the one who went into anaphylactic shock!" Casey countered.

"No, you're the one who attracts trouble wherever he goes."  
  


* * *

 

A few more weeks passed by, life went on as usual, Severide continued working and Casey continued with his hospital appointments, he always joked that he seemed to spend most of his time having dialysis, blood transfusions and physio. Physiotherapy had lessened again now he was comfortably managing to get around by himself with only the walker or crutches. He did still resort to the wheelchair but that was because of his heart more than anything and having been given his new chair recently he had to admit the power assistance really did help him get by on his bad days.

"Matty," Severide's whispered voice was just loud enough to stir Casey from sleep, "Wake up baby."

"Mmm…" Casey muttered incoherently into his pillow as he tried to force his eyes open. The main light was on and Severide was sitting on the bed next to him. "What's wrong?" he questioned after clearing his throat.

"Are you ready for this?" Severide began.

"For what? You're smiling? What is it?"

"You're going to be getting a kidney very soon."

"What?" he glanced over to the pager on the night stand because he didn't think he could hear it and he was right, it was still silent. He frowned up at him.

Severide went on to explain, "A live donor. It's a really good match."

"A live donor? Who?"

"They want to remain anonymous apparently."

"I'm getting a kidney?" Casey repeated, still not able to quite believe it. He had been so adamant to begin with that he didn't want one because it would just be wasted on him but Severide and his doctor had explained to him so many times that the system would work and kept on insisting that the organ would certainly not be wasted on him.

Severide nodded, "They're willing wait if the doctor's don't clear you for the surgery straight away, benefit of a live donor."

"I'm getting a kidney."


	31. Surgery

Casey didn't quite know what to do with himself after the good news, he was excited, more than a little apprehensive, tomorrow he'd be going into the hospital for a battery of tests to check they could go ahead of the surgery and if all went well he could be having the operation within the next twenty-four hours. Severide had explained that the donor had gone through all the required protocols, and had even spoken with a psychiatrist to ensure they were willing to go through with things. All that remained was to make certain that Casey was fit enough to cope with the surgery.

He was still reeling from the news and late that night he was wide awake. Severide turned over in the bed and watched Casey for a few moments. He could tell he was still awake from the way he was breathing, even though his eyes were closed. "Can't sleep?" he asked softly.

Casey shook his head, "I want to but I just… I just can't."

"Worried?"

"I don't know. I don't know how I feel," he explained, "I want to be happy."

"You can be happy," Severide told him, "I'm happy about this, I'm so happy about all of this."

A few moments passed before Casey spoke again, "Do I deserve it?"

"You deserve the world Matt," he pulled Casey gently into a hug and waited for him to fall asleep before carefully moving him and slipping the oxygen mask over his face.

A while later he woke with a weight on his chest. He frowned down at the mop of blond hair. Casey had moved the oxygen mask from his face again, he often unconsciously pulled it away in his sleep, but Severide was now in the habit of waking every so often to slip it back on.

Curious to find out if Casey was awake since he was sprawled across his chest he whispered, "Baby?"

"Mmm…"

"What are you doing?" Severide couldn't help but smile.

"Sleeping…"

"Using me as a pillow?"

"You're comfy," Casey muttered.

"Are you calling me fat?" he pretended offence.

Very slowly Casey moved up a little so he could see Severide's face. He looked steadily into his eyes, "No you're perfect."

* * *

 

Early the next morning Casey was sitting on the side of his hospital bed, dressed only in the gown that Severide had helped him to change into whilst they waited for the doctor to arrive.

"Hi there Matt," the doctor walked in with a smile on his face, followed by the nurse who had given Casey the gown only fifteen minutes previously, "How are you feeling?"

"Good," Casey told him, dipping his head from side to side, indicating that he was nervous, whilst Severide just smiled at the man.

"But?" the doctor quizzed him, "Worried?"

"Guess so…" Casey admitted.

"I can understand that Matt. But we're just doing the tests today and if all goes well we'll get your surgery scheduled for tomorrow?'

"Tomorrow? Really that quick?"

The man nodded, "We can't wait long between the tests, we don't want to risk infection."

"Right, yeah, of course."

"So we'll take bloods, cultures, we also need do an ECG, stress test…"

"Stress test on my heart?" he questioned.

"We need to make sure the risk of…"

"Risk of death is at an acceptable," Casey finished his sentence.

"Not the words I was going to use but yes," the doctor replied. "We also need to do a liver function test and get some recent chest films."

"The kidney's not going in his chest?" Severide spoke up.

"My heart," Casey said simply. He focused back on the doctor, "What are the chances of not being cleared because of it?"

"I've looked through your file, your most recent check-up was good," the doctor tried to reassure him.

"Let's hope the bloods come back good then," he smiled. "And the donor… they're doing this because?" he looked at both of them

"Because they only need one kidney Matt. Don't question it," Severide said.

"None of this feels real," Casey commented as he looked around the room, shaking his head slowly.

They all smiled at that and the doctor spoke, "Well it is and I'm happy for you. Let's get these tests done and hopefully we'll get the surgery scheduled for you."  
  


* * *

 

The surgery was scheduled for the next day. Casey had passed the pre-transplant examination with flying colours much to his surprise, he was almost expecting to now be denied the surgery because of his heart but a live donor had been found just in time apparently.

He was lying in bed on back, it was a little after midnight and despite the busy day he struggled to sleep just like he had struggled the previous night.

Severide rolled over to him, "Talk to me baby?"

"I've never known I was gonna have surgery before, well, never really had a chance to think about it," Casey spoke, still staring up at the ceiling.

"You'll sail through it. And rather than thinking about the surgery itself think about after the surgery. You'll be able to pee again."

That brought a grin to Casey's face that Severide was pleased to see.  
  


* * *

 

Casey found himself once again wearing a flimsy hospital gown the next morning, it did very little to keep him warm. The usual bands had been snapped to his right wrist, his patient ID, a yellow fall warning band, and a pink band to make sure no one put an IV or took his blood pressure from his right arm. Severide had helped him up onto the hospital bed, removed his prosthetic for him, pulled the sheet up over his scarred leg and covered him up to his waist, tucking the sheet around him to try and keep him at least a little warm. After a few days of very little sleep Casey struggled that morning, his body struggled, and his mind struggled with what he knew was coming. He was feeling down, feeling cold, feeling scared. Casey was still shivering so Severide went off in search of a blanket. Even though Casey was sure they wouldn't let him take it through to surgery, he kept quiet and just let Severide do whatever he needed to do. Both their nerves were on edge so no point making things worse.

The surgeon came by while Severide was out of the room, it was the second time he'd met the man, the first was a brief encounter the previous day talking about the surgery itself, the risks and the possible outcomes. The kidney would be transplanted in the iliac fossa, his lower abdomen, the deceased kidneys would not be removed. The surgery would take around three hours and once Casey had recovered from the anaesthesia he would be kept in isolation for some time whilst he had he antirejection induction agents because his immune system was already weakened he was going to be at risk of infection, he always would be since he'd have to take immunosuppressants for the remainder of his life. The new kidney should start functioning almost immediately, producing urine, but it would take a few days until it would reach normal levels but there was always a chance of complications and Casey had been made fully aware of this.

"How are you doing Matt?" the man's voice broke into Casey's thoughts.

"Fine," Casey responded shortly. If truth be told his apprehension had only increased over the last few hours.

"Got a consent form for you to sign, and really just a reminder about what we spoke about yesterday, the operation itself isn't risky but with your heart the risk with the anaesthesia is increased but it's unanimously agreed that as this stage the benefits of the surgery to outweigh the risks. Do you have questions? Is there anything that's not clear? Anything you want me to go over again?"

Casey was holding the pen in his hand and staring down at the consent form on the clipboard in front of him. He was certain that if he read it all through carefully he would want to back out and not go ahead with the surgery. But he simply shook his head in response to the surgeon's question, still looking blankly at the consent form, totally unaware that Severide had slipped quietly back into the room. Was the risk to his heart worth going through with the surgery? He would only become more ill without it, but then what if the kidney failed anyway and he ended up having to stay on dialysis for the rest of his life? So many questions were playing on his mind.

Casey was suddenly conscious of another person in the room and he looked up to see Severide standing a few feet away with a blanket in his hands. Seeing Casey's hesitation Severide just nodded that he should go ahead and sign the form, smiling at him softly. Casey scribbled his signature on the dotted line and passed the clipboard back to the surgeon.

"All right, well I will see you in there in about hour Matt. A nurse will be by with your premeds soon," the surgeon smiled before he left the room.

Severide walked up to Casey's side. He wanted to ask him if he was all right, but he knew he wasn't, he knew he was going to get more and more agitated with worry as he waited for the surgery so he decided to distract him.

"I've actually got a little present for you," Severide began, capturing Casey's attention, "Nothing special, just a pre-transplant gift box." He smiled as he handed Casey the small box from out of the bag he'd been carrying. He smiled even more as Casey opened open up the box and pulled out the first item.

Casey burst out laughing. "You got me a kidney?" he questioned as he held up the large purple plush toy.

"Figured you'd have two now," Severide grinned.

"What are these?" Casey spoke as he pulled out the next two items from the box. Two vogmasks, one dark grey and one black with a white skull and crossbones pattern. Beneath the masks were a couple of books and a magazine even though Severide was intending to set up Casey's isolation room with plenty of magazines, books and entertainment later on. He wanted it to be a second home for Casey because it was likely that he would have to stay there for a considerable time. There would have to be a very strict visiting list, only Severide so far, mostly because Casey had no one else, and the fewer people, the less the risk to him.

"Thought they'd make wearing a mask better, do you like them? They had loads of patterns but thought you'd prefer plain but when I saw the pirate one I couldn't help myself," Severide explained.

"We've got to go to a Halloween party this year," Casey commented, still looking down at the masks.

"What?"

"I'd be the perfect pirate," Casey smiled up at him.

Severide laughed at that, "You certainly would."

"Why don't pirates have legs?" Casey began with a frown. "Why is that a thing? How did so many of them lose legs? Oh it was a crocodile, wasn't it?" he was speaking quickly now, Severide could tell his nerves were kicking in with full force. "Well that was in Peter Pan… what about all the others? Were crocodile attacks really that common? Suppose it would depend where they were… where they were pirating…" he was scratching at the white tape securing the IV port now.

"Matt?" Severide broke his thoughts, he didn't have the heart to tell him that Captain Hook had both his legs.

"Uh huh?"

"You ok?"

"Not really…" Casey admitted, "I don't know if I can do this…"

"You've got this, you'll sail through it," he reassured him, gently taking his right hand to stop him loosening the tape over the IV port.

"I've got this?" Casey repeated.

"They've got this, they've done it so many times, you just have to lie there," he said.

"I don't want this to be my last moment," Casey spoke, distress in his eyes.

Severide leant forewords and kissed him on the lips. He pulled back, "It won't be."

A nurse had walked into the room, Severide's hand remained holding Casey's. "Time for pre-meds," she explained with a smile, "But first I just need to confirm everything with you…"

Once the surgical safety check was done the nurse injected a syringe into Casey's IV port.

"That's going to make you drowsy, but it's quite normal," she smiled kindly at Casey as she put the empty sharp into a box. "Helps with nerves," she said as she turned to face Severide, "And it's part of the anaesthetic process. They'll take him through in about forty-five but you won't be able to go any further than here I'm afraid."

"Right, sure, yeah," Severide responded.

She could detect his worry and tried to reassure him, "He's in the best hands..."

"I know, thanks," Severide gave a quick nervy smile as the nurse turned to leave the room.

All Severide's attention turned back to Casey as his eyes closed and his breathing became soft and calm. His left hand lightly held the purple plush kidney. Severide thought he was sleeping so he didn't speak, didn't want to disturb him. The forty-five minutes seemed to last forever and through it all Severide sat by Casey, clutching his hand, holding it between his own, pressing it to his lips, whispering under his breath. He was trying not to let his worries and nerves show, he didn't want Casey becoming agitated again although he thought that was unlikely with the drugs now running through his system.

It seemed as if hours had passed when the surgical orderly finally arrived to take Casey. Severide kissed his forehead as the orderly readied the gurney and so he could wheel Casey away. "I'll see you very soon, all right?" Severide smiled down at him.

"I love you… if something goes wrong…" Casey said softly, almost a whisper.

"Nothing's going to go wrong," Severide reassured him.

"If something goes wrong you…"

"Shh… I love you. Nothing's going to go wrong. I will you very soon. I promise."

"Ok," Casey murmured, eyes almost closed as the orderly pushed him through the double doors leading to the operating room. Severide was left standing alone, his heart hammering in his chest.  
  


* * *

 

Severide did nothing but pace up and down the corridor by the surgical waiting area until Shay turned up and stopped him in his tracks. "You're gonna wear a hole in the floor," she said to him, planting a kiss on his cheek. "Here, coffee," she said as she handed him a polystyrene cup.

"Thanks…" he muttered before taking a sip. A shot of caffeine was just what he needed right now.

"How long's he been in surgery?" she enquired.

"Not even an hour yet," he replied.

"You guys get any sleep last night?"

"Hardly," Severide responded. He sighed, "God… you should have seen him whilst he was waiting. Never seen him so nervous about anything before. I told him he'd sail through it, told him he'd be fine. I looked at the statistics, it's not a particularly risky surgery but it is for him."

"C'mon, let's go outside and get some fresh air," she suggested.

"I can't leave him."

"You're not leaving him," she replied, "And nothing you can do in here, he's going to be in there at least two more hours. Let's get some fresh air then we'll come straight back, all right?"

"All right," he conceded, some fresh air would be good.

Just over two hours later Casey's surgeon came into the waiting area and walked straight over to Severide and Shay, "He's in recovery, it went well, no complications."

Severide let out a breath of relief, "Oh thank God." He held a hand over his mouth, tears sprung into his eyes.  
  


* * *

 

"Matt…" he could hear a voice somewhere above him.

"Mmm…" he couldn't form any words yet.

"Matt open your eyes for me," the same voice commanded, still far away.

Slowly Casey managed to force his eyes to open, gradually realising that he must be somewhere within the hospital. The bright light hurt his eyes and he closed them again.

"Open your eyes for me Matt..."

He did as the voice instructed and he could just make out someone standing there over him.

"Do you remember me?" the voice asked.

He blinked to bring the shape over him into focus before responding. "Mmm…" he murmured.

"Do you know where you are?"

"Hos… hospital…"

"Good Matt, good. You're in the recovering room. The surgery went well. You did really good Matt. Once you've recovered from the anaesthetic you'll be moved to your room. Ok? Feeling all right, yeah?"

"Mmm…"

"Good. Kelly says he told you so and that he loves you."

Casey's lips turned upwards into a tiny smile. "I love..." he managed to mutter before his voice trailed off and he drifted off into sleep.  
  


* * *

 

Severide remained in the hospital overnight. Casey had been moved from the recovery room later that day but hadn't been any allowed visitors yet so Severide had posted himself outside of Casey's room. He'd woken a few times but was blissfully unaware of his surroundings and the post-operative pain. In the morning Severide happily donned a mask and gown before entering the room, the door was labelled heavily with isolation and fall warning signs.

Casey was awake and smiling tiredly. "Thought they were never gonna let me see you…" he spoke wearily as Severide entered, "You look ridiculous… look like a marshmallow…"

"A marshmallow. Wow. Thanks Matt," Severide grinned beneath the surgical mask as he sat down. "You look exhausted?" he frowned, concerned. He glanced up and down him, noting the tubing coming from under the covers, one clear, one a little bloody. There was sequential compression wrap on his left leg, and the remains of his right, to stop any blood clots forming. He wore a nasal cannula and Severide could see a mask just within his reach, and the usual monitoring equipment and IV lines.

"Kept waking me…"

"You're not in any pain?" he queried.

"Not really… I don't know…"

"You don't know?"

"Sore… tired… and I… I missed you…"

"I stayed and they wouldn't let me in," Severide told him.

"She said…" he replied, referring to the nurse who'd been on duty last night. He watched as Severide gazed at the monitors and spoke to him, "I think I'm ok, don't worry."

"I'm not worried," Severide smiled at him, "You kicked ass in that surgery."

"That's why I'm so tired then…" he slurred.

"Don't stay awake on my account baby."

"No… I don't want you to go…"

"I'm not going anywhere," Severide reassured him.

"They'll make you…" his voice cracked, "Sorry… it does hurt."

Severide looked up from Casey's distressed expression to discover they'd not set him up with a PCP pump so he pressed the call button and waited for the nurse to arrive, wearing the same attire he wore. He stood back whilst she made Casey more comfortable. Severide hoped they would set up a PCP pump soon because he knew how much Casey's pain varied on a day to day basis and they'd taken him off his usual painkillers, kept him on all his other medications, but they wanted control the amount of post-operative relief he received and so far it hadn't accounted for the usual pain he felt.

He sat back down by Casey's side once the nurse had left but now Casey was barely alert so he simply held his hand comfortingly. "You're doing well baby, you're doing well."  
  


* * *

 

That night whilst Casey lay awake and alone in the hospital bed Severide's caller ID lit up the screen on his phone, he smiled and accepted the FaceTime request, only he wasn't greeted by Severide, he was greeted by their two cats, making his smile grow even bigger despite the discomfort his side and back currently felt. Pumpkin looked thoroughly disinterested and Midnight was trying to paw at the screen.

"Hi Kel…" his throat still felt raw and his voice was barely audible so he cleared his throat and tried again. "Turn the camera around," he smiled tiredly, "I want to see you…"

"Hey baby," Severide greeted him, leaving the camera still focusing on the two cats, "These two successfully destroyed a shoe whilst I was out today."

"Not one of mine I hope…"

"You only need half a pair," Severide said in jest.

"No I do not…" he pouted.

"More often than not you only use one shoe," Severide teased, the phone now showing his smiling face.

"Not when I get out of here," he stated, determined even though he could feeling himself falling to sleep, "There'll be a lot less wheelchair using, lot more prosthetic wearing," he smiled.

"I like the sound of that," Severide beamed through the phone.

"Me too."

"So are you good?" Severide asked, "You needed any more painkillers since I left?"

"They gave me some more earlier when they did the other meds… oh I think we're gonna need a bigger medicine draw, bigger pill organiser…" he frowned as he thought.

"We'll get it all sorted, don't worry, they'll be changing some of them again soon anyway and you might not need some of the old ones," Severide explained.

"Oh yeah… least I don't have to work it out… my head still feels so mushy right now…"

"Your head's always mushy," Severide joked.

"Nope," he mouthed.

Severide just smiled, "Go to sleep baby, leave the phone on, I'll hang up when you're sleeping."

"Miss me?" he murmured tiredly.

"Bed's so empty without you," Severide told him.

"You calling me fat?" he teased wearily, remembering Severide's comment a few days ago.

"Go to sleep."

"Mmm…"  
  


* * *

 

Severide sat with Casey the next day, he'd taken some time off work because he knew his head was going to be in the right place for a few days whilst Casey recovered from the surgery. He was sitting as close as he could to Casey, leaning over the barrier and holding his phone in front so they could both see the screen. Casey was still experiencing some post-operative pain in his abdomen, he'd been given some morphine and Severide was currently distracting him with animal videos on YouTube. He was glad to see Casey smile and hear him laugh a little as he watched the screen.

"Oh sorry…" Severide said as an unknown number popped up on the screen. He stood up from the chair, "I'll go take this. Got a boat being picked up later."

Casey's eyes slipped closed as Severide left the room. He was still spending a lot of time asleep but he wasn't concerned about that. Visiting hours were currently limited to only a few hours a day and he didn't have the energy to concentrate on the TV or read anything yet. The surgery had really taken it out of him but that was no surprise given the state of his health, at least now his heart shouldn't deteriorate anymore.

Severide re-entered the room wearing a fresh mask and gown, he silently walked over to the bed and sat down in the chair. He was sure Casey wasn't quite asleep but he didn't want to disturb him so he just sat there and gazed at him for a while. He was right, Casey wasn't asleep, he'd opened his eyes and was looking up at him now, they didn't need to speak. Severide could only think how lucky he was to still have him in his life, that so far everything had gone well, no complications. And whilst looking lovingly into Casey's perfect eyes he knew he wasn't going to be able to, and didn't want to, keep anything hidden from him.

"It was your mom," Severide spoke softly.

Casey just frowned up at him. "You were on the phone with my mom?" he asked tiredly.

He shook his head, "It was your mom's kidney."

"What?" Casey questioned, still frowning, "Is… is she still here?"

"She left today," Severide replied, searching Casey's eyes for a clue as to how he felt.

After a few moments Casey spoke quietly, smiling, "She gave me her kidney."

Severide's face hardened, "It doesn't make her a good person Matt."

"Yes it does."

"Matt… she's not even seen you since. She didn't want you to know."

"She's gone?" he questioned.

"I think she's staying in a hotel and flying back in a few days," Severide explained.

"Flying back where?"

"New York," Severide replied.

"Never could picture her in New York… what is it?" he asked, he knew there was something else, something more that Severide hadn't said.

"She got married Matt…" Severide spoke.

"Married?" he repeated, "To who? Why would she…"

"I don't know, he seemed all right when I met him but it was only…"

"You met him? How do you meet him? Have you seen my mom?" he paused, "You did this, you did all of this, you found her? You did this…"

"You were dying Matt, I couldn't watch you die, I couldn't let you. I had to find her even if she was going to say no or wasn't a match, it wasn't fair that she just disappeared on you."

"She said yes straight away? She just got tested like that? I've not spoken to her in years."

"When she saw you she said yes," Severide told him.

"She's seen me?"

"Your last hospital stay, she didn't wait until woke. She didn't want me to tell you but well you have her kidney now so she can't exactly back out," he smiled.

"Do you think she'd see me now? But she didn't want to see me? Why didn't she want me to know? Why isn't she here?" Casey's voice cracked, his breaths had quickened and he was looking up at Severide with something that looked like desperation in his eyes. He recovered, inwardly berating himself for expressing such a childish need, "Sorry Kelly. It doesn't matter. And thank you. Thank you."

"I love you. Couldn't live without you, there was no way I wasn't going to let you get a kidney. No way."

"Don't know what I'd do without you," Casey wanted to take Severide's hand, wanted to grab him and kiss him, wanted to physically show him how much he meant to him but the barriers were up and he was tired and weak, barely able to move.

"You'd be fine without me, you're the…"

"No, don't say it, I proved otherwise remember? You're the one who makes me strong."

"I love you Matt."

"I know," he nodded, smiling through the tears that had come to his eyes, "And you know I love you, right? I love you so much, I really do."

"I know you do."


	32. Living

Three days after the surgery Casey's kidney still hadn't started producing urine but even with a live donor it can sometimes take a few days for the donated kidney to wake. Casey was showing no signs of rejection so the doctors were positive the transplant had been successful and weren't unduly worried. They'd had to give him one dialysis treatment but they were hopeful it would be the last one although he had been warned that dialysis may still be needed whilst the new kidney reached optimum function.

"You eating yet?" Severide questioned as he entered the hospital room, gowned and masked.

"Morning to you too," Casey spoke wearily to him.

"Are you?" Severide pressed him, looking up at the whiteboard facing Casey's bed. Goals for that day and the name of his nurses were written in large black capital letters.

"No," he admitted, "Why?"

"Just think you should be, feel sick? The side effects of the antirejection…"

"There's a very very long list of side effects. I don't feel sick, I just don't want anything yet, they said that's fine but tomorrow I should try something," he explained, trying to sit up a little in the bed but giving up after one attempt, instead he picked up the purple plush kidney and fiddled with it.

"All right," Severide accepted reluctantly and sat down.

"Just 'cause you look like a doctor in that marshmallow outfit doesn't mean you get to tell me when I should be eating," he grinned.

"No but I think being your boyfriend means I can," Severide pointed out.

"Maybe," he smiled and the let the plush kidney fall from his tired grip back onto the bed. "Got up after you left yesterday, walked, well, shuffled around the room a little."

"Good. You just need to eat and pee now then," Severide nodded.

"I hear that," the nurse said enthusiastically as she walked in. "How are you doing Matt?" she asked as she made her way to him holding a small tray of equipment, "Dressing change."

"You get to see my thirty-four staples," Casey told Severide as he pushed the bed cover down so the nurse had access to the front his gown.

Severide whistled under his breath, "Thirty-four? That's impress…"

Casey interrupted him. "Good thing you don't hate scars," he said quietly.

"Your scars just show how much overcome baby," Severide spoke, watching the nurse unfasten the front of Casey's hospital gown.

"I guess," he replied noncommittally as the nurse checked the drainage tube that had been left in after the surgery. It would be removed soon and the skin stitched back together.

The nurse gently peeled away the large white gauze that covered the incision on the lower right side of his abdomen. It was the first time Severide had seen it, it was bigger than he imagined it would be, the staples looked neat and the skin around them looked good, only a little redness. The staples would be removed in seven days' time. Until then the incision had to be kept dry and Casey would have to be given sponge baths in bed, although he had gotten up and out of bed they didn't want to risk him hurting himself alone in the shower and washing him in bed was easier than have someone help him in the bathroom. Casey didn't mind, he'd been expecting it, there was just some things he knew he couldn't do all the time and that was fine, it was all just part of the recovery process.

"Looking good, right?" Severide asked the nurse as she worked.

"Really good," the nurse replied, smiling underneath her mask. "Skin still uncomfortable?" she questioned Casey.

"Better now," he answered.

"Good."

The two of them were soon left alone again, it hadn't taken long for the nurse to clean the incision and redress it, and Severide readjusted Casey's bed covers and pillows, "How's that?"

"Be better when I can sit up," Casey said sadly. He wasn't having a good day and Severide could tell, he hadn't thought cabin fever would set in quite so soon but it already had, unless there was something playing on Casey's mind. If there was Casey wasn't going to talk. Severide knew him too well, knew that if he asked he wouldn't speak, Severide would just have to wait, he had a feeling that thoughts of his mom were rattling his mind.

In the meantime Severide decided to settle for distraction so he would try to take his mind off things. "How about a film?" he suggested.

Casey glanced at the large clock on the wall. "You'll have to leave soon," he said.

Severide just nodded, Casey was vulnerable right now, all his walls, his defences, were down. He was tired, sore and in pain and the future didn't consist of much else for the time being. "Normal visiting hours in a few days," he told him, hoping that would cheer him up a little, "And Matt, no one is worried about you, the isolation precautions, they're just that; precautions. And the kidney will kick in soon, I know it will."

"It will," Casey responded and his mood had not been lifted so Severide knew that wasn't the only thing playing on his mind. "Sorry," he spoke sensing Severide's own thoughts, "Not great company today."

"It's all right," Severide replied, "You're just tired, completely understandable."

"When am I not tired?" he smiled a little at that.

Severide sat back in his chair, smiling now he was satisfied that he'd made him feel a little better. "Matt…" he began a moment later, a mixture of surprise and happiness in his tone, "Your kidney's working!"

"What?" Casey frowned, not at all sure he'd heard Severide right.

Grinning Severide unhooked the catheter collection bag from the side of the bed and held it up, "You're peeing!"

He gazed the small amount of golden liquid that trickled into the bag. "I'm peeing…" he echoed. He sank happily into to pillows behind him, smiling, he'd immediately relaxed.

"If you'd asked me two years ago if I'd ever be excited to see piss in a bag I would have laughed in your face but this Matt, this is brilliant," Severide was still grinning madly as he replaced the bag back down on the side of the bed.

"Am I still supposed to be this tired?" he asked sadly, his mood had quickly deflated.

"It's gonna take some time to feel more like yourself, to feel better," Severide nodded.

"Yeah… I want to go back to work, I want to walk without crutches or that damn walker…"

"You will," Severide said reassuringly, "If that's what you want then I know you'll make it happen, but it's not going to happen right away, you know that."

"Sorry, I just want it to be for something, I need to do something…"

Severide stopped him, "It was for something, it was for living."  
  


* * *

 

Most of Casey's days passed by uneventfully. The isolation precautions were reduced and Severide was allowed to visit him for more than just a few hours a day and he was allowed a few more personal items. He wasn't allowed to leave his hospital room yet but he still felt exhausted and drained he wasn't sure he'd physically be able to anyway. The nasal cannula had been removed for his waking hours, he still wore it or the oxygen mask whilst he slept. The drainage tube had been removed, the catheter would have to remain whilst the stitches healed, and they needed to keep an eye on his urine output. They also didn't want him to injure himself by having to get out of bed so often for the bathroom because over time the bladder shrinks and so he would have to get up much more frequently than before. He was still taking most his medications intravenously.

Casey still hadn't gained much of an appetite although the doctor had told Severide, after he'd been cornered by him one morning, that he expected that would change soon. Casey was currently being given IV Thymoglobulin once daily as part of his antirejection induction therapy, which was causing him some minor joint and muscle pain which he'd first put down to his broken body but had been told otherwise. However he'd soon only be taking three oral medications as part the maintenance regime, prednisone, tacrolimus and mycophenolate mofetil. Because of the Thymoglobulin the oral medication was currently at a reduced level. When the induction period was over and he stopped taking the IV medications the immunosuppressants would be at high level until they could be gradually lessened as the risk of antirejection decreased. Once he started taking a heavy dosage of prednisone the doctor expected that Casey's appetite would increase during the first few months. Casey would have to take the immunosuppressants for the rest of his life. Severide already knew about the appetite increase that the doctor had talked of, and with that came the possible weight gain. He had read up on the side effects of each drug that Casey would take, he had always done that and had gathered that prednisone was an unpleasant drug, especially in higher doses. Although it wouldn't harm Casey to gain some weight since it had fluctuated from being borderline underweight to underweight over the last few months.

"Hey Matt," Shelley greeted him when she entered his room one afternoon, masked and gowned just like everyone else who entered.

"Didn't recognise you for a moment then," he smiled at the kind nurse who had looked after him for so long now in the dialysis unit.

"Just thought I'd check in with you and your new kidney now there's no bright yellow tape across your door," she teased, smiling behind the mask she wore. "I like the kidney," she nodded towards the plush toy that lay by his pillows.

"Everyone is being very cautious…" his smile fell, "Kel got sent home, they think he's coming down with a cold."

"You could FaceTime him?" she suggested.

"Already have, he does most nights anyway," he replied.

She glanced down at the side of the bed, "Function level's good? Or does Thomson want you on dialysis still?"

"He came by yesterday, everything looks good, thinks I should be done with dialysis… finally," he smiled, "Not that I didn't enjoy I spent up nephrology with you everyone."

"Yeah they all say that," she laughed. "I'm glad it's all worked out for you Matt."

Casey was soon left to his own devices again. His back ached from lying supine for so long but he found it difficult to get comfortable on his left hand side, the staples would pull at his tender skin and his stomach ached. It pained him so much sometimes that he wanted to curl up to try and stem the cramps he felt, it felt like a knife was being plunged into his gut and twisted. Another side effect of his new medications he'd been informed when he'd mention the pains during rounds that morning. It was vital that Casey told everyone how his body was feeling so they didn't miss any early warning signs of organ rejection. All the talk about rejection worried Casey, he didn't want to have gone through all of this for it to fail, didn't want everything to have all been for nothing, wasted. Every so often he spotted blood in the catheter bag when the nurses came by to change it but he was reassured that everything was well.  
  


* * *

 

A week and a half had passed since the transplant surgery and Casey's body was slowly recovering, he was getting out of bed without assistance most of the time, his body still had its bad days just like before, the new kidney wasn't going to miraculously cure him of all his ills. It wasn't going to fix his damaged pelvis, mend the nerves or fix the damage done to his left leg but it would stop his heart from deteriorating much more, it would solve his chronic anaemia and he'd no longer have to be on such a restricted diet. He was no longer being given IV Thymoglobulin and his oral medications had been increased, the stomach cramps had become more frequent and the position the bed and his numerous pillows and foam wedges to help comfort the pains he felt.

"Morning honey," the day nurse greeted cheerfully a little after 7am. Casey had been awake since 4am when a nightmare had disturbed him and he couldn't rest easy again afterwards.

"Morning," he muttered back, he was lying on his back at a slight angle, legs and right hand side propped up by pillows thanks to the night nurse who'd help him a few hours previously.

"Stomach?" she asked while she checked over his lines and monitors, making notes on the electronic chart as she went along.

Casey just nodded, not in the mood for talking, he simply wanted to be left alone to sleep if he could overcome his pain.

"I'll try to persuade the doctor to increase your anti-inflammatory dose, that should help with the pain," she told him.

"Sure, thanks," he responded to her kindness.

"How about sitting in the chair? I can help you up and we can see if that helps?" she volunteered.

"It won't."

"You're not gonna attempt breakfast today, are you?"

"Probably not."

"You really…"

"Just want to sleep."

The nurse finished up and left Casey to it. She pulled off mask and gone once she'd exited the room, washed her hands and went to her next patient.

Casey found it impossible to sleep. One of the few times he wished he could while away the hours blissfully ignorant to the world around him and he couldn't, at least he supposed that meant he was finally recovering from the surgery, and maybe even his body was recovering from the anaemia and perhaps his heart even felt better for the new organ in his body because he had spent a lot of his time in the last few months sleeping.

He eyed his phone, Severide had called him earlier on but Casey's need to see him was overwhelming him and it wasn't even 10am. He suddenly hated being so reliant on him, so needy, so attached. He pulled his eyes away from the phone screen and gazed around the hospital room. Now that he was awake he really was fed up of the fall walls around him but even if he was given permission to leave what would he do? Walk up and down the dreary corridor with his IV stand and the catheter bag strapped to his left leg and someone by his side because of his fall risk. The day was becoming unbearable. He knew he shouldn't complain but right now he was lonely and he could feel the beginning of pains in his stomach. He cast his eyes down again and noticed his left hand shaking, his fingers were rigid and he couldn't move them. It was over in a matter of seconds and he let out a breath of relief. It had happened before, at first he thought he'd have seizure and that had scared him but he hadn't so he'd said nothing.

Casey must have fallen asleep eventually because the next thing he heard a very familiar voice say loudly in close proximity to his bedside, "Surprise!"

His eyes flicked open, "Kelly?"

"Thought you'd be happy to see me, you just look mildly confused," Severide grinned beneath his mask.

"I am happy," Casey smiled, "I just didn't expect to see you."

"That's why it's a surprise."

"They cleared you then?"

Severide nodded as he sat down, "Nurse said you didn't eat this morning? Doc says it;s all side effects? Your stomach?"

"Yeah I guess," he replied, unable to hide his feelings from his tone.

"What's wrong?"

"Sorry," Casey began, "I really would just like to spend more than hour not talking about my health or how I'm feeling."

"Yeah of course, sorry, I just…"

"Gone into protective mode," Casey smiled a little at that.

"Yeah you could put it like that," he nodded, he felt like apologising for it now.

Casey shook his head, "You care and that's amazing. No one's ever cared as much as you, not even close. I'm being ungrateful I know."

"No. If I were you I'd be fed up of it all too," Severide replied. "So Thanksgiving?"

"Well I'll be here, you're not on shift, are you?"

"No so I just thought I'd bring Thanksgiving here," Severide smiled.

"Not allowed anything that's prepared here," he pointed out.

"Oh yeah of course," Severide said in realisation, "Well I'll still spend the day with you."

"Go to your dad's, he usually do something," he suggested.

"Matt…"

"I'm sorry Kelly," he sighed, "I should be happy to see you, I am happy to see you."

"You've been stuck in this room for over a week,"

Casey turned to him quickly, "I can do this, right? Things are going to get better? I'm not going to be so useless, am I?"

"You've never been useless but I get why you feel like that," Severide spoke understandingly.

Casey shook his head, "There's no point in wishing that my body wasn't so broken, and I don't want to be that sort of person, I don't want all of this to have made me… to have made me bitter and angry… I don't want it to have changed me… I miss it Kelly. I miss it so much." Severide felt his throat tighten as Casey went on, "There was always, always that possibility of something going wrong and not being to work again, we've seen it more than enough to know that, and I always tried to think that I'd be ok with that, I was lying to myself, I could never have been ok with all of this. But here I am, hospital stay number… I don't even know… I was trying to be ok with it. I am ok with it… but at the same time I'm not."

For a few silent moments, Severide was lost for words, unsure what he could say that would ease the anguish that Casey was still clearly feeling.

"Sorry for losing it on you. I am fine," Casey continued.

"You're not but that's ok. You are getting healthier and you're gonna start feeling better and when you start feeling better you're gonna get to be more active, you can get fitter, work on your legs again. You know why I know this?" Severide picked up Casey's hand in his own gloved hands, "Because you are you and I've got your back forever and always."

"I am already feeling better, well, not feeling so exhausted."

Severide smiled at that, "And it's not even been two weeks… now, there's something else isn't there?"

"What?"

"There's something else on your mind, I know there is," Severide pressed.

"Do you read minds now Kelly Severide?" he smiled before he unconsciously dropped eye contact.

"I'll keep pestering you until you tell me," Severide insisted with a boyish expression on his face.

Casey just looked down at his hands. "My hands keep shaking," he admitted, "My left one earlier, couldn't even make a fist, couldn't stop it."

"Told them?"

"Not yet."

"Ok well that's something we need to bring up next time the nurse pops in, yeah?"

"Yeah." He sighed, "How many side effects am I gonna get? Did pretty well with all the other meds didn't? Oh…" he paused, "Other than that one seizure…"

"The side effects are gonna lessen," Severide attempted to reassure him, "Just gotta give it some time but you'll get through it, if not there may be alternatives."

Casey nodded, clearly not convinced by what Severide was saying. He sighed again, "Yeah… Wanna watch a movie or something?"

"Sure, what have we got?"  
  


* * *

 

One afternoon a few days later Severide's phone pinged and he looked down at it. "Your mom's outside," he announced softly.

Casey's weary face was stunned, "Thought she was flying… home?"

"She caught up with some old friends, saw your sister, she staying for Thanksgiving then leaving," Severide explained.

"And now she's come to see me? You asked her to?" he was still shocked by Severide's revelation.

"I did but I'm against this, I just want you to know that I'm not sure this is a good idea," Severide told him.

"Then when did you ask her?"

"I don't want her to upset you but I know you'd want to the opportunity to see her so I called her last week and well, she's outside, I can tell her to leave? If not then she's gonna be walking in here in a few minutes. What do you want baby?"

"I don't know," he said quietly, his face conflicted.

"You do," Severide replied, "You want to see her." He knew that deep down Casey would want to see his mom despite everything and that's why he had called her in the first place.

He nodded.

"Ok then."

They didn't have long to wait before the door opened and Nancy Casey came in gloved, gowned and masked. "Oh my darling, just look at you... how are you doing now..." she said as she walked over to her son's bedside.

Severide turned, giving Casey a reassuring smile. "I'll leave you two to it," he said as he headed out of the room.

He heard Casey greet his mom then nothing more as the door slid closed behind him. He waited in the corridor for the fifteen minutes it took for the door to open and Casey's mom to come out. She peeled off her mask, gown and gloves, placed a hand on Severide's shoulder and simply said, "Bye Kelly," before she disappeared.

Severide quickly dressed in anew gown, threw on a mask and pair of gloves and entered the hospital room again. "Are you ok?" he asked Casey gently.

Casey just nodded.

"Are you sure?"

"I'm sure."  
  


* * *

 

Severide wasn't the only person who couldn't resist Casey's charms. The nurse finally removed his catheter after much smiling and his best puppy dog eyes, insisting that he really just wanted to pee in a toilet for the first time in almost two years. He'd broken her down almost immediately and she'd asked the doctor for permission to remove the offending tube. The biggest problem was that he was still exhausted and weak from the surgery although some time had passed, his left leg was also unstable even with the brace but Casey was adamant that he wanted rid of the thing and he was adamant he wasn't going to do anything other than use a toilet again.

"Kel?" he murmured, looking over wearily at Severide.

Severide put down his magazine and sat up straighter, "Ok?"

"Help me up?" he asked, "Please."

Severide just smiled and helped Casey sit up in the bed.

"Bathroom."

"Matt I don't think…"

"Please," he just said, "You can help, please."

Severide sighed, realising he wouldn't win this one, "Sure." He passed Casey his crutches and helped him carefully to his feet. Slowly they made their way to the ensuite bathroom. "Ok?" he questioned because Casey looked like he wasn't going to be able to keep himself upright, "Why don't you sit?"

"Just hold me," Casey said with determination.

"Matt I really…"

"Can you… can you pull my boxers down please?"

Severide smiled at him, "Stop asking, I'll do everything ok, I don't want you falling over just 'cause you want to take a piss, ok?"

"Thanks…"

Whilst Casey concentrated on remained upright Severide slipped his boxers down, he flicked up the toilet seat and gently took hold of Casey's member. When the sound of urine hitting the bowl stopped Severide smiled at him, face close to his, "Satisfying?"

"You'd not believe how amazing that is," he smiled back as Severide pulled his boxers back up and sorted him out.

"Yeah, well, I'm not helping you use the toilet for the rest of your life, you're the kinky one, not me."

"If you say so…" Casey grinned tiredly back at him.  
  


* * *

 

Thanksgiving came and went but neither Casey or Severide paid it much attention. Casey's hand tremors had increased. His stomach still pained him every so often. His muscles and joints still ached but Ty had been to see him and started an exercise regime that would help. Casey was delighted to see a familiar among all the strangers that seemed to be looking after him now. Casey was now allowed out of his room to walk around the corridor which he did a couple of times a day wearing one of the masks Severide had bought for him. He was certain Severide was going to insist he wore them whenever he left the house once he was finally discharged. It was heartening how much the man cared. Adorable even.

Casey was sitting upright on the bed, hair freshly washed, his face covered in shaving foam. They'd pushed the barrier down so Severide was perched next to him on his right. "Pass me the razor," he smiled at Severide.

"Sure," Severide picked up the implement and handed it to Casey. The nurses had taken care of it the last two weeks and now Casey was determined to shave himself.

Severide grinned as held up the mirror above the bowl of warm water on the swing table over Casey's lap. "Mirror mirror on the wall who's the…" he began teasingly.

"Stop it, don't make me life," Casey tried to concentrate on using the razor, tilting his face upward, sweeping the sharp blade across his flesh. For a while he managed fine but then his right hand started to tremble and he swore as the razor fell from his rigid fingers.

"Matt…" Severide started, worried by the sight of blood on Casey's jawline. He quickly put the mirror down on the table.

"I'm fine," he said almost immediately, looking almost disapprovingly down at his right hand, the tremor had quickly stopped. He shook his head, "Just a nick, I'm fine." But he could feel blood trickling down his neck.

"Here…" Severide reached over with a small piece of tissue and dabbed gently at the cut on his jawline. "I should have thought… this was a bad idea," Severide sighed.

Casey took the tissue from Severide and pulled it away from his face, "It was my idea and it wasn't a bad idea."

"Matt it's still bleeding."

"Oh," he held it back to his jaw and pressed down.

"Your blood won't be clotting as quickly as normal 'cause of the meds," Severide explained. Casey was still being heparin because of the risk of blood clots forming in his legs because he was still less active than they'd like at this point post-surgery but it had been expected so no one was overly concerned.

Casey just gazed at him for a few moments, an unreadable expression on his face.

"What?" Severide prompted.

"What d'ya do? Study every single thing the doctor mentions?" he paused, checking Severide's reaction, "You do, don't you?" he smiled, "What did I ever do to deserve you."

Severide gave a small smile and shrugged slightly. He could say it was because Casey was perfect, that he never for one moment thought he would end up with someone as good, strong, protective, selfless, kind, and smart as Casey, and in all honesty, Severide didn't think he'd ever know what he'd done to deserve the person by his side.

"Ok baby," he said, retrieving the razor, "Sit back. I'll finish up..."  
  


* * *

 

Casey was finally discharged almost a week after Thanksgiving. He was smiling as the doctor sighed his discharge papers and explaining some aftercare instructions, although the nurses had already been very helpful on that front. In about six weeks' time Casey would have to go back in for a short procedure to have the ureteral stent removed under local anaesthetic but other than his regular check-ups for bloods and general health checks his hospital visits had been drastically reduced.

"Do you have any questions?" the doctor asked, "Anything you else you want to know?"

"Nothing," Casey responded with a shake of his head.

"Erm…" Severide spoke up, he was stood by Casey's bed having already made a trip to and from the car with some of Casey's things. Both Casey and the doctor looked at him as he spoke, "What about sexual activities? I mean, I wasn't even allowed to kiss him for two weeks."

Casey smiled, typical of Severide to ask that. The doctor was quite matter of fact about things when he spoke, "Can be resumed as usual, just be careful."

"Brilliant," Severide grinned. He turned to Casey, "We better get going then."

Casey laughed at that. He laughed until his incision started to hurt and he had to hold his side and try to stop.

"Oh… no… " Severide's face coloured up in embarrassment, "No… we're not going to…" But he just stopped, realising he was digging himself into a hole.

The doctor just smiled and shook hands with the two of them, taking his leave, "I'll see you in a few weeks Matt."


	33. Out of Character

Casey had been home from the hospital for a week. The day before he had been discharged Severide had bought a new mattress and hypoallergenic bedding, worried about all the bacteria and germs that could have been in their old one, after giving the almost every square inch of the apartment a thorough cleaning. During that first week back home Casey spent a lot of his time in bed or on the couch, but he'd done that before the surgery too, he didn't feel unwell though he was simply just tired. Since he hadn't been confined to the hospital bed the joint and muscle aches had lessened but he was still taking quite a lot of pain relief and probably always would because of the permanent damage to his legs and pelvis. He was still experiencing random hand tremors but he was dealing very well with everything, of course no one had suspected he wouldn't, especially Severide.

Severide had been standing admiring Casey until he couldn't hold back any longer so he stepped into the bedroom. Casey had been aware of his presence as he'd put on his prosthetic and walked to the dresser. He could hear Severide's breathing and light footsteps as he walked up behind him. Casey was only wearing his boxers when he felt Severide's hand brush across his back, gently caressing his skin. He let go of the dresser, knowing Severide would support him if he faltered. Severide touched his hip softly and smoothed his hand over Casey's chest and stomach until it disappeared inside his boxers, touching the flesh around his lower abdomen before slipping back out again.

Casey had made a sigh of pleasure but then in realisation quickly turned to face Severide exclaiming, "Oh my God, you're checking my incision!"

"Maybe," Severide answered with a cheeky smile.

"Stop," Casey laughed as he moved back, leaning on the edge of the dresser.

Severide's hand fell back, "What? Why?"

"Well I don't wanna get hard next time some doctor or nurse checks it…"

"You won't," Severide sniggered.

"Let me just get dressed."

"Let me help."

"You helping will add another twenty minutes," Casey pointed out.

"Twenty?" Severide feigned shock.

"Ten?" he conceded, grinning.

"What are you doing anyway? You're not going out?"

"We're getting groceries," he replied.

"No," Severide shook his head, "I'm getting groceries."

"Why can't I come?" Casey frowned, pulling a face when he realised what Severide meant, "Kelly you're not allowed to ban me from leaving the house."

"Maybe just wait another week," Severide suggested.

Casey stepped closer and smiled. "You just don't want to share me," he teased. "I'm not going to die on you. I promise. You're stuck with me for a long time yet."

"You promise?"

"I promise," Casey answered, leaning in and planting a soft kiss on Severide's lips. "Help me get dressed then," he said with a sparkle in his eyes.

"Oh I'll help you get dressed," Severide said as he stepped up to Casey. He guided him over to their bed, first sitting him down, then he placed a palm against Casey's chest and pushed him gently so he was lying on his back.

Casey was looking up at Severide, his eyes wide, pupils dilated, a tiny smile on his lips. His breaths became faster and he could feel his heart pounding as a rush of warmth and blood raced to his groin. Severide deftly removed his boxers and he smiled, "Don't break my leg."

"Don't ruin the moment," Severide teased, quickly taking off Casey's prosthetic. They had tried sex with it on but it hadn't gone well and neither of them wanted to bring up the incident again. Severide leant over and took a couple of items from nightstand drawer. He could feel himself growing hard as his eyes remained on Casey.

He tore open the foil packet and tipped a little lube into the condom before rolling it onto himself, then put a little more lube on it, and on his fingers. Severide positioned himself and lifted Casey's hips so he was comfortable.

"Ok baby?" Severide asked with a husky voice.

"Uh huh…"

"You gotta tell me if it hurts, all right?"

"Yes Kelly," Casey smiled up at him with lust filled eyes.

Severide inserted one finger easily, drawing a sharp inward breath of pleasure from Casey, then a second finger and a third, making him tremble. "Ready?" Severide whispered. Even now he couldn't help but worry about Casey.

"Yeah..." he breathed.

With one swift but gentle thrust he entered Casey, finding a comfortable rhythm for them both. Soon he could feel himself approaching his own climax, he tried to hold off so Casey would come at the same time. They kept up the gentle rocking motion for a while

Casey was meeting Severides small gentle movements half way. "Harder…" he was breathing heavily now, his perfect kissable lips were parted, there was a thin sheen of sweat over his pale skin. His hands gripped Severide's hips as he moved.

"Matt…"

"Harder…"

Severide's thrusts grew bigger. He moaned with pleasure as Severide hit the right spot and he was seeing stars. They reached ecstasy simultaneously. Casey's grip on Severide's hips tightened as they moaned each other's names. After the huge intensity of euphoria Severide pulled back, his softening member slipped out of Casey. Both of them were drowsy with the flood of hormones racing through their bodies.

"Ok?" Severide whispered, his lips just a few millimetres from Casey's now.

Casey just smiled sleepily, pulling Severide closer and softly kissing his lips. After a few moments he spoke, "Maybe we should go out later?"

"Sounds good…" he paused, concern had washed over him, "Did I hurt you?"

"No," Casey said softly, reassuring him. "I'm not as fragile as you think," he grinned.

* * *

 

Severide was very protective of Casey, always had been even though he'd never needed protecting, and Casey wouldn't have been surprised if he had tackled anyone that so much as sneezed near him. Their progress around the store was laboriously slow, with Severide pushing the shopping cart and Casey holding the list as he moved along the aisles on his two crutches. He'd not even been for a short walk around their block since his surgery. Severide had been determined to keep him isolated and away from any risks of infection. He was wearing one the of vogmasks Severide had bought, he'd been impressed that Severide hadn't made him wear it at 24/7 but he hadn't even been able to walk to the elevator without it firmly in place.

Casey was studying the back of a packet of food. Severide stood watching him for a moment before he spoke, "Matt, you know you can eat anything now, right?"

"Huh?" he turned, Casey turned his head, replacing the packet on the shelf and taking a proper hold of his crutches again. "Yeah, yeah I know. Great, right?" he smiled but Severide could tell it was forced, he said nothing and they moved down the aisle together. Casey glanced over at him, "We need cat litter, forgot to put it down on the list."

"Those two think they rule the apartment since you were gone," Severide smiled ruefully.

"Think they always have but you got soft with them," Casey smiled.

"Maybe," he shrugged, "You've always been soft with them though."

"You let them sleep with you," Casey said, grinning beneath the mask.

"Maybe," Severide replied, he looked like a kid who had been caught with his hand in the cookie jar.

"You did," Casey nodded.

"Yeah, well, I got lonely, ok?"

"Kelly…"

"Uh huh?" Severide turned. They both stopped now, in the middle of the aisle, then moving to one side to let some other shoppers pass. "What's wrong?" Severide said softly. He could see how exhausted Casey looked and his obvious physical discomfort as he stood leaning heavily on both his crutches.

"Nothing," Casey shook his head, "Just wanted to say thanks for everything you do for me, I know it can't have been easy whist I was stuck in the hospital again."

Severide just smiled, his heart full of love for the person right in front of him. "C'mon let's get that cat litter and get home."

In the car on their way home Severide glanced over at Casey, "Exhausted?"

Casey nodded, "Yeah. That obvious?" He looked out of the side window and sighed, "Maybe I should just leave the shopping to you next time."

"You're gonna be tired Matt," Severide spoke.

"You were probably right, I should just have stayed at home."

"No," Severide shook his head, "I was wrong, I can't keep you locked up no matter how much I want to shield…"

"Shield me from the world?" he smiled, "Too late."

* * *

 

Thick snow and ice was covering the city, making picture postcard scenes but creating chaos and misery, disrupting traffic, causing accidents to motorists and pedestrians. Severide drummed his fingers against the squad rig door as Tony attempted to negotiate the heavy traffic during the early morning rush hour, frustrated by the slow ups and delays. They eventually arrived at the scene, a construction site, a few minutes after Boden, Truck 81 and Ambulance 61. Severide jumped out of the rig's cab and strode up to Boden, who was already walking towards him, a grim expression on his face.

"Kelly, I'm taking charge on this one," he halted Severide in his tracks, having already decided that it was better for him to oversee the rescue despite Severide's expertise. "No arguments."

He indicated Severide should follow him to the site. They could hear the victim before they had eyes on him. Shay shot a look back at Severide then shook her head at Boden. Right at that moment Severide knew they needed a trauma surgeon and he stepped back away from the scene even though he could still hear the victim's cries.

Boden's deep voice broke into his thoughts, and he was grateful for that. He didn't want to think about what had happened to Casey all those long months ago. "Severide get your crew back to the house, nothing you can do here."

"What?" he turned to face him, "No, Chief, it's fine, we can stay and…"

"Truck can clear up, I want you back at the house for shift change," Boden insisted.

Severide had no energy to object anymore, he simply nodded but Boden was already walking away. His heart was in his throat as he noticed the trauma surgeon heading towards the scene, he couldn't get his own legs to work, he stood rooted to the spot, a myriad of thoughts rushing around his head and he couldn't get the sound of Casey's cries from his mind, couldn't get the image of him trapped in what they thought would be his concrete tomb.

"Lieutenant?" a voice suddenly said. Severide swallowed, turning towards the sound, finding Tony standing by him, "You ok, Lieutenant?"

"Let's go."

* * *

 

Severide didn't see much of Casey that day. Casey had slept for most of it having spent the night wide awake unable to sleep. His body pained him. His left leg and stomach cramped. Phantom crushing pains wrecked at his right leg leaving him breathless and fearful of the bed covers that had been suffocating him. By the time Severide had arrived home late from his shift he'd found Casey asleep, a bottle of painkillers left open on the nightstand next to a glass of water that had been knocked over. The cats were asleep on the bed, Pumpkin curled on top of Severide's pillow and Midnight lay sprawled out below Casey's left foot. The bed covers were on the floor. Severide knew what had happened so he left the room quietly. He wanted Casey, he wanted to talk to him after the shift he'd had but he also wanted Casey to be comfortable and pain free and it looked as though he'd only recently found that so Severide slipped the oxygen mask over his face and left him in peace, instead taking his own frustrations and emotions out pounding the sidewalk as he went for a run.

Severide said nothing to Casey about being in bed all day, it happened, and it was very much his way of recovering from a bad night, recovering from the injuries and trauma of the past couple of years. Severide had only woken him so he could take his meds and to eat and drink. Then he had watched a couple of ice hockey games on TV before he finally went to bed himself, waking Casey only briefly as he shooed the cats off and got in. Casey turned over, pulled off the oxygen mask, examining Severide's face.

"You ok baby?" Severide queried softly.

"Was gonna ask you the same thing. What's wrong?"

"I'm sorry you're in pain all the time."

Casey smiled. "I'm not in pain all the time," he reassured Severide.

"Good."

"Has something happened? The reason your shift overran?"

Severide shook his head. "You happened," he smiled.

"I hope that's a good thing."

"A very good thing," Severide ran his hand up Casey's bare arm, letting his fingers play gently against the smooth soft muscle.

"Are you going to the boat yard tomorrow?" Casey asked.

"I can do."

"You can do?" he frowned.

"Well I don't need to go but if you want the place to yourself…" Severide explained.

"I don't want the place to myself! I want to come with you," he smiled.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah," he nodded, "I wanna do something productive."

"All right then, you can give me a hand."

"Good. Night Kel."

* * *

 

The next day they spent the afternoon at the boatyard after having lunch together at a small diner by their apartment block. That evening Severide watched as Casey twirled some spaghetti in his fork, a distracted expression on his face, He wound some strands around the fork then let it slip back into the dish, repeating the action over and over as he done for the last few minutes.

"Not hungry?" Severide finally asked between mouthfuls of bolognese.

Casey looked up as Severide's voice broke into his reverie, "I've just eaten a lot today."

"Yeah," Severide nodded, smiling at the thought, "You've finally got a good appetite back because you're not so sick."

"Yeah…" came Casey's low key response.

"You do feel sick?" he questioned, worried now.

"No, no I feel really good."

Severide's brow creased into a frown as he looked quizzically at Casey.

"I just really shouldn't be eating this much all in one go." He was still toying at his food and still hadn't eaten much more than a few bites.

"Oh ok, well I can save it for another time," Severide said, taking another mouthful of food.

"It's all right, I'll do it," he stood up from the table and took his plate. Severide's gaze followed him and he saw from the corner of his eye as Casey tipped the almost full plate of spaghetti into the trash. Severide was about call him out for it but decided to say nothing when Casey returned to the table. He knew how to choose his battles with Casey and this one was better left.

* * *

 

Shay opened her apartment door and greeted Casey and Severide with a huge grin, pulling it wider so Casey could wheel himself in. Once she had closed it behind them she gave each of them a quick hug and laughed as Casey spoke. "Right, have I got permission to take it off now?" he teased Severide, his eyes sparkling as he smiled behind his mask.

"Sure," Severide replied, narrowing his eyes at Casey. He knew how strict he was being with the matter but he also knew that Casey understood where he was coming from so he wouldn't object.

"I see who's in charge of this relationship," Shay commented in jest as Casey slipped off the vogmask. "What do you guys wanna drink? Beer?"

"Please," Severide replied.

"Just water for me..." Casey told her.

"Are you driving yet Matt?"

"No, about five months to go but I don't want a beer anyway thanks," Casey explained as he moved himself from the wheelchair onto Shay's couch and sinking back onto the comfortable cushion.

Severide followed Shay into the kitchen area. "How's he doing Kelly? Really?" Shay asked as she opened the bottled water cap and poured it into a glass.

"Think he's ok," Severide replied, concentrating on the coffee pot in front of him on the counter.

Shay looked up at him. "You think?" she quizzed.

He shrugged. "Bad pain day, and his right leg's a bit sore, the sockets a bit big and he's using another… the details don't matter," he spoke. "He really has been feeling much better. It's surprising actually how much better he has been, well, maybe not surprising to you," he added, referring to her status as a paramedic.

"Hey, I'm no kidney expert," she smiled, "I'm glad he's…"

Suddenly Casey's voice floated through into the kitchen, "Are you guys done talkin' about me yet?"

They both laughed. "You want something to…" Severide shook his head as Shay continued, "… eat Matt?" she frowned at Severide.

"Nah I'm good so you two gossiping about me," Casey spoke back.

Shay shot a questioning look at Severide as they left the kitchen, wondering why he was shaking his head at her for asking Casey if he wanted anything to eat, especially since he had just told her that Casey was much better.

Shay passed Casey the water, letting Severide sit next to him and settling herself on the plush chair opposite them. They spent the afternoon chatting, catching up and watching TV. Severide didn't miss the way Casey kept glancing at phone constantly. He hadn't intentionally eavesdropped but he had heard Casey leaving a voicemail for his mom, asking what her Christmas plans were, and as far as Severide was aware he'd not heard back yet.

It was late when they arrived back from Shay's and Casey went straight off to bed after taking all his medication. Not long afterwards Severide joined him but woke in the early hours of the morning in an empty room, not unusual at the moment with Casey's sleeping pattern being so erratic. Usually he'd leave Casey to it but it was happening with far too much regularity at the moment so he pushed back the bed covers and made his way past their two sleeping cats into the lounge area. Casey was sitting on the couch, his crutches were balanced on the armrest. The lights were shining brightly, Severide lowered them before he went over to the couch, his eyes still hadn't adjusted from their dimly lit room, he didn't think Casey would ever be able to sleep in the dark again but that was fine, he didn't mind one bit if that's what they needed to do to help him cope with his PTSD.

"Hey baby," he spoke softly as he approached, he didn't want to startle Casey.

"Hey," Casey turned his head and watched Severide as he sat next to him.

"How long have you been up?"

"Don't know," he shook his head. "I'm ok though," he reassured Severide, "Didn't have a nightmare, not in pain. Don't worry. You should go back to bed."

"Don't you have some sleeping pills left from…" Severide trailed off and sighed, "I saw them in your house back when… well you know when..."

Casey just shrugged, "They weren't a secret."

"No but…"

"I didn't expressly tell you about them?" Casey smiled wryly, "Them and the painkillers used to be pretty good at knocking me out."

"You do need to sleep," Severide nodded.

"I also need my wits about me," he said.

"Yeah?"

"No?" Casey smiled.

"I'll look after you," Severide answered.

Casey shook his head, "Let's not overdose on meds no matter how crappy I feel."

"You're sure?"

"No," he laughed.

"How about just a couple more…"

"A couple more nothing. It'll be morning soon," Casey glanced at the clock on the wall.

"And how long are the next few hours gonna last when you feel like this?"

"I'll sleep soon, don't worry. Go back to bed. Please."

* * *

 

A few days later Severide stopped as he passed the bathroom door, back stepping as he caught sight of Casey through the small opening. He was standing sideways, holding one hand flat across his bare stomach. "You all right baby?" Severide questioned, pushing the door a little further open. Casey's eyes widened and he looked like a doe caught in the headlights. "You ok? What are you doing?" he spoke again.

"Do you think I look bigger?" Casey asked quietly.

Severide laughed at that, "What d'you mean?"

"You know what I mean," he said.

"Well I think you're looking better, not quite so… not quite so gaunt…" Severide trailed off, this really wasn't his area of expertise, "Matt you…"

Casey just ignored him and looked back at his own reflection in the bathroom mirror. "As if I wasn't ugly enough?! You'll leave me, I don't know why you stay with me."

"Matt most of your clothes are still hanging off you and I don't care if the drugs that are keeping your body from rejecting the kidney, the kidney that's made you feel better than you have for such a long time, make you fat, I don't care, you'd never be ugly." He laughed again, trying to cheer Casey up, "And I never thought you were so vain!" he teased with a wide grin.

But Casey didn't laugh, he didn't even crack a smile.

"Are you really being serious about this?" Severide shook his head, hardly able to believe Casey's reaction, "I don't know what to say."

"Well you could try believing me and not laughing at me," Casey replied with a hint of spite in his tone.

"You're not gonna get fat if you keep throwing away your food and barely eating anything," he said, "Matt, you're smarter than all of this. You really don't need to worry about getting fat because you look the same to me and I wouldn't give a damn if you did…"

"Yes you would. You've never been with anyone who looked less than perfect and here I am covered in scars and…"

"Matt just stop!" he exclaimed, "I am not going to leave you, you're an idiot if you think I would… ok maybe not an idiot just someone with an awful lot of trust issues. And actually whilst we're on the subject of your issues… try and forget about your mom, stop checking your phone constantly."

"What?"

"I know you called her to see what her plans were Christmas were, I know you suggested going to see her or inviting her to stay here, she's not replied has she?"

Casey shook his head, dismayed.

"Did she say anything at the hospital?" Severide asked, he'd not brought it up since.

"Not really."

"Want to elaborate?"

"She just… she does thing where she answers you but doesn't actually answer the question," Casey shrugged.

"What did you ask her?" he questioned, curiously

"It doesn't matter."

"It mattered enough for you ask," Severide pointed out.

He shrugged again. "I just wanted to understand, understand everything. I love her… but I hate her… I can't hate her though. She's my mom. I just… I just never made a worthy son, did I? I mean, look at me…" he trailed off, looking down away from Severide's piercing eyes.

"You are a worthy son. You are a worthy person. And you are loved," Severide reassured him.

He looked up at Severide, seeing that he meant every word he was saying. "So are you. So are you," he paused, searching for the right words, "And I'm sorry for treating you like crap half the time, I'm sorry for going on about all…"

"Matt don't apologise," Severide said, stopping him from continuing, "What's happening at the moment is difficult, there's been a lot of change, a lot of it good but still it's change, and some of it isn't nice but it's going to pass, I know it will."

Casey scoffed at that, Severide had expected him to smile, expected him to be reassured but he was shaking his head. "You know it will?" Casey repeated, his words became angry now as he fought to control his temper. "You don't know any more than I do. You know less than I do. You can't feel what I'm feeling. You can't…"

"What are you doing? Are trying to start a fight with me? I don't need it Casey," he turned away and left Casey alone in the bathroom. Casey practically slammed the door closed behind him. Severide shouldn't have been surprised when he heard the sound of glass shattering. He wanted to just walk away but he couldn't. He stood outside the bathroom door unable to open it, "Matt unlock the door."

"You'd like that wouldn't you? You'd see what a mess I…"

"Matt listen to me, I will break down this door if you do not..." he didn't need to go any further because he heard the lock click. He opened the door and stood face to face with Casey.

"I'm sorry… I… I couldn't help it, I just… I'm sorry, I'll replace it, sorry."

"I'm not bothered about the mirror, let me see your hand," Severide stepped forward, standing close to Casey.

Casey knew the Severide would never take no for an answer and he reluctantly lifted his injured hand.

"Lucky you didn't do anything more serious to it..." Severide commented, "I'll clean it up and wrap it." He moved Casey over to the toilet, pulled down the seat and lid, making him sit down.

"It's barely bleeding," Casey objected.

"Do you realise you've just made your chances of getting an infection worse?"

"Oh right, yeah…" Casey's voice was quiet now as he realised what harm he could just have done to himself, and his face was sad as he watched Severide get the first aid kit, cleaning his knuckles with antiseptic, and winding a gauze dressing around his hand.

"How much sleep are you really getting?" Severide asked softly.

"Enough," he replied.

"Are you sure?"

"I… I don't know… I either sleep too much or not at all but you know that," he spoke.

"I just want you to tell me," Severide told him.

"Sorry if I wake you."

"Quit apologising," Severide smiled

"Sor…"

Severide just placed a finger over Casey's lips.


	34. Children

"This is a bad idea," Severide complained as he helped Casey out of the car and into his wheelchair.

"So you've said," Casey just smiled, "About four times already."

"It's busy and…"

"And everyone here is germ infested?" he grinned, unlocking the wheelchair brakes whilst Severide closed the car door and locked it up.

"Well… yes," Severide responded.

"C'mon, if we don't get going then it will just get even busier," he retorted, sounding more enthusiastic than he felt about this expedition. At least he felt it was going to be an expedition so he hadn't bothered with his prosthetic since the socket wasn't fitting correctly at the moment but he had an appointment with the prosthetist soon. Today was most likely going to be exhausting and Casey knew his limits. He pulled on his vogmask and they started to make their way to the elevator over in the corner of the parking lot.

Severide sighed, "I hate Christmas shopping."

"Hey! How can you say that?" Casey said in mock offence, "You've never been Christmas shopping with me."

"Do you like Christmas shopping?" Severide threw the ball back into Casey's court.

"I… I like Christmas part of it… just not the shopping part…" he frowned, feeling even less enthusiastic about the day, "But we'll get to see all the lights and trees and I've missed the lead up to Christmas for the last two years and the lead up is probably better than the actual day itself… I'm sorry about last…"

"Let's not talk about last Christmas," Severide smiled. Severide realised what an anxious experience this could be for Casey, especially in his chair rather than walking with his crutches. They rarely went shopping except for groceries, it wasn't the most practical activity for Casey and clothes and essentials could easily be bought online. He turned to Casey as they waited for the elevator to reach their floor, "Hey… today is gonna be all right, it will be busy but you can just ram everybody out of the way." That made them both laugh. Casey's eyes lit up when he smiled and that was all Severide wanted to see just now. He just wanted to see him happy.

After almost two hours of shopping they took a break in a coffee shop. Casey stopped his chair in a quiet corner whilst Severide went to the counter to get their drinks. Shoppers were still frantically hunting for last minute gifts as it was the last weekend before Christmas. People came in for take-out food and drink but there weren't many customers sitting in the place.

"I should do stuff like this more often," Casey commented as Severide sat down at their table with a couple of drinks.

"Shopping?" he chuckled, nodding towards the hordes of shoppers passing by laden with bags.

"Not necessarily shopping but just normal stuff, things I used to do."

"What did you used to do?" he smiled.

Casey grinned, "What are you insinuating?"

"Well… other than work you didn't really do that much," Severide replied.

"Thanks Kelly," he rolled his eyes. "We used to go out more," he continued after he'd taken a sip of his drink.

"My liver is probably grateful we don't go out so much," Severide laughed.

"We didn't drink that much," Casey shook his head, smiling, "Did we?"

"No, guess not," he shrugged

"We used to run together…" Casey ventured, it was still a sore subject and he immediately regretted mentioning it.

"Well we can walk together? And how about giving basketball another go? You have kinda been cooped up in the apartment for a while…"

"And who's fault is that?" he teased.

Severide gazed into Casey's eyes for a few moments before he spoke again. "You're the most important person, most important thing in the world to me. Forgive me if I'm a little too over protective," he smiled.

"No need to get all mushy," Casey grinned but he appreciated the sentiment. He'd never had anyone in his life like Severide, never had anyone who loved him unconditionally, it had taken a while to get used to, and in fact he still wasn't used to it.

"I just want you to be healthy and happy and…"

"I am Kelly," he nodded sincerely. "What's brought all this on? The transplant?"

"Yeah and maybe the…"

"The time of year," Casey spoke knowingly, "I'm glad you didn't get me a legiversary cake, I didn't want to think about this year." The anniversary of Casey's injuries had come and gone without acknowledgement. Severide had spent the whole day with him to distract him from dwelling on it and allowing memories of the trauma to affect him as they had in the past. There was no mention of that terrible day two years previously.

"It's getting a little easier, isn't it?"

Casey nodded. "Yeah it is. If it weren't for all the…" he shook his head. "I wouldn't give it much thought, I don't give it much thought, which I'm sure a shrink would tell me is a bad thing, I shouldn't just shove things to the back my mind but we both know it works," he smiled.

"To an extent," Severide replied carefully, recalling the amputation scene he'd been at only a couple of weeks previously, not long after the two year anniversary of Casey's own amputation ironically.

"Kelly I don't want to be the person who lost a leg but sometimes…" he paused for a moment before continuing, "Sometimes I don't recognise myself but like you said I've not really done anything recently, not really done anything all year."

"Well 2017 can be your comeback," Severide smiled.

Casey chuckled slightly at that but then his amusement quickly turned to sadness. "My comeback," he repeated quietly, "My comeback to what?"

Severide studied Casey's face for a while before responding, "I've always said that you can do whatever you want to do. I mean it."

"Can I be a firefighter?" he questioned sardonically, staring down into his mug.

"Is that all you want?"

"No," he shook his head, his voice quiet.

"You want a family," Severide said knowingly, "I'll give you a family Matt."

Casey just stared at him before pulling his gaze away, he shook his head again.

"You don't want a family with me anymore?" Severide questioned, "I know I've never been the family type but…"

"I still want a family with you…" he sighed, he was struggling with all this now, "Kel… I do want a family, you're right, it is what I want, what I've wanted since… since forever, it was always my goal, always my plan, but… but now, right now, my head's all over the place… I can't even look after myself sometimes…"

"It doesn't have to happen straight away, I'm not talking about the next couple of months. I know you think you should be recovering quickly from the transplant but it's gonna take time and the meds aren't…"

"The meds aren't great," Casey finished for him.

"No, they're not," Severide agreed, "But we'll have a family, we'll make it happen, you'd be such an amazing dad."

"So would you… or maybe we would both just end up fucking them up like…" Casey's voice trailed off, he couldn't bring himself to say what he was thinking.

"Like your parents did?" he teased. "You won't."

"I don't have the best family track record…"

"Did you say them?" Severide spoke with a smile on his face.

Casey just shrugged.

"Them sounds good."

"Really?"

"Yes, really Matt."

Once they left the coffee shop they didn't spend much more time shopping. They didn't have many people to buy for. They'd both already bought their presents for each other online and were both pleased with their purchases and were looking forward to see their respective gifts on Christmas Day. Severide had wanted to do some clothes shopping whilst they were there, partly because he knew Casey could do with a few new items, but it hadn't gone successfully. Casey had days where he felt incredibly self-conscious and his self-esteem seemed to be at an all-time low. His self-esteem had never been great but the last two years had worn him down he no longer had the strength to hide his insecurities. He'd hid himself behind his walls and it had made him a great firefighter, a great leader, but he didn't have that anymore, in a way Severide was pleased that he no longer shielded himself away, he loved how comfortable Casey was around him, how free he was with all of his emotions but he also realised how truly riddled with issues Casey really was. Life had thrown a lot of shit in his court.  
  


* * *

 

Casey was sat in his primary physician's office a couple of days later, the man oversaw all his care, they'd been talking for ten minutes. It was his first check-up since the surgery. The doctor finished his notations on the file in front of him and looked at Casey studiously. "Matt, how are you really doing?" the doctor spoke.

"I was just saying how great everything's been?" Casey replied, frowning a little.

"It all sounds a little too great," the doctor told him with a quizzically raised brow.

Casey sighed. "The side effects," he began slowly, "They're not great… they're horrid."

"The tremors and stomach cramps are still quite prevalent, the joint and muscle pain has reduced," the doctor said, having already discussed them with Casey earlier on, "What else has been going on in the last few weeks? Nausea?"

Casey shook his head, "Not really… isn't it obvious?"

"Isn't what obvious?"

"The prednisone, it's making eat more, making me…" he looked away, "Making me fat." He almost laughed at how ridiculously juvenile the words sounded as they left his lips. He tapped his fingers nervously against his left thigh.

"Matt could you get onto the scales for me?" he asked Casey as he got to his feet and walked over to where the weight and height measure stood.

Casey was a little taken aback at the request, "Sorry?"

"I want to prove something to you. Your prosthetic still weighs the same? You've not had any adjustments made to it recently?"

"No, it's the same," Casey told him, standing up and going over to the scale, leaning his crutches against the wall.

"All right, on you get then," the man smiled at Casey's somewhat bewildered expression as he stepped onto the scales. "Good. Ok, you can sit back down," he said before Casey even had a chance to glance at the reading.

They both sat down opposite each other.

"Ok so..." he began as he looked at Casey's electronic chart, "You were underweight pre-transplant and your discharge weight was even lower."

"Yeah," Casey replied ruefully, slightly ashamed of the fact because he'd always kept himself fit and healthy.

"Matt, you've only gained 9lbs and you're still borderline underweight... I could tell when you first came in," the doctor told him, "So we still need you to gain a little more weight."

"Oh… right," he was genuinely surprised.

"Listen, this may sound odd, but one of the major side effects of prednisone is anxiousness," the man watched as Casey nodded knowingly, "And I think partly because you have already experienced a few side effects from all the new meds you've started overly worrying about them."

"9lbs," Casey shook his head, "I feel like an idiot… had more than one massive row with Kelly over all of this and it's insignificant. I was just annoyed at everything, at nothing… and now you're going to tell me that's a side effect because I know it is because I studied them so why didn't I just take a step back and stop… is it always going to be like this? Because I am not pleasant to be around most of the time," he sighed heavily.

"The side effects will lessen when the dosage is lessened," the doctor told him positively.

"But when will that be?" he sighed again. "I shouldn't complain. I'm not complaining I'm just…" he struggled to find the words to explain his thoughts and feelings.

"You're just adjusting," the doctor nodded.

Casey thought for a moment before he spoke. "Yeah, yeah I am," he agreed with the man, "But the last couple of times I've had to adjust I pushed Kelly away deliberately."

"Do you want to do that now?"

"No," he replied immediately, "It's the last thing I want to do but I am doing it, I really am horrible to be around."

"I doubt it Matt," the doctor reassured him. "Have you thought about going back to the psychiatrist?" he queried carefully, knowing it was rather a sore subject at times.

"I probably should," Casey's mouth turned up into a mirthless smile that didn't reach his eyes.

"But you don't want to?"

"Not yet," he shook his head.

"Ok, well that's fine, we can discuss it another time." The doctor made some notes on the file before him on the desk before looking back up at Casey, "Now then, meds. You've had more painkillers than usual recently. You've had more pain? Surgical related?"

"My pelvis has been acting up and my left leg," Casey admitted, realising it was pointless hiding anything from the physician or anyone on his care team. He'd learned that the hard way over the past couple of years.

"Arthritic and nerve pain?"

"I think that's the cause most the time. I've also been a lot less active over the last… well, ten months or so, and I don't think that helps my pelvis," he explained quietly.

"No physio at the moment?" the doctor asked.

"Insurance won't cover any more sessions right now but I'm trying to do some of the things Ty set out for me," he told the man.

"And you're taking Tylenol for the stomach cramps?"

"No, well, I was but it doesn't really do anything," he said with a small shrug.

"Does your stomach hurt every day or is it less often now?"

"Maybe once a day, it varies. Doesn't really seem to be after something specific like eating or exercising or anything," he explained. "Heat pad helps," he added.

"Well that's something at least."

"'Seems like a long list of problems but I am all right. I really do feel better when I feel better, if that makes sense?"

"It does," the doctor nodded, "And I'm glad. If your left leg starts to make things more difficult I think I'll refer you back to the orthopaedist if that's something you want. But for now we'll get you in to remove stent second week of the new year and that will time well with you next blood draw, and I'll see then as well, save you coming in more than once that month."

"One hospital visit in a month, that's quite impressive," Casey looked pleased at that thought.

"Yes it is," the doctor smiled at him. "Well I hope you have a good Christmas Matt, and I'll see you in January."

"You too, thanks for everything."  
  


* * *

 

Everything had been going well for days, weeks even, so much so that Severide had almost forgotten how bad it could get. He'd not seen Casey like this since before his hospital stay. He knew things hadn't been perfect but he'd not seen Casey have such a serious episode for such a long time. There was little he could do as Casey's tears flooded his face. He'd been crying out in his sleep, trapped underneath all that concrete once again. Reliving the pain and fear he'd felt that day.

"Matt, baby, wake up… open your eyes… c'mon baby…" Severide tried to rouse Casey's distressed form but words had no effect. He began to stroke his head gently, all the while talking gently to him, "Come on baby..."

Eventually Casey's eyes flickered open but they remained unseeing and unfocused.

"Matty, it's me, it's Kelly, you're ok, you're at home, you're fine," Severide tried to reassure him. The blank trance-like expression on Casey's face was eerie. "You're home, you're safe," he repeated as he took Casey's hand, "Can you feel me?"

"Kel…" Casey murmured eventually.

"Yeah, I'm here, you're safe, you're home," Severide spoke again.

"Help…"

"You're fine, I promise, you're fine…"

"Can't feel my legs…"

"Matty, listen to me, listen to my voice, ok? You're at home… here…" he placed Casey's hand on the pillow by his head, "Feel this? What is it?"

Severide could do little except watch as Casey frowned, his mind not quite grasping why something so soft would be in such a dark, cold and filthy place.

"It hurts…" he murmured. His placid expression broke, his eyes scrunched in pain, more tears formed and began to flow freely down his face.

"Shh… you're ok, you're ok, you're gonna get through this…"

"No…" Casey cried.

"Please Matt…" he began, distressed now he was still unable to help him, "Listen to my voice, concentrate on me…"

"Please…" Casey gasped, crying, his voice so low Severide could barely hear him as he tried to curl up to stem the pain he felt.

"Can you get through the next five seconds?" Severide tried. A small murmur from Casey indicated that he had heard and Severide felt momentary relief that he'd broken through the demons in Casey's head. "I know you can so I need you to count to five for me," Severide nodded, now making soothing patterns on Casey's arm, "Go on, you can do that for me, right?"

With a shuddering breath Casey began to count, his words barely intelligible.

"You made it. You can make it through another five seconds," Severide coaxed softly.

"One… two…" his voice was a little steadier and a little louder this time.

It took another hour for Casey to finally relax against Severide's body, lying in his comforting embrace as he was finally released from the nightmares in his head. It had exhausted him, his body felt heavy but he was no longer in agony.

Severide remained holding Casey in his arms until he woke properly late in the morning. When Casey woke he gently pushed Severide's arms away and resisted any help as he reached over and grabbed his crutches before disappearing into the bathroom. Severide got up and got dressed. He sat around waiting for him at the kitchen counter, Casey's actions had been predictable, Severide just hoped it wouldn't take him too long to recover from the previous night.

"You've not missed your meds? I didn't want to wake you when the alarm went off," Severide spoke softly when Casey appeared, dressed in joggers and old sweater, leg brace and prosthetic now on.

"I took them, wasn't too late," he replied as he made his way over to the kitchen on his crutches. He'd taken extra painkillers too, he'd noticed he'd been doing that a lot lately.

"Breakfast then?" Severide smiled.

Casey just nodded so Severide got on with making a small cooked breakfast for them both. Casey sat down at the counter and they ate in silence. He then spent most of the day in silence, not at all unusual after such a night. He was physically and mentally drained and he looked it too, pale and weary. Severide was always insistent that he didn't mind Casey's nightmares. He wished Casey didn't have to suffer through them at all but he didn't mind being disturbed by them. Despite Severide's reassurances Casey still felt embarrassed, especially after such a horrible episode that stripped him so raw and bare and today appearing weak wasn't the only thing on his mind, he was worried about much more.

When the credits rolled at the end of the film they'd been watching late that afternoon, neither of them had been paying it there full attention, Casey spoke up. "You're not supposed to be comforting me when I have nightmare," he commented quietly.

Severide turned his head, genuinely surprised at the statement. "What?" he frowned.

"How am I meant to be a dad when I need you to…" he sighed, "To save me from the monsters in my head." Casey continued dejectedly, "It's never going to happen, is it? I can't raise a family, I have no job. I rely so much on you and my disability payments… if I'd not had savings… if I'd not sold the house…"

"Matt, baby, just take moment, just think, think how far you've come," Severide tried, he hated to see Casey so distressed and feeling rather helpless, unable to make him feel better.

He shook his head, "I'm sorry. Why do I need all this reassurance, why do I need all this help... I'm sorry, I wish I didn't, I wish I was… I wish I was my old self…"

"I don't," Severide spoke with certainty. "I loved you but I love you even more now."

"Would you still love me if I…" he swallowed, "If I chose to amputate my left leg."

Severide remained silent for a short moment. "You've changed your mind?" he asked.

"I don't know… well, no I haven't, I don't want to do it but…" he sighed heavily, "But what if I can do more, what if I have less bad days? I was an idiot and I hurt myself and I'm paying for that… I was… I was depressed and I'd pushed you away and I had nothing, I didn't care, I thought I deserved it, I did deserve it, but now you're suffering because of it. I don't know what to do, I don't know if I should do anything or if should go down some other route to see if something works, I just don't know."

"I'm suffering because of your left leg?" Severide frowned, "I'm not. And Matt, it doesn't matter that you don't know, doesn't matter if you take more time to think about it, doesn't matter if you don't do anything, it's all up to you, I will support you no matter what."

"Can we stop? Let's just stop talking, I'm exhausted and…"

"And you don't want to talk about how you're feeling."

"I'm constantly unloading everything onto you, constantly changing my mind, my thoughts are all over the place and it's not fair on you, I want to blame the meds but I've been doing it since all of this happened," Casey spoke, still distraught.

"Matt we're in a relationship, that's what people do." He grinned, "It's not all about the sex."

Casey looked down as he spoke almost nervously, "Is the sex ok?"

"The sex is more than ok," Severide beamed.

Casey smiled, looking at Severide now. "When I found out how damaged my pelvis was I was petrified that I'd never be able to… to satisfy you… or myself," he laughed a little at that out of unease.

"You'd love your own children," Severide commented sadly. They'd both tried not to give it much over the last two years, there had been more important matters and this had been one issue they had both put to the back of their minds for more than one reason.

"They would be _our_ children," Casey just smiled, it was forced, he feared this was the conversation they'd been holding back on.

"I mean… biological," he spoke, although he had a feeling Casey knew what he meant. "You'd love your own children," he repeated.

"Would have," Casey corrected him, "Would have loved. Almost impossible now… it is impossible. But it's ok." The damage from his injuries had been widespread. Nerves were intact but full function would never return.

"Still… I'm sorry," he responded.

"Please don't be. I don't want you to feel sorry for me," Casey paused, "You're not saying you want a family because you feel sorry for me, right?"

"I want a family with you. I want children with you. And I want the whole world to know it."

Casey laughed, shaking his head, "Let's keep it under wraps until we figure it out."

"What's to figure out?" Severide smiled eagerly.

"Loads… and I need to… I need to be better, I can't have what happened last night happen again," he spoke resolutely.

"Matt, it will happen again," Severide said carefully.

He looked at Severide with his eyes wide, "I don't want it to."

"I know," Severide nodded, "They're horrible and I wish they didn't happen."

"They make me so… so weak and…"

"You're not weak, you're just…"

"Damaged?"

"Yeah, well, you've always damaged," Severide smiled, "I knew what I was getting myself into from the start."

"Can we do this? Is this even a suitable home? Will it all work out?"

"We'll make it work," Severide reassured him.


	35. Happy New Year

Christmas had come around with startling speed. Severide was on shift on the 24th so when he finally arrived home on Christmas Day morning he sneaked quietly into their bedroom. He slipped into bed with Casey, who, despite the central heating being on full, was wearing two layers and had slept with two extra blankets, without Severide under the covers with him he really felt the cold.

"Morning baby," Severide greeted him softly.

"Morning…" Casey responded tiredly, eyes still closed as Severide kissed his lips. He moved his head a fraction, "Mmm… not brushed my teeth…"

"I don't care," he smiled, running a hand through Casey's bed hair, "Spent a whole day without you."

"You wanna wrestle with the cats and put those outfits on them?" Casey asked, smiling, eyes now open. "Can't risk getting scratched," he laughed, sitting up and swallowing a couple of pills dry. He'd already taken his morning medications down with some water and the glass now sat empty on the night stand.

"Ah now you're learning to use it all as an excuse," Severide grinned, "I'm gonna go get lunch started then I'll be back." He made to moved but Casey's hand came out of the covers and grabbed his arm weakly.

"No, don't want any," he shook his head.

"'No excuses, you're gonna eat a proper Christmas lunch." He moved away from Casey, breaking the fragile grip on his arm, but stopped at the door and turned back, "Just take a breath, you do want lunch. It's the meds screwing with you, remember?"

Casey sighed. "Sure," he accepted reluctantly.

Severide left the room. He couldn't wait for the antirejection medication dosage to be reduced, he kept reminding himself, and Casey, that a lot of his behaviour and a lot of his issues at the moment were because of the pills but it was incredibly hard on both of them, even more so on Severide as he was at brunt of Casey's moods. Once he had done most of the preparation for lunch and put the meat into the oven he went back into their bedroom. Casey was up and pulling clothes out of the dresser so Severide lay back down on the bed, watching him, smiling.

Casey stopped what he was doing and moved over to Severide, reaching out and uncrossing his legs, carefully getting onto the bed with the aim of gently straddling his thighs, but he lost his balance and ended up flat down across Severide's front, winding him in the process.

"God Matt… what are you doing?" Severide huffed, trying to catch his breath, but still grinning at Casey's failed attempt at subtlety

Casey couldn't control his laughter, "I'm so sorry… ow… that hurt…"

"Are you ok?"

"I'm fine…" he laughed.

"You said ow?"

"I think I dislocated my elbow… it doesn't hurt now but it did… I can't move, I'm sorry…" he was still smiling though as he lay there flat on top of Severide.

"What were you trying to do?" Severide repeated, grinning up into Casey's face, now only a few centimetres from his own. He knew exactly what he had been trying to do, he could have stopped him but he didn't have the heart.

"Seductively start making love to you… I heard a crack… I hope that was my leg and not your chest…"

"Don't worry, you're not that heavy. You can't move?"

"Can you breathe?"

"Yes."

"Ok. Well I'll just stay it for a bit."

"All right..." Severide's eyebrows rose in anticipation and he wound his arms around Casey, circling one hand on his back.

A little later they exchanged their presents whilst dinner was cooking in the oven. Casey had bought Severide the watch he'd been pondering over buying for almost a year, never actually doing so because he didn't want to spend that much on something for himself. He loved it and got Casey to put it onto his wrist immediately, telling Casey he shouldn't have bought it.

"I was kinda sick of you questioning whether or not you should just buy it so really getting has benefitted me," Casey grinned, pleased that Severide was happy with the present.

"Here," Severide smiled as he passed Casey a small box after giving the wrapping paper from his present to the cats who'd been hanging around in their room most of the morning.

Casey studied the present with a smile. "Well it's not small enough to be a ring…" he began teasingly, "And not big enough to be a whole new leg…"

"Just open the damn present," Severide chuckled, "If you don't like them I can send them back and swap them for something…"

"Kelly… it probably sounds cheesy but I don't care, must have said it so many times now, but I'm happy just being here with you, spending the day with you. That's all I care about. Really."

Severide just smiled warmly at that, "Well, still, I can exchange them if you don't like them."

Casey laughed as he ripped the paper away from the box. "They're brilliant, thank you…" he leant over and kissed Severide softly.

"I thought they'd be good when you… when you aren't having such a good day, you can switch off from everything. Made you a new playlist for you to put on your phone too. You really like them?"

"They're great, never had such fancy headphones!" Casey was grinning from ear to ear as he looked at the box, "They're wireless?"

"Yeah," Severide nodded, "They're totally wireless, noise cancelling, and the sound quality… well I tried them in the store and they're brilliant. Much better than the little white things you use."

"Thank you, really I don't think I've…"

Casey was about to continue when Severide held an index finger to his lips and stopped him. "Please don't tell me you've never had such a thoughtful gift before because if you haven't then I'm gonna have to get you lots more stuff," Severide spoke almost seriously, his hand rested softly on Casey's upper chest now.

"I don't need stuff," he smiled, leaning in and kissing Severide again. "Lunch smells good," he commented, changing the subject when he pulled away.

"Ah yeah, lunch, I better go check on it," Severide stood up from the bed.

"I'll…" Casey managed to get one word out before Severide just shook his head.

"You'll do nothing but stay in bed," he spoke as he threw on his robe. "And remain topless," he threw back over his shoulder as he left the room, leaving Casey teasing Pumpkin with some of the wrapping paper.

The day wore on and soon Severide was clearing away the dishes as Casey sat at the kitchen counter organising his pills for the upcoming week. There was a notepad open by his side and a pen in his hand. He jotted down the amount of medication he had left, calculating how long they would last.

"Need me to stop by the pharmacy before next week?" Severide queried when he saw a frown cross Casey's face.

"I can do it."

"Might as well do it when I'm my way home from shift… unless you want to do it?"

Casey shrugged a little, "I do kinda want to get out the apartment. Think I'll last until we're at the hospital though, I'll just pick them up then."

"You worried?"

He shook his head, "Not really."

"Good." 'Severide turned back to the job in hand, then heard something clatter onto the tiles.

"Oh damnit…" Casey swore as he watched the neatly organised medication organiser fall onto the floor, scattering pills in all directions from all the compartments. He'd been closing the last compartment when his hand had tremored, it was still trembling now and his fingers had stiffened.

Severide wheeled around quickly and bent down by Casey's chair, "I've got it baby." Casey sighed audibly, watching helplessly as Severide carefully gathered up the scattered pills. Severide turned to look up at his dismayed expression, "Don't worry about it."  
  


* * *

 

Despite the weather they spent the next day together at the boat yard, Casey wanted to make the final touches to Violet's present. They were away skiing for the holidays up in Canada so Casey and Severide were going to deliver it to her once they were back.

Severide stood back and admired Casey's work, "It looks great, she'll love it."

Casey grinned, "Did you expect it to look awful?"

"Well you've not done much woodwork before," he commented, "But you are such a perfectionist with everything."

"It's been good," Casey spoke, "Nice to complete something for once."

"You realise we're gonna have to test it out right, for safety purposes of course," he smiled, only half serious.

"You've got no faith in my abilities?" Casey retorted, smoothing one hand over the wood, a small look of pride on his face.

"Well you haven't made one of these before, not as far as I know anyway."

"Fine," Casey nodded, smiling at his inability to say no to Severide, "You can test it out… purely for safety purposes."

"Yes…" Severide was grinning, "You gotta have a go too."

Casey's smile fell, "Can't."

"Of course you can!" Severide responded enthusiastically, trying hard to encourage him.

"I'll just end up hurting myself or something," he replied quietly.

"Spoil sport," Severide teased, a boyish gleam in his eyes.

Distressed now Casey shook his head, "Kel…"

"C'mon I know the perfect place to take it, used to go there all the time when I was kid," he reached out a hand ready to help Casey get up off the wooden bench where he was sitting.

"Kelly I said no," he protested.

Severide smiled, "Live a little. You'll be fine. Besides, what more damage could you do?" He desperately wanted to show Casey he could still do all sorts of activities, he really had been stuck in the apartment far too long.

Just over an hour later the two of them were finally standing at the top of the easy paths in Dan Ryan Woods. It was much quieter than Severide could remember despite the hour of the day, only a few families were there, children were chattering and shouting, screaming with joy as they raced down the slopes to the bottom on their sleds. Casey had made it to the top without too much difficulty and they now stood in a quiet section at the top finally. The drive had taken only half an hour but the rest of the time was taken up with Casey's laborious journey to the top with his walker and Severide's help.

Severide sat himself on the newly crafted sled that Casey had made for Violet and was about ready to take off down the slope. They were wearing waterproof outerwear and Casey was still bundled in the bright red hat, scarf and gloves so only the top half of his face was exposed.

"Getting on?" Severide asked.

Casey shook his head. "It's not big enough for both of us," he replied.

"I'll bring it back up for you," Severide said. "It's your only way down, unless you want to walk," he teased.

Casey watched with nervous anticipation as Severide slid down the slope, the sled worked perfectly just as he'd suspected, his only worry was his own turn. Severide had a knack of getting him to do stuff, a good thing really or he'd not end up doing much nowadays. He'd lost his confidence and his enthusiasm over the last couple of years. He'd become rather isolated, mostly his own doing. He'd cut himself off from most the people he knew and rarely ventured out but he wasn't entirely unhappy because of that, he'd had enough pitying glances to last him a lifetime.

He was deep in thought as Severide made the journey back up the slope after giving him a big enthusiastic thumbs up. "She's as solid as a rock and flies like the wind baby," Severide told him when he reach the top, "Your turn." He smiled after helping Casey onto the sled, "Don't break your leg."

"Not sure I'd get a replacement from a sledding accident," Casey smiled back at him.

"Yes! He's smiled!"

"Shut up Kelly," he shook his head. "Hang on… how you getting down? I'm not walking back up and you need to…"

"I'll walk down with the walker. Don't worry I'm not gonna leave you stranded. Now, hold on and stay towards to the right hand side, it's smoother."

"Yes mom," he exasperated.

Severide gave the sled a good shove and watched as Casey took off down the slope, picking up speed as he went. He was grinning as he walked down the slope with the walker until the very moment that Casey overbalanced on the sled and ended up hitting a solid snowdrift, flying off and landing face down. "Matt?" he called, walking quicker down the slope now, but Casey didn't move and his walk turned into a run, abandoning the walker three quarters of the way down. "Matt?" he skidded on his knees by Casey's side and felt a wave of relief when Casey moved. "Are you…" he never finished because he saw how Casey was sniggering, trying to hold back his laughter. "Don't do that!" Severide exclaimed, although the relief he felt far outweighed his annoyance.

Casey spoke through his fit of laughter, "You were so worried!"

"Of course I was you idiot, you're gonna give me a heart attack one day!" Severide helped him to sit up. Casey's entire front and head was covered in clumps of snow and ice and his face was just about invisible. He grinned at Severide, trying to smack the snow off himself.

"Let's do it again," Casey announced once he'd shaken off most of the snow.

"Again?"

He nodded, "I'm exhausted but yeah again… if you don't mind helping me?"

"I love helping you, I'll always help you," Severide reassured him, "Can you get up?"

"Can I get up?" he repeating, grinning, "Of course I can't," he laughed again. It made Severide happy to see Casey not take himself so seriously and to find the humour in his situation.

Severide got up and recovered the sled before getting Casey to his feet, "Right, I'll pull you back up, face downhill and…"

"You're kidding, right?"

"Not kidding," Severide replied, smiling, "I could do with the workout anyway."  
  


* * *

 

It was almost the New Year. After their shift had ended Severide went to find Shay, he caught her in the locker room. "Hey," Severide began, leaning against one of the lockers, "You wanna grab some breakfast together?"

"Erm sure…" a slight frown creased her brow as she picked up her bag.

"You don't sound very sure?"

"Well you usually rush home to Casey?" she pointed out, half questioning Severide's reason not to go straight home.

"Yeah, well, I've not spent much time with my best friend lately, we should have a catch up," he spoke.

"Sure then, breakfast sounds good, I'll follow you?"

"All right," he nodded, pleased.

They headed over to a diner close by and chatted about work whilst they ate their cooked breakfasts and drank coffee.

"So why did you really want to have breakfast?" Shay asked. Her curiosity got the better of her now they were fifteen minutes in and Severide still hadn't broached anything remotely serious. "What's up?" she smiled warmly.

He just kept staring down into the mug of steaming dark liquid. It was amazing the number of things that suddenly became fascinating when trying to avoid an issue that demanded attention. "It's Casey," he admitted.

She didn't bat an eyelid, "Figured as much."

"What do you mean?"

"I don't mean it in a bad way, it's good, Casey's the only person you've ever truly loved, never seen you so caring about anyone else, but you do hide that side of you very well," she smiled warmly.

"I think he's…" Severide sighed heavily, not wanting to believe what he was about to say to her, ashamed that he hadn't picked up on the problem sooner, "I think he's addicted to painkillers." He stopped for a few seconds, trying to gauge Shay's reaction but she didn't seem at all shocked like he had expected. "He's taking more and more of them," he began slowly, "I've started to notice how restless he can get until he takes them, I don't think he goes half a day without any. I've started to notice… I've not just started to notice, it's been happening for a while and I've tried not to think about but I'm worried. I'm worried they're going to stop helping him and he's going need something even stronger or he'll end up…." he stopped, not wanting to think about it all.

"His pain is real Kelly," she spoke.

"I know, I know that, and I don't want him to be in pain, ever, but he's gone from being concerned about taking them to just, well, to just popping them like candy," he explained, distressed, "And he doesn't have a you either…"

"Doesn't have a me?" she repeated, "He has got me."

"You're my best friend Shay," he explained, "He doesn't have a best friend, I was his best friend, me and Andy, he doesn't have someone like you are to me, I don't think he'd come to you about this or anything that he, you know, just wanted to talk to that wasn't me… I'm making sense right?"

She nodded. "Look Kelly, the painkillers he's taking are a little different, his situation's different to what was," she spoke gently, "He has a whole team of doctors and you were taking painkillers, yes for pain, but for undiagnosed pain, his prescriptions are legal, right?"

"Yeah," he affirmed with a nod.

"Then I really don't think you should be so worried," she responded, smiling. "Kelly," she added, "Don't make him see pills, see his meds, as a bad thing, you know what he's like more than anyone. And you're wrong, I did get him to talk, he told me about his heart, and then he went to you. He knows he can talk to me."

"Yeah, yeah I guess. He's just all over the place at the moment. Again," he was shaking his head.

"He's pushing you away?"

"Not exactly," he stated after a moment, "Well, not deliberately."

"Sounds like he's on a lot of meds from what you've told me, they're probably playing havoc with him," she replied.

"That's exactly what's happening," he nodded, sighing, "But… but it's getting harder to be sympathetic, harder not let it get to me, I know it's not really him but it is. One moment everything's absolutely fine, the next he's…"

"The next he's?" she prompted, not wanting Severide to lose momentum as he trailed off.

"I just want a break," he sighed again, "I want him to have a break, a break from all this crap. Thought his transplant would make things easier. Instead it's just brought its own set of problems."

"It's not nice on either of you but I know you'll both get through it, you've been through too much at this point not to," she reassured him.  
  


* * *

 

"Bit of a swanky spot for us, isn't it?" Severide commented with a huge grin as he and Casey walked into the main hall where the function was being held. The place was lit by several twinkling chandeliers on the high ceiling, there were gaudy decadent murals and stone carvings on the walls.

"Thought you just wanted to get me in a tux?" Casey joked as he looked around the huge room.

"Yeah but I'd rather be getting you out of it…" Severide quipped and Casey to chuckled, his eyes sparkled. Shopping for their suits had caused yet another argument between them. Casey's mood hadn't improved one bit but Severide hadn't expected it to. They were both more than fed up of the antirejection medication side effects.

"There's Boden," Casey pointed out, breaking Severide out of his thoughts. "Who else is coming?" Casey asked.

"Everyone but Herrmann and Cindy, they're waiting up with their kids," Severide replied as he turned to Casey, "You all right?"

"Yeah," he responded a little too quickly. He pulled off his vogmask which earned a look of disapproval from Severide but nothing was said on the matter. He stuffed the mask into his jacket pocket, a look on his face that said he knew he should keep it on but wasn't going to, he didn't want to make himself feel even more uncomfortable even with the increased risk of infection he now faced.

Sensing Casey's discomfort Severide spoke, "Matt, it's fine, everyone's really missed you ya know, and we can go as soon as it hits midnight if you really want?"

"Yeah," he muttered, not really paying much attention to what Severide was saying.

"That's the new fire commissioner," Severide commented looking over to the corner of the room.

"Suppose we can't just ignore him," he held back a sigh.

"C'mon," Severide started making his way through the crowded hall.

As Casey followed he swiped a large glass of champagne from a tray one of the waiters was holding, swallowed it down in one go and replaced the empty glass on the tray.

Severide walked up to the commissioner with his arm out, ready to shake his hand. "Lieutenant Severide, Squad 3," Severide introduced himself with a pleasant smile.

"I've heard great things," the man gave a curt nod before smiling at Casey.

Casey hesitated, still after these years not at all used to introducing himself without his title, although Severide still said he was a CFD lieutenant and always would be. "Matt Casey," he shook the man's outstretched hand.

"Truck 81," the man beamed, but the smile fell and that look that Casey hated appeared in his eyes, "How are you doing?"

"Great," Casey responded, trying to free his hand from the man's grip.

The man let go of his hand. "Back teaching soon I hope, I heard fantastic things, before and after," he was still smiling but Casey could tell he wasn't quite sure what to say to him.

"Yeah, we'll see."

"Nice meeting you both officially," the man said as someone came up and escorted him away to meet more people.

As they watched him disappear into the crowd Casey commented quietly, "Is it midnight yet?"

"Matt," Severide turned to him, "Let's at least try and have some fun, this is supposed to be a good evening."

"You could have come on your own," he spoke.

"You're my boyfriend, wasn't gonna come without you," Severide smiled. "Look, if you really want to go then…"

"No," he shook his head, "If you want to be here then I do too." A few seconds later Casey spotted a familiar face and spoke up, "Kel." He nodded over to where the commissioner now stood at the centre of a crowd of people by one of the tables.

"What?"

"Your dad's here," Casey was looking over to the one of the tables.

"Let's just find the guys, don't think he's noticed us," Severide responded.

The hours wore on and Casey found himself sitting at one of the large round tables where they had been seated with some of the current crews from house 51. They had all exchanged pleasantries, nothing more, and most of them were floating around the room, socialising, drinking, dancing. Severide had spent some time doing the rounds, accompanied by Casey until he had managed to excuse himself. They had been greeting other officers, chatting and speaking to various other people from CFD headquarters. Most of them Casey no longer recognised. He had realised there would be firefighters here, even officers that he wouldn't know and who wouldn't know him, and he was hit by a wave of melancholy. Most of the fire department had known his name since he had worked at two of the busiest firehouses in Chicago. It had never been his aim to be well known but it had been something that had accompanied his position and stemmed from all the rescues he had done and now he felt like an artefact collecting dust at the edge of the room.

Severide came back to the table where Casey was sitting, leaning forward to kiss his forehead before he sat down next to him. "All right baby?" he asked "Want any more to eat?"

Casey shook his head, "I'm fine, are you…"

But he didn't get to finish what he was going to say as they both suddenly spotted Benny Severide, clearly the worse for alcohol, almost lurching towards them, a half full glass of beer in one hand and a cigar in the other. The expression on his face and his body language clearly indicated that he was inebriated.

"Hey Kelly!" Benny said far too loudly, slapping his hand way too hard on Severide's back. "Matt! Hey! Didn't think you'd be here. What a nice surprise!" the sarcasm loaded words came from his alcohol fuelled brain.

"Benny," Casey greeted him with a cautious smile.

Severide shook his head at all the pleasantries. "What are you doing here?" Severide questioned, unsure whether to laugh or be annoyed at him.

"It's a CFD New Years Eve bash. I'm retired not dead," Benny laughed loudly. "So are you two still together together?" he spoke, eyeing Casey.

Severide didn't like the way his father looked down at Casey. "Together together," Severide repeated incredulously as he stood up to match Benny's height and stare him straight in the eye as he spoke again, "I'm not you."

Casey sank back in his chair as the two of them exchanged words over his head.

"Well since you both missed my Thanksgiving dinner and Christmas perhaps we could dinner another time?"

"We were busy and since when have you been so interested in spending holidays with me?"

"Well you're settling down now, even I've settled down…"

"So you thought we could do the whole family thing? Bit late don't you think?"

"Kelly your mother and I…"

Severide stopped him mid-sentence, he didn't want to hear this, not here, not now. "I'm here to celebrate the New Year with Matt, I'm not here to listen to you go on about…" he stopped, feeling Casey's hand on his arm.

"Kel," Casey spoke up, "I could really do with a glass of water or some juice. Could you?"

"Yeah, course baby," Severide replied, the words fell quite naturally from his lips, unfazed by Casey's interrupting request.

"Baby? Baby?" Benny scoffed out of Severide's earshot as he walked away.

Casey got to his feet a little awkwardly after having been still for so long, supporting himself on the edge of the table. "I don't know what the hell you're trying do here but if you ever come over to us again with no intention of being polite then don't come over again. I won't let you hurt him."

"He's my son," he retorted, bending his head towards Casey so their faces were inches apart. "I'll always have his best interest in mind. And this thing you two have," Benny was shaking his head now, "It's not a good look for him. It won't sit well with his superiors when he's up for promotion. And if you had anything about you, you'd leave him and let him find someone, a woman, to settle down with and have a family with, ok?" A sneer came to Benny's face now and he could tell by the hurt look on Casey's face that he had struck a chord.

"Then you barely know your own son," Casey replied simply as he could see Severide walking back over to the table.

He passed Casey one of the glasses of juice, sensing the tension in the air around the two men. "Everything all right?" he asked, peering from one of them to the other and back.

"Of course, Matt and I were just chatting about old times when he was on truck…" Benny just grinned and turned to leave, "See you boys... and remember what I said Matt, yeah?"

"Sure Benny. Happy New Year," he replied without returning his smile.

Severide just watched as his father walked away from them back to his own table, wondering what had been said between Casey and Benny, but at the same time, not wanting to ask. "You really ok?" he asked, attempting to sound as casual as he could.

Casey just nodded and shrugged, taking another mouthful of the juice. "I have an idea," he spoke up after a moment and Severide turned to him. "Let's grab Shay and get out of here. Go somewhere a lot more fun," he smiled.

It wasn't long until the three of them were sitting in a nearby strip club. Casey and Severide had their shirt collars open, bow ties discarded. Severide loved the way the ambient coloured lights danced in Casey's eyes and across his face. Shay was on a mission to fetch drinks from the bar, scotch for herself and Severide, water for Casey. Severide was sure he'd smelt alcohol on his breath earlier so he was going to make sure he didn't have any more.

One of the scantily clad girls had spotted Casey and made her way over, smiling flirtatiously and she began her dance, her perfumed body oil enhancing the atmosphere as she twirled and swayed seductively next to him.

Severide felt a green beast erupting inside him. He couldn't stand to watch his boy entranced by her. He pulled a note from his wallet and stuffed it into her thong, motioning her away with his other hand he muttered, "I think that's enough."

Casey just looked over to him and grinned, still feeling the effects of the champagne he had drunk earlier in the evening. "Jealous much," he replied, watching as the young lady stepped away to another table where more people were beckoning, hands extended with dollar bills.

Right then Shay returned, she placed their drinks down on the table. "Almost midnight," she announced as she took her seat again.

As the rest of the revellers began the loud countdown to the New Year each of them picked up their drink, touching their glasses together, sitting in silence as midnight approached, all thinking. Casey just hoped the coming year would be better than the last but he wasn't about to complain, he had Severide in his life and that's all he wanted.

"Happy New Year," he spoke quietly as it hit midnight.


	36. Pancakes and Panic Attacks

The New Year had brought along one hospital visit but at least it was a planned appointment. Casey had a simple procedure to done to remove the ureteric stent that had been put in place during his kidney transplant surgery, which was followed by some blood tests and a check-up with his primary care physician. Severide had remained firmly by his side throughout, gowned and masked the same as the nurse and the doctor during the procedure. He was never really worried about medical procedures but when it came to Casey even a needle stick set him on edge because he found it unbearable to see his boy in pain or discomfort of any kind. Even after all this time he still hated it but he would always try to look undaunted for Casey's sake but so far they were fortunate, Casey's suffered no complications from the kidney transplant and January soon turned into February. Casey had started to do more and more carpentry, going down to the boatyard whenever Severide went. It kept him occupied, he'd always liked to keep busy and it gave him something to do that he enjoyed.

The two of them celebrated Valentine's Day, although neither of them were particularly bothered about the tradition it was a good excuse for an extra special date night. Unfortunately it hadn't gone well. Casey's hand had tremored and he'd dropped the wine he'd been pouring for Severide at the restaurant. The manager had very kindly offered to replace it for them free of charge but Casey was mortified and embarrassed and just wanted to leave and go home. Despite that the night ended well after all with two sessions of full on sex, something they'd not done for some time because of Casey's surgery. The first one was a brief and somewhat rough liaison on the couch because they couldn't wait. The second was a slower, more erotic session in the bedroom later on. They both woke exhausted and happy the next morning, but the mood was soon spoiled by Severide having to leave for work. He hated that Casey would have to spend the next twenty-four hours alone.

It had been another long and tough shift, so the next day Severide spent most of his time relaxing. He was sitting on the couch and reading the newspaper when Casey appeared from the bedroom, moving himself deftly around the apartment on his crutches, he was rushing though if he wasn't carefully Severide was sure he would stumble. "Matt?" Severide was still watching him, a questioning look on his face.

"Have you tidied?" Casey's eyes narrowed as he shot a look over at Severide.

"No, why?" he queried.

"I left the painkillers right here," Casey said, nodding at the kitchen counter, "Now they're gone…"

"I've not moved them," he replied simply.

Casey turned to face him. "Well where the hell are they then?" he spat angrily.

The sudden burst anger was a shock to Severide's system. "Matt just calm down, maybe you finished them?"

"I didn't finish them! I'd know if I'd finished them…" he trailed off trying to think back, trying to remember, but he was adamant he was right. He shook his head and stormed off, which believe it or not was very possible with crutches as Severide had seen several times over the last few weeks.

Severide stood up and slapped the paper down on the table, heading for the bedroom. "What are you doing?" he called as he crossed the lounge. No reply came. He banged on the closed door before opening it. "What are you doing?" he repeated, Casey was sitting on the bed opening up his medication organiser, "Matt stop. You can't just pick the painkillers out…"

Casey had given up the search for the strong pills and was now ransacking the others in his search for something to take the edge off. "I am in pain!" he almost shouted as he continued to pick pills out of the compartments.

Severide took a calming breath before speaking, "It's not been long since…"

"It's been over two hours," he pointed out angrily.

Severide was shaking his head sadly, "Two hours isn't a very long time."

"I am in pain! My leg hurts, it hurts so much…" his steady voice cracked, then his face grew sombre, just as quickly as he had become distressed, "You've taken them?"

Casey's expression had turned into a stony faced glare, he was no longer trying to pick out the white pills. Severide was silent for a few moments. "Damnit Matt… I'm sorry… I had to, I had to, you're taking so many at the moment, I really don't think it's healthy," he responded. He had swiped the bottle of codeine Casey had left on the kitchen counter and taken the oxycodone from the nightstand only an hour before. He really just needed to keep an eye on how much Casey was taking and hadn't intended for things to go this way.

"You're one to talk," Casey spoke darkly.

Severide knelt down in front of him so he was no longer towering over him. "I know you're in pain, I know you're not lying about that but…" he struggled, "But you've noticed you've been taking a lot more painkillers over the last few months, you've not been touching the weaker stuff, but the codeine, the oxycodone…"

"Give me my pills back," Casey spoke quietly, eyes fixed on the floor.

"Matt just wait…"

"Now!" he spoke, anger rising again, "I need them! Give them back!"

"Matt I can't, you…" Severide never had chance to finish his sentence. Casey's right hand had balled up and his fist flew towards Severide's face, catching his right cheek with enough force to send him back onto his hands, shocked that Casey could muster such strength. But the sheer effort of making the blow had caused Casey to slide forwards off the bed, grunting out in pain. Severide was stunned for a few seconds before he managed to lean forwards and grab Casey as he fell. "Stop," he said firmly, "Enough, ok?" Severide had his arms pinned to stop Casey lashing out again but there was no need.

Casey had simply fallen limply against Severide, into his embrace. "I'm sorry… I'm sorry…" he muttered almost fanatically, his whole body was shaking and tears were falling thickly from his glazed eyes. "I didn't mean to… I'm sorry…" he repeated again and again as the tears soaked into Severide's shirt, "I'm sorry… I… I didn't… I… I'm sorry… I just… I can't do it… it hurt… I'm sorry… it hurts… I'm sorry…"

"Shh…" Severide soothed, "Shh… just take some breaths… shh…"

But Casey was still off somewhere far away from reality, muttering away, frightened of what he'd done, terrified of how he felt. Tears kept on filling his eyes, streaming down his face. His stomach hurt, his chest heaved with the sobs that racked him, "And I can't sleep… I can't sleep… I don't want to sleep…"

"Matt just take some breaths, it's ok… just breathe for me…"

He looked up and saw Severide's bloody nose. He shook his head fervently. Tears were still flowing freely. "I'm sorry… oh God I'm sorry… I'm sorry… I can't… I can't be my dad… I can't be… I'm not… I'm sorry… I'm sorry…" his words were rushed, frantic, his breaths caught in his throat.

A knife twisted in Severide's gut at Casey's words. He was speechless. He just kept holding Casey close. He could feel his trembling form, hear his incoherent pleas and mutterings.

Casey didn't fall silent. He didn't still. His incoherent pleas and mutterings turned into pained gasps and breaths. With his adrenaline depleted the full force of his pain was back and it was even worse than before. Agony coursed through his left leg, his pelvis, his back. Severide was forced away as Casey scrambled to grab his own limb, he clutched at the flesh beneath his worn thin joggers, his nails were going leave angry marks on his skin. He swore as the pain wrecked his body.

Severide was still kneeling on the floor, he'd done this, he'd this to Casey, he deserved the throb of pain he felt radiating from his nose, Casey could still throw the best right hook, he was overwhelmed with guilt, he should have known taking away the painkillers would not have solved a single thing, but he'd also known that approaching Casey and just coming right out and speaking his mind wouldn't have done the trick either.

"Hang on baby…" he said to Casey, pushing himself to his feet and racing up the stairs to his old bedroom, now it was just used for storage. He grabbed the drugs from where he had left them on the shelving and took them back down to Casey. He'd intended to let him have them at suitable intervals so there was no chance of Casey overdosing on them but his plan had quite obviously failed, he realised now that he'd gone about it all the wrong way.

Casey was still on the bedroom floor when he returned, his eyes were closed and there were small occasional moans escaping his lips, he was too exhausted to move. Severide got down on the floor and Casey avoided his gaze.

"Strongest you've got," he told him, holding two of the pills in front of him. Casey made no move to take them so in the end Severide held them to his lips, "Come on baby, I need you to take these." Once Casey had taken the pills with a small sip of water Severide sat back against the bed frame and pulled Casey into his arms. "I'm sorry Matt."  
  


* * *

 

Casey hadn't fully realised what had happened right away. Severide had just shrugged off his bruised face, blaming it on an incident at work, and he wouldn't have mentioned it at all if the bruise hadn't showed up so badly. At the time Casey had been told he just accepted it, he'd still been exhausted as he'd woken up groggily the morning after it had all happened.

Severide found Casey on the couch in the early hours of the morning a few days after the incident. "Coming back to bed?" he asked, perching down on the coffee table in front of Casey, "Do you want something to help you sleep? Or I can give you a bath? That helps sometimes, right?"

"It was me, wasn't it?" Casey said quietly, not looking Severide in the eye.

"What are you talking about baby?" he forced a smile, still hoping Casey wasn't going to work out the truth.

"I can remember Kelly. Either that or I just had one hell of a crazy dream," Casey went on, and before Severide could think of a suitable reply, let alone say anything, he added, "I know it wasn't a dream. The bruise on your face isn't from work."

"It was my own fault…"

"Don't do that," Casey shook his head, "Don't take the fall."

They both sat there in silence, neither knowing where this conversation was heading, both of them wanting it not to end badly. Severide knew just how thin Casey's patience levels were worn these days and it wasn't his fault. "We were both wrong," Severide began, "I'm not upset by what happened, well , I am but I understand and I think you do too? It's not the end of the world."

"I'm sorry about the pills, I'm sorry I have to take them, I don't want to…"

"I know, I know," Severide nodded, "Taking them is not a bad thing because it means you get through the day feeling all right, yeah?"

"Yeah," he nodded back.

"Ok then," Severide stood up and moved Casey's crutches, "Let's get back to bed then."  
  


* * *

 

More days passed by but the heavy weight on Casey's shoulders didn't lessen. He felt like he was walking around on eggshells, Severide felt exactly the same. The situation wasn't comfortable, it was an odd place to be in because for the most part the two of them had always been very open with each about their expectations, wishes and needs. Casey wasn't sleeping and he wasn't looking to Severide for comfort, he wasn't waking up and slipping himself into the strong arms that slept beside him, he was lying awake trying to be as silent as possible so he didn't disturb Severide, he wasn't already enough of a burden at the moment.

Severide dropped his keys on the side table and chucked his coat on the rack when he arrived home after work one morning. He could smell cooking. "Pancakes?" he smiled when he saw Casey in the kitchen. He went straight over to him.

"Strawberry," Casey spoke as he turned to face him, spatula in one hand as the other hand remained on the counter, balancing himself. "They're still your favourite, right?"

"They are," he smiled, walking up to him, touching his arm affectionately. "What have I done to deserve all this?" he asked, looking at the spread on the table, fruit, cereal, fresh juice and coffee.

Casey just shrugged, "Nothing, well, everything but it's not for anything." He turned back to the pan where the pancakes sizzled temptingly, he smiled, "Sit down, they'll be ready soon."

It wasn't long before Casey was tipping the freshly cooked pancakes onto Severide's plate. "These look great baby," he told Casey.

"They're just pancakes," Casey said as he sat down, "I have so much time on my hands I should start making better stuff for you, roasts and stuff…"

"You don't have to cook for me," Severide told him as he tucked into the delicious breakfast, "I like it when we cook together."

"Oh do you want cream?" Casey asked, suddenly remembering he'd left it over on the counter.

"No, they're perfect as they are," he responded.

"Good, that's good," Casey spoke with an even tone, watching intently as Severide cut another mouthful and ate heartily.

"Didn't you make enough for yourself?" Severide asked casually, realising Casey was just sitting watching him but not eating. Casey and food was still a sore subject but at least he was following the doctor's advice and had begun to gain some weight so Severide was careful not to make an issue of it.

"My stomach's been acting up this morning," Casey admitted as he picked up an apple from the bowl, "I've had a bottle of Ensure though and I'll have some fruit now." Severide's shock must have shown on his face as Casey added, "You don't need to look so surprised, it was just a short phase apparently."

Severide just nodded, no need to say anything more, and went back to the stack of pancakes and strawberries in front of him.

"Do you want another coffee?" Casey asked once he'd finished the apple.

"I'm good," Severide replied.

"More pancakes? I can whip up another batch?"

Severide placed his fork down on the plate and looked to Casey. "We need to talk about the other day…" he spoke carefully.

"We did," Casey's voice was quiet and he fidgeted uncomfortably, wishing that Severide had just taken him up on his offer of more pancakes so he could avoid the matter for a while longer. He'd been trying to delay the inevitable, trying to avoid the discussion he knew was coming on the subject of his painkiller use, but he knew the conversation hadn't ended and he would have to face it sooner or later.

"Hardly," he shook his head, "We need to talk properly Matt, this is a serious…"

"Don't leave me," Casey said suddenly and out of the blue. His voice broke as he spoke. He was watching for Severide's reaction, his eyes betrayed his emotion.

Severide was genuinely shocked at Casey's heartfelt outburst. "What?" he frowned.

"Please don't," Casey was shaking his head and Severide could already see where this was going, if he didn't intervene he was sure Casey would work himself up into a panic. "I said I was sorry, please don't leave, I won't ever do it again. I'm sorry…" he spoke frantically. Casey sounded so incredibly frightened now as his emotions took over and he lost conscious control.

"Matt stop," he reached over and grabbed the hand that was shaking, holding it between his own. "Listen to me," he looked steadily across into Casey's scared eyes, "I'm not going to leave you. I love you."

"I hit you," Casey shook his head, "I hit you…"

"I've hit you before too, so let's just say we're even now," he smiled.

"You had every right to…"

"Matt stop, you're working yourself up, just take a…"

"You will leave me, I know you will, you'll find someone to have a family with… I should go, I can't… I just… I didn't want any of this! I didn't want this! This was the plan! It was never the plan… I can't do it… I hit you because I can't do it… I can't do it anymore… I can't… I can't…" Casey's breaths quickened and they were soon catching in his throat, "I don't want this…"

Severide could only watch as Casey's face became scrunched up in distress, as if he were in pain. Tears had sprung into his eyes and he Severide could only watch as Casey's face became scrunched up as if he were in pain and sweat trickled down his forehead. Tears had sprung into his eyes and he wasnt hearing a word Severide was saying. wasn't listening to a word he was saying, he was oblivious to him. "C'mon baby…" Severide continued soothingly, "Come back to me…"

"I'm sorry…" his red rimmed eyes opened, finally trying to focus on Severide.

"I'm not going to leave you," Severide repeated, taking Casey's hands in his own. Casey had started to calm a little and so Severide seized his chance. "Let's get you back into bed, huh? We can spend the rest of the morning there," he said gently as he stood up. He took Casey's hands again and helped him up.

"I'll just get some codeine…" Casey mumbled wearily as he limped beside Severide, letting him take some his weight.

"You won't need it, trust me," Severide told him mysteriously with a small smile.

Casey shook his head. "Not in the mood for that," he murmured.

"Not in the mood for what? You don't know what I'm gonna do yet," Severide smiled, sitting Casey down at the edge of their bed, "Just lie down and let me do this, ok?"

"What are you doing?" Casey asked wearily as Severide slipped down his trousers.

"Shh..." Severide soothed.

Casey sank himself back onto the bed and Severide took off his prosthetic, then slipped the sweatshirt over his head so he was left just in his boxers. He helped him to turn over onto his front, taking care not to cause him any pain. Casey's panic attacks exhausted him and he felt as though he had run a marathon without ever moving from his chair.

Severide lifted the small bottle of massage oil from the nightstand and shook some of the golden liquid onto his hands, warming them with his breath before he placed them gently onto the muscles in Casey's back, smoothing out the knots of tension in him. He moved to Casey's lower back with only a light touch, then his arms, and finally his residual limb and left leg, stretching out his calf and hamstring muscles. A small noise in his throat was the only sound Casey made, the only thing that indicated he was even awake. Severide only stopped once he was sure Casey was asleep and he gently moved him onto his side, slipping the oxygen he still slept with over his face. There was no telling how long he would be pain free but for now at least he could escape reality and just sleep. He pulled up a blanket over Casey's body and then took off his own clothes and crawled into his side of the bed, drifting into a comfortable, easy sleep, knowing Casey was feeling better.  
  


* * *

 

The days went by and the bruise on Severide's face had faded away but the reasons behind it were still there, still playing on Casey's mind even after all their conversations and all of Severide's reassurances. Their home life had improved though, Casey wasn't trying to avoid Severide all the time, he was still embarrassed by his own actions but had started to relax around him once again.

"Kel, how about you just look after them," Casey spoke suddenly. They were sitting on the couch after having a small dinner, watching TV.

Severide paused the TV and looked to him, "Look after what?"

"All my extra meds," he replied, "Then you can keep an eye on me but… but you can't not give me them? Right?"

"I won't give you the painkillers if you've had too many," Severide said, almost warningly.

"And how many is that?"

"I think when you hit the daily allowance we should try other stuff first, the TENS machine, massage, shower... How does that sound?"

"Like a good plan," he shrugged, "I suppose."

"We can try it at least, can't we?" Severide nodded, "And when I'm on shift I can… I dunno leave some out and hide the rest." He hadn't want to use the word hide but there wasn't another word for it, he didn't want Casey to accidently, or even purposefully, overdose on the drugs because of the pain he felt.

"I never wanted any of this," Casey spoke quietly.

"I know," he responded.

"My pain tolerance has dropped so much," Casey shook his head, annoyed.

"You're pain levels have increased and you've used the meds for so long now your body was bound to get used to them. It's not your fault."

"Yeah, I guess."

"If I notice your reliance on them getting worse…"

"How can it get worse?" Casey asked, exasperated.

"Well you're not doing what I did yet so it can get worse, trust me," Severide spoke, "But I won't let it."  
  


* * *

 

When Severide arrived home he smiled at the sight he found. Casey was sitting on the couch with a book, wearing his red hoody. "You gotta stop wearing my clothes," Severide teased, still smiling. The red hoody, Severide's favourite hoody, almost drowned Casey but it was warm and comforting. Severide's smell comforted him when he was away, it made him feel safe and secure.

"Good morning to you too," Casey grinned, looking up from his book.

"You look good," Severide said, almost surprised, as he sat down next to him.

He shrugged self-deprecatingly, "Slept through the night."

"You did?" Severide grinned.

He nodded, smiling at Severide's reaction, "Uh huh, first time in weeks."

"That's great, really Matt," Severide took his hand. "I…" he paused, he hadn't thought this through but he wanted to tell Casey straight away so he went on, "I picked up something on my way back."

"Picked up what?" Casey asked, curious.

Severide stood up, disappeared for a moment and then placed a large envelope on the coffee table in front of Casey. He watched as Casey gazed down for a moment before picking it up and sliding the contents out. He watched for a reaction as Casey discovered the contents. Casey's face lit up, "Adoption papers?"

"Yeah," he nodded.

"Really?"

"Yeah, really," Severide repeated, "I thought we could have a look through, fill them in, get an appointment to see what it's all about because I want to have a family with you Matt. You'll be such amazing dad and there's nothing I want more."

Casey's smile faded a little. "We can make it work?" he asked quietly, glancing down at his legs. It said a lot. It wasn't just his physically injuries that worried him but his mental injuries too.

"We can make it work."


	37. Fall

Casey and Severide were both nervous and excited as they were taken along a bright corridor to one of the offices at the end, the young man they'd been following knocked on the door and a voice called for them to go in. He ushered Casey and Severide inside and the lady sitting at the large desk thanked the man who then left them. She stood up and extended a hand, they both shook it heartily.

"Hi," she greeted them with a broad smile, "Have a seat, it's great to finally meet you both."

They both sat down in the comfy padded chairs, and Casey balanced his crutches against by his side.

"How are you both?" she asked, looking from one to the other.

"Good, thank you," Severide responded. Both of them were wondering how this was going to go but they were quickly put at ease.

"Happy to hear it. This is all just a bit of a formality. A meet and greet so to speak, just so I can find out your expectations and hopes, and I can let you know how everything will proceed. As your adoption co-ordinator everything goes through me," she began, opening up their file that had been started as soon as they had submitted the adoption application papers a few weeks back. "If you've got any questions whilst we go through everything then just ask," she smiled.

They spent some time going over all their details, ensuring the paperwork was all completed correctly, getting to know each other as they went along. Casey and Severide's fingerprints were taken for the criminal records check and they discussed the requirements for them to become licensed foster and adoptive parents. They would have to undergo a physical soon so they talked about all the concerns and worries that Casey had in respect of his health. They discussed his needs and problems, not wanting to hold back on anything that could affect their chances for adoption even though he'd rarely spoken so openly to anyone but Severide and his care team before. Severide and Casey wanted to be honest and open about everything right from the start. That was everything apart from their own concern about Casey's current drug use because as far as Severide knew now they'd managed to get on top of it.

"Well gentlemen," she spoke, "I'm not gonna lie to you. This could be a long drawn out process and it certainly won't happen overnight, but from what I can see so far, I don't know of any reason why your application won't be successful. And you're both committed to this, I can see that, and both of you will be able to complete the required twenty-seven hours of training?"

Both of them nodded at the same time, smiling. "Of course," Casey responded.

"Ok, well, let's get the ball rolling then," she smiled, "I'll get you both enrolled onto a course, there's one starting next month. It'll take around ten weeks or so to complete, then we have to get your home checked out and any changes or adaptations made. Then it's references, and go from there. You seem like a great couple so I hope this should all go smoothly for you."  
  


* * *

 

During their car journey home they spoke little about the visit to the adoption agency office, they were both were processing, still feeling nervous about their prospects, nervous because it was something they both wanted badly and Casey was already doubting his abilities.

"Maybe we should get married?" Severide voiced his thoughts tentatively.

"You don't sound so sure," Casey responded, smiling a little.

"Well we've talked about it for a long time now and with all this adoption stuff it could help, getting our commitment to each other down on paper," he replied.

"I don't want to rush it, I don't to do just because it'll make things easier," Casey replied honestly, "It's probably selfish of me but I just… I just want to be in a better place, and I don't want to do it for any other reason than the simple fact that we love each other and at this stage what's it gonna look like if we get married?"

"That we were doing it to get a kid… or that we want a family so much we just went out and got married," Severide held back for a moment, "Matt if you just don't want to get married I don't mind if that's the reason. I thought at one stage that's what you wanted?"

Casey sighed audibly. "Maybe we shouldn't be doing this at all," he shook his head, brows furrowed in thought, "I just said that I wanted to be in a better place… I'm not in a good place, am I?"

"Stop doubting yourself so much, we'll just see how it all plays out, all right? We'll just take things as they come, and cross any bridges as we go along," Severide replied, eyes on the road as he placed a hand on Casey's left thigh. "Not to sound condescending but I think you're doing better at the moment," he looked over at Casey and smiled, "You say you're not in a good place but I think you're getting there again, don't you?"

"Going back the shrink was a good idea I guess," Casey replied with a small self-deprecating shrug of his shoulders.

"I'm glad you decided to do it," he replied.

"Me too," Casey nodded, it hadn't really been a decision though, he knew he had to try and do something. It had been over a month since Casey had hit Severide, it wasn't what he wanted but Casey knew he needed to try and do something about his panic attacks again so he'd gone back to the psychiatrist even though he hated the idea of it. He did hate being so reliant on Severide though, so dependent, he hated how weak he'd become, he used to be so much stronger, used to be able withstand much more and now just the mere thought of Severide leaving him sent him into a downwards spiral even though really he knew Severide wasn't going to leave, he'd proved that to Casey so many times now. He smiled and added, "It's not gonna be much longer now until the meds are reduced so that will help a lot too, if they ever try to up them again I think I'll hit someone."

"Well you do seem to be coping better anyway," Severide replied honestly as he pulled up into their parking space, "And better with the meds too."

"Yeah, must have started to get used to them which means…"

Severide guessed just where Casey was going with this one and he interrupted him mid-sentence. "You won't get withdrawal symptoms, they're not just gonna stop them or reduce them drastically," he reassured him.

"Do you think I'll pass the physical?" Casey questioned as Severide turned off the engine, thinking back to the requirements they'd need to make to get their adoption licence.

"I think you'll pass with flying colours, it's not a CFD physical, you just need to be healthy," he smiled.

"I'm not exactly healthy," Casey commented, "Physically and mentally…"

"You're not dying and you won't be dying in the near future," he spoke.

"Thanks to you," Casey replied, thinking about things could have been if Severide hadn't managed to contact his mom. "My heart's still crappy though and my immune…"

"Matt," Severide stopped him, "Stop overthinking it all. Like I said, we'll just take things as they come."  
  


* * *

 

Severide was sitting at the island counter in their kitchen finishing his breakfast of granola and yoghurt. His hair was still damp from the hot shower he'd taken after the lakeside run he'd done earlier. He still wished that Casey was able to go running with him like he used to but knew in his heart he wasn't sure it would ever happen. These days it seemed a struggle for Casey to just keep himself walking and standing upright with his crutches. It was getting towards the end of March and the weather was improving slowly. Come April Casey would be able to go out a little more, it was too risky for him going out on his own on frosty ground unless he was in his wheelchair and even when the ground was better he just felt the cold way too much. Severide was sipping his juice, savouring the tang of the orange, every so often turning to check on Casey who was doing a bit his own workout with the weights they owned. It was paramount that he kept on top of his upper body strength and fitness because it made his life much easier for him.

After a while Casey started tentatively walking up the first eight or so steps of the spiral staircase that led to the spare room. Severide watched him. "Got your brace on under them?" he asked, eyeing up his loose joggers. "Matt?" he questioned again, Casey was using all his concentration on his movements.

"Don't need it," Casey replied after moment, he'd not put it on because sometimes he felt like it hampered his abilities although Severide knew without the brace his leg hurt more but he'd probably taken quite a bit of pain medication before his workout.

Severide decided not to say anything, "Well… just be careful, all right?"

"Uh huh…" Casey nodded, slowly making his way upward, one hand clutching the rail, the other gripping the crutch.

Severide finished breakfast, washed up and grabbed yesterday's newspaper before settling down on the couch to catch up with the sport and events. He'd only been reading for a short time when he heard a crash. His head shot up from the just in time for him to watch helplessly as Casey fell down the last three steps, he landed awkwardly at the bottom with a grunt.

"Matt!" he jumped straight up and practically dived over to where Casey was crumpled. Severide fell to his knees, grabbing Casey's arm. "Jesus Matt... you ok?" he asked whilst looking him up and down, checking him over, "Don't move. Just take it steady."

Casey looked up at him, his eyes were almost tear filled. He mumbled, "Sorry…"

"Are you all right?" he repeated.

"Yeah…" Casey sighed, "I'm fine."

"Sure?" Severide questioned, still holding his arm.

"Oh…" he breathed, gazing down at his lower half, "My knee's not bent that much since I dislocated it…"

"Have you dislocated it?" Severide asked quickly, worried.

"No…" he said, gazing down at his leg, "Can't move it though, could you…"

"Matt I'll hurt you," Severide warned him, hating the idea of having to pull his leg from under him and straighten it out, but he realised he'd have no choice but to do it anyway.

"Well I can't stay like this," he shrugged a little.

Soon Severide had Casey lying on the couch with a couple of ice packs strapped around his knee and ankle, his head rested on Severide's lap. One of his hands was on Casey's chest, idly stroking it as the other was running fingers comfortingly through Casey's shaggy soft blond hair.

"Why did you apologise?" Severide asked gently, his soft eyes meeting Casey's.

"I hate it when you see me fall or hurt," Casey answered him simply and sincerely.

"I hate it when you are hurt and in pain, doesn't mean you should apologise," he spoke.

"I know, it was…" he paused, searching for the right word.

"Automatic," Severide finished for him, smiling. He went on, "How are you feeling now?"

"Sore… tired," he responded.

"Well I have half a solution then…"

"Close my eyes?" a small smile curled the corners of Casey's lips.

Severide leaned down and gave Casey's forehead a light kiss, "Yeah baby, close your eyes."

Casey woke with a start. His eyes flashing open wide. He was still lying on the couch, head still on Severide's lap, only now the soft look in his eyes had been replaced with worry

"Hey, hey, hey…" Severide began, "You're all right, you're ok…"

"Wha…" Casey struggled to find a voice. His throat felt dry and raspy, "What… what's goin' on?"

"You were having one hell of a dream, couldn't wake you, you're all right now, you're all right," Severide was stroking Casey's arm softly, calming him down, "Ok?"

Casey's quick breaths had lessened but he could still feel his heart pounding in his chest. He nodded even though he didn't feel all right. The world felt like it had been tipped on its axis, he couldn't even remember what he'd been dreaming about. Severide knew that Casey most certainly wasn't fine and all he wanted to do was take away all the pain and stress so he just sat in silence, holding him as close, pressing him to his own body, hoping the closeness would calm Casey. After some time Casey pushed himself away from his chest. When Casey moved himself away Severide stood up and left him but quickly returned.

"Bet you need more painkillers," Severide announced quietly as he sat back down, "They'll help with your leg."

"I'm…"

Severide spoke over him, "You're not all right. Take these and I'll get you tucked up in bed, I've turned the heated blanket on."

"Heated blanket?" Casey smiled tiredly as he took the pills from Severide's hand, "That does sound good… I must be getting old."

"Or you're just a little broken," he commented.

"Hmm… yeah, maybe broken," Casey said after swallowing the pills dry despite the glass of water Severide had brought. "Help me up then," he batted his eyelids and put on his best puppy dog eyes, making Severide pull a face.

"So demanding," he mocked, threading an arm around Casey's waist and half lifting him onto his unsteady feet.

Casey soon settled into the bed, the warm fuzzy feeling the strong painkillers produced had begun although the pain relief was nothing like it had been in the past and he knew it would wear off all too quickly.

Severide lay next to Casey, propped on one elbow, watching him, just wishing he could turn time back and get Casey out of the building before the second bomb had gone off but he didn't voice his thoughts, there was no point in wishes and what ifs.

"Do you remember what happened?" Severide asked, "Want to talk about it?"

"In my dream… nightmare…" he shrugged, "Don't remember."

"I wish I could banish them forever," Severide spoke.

"You do," he smiled.

Severide wrapped his arm around Casey as he moved into his embrace, he kissed the top of his head, taking in his scent and smiling.

"You're lucky I washed my hair yesterday," Casey grinned, his face resting against Severide's chest.

"Are you still struggling to shower?" he asked, concerned.

Casey shook his head. Severide only just heard his reply, it was mumbled into his chest, "It's just a lot of effort."

"I'm happy to help, you don't have to struggle," he told Casey.

"I know," Casey spoke, "I'm not really struggling that much and if I can't even do that on my own then I can't do much."

"Yeah, I get that," Severide replied. He rested his chin on top of Casey's head, playing absent-mindedly with some strands of blond hair

"I don't know if I'll go back to work again," Casey said quietly, "Do you mind?"

"Matt, it's entirely up to you," he replied, "You have the right to choose. I'm just happy you're here."

"I want to work," Casey said with a hint of determination.

"How about doing a little construction, nothing major, or some decorating? You can do as much as you can then, it can just be one job every so often, you don't need to rely on it for a living," Severide suggested, "Or how about doing some handmade pieces for people, some commissions."

"Carpentry?"

"Yeah, you're gonna run out of things to make for the apartment, already have really, we'll run out of space soon," he smiled, "You've picked it up quickly, you're good, ya know?"

Casey leaned back and peered up at Severide, his eyes narrowed, "You have to say I'm good, I'm your boyfriend."

"Nah I'm honest with you," Severide responded, "Like, for example, you're shit at walking up stairs."

Casey laughed and Severide sat up, letting go of him, "Hey, where do you think you're going?"

"Hang on, I'll be back," Severide stated, "I want to show you something."

When Severide walked back into the bedroom Casey was sitting up, leaning against the headboard for support. The cats had made their way onto the bed too. Pumpkin was lying over Casey's left leg on the bed, and Midnight was on the floor entertaining herself with a stray sock, pouncing on it then moving it a little and pouncing again.

He got back onto the bed and placed the file into Casey's hand. "What's this?" Casey asked slowly, looking at the Northwest Memorial Hospital logo.

"Old scans and images of your legs," Severide told him, "Kept them, thought maybe you'd want to see them, then I realise you probably wouldn't but now…"

"Now?" Casey repeated, still looking down at the file.

"Now I think they might be helpful… helpful for your head," Severide replied, "What do you think?"

His hand moved a fraction but he didn't open the file, "I don't know."

Severide took the file back, "I want to prove something to you. I want to show you how much you've improved and I want to show you why things aren't easy, why you don't need to apologise for needing help. Can I show you?"

Casey glanced down at his lower half before responding quietly, "All right."

"I'm going to show you in order, ok?"

"Have you looked at them before? How did you get the file?" Casey questioned, a small frown on his otherwise passive face.

"Requested it on your behalf when you were…"

"High on narcotics?" Casey hazarded a guess, making Severide nod and smile. "Have you looked at them?" he asked again.

"Only when I was shown them in the hospital, I've not seen them all," he replied honestly.

"You've not looked through?"

"No," he shook his head, "Needs to be your decision."

After a few thought-filled moment Casey responded, "All right then."

"Ok," Severide gave a quick nod, opening the folder and taking out the first scan sheet and holding it up to the light, reading the information and date stamp on it, "This was taken in the ER the day of the bomb… It's your right leg."

Casey stared up at the x-ray. He swallowed, "It's… it's just… shattered. There was hardly anything left… it doesn't even look like a leg…"

"Yeah," Severide spoke. He pulled out the next film, "Your left leg."

"Doesn't look much better?" he said, half-questioning.

"No, it doesn't," Severide replied.

"And my pelvis?" he asked as Severide took out two more films.

"This is before… and this is after," Severide explained as he held them up after one another.

Casey smiled a little, self-deprecatingly, "I really am held together with rods, plates and screws. There's more images?"

"Yeah," Severide nodded.

"I don't want to see them, not yet."

"Ok," Severide slipped the other films back into the folder with those they had looked at and placed it on the nightstand. He turned back to Casey and smiled, "They weren't sure you'd walk, remember?"

Casey nodded, "I didn't think I would at all."

"But you are walking, you did it."

"Mostly," Casey shrugged.

"Admittedly you've had a lot of setbacks," he pointed out.

"I'm still determined to run, well, maybe do a slow jog," Casey laughed a little, "I mean, I'm not walking too great at the moment so I'm nowhere near jogging…"

"Yet," Severide added encouragingly.

He grinned, "I get out of breath walking to the bathroom."

"You should give yourself more credit," Severide replied. "Are you happy?" he asked suddenly.

"Of course I am," Casey responded.

"Why are you happy?" Severide asked curiously.

"You don't need a reason to be happy but I guess having you by my side certainly helps… why? Are you not happy?"

"I just want to make sure you are, you'd tell me if you weren't?"

"You're the only person I would tell," Casey replied sincerely and he knew how much it meant to Severide. "I love you," he added.

"I love you too," Severide smiled, kissing Casey's forehead. He decided it was time for a conversation change, something more light-hearted before he would try and persuade Casey to get some more sleep. "You wanna hear something funny?" he asked.

"All right," Casey smiled, intrigued.

"You remember that paramedic from years back?" he asked, "The one who got suspended for sticking a needle in a girls heart? Dawson or something?"

Casey frowned, only vaguely remembering the incident. "Who?" he asked, not recalling the paramedics name.

"Well doesn't really matter, anyway, she attempted to apply again for EMT training but the board refused it and according to Otis she went and smashed a window," Severide informed him.

"According to Otis?" he scoffed when he heard the source of the information.

"He can be reliable sometimes," Severide replied.

"She smashed a window? Bit dramatic…" he commented.

"Uh huh," Severide laughed, "Maybe you should try it."

"Nah, I'll stick to plasterboards. Safer," he joked. He frowned again, "How did she smash it?"

"Ah… so you do like gossip?" Severide grinned.

"I live vicariously through you so yes," he nodded, "Give me all of the gossip."

"You can have some more gossip when you've had some more sleep," Severide told him.

"Sleep? It's the middle of the day," he protested.

"Just lay with me," Severide spoke quietly.

Casey gazed at him for a few moments before smiling softly, "Thank you."


	38. High

"Matty?" Severide called as soon as he stepped into the apartment. The door closed behind him. He dumped his bag on the floor, threw his jacket on the coat rack, chucked his keys onto the side table and kicked his boots off.

Casey popped his head out from the bathroom, "Morning… why are you so happy? And why are you late? Shift overrun?"

"Just had an errand to run," he replied cheerily, "You sleep all right?"

"Yeah, through the night after our phone call," Casey replied honestly. He closed the bathroom door and started walking slowly over to the kitchen where Severide was now making up a fresh pot of coffee. He shook his head at Severide as he watched him work. "That stuff's not good for you," he commented, smiling.

"Yeah, you wouldn't be saying that if you could have it," Severide retorted.

"I could have it," he shrugged, "There are differing opinions on it."

"But better safe than sorry," Severide commented.

"True," he answered. He shook his head, "And I don't want to ever see another dialysis needle again."

"Gotta say I'm still impressed at how well you recovered, well, you still are recovering from the transplant," he told Casey, "You're doing well considering everything that could have gone wrong."

"Uncomplicated is perfect," Casey grinned.

"You're anything but uncomplicated Matthew Casey… but you are perfect for me," he responded.

Casey laughed, "What do you want?"

"I don't want anything," Severide protested loudly with mock horror at the suggestion.

"And I'm not complicated," he pouted in jest, sitting down on one of the stools at the island counter.

Severide just smiled and turned to pour a mug of coffee. "I'm not gonna answer that," he spoke. He sat down next to Casey with his steaming mug of coffee, "So today?" It was a simply question but there was so much behind those two words.

"I feel good," Casey responded.

"Good enough to go out do some exercise? Go for a walk?"

"Definitely," Casey smiled, "The weather looks good."

"It's cold but it's still early, should warm up a little," he replied.

"It's almost ten," Casey retorted.

"It's early somewhere," he shrugged.

Soon they were walking slowly along the lake front. There weren't many people were around, just a few dog walkers and cyclists here and there. There was no shelter from the bitter cold wind, Severide tried to take the brunt of it, shielding Casey.

They took a short break, sitting on a bench that faced out over one of the marinas. Casey stretched his hands out, they were a little sore despite the gloves he wore when he used his crutches for a prolonged period.

"So… I have gossip for you," Severide announced.

"Go on then," Casey smiled, happy to be sitting down after walking for half an hour. Even though he was wearing his brace on his left leg the pain had increased.

"Donna is pregnant," he told Casey, smiling.

Casey turned to him. "Really? That's brilliant, I bet Boden's happy," he grinned.

"He is," Severide nodded, "They're both over the moon."

"Still wish we'd not missed their wedding," Casey commented, looking over the lake.

"You couldn't help it, they understood," Severide replied, thinking back to the last summer and Casey's numerous hospital trips.

"How long were they together before they got married?"

Severide thought for a moment before responding, "About a year, maybe around eighteen months. Why?"

Casey just shrugged without looking at him. "No reason," he replied.

They walked back slowly along the lakefront to the parking lot. Casey's leg was troubling him now and Severide began to wonder if their walk had been a good idea, the cold always seemed to make things worse. Severide drove back since it would still be some time before Casey would be able to drive again. He kept an eye on Casey, glancing over from the road ahead every so often. He noticed Casey's expression change. He knew Casey was in pain but he decided to say nothing for now, there was nothing he could do about it so he simply placed his left hand comfortingly on Casey's right leg. Casey spent the rest of the journey with his eyes closed, leaning back against the headrest, his left hand massaging his leg in a vain attempt to alleviate the pain that was now making him feel sick.

At home they were sitting on the couch together, they'd decided to spend the rest of the day in the comfort of their apartment watching Netflix. Casey had taken off his prosthetic, he had no intention of doing anything more than staying in the apartment and his crutches alone would serve just fine, and as comfortable as the prosthetic was he preferred not to wear it unless it had to.

Severide kept his eye on Casey and he could see that the painkillers he'd taken once they'd arrived home were already wearing off. "How bad?" he asked simply. There was no need for anything more.

Casey shifted his head a little on the cushion behind him. He almost gritting his teeth as he spoke, "Won't lie, I would like some more painkillers now."

"C'mere…" Severide wrapped his arm around Casey and they shifted positions so that he was now lying with his head in Severide's chest. "I know what you're thinking," Severide told him, starting to massage his head, trying to distract him a little from the pain he was feeling, "And you should stop because this doesn't mean…"

Casey just cut him off abruptly. "Kelly, I can't look after a kid like this. I can't. It wouldn't be fair," he murmured, eyes now closed as Severide continued to massage his scalp and temples.

"Don't make any decisions whilst you're in pain," Severide told him, "We're gonna do all the training, we're gonna have this place inspected, we're gonna go through the whole process, all right?"

"So we can be disappointed… so I can disappoint you…"

"You'll never disappoint me Matt, never," Severide replied. "We have a good shot here, we could have a family, isn't that what you want?"

Casey nodded, "Always but I don't…"

"You're not being selfish so don't say it," he responded. Severide had an uncanny ability to just know what Casey what going to say next, to just know what was going through his mind. He smiled down at him, fingers gently stroking his hair back but his smile soon turned to a wince as he heard an involuntary moan escape from Casey's lips.

Casey felt Severide start to move. "Don't go…" he muttered, keeping his eyes closed.

"I'll be right back," Severide replied, gently slipping out from underneath Casey and laying him down on the couch. "I want to make you feel better," he said, "I hate this Matt. I hate that you're in pain. If I could take your pain I would."

Casey opened his eyes, "Wouldn't want you to have it."

"I'd take it anyway."

"I know you would," he smiled wearily.

"I'll be back," Severide repeated as he walked away, leaving Casey to let his eyes fall closed once more.

Casey soon heard something peculiar when Severide returned. It was a sound he had been familiar to many years ago. The flick of a lighter. He opened his eyes and frowned up at Severide. "What are you doing?" he asked. He saw the joint in Severide's hand, "Kel?"

"I said I want to make you feel better," Severide began, sitting back down as Casey pushed himself back up against the back of the couch. "This will help," he continued, "Temporarily at least."

Casey blinked, looking Severide up and down, trying to focus his brain despite the pain he was in. "Where did you get it?" he asked slowly, hesitantly, wondering what the answer was going to be.

"Does it matter?" Severide just shrugged. "Do you want it?" he offered the joint to Casey, "I'm gonna have some… and I know you want some, it'll help…"

Casey just offered him a small quiet smile as he took the joint from Severide and slipped it between his lips, taking a long drag. Severide was right he knew the exact effect the marijuana would have on him. He'd used it occasionally in the past, before joining the fire department. It had helped him to relax, helped him through some rough times, through his insecurities and had numbed the emotional pain he had suffered. He knew that it would just do the same for him now and it would reduce his physical pain because of the effect on his central nervous system. After a moment he was hit with the first wave of pleasure from the drug and he passed it back to Severide. Pretty soon they had finished it and were on to a second one.

Casey was lying on his back on the floor, it was well into the afternoon now, and Severide was beside him. They were both gazing up at the white painted ceiling. "What am I gonna do?" Casey asked. His words were heavy and drawn apart.

Severide just smiled sloppily, "What are you gonna do about what?" He reached out his left hand and stroked Casey's arm.

"I dunno… I erm… just this… what am I gonna do? I like this. Nothing really hurts. It's like a… dunno… like a cloud… I don't want to hurt… but I… but I don't want to chop it off… you can't let them…"

"What are you talking about?"

"If I tell them they'll chop it off…"

Severide was about to respond when the door buzzer went off. Severide staggered to his feet and went to the intercom, "Hey…"

It was Shay and Severide didn't have the capacity to stop her from coming up to their apartment, he didn't even think about the state they were in when he buzzed her up. Only a few minutes later she was at the door. Severide opened it with a huge smile on his face and was somewhat confused when his greeting wasn't reciprocated.

Shay's sharp eyes were checking around the apartment the second she stepped inside. "Kelly…" she began, taking in the scene, and knowing full well what was going on from the smell that hit her the moment the door had opened. Now she could see Casey lying on the floor with his eyes half open, seemingly so dazed that he hadn't noticed her arrival. "What have you done?" she questioned Severide, although she knew exactly what had happened. Severide remained silent, standing off to one side as Shay walked over to Casey, "Matt, you all right?"

It took Casey a few moments to realise that there was someone kneeling next to him and that it was Shay. "Hey... Shay…" he greeted, holding up the joint in his hand, "S'good stuff..." He was about to take another drag when she reached over and took it from him. "Gotta give it back…" he pulled a childish face, pouting deliberately.

"Matt, look at me, look at me, hey..." she had slipped into paramedic mode as she tried to get his attention, wanting to check him over and make sure he wasn't suffering any major side effects from the drugs.

"Ok… had your turn…" he was muttering now, trying to reach for the joint she still held, "It's mine…"

"Let's get you up onto the couch, ok? Lying down here can't be very comfortable," Shay spoke with an air of authority, as if she was talking to a victim she would me out on a call.

Severide had followed Shay over to where Casey still lay on the floor, plonking himself down heavily on the couch, he realised how angry she was with him and was now covering his mouth with one hand, and trying not to laugh at the state they'd got themselves into.

Casey was trying to push Shay away, insisting that he didn't need any help to get up off the floor but all he could manage in his current state was to get himself into a sitting position, and that was precarious at best. He looked as if he could topple back down at any second. He was completely incapable of getting up without help and he frowned, staring down at his lower half, as if only just realising there was only one leg there.

"Oh god... what happened?" he said quite suddenly, "Where did it go... my leg?" He looked up at Shay, his face a mix of fear and confusion.

"Matt..." she began, a little unsure how to react, that was until a huge grin spread across his face.

"Oh... I know," he said with an accentuated nod. "It went in the trash... they threw my leg away... 'cause it wouldn't work any more..." he laughed, hardly able to control it.

Despite her small stature Shay was strong and managed to get Casey upright and sit him bodily onto the couch next to his partner in crime. He slumped straight over onto Severide horizontally. The second Casey's face was a couple of centimetres from Severide he planted a sloppy kiss on his face, grinning wildly as he started fumbling to get Severide's shirt off.

"Matt stop..." Severide laughed, amused at Casey's attempt to initiate.

"You two need some privacy?" Shay asked sternly, just to remind them she was still there.

"Please Kel…" Casey pleaded, stroking Severide's chest, "You're so soft and lovely..." he spluttered with laughter again. Everything was just too funny right now and he felt amazing, as if he could fly if he jumped out of their window. In the midst of his laughter he planted a second kiss on Severide's face.

Shay touched Casey's arm, "Matt, stop it. I'm serious." Then she spoke to both of them, "You two just need to go and sleep this off, ok?"

Casey turned to face Shay, who was now kneeling by the couch right beside him. He leaned over towards her and grabbed her jacket, pulling her towards him, so wanting to kiss her beautiful soft pink lips. His coordination failed and he slipped forward a little, partially falling off the couch, as he moved to kiss her. He'd only managed to catch her cheek, not his intended target, as she'd moved backwards to avoid him.

"Woah Casey…" Shay was holding his arms, but barely able to keep him from slipping down to the floor.

"Shay… I love you so..." he slurred, his mind was growing foggy. "Love you so much, you're like...erm like..." he couldn't think of the words he wanted.

"Like a sister, so let's knock off the snogging ok?" Shay had to laugh despite her annoyance at the two of them, and she shook her head, "Come on Matt, back on the couch then."

Once Casey was safely lying down again she gave him another quick once over, apart from him being obviously stoned and incapable of sense, his pulse being a little too fast, which she had expected, he seemed to be fine and just needed to sleep it off.

She pulled Severide over to one side of the room out of Casey's earshot, although she was fairly sure he was too out of it to hear or remember anything. "What in the hell are you playing at? Whose idea was this?" she questioned, she'd already made her assumptions.

Severide just looked at her, trying not to laugh.

"I'm serious Kelly. I just hope that you both feel so ill after it that you never do it again!'

"It wasn't Matty… Matty Matt… Matthew…" he laughed at his own words. "Was mine, all me…" it was taking a while for his thoughts to turn into words, "Why? You could have joined…"

Shay was still shaking her head, "Do you realised what you've done… what you could have done? You can't do this again. Do you have any left?"

"What's so wrong about it?"

"Kelly you had no idea if it would react with any of his meds, or exactly what you were giving him, there are proper channels to get this stuff, medical grade not just stuff off the street, what if you damaged his heart or it interacted with…"

"Shay, he's absolutely fine, stop fussing..." he started to say.

"His heart isn't fine, you know that, it didn't heal when he got the kidney, it just stopped getting worse… I can't believe you didn't think all this through… you can risk your career but you've risked his life, I didn't think you'd ever do that…"

"Shay…" Severide began, grabbing at her sleeve, "Shay…I didn't… I didn't risk his life… he was in pain, he is always in pain… I was just trying to help… that's all…"

They both heard Casey's voice mumbling something they couldn't make out. Shay headed back over to him and Severide trailing behind her. "You all right Matt?" she asked.

"Hungry..." he replied, nodding at her, eyes half closed, "I'm hungry."

Severide was staring at him, dejected and worried for all of two minutes despite the effects of the joints he had smoked. He then sat down heavily on the chair by Casey and burst into laughter again, unable to control it.

"I'll get you something to eat then you just need to rest," Shay told Casey, she placed a hand on his shoulder to stop him trying to move, quite sure that he was incapable of using his crutches right now.

Once Casey had eaten most of the sandwich she'd made she helped him to bed, hoping he would just sleep it off now and not suffer any ill effects in the morning but judging from the amount of stubs she'd collected from the floor she doubted it.

Shay was right. She'd decided that the best bet was for her to stay with them for the night as a precaution, just in case of any complications from the marijuana. Severide wasn't capable of looking after Casey or even himself for that matter so her presence was very much needed. She was sitting on the couch in the early hours of the morning when she heard retching sounds coming from the bedroom. She got up, knowing it could be either of them, since they were both trying to sleep off the drugs and she had finally managed to get Severide to go to bed despite his attempts to crack open a beer once Casey had fallen to sleep.

Casey had woken with what felt like the hangover from hell, the worst he had suffered in years, and he couldn't even remember having any alcohol. He pushed himself up in bed, which turned out to be a huge mistake. He was lightheaded and dizzy. He threw up over the side of the bed, narrowly missing the nightstand. From somewhere a plastic basin was shoved in front of him but it was too late, most of the damage had already been done.

"Sorry…" he muttered, wincing and scrunching up his eyes in reaction to the light now he was waking up a little more.

"Just stay still Matt, don't move, all right? Are you dizzy?" a female voice was asking him.

"Uh huh…" he answered, "Shay? What are you doin' here?"

"Long story," she told him, taking hold of one of his wrists and peering into his slightly reddened eyes, "Other than dizzy, you feel ok? How's your chest feel? Your pulse is still a little fast."

"Oh crap…" he mouthed in realisation, now remembering more details about the cause of his current predicament. "I feel awful…" he groaned.

"You should Casey, you both should. Might make you think twice before you do anything so stupid again," Shay said and she didn't even know they were currently going through the adoption process as well, it would have only added to her disappointed with their behaviour.

"Matty?" Severide grunted blearily from under the covers. He'd just woken and really hoped Casey didn't feel as bad as he did but it sounded as though he felt worse and considering how much he'd smoked that made sense.

"Hope you're gonna throw up as well," Casey grumbled to him, trying to swallow a little water from the glass Shay had passed to him

"Matt," Shay began, catching his attention, "It's 3am, you didn't have any meds last night. What are your doctor's instructions if you miss a dose?"

Casey just shook his head and closed his eyes, "Dunno."

"You don't know?" she frowned, "Kelly?"

Severide just shrugged, "Erm… think some of them can be taken within a few hours of the missed dose but not others… might be all right as long as the next dose is normal…"

"You two are useless," she stood up and left them to read up on Casey's medications.

Severide screwed up his nose, looking at Casey, "God… why does this place stink so bad?"

Casey ran a hand over his face. "Well…" he glanced down, "There's vomit on the floor and bought weed… maybe that should be the other way around… the weed caused the vomit. Yes. You bought weed and now there's vomit on the floor… and I feel so bad…"

Shay soon had Casey's medications sorted out and had given him the essential ones. Others had to wait until the next dose was due in a few hours. She cleaned up the floor, leaving the plastic basin on the nightstand by Casey, and once they were both asleep again she went back to the couch and lay down under a blanket to catch some rest herself. She wondered how much they would be able to remember about the whole thing, it certainly wasn't something she was going to forget.

When the morning came Severide already felt much better, so much so that he even made Shay a cooked breakfast, although he knew it wasn't going to repay her for all the help she'd done. "Guess I should say I'm sorry," he said, placing the plate in front of her.

She looked up from the table, "How's Matt?"

"Sleeping," he replied.

"That's probably best, he threw up a few times last night and almost fell out of bed," she recalled as she tucked into the food.

"He did?"

"You slept through most of it," 'she told Severide sternly, wagging her fork at him.

There was silence between them whilst Shay ate and Severide drank his second mug of coffee that morning. Shay finished her breakfast before speaking again, "I know why you did it Kelly."

"I'm not sure I know anymore," he chuckled a little.

"It did work, he wasn't in pain, none at all," she spoke, "You could see it in his eyes. Pain free. You know there are legal ways to go though, right?"

"I know but that would involve Matt being extremely open with the doctors, he admits he's in pain, he hardly ever lets on how much and he needs to or it's just gonna get worse… we started trying to limit his pain meds after having a… discussion…"

"And?" she encouraged.

"I can't not give him them, he can't function without them, sometimes he can't even function with them," he told her.

"You really need to get him to talk to the doctor again."

"Yeah," he nodded, "I really do."

Not long after breakfast Severide was sitting in bed next to Casey, who was looking a lot worse for wear but more alert and clear-headed.

"I'm sorry Matt," Severide began, "I should never have let you…"

"What are you talking about?" he turned stiffly to Severide, "Yesterday was great."

"You've been vomiting all morning and that stuff could have made you really ill, I should have thought…"

"I did think, I'm not stupid, I know what it does but it was nice, nice that you weren't thinking too much into it, you're always thinking about my health, always making sure everything's perfect but yesterday you just want to make me feel better and you did, and it was fun, some of it's completely blank but it was nice, it was…" he paused, searching for the right word, "It was carefree and I've not felt like that for a long time but yeah it could have done some damage so probably shouldn't do it again, not that way anyway."

"You forgive me then?"

"You don't need to be forgiven," he smiled. "Is Shay still here?"

"She's gone. I did breakfast for her, said sorry a million times…" Severide's grin didn't fade. Despite their apparent stupidity he still found the whole episode amusing.

Casey nodded, "Might give her a call then."

"There's no need…" he trailed off, "What d'ya wanna talk about?"

"I can't just call her?"

"Yeah, yeah, of course you can," he replied quickly, "Just… if there's something on your mind?"

"I already tell you everything Kelly, I'd just bore you," Casey just smiled back at him, but the way he spoke just seemed to suggest that there was more to this than Casey would let on.


	39. Change of Heart

Things seemed to be going well for Casey and Severide, or at least things seemed to be improving for them. April had come along with good news. Casey’s most recent check-up with the renal team had gone well, he really had recovered from the kidney transplant better than anyone could have expected. He was also only a few pounds from the goal weight that had been set for him despite all the irrational fears he’d had about gaining. Even with the pain he really did feel so much better than he had for a long time. He no longer suffered from the chronic anaemia he had lived with before the transplant and of course he no longer had to undergo the stress and discomfort of the dialysis any more, and the other side effects that had entailed, he was pleased to say it had been more than four months since his last session, he was glad to not see those large needles again.

Severide was still worried about Casey's overuse of painkillers but he also knew that he just couldn’t function rationally without them, sometimes he needed them to kick in before he could even get out of bed in the morning. After the incident with the cannabis Shay was probably more concerned about him than Severide, but she also knew Casey well enough to realise that they wouldn’t be able to get him to be completely open and honest with his primary care physician. She worried that Casey was in denial about his overuse of drugs but she didn’t speak to him. She couldn’t bring herself to intrude knowing how private a person Casey was. So like Severide she vowed to keep a close eye on him. It was a little easier for her because she wasn’t with Casey anywhere near as much as Severide was so she could see changes in him that Severide didn't really notice.

The painkillers were enabling Casey to move around with practised ease but he was using his crutches most of the time, even when he was wearing his prosthetic and the brace on his left leg. He needed the extra stability. Severide kept quiet when he saw Casey taking extra painkillers. They’d agreed a couple of months back that he would keep hold of them but that strict agreement had faded. Partly because he didn’t have the heart to refuse Casey when he said he really needed them. There had to be a measure of trust and he trusted Casey, he trusted Casey to talk to him. And partly because he hadn't taken the newly dispensed medications, Severide had just put them away with the rest of the medications leaving Casey free to take them when he wished. Casey knew that he had a problem, knew that he couldn’t get through even half a day without the strong painkillers, and it almost constantly played on his mind. He would often wait until he couldn’t stand the pain any longer before he would swallow down more pills than he knew he should, his body had adapted to them and he knew what would and what wouldn’t dull the pain.

Their regular date nights were back on. Casey was determined to make things normal again and keeping himself stuck in the apartment didn’t feel normal but it hadn’t been entirely his own doing, the antirejection drugs had played havoc with his body and mind, they still were but now that his body was used to them the effects weren’t seen quite so much. He still suffered from random tremors and stomach cramps but not nearly as much as before and the doctor had informed him that they’d soon be able to start reducing the doses.

They were sitting at a small table in a restaurant early one evening. Severide was glad to be out, he’d had a long day, his shift had overrun that morning and he’d not managed to get home until lunchtime. Casey had been at the therapist’s office when he’d arrived home so he’d not managed to see him until he surprised him and met him outside, giving him a ride home since he’d had to take a cab there.

“This is great Kelly,” Casey said in between mouthfuls of one of his favourite meals.

Severide smiled, pleased to see Casey eating well. “Good, thought you'd like it here,” he commented.

Casey took a sip of his drink, “So… they figured out that arson case from the other week?”

Severide shook his head, “Not yet.”

“Did you take another look around?”

“Nah,” he replied, “It’s gonna be a slow one, the owner’s cooperating with the cops but to be honest, still looks like it could have been an accident, well some squatters could have caused it but not on purpose.”

“At least no one died,” Casey said softly. His voice betrayed his sadness that he could no longer be on active duty.

“Yeah,” Severide nodded. “You ever given AI any more thought?” he asked after a moment.

“Nope,” he responded, “I know the basics of it all but…”

“You’d pick it up,” Severide insisted.

“I… I quite like what I’m doing,” he admitted slowly, “I know it’s not much of an income but…”

“You do?” Severide grinned at him, pleased that Casey had said something about how he was finding his new small venture into carpentry.

“Yeah,” he nodded, “I mean it’s never gonna be as good as running into a burning building but people seem to like the stuff and I like doing it, I like working with my hands…”

“Oh I know you do,” Severide laughed cheekily at that.

Casey wrinkled his nose in mock distaste, “Mind like the gutter.”

“Really though I am glad you found something.”

“Yeah, me too,” he smiled, “And you don’t mind me at the boat yard do you?”

“Are you kidding? You’re the best company,” Severide told him.

“Sometimes,” he shrugged self-deprecatingly.

“Well, ok, you have you bad days but so do I…”

Casey laughed, “Your bad days are nothing Mr Brooding Squad Lieutenant!”

“Brooding? I don’t brood…”

“You definitely do. For days on end,” he smiled, “Until you figure out or fix whatever it is that’s on your mind. It’s very adorable. See, I can call you adorable too.”  
  


* * *

 

The minute Severide arrived home from his shift Pumpkin and Midnight started fussing around him, as if he had been gone for days. The blinds were all still closed and the two cats were clamouring for food. He quietly took off his jacket and boots before he spotted Casey in the kitchen. “You look awful…” he commented, eyes fixed on Casey who was struggling to stay upright even with the walker. “Are you ok?” he asked. Casey slowly turned his head and Severide was shocked at how ill he seemed. He looked pale but his cheeks were flushed and his skin was sweaty, eyes darkened by shadows.

“I’m Sorry,” he muttered, grabbing the walker weakly.

“Why are you sorry?”

“I think I’m sick,” he replied, “Feel as rough as hell…”

“Well, c’mon on then you need to get back to bed, what are you even doing up if you’re sick?”

“Was thirsty…”

“You should have called me, I’d have come home right away,” he said as he helped Casey over to the couch since it was a shorter distance and he feared he would collapse.

“I know,” Casey replied, it was the precise reason he hadn’t called Severide yesterday afternoon, “I’m all right, not dying, it’s probably just a cold…”

“And you know what they told you about 'just a cold' baby. You gotta be careful... taken your temp?”

“99.5 last night,” Casey informed him as he sat down on the couch.

Severide placed the glass of water down on the coffee table, “You started taking…”

Severide didn’t need to say anymore, Casey nodded, “Yup, both lots of them.”

“Ok good.”

Casey smiled wearily, sinking back into the couch cushions, clearly not feeling at all well, “Got this whole being sick thing down to a t.”

“So get some of that water drunk and then you need to get to bed and be resting, all right?”

“Yes sir…” Casey said quietly, knowing he was right and picking up the tumbler.

Severide then went and picked up the two empty cat bowls and put their food out for them before hoisting Casey to his feet and onto his walker. He wrapped an arm round his waist to help get him into the bedroom. Sleeping on the couch would do him more harm than good.

Casey had managed to sleep for a few hours when he was rudely and annoyingly woken by Severide's voice and the bed cover being pulled back a little. “Go away…” he groaned, trying to pull the cover back up to his face.

“Open up Matty,” Severide spoke softly.

“No…” he groaned again.

“No?”

“Nope… nope… really not up to that… I’m sick…” he murmured, barely half-awake, “Don’t want your cock…”

Severide couldn’t hold back the grin that spread across his face. “How about a thermometer?” he asked, holding up the small instrument in his hand.

“Mmm… maybe…” came his muffled reply

Severide was soon taking the thermometer from Casey’s mouth. “You’re fever’s not too bad. How you feeling?” he asked, placing the back of his hand on Casey’s forehead.

“Just tired.”

Severide sat back, “All right, I’ll wake you in a few hours, ok?”

“Uh huh…”

Severide got no rest for thirty-six hours. He remained vigilantly by Casey’s side, he’d spoken to the doctor a few times and now that Casey’s fever had lessened as well he was satisfied he didn’t need to take him into the hospital. Casey’s throat had become so raw from the horrendous bouts of coughing that after he began to struggling to take all of his medications Severide started to crush up the pills for him.

He joined Casey in bed after helping him to shower. Wearily Casey moved over to him, laying his head on Severide’s bare chest. He smiled. “Why do you stay with me?” he asked, his voice drowsy and quiet, still a little hoarse.

“Because I love you,” Severide answered simply.

“Why do you love me?” he asked, “I just I don’t understand how you can.”

“You’re serious, aren’t you?” Severide had to smile at him. He guessed he was the only person in the world who knew that Casey actually needed some sort of reassurance, needed someone to tell him that whatever he was doing was right, otherwise self-doubt would plague him and the voices in his head would tell him he should be doing more, that he wasn't doing enough, that somewhere and somehow he was going wrong. “I love you because you are you,” he began thoughtfully, “You stand up for what you believe in, you stand up for other people, for those that can’t.”

“I don’t do that anymore.”

“But you would if you needed to, I know you would,” he nodded.

“Maybe.”

“You also have the most beautiful eyes I have ever seen in my whole life,” Severide smiled, “And those lips. My God… those lips…”

“So you just love looking at me?” he grinned.

“Those lips need more than just looking at,” Severide teased. He paused, thinking, before continuing, “You’re a lot stronger than you think you are. You won’t back down in a fight, even if everyone else thinks you’re wrong, and more often than not you are right in the end. You have this way of always seeing the good in people, this way of getting inside people’s heads, helping them. And plus, you’re super hot, and funny and perfect and kind and fiercely protective and you’re adorable, sometimes kinda like a puppy who…”

“A puppy who?” Casey urged when Severide trailed off, not really thinking about what he had started to say.

“A puppy who keeps getting kicked to the side, the runt of the litter, the one no one really expected much from… but look at you, look at everything you’ve done despite the odds being against you.”

Casey frowned, lifting his head and turning to face Severide. “I can’t decide if I should hit you or kiss you,” he laughed softly.

“So… why do you love me? It’s only fair to tell me now,” Severide grinned down at him, hand weaving through his blond hair.

“You put up with me,” he laughed before continuing, “You’re safe. I’ve never felt this safe with, well, with anyone else before.”

Severide’s hand stopped and rested on Casey’s muscular shoulder, “Have you always felt safe with me?”

“No,” he smiled, “But I trusted you.” He grinned self-deprecatingly, adding, “After a few years anyway.”

“Really?”

“Uh huh,” he nodded.

“Trust from you is a big thing,” Severide commented.

“Yeah but I love you so it’s easier,” Casey replied, “I do feel safe with you Kelly. Comfortable. And you’re stronger than you think too and super hot, you have the kindest eyes. And you’re warm…”

Severide grinned, “I’m warm?”

“Yeah your body is like furnace if I didn’t struggle to keep warm then I’d probably complain,” he laughed.

“You’re not too hot now?”

“My fever broke, remember, don’t worry about me.”

“You know I’ll always worry about you, right? Whether you’re sick or not.”

“I know.”  


* * *

 

  
It took Casey more than three weeks to fully recover but during those three weeks he went to the adoption and fostering course. Despite not feeling well he’d determined not to miss one single minute of it, mostly he’d not wanted to let Severide down although it had taken some persuading to leave the apartment. Severide had also finally succeeded in encouraging him to set up an appointment with his primary care physician who after a brief discussion with Casey set up a visit with the orthopaedist for more scans to confirm what he thought was almost certainly post traumatic arthritis. It took another two weeks of waiting before Casey was at the hospital having all the scans done and it would be another few days before he’d have appointment to discuss the results.

“How you doing?” Severide glanced over to Casey on their way home from the hospital. They had given Casey a small shot of Valium for the MRI scan to keep him comfortable while he was in the machine. He had started out determined to go without but had relented in the end and accepted the shot for his own well-being.

“It’s starting to wear off,” Casey replied.

“Still up for Shay’s party later?”

“Course I am,” Casey smiled.

“You don’t have to be, she’d understand,” he replied, focused on the road ahead.

Severide was giving him reasons not to go. Casey made a face, “Don’t you want me to come?”

“No,” Severide shook his head, “Of course I do, it’s just you’re really only just getting back to your usual self, don’t want to get another cold or anything.”

“I’m going Kelly, I want to, it should be a good night. Shay and her friends are great fun.”  


* * *

 

  
Shay's birthday party was being held at a small club the she loved in Bucktown. Lots of guests had already arrived and the place was busy when Casey and Severide got there. The room they were in was decorated with balloons and confetti was sprinkled on each of the tables. Someone had worked very hard to get it ready for her party. Severide and Casey managed to find Shay quite quickly, each of them giving her a hug before passing her a small gift bag and card.

“I’ll get us some drinks,” Severide told Casey, giving him a quick peck on the cheek before heading off to the bar.

When he walked back to where Casey stood, he couldn’t help but smile at how gorgeous he looked. The disco ball lights danced in his eyes and the white button down shirt he was wearing fitted him so perfectly despite losing some weight during his recent illness. He had it tucked into faded jeans, showing off the leather belt that had been a present from Shay for Casey's own birthday the year before. Severide thought his own heart might burst with love and pride for Casey. They had managed to get a knee brace on under his jeans so it didn’t show as he had been determined not to use his crutches and besides a slight limping gait no one would really be able to guess at the injuries he had suffered.

Severide walked up to him and smiled, “Fancy seeing you here. Matthew Casey, isn’t it? I'm Kelly Severide, Squad 3 Lieutenant.” Severide set the drink on the small table next to where they stood and extended a hand.

Casey shook it, smiling. “Good to see you again Kelly,” he responded, playing along.

“So… you seeing anyone at the moment then?” Severide asked mischievously.

He grinned, that beautiful dimpled smile that Severide loved so much, “Just checking out the sights. You?”

“Same. See anything you like?”

“Hmm…” Casey teased, glancing Severide up and down, “Not yet. Bit disappointed really.”

“Well, between you and me, think there could be some talent here later on...” Severide leaned in and whispered into Casey's ear.

He burst out laughing at that and turned to pick up the drink that clearly wasn't the beer. “What have you got me? Milk?” he asked, eyebrow raised.

“Very funny,” Severide shook his head, “It's pineapple juice.”

“Mmm tangy…”

“Yeah well with the amount of pills you’ve taken today one sniff of alcohol and you’d go into respiratory failure…” he trailed off, “Too much?”

“Maybe,” Casey said simply.

Severide just shrugged. “Wanna dance?”

“Can’t even walk,” he scoffed.

“C’mon, I’ll hold you up don’t worry.”

Severide managed to persuade Casey to dance for a short time. It hadn't been Casey's sort of thing before all of his injuries unless he'd had quite a bit to drink and lost his inhibitions, so it certainly wasn't something he was comfortable with now but he did it to make Severide happy anyway. Afterwards they sat around chatting to Shay and a few of her friends although proper conversation was difficult because the room was so busy and the music so loud.

“Kelly Severide?” a syrupy female voice came from behind where they were sitting and they both turned, each of them recognising the owner for the voice as she approached the table and they both stood up to greet her.

Casey’s eyes moved from her to Severide, watching his expression turn into a smile and it wasn’t a fake smile, not one he would just put on to be polite. She gave Severide a huge hug and a kiss on the cheek. Casey unconsciously stepped back away from them both. She was an ex-girlfriend. They’d not gone out for long, less than a month if Casey could remember correctly but it still felt like a deep pit had just opened up at the bottom of his stomach and he couldn't help but think back to what Benny had said to him all those months ago.

She didn’t stay with them at the table for very long before she left to get herself a drink and meet up with some other guests at the party. Severide turned back to the conversation he’d been having with another one of Shay’s friends. Leaving Casey deep in thought, unable to rid himself of the anxiousness he now felt.

“Kel…” Casey leaned towards Severide, speaking quietly over his shoulder, “I’m gonna head home, stay for a while, have fun.”

Before Severide could break off what he was saying and respond, Casey had managed to get to his feet and was slowly walking away. “Matt?” he called after him.

“I’ll see ya later.”

And suddenly Severide found himself alone in the club even though he was surrounded by people, wondering whether or not he should be following Casey, finding out what was wrong and why he was leaving. He wanted to but something was telling him that right now Casey just wanted to be on his own.

It was close to 3am when Severide got back to their apartment, fumbling with his key in the lock as he tried to get it into the keyhole. He came crashing in through the door, putting his finger over his lips and telling himself to be quiet and to stop making any noise. The lounge was dark and Casey was sitting on the couch where he had been most of the time since he had taken a cab home nearly four hours beforehand. He hadn't even tried to sleep. He hadn't left the party because he was tired, even though he was, he had just wanted to get out of the hot and noisy atmosphere, and he’d wanted to stop the feeling that he shouldn't even have been there. That he shouldn't even be with Severide. Benny's mean words were still spinning around his mind and wouldn't leave him alone. Even Severide's arrival home didn't help to settle his worries.

Casey watched as Severide staggered and stumbled towards their bedroom. He got to his feet and following him, seeing him narrowly miss Midnight who was lying just inside the doorway. He spoke to Casey when he entered the room, assuming the pile of pillows on the bed was him. Casey hovered by the door, smiling a little as Severide collapsed face down onto the bed, watched as he moved over and gave one of the pillows a kiss, mumbling, “Love you baby…”

The morning after Shay's party Severide woke with a hangover. On the other hand Casey just felt tired and stressed due to lack of proper sleep. He had wrapped himself in a blanket and tried to sleep on the couch but couldn’t get comfortable enough to be able to get any real rest. He had made a fresh pot of coffee and taken a glass of juice into the bedroom for Severide.

Severide managed to pull himself up to take the juice and hangover cure from Casey. “Missed you when you left last night,” he told Casey, “You didn’t mind me staying?”

“I told you to stay,” Casey reminded him.

“Yeah I know but…”

“But what?” he chuckled.

“Are you all right?”

“Me? I’m not the one who has a raging headache right now,” he grinned.

“Hey! I didn’t drink that much!”

“Thought you were gonna make out with the pillows last night,” he joked, smiling at the memory.  


* * *

 

  
Only a few days had gone by when Casey and Severide found themselves back in the familiar office again that belonged to the orthopaedic doctor. Casey thought that he should be feeling more apprehensive and worried but he had been certain for some time that there was something wrong with him other than the initial injuries from the terror attack and his primary physician had already told him that he highly suspected post traumatic arthritis. He hadn't done any online research about what they assumed would be the cause of his pain increase, he didn’t want to find himself being misinformed about anything so he had just waited until today so he could get the details from a medical professional.

Casey studied the doctors face as the man opened up a file. Before he could speak Casey spoke up, “It’s bad?”

“It’s not good news,” the doctor replied honestly.

Severide's heart sank as he cast a quick look at Casey's impassive face. “How bad?” Casey asked, “It’s arthritis? That’s not so bad, is it?”

“There’s a lot of damage,” the doctor began, “A lot more damage than before. There’s a lot wear and tear to the hips joints, the knee. They’ve been worn down, there’s almost no cartilage left. The joints have been worn down and don't have the support they need to function properly and bone density in your lower leg is… it’s not good Matt. I can give you all the medical details but it’s just not good…”

“What’s the solution? There is a solution, right?” he asked. The doctor let out a breath, his face gave away what he was thinking. “I’m not going to like it?” Casey suspected.

“We can try and see if steroids help. We can inject some corticosteroids into the joints, it’s a temporary solution, if it does help with the pain and your movability then it won’t last forever, it’s more of a stopgap measure but to be honest with you Matt I think the damage is already too great, we’ve gone past that point.”

“What’s the permanent solution?” Severide spoke up.

“Further amputation,” the doctor replied, “We’ve spoken about it before and…”

“And I made up my mind,” Casey replied before the doctor could finish. “I didn’t want to do it then and I don’t to do it now, I worked hard, we worked hard to keep it and that’s not gonna fix my hips, not unless…” he stopped himself from continuing, “I want a second opinion.”

“I understand that Matt and I will…”

“Excuse me,” Casey grabbed his crutches, stood up and left.

“Sorry,” Severide apologised for him.

“It’s fine Kelly, I really am sorry I don’t have any better news for him.”

“Yeah, me too.”  
  


* * *

 

A week after the scan results Casey was standing propped up on his crutches in a drab corridor at the DCFS building downtown. He was waiting for Severide to arrive. Their adoption class was due to start in a few minutes and since Kelly had been on shift for the last twenty-four hours they had arranged to meet there. It made more sense for Casey to take a cab rather than Severide having to go all the way home to pick him up. That way they would hopefully both arrive on time however Casey just didn't want to be there at all.

He felt as if he was wasting everyone's time and effort with these classes because with all the other ongoing problems, he didn’t want to continue on with the adoption any more. It just wasn’t the right time and he wasn't convinced it ever would be. He needed to talk to Shay about it, to ask for her thoughts, even though she didn't yet know what they were planning. He wanted an outsider's opinion, a more objective view, but so far he hadn't found a time when he could talk to her, and he wasn’t making an effort to either, he’d already made up his mind.

Severide saw Casey as anything but incapable and figured he would be an ideal dad for some lucky kid, and he probably wouldn't understand Casey's change of heart. They only had a couple more sessions before the end of the course and Casey knew they would have to find another apartment if they were going to foster or adopt because of the bedroom situation. He knew that he would have to stop the process before it went too far, but part of him was still telling himself that he ought to go ahead with it so he didn't disappoint Severide. He was always telling Casey how strong he was so maybe this would finally prove to him that he wasn't strong, and that was the truth, he couldn't even properly look after himself, let alone a small child On top of that it just wouldn't be a safe environment. He had hit Severide because pain-fuelled anger and that was only going to get worse because he still had sought after a second medical opinion yet. He feared what they might tell him, and partly because he was in a low mood and just couldn’t pull himself out of it. But he knew he would have to find the courage from somewhere to tell Severide today about his decision. He needed to stop it all before it was too late.

He leant back against the wall and glanced down at his watch. Severide was late. Not unusual for a shift to overrun so he pulled his cell phone out to check for messages. Severide was pretty good at letting him know if he had got caught up at work, especially if they had something planned. It wouldn’t look good that they were late to the class but Casey didn’t really care because he didn't want to be there in the first place.

Five minutes passed by and his phone rang, he pulled it back out of his jeans pocket, frowning at the caller ID, he was hit by a feeling of dread as he answered. “Chief?” he spoke, apprehension evident.

“Kelly’s on the way to Rush, he was conscious at the scene asking for you but…”

“What happened? Is it bad?” he asked quickly, his guts running cold, his heart hammering, almost making him dizzy with it all.

“He bailed out a second storey window, lost consciousness for less than a minute, that’s all I know, I’m heading over the hospital now, do you need a ride? I can…”

“I’ll meet you there, keep me updated? I’ll be at least half an hour…”

“Will do,” Boden responded, “And Casey, he’s a tough as you are, try not to worry too much.”


	40. Kelly

Casey went straight over to the reception desk when he arrived at the emergency room. Before he could ask about Severide his attention was caught by Boden who came striding towards him, a sombre smile on his face.

"How is he? Where is he?" Casey asked before Boden had the chance to say anything.

"He's still being assessed at the moment but I've been told he is stable," Boden told him. He placed a hand on Casey's shoulder as he rested loosely on his crutches.

Casey barely heard Boden's words. The hammering in his heart seemed to be getting louder by the second and he could hear it inside his head. "He's stable?" he repeated.

Boden nodded. "Come and sit down," he urged.

Casey remained where he was, "Can't I see him?"

"Not yet."

"Where… where is he?" Casey questioned, his voice cracking slightly. He was struggling to hold his emotions in check, and so very conscious that he was standing there in front of his former chief.

"Matt," Boden began sternly but in a kind tone, now placing one hand on each of Casey's arms he looked him directly in the eye, "He's gonna be all right."

"He bailed out of a second storey window?"

"He had no choice Matt, the ladder wasn't gonna get to him fast enough."

"Everyone else..." Casey muttered in a subdued tone, "They all ok?" Typical Casey. The truck lieutenant in him would always be there and he would always care about other people more than himself.

"Everyone else is fine. So is the woman he saved," Boden assured him, "Now, let's go and join the others."

"The others?"

"Shay, Rafferty, rest of squad are here," Boden told him, "81 are doing overhaul."

Casey followed Boden through into the waiting area, saying a subdued hello to them all before he went to sit by Shay. Boden sat down opposite him. The smell of smoke coming from their gear brought back so many memories.

He hadn't been there long when a doctor wearing scrubs appeared from the corridor. "Matt Casey?"

"Yeah," Casey nodded. He stood up. "How is he?" he asked before the doctor had chance to introduce himself.

"He was asking for you, but he's sleeping now," the doctor told him. "He has a minor concussion, some bruised ribs, and a few cuts. He's going to be very sore for a while, he's been very lucky considering the height. Now we do need to keep him under observation so he's being admitted…"

"Why? What's wrong?"

"His spleen is a little enlarged so we need to keep an eye on that," the doctor explained.

"You think it'll rupture?"

"There's a small chance it will but it is unlikely," the doctor replied, nodding to reassure him.

"Can I see him?"

"Once he's been admitted you can, someone will come and let you know," the doctor gave Casey a smile and a kind nod before he turned to walk away.

Casey remained standing there, wanting to follow him, wanting to find Severide and make sure for himself that he was ok. After a few moments Shay broke into his thoughts, "Casey, he's all right."

"You don't know that," he snapped. "Sorry…" he muttered.

"I'm not worried," Shay told him, "So you don't need to be, ok?"

Casey sat back down and Shay relaxed a little, worried that he was going to go storming around the ER looking for Severide. He sighed, "You were with him?"

"In the back of the rig, yeah," she nodded, "He would have called you if I'd let him."

He smiled, "He would have?"

"He wasn't out for long," she told him.

"How much pain was he in? Two storeys…"

"He had plenty of painkillers and the doc has just said he's gonna be all right, admitting him is just a precaution."

"Yeah, sorry," he nodded, "I just… I don't know… sorry…"

"It's fine Matt, everyone knows you're worried, you have every right to be," she spoke. She leaned in close to him and held an arm around his shoulder to try and offer some comfort.  
  


* * *

 

It was a few hours before Casey was allowed to see Severide. A nurse took him along to the small private room he had been admitted into and left him alone. He went quietly up to the bedside, pulled a stool over and sat down, leaning his crutches against the bedframe next to him. He didn't say anything, just took in the damage to Severide's face, all the cuts and bruises and the butterfly stitches on his left cheek.

He watched as Severide's lips curled up into a small smile. Casey hadn't realised he was even awake. "Kel?" he said softly, taking Severide's hand, mindful of the IV line.

"You know…" Severide croaked, eyes now partly open he looked at Casey, "You're not very sneaky with those damn crutches…"

"Sorry," Casey began apologetically, "Did I wake…"

Severide didn't let him finish. "You all right?"

"Really?" he half laughed, "You gonna ask me that?"

"You look awful…"

"You don't look so hot either," Casey responded.

"Hey… I am hot… you're stitch-ist… huh… that's not right…"

"It's not right, there's no such thing," Casey told him, grinning.

"Hmm…"

"You're not in pain then?" he asked, glancing at the PCP pump.

"Nope…" Severide slurred.

"Good," he nodded, "Are you comfortable? Are your pillows all right?"

"Uh huh… like clouds…"

Casey just nodded again, looking at the monitors, the IV and catheter, staring at the bruises that marred his skin again.

Severide rolled his head towards Casey, knowing full well what was going on inside that head of his. "Matt, I am fine," he insisted.

"I know, I know… it's just… they wouldn't let me see you and they said your spleen…"

"My spleen is gonna be just fine, don't worry, it won't go splat like yours," Severide told him, eyes smiling.

"It better not," he smiled, "You need to get some rest, I'll stay here."

"I'll get some rest but… but only 'cause I'm really struggling to keep my eyes open… and… and you have to promise me something…"

"Anything," Casey spoke.

"Go home soon," he said as his eyes slipped closed and sleep took over.

Casey got up from the stool and went to the chair in the corner of the room, sitting down in it he relaxed a little. Feeling relief that Severide seemed to be all right. "Maybe," he replied quietly, knowing Severide was probably already asleep.  
  


* * *

 

Severide opened his eyes some hours later, woken by a nurse who had come to check his lines and monitors. She spoke briefly to him before she left, passing by Shay who was standing in the doorway. He moved his head a little to see Casey sleeping in the chair. He didn't look comfortable, his face wasn't carefree even in sleep.

"What's the time?" Severide asked Shay wearily.

"Almost seven," she replied. "You're not allowed to scare me like that again," she told him. It had been her first real chance to talk to him since he'd been whisked off in the ER.

Severide just looked across to Casey. "I'm sorry," he replied, "Was that or fry…"

"Yeah, I know," she nodded, "It was a close one."

"We've had worse…" he responded quietly, still looking at Casey. He swallowed, "He's all right, isn't he?"

Shay smiled, "Yeah, think he's fine now, I'll make sure he gets home but…"

"But he won't leave before he has to," Severide finished for her.

"Yeah," she replied, "Just like someone else I know."  
  


* * *

 

Casey did eventually go home on his own accord. The first thing he did was to check on Pumpkin and Midnight, making sure they had fresh water and food in the dispenser. He played with them for a few minutes before he finally found himself having to collapse into bed, still fully clothed and wearing his prosthetic and leg brace. He sank into what he was sure would be a restless sleep.

He woke a few hours later, uncomfortable still wearing the clothes he'd been in all day. He smelt just like the hospital, a smell he wished wasn't familiar. His residual limb ached, the skin felt tight and sore. He pulled himself up and removed the prosthetic, slinging the liner on the floor before once again falling fast asleep. In the morning he woke slowly, his whole body ached and his head was throbbing. He dry swallowed some painkillers before getting up and dressed and by late morning Casey arrived at Rush wearing the same clothes he'd worn the day before. He'd brought a backpack stuffed full of things he thought Severide would like to have with him, fresh clothes, a couple of magazines, some snacks, drinks and DVDs.

When Casey got to Severide's room on the third floor he found him fast asleep so Casey just settled himself into the chair in the corner, propping his crutches next to himself. The next thing he knew Severide's voice was waking him. He forced his eyes open and smiled as he saw Severide sitting up in the bed.

"Hey sleepy head," Severide was grinning, "Thought you'd never wake."

"You look better," Casey observed, "You still look like crap but you look better."

"Thanks," he chuckled a little. He noticed Casey's bag. "You brought me goodies?" he asked.

"Yeah," Casey nodded, "You wanna watch a film?"

"Sure, what d'ya bring…"  
  


* * *

 

Just as he had done the previous night when he got home from the hospital, he dumped a load of cat food into the dispenser and filled their water bowls with fresh water, but ignored their calls for attention and their rubbing against his legs. He went straight to the bedroom but unlike the night before he took off his joggers and prosthetic then just collapsed face down on the bed. He pulled the covers over himself and fell into an exhausted slumber. He felt rough after another long day fraught with worry and stress, so when his cell phone woke him with a persistent tone it was a while before he realised he needed to answer it.

"Hello…" he mumbled into the receiver.

 _"_ _Is this Matthew Casey?"_ a woman's voice asked.

"Yeah…" he coughed to clear his throat, "Who's speaking?"

_"It's Rush University hospital..."_

"Is Kelly ok?" Casey asked before the voice could say any more.

 _"Mr Casey..."_ she began, _"You're listed as Mr Severide's emergency contact. I'm afraid I have some bad news..."_  
  
"What? What's happened? What's wrong?"

_"About an hour ago his spleen ruptured and he was bleeding internally, we got him into the OR but he'd lost too much blood, he died in surgery."_

"Wh… what?" just shook his head, unable to absorb the woman's words, unable to think straight, "No… he was fine… he was fine, I was just speaking to him… he was fine…"

_"I'm sorry for your loss."_

Casey didn't know what to do, he was sitting up in the bed, his heart was pounding fiercely, his head was throbbing, he felt hot and cold all at the same time. His phone was no longer in his hand. He reached over to the nightstand for it again. The screen lit up as he lifted it up, a message from Severide was highlighted on the screen.

 _'Get some sleep baby. Eat something! xxx'_  
  
It was time stamped thirty-six minutes ago. That couldn't be right. He felt lightheaded and sick as he called Kelly's number, frowning when it was answered after only a few rings.

"Kel?" he spoke tentatively.

_"You all right?"_

"Kelly?"

_"Matt what's wrong?"_

"I… are you… I don't… they said…" Casey garbled all at once, unable to speak sensibly.

_"Matt, Matty listen to me, you're all right, you need to take some deep breaths…"_

"I… I can't…"

 _"I know you can,"_ Severide encouraged, _"Go on, deep breath in, hold it… and out…"_

"Kel…"

_"Shh… deep breath… and out…"_

"What's happening?"

 _"Think you've worked yourself up over something, did you have nightmare?"_ Severide asked him.

"No… I… I don't know…"

 _"It's all right,"_ Severide tried to reassure him as best he could, _"Where are you? In bed?"_

Casey nodded.

 _"Matty?"_ Severide asked.

"Yeah," he responded.

_"Where are Pumpkin and Midnight?"_

"Erm…" he glanced around, "Not in here."

 _"Go find them, give them some attention, they'll help you calm down, ok?"_ Severide's voice was starting to soothe him a little now.

"You're all right?" Casey asked.

 _"I'm fine baby,"_ Severide told him.

"Really? You can't be… you…"

_"Matty, I'm sore and real tired but I'm gonna be fine..."_

"God, I'm sorry… I shouldn't have…"

_"I'm glad you called me, I'm always telling you to call if you need me and I'm happy when you do. I love to hear your voice, all right?"_

"All right," Casey nodded.

_"You gonna be ok?"_

"Yeah, of course, you jumped out a building not me," he told him.

 _"Ok, well, go do what I said but don't fall asleep on the couch,"_ Severide warned.

"I won't."

_"All right, I'll see you tomorrow baby."_

Casey did as Severide had suggested and was still sitting in the lounge with the two cats on his lap when the door buzzer went off, grating in his head, which was hurting worse than before. Someone was ringing up to their apartment. He grabbed his crutches and made his way over to the intercom on the wall, frowning as he squinted at the small video screen, blinking to try and clear his blurred vision.

Another loud buzz made him jump and the intercom burst into action, _"Matt let me up, will ya?"_

"Shay?" he questioned into the intercom, a puzzled look on his tired and pale face.

 _"Yeah so you gonna let me in?"_ she spoke into the intercom, far more awake than he was.

"Erm… yeah sure…"

Shay knocked at the door when she got up to their floor.

"It's open," Casey shouted. He had unlocked the door while he was up on his crutches so he didn't have to get off the couch a second time because he just didn't have the strength right then.

"You look like crap," Shay said as she came in and walked over to him, taking in how pale and dishevelled he looked, the dark circles around his eyes, the wincing look on his face. "Are you sick?" she asked him. Severide had called her less than thirty minutes ago because he was so concerned about Casey, worried that he seemed to have had some kind of panic attack and Severide couldn't do anything much to help him. He felt so useless stuck at the hospital so he had done the only thing he could and called her.

"I'm fine… why are you here?"

"Kelly called me," she told him.

"Oh God… is he ok? They said his spleen ruptured and…"

"Matt," she began calmly, interrupting him as she knelt in front of him, "He's fine, they're just monitoring him, he's fine."

"But they said…" he trailed.

"What did they say?"

Casey pressed his hands against his head as the pain became intolerable.

"Matt, what's happened?" she asked, gently taking his arms.

"I… he called me…"

"Kelly?"

"The hospital…"

"Kelly's at the hospital," she told him gently. Her worry was increasing by the second as she wondered what on earth was going on in Casey's head.

"No," he shook his head slightly. "The hospital, they called me, they said… oh God… please, please don't tell me it's true… he was fine, he was fine, I was talking to him, he can't be, he can't be…" Casey hid his face in his hands, unable to even look at Shay now, almost on the brink of tears.

"He can't be what?"

"Dead… please… he can't be dead, he can't be…"

"Oh Matt, Matt… Kelly's fine, he's fine," she tried to reassure him, "He said you called him?"

"I did?" he looked at her with teary eyes.

"Yeah," she nodded.

"I… I don't remember… it hurts…" he groaned out.

"I'll get you something," she said, letting go of his arms and standing up.

Time was all jumbled up to Casey and he couldn't concentrate on anything. He felt dizzy and sick, as if he was going to pass out. Shay reappeared and handed him some pills that he dry swallowed, ignoring the glass of water she was holding out to him.

"Matt have you been taking your meds?"

"What? Yeah, course I have…"

"Tuesday afternoon and evening and all of Wednesday's pills are still in your organiser," she told him softly.

He just nodded, "Yeah."

"Matt, honey, it's Thursday morning," she explained.

"What?" he frowned, "I don't… I don't understand… they called me, they said… they told me he died…"

"Matt, listen to me, it was some sort of vivid dream or hallucination maybe. It wasn't real. Kelly is fine. I promise you that. And you know the hospital would never call and give you information like that over the phone."

"Right, yeah, of course," Casey nodded but she could tell by the expression on his face that he was still bewildered and shaken by what had happened.

"Now Matt, you've not had any meds since Tuesday morning, you've gone into withdrawal, do you feel sick? You do look nauseous…"

"I'm fine… I didn't miss them… did I?"

"You always use your organiser, right?"

He nodded.

"Ok, right," she spoke, "I'm going to call the hospital and get you sorted, all right?"

An hour had passed before Shay managed to get Casey to go to bed. She'd managed to speak to the all hours pharmacist at Northwestern and had given Casey his medications. When Casey fell asleep she dropped Severide a message, telling him that Casey was fine. She figured he didn't need to know what a state he had been in because of not taking his pills. Despite her straight talking Shay could be very tactful when needed and now was one of those times. She realised that Casey would be mortified if Severide found out what had happened, and at the very least, she wanted Casey to be able to decide for himself whether to tell Severide or not. It wasn't her place to do it for him. She also sent a quick message to Boden, letting him know that she would be late to work in the morning, she'd decided to keep an eye on Casey and get him to the hospital to see Severide when he woke if he was feeling up to it. Although she doubted he wouldn't want to go even if he was still feeling awful. She hoped now even just the medication was back in his system he should start to feel less sick and feverish and hopefully he wouldn't suffer with any further nightmares or vivid dreams.

When Casey woke some time later his head was clearer and didn't hurt so badly. He couldn't quite recall everything that had happened over the last forty-eight hours, only snippets and flashes of events, and he couldn't yet distinguish reality from dreaming. He'd been sitting up in bed for a few moments when Shay stuck her head round the open door, and the cats appeared, jumping up onto the bed. Unbeknown to Casey she had been checking up on him periodically while he slept.

"Hey," she began softly, "How are you feeling?"

"Confused," he admitted, "Kelly's all right, isn't he?"

She grinned at him, happy to see he seemed to feeling better. She walked to the side of the bed, stroking Pumpkin who just purred and arched her back with pleasure. "Kelly's fine," she said, "He sent me a message, said he's not a fan of hospital breakfast."

He smiled at that thought, "Well he's lying. Always steals mine."

Shay sat herself on the edge of the bed and Pumpkin jumped onto her lap, while Midnight laid herself across Casey's lap. "You went off your meds," she told him.

"Of course I did," he sighed, more than disappointed in himself.

She shook her head, "It's been a weird few days... change in routine, huge stress with Kelly being hurt, but no need to worry now. You're all sorted, just take them as usual now."

"Thanks," Casey answered sheepishly, embarrassed at his own stupidity and self-neglect.

"I haven't told Kelly anything so he won't find out unless you tell him, all right? Thought I'd leave it up to you," she said.

Casey nodded thoughtfully.

"Well maybe he doesn't need to know, yeah?" Shay continued. They both broke into a grin. "Now you need to get a shower, no offence but I think Kelly will be worried if he sees you in this state. I'll sort you out with breakfast. Do you need a hand with showering?"

"No, I can manage fine."

"All right, well, I'll be in the kitchen, shout if you need me."

Shay heard the shower stream stop so she poured a couple of glasses of apple juice and set them on the dining table, expecting Casey to appear at any moment. But after some time he still hadn't come out but she decided to wait, unsure quite how long it would take him to get sorted. She spent a few minutes scrolling through her cell phone before she finally headed over to the bathroom. She didn't want to make Casey feel uncomfortable in his own home, but knowing how unwell he had been the night before, she felt she had to see if he was okay. As she approached the door, she heard his voice calling her.

"Matt?" she knocked on the door, "You ok in there?"

"Erm…" he muttered behind the door, "I… I need a hand… sorry…"

"All right, it's fine, I'm gonna come in," she announced, placing a hand on the door handle.

"Shay…" he began hesitantly, "Erm… not wearing anything… I can't get up… I just need…"

"It's no problem, honestly. I've seen a lot of worse sights believe me," she chuckled in an effort to put him at ease as she went inside the bathroom.

It was warm and the mirror had steamed over. Casey was sitting beneath the shower head, shiny drops of water trickling down his taut muscular frame, wet hair plastered around his face, which was still pink and flushed from the heat.

"Sorry…" he muttered again, clearly embarrassed that he had had to ask for help.

"Don't be," Shay said firmly. "Now what do you need me to do?" she smiled as she looked into the shower cubicle.

"Just… just help me up onto my crutches… please… sorry…"

"Matt, this is fine," she nodded. "You don't need to be embarrassed. You cock isn't gonna traumatise me, is it?" she grinned cheekily at him, trying to put him at ease.

Casey chuckled, "No, guess not."

"C'mon then… let's get you up," she said, passing over his crutches.

A few minutes later Casey was sitting at the end of his bed, a large white towel wrapped expertly around his waist by Shay and tucked in so it would stay in place. "Thanks," he sighed gratefully, watching as she rested his crutches against the side of the bed next to him.

She looked at his weary face as he picked up a corner of the towel and wiped it dry. "Let me help, you're exhausted, no surprise after the last few days, all right?" she insisted.

"All right," he nodded, "Not even gonna try to object."

"Ok, so what's first?" she quizzed, walking over to the chest of drawers.

"My leg and liner…"

She glanced around, turning when she spotted it by the nightstand, then leaning over to pick it up. "Casey?" she began, "Pumpkin's managed to curl herself up in..."

A wide grin spread across his face because he knew what was coming. "Yeah," he nodded, "She does that all the time."

Shay laughed, shaking her head, passing Casey the liner, then managing to coax the little ginger ball of fur out of her little nest in the socket. Casey put his liner on and smoothed it out, then fitted his leg, finally able to stand up with the aid of his crutches. Shay was pulling fresh underwear and clothing from the chest, all the while noting the amount of bruising on his body as she helped him to dry off and get dressed. Another one of the downsides to high doses of prednisone, but at least he always joked that it made him look even clumsier than he actually was.

Once he was almost dressed she left him to finish up whilst she went to make some fresh coffee. He reached over to Severide's side of the bed and picked up the red hoody that had lain there for a few days. He slipped it over his head, breathing in, inhaling his scent, wrapping his arms around himself, closing his eyes for a few moments as the smell soothed him. The paranoia that lay in the back of his mind after his vivid dream kept creeping forwards, he felt like he was constantly trying to stem off another panic attack but Severide's hoody was doing wonders to his nerves.

Casey opened his eyes to find Shay standing there in front of him, a wise but kind smile on her face. She knew just what Casey was doing, and she completely understood his needs. His face flushed with embarrassment and he could read in her face that she knew what he was up to. No point trying to hide anything from Shay.

"Erm..." he began, but she just nodded.

"It's all right Matt, I know and it's fine. I'd be doing the same thing if I was you right now." She continued, "Look, just come and get some breakfast. Then we'll get off to the hospital." It was almost as a bribe. She smiled, "And keep that on, colour looks good on you."


	41. Pain and Truth

Severide had been in the hospital for four days when Casey entered his room with a smile on his face. He couldn't help but smile back at him. "Shorts?" he questioned, grinning at Casey's outfit. The sunglasses he'd worn were now pushed back over his blond hair and the t-shire he wore clung to his body in just the right places.

"It's warm out," Casey replied, taking his usual seat.

"You just wanna show off your fancy hardware," he teased.

"Well this thing is probably worth more than the apartment," Casey glanced down at his prosthetic. "How are you feeling?" he asked.

"Bored of this place," Severide huffed.

"You know that's not what I meant," he smiled, eyes sparkling.

"I feel fine Matt, it's all just precaution…"

"You don't look fine," Casey spoke up, "You look tired, you look like you're in pain."

"Just aches and strains. I'm up for a walk if you are? We can have a slow and steady stroll down to the hospital garden."

"Are you allowed?"

"They took the catheter out yesterday," he grinned, "I'm officially a free man."

"Yeah but a few feet to the bathroom is a lot less than going outside, trust me I know. And I'm not at all prepared if your spleen decides to go ahead and…"

"Precaution," Severide just repeated.

It wasn't long until Casey had been persuaded and the nurse had given Severide permission. They both walked steadily out into the garden. Severide was holding onto the IV pole for support and Casey was using his crutches for balance.

"We look a right pair," Severide laughed. "And you can finally keep up with me."

"Keep up with you? I'm having to slow down for you," he chuckled. "You shouldn't have been so stubborn and accepted the wheelchair."  
  


* * *

 

Later that day Casey left Severide to get some rest and went to the pharmacy nearby to pick up some of his refills. He was leaning heavily on his crutches as he waited in line. The store was sweltering hot, he guessed the air conditioning wasn't working. His right limb was sweating in its socket. The grips on his crutches were moist and making his hands sore, it had been too hot for his gloves. But it was a job he had to get done, especially with Severide out of action, and it made him realise how much Severide did for him but he pushed the shame to the back of his mind.

He was shuffling forward wearily in the line when a voice behind him started him slightly.

"You all right son?"

Casey turned his head around to see an elderly gentleman waiting in line behind him. "Oh I'm fine, thanks," he smiled.

"Thank _you_ for your service," the man nodded curtly.

"Oh… no, sir, it was nothing like that," Casey told him. It wasn't the first time someone had made that mistake.

"Sorry son, shouldn't have assumed anything," the man responded.

Casey smiled at the man, trying to put him at ease. The look on his face told Casey he was embarrassed at the faux pax. "It's fine. Did you serve?"

"Vietnam, but you're way too young to remember all of that…"

"Well that may be true but we learned about it in school. So thanks for your service…"

"How did it happen to you son?"

"Oh…" Casey hesitated. He didn't really like talking about it but if some one asked he was polite enough to tell them. "The terrorist attack back in December 2014?" He paused and the gentleman nodded. "I was a firefighter, I was inside when the second blast went off."

He usually felt the need to comfort whoever asked him about his leg, he'd end up insisting that he was fine now, that everything was all right, but not with this man. It was nice for a change. Casey wasn't annoyed that people asked him but it did feel odd that he always ended up comforting them because he had been injured in such a way.

Before they had time to say anything further it was Casey's turn in the line so he turned back and gave his name to the pharmacist. He said farewell to the elderly gentleman as he picked up his medication from the counter and manoeuvred himself back out through the automatic doors.

There was no respite from the heat outside. No cool breeze. It was like being in an oven and his t-shirt stuck to him. He stopped for a moment to pull his phone from a pocket so he could call for a cab, dropping the mad of medication in the process.

"Damnit…" he cursed under his breath.

That was going to take some dealing with. Such a simple thing for most people was so difficult now for him. But before he could get his crutches into one hand the elderly man was by his side, bending to pick up the fallen bag from the sidewalk.

"Here," he smiled at Casey, passing him the bag.

"Thanks," Casey told him gratefully.

The gentleman just nodded, "Like I said son, thank you for your service."

Casey watched as the old soldier walked away, unsure how he felt about that. He had never thought of himself as being in any kind of service that deserved special thanks. He had always just wanted to be useful, to help people. He missed being able to do anything of worth. He missed it every day. A sudden unexpected wave of nostalgia overcame Casey as he stood there and he was a few moments before he could manage to call up a cab to get him home.  
  


* * *

 

Severide was discharged from the hospital after six days. Casey was relieved that nothing more serious happened and Severide was coming home in one piece. They'd taken a cab home from the hospital together. Casey felt like he was spending half of his life taking cabs at the moment but he didn't want to face the bus but it wouldn't be too long at all now though until he could drive again. As of next week they were going to be tapering off his antirejection medications. He would continue to have them for the rest of his life but at a much lower dosage. He'd also had his first corticosteroid injections but so far he'd not noticed any difference but it wasn't at the forefront of his mind. Severide was.

"You doing all right?" Casey asked him.

Severide was sitting on the couch. He was still very stiff and sore. He just nodded in response as Casey sat down next to him and the cats followed.

Casey smiled, "You can borrow my walker."

"How about your chair?" he grinned.

Casey shook his head, "Nope."

"Nope?"

"Nope," he responded, amused, "You'll change my butt groove."

"Saying I'm fat?" Severide gasped mockingly.

"Nope. Saying that you'll change my butt groove," he said, still smiling. "You can have some of my painkillers if you want? You got given the weak stuff," he teased.

"Nah, think I'd be seeing colours if I had them," Severide laughed.

Casey glanced down then back at Severide. "I missed you."

"You were at the hospital every day."

"I know," he nodded. "You're not allowed to get hurt again, you hear me?"

"I hear you," Severide responded. "C'mere…" he wrapped his arm around Casey, "Lean on me. Don't worry, it only hurts when I move."  
  


* * *

 

They were both happy to get an early night. Casey made sure Severide was comfortable and had everything he would need or want on the nightstand by his side of the bed before sitting down and getting himself ready.

He slipped under the covers and moved over so he was lying on his right side, propped up on his shoulder, smiling at Severide. His eyes were closed but he could tell that Casey was looking at him.

"Picture will last longer," Severide spoke, his lips curling into a smile.

Casey just gently rested his head on Severide's chest. "I'm not hurting you, am I?"

He shook his head, opened his eyes and carded his fingers through Casey's hair. After a moment he frowned, "Matt…"

"Do you feel that too?" Casey questioned.

"How do they even get under there?" Severide asked, smile breaking into a grin. He could feel soft fur by his legs. They both could.

"They missed you," Casey replied.

"I doubt it, you're the one who spoils them," he smiled.

"Who else am I meant to cuddle when you're not here?"

"They let you hug them?"

"Well… when they want one they let me…"

Severide laughed, clutching his side, "They rule this apartment, don't they?"

"The really do," he nodded. "Midnight has practically trapped me out of the main bathroom twice now…" Casey's smile faded. "When are you going back to work?"

"Couple more shifts out," Severide told him.

"Take a few more," he murmured.

"Matt, I'm fine," Severide insisted. He'd been reassuring Casey of this for days now but he didn't mind. If Casey needed the reminder he didn't mind at all.

"Don't rush it though."

"I've already been given the all clear," Severide replied.

"Go back next week?" he tried.

"Hmm…" Severide began thoughtfully, running his hand along Casey's bare arm, "If you start looking for that second opinion I'll hold off another shift or two."

After a moment of consideration he nodded, "All right."  
  


* * *

 

Severide kept joking that Casey was enjoying looking after him far too much. But Casey really did like taking care of him even though he really was perfectly fine after a few more days at home. Even most of his bruises had faded away. Severide let him continue to wait on him hand and foot, asking him to fetch him drinks, make him some lunch. That was until it got to the point in the day where Casey was just too exhausted and in too much pain but Severide said nothing. They would spend their time lazing around together on the couch watching movie after movie, and the occasional game, just enjoying each others company.

Severide heard an unusual sniffle. He glanced over at Casey and held back a small chuckle. There were gentle tears running down Casey's face, he was crying at the movie they were watching. It made Severide feel warm inside, he was pleased at how comfortable Casey had become around him but that wasn't going to stop him from teasing him.

"Are you crying?" he asked, looking at Casey again.

Casey turned his head away, there was another sniffle. "No," he muttered.

"Yes you are," Severide smiled.

"It's sad…"

Severide just started laughing as the credits rolled, watching as Casey's wiped his eyes on the back of his hand.

"You have a heart of stone," Casey spoke.

"Just can't believe you're crying at this… it's a cartoon…"

"Stop making fun of me... you're not supposed to make fun of disabled people."

"You can't pull that card out every time you cry at a cartoon," Severide retorted.

"I've never cried at a cartoon before…"

Severide just grinned, "Really?"

"Ok fine, there was that one other time but that's it, not my fault you insist on watching sad things…"

Severide turned off the TV. "I love you Matthew Casey."

"You just wanna have your way with me after teasing me mercilessly… I don't forgive so easily," he grinned.  
  


* * *

 

A week passed by. Severide would be going back to work soon. Casey still hadn't gone about finding a second opinion but Severide wasn't pushing him on it, he knew not to, and he did understand Casey's reluctance but that didn't mean Casey's pain levels were getting any better. The steroid injections still didn't seem to be working at all and it made everyday tasks difficult.

When they'd been grocery shopping the other day Casey had used his wheelchair, it was more practical for carrying things since the crutches made it difficult for him to pick up the items he wanted and he didn't want Severide doing all the work. It didn't help that in the last few days he hadn't been sleeping well. Things hadn't been as good as they'd seemed to Severide in the first few days after his discharge. Casey had been putting on a brave face for him, really he should have been expected that

Casey was lying wide awake. Tonight it was phantom pains that were stopping him from sleeping and he'd found little rest the last few nights because of his hips and lower back. Severide had woken up hearing Casey's muffled moans. He tried to help as much as he could but it was so bad that Casey had broken into a cold sweat, almost drenching the bed sheets, he was visibly trembling and making tight fists with his hands.

"Don't touch me!" Casey snapped.

Severide had pulled back the bed covers and was about to start massaging Casey's residual limb. He sat back in the bed and almost sighed miserably, feeling useless.   
  
"I'll get some painkillers…"

It was against Severide's better judgement but he didn't know what else he could do to help. The TENS machine wasn't an option either if Casey couldn't stand to be touched. Sometimes touch did help but not tonight apparently. When he returned with some stronger painkillers and a glass of water Casey just shook his head. He was almost as white as the bed sheet now.

"Come on baby, just take these, they're little a stronger…"

Casey's hand swiped at them. Sending the pills and the water across the room. "They don't fucking do anything!" He curled up into the bed and screamed into the pillow.

Severide just stood by the bedside, hand stills outstretched as if he were still holding the glass and the painkillers. His heart was hammering in his chest, he felt complete and utterly useless. He watched Casey, unable to comfort him or ease his pain as he just lay on his front breathing heavily, moaning and groaning involuntarily.

He got back into bed carefully, he didn't want to cause Casey any further pain or make him feel any worse than he did now. He must have fallen asleep eventually because the next thing he knew he was waking up and finding the bed empty and the sun shining into the room through a gap in the blinds.

"Matty…" he said blearily as he pushed himself up onto his elbows. Casey was clearly not in the room. He dragged himself out of bed, wiping his hands over his eyes, he was desperate for a drink.

The blinds in the rest of the apartment were still shut. The lamp by the couch was lit and Severide could see Casey sitting upright as he walked over to the kitchen. He poured himself a large glass of juice and went over to him.

Casey looked like death warmed up. His skin was pale. His eyes were bloodshot with the lack of sleep and were surrounded by dark shadows.

"Hey baby…" Severide began softly.

After a moment Casey spoke, as if he'd only just realised that Severide was with him. "Sorry about last night."

"How are you doing now?"

Casey just nodded a little.

"Think you can get some sleep? I'll help you back to bed."

"Can I just spend some time with you?"

"Of course you can! You don't need to ask…"

"I don't want to wake up in pain," Casey admitted quietly.

"I know," he nodded. "Have you had your meds?"

Casey shook his head this time. "Don't want to move."

Severide knew why, if Casey was feeling better now he was worried that if he moved his body would begin to hurt once again. "All right, well I'll get them, and get us some breakfast, yeah?"

"I'm supposed to be looking after you…"

Severide smiled, "I've been cleared for work, I don't need looking after."

"I don't want to be looked after."

Severide nodded but he said nothing and went to fetch Casey's pills. Not long after eating breakfast Casey fell asleep in Severide's arms.

He woke some time later, comfortable and safe. Right then he knew that Severide was forever and he would always be there for him, that he would always make him feel comfortable and safe.

Severide was smiling down at him.

"I'm sorry I didn't handle this very well," he spoke quietly after a while, looking up at Severide.

"What do you mean?"

"You being hurt."

"You're not expected to handle it well," Severide told him.

"Yeah I am," he replied.

"Who says so? You?"

Casey shrugged a little, dropping his eye contact for a moment. It was nice to be able to be open with someone but at the same time he still found it difficult. He'd learnt from a young age that feelings were something that you just shoved away to the side, that you had to appear perfect and strong, not weak.

"I don't handle it well when you're hurt," Severide said.

"Yeah you do. You handle everything so well."

"You know I don't… I was at a loss last night Matt…"

Suddenly Casey announced, "I didn't take my meds for almost three days…"

"What?"

"When you got hurt. I just forgot. If you'd not called Shay…"

"You wouldn't be human if you didn't make mistakes."

"Was a big mistake to make."

"It was an easy one to make. You had a stressful few days and…"

"That's exactly what Shay said," Casey spoke, almost annoyed that he was being given an excuse.

"Well if we both said it then it must be right. Now get some more rest or do you want some lunch?"

"I am hungry." He knew that was something that would always make Severide happy.

Severide smiled, "Good."  
  


* * *

 

Casey managed to sleep through the night despite having slept most of the previous day. He'd taken so many painkillers and sleeping pills that Severide had been worried he would stop breathing completely especially because of all his pre-existing issues. He made sure Casey used the oxygen mask and not just the nasal cannula while he slept but as usual Severide ended up waking through the night and having to put the mask back over Casey's face. Even though he was drugged Casey would constantly try to dislodge it and pull it away.

"Right, you ready to go?" Severide asked as he came out of the bathroom and headed to the coat rack. "Matt?"

Casey had made no response and was still sitting on the couch, not making a move. Not even bothering to pick his crutches up. They were supposed to be heading out for their adoption class, they had some catching up to do after Severide's accident. 

"Don't think we should go," Casey spoke clearly, deliberately, after some moments thought.

"I feel fine, honestly, not felt this good since before I decided to jump out a window," he grinned, assuming Casey was hesitating because of him.

"Good to hear," Casey nodded, "But I don't want to go… Kelly I don't think we should do this, not now, maybe one day but not now."

"You're only saying that because you're worried our application will be rejected," Severide responded. He'd had the same concern for a while but had to be positive and enthusiastic about the whole thing in front of Casey, after all a family was something they both wanted and he knew how much Casey had longed for his own.

"I know it will be… but it's not that. I can face more rejection," Casey almost had to chuckle at that. "I just, I can't do it, we can't bring a child into our home, we can't. It's not fair…"

"Matt we both know they could end up somewhere worse…"

"I'm going to get sick again, it will happen. And no matter how much I wish you won't, you'll probably get injured again. I will lash out again, if I could hit you then I could…"

"Matt…"

"Don't stop me," Casey shook his head. "You know all this is true. I can hardly control my emotions at times, this isn't a home to bring a child into… just look at us, look at how messed up we are because… because our parents weren't perfect! We'd… no… I'd screw a kid up and then you'd hate me and leave…."

"I'd never…"

Casey held up a hand to stop Severide getting a word in. "Don't say it," Casey almost sighed. "We can't do this even if they give us a chance, we can't do it," he was adamant. His mind was made up and even Severide would never change it.

"You wanted this? You wanted a family?" he frowned. He didn't know how he'd not noticed a change because he thought by now he understand Casey without needing words. "It was great incentive for getting more help, for going to the doctor…"

"Yeah, the doctor who wants to chop off my other leg!"

Severide could see where this was going now that Casey had raised his voice, he needed to help him calm down before things escalated and hurtful things were spoken. "Matt, look, we're going to get…" he began softly but he had no chance to finish.

"I've made up my mind, if this breaks us up then it does, I'm not bringing a child into this home. If we don't stop this I'll call them up right now and tell them all about my pain meds and how I've fooled the doctor into thinking it's not as bad as it is yet…"

Severide just nodded, stopping Casey from continuing. "Ok," he said simply.

It wasn't at all the reaction Casey had expected and he sank back into couch, almost relaxed. Severide knew how stubborn Casey was, knew he wouldn't change his mind and there would be nothing he could say and if truth be told he knew Casey was right

"You've felt like this for a while?" Severide asked.

Casey spoke steadily now, "I was going to tell you but then…"

"Then I ended up in the hospital?"

"Yeah," he nodded.

"Ok, well let's put it on hold then," Severide responded, smiling a little.

"We're not breaking up?" he asked slowly, quietly.

"Of course we're not breaking up," Severide laughed.

"But you really wanted…"

"Let me stop you there," Severide began, "It's not the right time now, really I think I knew that when we started all this, I think I thought it would improve things."

Casey shook his head. "I was in denial, I was hiding stuff from you, hiding stuff from myself, I think I still am. And I know you think that I should probably just go ahead and get my leg amputated and maybe I probably should but…."

"Go on," he urged when Casey grew silent.

"My right leg still hurts and it's not even there, I don't think getting rid of my leg will solve everything, it won't. Of course it won't. Even the doctor said that. And I can still walk, what if my pelvis gets worse if I'm having to use two prosthetics… I don't know if it would but I feel like it might… I don't know…"

"It's something we can ask about," Severide said diplomatically.

"I want that second opinion, I wasn't just saying that in the heat of the moment, I know I've not gone out and got it yet but I want a second opinion… a third, a fourth…"

"You can't keep going until you get something you'd like to hear," Severide pointed out.

"I know," he replied, "And I know I'll never get something I'd like to hear. I just don't want amputation to be the only option I have and I… I can't keep going like this, can I?"

"No," Severide replied quietly, "No you can't."

"I'm sorry," he sighed, "Sorry for not… for not being strong enough, for letting all this get to me. I just feel like… like I'm in limbo, I'm not doing anything, I'm just here… I think that makes sense?"

"You tell the shrink all this?"

"Yes and no," he shrugged self-deprecatingly.

"Yes and no?" Severide repeated, smiling.

"I think I make things sound better than they are, like I said, I think I've been in denial about… well, about everything." As he spoke he could feel the heavy weight lifting from his chest, he'd not even know it was there but now he felt relieved. "I am concerned about how often I need to take painkillers to just act like normal and I'm worried about all this effecting to you, you're supposed to living life, it feels like I'm stopping you," he admitted. "We should have had this conversation months ago," he added.

"At least we're having it now," Severide nodded. He sighed, "What are we gonna do?"

"I don't know."

"You're a lot stronger than you think but I know me saying that doesn't make you feel any stronger," Severide told him. "I guess we just…"

"Take each day at a time? Yeah but that's not really been working, has it?"

"Matt you're not stopping me living my life," Severide spoke, "What do you think you're stopping me from doing?"

"I don't know," he shook his head, "I don't even know what everyone else does anymore, I don't know what we're meant to be doing…"

"There's no meant to be doing. There's just what we are doing, it is what it is and I'm happy. There's things that would make me happier but I'm not unhappy with my life, I'm not unhappy with you."

"We're good?"

"Of course we are. We always are."

 


	42. Under the Knife

Today wasn't the first time Severide had ended up on the plush couch in Shay's apartment talking about Casey and it probably wouldn't be the last.

He lifted his head back up from his hands, sighing heavily. "I just feel like I'm walking on eggshells around him."

"Just talk to him, you want him to be honest with you," Shay told him, "It works both ways."

"I am being honest, I just... I just want him to get all this sorted." he sat back on the couch. "I do understand why he doesn't want to get this second opinion now but there's no other option, he just doesn't want to hear the same thing again 'cause it's not what he wants. But we just need to know now, he's just postponing the inevitable, he needs to know either way. It's getting too much. The painkillers are getting too much but I can't deny him anything. And I can't push him to get all this sorted."

"Why not?"

"You know exactly why," he responded, shaking his head, "He'll retreat right back into his shell."

"I don't think he will. Maybe he needs a push now," Shay said, nodding encouragingly.

"If we push him and…"

"He needs to be pushed and you need to do it," she told him.

"I love him but I can't, I can't…"

"Kelly you've gotta do this."

He was shaking his head, "You've never seen the look in his eyes when his trust is broken, and he trusts me. He trusts me not to push him."

"Kelly, I love you and I love him but you said it yourself you need to do something about it all and if that means pushing him to get a second opinion then that's what you've got to do. You've already mentioned it more than once. You've got to get it sorted."  
  


* * *

 

When Severide arrived home he found Casey in the kitchen, he turned and smiled at him. "I made lunch. Just sandwiches. Hungry?"

"Starving," Severide grinned back at him.

They ate in silence and Severide cleaned up after them before sitting back down at the dining table.

"Can I take you out tonight?"

"Date night two weeks in a row? Bit extravagant," he commented, smiling.

"Nah, not date night, just out. Have a couple of drinks at that bar you like?"

"Are you feeling all right?"

"What? Why?"

"I have permission for a couple of drinks?"

"Well, maybe just one," he smiled. "So you fancy it then?"

"Sure," Casey nodded. He frowned, "So not date night? No special occasion?"

"Can I not just take the man I love out for a drink?"

Casey shrugged, "I am mainly housebound."

"Hey! We've been out at the boat yard three days this week,"

"Once," Casey said quietly.

"Huh?"

"I only managed to come with you once…"

"Oh yeah, right," he spoke, "You're feeling good today though?"

Casey nodded.

In the bar that evening they sat together by the corner, the lights were dimmed a little and Severide had brought two bottles of beer over. He was sitting with his back facing the room, Casey was looking out at the other people in the bar, he did like to watch.

Casey took a sip of his beer before addressing him. "So what was your real reason for getting me out the apartment?"

"I did some research this afternoon," Severide announced. He pulled a small folder from the inside of his light jacket and dropped it on the table in front of Casey.

Casey just smiled, not even glancing down. "What else have you been hiding in there?" he asked.

"It looks like there are things out there that we can explore Matt. I've got a list of some more orthopaedic doctors in the state, some out of state, all seem like they'd be a good starting point. At least and we can see what they have to say? How does that sound?"

"Kel… you didn't…"

"You've got to get this sorted. I can't see you in so much pain again. I can't Matt."

"I'm sorry." It was an automatic apology.

"I don't want you to apologise I want us to do something about it. It's been weeks since I was discharged. Weeks since you said you'd get a second opinion. We need to do it now. I'm not asking you to do it on your own."

"I'm all right at the moment, I don't need to rush into this…"

"Today is a good day amongst many painful days Matt, you know that. Here just listen to some of this…"

But as Severide spoke, explaining some of the information he found, Casey just sat there and sipped at his drink. Severide wasn't sure he was listening.

He paused when Casey put his empty bottle back down on the table. He just watched Casey for a few moments before continuing. "Matty, I know it takes a lot to ask for help. I know it took a lot to admit how much pain you were in to your doctor, I know all of this could be nonsense or not even an option for you but…"

Something had changed in Casey's expression. His eyes were almost watery.

"What's wrong?" Severide asked, concerned, "Does it hurt now?"

He shook his head. "No, nothing's wrong. Nothing's wrong at all."

"Then what?"

"You care so much."

"Yeah," Severide grinned, "You haven't noticed that already?"

Casey chuckled, Severide could see the love in his eyes. "It's probably all those drugs."

"Tomorrow morning then," Severide nodded, "We're going to get this sorted, all right?"

Casey was silent for a few moments. He was biting his lip as he had a tendency to whenever something was bothering him. "I don't want to lose my leg…"

"I know baby but…"

"No, listen," he began softly, "I don't want to lose it but really what difference would it make now?" His eyes told Severide more than the words he was saying.

"It might not even come down to that Matt, more surgery may help," Severide tried to reassure him, seeing how torn he was, how unsure he was what to do for the best.

"If amputation is the only option that's going to have the best outcome then… then that's going happen. I know I've been an idiot, not wanting to find out what can be done and all but I dunno…" he sighed, "Like I said the other day, I've been in denial."

"But you're gonna listen to me, right? I don't want to force anything on to you but we can't have these conversations and not follow through."

Casey nodded and sat back in his chair. "No more backwards and forwards, no more storming out of doctors' offices..." The corners of his mouth turned up in the semblance of a smile as he thought about it.

"We can blame all that on those damn pills if you want?"

"I don't want anything to excuse my behaviour over the last… forever… it feels like forever."

"Well we can blame those meds for some things. Those tremors have stopped since they lowered your dosages," Severide smiled. He could tell that Casey was relieved that they were talking in such depth about all this again and he hoped it wasn't just going to be talk, he needed to take action too.

"No but they had been lessening before so…"

"Shh stop trying put a damper on anything I say," Severide shook his head a Casey in mock annoyance and grinned widely.

"Sorry," he chuckled. "And thank you. I know I'm like a broken record but… well like you say, I've always been a mess. Now I just can't hide it apparently."

"You're not such a mess. A year ago, six months even, you would have pushed me away."

"I did push you away. More than once…" he shook his head as memories filled his mind.

"All in the past."

"To the future then…" They both peered down at the table in front of them where two empty glasses stood. Casey just grinned. "Think a toast is a good enough excuse for another drink, right? Juice?"

"Nah, beer, doc said you're fine drinking moderately now the meds have been reduced," Severide smiled back at him, he knew he had to stop being quite so overprotective. "I'll grab us a couple of beers then we'll call it a night, we need to get home," He leaned forward and spoke closely to Casey, "I need to get those clothes off you…"  
  


* * *

 

A couple of weeks later Casey and Severide were on their way back from a meeting with an orthopaedic doctor. He wasn't much older than Casey and he was very straight talking and to the point, there was no wavering around trying to be tactful. And they both found that refreshing. It had been Casey's second meeting with the man, and his third at the hospital because he needed to have new scans done. They had talked with the doctor to go over the new scans and Casey had now found the other option he so desperately needed because the corticosteroid injections hadn't been at all successful. It wouldn't be without risk but it did provide an alternative to the amputation he feared. The surgery would be much harder and take a greater toll on him to begin with, but in the long run they hoped it would prove to be the best solution for him.

It would consist of two reconstructive surgeries, one on his pelvis and one on his knee. Both his hip joints would be replaced with new artificial ones and his knee would be replaced with a titanium joint and parts of his tibia and fibula would be removed and replaced with cadaver bones. The surgeries were going to be tough procedures but they would hopefully prove successful.

Casey pulled up in the parking space and stopped the truck. He was glad he had been cleared to drive again, it made things so much easier and made him feel more normal now he didn't have to rely on Severide or cabs every time he needed to go anywhere. Even though Severide would always want to drive him when he wasn't at work and if Casey wasn't feeling up to it.

"What are you thinking?" Severide asked after a few moments of silence.

"Medical bills are gonna be racking up again..." he replied quietly after thinking for a while, one hand still on the steering wheel as he sat staring through the windscreen at the busy street.

"Insurance covers all your scans," he responded.

"Yeah," Casey nodded.

"Should I ask you again in a few hours?"

Casey shook his head after a moment, still not unfastening his seatbelt.

"Matty?" he pressed.

"I want to want to do it," Casey answered eventually.

"Ok," he nodded, "Why don't you want to do it?"

Casey's brows were furrowed in thought, the tip of his tongue gripped between his teeth as was his habit when something was bothering him. "It's a helluva lot to go through. Two more big surgeries, more rehab, and it's not even guaranteed to work, or if it does it may only be temporary." He shrugged, "Could still end up losing my leg…"

Severide just nodded in agreement. They'd spent over an hour with the doctor whilst he explained everything to them so Severide just wanted to let Casey talk it all through now, to think it all aloud with him.

"It'll be expensive…"

"No, it won't, even if it's not all covered and I'm sure it will be Matt. Don't worry about any of that, don't let it influence you either way, all right? This all has to be about you. What you want. What's best for you," Severide told him clearly, determined that Casey would get to do what he wanted this time.

"I don't want to make the wrong decision," he answered.

"Do you want to know what I think?"

"Always."

"I think you should do it and I think really you do want to," Severide spoke, "If it doesn't work out then it doesn't but at least you've done everything possible to keep your leg, which is what you really want, isn't it?"

"I wanted to run," he said sadly.

"I know," Severide just took his hand, "I want you to be as pain free as possible and that's not as simple as chopping your leg off, we know that already. So, I think you should go for it."

Casey was silent again for a short time, thinking, an array of emotions crossing his face and in his eyes.

"What are you worried about? I think you should just do it, yeah?"

"Two surgeries is a lot…" he began, "I need to be healthy enough for that, I need to pass all their tests."

"Your last check-up was really positive Matt," Severide reminded him.

He let out a breath and nodded. "All right, provisionally I'm gonna go for it."

"Provisionally?"

"Don't want to rush into a decision but you're right, I do want to do it. As soon as he said he'd do reconstructive surgery I wanted to do it. My heart says yes all the way, my gut says yes but my head… my head is… it's all over the place… thinking how it could work and how it could go so wrong."

"That's not gonna change, it never does, you'll always doubt your own decisions but you've rarely made a bad one."

A tiny smile pulled at the corners of Casey's lips. "You know if it happens… if it happens and it's successful then we can get past all this and just be normal for once."

"All of this is our normal Matt, but not seeing you in pain that would be…" he let out a breath and just smiled, "It kills me every time I can't help you and I don't want you to apologise for that. It's just the truth and I'm glad all of this has finally happened."

"You mean you're happy I finally listened to you," Casey grinned.

"You were listening to me, you just needed another push."

"Don't know what I'd do without you."

"'You'll never have to do without me baby. Now c'mon let's get out of here. We can finish up that Thai food from the other night..."

"Reckon we'll end up with food poisoning…"

"Nah, it's still good. Can't waste it."

"I'll make something else. That stuff needs throwing out, you can't eat it."

"Watch me," Severide just gave Casey a cheeky grin, partly serious but partly just winding him up.

"I'll be watching you, watching you throw up, or worse…"  
  


* * *

 

Severide never did get food poisoning as Casey hadn't let him take the risk of eating the leftovers, and a few days later Severide was glad to get home from his shift. The weather outside was stifling but their apartment was cool, Casey had managed to fix the air conditioning unit, it had only been broken for a couple of days. But if felt like a very long two days and even opening the windows hadn't helped, and apparently it wasn't appropriate to walk around naked even when the two of them were on their own. Casey maintained it was far too distracting for him and Severide had just joked that he was surprised he wasn't wearing more than just his shorts and t-shirt. Everything seemed fine now and Severide was glad of the coolness in the apartment until he found Casey in the bathroom running one of his hands under the tap, washing blood away.

"Baby?" he rushed over to him.

"I'm all right," Casey answered, concentrating on cleaning up his right palm, "Embarrassed but fine."

"What happened?" Severide asked. He wordlessly moved Casey away from the sink and sat him down on the closed toilet lid.

"We ran out juice and I know you like to have some when you get in, thought I'd just walk down the block…" he said, watching as Severide reached for the small first aid kit.

Severide knelt down in front of Casey and took his hand which was still bleeding from two deep grazes. There was no point in telling Casey that he should have called and he'd have picked some up, no point in saying that juice wasn't worth him hurting himself. And it's not as if something happened to him every time he left the apartment, incidents like this did happen and they really were quite rare, just not as rare as Severide wished.

"Stepped off the sidewalk and just fell, juice went flying, sorry," Casey continued. He looked down at Severide as he sorted out his hand.

"This is gonna sting a little baby…"

Casey grimaced as he cleaned up the bloody grazes with antiseptic, held some fresh gauze over them and wrapped his hand in a bright white bandage, securing it with a small strip of adhesive tape.

He looked up at Casey and smiled. "All sorted."

Casey could have said that he'd have been just fine cleaning himself up and dressing his own hand but he didn't, there was no need. In a way he was glad Severide had done it. It felt nice to have someone to care about him. "Thanks."

"Dropped by the pharmacy on my way back, picked up some laxatives," Severide told him while he put the first aid kit away.

"Great… my favourite…" he grumbled.

"Well at least you didn't have the cashier flirting with you before asking for them," Severide shook his head.

"Oh no…" Casey chuckled, "Really?"

"She just paused, think I must have gone bright red," Severide laughed.

"Sorry Kel… although I hope you weren't flirting back…" Casey's eyes narrowed and he pursed his lips in jest.

"Me? Flirting? All I have to do is stand there with my smouldering good looks and all the women just flock to me..."

"Hey!"

"To be fair all you would have to do is stand there. You look like an angel…"

Casey laughed, "Have you been drinking?"

"I got no sleep last night…" he sighed tiredly.

"What? You should have come straight home and straight to bed."

"Can't," Severide shook his head, "Don't wanna mess up my sleeping pattern."

Casey got up steadily and placed a hand on his arm. "C'mon… you need to sleep, at least for a few hours."

Severide checked his watch. "You'll wake me?"

"I will," he nodded.

Severide was unconvinced. "Really?"

"I, Matthew Casey, promise to wake you up no matter how cute you look when you sleep." He paused, "And Kelly… I am going to have the two surgeries."

"You are? You made up your mind?"

He smiled a little, shrugging his shoulders. "Like you said, may as well give a go, right?" His eyes betrayed his worry though.

"I think it's the right decision, I do," Severide responded encouragingly.

"Me too, felt relieved when I decided for definite, although now I'm definitely worried as well…" his voice trailed off mid-sentence. "Anyway, you need to get to bed, we can talk about this later if you want but there's not really anything to talk about, I'll get onto the doctor and sort it… you go and sleep…"

"We will talk about it later," Severide smiled.  
  


* * *

 

Casey was sitting at the dining table checking emails on his laptop. He needed to set up an automated response for any work enquiries that might come in since he wouldn't be able to do anything for some time. His surgery was scheduled for the following day and it had been an anxious four week wait. His emotions were constantly swinging back and forth as he wondered if he was doing the right thing, asking himself what the right thing even was. He just hoped he had made the right decision.

Severide sat down in front of him. "You should eat something before you're not allowed," he told Casey gently, knowing how nervous he was. He stroked his arm softly.

"I know," Casey nodded. He wouldn't be able to eat after midnight since his surgery was scheduled for 12:30pm but since it was elective, he could still end up going into the operating room much later if it was needed for an emergency, or if the surgeon was called away. It could even end up having to be postponed.

"How about just some fruit and yoghurt?" Severide suggested.

"Sure," Casey smiled slightly at Severide's concern. "Are you gonna eat too?"

Severide sighed, "I can't. My stomach's doing flip flops. But you need to get something down you, you can have some Ensure, we've still got some in the back of the refrigerator…"

"You need to eat, and that Ensure is right at the back of the fridge for a reason…"

"I can eat tomorrow, you're more important right now."

Casey had to smile again. "How about this, I'll have the yoghurt and the Ensure, two cartons if you want, but only if you have something too."

"You drive a hard bargain."

"Well, we gotta look after each other."

During the night, Casey woke and became aware that he was on his own in the bed, he glanced at the digital clock, it was early in the morning. After a short while he managed to sit up and grab his crutches, lifting himself up.

Severide heard Casey before he saw him. Their flooring did nothing to dull the noise of the crutches. Casey made his way over to where Severide was sat on the couch, just clad in is boxers. "Can't sleep?" he asked Casey as he sat down heavily next to him.

The cats had woken and ambled lazily over to them, rubbing around their bare legs, begging to be played with.

Casey took a deep breath. His whole body was aching. He regretted getting out of bed but he needed to know that Severide was all right. He didn't want to be alone and he didn't want Severide to be alone. "Was gonna ask you the same thing. Have you had any sleep?"

Severide shook his head, rubbing a palm over his tired face. "Least you've managed a few hours. More important that you've slept."

He smiled a little. "I'm gonna be sleeping quite a bit today, and probably over the next few days."

"You need your strength," Severide replied distractedly, just staring ahead at the blank TV screen.

Casey was silent, deep in thought. He leaned into Severide's side, physical comfort for them both. "I just had a strange dream, more of a nightmare I suppose," he began softly, he could tell how worried Severide was. "Woke up in the hospital and turned out that they'd just taken my leg away. You'll make sure they won't do that, right?"

Severide just laughed a little, and that made Casey smile. He took Severide's head gently in his hands and turned his face towards himself, looking into those worried blue eyes.

"It'll be all right Kelly. I know it will."  
  


* * *

 

Casey and Severide arrived at the hospital early in the morning so Casey could have the required cardiovascular exam and blood tests to check that he was fit enough for them to go ahead with the surgery. It was a few hours later when the surgeon came to see Casey in the room he would be staying in.

"Hey Matt," the doctor began. "Good news, test's all came back great, so the next time I'll see you is in the operating room. My colleague will be by to start prepping you, as well as the anaesthetist, Doctor Andrews, you met him in our last meeting. And you'll meet my lovely scrub nurse, Julia, in pre-op. She'll go through questions and security checks with you to confirm your identity and she'll finish prepping you. How does all that sound?" he smiled warmly, "Any questions about it all? I know you've been through the surgery process before but no question is a stupid one."

Casey shook his head, "It's all been covered."

"Good, and you are still happy with the epidural option?"

"Yeah, definitely," Casey almost chuckled.

"It'll work great pain-wise for you and you should be out of recovery faster, and tomorrow we'll see where we're at but your second surgery is provisionally scheduled for two days' time. The epidural will have to come out before then since we can't leave it in longer than three days but we'll be using a nerve block for your knee surgery, it'll make things comfortable for you. It's a lot to go through all at once Matt but you've sailed through the tests and we'll do everything we can to make it as pain free as possible for you."

"Comfortable sounds good, it won't last long will it?" Casey replied, already worrying about post-operative pain levels, knowing his tolerance seemed to be at an all-time low.

"We'll manage your pain the best we can," the surgeon nodded. "After all this whole surgery is about reducing your pain and your need for pain meds as well as improving your mobility. Hopefully you'll be walking again unaided in the near future and if we're lucky, you may even be jogging a little eventually."

"Don't tell him that," Severide piped up, grinning, "He'll be wanting to run out of here the moment he's woken up."

The doctor smiled at them both. "Ok, well I'll see you both again soon," he said as he left them by themselves.

Severide watched as Casey closed his eyes for a moment, breathing deeply and trying to relax. He took his hand and just held it gently.

Casey's eyes flashed open after a while, betraying his anxiousness.

"Matty, you're gonna be fine, you're strong, you're tough, you're gonna be ok…"

"Not as tough as you make me out to be… Kel… what if I can't do it? What if rehab is even worse than before? You said I was strong before, I wasn't then and now I'm even…"

"Shh… it's ok, you're going to be fine," Severide told him assuredly. It wasn't the first time Casey's fear had wound him up into a panic. "You've made the right decision, now all you have to do is relax, you'll be just fine once you've had your pre-meds."

Casey shook his head. "Sorry… I just…"

"You're allowed to panic, you're allowed to be worried, you're not made of stone."

"No," Casey grinned, "I'll be more titanium than anything else before long."

Severide just looked at him, his expression not giving his thoughts away

"What?" Casey said.

"That smile," Severide answered. "I love that smile, I've not seen it nearly enough in the last few months."

It wasn't long until Casey was almost prepped for the surgery, Severide could stay with him until he was taken through to the pre-op room. He was now holding Casey's hand as he lay on his side, it was uncomfortable for him to lie in the position the anaesthetist needed to place the epidural but it needed to be done. The man numbed the area where the catheter would be inserted, explaining the process the whole time but Casey wasn't listening to him. He was focusing on Severide's eyes, holding his hand, distracting himself from the discomfort as the needle was positioned in his spine.

"All done," the man spoke as he taped the catheter in place and sat up, clearing away the used equipment.

They both helped Casey over onto his back, Severide pulled the pale green blanket back over him.

"You'll need to lie still for half an hour," the doctor said. He attached the catheter to a pump to start giving Casey a continuous infusion of medicine. In a short while he wouldn't be able to feel much below the epidural site.

Forty-five minutes later a porter arrived to take Casey up to the pre-op room. Severide took Casey's hand as the porter moved the bed. "I'll see you in a few hours, you better be on your best behaviour in Recovery, no flirting with the nurses…unless it gets you better pain meds…" Severide grinned.

"Kelly I can barely feel anything below my chest I don't think pain's gonna be an issue," he smiled sleepily up at him.

"Good," Severide nodded. "No flirting then, I know what you're like," he teased.

"I'll see you soon," Casey said as the approached they surgical staff only point.

"See you soon," Severide repeated. He let go of Casey's hand, mouthing 'love you' as Casey disappeared through into the pre-op room. When the doors finally swung closed Severide let out a long sigh. It was going to be a very long few hours.


	43. Numb

Severide walked back to Casey's room where he tried to distract himself by setting up a few personal items ready for Casey's return.

"How long's he been in surgery?"

The familiar female voice startled him at first. He turned around to see Shay standing in the doorway. He smiled at her. "What are you doing here?"

"It's not just me." Shay shook her head. "We're all here."

"All?" he questioned.

"The guys are in the waiting room."

Severide shook his head, still smiling, but overcome with emotion. "Thank you."

"Casey's still their family," she told him. "How long's he been in?" she repeated.

"Less than an hour," he responded quietly.

"Come and sit with us, Kelly. You don't need to worry about him. Everyone's thoughts are with him right now."

Severide was still sitting with many of the firehouse family a few hours later when Casey's surgeon appeared. He had a smile on his face which made Severide feel less nervous as he walked over to him.

"It went very well," the man announced. "He's still in recovery at the moment. Already waking up, very groggy, but he'll come around soon."

Severide smiled, happy and relieved at how smoothly it had all gone. "Thank you."

The man placed a hand on his shoulder and gave a quick nod. "Someone will let you know when he's heading back to his room."

* * *

Casey had been wheeled out of the recovery room and back into his private room after he'd woken up a few times, answering the questions he was asked correctly, albeit with some agitation. Severide was eager to see him wake and was sitting vigilantly by his side, he wished he wasn't so used to seeing Casey surrounded by medical equipment. He'd managed to send everyone but Shay home since they wouldn't be able to see him today anyway with the strict visitor rules that were in place, but he'd promised to keep them all updated with Casey's condition.

When Casey woke for the first time since he'd been back in the hospital room he was confused and disoriented. He was trying to move in the hospital bed, trying to dislodge and pull away all the equipment and medical devices. His heart rate rose alerting the nurse who rushed in to see Severide helplessly trying to calm him down.

Casey wasn't listening to anything that was being said. Everything was a blur. His head was fuzzy. He could barely think. He couldn't communicate, it was like he was trapped in a dream. He felt trapped, claustrophobic with all the noise around him. It felt like something was suffocating him. He knew Severide was there, he could hear his voice but he couldn't reach out to him. His heart was racing in his chest, his mind was caught between reality and that dark damp concrete tomb.

Severide took Casey's hand between his own and spoke to him, slowly and calmly, in a soft, gentle voice. He calmed and quietened so quickly it was almost eerie. Uncanny enough for the nurse and Severide to exchange a shocked look as she checked Casey over, making sure his IV's, drains and catheters were still in place and working as they should.

The medical staff decided it would be safer to put some soft restraints onto Casey's wrists just for a short time. Severide agreed because he was well aware how he would constantly trying to pull off the oxygen mask he still had to sleep with at night back home in the apartment. Now he had so much equipment attached to his body that it could prove dangerous if he knocked or pulled anything away. He had drainage tubes in his pelvis, a foley catheter inserted into his bladder, ECG wires secured to his chest and a nasal cannula as well as IVs and more. Severide knew it wouldn't all be there for very long but in the meantime they had to ensure it was all kept intact. He was just so glad that Casey had come through the first major surgery without any complications, and he was sure he would sail through the second one in a couple of days' time just as well.

The next time Casey regained consciousness he just looked at Severide through heavy lidded eyes. Neither of them spoke, there was no need for words, and it wasn't very long before Casey's eyes closed once more and he sank back into sleep.

* * *

After some nagging Shay had managed to persuade Severide that he should return home for a few hours in the evening. But only by promising she would stay by Casey's side, in case he woke up disorientated or in a panic again while Severide was absent. Severide had explained what had happened so that she wasn't alarmed by the restraints when she entered the room. he sat herself in the easy chair in the corner with a bottle of coke and some chips, lazily flicking through a magazine and glancing up at Casey every so often. He hadn't made a sound since she had been with him, only moved a little, pulling lightly against the soft wrist restraints while he slept.

When Casey opened his eyes again he was looking up at the point where the tiled ceiling met the cream wall, and it took him a few moments to realise he was in hospital, surrounded by the all too familiar bleeps and hisses of the medical equipment, and the smell of antiseptic.

"Hey, Matt," he heard a soft female voice.

He managed to turn his head a little in the direction of the sound. "Shay..." he croaked, his throat sore and dry.

"How are you feeling, hun?"

"Kel..?"

"He's gone home, sweetie... he'll be back soon," she told him.

"Can't feel my legs..." Casey murmured.

"You've still got the epidural in, it's numbing everything below your waist, the surgery went really well they're just trying to keep you pain-free," Shay explained.

Casey tried to move his arm. He needed to free himself from whatever was irritating his face but he couldn't get his hand any more than a few inches from its position by his side. That's when he noticed the soft restraints that were limiting his reach.

"What… what did I do? What happened?" he asked her, tears springing into his eyes, his voice cracking.

"Nothing, sweetie," Shay answered him quickly. She put down the magazine and going to Casey's side. "Nothing, you were just a little confused, trying to get everything off. I can undo them for a bit now you're awake properly…"

"Sev… Sev says I'm like a child or something… in my sleep… he always has to stop me from pulling away the oxygen… you think I'd be used to it by now…"

"You're still recovering from the anaesthesia, it can make things…"

"Don't need an excuse…" he muttered. "Where's Kelly?" he repeated.

"He's gone home for a shower and to check on the cats," she told him again as she unfastened the restraints for him.

* * *

Severide returned to the hospital for a couple of hours before visiting hours ended and he had to go home again, but he was back first thing in the morning. Casey was still tired and the brutal surgery had taken its toll on his body. After speaking to the doctor, Severide discovered that he had suffered a few arrhythmias so they were going to postpone his second surgery for a few days to give him a little more time to recover. The drains were still in place and some ice packs had been placed over the large gauze pads protecting some of Casey's incisions. He still wore no gown but was swathed in some white sheets and pale green blankets for comfort, with his arms propped by his sides on two soft pillows. The restraints were still on the bed, only being used when he was alone now.

As Severide sat with Casey he read to him. Casey was half awake but too exhausted to keep his eyes open for very long. Severide had brought Casey's book 'A Brief History of the Universe' with him. Severide rarely read non-fiction books, nor fictional ones for that matter whereas Casey was an avid reader and was interested in all sort of topics, finding everything fascinating. Severide had started at the beginning the previous night and he was finding himself getting more and more interested in the subject matter as he read it aloud to Casey. The sound of Severide's voice seemed to keep Casey calmer and less restless. All the staff had noticed how much more settled he seemed to be when Severide was with him. So far Casey had only managed to hold a few very short conversations with him and everyone else but that would improve as he recovered.

By the end of the day Casey was managing to stay awake for longer periods of time. His surgeon had been to talk to him and he had been able to have a short conversation with him. Now Severide was insisting that he ate some of the food that the orderly had brought round. He had shaken his head at first, reluctant to eat anything, still too out of it to really concentrate but when he realised that Severide had raised the bed and swung the table over his lap he finally agreed to try some of the food.

It didn't take Severide long to realise that it wasn't going to go well. Casey was so tired he was barely able to raise his hand let alone take hold of the sandwich and lift it to his mouth.

"Stop, baby," Severide told him. He picked up the sandwich. "You just concentrate on opening your mouth and chewing, ok?"

"Mmm…"

"Here." Severide held the food up to Casey's lips and he took a bite, chewing slowly, eyes closed. Then another bite, and before long he had managed to eat half the sandwich. Severide was satisfied that at least Casey had eaten something so he sat back in the chair and smiled. "Still feeling all right?" he asked.

Casey nodded. The drugs being pumped into the epidural catheter were already being reduced and Severide was scared that eventually Casey was going to be in serious pain from the surgery. But the drugs were still holding it off so he was pleased at that.

"That's good then. Want a drink?" he asked.

Casey nodded slightly again and took some sips from the straw in the cup of water Severide held for him. He was almost falling asleep before Severide replaced the water back on the table. He stood up and tucked the sheets and blankets around him so he was warm and comfortable, checking the drainage bags lying by his side, and urine bag hanging at the side of the bed to make sure they didn't need changing.

* * *

The following morning when Severide arrived in Casey's room the restraints were back on his wrists once more, and he was restless and in pain. The epidural had been removed and he had maxed out on the PCA pump. Severide was helpless as Casey's involuntary shudders of pain gradually became moans of agony. He was being overwhelmed by so much pain that he couldn't control it. His jaw was clenched as he gritted his teeth, starting to sweat, calling out to Severide to do something. After a few minutes, during which Casey was just in more and more pain, medical staff surrounded him forcing Severide to leave the room while they looked after Casey.

The next time Casey came around he couldn't really remember what had happened with much clarity. His head was aching and he still felt groggy. He was sure whatever it was it must have been bad so he just apologised to the nurse and to Severide, but they all told him there was no need, that they understood. They were used to cursing and swearing when people were in as much pain as Casey had been.

"It's all right, Matt, you've been pretty out of it," Severide told him as the nurse left after a routine check.

"Sorry…"

Severide just shook his head.

"Don't really remember much…" Casey murmured croakily, "Much of anything… Shay was here?"

Severide nodded. "Yeah, she spoke to you after the surgery."

He frowned, thinking. "Did you feed me?" he asked.

"I sure did," Severide nodded.

"Thought that was a weird dream…"

"Not a dream," Severide responded.

"Kinky."

"I'll add that to your fetish list then," Severide grinned, rolling his eyes, "Don't worry I didn't get off on it."

After a few moments Casey spoke again. "What day is it?"

"Friday," Severide told him, "You had surgery on Wednesday afternoon."

"You've missed work?"

"I took a shift out," he explained.

"You working…"

"Sunday. No, taken that too," Severide answered.

"BBQ tomorrow?"

"Wouldn't be the same without you," Severide said.

Casey shook his head. "No, go, please. Have some fun… and then tell me all about it."

Severide smiled. "Didn't tell you but all the guys from 51 were here..."

"They were?"

"Yeah, all Wednesday afternoon, you're still their lieutenant."

"I pushed them away…"

"Nah, you didn't, distance isn't always a bad thing and you needed it, they understand," Severide responded.

* * *

The next day they had Casey sitting up without any assistance even though he was finding it a struggle, grimacing and biting his lip as he did so.

"Hurts like hell…" He couldn't help but groan as he moved into a sitting position, using his hands to steady himself on the bed. They had put him into a hospital gown now as they needed to get him up and about as soon as possible to help reduce the risk of blood clots. The movement would also help with his pain levels eventually. But for the time being, they could see he was still in so much pain that they decided they would need to nerve block his hips to enable him to move as they needed.

Two more catheters were inserted at the nerve sites on either side of his pelvis and not long afterwards, once the anaesthesia began to work, Casey put on his prosthetic and got to his feet with the help of a walker. He could only manage a few steps but it was a start.

"You good?" Severide asked, he never did go to the BBQ. He was beaming a smile at Casey as they got him back into bed and he removed his prosthetic. The two nurses who had been assisting checked all Casey's wires and tubes to ensure they were all still in place and functioning as they should.

Casey just nodded to him, breathing heavily with the strain of the few steps he had done. He handed his leg to Severide who took it from him and placed it against his wheelchair.

"Any pain, Matt?" one of the nurses asked, concerned that he was still suffering.

He just shook his head. "I'm fine. Thanks."

"We'll leave you to it then, we'll call that a day for now but tomorrow we'll go up and down the corridor, yeah?" she smiled at him.

"Sure," came Casey's one-word response. Severide didn't miss the despondency in Casey's voice and expression. He had thought Casey would have been pleased to be out of bed and on his feet, and ecstatic that he was virtually pain free right now.

Once the two nurses had left, Severide sat down. "Matty, you sure you're ok?"

"Yeah," Casey smiled, a bit too forcefully as he turned towards Severide. "I've been thinking..."

"Dangerous..." Severide teased.

"It's not too late to get your shift back tomorrow, is it?"

"Erm... wanna get rid of me or something?"

Casey shook his head in response. "Just think we need some normalcy..."

"Matty…" Severide began after a moment, "Talk to me… a couple of months ago you were bribing me to take some more shifts off… what's goin' on in that head of yours, huh?"

Casey was silent so Severide just took his hand, holding in gently in his as Casey averted his eyes.

"Are you in pain? It doesn't matter if you are… I know they've done the nerve blocks but if you're still in pain or hurting somewhere else then…"

"It doesn't hurt," Casey spoke up, "Not really."

"Ok, good then what…"

"Just tired," Casey answered before Severide could even finish.

"All right, well that's understandable… doesn't explain why you want me to go to work though."

Casey just looked at him.

"All right, I'll let you get some rest then?" Severide said as he stood up.

"You don't have to go… sorry…"

"Talk to me, what are you thinking?"

Casey shrugged, looking bemused. "I… er… I don't know, not really…"

Severide sat back down. That remark could be a starting point. "Ok, well, you know I'm…"

"Here for me. I know," Casey nodded. "TV?"

Another little step forward Severide thought. Maybe he could get Casey to open up a little more. He just smiled and picked up the remote to switch the small TV on.

Neither of them paid much attention to the screen. Severide's mind was preoccupied with Casey, wondering what was wrong, but he was determined to remain positive and help him. On the other hand, Casey's thoughts had entered a really dark place. They had overwhelmed him quite suddenly. One moment he was happy to be taking a few steps and then the next moment he was swept up in misery, wondering what the hell all the effort was for. No matter how well it worked out he would never be a firefighter again. It would be three years in December since he had suffered such horrific injuries and he had always figured he would be over it by now but his mind still went into that dark place, wondering what the point of everything was without the profession, the lifestyle, that he had loved so much. It had all gone for good.

He knows that Severide and everyone will say all this surgery was for reducing his pain and increasing his mobility, but there has been more than one moment since the terrorist attack where the only thing he has been able to feel was pain. His thoughts weren't helped by the fact that He still dwelt on Benny's words that if he truly did love him, he should leave Severide to find someone, a woman, to settle down and have a family with. Now he couldn't even let Severide have the family they both wanted.

As the credits rolled at the end of the programme Severide took Casey's hand, smiling at him. It was the longest he had managed to stay awake since this last round of surgery. He knew Casey hadn't really been concentrating on the TV, his mind had been preoccupied the whole time, but Severide just kept smiling and eventually Casey broke into a smile as well.

"That's better." Severide grinned at him, pulling his phone from one of his pockets.

"What're you doing?" Casey asked him, his voice quiet but curious.

"Just letting everyone know how you are... you don't mind, do you?" He liked to keep everyone updated on his own Facebook page because Casey hardly ever used his account, and never posted anything on it.

Casey shook his head a little, well aware it was something Severide liked to do. "Can say thanks for the visit and sorry I didn't get to see them."

"How about a photo?" Severide moved so he was partially on the bed, cosying up to Casey, with the phone set to camera mode.

"Stuck in here, looking like I do... don't think so..." Casey grumbled.

"Looking like what? You look good to me, even though I wish you didn't have that gown on now..." Severide teased him with a wink.

"You always say I look good, even if I don't," Casey retorted, almost pouting. 

"C'mon… pose for the camera." Severide smiled, leaning in closer and just as he took the photo Casey turned his head, planting a kiss on his cheek. 

"Maybe that one should stay private," Casey commented quietly as they both looked at the screen.

Severide frowned.

"Well… it's up to you," Casey said.

"I love you, I don't care what anyone thinks, it's going on Facebook." He smiled at Casey's modesty and reluctance. "If you sit up a bit, I'll take another one if you want?"

"Not gonna keep posing for you…"

"You got to."

"You must have hundreds of shots of me, and I bet about half of them are probably me trying to avoid your camera..."

"Actually no, I don't have hundreds," Severide told him, shaking his head slightly.

Casey looked at him, a puzzled expression on his face.

"I have thousands." Severide grinned at the thought of himself scrolling through them whenever he was away from Casey. "You could say I'm obsessed."

"Hmm… well, that's one word for it..."

Severide just kept on grinning, happy that he seemed to have lifted Casey's mood.

* * *

Severide did go to work the next day and Casey did manage to walk up and down a short stretch of the corridor a few times throughout the day. Towards the end of the day Casey was lying in the hospital bed flicking through the TV channels, too tired to concentrate on reading but there were too many thoughts in his head that would not let him sleep.

Casey looked across in response to a knock at the door and he saw Boden's head poke inside, smiling questioningly.

"Chief, come in." Casey smiled back.

"How you doing, Matt?" Boden asked as he strode in, still in his uniform with his radio hung against his chest.

"Well, I think I've significantly brought down the average age on this floor..." Casey laughed.

Boden smiled, pleased to see that his former lieutenant seemed to be doing well. He placed a worn wooden box onto the swing table, along with his radio.

"How's Donna doing? Not long now until her due date, right?"

"No, not long... she's had me decorate the nursery twice now."

"Twice?" Casey's eyes opened wide in surprise.

"Yellow this time so trying to persuade her it doesn't need doing again." Boden laughed. He opened up the box as he was speaking, piquing Casey's attention.

"Chess?"

"If you're up for it?" Boden asked as he pulled up a chair from across the room.

"Definitely." Casey nodded enthusiastically. "Kel never plays with me anymore, he prefers cards, complains I always win... which I don't because I've let him win more than once..." he laughed.

At that moment, the radio crackled into action, voices at the other end passing information, giving orders. Boden watched the expression on Casey's face, feeling so much sympathy for the man who's career had been cut short.

"You'll always miss it, Matt," Boden told him.

"Yeah, I know... wish I didn't though," Casey responded in a soft voice as he watched Boden setting up the chess board.

"Do they have your knee surgery scheduled yet?" Boden asked, deciding that Casey needed a change of topic.

"Tuesday," Casey answered. "It's gonna be a longer surgery, don't know what Severide's told you..."

"He rarely says anything if I'm honest with you, Casey."

"Really?"

"Really. Don't worry, you're not the forefront of firehouse gossip," Boden smiled.

"Well, that would be horrid..." Casey chuckled.

"So, Matt, you were saying about your surgery..."

"Erm yeah... they're replacing my knee joint and some of the bones in my leg... with cadaver bones..."

"Sounds pretty impressive," Boden said, but he hadn't missed the way Casey had spoken. "Matt… I've known you for a long time and…"

"Chief… do you mind?" Casey interrupted. "Could we just play chess?"

Boden just smiled at him. "Sure. Now, you want black or white?"

Casey didn't miss the joke there nor did Boden and they both laughed out loud together.

* * *

When Severide arrived at the hospital on the Monday morning after his shift he found Casey walking down the corridor with one of the nurses by his side. He took her place and walked slowly alongside Casey as he used the walker for support. He held the IV pole and monitor and pushed it along as Casey took some slow and steady steps.

Back in his hospital room a short while later Casey was staring at the ceiling, lost in his thoughts, while Severide was scrolling through his phone.

"Maybe they should just take it after all," Casey said out of the blue.

"Huh?" Severide responded, unsure what he was referring to.

"My leg. Maybe they should just take it..."

"Is that what's been going on with you? You've already had one surgery, baby. You're half way there, don't give up now."

"What's the point in keeping it?" Casey let out a heavy sigh. "I dunno… I just have a bad feeling about this knee thing..."

Severide closed the screen on his phone and moved over to Casey's side on the bed. "Matt, I think you're just feeling a bit… a bit down… that's all. In just over a day it'll all be over and you can start to get better."

"It would be an easier surgery…"

Severide should have known Casey would have been questioning his decision still. "We've talk about this before and I still think it's the best decision," he told Casey.

"Yeah, yeah, of course, yeah, it is. It's the right choice." He looked across into Severide's eyes for reassurance.

Severide smiled. "Am I gonna be reminding you of that right before you go into the OR tomorrow?"

"Probably."

* * *

Severide waved goodbye to Casey as he was wheeled into the pre-op room just before 4pm the next day. He would never get used to the sight of Casey being taken away into surgery. It would always bother him even though Casey didn't seem to be so worried this time, despite the bad feeling he'd experienced about it all. Severide turned away after a few moments and joined Boden, Herrmann and Shay in the waiting area.

"How was he?" Shay asked him as he sat down next to her.

"More relaxed than last time, at least he seems to be. This better be it for him. It better be the last major surgery has to go through. They said they have to use more general anaesthesia this time so he'll take a while to come around afterwards..."

"He might do," Shay replied, "Or it could just have been the last surgery that he struggled with. He was ok after his transplant, wasn't he?"

"Yeah, true, could just be that."

"He'll be all right, Kelly, I'm sure," Boden chipped in, Herrmann nodded in agreement.

"He's gonna be a while, Kelly," Shay spoke, "You want a coffee?"

"I'll go get them," Boden offered, standing up.

"Thanks, Chief." They all chimed in at the same time. Boden just nodded and strode off the get the drinks.

Severide smiled at Shay, placing an arm around her shoulders, while she wrapped an arm around his waist. Herrmann grinned at them both. Severide knew Shay was right. This surgery was far tougher and would take longer than the hip replacements since they were reconstructing both his knee and his lower leg with the knee replacement and allograft.

That evening Shay and Severide were the only two people left in the waiting room. Both were tired beyond belief but would remain there waiting for Casey for as long as it took. Boden and Herrmann had left a short time ago to return to their families but Severide had promised to update them the minute he knew anything. Shay was asleep resting against Severide's shoulder so he kept still, trying to nod off himself. 

He must have dozed off at some point because the next thing he heard was his name being spoken quietly. His eyes flicked open. A surgeon in scrubs was standing in front of him and he stood up immediately, heart in his mouth when he saw the grim look on the man's face. Shay was wide awake now as well and she stood up next to him.

Severide's guts ran cold when he heard the surgeon's words.

"His heart stopped, we lost him…"


	44. Bionic Man

The sun had just come up and beams of light were shining into the lounge where Severide was sitting on the floor with the two cats sleeping peacefully by his side. Severide had found no sleep overnight so he'd decided to sort through the photos he'd had printed a few weeks ago. He'd been meaning to do it for some time now and he couldn't help but smile at all the memories they brought back to him.

Photos before Casey's injury, taken at 51, of him standing proudly next to Truck 81, photos of him in his dress blues at some ceremonial occasion or other, some more of him just sitting in his office confronted by a stack of files, a priceless disgruntled expression on his adorable face. Photos of the two of them out hiking and fishing, up at Benny's cabin, smoking, shirts off, chopping firewood, in their shorts taking a swim in the lake. Their vacation in Oahu featured heavily, where Severide had taken his first photos of Casey after he had been injured. His sun kissed skin and bleached blond hair, along with that beautiful bright smile. They brought tears to Severide's eyes as he looked down at them in his hand, his fingers softly stroking the images of Casey.

There were photos of Midnight and Pumpkin. Severide couldn't believe how fragile and tiny they looked as they lay on Casey's lap not long after they had rescued them. There were photos of Casey covered in snow, trying to turn away from the camera. Pictures of the two of them out on Navy Pier, out on the boat, smiling, kissing. Severide couldn't help but notice the tired look in Casey's expression but there was still so much life in his eyes, despite everything that had happened.

* * *

Later that morning Severide was sitting in the sterile and clinical setting of the ICU. The sound of the monitors and the equipment filled the room. He was holding Casey's hand. His heart had stopped during the surgery and it had taken almost six minutes to get him back. Once he'd stabilised the surgeon had spoken to Severide as the other doctor finished closing up. Casey had almost made it all the way through the surgery with no complications before he went into a sudden cardiac arrest. Now though Casey wasn't waking up. His brainstem reflexes were depressed. He was unresponsive to painful stimuli and had no limb responses, only reflex movements. Casey had been in a coma for two days.

Casey didn't even look sick. Not like when he'd been in the ICU before. Severide just sat and watched the gentle rise and fall of Casey's chest in time with his breathing. The only thing that told him he lived. And if not for all the medical equipment attached to his body, he would just look like he was sleeping peacefully. This time, his left leg was heavily bandaged and secured in a full length black leg brace, propped up on pillows to help his circulation. A narrow tube snaked out from the bandages, draining blood from the wounds. They had dressed him in a gown, but it was open at the front, revealing the ECG leads secured to his chest. He had no sheet or blanket. There was little dignity in the ICU.

Severide was wracked with guilt and he couldn't rid his mind of the image that had haunted him for well over a year. Casey waking up from his last cardiac arrest and not knowing who he was. He would never forget the look on Casey's face, and the spiteful words that came. He knew it wasn't Casey's fault because he wasn't himself, but nevertheless it had hurt and Severide couldn't help but worry that the same thing may happen again, if, no, when Casey woke. He couldn't help feeling that he was to blame for this crisis because he had pushed Casey into having this major surgery, knowing how risky it could prove for his already damaged heart. He had to keep reminding himself that Casey had passed all the tests before both surgeries but he still couldn't help blaming himself. Casey had said he'd had a bad feeling about it all.

He spoke to Casey and read to him just as he did before he'd slipped into the coma. He would take his hand and kiss his cheek or forehead, longing for him to open his eyes, longing for him to come back from the deep unconsciousness. Severide wasn't Casey's only visitor, his old crew came by, the Chaplain and Boden came and sat with him when Shay managed to urge Severide home.

Severide had done something that even surprised him on the third night Casey had remained unconscious. Something he had never done before. He had been leaving the hospital when he had passed by the chapel on his way out of the building. Something had drawn him inside. He had sat there for a while in the calm and quiet atmosphere, and for the very first time in his life Kelly Severide prayed. Casey was the one who had been brought up with religion, not him. He'd never had much of an opinion over it or involvement but he had seen miracles happen, things he didn't think would be possible in his line of duty, maybe it was circumstance and luck or maybe there was something else.

* * *

When Severide arrived at the hospital the next day, the nurse at the ICU station was beaming a smile at him, lifting his mood right away, making him smile since there was clearly some good news about Casey.

"He's woken up," she informed him, "Opened his eyes a couple of hours ago, and the doctor's just taken him off the vent."

"He's awake?" Severide heaved a sigh of relief, smiling at her. "Is he all right?"

"Seems to be so far," she told him.

"Does he know what happened?"

She shook her head. "No, he just answered a few simple questions before he fell back to sleep. He may be up for more later though."

Severide let out a long breath, emotion bubbling up inside him, almost rendering him speechless.

"This is good Kelly," she told him, seeing how affected he was by the news on Casey.

Severide just nodded, a tight smile on his face, as he tried to force his emotions into order again.

He walked on into the main body of the ICU and sat by Casey's bed, taking his hand as he usually did, and smiling at him, talking to him softly. He watched as the oxygen mask fogged and cleared in time with Casey's breaths. Severide liked that. It was soothing and it meant that his boy was breathing just fine on his own, although he could see from the monitors that his respiration rate was lower than it should be.

Whilst Severide waited patiently for Casey to wake again one of the doctors came by and spoke to him briefly, just reiterating what the nurse had told him earlier, and letting him know that they were sure Casey hadn't been compromised by the cardiac arrest or coma. It wasn't too much longer before Casey's eyes flickered open, and when they did Severide leaned over onto the bed to lift away the oxygen mask, he was sure Casey would start trying to swat it away now he was conscious.

"Hey baby," he began softly, stroking Casey's hand.

"K… Kel…" Casey whispered hoarsely.

Severide just grinned, pleased to hear Casey say his name, elated that he knew who he was. He offered Casey an ice chip to help soothe his raw throat since the vent tube had only been removed a few hours earlier. Casey sucked on it gratefully.

"Are you in any pain?" Severide asked for what felt like the thousandth time.

Casey moved his head a little, shaking it to give Severide his answer.

"Good," he nodded, still smiling. "You're in the hospital. Do you remember?"

"Mmm…"

"You're in the ICU. The surgery… the surgery went well, they managed to replace your knee and… the surgery went well, Matty… but… but you went into cardiac arrest…" Severide told him, trying to explain but falling over his own words.

"Kel…" Casey's weary voice stopped him. "I know…" he whispered.

Severide could only frown. "What?" he questioned. He knew no one had told Casey what had happened at the end of his surgery yet.

"I saw… I saw you… could hear voices but… but I could… could only see… see you…"

"What do you mean baby?"

"I saw you... in the waiting room... you couldn't see me…"

"Erm... right... ok..." Severide stuttered, unsure what to think or say. "Erm... how are you feeling? Want me to get the doctor?"

"Just tired..."

"All right, well, get some rest then."

Casey's eyes closed. "Kel..."

"Yeah baby?"

"Love you..."

"I love you too." Severide placed the oxygen mask back over Casey's face and sat back in the chair. More mystified than anything else. He stood up, still thinking about what Casey had said to him. After a few moments spent just looking down at Casey's peaceful form he left the room, alerting the nurse at the station that Casey had woken again. He seized the chance to grab a coffee and something to eat from the hospital cafeteria so that he would be back with Casey when he next woke up.

* * *

Casey didn't wake again until the afternoon and when he did he found Severide sleeping in the chair by his side. Casey could see the worry lines etched on Severide's face even as he slept. He had caused so much worry and stress in Severide's life but here he was, still supporting and encouraging him, still lovingly by his side despite everything.

He smiled at Severide as he slept, and soon Severide's eyes opened. "Kel…" he spoke, his voice not much higher than a whisper.

Severide was smiling now, he moved closer to Casey's side. "Hey baby. How you doing?"

"Where…"

"Where are you? ICU," Severide answered.

"No…" he groaned. "What happened?"

Severide paused, Casey could clearly not recall their earlier conversation. "You went into cardiac arrest just before they were about to close you up… you remember the knee surgery, yeah?"

"Yeah…"

"Well, they managed to do everything they'd planned and your leg looks good, so do your hips, doc showed me all the scans," Severide spoke as positively as he could manage.

"Cardiac arrest… last time…"

"You're all right, you seem all right, do you feel ok?"

"Think so…"

Severide smiled, he grasped Casey's hand, he was unsure if he should be telling him more details right now, should he be telling him that he'd flatlined for almost six minutes? That he'd been in a coma for fifty-four hours? And that the last time he'd woken he'd appeared to have had some sort of near death experience? He didn't want to keep it all from him, at least not the facts, and he knew Casey would want to know more.

"Kel…" Casey urged.

"Your heart stopped," Severide told him, "It took a little time to get it going again. You've been in a coma for two days but I spoke to the doctor and he's really pleased with how you're doing now."

"A coma…" he groaned, shaking his head a fraction, worry mixed with agitation on his face.

"You're all right, you've done really well Matt, really well."

"Didn't… didn't do anything…"

"You pulled through, you made it," Severide nodded down at him.

"But… but what now..?"

"Now you just need to rest…"

"No…" he moaned, "So damaged… what… what do I do…"

"Matt, baby, you're all right." Severide wiped a tear from Casey's cheek. "You're anything but damaged and broken. I love you. Look at me," he smiled.

Casey's tired and watery eyes met his and he calmed instantly.

"This is all just gonna be a little blip in time, I'll get you back home soon, I promise." Severide leaned over and kissed his forehead.

Casey couldn't fight unconsciousness any longer and as his eyes slipped closed Severide put the oxygen mask back over his face.

* * *

Later that same day they got Casey sitting up in the bed and moving a bit. It was so important for the mobility of his new joints. It had exhausted him, he felt breathless and lightheaded but he'd done it. And despite the sudden cardiac arrest, and the strain on his body from both surgeries Casey was surpassing the doctors' expectations. After one more day in the ICU he was moved back to a private room.

"Hey bionic man," Severide smiled, greeting him as he entered the room to find Casey sitting up in bed. It was the afternoon after Casey had been moved from the ICU. Severide had only left Casey to pick up some more things from home for him, another couple of books since he'd read the others to him now.

"Think it's bionic baby to you…"

"Just how high are you?" Severide retorted, delighted that Casey seemed more lucid now. The difference in him over the last day had been amazing.

"Dunno… I'm hungry… like, really hungry."

"You're not just saying that to make me happy?" Severide knew Casey too well.

"When have I ever done that? Wait. Don't answer that. I really am hungry though… so hungry and so tired… I want to sleep…"

"What do you want first? Food or sleep?"

"Can't I have both?"

"Not at the same time." Severide shook his head, grinning at him.

In the end Severide went down to the cafeteria to get Casey something to eat since it was going to be a few hours before he was given his dinner. By the time he arrived back in the room Casey was fast asleep, his lips parted slightly, and as usual he hadn't replaced the oxygen mask. Severide slipped it back over his calm face, trying not to wake him. He wondered when Casey would be downgraded to the nasal cannula, but from the sound of Casey's breaths and his respiratory rate that lit up the monitor he wasn't sure it would happen any time soon. He smiled as the numbers increased on the monitor now the mask was back on and sat back down. He ate some of the food he had brought for Casey, leaving a little in case he did wake before dinner. At this rate Severide was sure he would have gained a few pounds and a lot more grey hair during Casey's latest hospital stay.

* * *

Boden came by the next day. Severide had gone home, Casey had insisted on it because he hadn't want him to be there for his physiotherapy session. He'd taken a few tentative steps after doing some small exercises on the bed. He was weak and exhausted, a usual state for him now, but he wasn't in much pain. Although he knew that might change soon, there were still nerve blocks in place but he'd been told they'd be gone tomorrow and he'd be having oral painkillers, he wasn't even going to have the PCA pump. It bothered him how that worried him but he understood why they were doing it, during the entire hospital stay they'd been trying to reduce his need for narcotics and hopefully the surgery was successful in terms of pain management as well.

Casey pulled off the oxygen mask. "Not in the mood for chess…" he commented wearily as Boden walked in.

"That's fine Matt. Just thought I'd keep you company for a while," Boden replied as he sat down in what was usually Severide's chair.

Casey scowled. "Why?" The word came out harsher than he had intended but he didn't say anything else.

"Figured you'd be going stir crazy after being here so long…"

"Had longer stays," Casey responded abruptly. "And I've skipped quite a bit… the coma and all…"

Boden smiled calmly at him. "Well, you look pretty good for a guy who's just come out of a coma."

Casey's expression suddenly softened from the scowl into a smile and he turned to Boden. "Thanks."

"Kelly not here?" Boden enquired.

He was still smiling. "Managed to send him home. He shouldn't be stuck here with me and as much as I love him I just… I needed a break. It's been a long time but…"

"But you're used to not having anyone," Boden finished.

"I couldn't get by without Kelly now though, and I wouldn't want to."

Boden smiled at Casey's words. Genuinely happy for him that he didn't have to manage through all this on his own, and that he'd come to accept that he had someone he could rely on.

"How's everything going?" Boden asked after a few moments of comfortable silence.

"Well, sitting up is exhausting… actually just breathing is tiring. I'm not getting enough oxygen…" He spent a good twenty minutes rambling on to his former chief about everything that had happened in his latest, and hopefully final, hospital stay. He spoke of Severide and the staff, the elderly man who'd accidently turned up in his room and the nurse that had been batting eyelids at Severide.

Boden hadn't expected Casey to talk much to him at all, let alone so openly and honestly, even though he kept repeating himself and rambling on about other things. He was just happy that, for whatever reason, Casey was opening up and talking to him.

"My heart's struggling…" Casey continued, "But that's not entirely new. I'll be all right though, I'll manage."

"I don't doubt that, Matt. You're strong and you will be fine. I know you'll come out the other side of this..."

* * *

Severide was in the apartment sorting out the food dispenser and water supply for the cats when his phone buzzed. He slid it from his pocket and looked at the screen. Boden. He took the call. "Chief."

 _"'Kelly. Just been with Casey. He's, well, there's something a little off about him,"_ Boden spoke, _"Thought I'd let you know, I'm sure it's nothing but…"_  
  
"Yeah I know," Severide nodded, "He's erm… he's been erratic with his moods recently."

 _"The meds?"_  
  
"Yeah and they seem to exaggerate his PTSD at times, and this whole hospital stay has done a number on him. Thanks for calling though, and seeing him, kicked me out earlier."

 _"You might wanna drop by again,"_ Boden responded, _"He's being very… open."_

"Yeah, thanks for the head's up." Severide closed the call and grabbed his keys from the side.

* * *

When Severide returned to the hospital he stood outside Casey's room, there was a doctor he didn't recognise having a conversation with him. When the man left Severide slipped into the room. He smiled at Casey, who looked exhausted, even more tired than when he'd left him earlier that day.

"All good?" he asked, half dreading the answer.

Casey nodded. "Cardiologist."

"What did he have to say?"

"Erm… just…" He struggled to think when he was tired now, he hadn't before his injuries, he could go a whole shift and longer with little or no sleep but now everything drained him.

"Matty?"

"He's gonna come back when I'm little more lucid but the gist of it… my hearts not pumping as well as it should be…"

"It was like that before, at times," Severide said.

"Yeah, sounds like it's worse now…" Casey's voice was growing hoarse as he grew more tired.

"Is it gonna get worse?" Severide asked softly.

"Don't think so."

"Don't think so?"

"He's gonna come back, be better if you're here when he is, I'm still a bit… out of it, I guess. Think they need to do some more tests or something..."

"All right, ok then," Severide said, sitting down now. "Boden drop in?" he asked Casey casually.

"Yeah. Didn't stay long."

"Ah right." Severide wondered if Casey would even remember his ramblings to Boden and his sudden mood changes during their conversation but he wasn't going to ask despite his concern.

"You can go, you don't need to spend all your time hanging around the hospital."

"I like sitting here with you, you already sent me away this morning, I've hardly seen you today."

"I'm gonna be spending ninety percent of my time asleep," Casey responded.

"Oh yeah? And what about the other ten percent?"

He grinned. "I'm having a party. A rave."

"A rave?"

"Yup. Right here in my hospital room," he grinned tiredly.

"Let me stay baby," Severide smiled, "I'm back at work on Tuesday and it'll be hell not seeing you for more than twenty-four hours."

* * *

The nurse arrived to change the dressing on Casey's incisions, and remove some of the catheters, not long after Casey agreed to let Severide stay. Casey was pleased to be rid of the tubing that had been draining excess blood from his knee. He smiled as the small wound was stitched closed.

"Any chance of wearing some clothes now?" he asked in a hopeful tone.

Severide smiled with him. "Nah Matt, everyone likes your ass as much as I do."

Casey shot him a look as the nurse kept on cleaning and stitching the small incisions left in his knee by the catheters. Severide didn't know how she was keeping a straight face. When she was done she taped gauze over the wounds instead of re-bandaging his whole lower leg and knee.

"Once you're up and about a bit more," the nurse told Casey eventually. "Anything else you need Matt, just call, ok?" She gave a kind smile to them both and they thanked her after she finished up with his leg and left. Casey was now using a continuous passive motion machine to get the joint moving a little and the nurse had set it up to work his leg for twenty minutes. At the moment he was only using it a couple of times a day on a small degree setting.

As the door closed behind the nurse Casey was watching his leg move slightly in the machine. His knee was still swollen and bruised around the wound areas. He had seen what would become his new scar for the first time the previous day, the incision had been stapled together, which hadn't been the original plan but that had changed when Casey's heart had stopped and they had wanted to close him up quickly. The wound ran from above his knee all the way down his lower leg. His leg was going to be even more scarred than before. He couldn't help thinking back to the long hospital stay and all the emergency surgeries he'd had to go through when he had first been injured.

"How is it?" Severide asked him a short time after the nurse had left. Not only had the drains gone, the nerve block catheter that was partially numbing his knee had also been removed.

"Hurts a little," Casey replied honestly, giving a small shrug because he had expected the pain.

Severide leaned over and kissed his lips, very softly, just a tender touch.

Casey's eyes widened with shock. "What are you doing?"

"Distracting you," Severide grinned. "How about a massage? Got the lotion…"

Casey shook his head quickly for a few seconds. "Don't want you to touch my leg."

"I'm gonna get some fresh air." Severide stood up. He didn't want to give Casey any space. He'd rather be able to lie next to him and hold him but he knew some space was the right thing to do. He was used to his erratic moods and anger, they were part of their lives now even though he wished they weren't. They weren't Casey's fault and he would never ever blame him for them.


	45. Physical Contact

Severide returned from the hospital courtyard to Casey's floor after less than an hour. When the elevator doors opened he could hear shouting and yelling. A swarm of staff were racing into Casey's room. When Severide reached the door he pushed his way past some of the staff.

"Matt! What the hell do you think you're doing?" Severide yelled at the sight he discovered. He knew yelling would do nothing to stop Casey, and might even make things worse because he would just yell back in response but it was an automatic reaction

Casey was on the bed. His tray and the food they had given him were spread across the floor by the wall and the water jug was lying nearby, its contents spread in a puddle. He had pulled his IV out, leaving trails of fresh blood across the white sheets. He had ripped off the ECG pads and the wires dangled uselessly by his side, and he had even managed to pull out his foley catheter which lay on the floor leaking a small pool of urine from the tube. He was shouting, trying to get off the bed but without his prosthetic and his left leg immobilised Severide knew he would just collapse straight onto the floor.

Severide instinctively rushed to him and grabbed his arms. "Matt, baby, stop…"

Casey was shaking his head, his face red, eyes full of tears. He was shaking, his breaths shuddering.

"Matty look at me," Severide demanded, trying to manhandle Casey into a less precarious position. Most of the audience had been cleared away and some of the staff had left, seeing how the situation was in control now.

Casey stared up at him, his face showing how lost he was, how he didn't know quite what was going on. "Kel..." his voice cracked but he just kept on focusing on Severide's face, as if he were struggling to ground himself.

"Yeah, I'm here, I'm here…"

"I don't want to be here… they took my leg… I want to go home… please… it hurts…"

Severide's emotions almost got the better of him as he listened to Casey's child-like pleading but he choked them down, knowing he was the only one who could sort this. "Matt, listen to me. They've not taken your leg, you're fine and you'll be going home soon I promise."

Casey just clung to Severide as he moved him gently into a comfortable lying position on the pillows and pulled the sheets and blanket around him. Casey was still breathless from yelling, trying to catch air.

Severide managed to turn his head towards the two remaining nurses. "I'm sorry… it happens sometimes…" he apologised for Casey's behaviour. Although apologising felt like he knew it was wrong and it was, but in the same way it wasn't because it was out of Casey's control. Severide didn't even think he'd remember much of the incident.

They moved in and assessed the damage. The restraints returned and a mild sedative was given. Casey had been lucky to not cause himself any damage when he'd pulled out the tubes and grabbed at the wires. The site where the IV port had been had taken some time to stop bleeding because of the blood thinners he was currently only and a new one were reinserted because they needed the access for fluids and medications. They also made the decision to insert another foley catheter, they expected there to be a little blood now but fortunately nothing serious had happened.

Severide remained sitting with Casey, idly stroking a hand through his hair as Casey's breathing and heartrate settled. Severide had been right and come Monday morning when Casey woke he couldn't remember his outburst the previous day and Severide was glad of that. His PTSD was the cruellest effect of his injuries and the less he knew of its effects on him the better. Casey was still lethargic from the sedative. He had noticed the soft restraints were back again but he hadn't asked what he'd done this time, Severide figured he just assumed it was because he had kept trying to pull his oxygen mask off and not that he had successfully, and painfully, pulled out the foley catheter, and the IV that had been in his arm.  
  
He hoped to hell that he'd never see Casey panic as much as he had been ever again. He didn't even know what had set him off.

* * *

The whole of Tuesday passed in much the same way. Casey was mostly out of it on the sedatives until the middle of the afternoon when they were helping him put his prosthetic on and getting him out of bed and walking around with the IV pole. Then the following day they had increased his time using the CPM machine. His leg was now in it for an hour each time, twice a day, which was painful for him but he knew it had to be done to increase his knee's range of motion. The rest of his time was spent drifting in and out of sleep.

Casey was lying in the hospital bed the next morning. He was more than exhausted, they'd had him up and walking for almost half an hour after breakfast. A lot of pressure was put on his residual limb since his left leg was still securely wrapped up and encased in the brace which wouldn't allow for any movement. He was managing though, despite still becoming breathless at the easiest of activities.

As a small reward for his recent efforts the catheter was removed, they didn't want to keep it in any longer because of the risk to his kidney, and risk of infection. Severide was still grateful there'd been no permanent damage when it had been deliberately pulled out. Casey wasn't sure he saw its removal as a reward because of the worries that were creeping into his mind. He was sure there would be times where he'd have to use the bedpan and it wasn't a thought he relished. He didn't know how he was going to cope at home because he rarely used his prosthetic in the apartment and certainly didn't hassle with it just so he could get up and go to the bathroom, he relied on his crutches for that.

Severide's voice broke into his thoughts. "What are you thinking?"

For a moment Casey made no reaction, as if he'd not heard Severide, but then he turned to him and gave a wan smile. "About home," he responded.

"Shouldn't be too long now 'til you can get out of here," Severide smiled.

"No?" Casey looked doubtful.

"Few days tops, I bet," Severide told him.

That earned a grin from Casey. "How much?"

Severide considered thoughtfully, then shook his head. "I learnt a long time ago not to bet against you... for anything."

"Chicken."

"Chicken?" Severide laughed, "That your best insult?"

Casey chuckled, grinning, but as he did red sprayed from his nose. He lifted a hand to his face but it wasn't quick enough to stop the torrent of thick blood that came.

"Kel…" The name left his blood covered lips automatically as he tried to pinch his nose.

Severide had already grabbed a load of tissues from the side table and passed them to him, but they did nothing to staunch the flow of blood. He hit the call button whilst Casey held the tissue to his nose, it was already saturated in blood, it was running through his fingers.

When a nurse hurried in Casey was already gagging and retching on the blood that was running down into the back of his throat. Severide was holding an emesis basin in front of him, and holding his arm, trying to offer some comfort.

The nurse lay the bed flat. She cracked an ice pack to activate it, handing it to Severide to place at the bridge of Casey's nose, whilst she held a wad of gauze over his face to try and stop the bleeding. Several minutes later the bleeding was just as bad and the nurse paged the on-call doctor for further advice. Now Casey's mouth, neck and the front of his gown were soaked in blood and it had run onto the bedding by the side of his head.

When the doctor arrived Casey was becoming lightheaded, spitting blood and gagging wretchedly on the metallic taste in his mouth. Severide had to move away and the doctor was forced to pack his nose. He knew the bleeding probably wouldn't stop on its own due to the blood thinning medication Casey was taking, compromising his ability to clot.

"I hate warfarin…" Casey groaned once the doctor and nurse had been able to leave. He hated how long it took to stop any bleeding, hated how easily he bruised. He knew that for as long as he was on the antirejection medications, the blood thinners only made it worse, his body would be littered with bruises and marks that just seemed to appear from nowhere. As if his body wasn't wrecked enough by all the scarring.

"If you could choose one medicine never to have again what would..."

"Prednisone," he responded before Severide could even finish.

"Oh yeah?"

"It's not so bad now it's been reduced but yeah, definitely... blood thinners can be second on the list… maybe third… didn't like those tremors and cramps… but also don't really like bleeding so much…"

Severide passed him the water, he drank some, swirled it around his mouth and spat back out red tinted liquid.

Casey's head dropped back down to the pillow. "I want this to be over…" he said quietly.

"Hey, baby, its fine, you're all sorted now," Severide took his hand.

"It's not fine though, is it?" he averted his eyes. "Just look at me… I don't even recognise myself…"

Severide gently touched Casey's cheek, turning his head back to face him. "It's just a few more scars," he responded, although really he knew that wasn't exactly what Casey was talking about. "You should never be ashamed of your scars, Matt. They just prove to me, show the world, that you're so much stronger than everything that's hurt you… I know everything is so much different now, you're always gonna miss things from before but…"

"Kelly, it's all right, you don't need to do this, I don't need another… pep talk, or whatever it is. I shouldn't have said anything. I say too much now…"

"I love... I love it so much that you talk to me, I really do."

"I know," he smiled. "Hey, didn't you say you had a video of Pumpkin from last night to show me?"

Severide said nothing for a moment, just studied Casey's face before smiling back at him. "Yeah, yeah I did." He pulled his phone and passed it to Casey.

* * *

Severide was sitting hunched over his desk, his body aching from the last call he'd just returned from. But it wasn't his body that was causing him to feel so tired and worn down right now. After a quick knock at the door, it opened and Shay came in, already speaking as she closed it behind her.

"Hey… I called you last night."

"You did? Sorry," he muttered, still looking down at the report he was attempting to write, not even wanting to face her at that moment.

"Things not going well with Matt?" It was an easy assumption for her to make. Everyone at 51 had been delighted to hear that Casey had woken from the coma a week ago but everything was still taking a heavy toll on their squad lieutenant during his first shift back since Casey's second round of surgery.

After a while, Severide put his pen down and rubbed his eyes with the heels of his palms, turning his chair, almost sighing as he spoke to her. "What do you want me to say?"

"The truth, Kelly." She could only imagine how Casey was dealing with his latest medical crisis with his PTSD in full flow. Last time something major had happened to him he had left Severide with no explanation.

Severide was shaking his head. "Don't even know what that is… Look, I've got a load of paperwork to catch up on and…"

"Kelly…"

"I just want to focus on work, all right?"

"Sure." Shay shrugged, but she didn't leave the office and didn't speak again until Severide gave her an exasperated look. "Kelly, I know how much you love him, but you can't cure his mental illness with love no matter how much you want to."

"I can try."

"It's wearing you out, and it's gonna break you."

"What the hell else can I do for him?" Severide snapped.

"I don't know. He does need help… you both do."

"Look, when he gets home things will be better. I can't walk away from him while he's struggling so much with everything…"

"Kelly, that's not what I mean, not at all. I just... it's not your fault that he's hurting and that you can't solve every problem."

"Yeah, I know," Severide nodded. "I called the Chaplain. He's going over to the hospital today. Matt gets on well with him, maybe it'll help."

"Hope so, for both your sakes..."

* * *

Casey was managing better each day. Everything was still tiring for him and would be for some time to come, but at least his mobility had already improved a lot since the second surgery. He'd already ditched the walker for the crutches and with Severide's help he'd figured out the best and most comfortable way for him to get off and on the bed on his own.

He was sitting in the chair by the side of his bed when there was a quick knock on the door. It opened and the Chaplain's head appeared a moment later. He smiled widely at Casey. "Mind if I join you, Matt?" he asked cheerily, he knew Casey was unlikely to have seen anyone but the hospital staff today since Severide was working.

"Sure, come in," Casey responded, smiling back at the man.

Orlovsky walked in and perched himself on the side of the bed. He gave a quick nod, brows raised, as he looked at Casey's nose where the packing was taped on his upper lip.

"My brains started falling out," Casey teased, rolling his eyes.

A smile spread across the Chaplain's face, pleased with Casey's attitude. When Severide had called him they had both been concerned that Casey had fallen into a dark downward spiral again.

"Here… you can sit in the chair," Casey began, reaching for his crutches.

The chaplain refrained from asking if he needed help and simply watched as Casey got up from the chair and made the couple of steps to the bed, pausing and moving the IV pole with every step. He sat in the chair as Casey sat himself on the bed, putting his crutches to one side and removing his prosthetic. He took of the liner and gave his residual limb a massage.

"You're in pain?" the Chaplain asked as Casey lay back with an involuntary long sigh.

"Yeah," he responded. Little point in lying, he hadn't been able to hide his pain for a long time.

"I'll get the…"

"No." Casey shook his head. "Don't want anything. Was taking too many before. For at least a year… was overdosing just about every day. I did this to myself..."

"Your heart?" the Chaplain looked puzzled for a moment. He wasn't clued up on all the details but if Casey needed to talk, he was more than happy to listen.

"Taking too many pills... I was weak..." Casey's voice was subdued as he stared up at the ceiling, thinking aloud more than anything.

"Have they said it's because of the..."

"Either way I was addicted… am addicted…" He rolled his head to face the chaplain. "So, you here to offer words of wisdom then?" Casey's voice was scathing now. "Did Kelly call you?"

"Kelly did call me, yes," Orlovsky answered calmly.

"Because I died?" Casey looked at him questioningly, his expression almost sarcastic.

"Yes, I think that's one reason. He's worried about you."

"And my moods?"

"Yes, and the anger, Matt."

Casey just looked down at the soft restraints that lay open on the bed. "I keep trying to pull everything off in my sleep. Kelly says it's 'cause I feel trapped but I think I'm just trying to make more work for everyone." Casey tried to keep his voice light, but his expression darkened. "But I think I did something. Can't remember though..."

The Chaplain was silent as Casey remained deep in thought before he finally spoke again.

"There's just moments... moments where I'm too tired of everything. Where... where I wish I hadn't come out of that building less than who I was... where I wish they hadn't got my heart started again and that makes me feel so guilty especially when I end up loading all this crap onto Kelly... and you."

"That's normal Matt…"

"No it's not, I should have got over it by now. Something needs to change, I need to change…"

"I think you need to take a step back, just look at how..."

"How much I've been through. Everyone's telling me that!" Casey snapped. "I need to be better, need to be someone... someone..." But he couldn't finish what he wanted to say and his voice cracked and tears sprung into his eyes.

"Someone else?" the Chaplain was certain he knew just what Casey was trying to say.

"Yeah," Casey replied softly, nodding. "I just need to be better'

Casey looked away from the chaplain's kind and steady gaze. He wiped away the tears. He'd said too much and he knew it, but he just couldn't stop himself. The words had escaped his lips before he could get control of his emotions.

"Matt, look at me," Orlovsky said.  
  
Reluctantly Casey turned to him.  
  
"You've been in pain for a long time and it's worn you down, like it would anyone. You don't need to change, you don't need to be better than you are. From what I know, from what Kelly has told me, pain and mobility wise you already seem to have improved, is that true? Or have you been downplaying the pain?"

Casey shook his head. "It seems a little better, but I'm here, not at home."

"True, but you are getting up and about? And are you on more painkillers than you were before?"

"No, a lot less now."

"Well that's something, isn't it?"  
  
"Yeah, that's something."

* * *

The next morning had started well but soon spiralled downwards fast. Severide was struggling not to get annoyed and frustrated, but similar to Casey he couldn't control his emotions. He had arrived at the hospital after spending a few hours in the apartment once shift was over. Casey was sitting up in bed and one of the familiar nurses was there with him when Severide entered the hospital room.

"What are you smiling about?" Severide asked as he walked over to Casey's bedside.

Casey just looked over at the nurse as she finished cleaning and redressing his incision sites from the surgery. "Go on, it's a big achievement," she encouraged him.

"Bent my knee to almost ninety-degrees," he told Severide.

"What? Really? That's amazing, Matt," Severide beamed at him.

"Almost ninety..." Casey's voice was more subdued, as if he was disappointed with himself.

"It is fantastic Matt, truthfully. Takes some people a lot longer to get to that stage," the nurse added. "Listen, I'll be back later... see you both then." She smiled at them both and left.

"Really, well done, baby," Severide told him.

Casey couldn't help but smile about it since Severide was so pleased. "Not had my leg at that angle since I dislocated it..."

"So pleased for you Matt," Severide said. Casey hadn't been able to bend his knee much since he had damaged it over a year ago. In that time some of the nerves had repaired but the joint had never healed fully and at that time Casey had refused more surgery, the post-traumatic arthritis from his original injuries had only served to increase his pain and decrease his mobility. "Wanna go outside for some air?" Severide suggested.

Casey simply shook his head and apologised.

"It's fine." Severide sat down. "You tired? Sounds like you did a lot in your physio session?"

"Stood up and walked, bent my knee… that's about it…"

"Want to get out of that hospital gown? Shirt and boxers? I can help you change and wash if you want?" Severide grinned, feeling sure he'd say yes and it would lift his mood.

"Nah, it's fine." Casey shook his head unenthusiastically. He had just flipped like a switch once again. It was like emotional roulette. Severide didn't know what he was going to get any more and it was tiring.

"You wanted to the other day," he went on.

"No point. I'll probably just have some kind of accident, bleed all over myself, drop something again, not make it to the bathroom in time..."

Severide frowned, there had been no incidents other than one drink that had been spilt and the nosebleed a couple of days ago. "I shouldn't have just handed you the mug like that, it was my fault..."

"I shouldn't have dropped it... I'm just too…"

"You're not weak, Matt." Another thing Severide felt like he'd said to Casey for the thousandth time now, and he was getting fed up of it. 

"I am, and you knew what word I was gonna use so that only proves my point…"

"I knew what word you were gonna use 'cause you've used it too many times before."

"Kelly, I get breathless just sitting up in the bed. Please don't try to prove me otherwise."

"You're just down…"

"Down is one word for it," he grumbled.

"You've never liked being in hospital," Severide responded.

"It's not this." He shook his head. "Hospital is routine now."

"You know what it is?"

"I don't like who I am anymore. That's not quite right…"

"'Cause you didn't really like who you were before?"

"I liked what I did. It felt good."

"But you can't do that anymore and it's not…"

"Not my fault, I know." Casey was becoming a little agitated again.

"So believe it. You're allowed to feel down about it all for God's sake, Matt…" Severide's patience was wearing a little thin now. They just went over and over the same thing again and again.

"It's not that…"

"So, what then? Tell me..."

After a tense moment between them Casey replied, "I feel guilty"

"For what? Huh?"

"There are so many people far worse off than I am yet here I am complaining and moaning..."

"Ok, stop right there. Yes, there are people worse off. But Matt, look at what's happened to you just in the last twelve months alone." Severide tried to keep his own tone calmer and a bit steadier.  
  
Casey just kept on shaking his head. "Please don't try and make me feel better."

"Matt this is your head, it's playing tricks on you, it's because of your…"

"This isn't PTSD."

"It is, being here has triggered something inside your head and…"

"I've been here before…"

"Yes you have, but that doesn't mean it couldn't set you off again. Being in the ICU, the surgery, having your leg strapped up most of the time... all of it can trigger the worst of your…"

"Kelly, just stop, ok."

"I don't know how to make any of this better for you, baby. Your heart stopped as well, and I…"

"I'm sorry Kel, for everything..."

"No," Severide said, "Don't do that."

"I've hurt you. I'm still hurting you..."

Severide was silent for a few moments, thinking. "You will always make me worry, nothing can stop that. And you know what? I'm angry. So damn angry l wanna take it out on someone but the best I can do is hit a bag down at the gym. And then I think, what about you? How angry and down you must be that all this happened to you and not to me. And then I feel guilty..."

Casey shook his head. "It happened to both of us."

"When does it get better?"

"I don't know if it does," Casey responded quietly, "It's almost been three years and things… things have just got worse, haven't they? Or maybe they haven't. I don't know. I just feel stuck… because what's going to happen after all of this? It has to get better, right? Or is it already better and this is it? And if it is it then can my head just stop…"

"Stop what?" Severide said after a few seconds of waiting to see if Casey would keep going.

"I don't care that my body is broken but my head… I used to be so in control, I kept everything in check but now I just keep breaking down and hurting you. I just wanna move on and I can't." He can't move on because he still has nightmares and still experiences the exact same pain he felt when he was trapped in that concrete tomb. And he's helpless to do anything about it. He just has to live through it. Cope the best way he can.

Severide just took Casey's hand and held it for a few moments in a simple gesture of love. There was silence in the room save for the regular beeping of the monitor by the bed. He looked Casey in the eyes and smiled. Casey looked unsure, a puzzled expression on his face, not knowing what was going to happen next. He knew even Severide had a breaking point and he was scared that he had pushed him to that point now.

Casey's eyes followed Severide's as he stood up, letting go of his hand and moving the pillow it had been lying on. Then he sat down on the bed, threading his left arm carefully under Casey's neck, then lifting his own legs onto the bed and sinking down onto the mattress beside him. He could feel Casey tense at his touch so he reached his other hand up and ran his fingers through Casey's hair. Casey swallowed and closed his eyes as he relaxed into Severide's hold, murmuring softly. Casey so needed this physical contact, being deprived of everything apart from hand holding and kisses for the last couple of weeks. He needed the comfort and security of Severide's closeness and they both needed some physical intimacy right now.

"Matt, I don't know what's going to happen in the future, how things are gonna get better but they will, things were looking up a few months ago, the only thing that's changed in that time is this, and you'll be out of here so soon. We can get back to normal, you'll be working hard with rehab, I'll help you with anything you want, you'll be coming down to the dock with me as much or as little as you want, you can take on more work if you want, or not do any, there's no pressure there. We are both going to have bad days, we're both going to struggle and we're gonna fail at things, but it doesn't matter because at the end of the day we're gonna be with each other forever. And I promise we can have a family together, I know you still want that, you do, right?"

Casey shifted his head a little so he could look at Severide, and he nodded. "I do but Kelly… if it doesn't happen, then it doesn't. I just want you. You're my everything… you make me feel safe and I'm sorry I…"

"I know you are."

The next thing Casey knew he was waking up in Severide's arms and the oxygen mask was over his face. Severide was sleeping soundly, snoring gently, with what was almost a smile on his face. Casey gazed at him as he slept, feeling a rush of emotion inside him. He had really meant what he said and he knew that Severide's words had been heartfelt and true so he just let himself drift off again, happy lying by Severide's side, happier than he had been since he'd been admitted.


	46. Gizmo

Severide woke when a nurse came by to check on Casey. He was still lying on the bed with him and was certain she would tell him to get off the bed immediately and read him the riot act, but she just smiled shrewdly and silently carried out her checks.

Not long after she had gone, there was a knock on the door. Casey didn't wake or even stir so Severide spoke. "Come in."

Chaplain Orlovsky entered the room, smiling at the sight that met his eyes. "Hi Kelly," he greeted quietly. "How are you both doing?"

Severide glanced at Casey's sleeping form and then up at the Chaplain. "We'll be fine, thanks."

"Thought I'd just check on him today, see how he was doing," the Chaplain explained.

"Thank you," Severide responded, "And thanks for coming to see him yesterday." He was truly grateful to Orlovsky as it was a two hour round trip for him to get to the hospital. He knew that Casey was grateful too, even if he was struggling to show it right now.

"I wish there was more I could do Kelly but I'm not a medical man, I can deal with the spiritual matters though," the Chaplain smiled kindly.

"Me too," Severide said, "But he is gonna be all right, I know he is."

"I didn't know if there was anything we could do, I'm going to get a boot passed around for him, maybe get him something to help, or something towards a break for you guys, I don't know if there's anything he needs or wants, we could just help with medical fees?"

"Thanks," Severide spoke sincerely. "But we've got everything covered, pretty much, insurance and the CFD have been really good about it all, only have a small amount to pay."

"That's good, I'm glad he doesn't have that strain on him," he responded.

Severide looked down at Casey thoughtfully. "Something he has wanted to do since he lost his leg... he wants to be able to run. Jog at least, and he can do that with his leg but it would be way better if he had a running blade. Those aren't covered by insurance at all, and we don't even know for sure if he'll manage to run, but I think he will. He's going to be getting a new custom brace soon, prosthetist wanted to wait until after the surgery but that's going to help set him on the right path… I hope." Severide paused. "That's what I hate most about all of this, it all just seems to be guessing all the time." It annoyed both Severide and Casey how there never seemed to be definitive answer to anything and that was something they both needed.

"I'll get the boot passed around," Orlovsky nodded.

Severide smiled thinly, he wasn't sure how Casey would feel about money being raised for him again, he never liked handouts.

"Well, I better be off, want to avoid rush hour," the Chaplain said. "Call me if you need anything," he added before he left.

Severide responded in kind and looked down at Casey again as the door closed behind the Chaplain. Casey was still sleeping soundly and he smiled.

* * *

Shortly after breakfast the following day a nurse showed up in Casey's room to remove the nasal packing that had been driving him crazy for the past few days. Now he was able to get up and around with relative ease they had been able to stop the blood thinning medication as his risk of getting a blood clot was now minimal. Casey's nose had bled again when the nurse pulled out the packing and it had caused him quite a lot of discomfort but the bleeding hadn't lasted long. He washed and changed into some of his own clothes afterwards, then Severide took him down to the cafeteria in his wheelchair, happy Casey was feeling better.

"You know this thing is power assisted, right?" Casey was saying as they came out of the elevator, "I could easily push it, that's why insurance spent $6,000 on it…"

"Yeah you could, but I don't want folk thinking I'm being cruel making a sick guy push his own wheelchair, do I?" Severide grinned, chuckling. He was pleased Casey was in a good mood even though having the nasal packing removed had been more than unpleasant. He had been in a much more positive mood since their conversation yesterday and Severide hoped it would last.

"How sick do I look? Thought I just looked tired," Casey pouted, looking ahead into the cafeteria. He'd managed to shave on his own, he'd stood in front of the bathroom mirror after they'd removed the nasal packing, he could have done it sitting in the bed but it made him feel better to stand in the bathroom. But what he desperately wanted was a proper shower, something he couldn't do easily with the staples still in his leg but they'd be removed soon just like the ones by his hips had been. Things were moving forwards.

"You look like you're recovering from two major surgeries," Severide deadpanned as his eyes roamed the area for a free table.

"Thanks," he replied flatly.

"Oh, don't worry you still look hot baby." Severide grinned back to him, taking hold of the wheelchair handles and pushing Casey over to one of the small tables, before he headed over to the line to get some food for them both.

"Mmm… yummy," Casey commented when Severide arrived back to their table.

"Didn't think you'd want fries," he responded, hoping he'd been right with his decision.

"I don't want fries but this isn't exactly exciting…" he grumbled, looking down at the fruit, yoghurt and granola bar.

"Exciting," Severide grinned, "You can have exciting when you get out of here. And I don't mean just food." He winked at him.

"Oh yeah? You gonna cook for me?"

"First meal back at home, what do you want?" Severide asked after taking a bite of his burger.

Casey thought for a moment, fiddling with the bright yellow fall risk band on his wrist. "Not hospital food."

"Ah, well, that I can do," he grinned. "We can try that fake sausage mix thing again?"

"They tasted like cardboard," Casey responded.

"Yeah, it needed less time in the oven," he nodded, "'Cause you read the timings wrong."

"Yeah, yeah, blame the cripple who's on a thousand meds," Casey teased.

Severide smiled. "I'll stick to buying the stuff we can just put in the oven, probably wiser, right?" Severide told him, watching Casey start on the yoghurt. They had tried to keep his diet as clean as they possibly could after his transplant to reduce the risk of any contamination from most dairy and meat products, but now and then they relaxed the rules and had the occasional take out to alleviate Casey's boredom with his diet which he didn't always find appetising, and whenever he was sick Severide felt like it was more important just to get the nutrients and calories into him so they still kept a supply of Ensure in the apartment.

"This place is nicer than Northwestern," Casey commented, glancing around the cafeteria, light cascaded in through the large windows.

"You've only been to one of the cafeterias there, the one by the west entrance is nicer," he smiled.

He pulled a face. "Why didn't you take me to that one?"

"Hadn't found it then," Severide responded. He'd had lots of chances over the last three years to discover every corner of Casey's regular hospital. He'd found the best coffee machine, it happened to be on the maternity ward by the stairwell, and the vending machine by radiology was a good choice since it often malfunctioned and dropped out an extra snack.

"I'd say next time I'm there you can take me but hopefully it'll just be routine appointments from now on," Casey smiled optimistically.

"Got something set up with your cardiologist now?" Severide wanted to know.

"Going in for some tests once I'm discharged from here, better to have them done back at home because they know my case inside out, plus insurance won't cover that at this hospital," Casey explained. "Don't worry, I do already feel a little better, and they'd be concerned if there was something really wrong, my chest does feel… less tired."

"Ok, all good then."

"Yeah, they probably just need to either change the meds I'm on or the dosage," Casey reassured him. Severide had been there when the cardiologist revisited him so he already knew most of the details of their plans for Casey, but he'd not been privy to the conversation Casey'd had over the phone when he'd spoken to his own doctor.

"You're still getting pretty breathless though…"

"True, but I can manage it, and it'll get better."

"Very optimistic of you." Severide raised an eyebrow.

"Too optimistic maybe?" Casey grinned. "I will get better even though they can't reverse the damage..." Casey laughed at that.

"Well, you are very stubborn so I wouldn't put it past you."

Casey took a sip of his water. "Thanks for this."

Severide's eyes narrowed as he smiled. "You're a cheap date Matty," he teased, but he knew what Casey really meant.

* * *

Later that day Casey was back in his room, lying on the bed trying to read, although he was still struggling to concentrate for more than a few minutes at a time, even though it wasn't much the trip down to the cafeteria had been tiring when combined with his usual physio exercises. Severide was out of the room, as he so often was. He would talk to one of the nurses or the doctor about Casey, or would be fetching drinks and food from the cafeteria. Casey was pleased that it made Severide happy to be kept in the loop with what was going on with him, and that he was able to question every decision because Casey wasn't too sure he trusted his own judgment right now. Casey liked control but he'd learned that he would scarcely have any while he was hospitalised, so he felt safer with Severide knowing everything. Severide knew Casey as well as Casey knew himself, sometimes more so.

"Matt, you're gonna love this…" Severide had a beaming smile on his face as he reappeared in the room.

Casey peered up from his book, disgruntled at the interruption to his peace and quiet. "What am I gonna love?" he sighed.

"Well, there's a therapy dog on the ward right now... and he's amazing." Severide was still grinning, expecting Casey to be as excited as he was. "Wanna see him? Nurse says you can, if you want?"

"Therapy dog? Don't need that…" Casey muttered, shaking his head.

"Severide's face fell. "You sure you don't wanna see him? He's really great. Name's Gizmo..."

"Gizmo? As in the gremlin?"

"That's the one. He's actually still in training, he's a baby."

Casey shrugged. "All right, if it'll help him to train, I guess." His voice showed his lack of enthusiasm which Severide hadn't expected.

Severide went to the door and opened it, ushering the handler and dog in. They took the young trainee dog over to Casey's bedside, his tail was wagging furiously. Once he reached Casey his excitable behaviour calmed and he rested his head on the blanket next to him, his eyes focused solely on Casey's face, tail still wagging. Severide knelt down and petted the young dog, scratching his ears and stroking his back but Gizmo was concentrating completely on Casey.

After a few moment Severide stood back as the handler chatted to Casey and lifted Gizmo onto the bed where he immediately snuggled right in next to him, his head laying across Casey's stomach. Severide and the handler stood back and watched as Casey's face broke into a smile and he started to pet the dog, talking to him in a low voice.

All too soon it was time for young Gizmo to leave and his handler had to move him from Casey's side as he clearly wanted to stay where he was. Severide thanked the handler and went back over to Casey who was sitting deep in thought, his face pensive. He smiled and focused on Severide. "The cats are gonna feel betrayed, you're gonna have to change before you go home to them," he laughed.

* * *

After a grand total of twenty long days in the hospital Casey was discharged. A lot would be coming his way over the coming few weeks. First and foremost, he would have his appointment with the cardiologist for further tests to see what needed to be done. He would also have to start physio with Ty again, Casey was pleased he would be doing his rehab with a familiar face. He hadn't seen Ty in a fair while but considered him a friend after everything he had done to help both physically and emotionally. Casey wouldn't be able to fully weight bear on his left leg for some time whilst the allograft healed but he knew how important the physio was for a successful outcome to all the surgery to replace his hip joints and reconstruct his left leg. Casey would have to continue to wear the leg brace for most of the day to help keep it immobile while he wasn't exercising his knee. But they hoped it wouldn't be too long until it was no longer needed. Casey also had an appointment to see his prosthetist to check his socket and see if any adjustments needed to be made that could help him with his recovery now he was so reliant on his right leg. And he and Ty would be working closely together like they had in the past, working their damnedest to ensure the best outcome for Casey that they could.

Severide drove Casey straight home from the hospital, he'd taken the day off work. Casey had fallen into a light sleep during the journey back and Severide couldn't stop himself from constantly glancing over at him, smiling with happiness now that he had his boy back and was taking him home. He had stocked up on groceries and food for the freezer and had given the apartment a thorough clean, since he had just been using it as a dumping ground where he'd been crashing between hospital visits.

He woke Casey gently after he had pulled into their apartment building parking lot, stroking a hand along his arm. "We're back, baby. We're home."

Casey's eyes fluttered open and he looked around tiredly, yawning. "Finally…"

"Been a long few weeks."

They made their way up to the apartment, Casey in his wheelchair, Severide carrying his crutches and a bag containing medication and some clothes. He left the rest of Casey's stuff in the car so he could go down and collect it once he'd got Casey settled.

"Couch or bed?" Severide asked as he shoved the door closed behind them and Casey wheeled himself across into the lounge area. The cats had sauntered over to him, brushing past his chair then disappearing into the bedroom.

"I should say couch but I kinda wanna sleep, so bed? Will you stay with me?"

"I'm not going anywhere," Severide answered as he dumped the bag and leant Casey's crutches against a chair.

Casey was soon sitting up in bed wearing just his boxers. Severide had helped him to get his clothes off and to remove his prosthetic, not because Casey wasn't capable of doing it himself but because Severide wanted to do it, he enjoyed doing it. And now his hands were delicately massaging away the aching and muscle tension in Casey's residual limb. It was sore and tender at the moment with all the extra weight bearing he was having to do on the right side because of the surgery.

Severide looked at him and smiled, wiping away the access lotion on his own arms. "Feeling all right? Comfy?"

Casey nodded in response.

"So how long 'til you're back in action?" Severide asked, grinning mischievously.

"Couple of weeks but the doctor said you have to take easy with me, but don't worry I'm not that fragile," he smiled back.

"I dunno, I don't want to break any of your expensive hardware…"

Casey laughed. "You're not that rough. If you break it I'll be impressed, my hips are stronger than… than this bed and we've not broken that yet…"

"No, but it does squeak a lot… Right, I'll change the dressings…"

"What? No, you don't need to and they only did it this morning," Casey began to protest, not wanting to cause Severide any more trouble than need be.

"Let me have this, Matt," Severide spoke.

Casey glanced down at his left leg, then nodded. "Sure." He watched in silence as Severide moved around to the other side of the bed and sat himself down in a comfortable position so he could lift Casey's left leg to unfasten the brace. The dressing was peeled off and Casey swallowed as the long wound was revealed.

"It still looks really good," Severide smiled at him. Although bruised and still swollen the skin had knitted together nicely and there was no sign of infection. "Be as good as new when the staples are out at the end of the week."

"Yeah…"

"Are you upset that they had to use staples?"

"No," he shook his head, "What's one more ugly scar gonna do…"

"I love your scars."

"Good, to me they're just a horrible reminder but whatever… they don't really matter, especially if they don't matter to you," Casey was accepting, resigned even, of all the vicious scars that had accumulated on his body now. No point worrying. Nothing he could do about them.

"How are you doing for pain?"

Casey just nodded.

"You're in pain or you're doing all right?"

"Both," he answered.

Severide knew that was a good thing for Casey. The pain levels were starting to go down and he was tolerating it better. He just continued cleaning Casey's leg and putting on fresh dressings, then he refastened the brace firmly over his leg. He smiled, pleased with his work. "All sorted. Right, do you need anything? Another drink? Heat pad?" he asked as he pulled up the bed cover and fluffed it up around Casey.

"Nope," Casey shook his head, grabbing Severide's arm, "You're my giant heat pad…"

Severide grinned and shifted himself down so he was lying next to Casey, pulling him over as far as he could so Casey could rest his head against Severide's side. Casey could still only lie on his back so that would have to do.

"Mind if I sleep?"

"Doesn't look like you're trying very hard to stay awake," Severide smiled. the more Casey could sleep peacefully and without pain, the faster his body would heal. He stroked Casey's arm softly, listening to the rhythm of his soft breathing.

"Couldn't stay awake if I wanted to," he murmured sleepily, the change in his breaths told Severide when he was finally asleep

Once he was sure Casey was fast asleep Severide slipped out of bed to set up the oxygen, placing the mask over Casey's face, then watching him until the point where he felt that staring at a fully grown sleeping man was borderline creepy, despite that being what he had done most of the time during all of Casey's hospital stays. Pumpkin had curled herself up beside Casey's head, her tail lying by his ear. He smiled softly, eyes full of love, happy that Casey was home at last. He picked up his phone from the nightstand and clicked two or three photos of the sleeping pair from different angles. More shots for his growing collection. The he left the room, closing the bedroom door.

* * *

Casey had been home for a few days, he was still recovering, still exhausted, but he was much happier mentally now. He was using his chair a lot more than before but mainly for convenience. He'd made dinner for Severide for the three nights he'd been home, they'd been appreciated although Severide was still insistent that he had said he'd cook for him and that Casey didn't need to make so much effort. But Casey dismissed him, he wanted to do as much as he could for Severide, he had a lot to make up for.

"You sure you're gonna be all right today?" Severide asked, leaning down and kissing Casey softly after clearing away their breakfast.

"I'll be fine, had a great start to the day with your homemade pancakes," he smiled up at him.

"You'll…"

"I will call if I need anything," Casey told him.

"All right, well, be… good…"

Casey chuckled. "Be good?"

He shrugged. "Just… be in one piece when I get back."

"Can't make any promises," Casey grinned. "Got my physio session back with Ty, after my cardio workup…"

"It'll be fine," he reassured Casey, he knew he'd been worried about today although he'd not said anything on the matter.

"The tests or physio?" Casey held back a sigh.

"Both. And I mean it, call me, or if I don't pick up then call Boden, all right?"

"Kel… you're gonna be late. I love you, be safe."

"Yeah, you too."

* * *

At the end of his physiotherapy session Casey sat down heavily on the bench at the edge of the room.

"You in a rush to get off?" Ty asked, sitting down next to him.

"Not really," he responded, wiping a small towel over his face and neck. Today had been hard work physically and mentally.

"It's really great to see you doing so well," Ty told him.

"Really?"

"You don't think you are?"

"No… I just… I don't know… things weren't so good in the hospital and… well, that was really hard work, feel like I need to sleep for a week now."

"Well, despite everything you're looking really good, so much better… you don't believe me?" he asked at the look on Casey's face.

"No, I didn't expect it," he shook his head.

"You really do look so much healthier," Ty spoke honestly.

Casey grinned. "Even with a broken heart."

"You've managed all right today," he responded encouragingly.

"Yeah," he nodded, "But we've not really done anything strenuous, have we?"

"No but once you're fitter it'll be easier," Ty said.

"Yeah, tell my heart that," he responded.

"When do you hear back from the cardiologist?"

"Few days," he answered, "So it can't be that bad, can it? I'm still getting arrhythmias but they don't last very long so that's good, right?"

"I'm no doctor but you should be pleased with today." Ty smiled.

"I am, and thank you, it's been great to see you again."

"I'll see you next time, give my best to Kelly."


	47. Progress

One month had flown by since Casey had returned home after his surgeries. He was using his wheelchair much more than he would have liked at this point, even though his mobility had improved and his pain levels had decreased as a result of the hip replacements and lower leg reconstruction. He was still tiring easily although things were steadily improving now his cardiologist had changed the dosage of his ACE inhibiters and beta-blockers, but with that came his decreased appetite. Although he was holding his weight well and gaining muscle back with all the physiotherapy he was managing to do. Casey still had off days but he was trying so hard to keep on top of everything. Severide was proud of him even though he worried that Casey was pushing himself way too hard. He guessed that Ty would keep him in check on that one, so he kept quiet and was just silently happy that Casey was doing so well and that his moods seemed far better.

"Ready to go?" Casey asked as he left the bedroom on his crutches. His leg was still in a brace but he was weight baring now and it was no longer immobilising his leg. It wouldn't be long before he got his custom ExoSym brace, despite the cost the insurance company had agreed to finance the brace so Casey was looking forward to it since it would help with both his pain and mobility. His pain levels were much better it hadn't gone away entirely and they never thought it would, that would have just been wishful thinking, but everyone concerned with Casey's care was striving to make his pain as bearable as possible for him.

"Man… you're excited. It's only bowling," Severide grinned.

"Oh c'mon, when was the last time I did anything as adventurous as bowling?" Casey threw back at him.

Severide just laughed. "We need to get out more."

"Yes, yes we really do. And maybe we can now."

Severide quickly checked himself in the mirror by the entrance door, styling his hair a little as Casey just watched him quietly. "Question for you," Severide began thoughtfully. He grabbed his jacket off the rack and holding it under his arm. It was early in the evening and now fall had come he may need it later.

"What's up?" Casey asked, pulling his own jacket on. He passed his crutches to Severide and sat down in his wheelchair, waiting for Severide to continue on.

"Do you think I should dye my hair?" he asked, his manner both hesitant and serious at the same time, feeling worried that Casey would laugh and think it a huge joke.

But Casey made no reaction straight away, he just considered the question for a few moments. "You don't need to dye it for me but if you want to do it, then sure."

"I don't know if I want to," Severide replied.

"Well, what made you think about it? Doesn't need to be permanent if you do wanna give it ago though, I guess."

"I'm only eighteen months older than you and…"

"Listen," Casey interrupted, knowing what Severide was getting at. "I love your hair, I love you, you're the most handsome guy I know," Casey smiled up at him. "What's happened? Do your rescuee's no longer fall head over heels for you?"

"Ah, there's the teasing I expected," he laughed. "Come on, let's get going, don't wanna miss the start of our time slot."

"We have a whole hour," Casey responded.

"Yes, and we both know how long it can take for you to get in and out of the car." Severide chuckled, repaying Casey's victim jibe.

Casey shook his head, grinning. "You know that's probably emotional abuse or something…"

"Nah, it's true so it can't be."

"Yeah, well, this cripple is gonna beat your ass bowling tonight."

They both dissolved into laughter and readied themselves to leave.  
  


* * *

 

When they returned home from the bowling alley Casey struggled to remain awake as they sat on the couch together. He hadn't thought that it would be so physically exhausting, but it had proved to be much more fun than he'd expected. Severide had insisted he was the expert, ones of the many excuses he used to get up close and personal. Holding and supporting Casey each time it was his turn to bowl. Making sure he didn't strain or injure himself in any way.

"Maybe you should go to bed before I have to carry you," Severide murmured softly, his lips almost touching Casey's ear, making him open his eyes.

"Isn't that what you do for a living?" Casey smiled back at him wearily, "You carry people out of burning buildings, can't you carry me a few feet?"

He grinned. "You want a fireman's lift?"

"I want a fireman's cock…"

"You get horny when you're tired…"

"Uh huh…" Casey nodded slowly, "So do I get my wish?" He grinned naughtily at Severide, the tip of his tongue moistening his lips.

"Maybe tomorrow."

Casey pulled a disgruntled face. Severide couldn't help but smile at his pouting face and narrowed eyes. "What? Only maybe? No… you realize it's been… more than the few weeks the doc suggested, and he was like a medical professional so… you know… I'm all ready for you…"

"You'll fall asleep on me," Severide answered.

He grinned, "More like under you…"

"Come on, it's bedtime for you."

"No fair…" Casey protested, pretending to sulk.

"Arms up, I'll carry you," Severide offered.

Casey shook his head. "Doesn't count if you don't get it on afterwards."

"Get it on, huh?" he laughed, "Is that what the kids are calling it?"

"Get it on nice and dirty and… woah…" Casey shook his head, screwing his eyes shut, letting his head roll back against the couch. His medication was making him feel a little lightheaded but pleasantly relaxed now, adding to his exhaustion. "I'm so tired…"

"See? Isn't this better?" Severide said once Casey was lying in bed.

"Disappointed in you…"

"You're not gonna bribe me into having sex with you," Severide joked.

Casey's expression changed and became serious, his eyes questioning. "Don't you want me?"

"What? No, Matt, no, I just…"

Then Casey couldn't hold the seriousness any longer and he had to laugh.

"You bastard, you can't play that card on me," Severide mock hit him in his shoulder.

Casey's laughter had subsided and he was now subdued.

"Matt, I love you but I don't want to hurt you."

"I know."

"Ok, good." Severide leant down and drew his lips close to Casey, until they were just touching, sending a ripple of excitement through them both. He pressed harder as Casey responded, deepening the kiss, feeling Casey tremble.

Severide snaked a hand under the bed covers and gently stroked the flesh just below Casey's belly button, drawing an instant reaction and he could feel him hardening as he moved his hand further down, stroking his cock very softly. A soft moan came from Casey's throat as Severide kept up the kiss.

Casey fell asleep in Severide's arms, sated with hormones and endorphins, as nature intended, and a few minutes later, Severide drifted off, happy that they had both orgasmed without having penetrative sex, he never wanted to hurt Casey.

Severide swore when he was abruptly woken by an elbow thumping into his chest, catching him off guard. "Oh fuck… Matt?" It took him a moment to recover and for his brain to figure out what was happening. There was no need for him to turn on the light since Casey could still not sleep without it.

Casey had shoved the bed covers off himself and scrambled away from him, lying in a half-asleep state, not sure what was going on.

"Matty, you're all right, baby, open your eyes…"

"Kel…" Casey managed to croak out, disorientated and not yet fully aware.

"Can I hold you?" Severide ventured gingerly, unsure of quite what Casey's state was yet, and knowing that sometimes it was best not to touch him after a nightmare.

Casey responded silently, simply lying back into Severide's side, mumbling an apology. Severide chose to ignore it, since he felt it was just an instinctive reaction on Casey's part, one that had been drilled into him in childhood.

"What happened?" Severide spoke softly, "Might help if you talk…" He could feel Casey's shaky breaths against his body, sense his pounding heartbeat.

"Don't know…"

Severide frowned at that. "Well, you're all right now, you're in bed, not trapped, your warm and safe…"

"I wasn't there…"

"Where were you?"

"Hospital… ambo… don't know…"

Severide was silent, not saying a word. Just holding onto Casey whilst his thoughts raged through his head. A nightmare about being in the ambulance, or in the hospital, was a new one, but not unexpected. He just hoped Casey wouldn't suffer too often with them. He was happy that this time Casey had taken comfort in his arms, from his touch and soft words of reassurance. There had been times in the past where Casey would have been mortified by his actions and reactions, ashamed of them. But he trusted Severide completely now. And he loved him completely and unconditionally.  
  


* * *

 

Casey had already got up and dressed when Severide woke a little later in the morning. He pulled on his own clothes and went to find Casey sitting on the couch, pad of paper in front of him, pen in hand. He was chewing the end of the pen distractedly and barely noticed as Severide walked quietly into the room.

"You all right?" he asked Casey.

Casey nodded and changed the topic. "Is there anything you want from the store?"

"I dunno, guess I'll see when we get there," Severide grinned. He knew Casey's love of lists and being organised, whereas he was happy to just go with the flow of things. "Sorted?" he indicated to the pad of paper where Casey had written some items down.

"Do you think we need some washing powder?"

"Nah, we should be able to go another week with what we've got," Severide replied.

"Sorted then."

"You had breakfast?"

Casey shook his head.

Severide just smiled at him. "Maybe we'll eat out?"

"Yeah, maybe."

"Hey, if you don't wanna go to…"

"I want to… unless I'm just gonna be in your way?" Casey responded. For a long time now, Casey had left most of the grocery shopping to Severide, or they had ordered online for home delivery.

Severide shot him a look. "Let's just get going then, yeah?" he smiled.

The arrived in the Whole Foods parking lot thirty minutes later. Casey transferred himself from the car into his wheelchair with practiced ease now. He pushed himself across the parking zone as Severide grabbed a cart from one of the storage zones and followed him inside. They moved along the aisles, picking up the various items they needed and slinging them into the shopping cart.

"Catch…" Severide said loudly, turning and throwing something at Casey.

Suddenly a packet of chips hit him right in the face and fell down onto this lap. "What the hell?" he laughed.

"You need to work on your reflexes…"

"Hello?" Casey retorted, indicating the chair with his hands, "Cripple!"

They both laughed loudly, suddenly lowering their volume as some passers-by gave them a glare.

"You're gonna get us kicked out. Bet that's not happened before."

Severide just grinned at him and grabbed the bag of chips from Casey's lap. "Havin' fun though, aren't you?"

"Yes."

A while later they were in line at one of the checkouts. Casey had become quiet, he had a headache and was tired after his nightmare the previous night. Severide was standing right behind him and could see how he was feeling, so he placed a hand on the back of Casey's neck. Casey leaned into the touch.

"Jesus… a queer… and a gimp to boot." Both of them heard the muttered comment from behind them in the line, and Severide felt Casey tense up. "Shouldn't be out in public, needs to be kept inside."

The remark incensed Severide and he saw red. He turned on his heel and in one swift move he downed the guy with one swift punch.

For one small moment there was silence, then rather than the shocked looks and scuffle Severide had expected, up went a small cheer from the other people who were standing around them, followed by a small round of applause. They checked out their supplies and left. Leaving the guy sitting on the floor holding his bloody nose.

"You're lucky no one called the cops," Casey spoke as they finished loading the last of their shopping into the trunk of Severide's car.

"What did you want me to do? Let the guy the get with it? No damn way, baby."

"It was a little extreme…"

"Yeah, well, maybe he'll think twice before he says something to someone next time."

Casey sighed, looking into the trunk, now full with all their supplies.

"What's wrong?" Severide asked at the look on his face.

"Talking about not thinking things through… where's the chair gonna go?"

"Oh, erm… we can just fold it smaller than we usual do, put it behind the seats."

"Yeah, shouldn't have brought it…"

"Hey," Severide started, "It's all right that you're still using it, it's good, you can't push yourself too much, you know that."

"Yeah." Casey just needed a reminder every so often. He was using the wheelchair more at the moment, but if that was what he needed to do to get through the day and do everything he needed and wanted then he really did accept that. It was fine, it really didn't distress him like it used to because he'd learnt that it wasn't a sign of weakness.  
  


* * *

 

Back at home after the shopping trip, Severide was sitting on the couch catching up with the latest Blackhawks game when Casey came over towards him. Severide just stared at him, hands gripping the walker. "You should put your prosthetic on."

"It's fine, leg feels good."

"Uh huh, well just don't hobble around on it all day," Severide warned him.

"Yes sir," he grinned. "Here, ice pack for my knight in shining armor," he smiled, pulling it out of his hoody pocket.

"You'll need some for you leg soon if you keep hopping on it."

"Fine, I'll go put it on, if you join me on my walk later."

"I always join you."

"I know, you just seem…"

"Shouldn't have done what I did earlier but I… I hate it, Matt, and he called you a… I'm the only one who can call you a cripple, and it's just, it's not right that he felt like he could just…" Severide's voice betrayed his anger at what had happened at the Whole Food store earlier.

"Kel, the word is full of idiots, why some people have to give a damn about something that doesn't affect them or anyone else, I don't know, but it happens and you know that."

"I don't want you to ever think that you're less than perfect, I still hate that you grew up thinking…"

"It's ok, I'm fine."

"Yeah because it's happened to you more than it has to me, and you shouldn't have had to get used to it…"

"I think you're blowing it out of proportion, does it really bother you that much? Is there something else going on?"

"No, I just let it get to me."

"Ok, all right then." He picked up Severide's bruised hand and kissed it softly before replacing the ice pack. "Thank you."  
  


* * *

A couple more weeks passed by. Casey was still trying just as hard with his physiotherapy, Severide was even more proud of him he'd been worried that when the improvements seemed to slow that Casey's enthusiasm would waver but it never did. That's not to say he had no bad days. He still had plenty but he seemed to gather himself up and recover quicker than before. Severide wasn't quite sure where all the positivity had come from. He hadn't seen the psychiatrist for some time now, but Severide didn't question it. He was happy to see the change in Casey. They were happy together. Casey had been ecstatic when he got his new custom brace and that only made Severide happier. He wasn't using it all the time, and even after he had or if he'd been more active than normal, he would still need to strap some ice packs onto his leg and elevate the limb to relieve pain and swelling. It was no hassle to Casey though. He accepted it all in his stride and it just became his norm. It was what it was.

It was a fresh and bright day when Casey was leaning against his truck at the boatyard, his crutches by his side. Severide was working and Casey was waiting for the help he had arranged to arrive. He'd been planning this for a couple of weeks and was happy that the day had finally arrived. Casey turned as a car pulled in and parked up, waving as the driver got out.

"Hey Matt!" Chaplain Orlovsky called, walking quickly over. The two men shook hands, a warm handshake between friends. "So, you ready for this then?"

Casey nodded. "Yeah, we have a lot to do though. I've made a start, taken some photos so we can replace everything as it was, and I've moved most the stuff out of the way and got it all covered. Don't want to re-organise the place no matter how unorganised it looks to me," he chuckled.

"Right, well let's get going then," the Chaplain responded. "I brought snacks and drinks."

"Thanks, think we're gonna need 'em." Casey turned to start lifting the paint tins from the back of the truck.

"Here, let me get those," Orlovsky told him, picking them up. "If we don't get it all done today, don't worry about it. I'm sure you can come up with an excuse to keep Kelly away for another couple of days or so."

"Oh, you don't think you can keep up with me?" Casey teased. "Well... whatever happens I cannot get paint on any of my hardware," he laughed.

"How are you getting on with the new brace? Is it helping you?" the Chaplain wanted to know.

"Yeah, fantastic. It's really helped. Started walking a little with no help, but… well, I'm just not very confident without the crutches, if I'm honest… but I'll get there again and my knee feels great, maybe I will get to run in the future."

Orlovsky was happy to hear Casey's enthusiasm, he smiled quietly to himself as they went inside the shed, thinking about the amount they had already managed to raise towards Casey's running blade.

Severide didn't see the results of all their hard work until mid-afternoon the following day. He had suspected Casey had been up to something but he had no idea what, not until they arrived at the boatyard together in Casey's truck.

"What?" he gazed up at the handmade wooden sign above the work shed door. "Who did this?" He knew Casey couldn't have because he couldn't climb a ladder.

Casey grinned. "Well I made it. Put it up yesterday..."

"Ah… so that's what you've been hiding lately, huh? It's great, but how…"

"Open the doors," Casey told him.

"What else have you done?" Severide asked, grinning back.

"Open the doors and you'll see..."

Severide unlocked the doors and pulled them open.

A look of happy amazement crossed Severide's face as he stared around the shed's interior. "How? Matt, it looks great, really great! But..."

"Had help," Casey said, knowing what Severide was leading up to. "Asked the Chaplain."

"So you didn't do all this alone then?"

"No... with a lot of help actually."

That made Severide smile, that Casey had asked and been given help. He was proud of him.

"You like it then?" Casey asked.

"Like it? I love it! It's… it looks bigger."

"Yeah, white does that," Casey responded. "Know you've been talking about sorting it for ages so…"

"So you went ahead and surprised me."

"Surprised?"

"A little, I did know you were up to something though."

"Oh yeah? Detective Severide..." he grinned.

"Well, you kept asking how much work I had on here," Severide laughed.

Casey shrugged. "Honestly trying to get it done in secret was gonna be the hardest part, especially when I figured it would all have to be done in one day..."

"Hey, you didn't get any paint on your brace did you?"

"No," Casey chuckled, as they stood outside the shed, looking at Casey and the Chaplain's handiwork.

Severide threaded an arm around Casey's waist and pulled him close. "Thanks baby."  
  


* * *

 

It was getting towards the end of October and although leaves had changed to fall colours and the weather had cooled from its summer heat, it was still warm enough to laze around in the park during the afternoon. Casey had been working like crazy in his physiotherapy session that morning with Ty, and Severide had been out for a run to blow of some steam after a tough shift. They were lying on the grass by each other, their bare arms just touching, as they stared into the huge expanse of bright blue sky. School had finished up for the day and kids were playing on the swings, screaming excitedly. Dogs ran around, barking and chasing each other.

The sun was warm and even Casey wore a plain white t shirt, his head resting on his folded-up hoody. The fingers of his right hand were entwined in Severide's until he felt him pull away. He turned his head. Severide had sat up and was rummaging for a bottle of water from the cool bag, taking a mouthful before offering it to Casey.

"Hey, you wanna go in the batting cage?" Severide suggested eagerly, looking back over to the edge of the park, then back down at Casey.

"Not really feeling it," he replied, "To be honest, think I'm gonna struggle getting up… but you go for it if you want to do it."

"Nah, we do things together."

"You're gonna end up doing very little!" he laughed.

"We've got Evan's Halloween party in a few days," Severide told him. "And speaking of that, we really need to sort some costumes out."

"Didn't know we were going?"

"Well, I thought we could, I'm not working the next day, and it should be a good laugh. So, costumes?"

"I suppose I should be a pirate…" Casey grinned up at Severide, amused at that idea.

"Yeah?"

"May as well take advantage of my stump…"

"Oh, don't," Severide laughed, "You know I don't like that word."

Casey laughed at him. "Residual limb takes so much longer to say," he grinned.

"Just leg, leg will do just fine."

"It's not a leg though," Casey smiled.

"It is to me… and before you even think it; no, it's not ugly. It's just an ugly word for something I love as much as the rest of you."

"Well saved, Kelly Severide, well saved," he teased.  
  


* * *

In the end, Casey did dress as a pirate for Evan's Halloween party, and Severide was kitted out as a vampire, complete with make-up, wig and teeth. Their main reason for going was the social aspect rather than the dressing up, but Severide did admit that Casey made a particularly sexy pirate, even complete with fake beard and eye patch.

Severide had been standing and chatting to a few of the other guests at the party, a group consisting of some female vampires, a devil in red, witches and wizards and various other guises. He noticed that Casey was now sitting on the couch alone as the guy from the basketball team he'd been talking to had disappeared somewhere. Severide politely excused himself from the group, watched by the admiring eyes of the females. Their admiration didn't go unnoticed as Severide sat down next to Casey.

"You should wear that wig all the time," Casey teased, leaning over and playing with some strands of the black haired wig that Severide wore. He'd had about the maximum amount of alcohol that Severide figured he should, and they were only a couple of hours into the night.

"Oh yeah? I thought you loved my head the way it was?" Severide guffawed as Casey sprawled himself over his lap. He had lost his inhibitions now and wanted to send a clear message to those admiring eyes. This vampire was taken.

Casey reached over him to the table by the couch, aiming to pick up his beer glass which was still three quarters full, but Severide grabbed his red coated arm.

"Woah… baby, think you've had enough for now," he grinned, "A little goes a long way, remember?" Severide briefly asked himself why Casey wanted to get drunk anyway. Maybe he was feeling self-conscious and wanted to loosen up. Well, he was certainly achieving that one. "You all right?" Severide asked seriously, still hanging onto Casey's arm.

Casey nodded.

"You sure? We can go if you want?"

"No, this is supposed to be fun."

"But you're not having fun?"

"I am."

"Matty…" Severide's eyes searched Casey's, wanting the truth.

"I just wanna not care."

"Ok, well, you can do that without drinking at a party," Severide pointed out. "You're uncomfortable?"

"I look awful…"

"Matt, baby, we all look awful. I mean, just look at my costume, I'm surprised the thread isn't about to fall apart," he laughed, but really he knew what Casey had meant.

"I used to be able to talk about work, now I just…"

"You do loads! See, this is something alcohol does to you," he shook his head, "Might loosen you up but once you've been a fun drunk you turn into a sad drunk."

"I'm not a sad drunk," Casey smiled slightly, protesting a little.

"Hmm… you can be," he teased.

"Well, maybe we should get out of here, maybe just the two of us should have some fun." A tiny sly glint sparkled in Casey's eyes, making Severide grin, but he played along.

"And just what sort of fun are you talking about?"

"Think you know exactly what I'm suggesting," he smiled. **  
**


	48. Break-in

Casey was sitting in the lounge reading a newspaper when Severide finally got home from his shift. He found breakfast laid out for him on the table and some fresh coffee was brewing. Casey was still desperately trying to make up for everything he had put Severide through since he had first been injured. Severide had tried to stop insisting there was no need, just like he stopped telling Casey not to apologise for anything. He decided his best course of action was to just to try and let Casey get on with it. If that's what he needed to do to feel better, then Severide didn't mind, and besides Casey had always been great at cooking and this morning was no different.

Severide plonked his bag and jacket down and helped himself from the range of breakfast food on the table, pouring himself a mug of coffee.

"Thanks for the pancakes," he said as he pushed the two small cats out of the way and sat next to Casey on the couch.

Casey put down his newspaper, grinning. "I got you something too," he said, passing Severide an envelope that had arrived in the mail the previous day.

Severide took it from him. "What's this?"

Casey just smiled. "Open it and you'll find out."

He smiled back at him then put down his plate of pancakes before tearing open the envelope. A bigger smile tugged at his mouth. "Blackhawks tickets?"

Casey nodded. "For tomorrow night."

"You're up for it?"

Casey laughed. "Why? You got someone else to take? Of course I'm up for it, I'm for anything with you… what?"

"Matt… you know, you've got nothing to make up for," he said, he couldn't help himself, sometimes it was a bit too much.

"What do you mean?"

"All the gifts, all the meals, these…"

"I've treated you like crap and you're still here," Casey told him.

"You never did it on purpose."

"But I did treat you like crap so let me shower you in gifts and affection and every…"

"Affection, hey?" A mischievous grin came to Severide's face and he raised his eyebrows at Casey, nodding. "Think we have a little time before you have to go to physio… how about a little extra warm up?" Severide leaned over and planted a kiss on Casey's cheek.

"Have a check-up first," Casey told him, smiling ruefully, "Sorry…"

"Oh, must have forgotten all about it… it's not on the board, just a check-up, right?"

"Yeah, just standard stuff," he nodded.

"I'll come with you, give you a ride."

"It's all right, I can drive."

"You don't want me to come?" Severide laughed at Casey's protests.

"Oh, no, you can come, but I'm driving." He smiled, placing a hand on Severide's knee.

* * *

Going to the Blackhawks game seemed like the most fun they'd had since their vacation in Oahu. It just felt so incredibly normal. Casey didn't feel sick or even feel disabled. If it weren't for the crutches no one would have known. Casey wore the Blackhawks shirt that Severide had bought for him a few years ago over his hoody to keep him warm, the arena was naturally very cold. Severide fetched them hot food and drinks, a veggie dog for Casey, and some nachos and a hotdog for himself, along with some pop for both of them. After the game had ended, a victory for the Blackhawks, they even went to a nearby bar before heading home, tired but happy.

Severide rolled over in bed as he woke up the next morning, peering over at Casey and smiling at him. He was still fast asleep on his back, oxygen mask still in place so Severide sat up a little, pulling the mask to one side, placing a gentle kiss on his lips.

Casey's eyes flickered open and he grinned sleepily up at Severide's face. "Your breath smells like beer and hot dogs," he chuckled.

"Complaining about my kissing now?"

"Just the taste…" Casey teased. He propped himself up on his elbows and returned the kiss, dropping back into the comfort of the bed. "Feel like I've been hit by a truck…" he let out a long breath.

"You had a full evening, in fact you've had a few full-on days this week," Severide nodded, stroking his fingers over Casey's chest affectionately.

"Yeah… it's exhausted me," Casey admitted, a sad expression crossed his face.

"Well, I think today is just for breathing then, ok?" he told Casey. It was something he said quite a lot because he could tell it was all Casey could do. Some days it took all the effort in the world just to get through the day, just to breathe, and that was all right. If all Casey did was get to the next day that was good enough. "Suppose I'd better get up and get on,' Severide mused almost to himself. Giving Casey another kiss.

"Stay in here a little longer with me?" Casey asked softly.

"I'll stay here with you all day if it's what you want, but we do need to eat and sort the cats out."

And with perfect timing the two felines ambled in through the open bedroom door and jumped up onto the bed.

* * *

Casey'd had a difficult week since they had seen the Blackhawks game, so much so that he had taken a step back with his exercise and hardly left the apartment. He felt guilty about his inactivity but Severide was a constant source of optimism, prodding and cajoling, and encouragement, enabling Casey to pick up his energy again a little, but it was quickly being drained, making them wonder if he was falling ill in some way, forcing them to keep a close eye on his body temperature and painkiller intake once more. In fact, he'd been keeping an eye on his painkiller usage since he'd come home from the hospital, he didn't want to spiral downwards with them again.

He was dozing on the couch with an open book on his lap, drowsy from some of his medications and because last night he'd been disturbed by another nightmare, unable to get any more sleep, even in the comfort and safety of Severide's arms. Midnight was curled up in a spot of warm sunshine at the end of the couch, and Pumpkin was lying stretched over Casey's left foot. Casey hadn't registered the front door opening but he awoke with a jolt when it slammed shut. For a tiny happy moment he thought Severide had arrived home from his shift, then he came to his senses and realised it was still only mid-afternoon and Severide wouldn't be back until the next morning.

It wasn't Severide. The two cats scattered, hissing and spitting, sensing someone strange was there. Someone who had broken into the apartment. For a brief moment, Casey and the stranger stared at each other in stark shock.

Casey yelled, "Hey! Who the hell are you and what are you…"

He never got to finish his sentence as the man pulled a gun and aimed it straight at Casey's head. The man opened the sports bag he held, staring around the room.

"There's nothing valuable here," Casey told him, eyes focused on the weapon. "How the hell did you get up here?"

"What are you to Lieutenant Severide?" the man said flatly.

Casey played dumb, swallowing, but his heart was thumping inside his chest now. "Who?"

It didn't matter. The man had looked over to one of the shelving units, gazing at the shelf where Severide had displayed photos of the two of them.

"You're valuable to him," the man sneered, guessing correctly. He was arrogant enough to assume Casey would be unable to fight back, relaxing his stance with the weapon.

"What the hell do you want? Get out of here or…"

"Or what?" the man looked down at the empty space where Casey's leg should have been. "What are you going to do cripple?"

But he hadn't reckoned with Casey's new found fitness. Adrenaline surged through him and he was able to get up onto his left leg so quickly that he took the guy by surprise, the gun flew out of both their reaches as they fell to the floor. The man tried to scramble for the gun but a powerful punch to the jaw from Casey caught him off guard, and he was only able to return a couple of hits back before Casey had rendered him unconscious with well-aimed fists. He was unconscious long before Casey finally realised what he was doing and he stopped himself beating the guy to death.

"Oh crap…" Casey muttered. He checked the man's pulse before pushing himself back to the couch where his cell phone was lying. He dialled 911.

Casey was still sitting on the floor, propped up by the couch, when Shay and Rafferty banged on the door. He wished it had been another pair of paramedics, he didn't want anyone to make a big deal about what had happened.

"It's open!" he yelled, seeing the two of them rush in, eyes wide at the scene in front of them. Casey's hands were shaking as he kept the gun firmly trained on the semi-conscious man lying on the floor.

"Matt!" Shay exclaimed, racing over to him, as Rafferty attended to the bloody stranger. "Are you ok?" she asked worriedly, seeing all the blood on his hands, face and front.

"I'm fine."

"We called Kelly when dispatch gave us this address..."

Casey just nodded, breathing heavily. He sat back again as the two paramedics got to work and prepped the man for transport. The police showed up as they loaded the man onto a gurney, followed immediately by Severide rushing into the apartment and going straight to Casey.

"Matt… I thought you'd…" he puffed out, never finishing because Casey stopped him.

"I'm all right," Casey told him calmly.

Severide gently took the gun from Casey's hands, still clamped round the handle. He stood up from Casey and passed the gun to one of the police officers. He paused where Shay and Rafferty had the gurney, still working on the man, he stared at the man's face. Despite all the blood he recognised him.

"What's wrong?" Casey asked him as Shay and Rafferty left the apartment.

Before Severide could reply, the cops were taking a statement from Casey and he was telling them everything that had happened. Once they had finished taking the details, Severide spoke up. "I recognised him."

"You did?" Casey questioned, frowning.

"He was involved in an MVA, few days ago he came to the firehouse blaming us for not saving his brother, he was dead before we got there," Severide answered.

Casey didn't say anything, he was just sitting and looking at Severide, partly annoyed and partly upset that Severide hadn't told him anything about the incident because it's not something that happened every day.

It didn't take too long for the police to finish taking their statements and leave. When they did Severide went and fetch a couple of items from their extensive first aid kit.

"Are you really all right?" Severide asked, looking him over.

"I'll be fine. You never mentioned anything about this guy..."

"Didn't really think it was important enough to be honest. Don't mean to leave you out though."

Casey winced as Severide dabbed at the still bleeding cut on his upper lip.

"This might need stitches..." he said as he worked on getting the blood off Casey's face. "Matt, it was honestly nothing, that guy was a bit of a dick at the scene and when he came back a week later… but there was nothing we could have done, I mean, they'd both been drinking, his brother went straight into the side of the bridge."

Casey was silent for a few moments. "He followed you home? Knew when you were at the firehouse, waited for someone to let him into this building…"

"I don't know, he didn't seem that organised to me, he knew my name, I'm listed in the phone book."

"Kinda wish Shay didn't call you, bet you drove like a maniac to get here…"

"Well, we weren't expecting the situation to be this way around… no offence," he teased.

Casey shook his head but before he could say anything Severide gently touched his jaw.

"Don't feel guilty for defending yourself," Severide told him.

Casey looked him in the eyes. "He was out long before I stopped."

"But you stopped."

"Yeah…"

Severide placed a couple of butterfly strips over the cut on Casey's lip. He helped Casey up onto the couch then left to throw the bloodied gauze and wipes into the trash as he headed to the freezer.

"You need to go back to work," Casey said when Severide returned with an ice pack for his already bruised and swelling hand.

"Are you…"

"I'll be fine, Kel." Casey held the ice pack over the back of his hand.

"Right, well, suppose I'd better go then," Severide answered as he leaned over and kissed Casey's forehead. "Hey, maybe you should get back into the whole boxing thing..."

Casey shook his head, feigning dismay. "Yeah, I can see that really working out…"

"Ok, baby, see you in the morning."

Casey smiled as he watched Severide leave, sinking back into the couch and closing his eyes as the door was shut.

* * *

A few nights later, Casey and Severide were lying in bed just revelling in the warmth and comfort. Severide had his eyes closed and Casey was just looking at him, a small smile on his face, appreciating the wonder of the beautiful and loving person next to him.

Eyes still closed, Severide spoke quietly to him, "Baby… it's kinda creepy…"

"What is?" Casey said, rolling his eyes in a look of surprise at Severide's words.

"Can feel you staring at me."

He just grinned silently as Severide's eyes opened and he looked sideways at him. "I can't help it."

"I'm not gonna disappear on you. Go to sleep…" he paused and turned over to face Casey. "Do you feel unsafe?"

"What d'you mean?"

"Since that guy broke in?"

"Kelly, I gave him a skull fracture," Casey's voice was soft, almost apologetic as was his usual manner these days.

"I know but thing is, you shouldn't have had to. He invaded our safe space and I feel responsible for that. It was my fault he did what he did. I put you at risk. None of it was your fault," Severide spoke quietly as he voiced his thoughts, wrapping an arm around Casey, his own face worried.

Casey smiled, moving closer to Severide's worried features. "I feel safe ,and none of it was your fault." After a few moments Casey moved suddenly, "You want a midnight snack?"

"Hungry?"

"Starving," he chuckled, sitting up.

Severide's eyes narrowed, questioning.

"I'm fine, I think, thought I was coming down with something a while ago, but if I was I've got past it."

"Maybe it's the meds."

Casey smiled. "Or maybe I'm just hungry. Even that devil drug didn't make me want midnight snacks and I'm on less than half the dosage now."

He shook his head. "Devil drug… you want me to make you some grilled cheese? We have the good cheese in I think, the one that melts well…"

"I'll do it, you're working tomorrow."

"Yes, so I want to spend as much time as I can with you."

"I'll make it, do you want some?"

Severide shook his head, "Not with that cheese, it's not the same."

"Yet you get it in for me," he laughed.

"Well… your body's very special… in a good way as well…"

"Can we just stop with the whole clean eating stuff? It was only recommended, and it's almost been a whole year since the surgery…"

"And nothing has gone wrong with the transplant, and what if the diet is partly the reason for that… a year next week though…"

"Scary how quick it's gone," Casey commented.

"Yeah."

"Won't be long 'til the three-year mark," Casey said, thinking about his leg now they were on the subject of surgeries. "I don't want those dates to be anniversaries though. In a few years' time I want to have forgotten the dates, do you think that's possible…"

"Well, my dad always used to forget my birthday so… yeah, sure."

"He'd forget your birthday?"

"Not really on purpose though."

"We should do something really special for your birthday next year. We haven't done anything for ages."

"Oh, no, we really don't. It's not a special age or anything, and even if it were we don't need to do anything special… I'm gonna be old," Severide laughed.

"You're gonna be old? I'm not much younger than you!" he chuckled. "Anyway, it's a good date and that's what I want to remember, not bad dates."

Severide was silent for a few moments, thinking. "Did you want to visit your dad in a couple of weeks?" he asked softly, knowing it would soon be twenty years since his death. "It's been a while since we went."

Casey shook his head a little. "I don't need to go anymore, not like I used to. It's different, nothing's changed but I just don't need to do it, think that's partly because of you."

"Ok, well, the offers still gonna be there if you want me to go with you."

"We're remembering good dates, not bad dates," he smiled at him. "Now, are you sure I can't tempt you with some grilled cheese?"

"Oh, go on then," Severide shrugged with a small smile.

Once they had finished their quick late night snack they snuggled back in bed together, Severide with an arm wrapped around Casey, who his head tucked under Severide's chin. He smiled at how perfect everything felt right at that moment.

"Hey, doesn't cheese give you nightmares?" Severide asked thoughtfully.

Casey lifted his head and moved slightly so he could see Severide's face. "Everything gives me nightmares... besides, not sure it counts since it's not real cheese."

He moved down from the headboard and onto his pillow, closing his eyes. "Pretty damn close though," he muttered.

"Go to sleep, Kel."

"Night baby…"

Casey watched Severide a little longer before he settled himself into a comfortable sleeping position, his body just touching Severide's arm. Then he allowed himself to close his own eyes and drift away.

* * *

During Casey's physiotherapy session the following day Ty had decided to raise things up a notch for him on the treadmill, with the aim of improving Casey's confidence with his walking and to reduce his reliance on artificial aids, it seemed to be working. By the time the session was almost over, Casey was managing a fairly fast walk, a pace from which he could very easily have broken into a slow jog if he had wanted to, and if that had been their plan.

"That's it, Matt, that's great, just trust your leg… keep looking up…"

Casey lifted his head back up, it was a bad habit he had, he always glanced down at the ground. Ty had to remind him a few times. He knew it was simply an instinctive habit that Casey had developed because of his instability on his feet and because of his many falls since he had lost his leg.

Casey kept going, starting to feel a burn in his chest.

Ty sensed he needed a break. "You're doing great, we'll take a breather in a minute… that's it, we'll stop for now…"

Casey was sweating and breathing heavily as he sat down on the bench by his gear bag and plucked the sports bottle out, taking some much-needed gulps.

"You all right? Chest?" Ty quizzed him.

"Little tight but be fine soon," he responded after taking another sip of water from his sports bottle.

"Have you been swimming recently?"

"Few times," Casey answered.

Ty nodded vigorously, "I can tell, it's done you some good already, you should keep incorporating it into your routine."

"Do you think running is going to be too optimistic?" Casey asked after a few seconds.

Ty considered the question for a moment or two. "It's going to be challenging," he responded diplomatically. "Someone once told me that running is like controlled falling," he told Casey

"I've done a lot of falling, none of it controlled," Casey laughed. "I think my heart's going to stop me though."

"Matt, for now, let's not get ahead of ourselves. We've stepped up the walking and you've done really well with that."

"Yeah… on a completely smooth and flat surface…" he answered sceptically.

"Remember how long it took to walk without aids the first time around? And factor in that you now have new hip joints, and you had another leg salvage surgery. You're doing better than most."

Casey looked at him doubtfully.

"It can be difficult to keep the motivation," Ty half-questioned.

Casey shrugged a little, "I like having something to focus on."

"And it's a good aim to focus on, but when you have a bad day, if you don't so well in the next session don't let it put you off."

"I know," he nodded, "I'm sure I'm going to be two steps forward, one step back most the time."

"Good, that's actually a healthy mentality to have about it all."

"Well, been doing this for a long enough time now," he laughed a little.

"Right, ready to get back to it?"

Casey nodded, smiling. His breathing normal now he'd been sat for a while, and his chest less strained.

* * *

On Thanksgiving Casey and Severide spent an enjoyable afternoon at Boden's house. He and Donna had prepared a wonderful meal. They got to meet their beautiful baby son, Terrance, and spent some time playing with him, Casey in particular had been captivated by the wide-eyed little boy. Casey was thoughtful as they bid their goodbyes and made their way back home in the early evening, when they had some peaceful time alone in their bedroom, time for some relaxed kissing and holding one another, something which had inevitably lead to sex.

As Severide was pulling his boxers on he became aware that Casey hadn't moved from his position flat on his back, and he had a somewhat wistful expression on his face that Severide couldn't quite read. "Are you ok? Did I hurt you?" Severide asked, one question on top of another.

"I'm fine," came Casey's usual response, and he smiled, focusing back on Severide, pushing himself up onto his elbows so he could move to lean against the headboard.

"What's wrong then?" Severide asked, "I can tell there's something..." He sat down on the bed by Casey's side, placing a hand on his residual limb, stroking it softly.

"Was just thinking. Could we… could we maybe do something a little more adventurous…" Casey's eyes stared up at Severide as he waited for a reaction.

Severide's expression became one of sadness mixed with concern and he sighed. "Matt…" he began, "I don't want to hurt you."

"But we don't know what will happen, we should just try something, something we used to do?"

"You're not satisfied? I know you used to love trying new stuff and me taking control but…"

"I'm not made of china."

"Matt… you are."

Casey was silent but Severide could tell he was hurting but he just watched as Casey threw on his shirt and boxers, he grabbed his crutches and left the bedroom. Severide sat and waited for a while. He wasn't going to chase after him, Casey needed time to think and cool down a bit. Severide knew he should have worded his response better and explained his reasoning. If he followed Casey now it would all blow up into a full-scale argument so he waited a few minutes before he got up and left the room.

Severide found him sitting on the couch, head in his hands. He sat down next to Casey, trying to pick his words carefully. "I shouldn't have said that, Matt, not like that, you are like china to me but only because you're the most precious thing to me."

"I know, I'm sorry, I kinda blew it out of proportion. Can't keep myself in check sometimes..." Casey answered ruefully, making Severide smile.

"Well, maybe we'll dig out the handcuffs or something, yeah? Or you can surprise me with something?"

A small smile tugged at the corners of Casey's mouth. "Sounds good to me. We're ok, aren't we?"

"Why wouldn't we be? What's on your mind?" Severide knew there was more to all this than met the eye.

"Seeing Terrance today... made me realise that I let you down with the whole adoption thing..."

"I'm gonna be honest with you..." Severide began, seeing how Casey seemed to be bracing himself for what he thought was coming, wanting to put his mind at rest. "I've not given it much thought since we decided to put it on hold." Severide purposely emphasised the word 'we' because he felt it was important that Casey should know he believed they had made a joint decision, and that he didn't blame Casey for anything. "Donna and Boden's little guy sure was cute, and I could see how affected you were when you were with him. You'll be a great dad but the timing has to be right, you know? With everything else that's going on..."

"I'm doing so much better now, other than my heart, and I guess that won't change much..." Casey sighed.

"You want to look into it again? You know that I'm ready when you are, baby," Severide affirmed.

"I don't know, I don't exactly have the longest life expectancy, but…"

"You've wanted a family for so long."

"It's selfish, I know. I just kinda want to look into options again, we never looked into surrogacy before, and I'm not dismissing adoption at all… I just, I dunno, it's just been on my mind. Maybe it's not something that's meant to happen, maybe me going back and forth on it is a sign…"

"Since when did you believe in signs?" Severide couldn't stop himself from chuckling a little.

"I don't but maybe…" he sighed, "I don't know what I'm talking about, do I?"

"Maybe not, but you do want kids. We both do..."

"Yeah," he nodded.

"Then please don't overthink it, ok? We can look into all sorts of stuff, we can go down the adoption route again or something else, there's gonna be something perfect out there."

"We should just do the adoption, that was the original idea…"

"You don't want a kid with my amazing DNA?"

"A mini Kelly Severide would be very cute," Casey chuckled.

"Or a mini Matt…"

"Yeah... but that would require quite a bit more medical intervention, and it might not even be possible anyway…" Casey's expression turned to one of sadness as he thought about how badly his injuries had affected him.

"Sorry, shouldn't have mentioned it."

He shook his head, "No, you are right, it is something I could look into… but then… it's just that we don't know how long I've got…"

"Matt, don't overthink it, your health isn't perfect, but even if it was you could hit by bus and the kid wouldn't have you then either…"

"That's a terrible example!" he almost laughed.

"Yes it is but it's true. All kinds of things happen to people every day, we both know that, so let's live for now and make the best future we can."

* * *

Casey spent his time alone for most of the day on the three-year anniversary since he'd lost his leg. Severide was working and had wanted to call him up, to check on him, just to hear the sound of his voice even, but he had held back, knowing that Casey wouldn't want him to make the day a significant one. He would want it to pass by like any other normal day.

After his physiotherapy session with Ty he stopped by the mall on his way back to the apartment, ending up walking around for a couple of hours, not wanting to be alone with his thoughts, figuring he could distract himself with some Christmas shopping. He didn't buy much, a couple of items for Severide, a pair of black jeans for himself because Shay had adjusted the leg on his only other black pair some time ago. He also picked up a new cruet set since he had managed to smash their pepper pot when he had been suffering from tremors. He headed home afterwards, tired but he was glad of that because he slept on the couch for the rest of the afternoon, happy to barely have a single thought about the terrorist attack that had caused his injuries.

When Severide arrived home after his shift he found Casey on the couch, wrapped up in a blanket, dozing happily with Pumpkin by his side, and Midnight was stretched out on the floor. The apartment was warm and cosy after the cold temperatures outside.

"Hey baby," he began.

Casey opened his eyes and smiled.

"You sleep there all night?"

Casey was shaking his head, right hand gently stroking Pumpkin's soft fur. "Couldn't sleep," he responded honestly, "My own fault, slept most the afternoon yesterday. How was shift?"

"Quiet," Severide smiled softly at Casey. He had been hoping for a busy shift to keep his mind occupied and away from thinking about what day it was. He sat down on the couch next to Casey and Pumpkin scuttled away into the kitchen area for some food.

"It was easier than I thought it would be," he spoke up, looking at Severide. "Got you a shirt and some socks yesterday."

"What for?" Severide asked, grinning, secretly pleased at the thought.

"Saw the shirt, liked it, bought it," he shrugged.

"Could have got it for yourself."

"It'll look better on you…" Casey contradicted, shaking his head.

"You look really good at the moment, baby, I mean it, you're looking healthier…"

"I look tired, sick and…"

"And?"

"And I did get myself some jeans," he pointed out.

"Please don't tell me you think you look weak…" Severide sighed, realising what Casey had been about to say.

"I don't feel strong or fit."

"Matt, I know I don't need to remind you about everything your body has gone through…"

"Sorry, I think staying up all night has got to me. I don't need some reassuring little speech, really."

"All right, well, maybe you should go to bed now…"

Casey thought for a few moments. "I have a better idea," he spoke firmly.

Severide caught a somewhat interesting sparkle in Casey's eyes and raised his eyebrows in anticipation of whatever it was Casey had in mind.

Casey had taken control. He had Severide lying flat on his back, naked, arms tied to the bed heads with black silk ties from a box under the bed that had laid untouched for the past three years. Severide watched as Casey slowly removed his own clothes, teasing Severide as he did. A hungry look came to Severide's face as he looked at Casey. Scars or no scars, he was still beautiful to Severide and he was growing fitter and even more beautiful as the weeks passed.

"Do you remember the safe word?" Casey asked sternly, giving Severide a hard look now as he slipped into the act. Their roles were reversed, before Casey used to enjoy giving up all his control in the bedroom but he felt like he'd been out of control for so long now, he had nothing to give up.

"How could I forget?" Severide responded, testing the strength and security of the ties that held him. Casey had done a good job and he could barely move his arms at all.

Casey set his crutches to one side and got onto the bed, slowly managing to straddle Severide, he grunted at little then gently started rocking himself back and forth, wincing slightly now and again as their bodies moved in rhythm with each other.

"You ok?" Severide whispered, concerned for Casey.

Casey shook off his concern. "You're not allowed to talk. The only words I want to hear from your leaps are moans. You can't even say my name," he spoke firmly.

"Are you trying to torture…"

"Do I need to gag you?" Casey grinned, his hips finally relaxing.

"Don't worry, I'll do whatever you want."

Casey leaned forward and began to kiss him, working his way down as far as he could, wanting to give him as much pleasure as possible.

Later in the day, after they'd had a few hours relaxing, Severide was sitting on the couch, watching a game on TV when Casey came over to him. He could tell how sore his body must be just by the way he was moving but he said nothing as Casey came and sat next to him, smiling broadly, their thighs touching.

He leaned over a gave Severide a soft affectionate kiss. "Thank you for this morning."

"Good to be in control of something for once?"

Casey nodded. "And you gotta admit, it was a lot more exciting, closer to before."

"Yeah," Severide replied, stroking Casey's arm.

Sensing Severide's thoughts he spoke up, "You didn't hurt me."

"Good."


	49. The Goldmoor Inn

Severide was just on the verge of opening the bedroom door but stopped when her overheard Casey on the phone. He could see Casey sitting on the edge of the bed through the small gap between the door and the frame.

"Well, just call me back when you get this message, let me know if you want to come here for Christmas." Casey paused. "Or maybe if you want me to come to New York?" Casey's tone of voice was hopeful but Severide was fairly sure his hopes would be dashed. "Just let me know, ok? And, well, I'm managing to look after your kidney still so erm…"

Severide heard Casey sigh and delete the message before it could be sent. He waited a moment and then walked into the room, he sat down next to Casey and wordlessly put his right arm around him. Casey leaned into the touch.

After a while Severide broke the silence. "I'm working Christmas Day," he announced softly letting Casey know that he had heard him on the phone without actually saying so directly.

Casey just sighed. "Yeah, I worked that one out," he told him.

"My dad mentioned they're gonna have a get together on Christmas Eve, so we could always go there… free booze and food of course." Severide grinned, hoping that might cheer Casey up but it just made him tense up. "And maybe call you mom back later? Leave a message if she doesn't answer?" he spoke gently.

Casey was thoughtful for a moment, mulling it all over in his mind. "Can we just spend Christmas together? I mean, we can go and see your dad, of course, but I just want to spend the holiday with you…"

"Well," Severide began tentatively, "You could come to the firehouse?"

Casey didn't say anything but his expression told Severide that he didn't want to do that.

"I'm not asking you to, you don't have to, it's just an idea…"

"I don't know if I can, but I don't want you to be…"

"It's only Christmas, it's not a big deal to me."

"Maybe I will come by, maybe, I'd like to but… I don't know, it just seems hard, which is silly because it's just a building…"

"It's not silly, I think I understand," Severide told him. "So, you gonna call your mom?"

He shook his head.

"Matt, I know you want to."

"I just want it to be normal but it's a childish wish. And I have you. I have you," he smiled.

Severide nodded, stroking Casey's arm a little. "You do have me. But having me isn't gonna stop you from wanting a better relationship with your mom."

"Sometimes I just want to forget about her, and I felt guilty about that even before she gave me her kidney…"

"I don't think the kidney should change anything, I had hoped it would improve things with you guys but…"

"She has her new life now, I'm just not part of it." Casey hated how immature his words sounded but it was something he was constantly aware of when he talked about his family. "I guess I'm too much of a reminder for her to handle..."

Severide took his hand. "You do know that I'm never going to leave you, ever, I won't ever abandon you."

"I worry every time you're on shift," he laughed a little at the admission.

"And I worry about you all the time, but only because I love you… and I love how much you smile when I tell you that."

Casey's smile grew that little bit brighter and Severide's heart grew that little bit fuller.  
  


* * *

 

When the holidays arrived Casey and Severide ended up going to Benny's on Christmas Eve. Casey knew Severide wanted to go and he hadn't wanted to give him a reason for them not going. While they were there pleasantries and small talk was made and Benny had proudly shown his son around to other guests there, but not once did he bother to introduce Casey to anyone, clearly not wanting anyone to know his son was living with a man, but Severide proudly introduced him to the guests that did not know who he was. 

By early evening, the two of them made an excuse and left everyone else to get drunk and eat all the buffet food. Casey poured drinks for them both back at the apartment and then promptly fell fast asleep on the couch while they watched a Christmas movie on the TV. Casey had decorated the apartment beautifully in festive colours and lots of lights and it looked so lovely that even Severide had been impressed with his efforts. He smiled softly at the gentle colours cast across the room by the lights, looking down at Casey sleeping in his arms.

Even whilst asleep, he could hear how Casey's breathing was gradually becoming a little poorer than earlier in the day, as it usually did when he grew tired and his lungs began struggling and he knew he'd have to wake him up soon. He knew and understood that Casey was self-conscious about how fragile his body was at times so he never made a big deal about things, he just calmly and assuredly made certain that he took his medication regularly and ate well and got plenty of rest. Listening to his harsh breathing now worried Severide, especially since his latest cardiac arrest. Casey's heart was still weak and it affected every aspect of his life even with the changes to his medications, although he was still determined he would one day run again. Severide knew enough money had been raised for a running blade now but he wondered if it would ever happen. He wanted it to happen because of how much Casey wanted it, but there was so much doubt in his mind and it wasn't for Casey's lack of trying. He was pushing himself to his own limits every single day and had already grown so much more confident with his abilities since the hip and leg surgeries. It made Severide so happy to see and the happier he was, the happier Casey was.

As the movie was finishing, Severide tenderly brushed a stray strand of blond hair out of the way and bent his head to kiss Casey's forehead. "Hey, baby, time to wake up. Time we went to bed."

In the end Casey didn't visit the firehouse on Christmas Day. He couldn't bring himself to spend time in the place he had called his second home for so long. It had been such an integral part of his life and he missed it so much now that he just needed to stay away. He knew it would unearth memories, good and bad, and he didn't want that. Severide had told him that he didn't mind him not going to 51, and it was the truth. He had something very special planned for the two of them when he got home on Boxing Day, something he had kept secret from Casey for a while now.

The 25th of December had been spent pretty much like any other day for both of them, except Severide had a sumptuous meal made for him at the firehouse and Casey spent the day reading, watching TV and amusing himself by tying a red scarf and a green elf's hat onto each of the cats. He caught them on camera and sent a photo to Severide but soon removed the outfits from the feline pair because they were mewling and trying to pull them off, clearly annoyed by the things.  
  


* * *

 

"Morning, baby," Severide greeted Casey with a warm smile as he arrived home a little after nine the following morning. Casey was sitting on the couch idly stroking Pumpkin's velvety belly, lost in his own thoughts. He looked up as Severide walked over to him, planting an affectionate kiss on his forehead. "I need you to pack for two nights away," he announced.

"Why? What are we doing?" Casey retorted, frowning a little.

"Our own little Christmas. We need to leave in a couple of hours. It's all planned..."

"What about my..." Casey started to say but Severide cut him off, chuckling.

"Everything is sorted, you just need to pack."

"Where are we going?" Casey was still frowning.

"It's a three hour drive, and that's all I'm saying, ok?"

"To where?" he asked.

"Now, that's the sixty-four thousand dollar question." Severide grinned. "And don't go searching for every possible location that's three hours away. You won't guess it."

"Kel... I don't know if I have enough meds, and what about the cats?"

"Do you trust me?"

"Of course I do, but..." Casey began.

"No 'buts.' Everything is sorted. I swapped my next shift and Shay is gonna check in on the cats. All you need to do is sort out your meds for three days and get stuff ready... whatever you wanna take."

"How do I know what I need to take if I don't know where we're going or what we're doing?"

Severide grinned at Casey. "Don't look at me so suspiciously. I mean it's very cute but you don't need to worry. It's all good. Just pack normal winter clothes, you don't need anything smart really, just casual and smart/casual. I can pack your bag for you if you want?"

"You packed yet?"

Severide shook his head in response.

"Well, we can pack our stuff together then," Casey grinned.

"You're gonna love it, baby."

"Ok. Guess if you think I will then I will," Casey answered, standing up and kissing Severide lightly.  
  


* * *

 

Their journey began well but before they were an hour out of Chicago, heading west, Casey started to feel ill. He knew it was his own fault because he had been studying the map on his phone, and even reading a book for a while, and all that had made him feel nauseated. So much so that Severide had to pull over to the side of the road and Casey had to get out of the car. Severide stroked his back as he threw up into the fluffy white snow, his insides heaving as he retched and spluttered. Luckily it passed quickly and Severide was handing Casey a bottle of cold water. When they set off again Casey soon fell asleep, his head resting on the passenger side window, so Severide let his sleep and didn't wake him until they were just about to arrive at their destination.

"Baby, we're here," Severide announced, just loudly enough to wake Casey up. He smiled at his sleepy expression as he slowly came around, yawning widely. Severide managed to stop himself from asking Casey how he felt because he knew it drove him crazy. But he could tell from looking at him that the sleep had done him good.

Casey smiled tiredly as Severide drove slowly up the snow sprinkled drive. "Where exactly are we?"

Severide just grinned. "You'll see any minute now," he told Casey, "Just beyond these pines..."

Casey's eyes widened as the beautiful old Victorian style building came into view. "This is where we're staying?" he asked, his voice filled with awe and his eyes wide as he watched the building loom larger as they got closer.

"Uh huh. Like it?"

"Like it?" he repeated, "I've never stayed anywhere this fancy before…"

"It's not that fancy, it's just…"

"It's lovely."

"Good," Severide grinned, pleased that Casey seemed happy with his choice. "I hope the inside is just as nice as the outside."

Severide pulled the car up in one of the disabled parking spots close to the main entrance and cut the engine. They both stared up at the beautiful old building, filled with anticipation for their short vacation. Severide unbuckled his seats belt and leaned over to give Casey a kiss, and in response, he gave Severide's knee a playful squeeze.

"Merry Christmas, baby," Severide said, still smiling.

Inside the building, the concierge showed them to their very own private suite, on the main floor for ease of access for Casey, a beautiful space with its own private entrance, lots of beautifully carved wood furniture that Severide knew Casey would adore. It had a huge super king-sized bed with luxury bedding, and in one corner was the two-person hot tub which Severide intended for them to make as much use of as they could. Two chairs stood in front of the fireplace, which contained what looked like a real log fire but was in fact a clever fake. The room was warm and cosy with a view over to the Mississippi River.

Casey sat himself in front of the fire in one of the chairs while Severide made two trips to the car, which was almost outside their suite's private entrance door. The bellboy had fetched their bags to the room but most of Casey's equipment was still in the car. He made Casey sit down and rest, prompting him to argue that he had slept a lot on the way over from Chicago, but Severide wouldn't hear a word of his protest so he had no choice but to sit and relax.

Casey grinned at Severide when he came back into the suite the second time, his arms full of Casey's oxygen tank and breathing equipment, and his prosthetic in a bag hanging over his right shoulder. He put everything down on the bed.

"So, when do we get to test out the hot tub then?" Casey grinned mischievously as Severide passed him the bag containing his prosthetic. He unzipped it and took out the leg.  
  
"Well," Severide began, smiling at Casey, "Thought we should maybe go for a walk if you feel up to it? Have a wander round, get the feel of the place? Could do to stretch our legs after that journey. How's that sound?"

After a moment, Casey just smiled and held up his prosthetic, the knee bent in the wrong direction. "I'm all stretched, don't know about you..."

"Very funny, Matt," Severide drolled. "Put that thing on and let's get some air..."

Severide pulled out their winter gear from one of the bags whilst Casey slipped on the liner, made an adjustment to his leg with the small kit he carried around, and donned the prosthetic.

Outside the temperature was below zero, it felt even colder than Chicago but they were both wrapped up in warm coats, hats and gloves. Severide had even wrapped a thick scarf around Casey, only his eyes and nose could be seen but Casey made no objections, he felt the cold so easily. He decided to be safe and use both crutches as he walked along the snowy path. The scenery was beautiful, just like a Christmas card scene. Severide had been snapping photos until his fingers grew too cold.

"We're using the hot tub when we get back, right? Or I don't think suffering the cold is gonna be worth it," Casey laughed when they started heading back to the country inn.

"You telling me you didn't like the view?"

"The view is lovely but we could see some of it from the warmth of the room," he joked. "No, it's been good. And it's been nice that you've not been grabbing me constantly for fear I'll slip over. I'm a lot steadier than you think."

"Well, maybe I just wanna hold you all the time."

"I'll never object to that." Not when he was hardly held as a child, he almost craved physical contact from Severide when he returned home from his twenty-four hour shifts. It made him feel safe and loved. It felt like a childish need, but it was something that always made him feel better, that was of course unless the pain or panic he was in made him recoil from touch, he hated that, but it happened so rarely nowadays.

When they returned from their walk they made use of their hot tub. Severide filled it and switched on the pump. Casey manoeuvred himself onto the side of the tub and Severide took the crutches, then helped Casey down into the warm, gently bubbling water. He had poured in some spicy aromatic bath gel so fragrant bubbles floated on the surface around where they were sitting, and two yellow bath ducks bobbed up and down in amongst the foam. They sat there for a while, up to their shoulders in the water, Casey with his head resting on Severide's shoulder as he just enjoyed the warmth and comfort of the hot tub, flicking away one of the rubber ducks when it came near, smiling tiredly.

"You're not allowed to fall asleep on me," Severide told Casey, smiling, one arm snaked around his waist under the water.

"You're comfortable," he responded, slowly fluttering his eyes open.

Severide rolled his eyes, pushing Casey gently off his shoulder so he could grab the shampoo bottle from the side of the tub. He squeezed a generous amount of the fresh apple fragranced liquid onto his hands and began to run them through Casey's hair, massaging his head and mixing the shampoo with water, covering Casey with a mass of bubbles.

"I'm glad you grew your hair out. I should have told you before, but I do really like it," Severide mused as he started to rinse the shampoo from Casey's hair. Casey had left it to grow, only getting it styled, during the last eight months or so. It had already been longer than he'd usually kept it before the accident, purely because he hadn't felt the need to keep it neat and tidy since he stopped working at the academy. He'd always kept up a smart appearance as a truck lieutenant, partly because of the young age he'd been promoted at, he'd wanted to look the part, he didn't want anyone thinking he was less than capable because of his age.

"I like it too, it's… it's different, should have left it from day one, when I look in the mirror now… it's better…" He thought for a moment and chuckled out loud.

"What?" Severide urged.

"My parents would hate it. I like that too."

After their time in the hot tub they dried off with the warm fluffy towels on the heated rack and got dressed for dinner, choosing from the extensive menu the Goldmoor had in their restaurant. After Severide had coffee and liqueurs they decided to make their way back to their suite and call it a night, tired after their long journey and relaxed after their long bath, both of them slept peacefully, even Casey's sleep was undisturbed.  
  


* * *

 

The next morning Casey's alarm woke him up, some of the medications he took needed to be taken exactly twelve hours apart, so he took them at 8am and 8pm. He stretched in the warmth of the comfy bed, sighing deeply. Once he got his eyes open, he saw that Severide wasn't next to him and there was a little note on the nightstand telling him that Severide had gone for an early morning run. Casey took off his oxygen mask and pulled himself into a sitting position, reaching for his medication which Severide had left out with a glass of water. Then he got up and pulled on one of the luxury white robes provided and stood propped up on his crutches, looking out of the floor to ceiling window at the pristine snowy scenery. He spotted Severide running back up the path they had walked down yesterday and he smiled at the image.

When he returned from his run Severide immediately jumped into the shower and Casey decided to get back into bed for a while longer, leaving the robe on the chair by the bed. After Severide finished showering he padded into the bedroom, smiling when he was Casey sprawled across the huge bed, bare chested and only half covered in the comforter. He couldn't resist leaning over and placing tiny affectionate kisses on Casey's exposed flesh.

"You're wet…" Casey grumbled, opening his eyes to see Severide's freshly washed body shedding tiny droplets of water onto his own chest.

"You're too irresistible, couldn't stay away from you," Severide grinned.

Casey's eyes narrowed with mock suspicion but he was still smiling. "What do you want?"

"I can't just compliment you?"

"What have you planned for today?"

"I might not have planned anything…"

"I know you have," he smiled.

"Well, we'll go for a walk this morning…"

Casey laughed in that disarming way he had that always melted Severide's heart. "My mandatory daily walk, huh? What am I? Your pet? Better get my collar then..."

"Now that is kinky." Severide laughed along with him and they fell into a twirl of arms and legs on the bed, holding each other for a while.  
  


* * *

A little later on in the day they were sitting together in their suite, eating lunch at the table by one of the windows when Severide announced that he had another surprise for Casey. "I've been keeping something else from you," he began after he put his fork down.

Casey just looked across the table at him, his face full of curious anticipation. But he didn't say anything, he just waited for Severide to explain.

"So, a while back the Chaplain asked me if there was anything he and everyone could do for you…"

He frowned a little. "Not sure I like where this is going."

"It's not a handout, it's just… Matt, they've all raised enough money for you to get a running blade, if that's what you want, or they're happy for you to use it any way that you think will be helpful…"

Casey was silent.

"Matty, say something…"

"Thank you."

"So you just need to talk to Ty and the prosthetist and you can get it all sorted, no need to worry about…"

Casey stopped him. "Thank you but I need to think about it."

"What do you mean?"

"Kel, I'm still using one crutch half the time, not even done a fast walk, never mind a jog…"

"Yeah but if you do this will help and it's something you could get back into, you wanted to run, you always used to enjoy it… do you think it's not going to happen?"

"I think it'll take a lot more hard work."

Severide smiled. "You're no stranger to hard work."

"No," he smiled back at him.  
  


* * *

Once they had eaten their light lunch Severide revealed that he had organised for them to have a full body massage in the spa. He was a little apprehensive about how uncomfortable Casey might feel about a complete stranger seeing all his body scars, but he explained that they wouldn't do anything Casey didn't want and that he could just have a back massage, Casey was actually pleased and was looking forward to it. It would be a new experience for him, since he had learned to be frugal from a very early age, whereas Severide had been to spas before and knew exactly what to expect.

Before Casey had almost fallen sleep during the massage  he had done some thinking about what Severide had revealed to him earlier, and now that he was sitting back in their room on one of the two chairs, his body felt more relaxed than he had been for years as he watched Severide putting away their coats in the closet, his eyes half closed, the faux flames of the fire flickering around the room, the orange glow making him feel warm and comfortable.

Severide walked over and pulled the other chair close enough to be able to reach a hand out and link his fingers in Casey's. "Something's on your mind?" He was very perceptive and well attuned to Casey's moods and emotions.

Casey sat thoughtfully for a moment. He didn't want to diminish Severide and everyone else's efforts in raising so much money for him, and so quickly, but he did feel uncomfortable with it, and he had his reasons. "Do you know how lucky I am?" Casey said at length, turning his head so he was facing Severide. His words were more of a statement than a question.

"What do you mean?"

"I have you and all the guys and Shay. All the brilliant nurses, I've have an amazing prosthetic, a great wheelchair, all the assistive devices I could ever need…"

"You deserve the best after everything you've gone through," Severide told him. He knew he didn't need reminding of it all though.

"Hardly anyone gets the best," he responded. "I have a few medical bills to pay off but they're not even a drop in the ocean compared to what they could have been if the CFD and insurance hadn't been so good about everything."

"Matt... what are you thinking?" Severide already knew exactly where this conversation leading though.

"This money. I don't think I should have it."

"It was raised for you," Severide countered.

"Yeah, for a second foot. Some people don't even have one prosthetic... I just think it could go to something better or I should give it back." Casey just watched Severide's neutral expression for a moment before continuing. "Or would you be disappointed in me? It doesn't mean I won't ever be able to run, I could run to an extent with this foot…"

"Matt, I could never be disappointed in you. Ever."

"Really?"

Severide's face broke into a grin at Casey's uncertainty. No one could ever call Matthew Casey boastful, Severide just wished he could be surer of himself. "Really," he told him. "The money is for you, it's to help with anything…"

"I don't want to have it, I want someone more deserving… someone who needs it more right now, or some people… they should give it to the 100 Club or…"

"Matt…"

"I really don't want it…" He looked around their lavish hotel room. "It's not like we need it, really, is it? It was a lovely thing for them to do and I appreciate it though."

Severide nodded slowly, smiling a little.

"Do you want me to have it?" Casey asked him, searching his expression.

"I'm happy as long as you are, really…"

"I know. Kelly, I'm not sure I'll ever run. Sorry."

"Did you want to run for me?"

After a moment Casey responded, shaking his head. "No, I just… I really appreciate everything everyone's done, raising all that money but nothing's certain, and there really is something better the money can go towards, for other people, not me."

Severide's response was just to lean over the chair arms and pull Casey into a hug, resting his head on the mop of blond hair.

"You don't mind, do you?" Casey murmured into Severide's shoulder.

"Of course I don't. To be honest, I thought you'd feel this way. Hoped maybe I could persuade you to be less selfless for once but I know that's not who you are, and l love you for who you are, baby."

"I really am lucky," Casey responded.

Severide just looked at him quizzically.

"You're the only person the world who always puts up with me. You're perfect. I'd have left me a long time ago."

Severide broke into laughter at Casey's words. "Of course you'd say that."

"I don't want to go home tomorrow, we should stay in this winter wonderland forever and ever."

"Think the cats might have something to say about that," Severide chuckled. "And Boden," he added.

"The cats will be happy as long as they're fed… and as for Boden… well, I guess you can't keep everyone pleased." They smiled at each other and Severide planted a gentle kiss on Casey's temple.

"The cats love you, which I think is saying a lot since they're cats," Severide told him.

"Thanks for this trip."

"I did the right thing?"

"You always do the right thing for me," Casey smiled.

"Hot tub time again?" he suggested.

"Definitely."

"Right, you get those clothes off and I'll set it running..."


	50. Panic

A month had passed since their vacation out at the Goldmoor Inn. As the New Year wore on Casey's physiotherapy sessions became less frequent. The insurance only covered a finite amount so Casey had to pay for each individual session as and when he felt like they were needed. When he was up and walking he was managing with little to no assistance, although he still had to use his wheelchair whenever he was just too tired. He was fine with this. He had accepted some time ago that he may never be able to completely live without it and that he would always have to rely on it to a degree due to the weakness of his heart. Life was normal for Severide and Casey, even a little mundane at times, but they didn't mind that at all, not after everything they'd both been through. It was just nice to be getting on with things with no complications.

Severide sat himself on the couch where Casey had a book open on his lap. He looked up and smiled at the new company by his side.

"I'm gonna go by the boat yard soon if you wanna tag alone? It's stopped snowing," Severide told him.

"Sure. This book isn't great…"

"So stop reading it," Severide laughed at him.

"It might get better," Casey answered, shrugging slightly.

Severide peered at the book more closely. "You're more than half way, you should give up."

"Nope." Casey shook his head, but smiled anyway, slipping a bookmark between the pages and closing the book. "I'll just get ready and we'll go?"

Severide nodded, taking the book from Casey and putting it on the coffee table. Casey stood up on his crutches and went to put his prosthetic on. Severide was just finishing his coffee when he heard Casey call his name from the bathroom. He strode across the apartment, opened the door and found Casey standing in front of the toilet. Severide waited for Casey to speak but he remained silent.

"Matt?" Severide said eventually.

"Erm…" Casey began before turning to him. "There's blood."

Severide's instinctively turned his eyes to the toilet bowl, but took a moment before he replied, wanting to keep calm. He had automatically thought the worst and he knew Casey was thinking the same. "Ok, did it hurt, baby? Any pain?"

"Yeah, a little pain, maybe started yesterday, just when I…"

"Matty, you gotta say something if you have any pain like this, right? You can't take risks..."

"I know, I know..." Casey responded, "Hoped it would just disappear... wasn't sure it was anything, don't like to waste anyone's time."

Severide just sighed. Casey's sense of self-preservation was no better than it had been when he was working as Truck Lieutenant at 51. "You're not wasting anyone's time, ok? But let's not worry too much, we just need to call the doctor and see what we need to do next, I'll bet it's just a minor infection and your kidney will be fine."

"Yeah, it's fine and we're worrying over nothing really..."

"Yeah exactly." Severide touched Casey's arm in a gesture of comfort.

* * *

The next morning the two of them were sitting in the waiting room of the hospital's nephrology department. Casey's primary doctor hadn't wanted to rush him straight in after they had spoken the day before, a fact that made them both feel a little less worried. Despite that, Severide could see Casey's anxiety all over his face as he tapped his fingers nervously against his thigh during their wait to see the doctor.

"Kelly, I feel fine," Casey said, seeing Severide peering worriedly at him.

"I know. Think you've said that almost fifty times since yesterday."

"Sorry, have I? Damnit... I hate all of this. Wish I hadn't had that transplant... I don't deserve..." Casey lifted a hand to his face and running it through his hair, screwing his eyes shut.

"Hey, hey, hey… stop that now…"

"Sorry. I feel so… so out of control…"

Severide had no chance to reply as Casey's name was called out and they had to head to the examination room

The doctor studied his patient as Casey eased himself carefully down into one of the chairs by the desk, mentally noting his appearance. Pale skin, almost transparent and stretched taut across his cheekbones, darkened sunken eyes ringed by shadows, little colour to his lips. He looked tired and weary despite his smile. But that was his usual appearance since his injuries, transplant and major surgeries. For Casey, it was pretty good. The nephrologist had seen him look far worse in the past and he looked more or less how the man had expected.

"You're looking pretty good at the moment, Matt," the doctor told him with a kind smile, "How are you feeling? Be honest, none of this 'I'm fine' stuff if you're not, all right? You've had blood in your urine?"

Casey nodded. "Yeah, yesterday afternoon, it was... pink, and it's been various shades of pink ever since."

"And it's painful when you urinate?"

"Yeah, a bit."

"You've dealt with a lot of pain so you didn't think much of it?"

"Not really, but it's been like that for quite a few days..."

"A few days?" Severide's voice betrayed his disbelief, "Thought you said..."

Casey's apologetic look stopped him mid-sentence. "I feel fine though, no fever, just the blood..." Casey told the doctor.

"Any abdominal pain? Upper back pain? Any discharge?" the man continued to ask Casey questions.

"Erm... maybe some lower abdominal pain," Casey finally admitted, still avoiding looking at Severide. "Ok, Matt. I need to do an examination. Kelly can stay unless you want some privacy?"

Severide had expected Casey to ask him to leave the room but he didn't, he simply shook his head and gave Severide a small smile, which he returned.

"Ok Matt, just slip your pants down and shirt up if you would and get onto the bed and lie back," the doctor instructed, getting up from the desk.

Casey got himself up onto the bed and lay back as the doctor warmed his hands, ready to start the examination.

He looked down at Casey's scarred body, commenting on his observation. ''You look like you've lost weight since the last check-up I gave you?"

"Not noticed," Casey responded, staring straight above himself at the tiled ceiling. "Been doing a lot more exercise though."

"Hopefully that explains it then," the doctor told him as he adjusted the waistband on Casey's boxers and began to palpate his lower abdomen, all the time explaining to Casey what he was doing and why.

It was when Casey winced and let out a sharp involuntary moan, then gritted his teeth, that Severide wanted to grab his hand and comfort him but he held back, not wanting to get in the doctor's way.

"Ok, so far so good. Matt, can you just slip your boxers down for me. l need to do a quick genitalia exam just so we can rule some things out, ok? It won't take long."

Casey just nodded, still not looking at the man nor at Severide. He slipped his boxers down just enough to allow the doctor access.

"Don't get jealous, Kelly," he said, trying to hide his discomfort behind a joke and a forced smile as the doctor began to examine his penis and testicles. It was uncomfortable and he was glad when it was all over. It wasn't the fact that the doctor was looking at him, it was the fact that there could be something seriously wrong with him that was making him uncomfortable.

"Everything looks good, Matt" the doctor said reassuringly, which Casey took as his cue to pull his boxers back up. "Just need you to lie on your right side for me now, if you can... that's it, thanks... just tell me if anything hurts or you feel any pain..."

But there was no pain or even discomfort as the doctor examined his back and sides.

"Good, Matt. Now I'm going to be overly cautious. I don't think your kidney is under threat but I'm gonna do an ultrasound to check things over, ok?"

Severide both laughed at that thought. "Don't worry, he's not pregnant, doc," he joked, making the nephrologist and Casey smile. Severide had seen them check his kidney with the ultrasound before and he made the same joke every single time. And it made Casey smile every single time.

Casey was still grinning but it faded as he let his eyes close when a small amount of cold gel was squirted onto his skin. He listened as the doctor explained what he was doing and what he saw on the screen. He didn't find anything worrisome with the kidney, although he did mention something about scar tissue and his ureter but the doctor wasn't overly concerned about anything.

"Ok, well, I'm gonna get some bloods taken, we can check your kidney function just in case but I'm fairly certain it's a bladder infection, we'll start you one some antibiotics and that should clear it up. To be honest you've done well to go this long after your transplant without getting a UTI. Don't think you need to worry at this stage, you have little pain and there are no abdominal signs. It's your bladder not your kidney, but you did the right thing by getting it checked out."

"Panic over then?" Severide asked as Casey took in all the doctor's words.

The man nodded as he went to the sink and washed his hands. "I'll write you a script for some meds and send a nurse in to take some bloods. You'll be able to call up for the results in twenty-four hours, we don't need to rush them through as I'm not worried." The doctor smiled reassuringly. "Any questions?"

"No, thanks," Casey answered, sitting on the side of the examination bed now, feeling more relaxed than he had done for the last few days.

* * *

Severide was quiet during their journey back home and it wasn't until they were back inside the apartment that Casey spoke. "Kelly, I'm sorry," he said softly.

Severide turned to him, still silent.

"I wasn't hiding it from you, not in a bad way," Casey continued on.

"Not in a bad way? How is hiding pain from me not..."

"I wasn't in much pain at all, nothing like before."

"And you said it had only been for a day," Severide shook his head sadly, causing Casey to sigh heavily, cursing himself inwardly.

"Sorry, just didn't want to worry you."

"I know, I know," Severide said, walking slowly up to Casey, standing in front of him for a while, just looking at him in wonder, thankful that the doctor hadn't found anything worse than a bladder infection. Slowly he wrapped his arms around his beautiful Casey and held him tightly against his own body. "This could have been so serious baby, but it's not. Everything is all right, you're fine, just fine."

Casey pulled back a little from the embrace so he could look into Severide's eyes. "I am fine," he half whispered, holding onto both Severide's hands.

"The doc said you've lost weight..."

"And it's obviously not much if you hadn't noticed 'cause you always see everything."

Severide nodded. "True, very true."

* * *

Casey's blood tests came back with nothing the doctor hadn't expected and the antibiotics had already got to work. Their panic really was over and Severide thought themselves lucky because there really could have been a lot of complications from the transplant. A few days had passed now and there was no more blood and no more pain but he would still need to finish the course of medication.

"Hey," Casey called over to Severide from where he was sitting at the dining table, peering over his laptop. "Wanna go abseiling?"

Severide had just emerged from the shower, dressed only in a towel wrapped around his waist, rivulets of water still trickling down his tan muscular torso and down his face as he walked towards Casey. "Abseiling? You're feeling adventurous?" Severide leaned down and gave Casey a soft kiss.

"No, just a little bored…"

"You're bored?"

"Well, I just wanna do something fun," he told him.

"Abseiling?" Severide was surprised by what Casey was telling him.

"You don't want to? Too much like work?" he asked, or maybe it would be too much for his body but he wasn't going to bring that up.

"You wanna do it cause it's like work?"

"I did like rope rescues…"

"Says the truck lieutenant…"

"Well, you guys didn't always turn up on time," Casey grinned, teasingly.

Severide's face faded and was replaced by a look of discomfort that didn't go unnoticed.

"What?" Casey asked him, stopping what he was doing.

"So, erm... anyhow, I found out yesterday that I might be going away for a while..." Severide went on, but didn't elaborate.

Casey looked surprised. "Away?" he quizzed.

"For work, some training…"

"Work? What is it?" Casey urged because Severide seemed a little reluctant to go on.

"A training conference in DC."

"Ok."

"Yeah, officers from all over the US will be going apparently," Severide told him.

Casey sat back in his chair, hands behind his head, absorbing Severide's words.

"Boden asked me to go, it's specialist terrorist training," he added quietly.

"Oh, right… you should do that," Casey's voice was tinged with sadness, something Severide picked up on right away.

"Yeah," he responded sadly.

"When is it?"

"First week of March," Severide answered.

"The whole week?"

"Yeah," he nodded. "Do you mind?"

Casey smiled widely, loving how Severide would always put him first. "I can look after myself. It's only a week, and you know what they say..."

Severide's expression turned quizzical. "What do they say?"

"Absence makes the heart grow fonder, Kelly."

Severide blushed from ear to ear, quickly changing the subject. "So, abseiling then?"

"If you don't wanna do it I don't…"

"How about I just take you to the academy one night? Get the equipment out and get you down the side of the building?"

"It would be fun," he smiled.

"I'll see if I can pull some strings."

"You do know people."

"I do," Severide grinned back at him.

* * *

Severide was lying on his side, face buried in his pillow, sleeping deeply on the memory foam mattress they had invested in to help Casey. Despite the fact that he was wearing only a pair of boxers, he had pushed off the bed cover onto Casey and now just lay under a sheet. Severide's body seemed to radiate heat, in complete contrast to Casey who even before he had developed poor circulation always seemed to suffer with the cold. He was snuggled up in heavy flannel pyjamas that Severide laughed made him look like a little old man, and one thick sports sock on his left foot. He had fallen asleep with his oxygen mask firmly in place and one of Severide's arms entwined in his.

Casey was no longer asleep though. He was lying on his back. He'd pulled the oxygen mask away even though he was frantically trying to take a breath. He was dying. At least that's what it felt like. His head was starting to spin as he instinctively reached out and tried to grab Severide and pull him from his sleep.

Severide's eyes flew open and he sat up immediately as he felt a hand grabbing his arm. "Matt…"

"My… chest…" Casey gasped, eyes wide with fear as he struggled to breathe

"Matt, baby… look at me…" he said as he tried to reach for his phone on the nightstand whilst Casey was still holding onto his arm. He dialled 911 and after the call was answered Severide jumped out of bed and went to the apartment door and unlocked it.

"Kel…"

Severide was right by his side again. "There's medics on the way, just hang on…"

Casey only responded with his eyes rolling back into his head, his weight falling onto Severide. Severide held the oxygen mask to his face and checked his pulse which was steadier now. Casey's hand had dropped back onto the bed by his side and to all intents and purposes he just seemed to be sleeping peacefully. He came around after one long minute with a pained look on his face.

He blinked up at Severide, trying to lift his hand to pull the mask off his face. "Kel…" he groaned out, "What…"

"Hey, baby… waiting for the paramedics. How's your chest?" Severide moved the mask away with one hand, whilst the other was clutching onto Casey's cold arm.

"Tired…" he responded wearily.

"Does it hurt?"

Casey just frowned. "Paramedics? No… no paramedics…" Casey's voice was little more than a whisper now.

"Need the equipment, my car isn't a fully stocked ambo, all right? Need to make sure you're ok…"

"I'm fine…"

"You weren't a moment ago. Sounded like you were dying so forgive…"

"What's wrong with me?" Casey's voice cracked with the fear that was overcoming him now. He certainly wasn't fine but Severide had to keep positive even though he was scared that Casey's health had deteriorated again, scared that this could be one of Casey's last moments with him.

"It's ok, you're gonna be fine…" he soothed, wrapping his arms around Casey's trembling body. "You're gonna be fine," he repeated.

"It hurt so much… I thought… I…"

"Shh… it's ok, it's ok…"

"Paramedics!" a male voice called loudly into the apartment.

When the paramedics entered the bedroom Severide moved away from Casey, explaining what had happened and trying to give them a quick overview of Casey's health. He held Casey's hand right up until the paramedics needed the space to continuing assessing him. As they worked Severide quickly pulled on the clothes he'd worn the day before and soon Casey was lying on the gurney and Severide was following him out of the building as they took him to the ambulance. They wanted to get Casey to the hospital as quickly as possible, chest pains were never taken lightly, especially with Casey's medical history.

Severide found himself outside the trauma room where Casey had been taken, pacing, sitting, pacing, sitting again. He'd not been allowed inside with Casey, having been told that they knew his medical history, knew the medications he was on because of the electronic chart they'd pulled up, stopping Severide from giving them even more details than he'd given the paramedics. Severide knew Casey's medications, past and present, and his medical history, even better than Casey himself. As they had wheeled Casey away from Severide when they'd first arrived, he had offered a small smile, hoping to calm Severide's nerves and fears, to reassure him that he would be fine, but so far it had had no effect.

He stopped pacing when the ER doctor walked out of the room, closing the door behind him.

"How is he?"

"We've done some tests, so far it doesn't look like there was any cardiac event but we're still in the process of ruling things out, just waiting for the bloods to come back and I'm going to do an ultrasound…"

"Can I be with him?," Severide asked the man.

"I don't see why not, but you will need to keep out of the way."

"Thanks," Severide responded sincerely before heading into the room.

Casey's pyjama top had been removed and eight electrodes were stuck to his bare chest. There was an IV cannula in his hand still, just in case they needed access, and a nasal cannula for oxygen was in place. Other than being attached to the monitoring equipment he didn't look too bad with everything considered, his colour was pretty good for him, although he always tended to look pale anyway.

"I feel fine now…" Casey started to speak in a gritty voice.

"Good," Severide nodded, sitting down and taking Casey's hand, "But let's let the doctors be the judge of that, ok?"

"Yeah, sorry…" he muttered.

Severide frowned a little, but quickly rearranged his face into a smile. "S'all right. You in any pain?"

"No," he shook his head, he was in no pain compared to anything he usually felt. "I really am ok now."

"The doctor said he needs to wait for bloods and he wants…"

"He told me," Casey responded.

"Good." Severide reached up and pushed away a strand of Casey's blond hair that had fallen across his eyes, brushing it back gently over his head. "Get the results, have the scan and if everything's fine then you'll be able to get out of here and we won't need to worry about anything."

"Sorry… I've made you worry… I shouldn't have woken…"

"Matt, shut up," Severide said, leaning over and kissing Casey softly on the temple.

The doctor was soon back in the room and Casey's chest ultrasound was done. A nurse arrived and handed the blood test results to the ER doctor. He studied them, reading for a few moments before he spoke to Casey and Severide.

"Ok," the doctor began, putting down the electronic chart, "Everything looks all right, not perfect but…"

"But everything wasn't perfect before," Casey finished.

"That's one way of explaining it," the doctor responded. "From all the tests we've done it doesn't look like you had a cardiac event, there's no evidence that anything like a heart attack happened, no blood clots, nothing. To all intents and purposes, you're reasonably healthy…"

"He thought he was dying?" Severide spoke up, half-questioningly. "And so did I…"

Casey had looked away, eyes closed, as if he could sense what the doctor was about to tell them both.

"It looks like it was an anxiety attack. And sometimes that's what it feels like. Now, Matt, I don't want you to feel guilty for coming in because of that, it could have been something, this diagnosis, well, it's one of exclusion, and I'm glad to have been able to make it. And if you ever feel like it again you need to do exactly what you've done tonight, you need to call 911 and get here just in case because of your medical history, all right?"

"Sure." Casey gave a tiny nod.

"Now, if this is something you're having regular trouble with we can prescribe some…"

"I don't want any more meds," Casey responded.

"Or I could suggest that you…"

"I've done the whole talking to a shrink thing. Can we get out of here?"

The doctor nodded. "The nurse will be back and once she's done you're free to go."

"Thank you."

* * *

When they finally arrived home in the early hours of the morning they both went straight back to bed but neither could relax enough to be able to sleep. Casey hated the quiet, he never usually did but tonight it was unbearable. He turned to Severide who was lying by his side, eyes closed but wide awake, thoughts whirling in his head.

"You know after everything that's happened, everything my body has been through... I never thought I was dying. Ever. But now..." he fell silent for a short while. "When we die..."

"Matt..." Severide began to protest. The thought of Casey dying was more than he could bear, and there had been way too many close calls in the past, both on the job and off.

"When we die do you think that's it? It's just over? We disappear... like we're asleep... we don't know we even exist… existed…"

"I don't think it's just over," Severide answered thoughtfully, with care.

"Do you believe in God?" he asked quietly.

"I believe… I like to think that we're not alone."

"I believe in God, at least, I think I do... but when I thought I was dying I... I was scared that I was going to be alone."

Severide was almost shocked at Casey's words. He knew that he'd had a somewhat religious upbringing in the Catholic church when he was younger, but he had no idea about his fears about what would happen when he died.

"You weren't really dying Matt, even though it felt like it, and..." It was Severide's turn to fall silent. He wasn't going to bring up Casey's apparent near-death experience, not now. "And you're never going to be alone. Never."

Casey was completely immersed in the thoughts inside his mind. He had heard Severide speaking but hadn't absorbed their meaning. "I'm not sure if…" he sighed.

"Go on, baby."

"I just hope that this isn't it, that there isn't anything after this, but I'm not sure there is. I was raised to believe there was something and I think there is but I don't know. I'm worried that I've done some terrible things that no amount of Hail Marys will absolve. I've done things that I can't be forgiven for, and if there is something, any sort of heaven, then I won't end up there."

Severide was shocked by Casey's revelations. He had never spoken much about the religion from his early childhood but today's events seemed to have released something in him and he was no longer keeping his thoughts from Severide.

Severide sat himself up and moved over, placing a hand gently on Casey's jaw, stroking his thumb across his unshaven cheek. "Matt, baby, don't ever, ever think that, you are a good person, don't ever think otherwise don't you dare. And there's no way you're going anywhere but heaven if you… if you have to go…" Severide swallowed the lump in his throat and blinked away a tear.

"But… but I love you…"

"Love is love, gender doesn't matter. Love is love." Severide smiled, stroking Casey's face tenderly, planting soft kisses on his lips.

"What if it does matter? What if my…"

"What if you dad was right?"

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry…"

"No. I'm sorry. I'm sorry that your family hurt you so much, I'm sorry I wasn't there for you back then and I'm sorry that I was a jerk when we first met…"

"You weren't. You never were. Not really."

"C'mere…" Severide carefully pulled him into a hug, snaking both arms around him, holding him against the contours of his own body.

Casey settled into the warm safety of Severide's embrace, letting himself relax into his arms. "I thought about you," he spoke quietly, "Thought about how much I love you and I was terrified of leaving you."

Severide touched his lips to Casey's hair in a loving kiss. Sometimes there were no words that would help Casey but there were things he could do instead. Things that would make Casey realise he was no longer alone and wouldn't have to face his life, or death, on his own.

"Matt?" he questioned softly after a while, wondering if he'd fallen asleep in his arms.

"Hmm?"

"Please don't… please don't shut down on me because of tonight. I realise it was terrifying and I know you and I know you feel guilty about…"

"It's fine, I'll be fine, we'll go to sleep, wake up and it'll be like nothing happened…"

"I don't want that either, I just, please don't let this… don't let this get you down, everything's been going so well recently. And I'm not saying this because…"

"Because I do let stuff like this get to me?"

"I just… I want you to be happy, and I don't think you should let this make you unhappy."

"It… I'll try."

Severide placed another small kiss on Casey's temple. "I know."

* * *

Casey was awake before Severide the next day, as usual his alarm had woken him for his medications but then he couldn't fall back to sleep, even though he'd only slept for a couple of hours. When Severide finally woke up he went through into the lounge area and found Casey sitting on the couch. They had their breakfast together, although Casey only nibbled at the toast, before Severide got on with changing the bedsheets and sorting out washing. Casey always tried to do his share of chores. In truth he probably did more than Severide but on days like today, after the experience last night, Severide liked to do his bit to help out even if Casey protested.

Severide was heading back over to where Casey was sitting when he knocked over a huge overflow pile of Casey's books that stood by one of the shelving units. They slid across the laminate flooring. "Sorry," he apologised to Casey as he looked up to see what had happened.

"It's fine," Casey responded, "I shouldn't have left them all like that…"

"Was too busy looking at you and not where I put my big feet," Severide smiled. "I'll fill a box to go upstairs?"

"Yeah, good idea," he agreed. "Your place used to look so... so spacious," he commented, looking around the apartment as Severide began to pick up the fallen books. The place seemed so much smaller than it used to, just Casey's wheelchair and walker took up most of one corner.

"It didn't look lived in," Severide responded as he got up from the floor to go and find a box.

"Definitely does now."

"Yeah, I like it, it's good… although the contract is up for renewal in a couple of months," Severide explained.

"It is?" Casey questioned. The topic had never cropped up in conversation before and Severide was still refusing to take any rent from Casey, even though he had tried to insist, and had managed to force Severide to allow him to pay his share of the rest of the bills.

"Well, every year it is," Severide replied.

"Oh, ok."

"I just was wondering... maybe I shouldn't renew it for another year, maybe three, six months or something?" Severide suggested.

He frowned. "Do you mean..."

"We're not doing too badly financially at the moment, things seem to have stabilised and... well, you're a house sort of guy," Severide smiled at him.

"A house sort of guy?" he echoed.

"Well, you loved your old place," he replied, sitting down now.

"I did, but it wasn't practical."

"No, but we could buy a place that is," Severide told him.

"You wanna buy house?" he was grinning now.

"Yeah, our own house for our own family and all your books."

The two of them looked at each other, both of them smiling affectionately at the other. Casey leaned in to Severide's side. "It sounds like a dream."

"Listen, Matt," Severide began after some time, "Are you sure you're all right with me going to DC in a couple of days? After last night…"

"You're not allowed to use me as an excuse to get out of work Kelly Severide," Casey teased.


	51. Pornos and Whiskers

Casey sleeps a lot. In a typical day he will wake up when Severide does, or when his alarm goes off for his morning medications. He'll sort the cats out and then have breakfast. Most the time he will then go for a walk, or swimming, or use the weights in their apartment. And then he'll sleep, he'll try not to but if he doesn't take himself back to bed he'll doze off on the couch for a few hours before he has a small lunch, but sometimes he'll just sleep through lunch.  
 **  
**It was a few days before Severide was due to go away for the training conference in Washington DC. Casey was asleep on the couch, covered head to toe in a blanket Severide had thrown over him, taking the time to tuck him in as well. He woke and pulled it down when the game Severide had been watching on the TV ended.

"Who won?" Casey said, his voice a little hoarse from sleep.

"Blackhawks," Severide answered.

"We should go to another home game when you get back."

"Yeah, that would be good," he responded. "So, I called the hotel, Matt, and well, we can share a room, it's a double anyway so it's fine, top floor apparently but there's an elevator and..."

"What do you mean?" Casey asked, sitting up straight on the couch now.

Severide was smiling eagerly. "You can come and stay with me, keep me company."

He looked doubtful. "And are the other officers going to be taking their partners along with them? I don't think so..."

"Just thought it might actually be a good idea, I mean the timing of the... your..."

"My panic attack," Casey finished simply.

"Yeah..."

"Look, I have my own work I need to get done next week, and... and I'm not dependent on you? Am I? I mean..." Casey fell silent, thinking. It had been a week since he'd ended up in the ER having thought there was something terribly wrong with his heart. In the time since he had given it a lot of thought, he had overthought about it because that's what Mathew Casey does, he overthinks about everything. The night he'd woken up with chest pains, hyperventilating, he'd fallen asleep thinking about how Severide would be going away for a whole week. A whole seven days. And he hated it. He hated it because what if that was the reason for his panic? He couldn't recall having any sort of nightmare. He couldn't recall anything much before grabbing Severide's arm. He'd grabbed Severide's arm because he'd needed him, because he knew he couldn't do anything else except reach out to him for help.

"Matt, talk it out..."

"I can't come with you, and I'll be fine on my own."

"Yeah, you'll be fine," Severide smiled. "I'll miss you though."

"I'll miss you too but I'm sure you'll call me every chance you get."

"Damn right I will."

* * *

Severide had only been away for eighteen hours when he received a distressed phone call from Casey, explaining that he had taken Pumpkin to their vet in an emergency. After eating his breakfast, he had washed up the dishes by hand before sitting on the couch, Pumpkin had been lying next to him when she started seizing. Casey had taken her to the vet immediately. He could tell Severide nothing more because at the time he didn't know anything, the vet wanted to keep her in for observation and he would received a phone call when he could come and take her home.

When Casey was able to take Pumpkin home the next day, she'd not had another seizure and the vet found nothing suspicious in her bloodwork, he made sure he was by her side all the time, she seemed her usual clumsy self but Casey did worry that something had gone wrong, she did seem to be sleeping more than usual and he did struggle to get her to eat her food.

He postponed his bi-weekly physiotherapy session with Ty, he felt like they weren't needed anymore but he kept at it, knowing Severide wanted to see him succeed with the running endeavour but Casey wasn't convinced that was his goal now. So he had nothing to work towards now that he'd regained his confidence walking without aids, and no physical therapy was going to help his heart recover so it wasn't going to ever stop him from needing his wheelchair or crutches again.

Casey ended up calling his doctor on the third day Severide was away, worried he had another UTI but there was no blood or pain when he urinated this time around, there just seemed to be less fluid, so the doctor wasn't overly concerned yet, Casey would just keep an eye on the situation. Before, talking about such matters wouldn't have been easy for him but now, after everything he had been through, he had little shame.

Shay came by one afternoon with a bag of fresh groceries. She started putting them away once Casey had let her into the apartment.

"So, Kelly has you checking up on me? I have been calling him twice a day…" Casey smiled, leaning on his crutches as he passed Shay some of the items she had bought.

"Yup, I'm under strict orders…"

"To bring food? I can shop," he grinned at her.

"Just like to make things easier, and he said you want to keep an eye on Pumpkin, how is she?"

He shrugged. "I don't know, she seems all right, but I don't know... Do you wanna drink?"

"I'll sort one out myself, do you want one?"

He shook his head. "I'm fine."

"So, you're good? You don't need anything? A ride anywhere or…"

"I can drive, I'm fine… I am missing Kelly," he admitted.

Shay smiled at that. "Of course you are."

"Yeah…" he responded quietly, Shay knew there was something on his mind but she didn't pry, it wouldn't do any good. "Wanna watch a game?"

"Erm…" she grinned.

"Well, just choose whatever you wanna watch, unless you have to go?"

"Not going now I've made myself coffee," she said, holding up the freshly brewed mug.

As Casey was sitting on the couch with Shay his thoughts weren't on the TV show she had chosen. He wasn't paying any attention to the TV screen at all. His thoughts were on Severide, and how he could feel himself struggling mentally without the man's presence. Since his second night alone, Casey had worried about how reliant he had become on Severide, how his mood and emotions were so dependent on the person he loved so much.

Was there something wrong with being depending on the man he loved? He didn't think there was but dependency wasn't something Casey was used to. He had learned from a young age to be self-sufficient, but now he wasn't sure that he would ever be happy with that level of independence again, and he worried that it made him a weak person, and that people would perceive him as such. He knew he wasn't really weak though, even if it felt like he was at times, he knew deep down that he wasn't. Severide had drilled that into him and so had his care team. He wasn't weak, and there was nothing wrong with being dependent on someone he truly loved and who reciprocated that love completely.

"You all right?" he heard a soft female voice break into his thoughts and he turned towards Shay, smiling at her.

"Yeah, I am," he said, answering honestly.

* * *

The next morning Casey went to the local swimming pool for a short session, not wanting to leave Pumpkin alone for too long, when he returned home he gave the apartment a tidy before sitting down on the couch. He had his laptop on his lap, scrolling through website after website of house advertisements and realtor details whilst stroking Pumpkin with his free hand, making her purr with pleasure.

He looked to her and spoke with a sigh, "I don't know what I'm looking for… we need Kelly, don't we?" He smiled and logged off his laptop, closing it and leaning over to put it onto the coffee table. He sank back onto the couch cushions, closing his eyes for a moment. He was suddenly aware of odd movements next to him and he realised Pumpkin's body was convulsing wildly next to him. And this time she didn't stop. Before her seizure had only lasted around a minute but this time it wasn't stopping.

By the time he had managed to get her to the vet her seizure had stopped and she was exhausted by it. As he sat in the waiting room, Casey was annoyed at himself for not being able to get her there faster, it felt like it had taken him an age to get his prosthetic on and then get her out of the apartment and into his truck.

After some time the vet stepped out of his room. "Matt, you can come in."

Casey had been the only person in the waiting area. He got to his feet and went into the vet's room. Pumpkin was lying on the table, seemingly asleep, and Casey was grateful to see her little chest rising and falling gently.

"She's stop seizing and there doesn't seem to be any permanent damage."

"What happens now?" Casey asked, worried what he would be told.

* * *

Casey woke up in the empty bed the next morning, one arm scrambling out from under the covers to hit the alarm button, turning off the resounding and annoying noise. He lay there for a moment, adjusting to consciousness before he rolled over face down into Severide's pillow, inhaling his unique, familiar, and calming scent. As he turned his body over, he felt a pain in his side, making him wince. He waited for it to pass before he sat up to take his medications and then called Severide. They chatted for a short while and Severide updated him on how the training conference was going, but Casey couldn't really concentrate on anything but what he was having to tell Severide.

"Kelly…" he finally interrupted.

 _"What's wrong?"_ Severide knew by the tone of his voice that something was bothering him.

"I'm really sorry but Pumpkin had another seizure yesterday, looks like she has epilepsy, which makes sense given her history apparently," he said softly.

 _"Is she ok?"_ Severide asked after a moment.

"Sort of, she's back home," he replied.

_"What happened?"_

"She had another seizure, then when I got her to the vet she had more, it took a while for him to stop them but he managed it, she's got to take meds now, for the rest of her life…"

 _"Ok. Are you all right?"_ Severide asked again.

"I am sorry I didn't tell you yesterday, I wanted to make sure she was gonna be all right and it got really late…"

 _"Matt, it's fine, sounds like she's gonna be ok,"_ Severide responded, his words reassuring both Casey and himself.

"Had to bribe her to take the pill last night…" Casey smiled a little at the memory of it.

_"Well, we can just disguise them as treats, can't we? She'll never realise."_

"I thought… I thought she was going to die…"

 _"She didn't, and she's gonna be ok, you two can both take your pills at the same time_ ," he teased.

"Oh, do I get a treat with mine too then?" Casey smiled down the phone as his mood lifted a little. He heard voices in the background, sounding as if they were laughing and joking.

_"Right, I've got to go, baby, sorry, call me later, yeah?"  
_

"Yeah."

_"I love you."_

* * *

The stabbing pain that Casey had felt first thing had morphed into a constantly increasing nagging pain throughout the day, reaching a level that made him finally call his doctor who told him he should come into the hospital right away.

Casey knew he couldn't risk driving in his current state and he didn't think his need was serious enough to waste the paramedics' time so in the end he called Shay. Thankfully she picked up right away and came over the minute he had told her what was wrong. She knew Casey well and knew how serious it must be for him to be asking for her help so she headed straight to the apartment and right on up to the thirty-first floor where she used her own set of keys to let herself in.

"I'm sorry…" Casey began through gritted teeth, one arm folded around his right side, when Shay stepped into his bedroom.

"It's all right, Matt, I'm glad you called me. Don't move, all right? I'll fetch your chair, ok? Let's get you to the hospital."

Casey's doctor had alerted the ER team that he was on his way and by the time Shay pulled up outside the doors the team were ready for him. Casey's pain had escalated to an almost unbearable level. He could hardly move and was barely aware of being helped out of the passenger seat and lifted onto a gurney. Lying flat made the pain worse and he tried to roll onto his side so he could curl up, but there were hands all over him. He started to feel claustrophobic and too crowded with so many people around him. He tried to swat away hands that were trying to help him as they moved him through into the ER. His eyes were stinging and watering as he looked round for a face he knew.

After a few moments he thought he could hear Shay's voice but he wasn't able to make out what she was saying.

"Please…" he groaned out. He just wanted it all to stop. The people. The pain. The noise.

"Matt, can you hear me?"

Casey could finally make out a man's voice, the tone suggesting that he'd been trying to get Casey's attention for some time.

"When did you last urinate?"

He had no sense of time now, he just shook his head in response.

"Matt, this is important. Have you…"

"Doctor…" another voice interrupted the man speaking to Casey.

"I see it… ok, let's get a foley cath in, hopefully that will relieve some of his pain…"

The doctor got the foley in but it didn't make any difference to the pain that was making him moan unconsciously now. Shay had been standing at the side of the trauma room but she'd politely turned her back and stepped out whilst the doctor had got to work, she wanted to save Casey that dignity at least. But she could hear what was happening and was only becoming more concerned for Casey's wellbeing. He was still in pain and the easiest solution to the problem had not worked and she knew that meant his kidney was now under threat. Hydronephrosis. Casey's kidney was swollen. They needed to drain it.

Shay remained with her back to Casey until he heard her name called out. With the doctors permission she went over and took Casey's hand. Leaning down to listen to what he had to say. "Please… please don't call Kel…"

"Matt…"

"Please?" he insisted.

Shay sighed but agreed to what Casey wanted.

"Matt, we need to stop the pain you're in, but that means we need to put a tube into your kidney, the radiologist can do that down here and…" the doctor was saying but Casey was shaking his head.

"Matt..." Shay started, grasping his hand again, speaking to him directly, "You gotta let them do this, then you'll feel better, all right? They need to do this to help you." She stood back from him and turned to the doctor. "Can you give him something? His tolerance for morphine is high but it does…"

The doctor considered her words, knowing her as he did, as a paramedic and he also knew she understood Casey's medical history far better than he did from his quick scan of the chart. "Right, let's give him a shot of ketamine, page radiology and get me a nephrostomy kit."

"Matt," Shay said, leaning closely over him, "This shot is probably gonna make you feel really weird but it's quick and it won't last too long, it'll get rid of the pain, ok? I'm gonna wait outside, all right?"

"No… stay," Casey responded, opening his eyes. "I can't… I can't think, I need…"

"Ok, I'll stay," she told him, seeing his features relax a little as he closed his eyes once more. The doctor injected a small dose of ketamine into Casey's IV line so she knew it wouldn't be long until his pain began to subside. She found it almost unbearable to see him like this, it brought back too many memories of the ambulance journey that had happened more than three years ago.

"How's the pain, Matt?" the doctor asked after a short time.

Casey's eyes opened and he looked up at the man, frowning slightly as he tried to remember where he was and what was going on. "Good… good… this is good… what is this?" The ketamine was working now and he felt as if he was floating, a strange sense of painless sleepy euphoria washing over him.

"Ketamine, you might feel a bit spacey… tell me if the pain comes back, we can give you some more, all right, Matt?"

"You're hot… are all doctors this hot? Wait… I should know…" Casey said, his words a little slurred as if drunk.

"Well, the pain the ketamine is definitely working," the doctor commented. He started to prepare Casey for the nephrostomy as they waited for the radiologist to come down and do the procedure.

Casey began to chuckle at the tube the doctor was holding. "That better not go up my ass…"

He squirmed, ticklish, as he was prepared for the quick procedure. His shirt was cut away as the radiologist arrived. Then they turned over onto his front and covered his legs with a sheet and blanket.

Casey's chuckles turned into a frown. "Is this a porno? Are we filming a porno? Where's the camera? You gotta check with Kelly… I'm a one man… a one man man…"

"You're in the hospital, Matt," the nurse reminded him as she cleansed a small area on his lower back so the radiologist could inject the local anaesthesia.

"No…" Casey mumbled, "He said he didn't want a threesome… one-legged man was enough of a kink for him…"

Shay couldn't help but smile at him, pleased that he was free from pain now, and didn't he even feel anything as the doctor inserted the nephrostomy tube. She doubted he would even remember any of this and she wouldn't tell a soul. He trusted her to stay with him and that said so much about their friendship, he trusted her to make decisions on his behalf if he couldn't.

Forty minutes later the tube inserted and taped into place on Casey's back, and there was a steady trickle of fluid into the bag, Casey was lethargic and heavy limbed, eyes half closed. The euphoric effects of the ketamine had worn off despite being given another shot during the procedure. He was given some more pain relief before he was turned onto his back again, propped up on foam blocks so he didn't lie on the fresh nephrostomy tube sight.

The doctor, who had now morphed into a cat, was telling him that they needed to take him up for an MRI scan but Casey didn't acknowledge him. All he could see was a man with a cat-like face with huge whiskers and he couldn't understand what he was saying. If he'd understood what the man with whiskers was saying to him he would have panicked because he'd never had a good experience with the MRI scanner.

* * *

The MRI was a disaster of massive proportions in Casey's mind. Shay was allowed back to see him when he returned to the ER, he was sitting propped up on the bed, now wearing a hospital gown and covered up to his waist with a sheet and blanket. She almost paused before reaching him. He was scratching at the tape that held the IV cannula in place on the back of his hand, his body was trembling as he screwed his eyes shut on and off, shaking his head as if he was trying to rid his vision of something only he could see. Shay tried to ignore Casey's signs of distress for now and put a smile on her face for his benefit.

"How are you doing? How's the pain?"

"I'm fine now," he responded, not looking her in the eyes. His response was truthful, now the fluid was drained he was in way less pain than he had been when they had arrived at the ER, but the MRI scan had caused him almost as much distress as the pain had.

"Good," she smiled softly, pulling a stool over so she could sit by him.

"What happened?" he asked, frowning. "I had an MRI? Why did I need a scan?"

"Your kidney was swollen, there's a tube in it now to stop it happening again," she explained simply.

"Don't really remember…"

"That's fine, they gave you some painkillers that can make you forget," she told him simply. "We're waiting for the MRI results now."

"You don't need to stay, thank you for getting me here…"

"I'll wait. It sounds as though they'll be admitting you," she told him.

"They will?"

She nodded.

"I…" he started to say something to her but stopped himself, not wanting to appear childish to her by saying that he didn't want to be here.

"Can I stay? At least until you know what will be happening next, yeah?" Shay asked.

He nodded reluctantly.

Shay relaxed into the chair as much as she could. She was watching Casey's hand, still scratching at the tape, his body was still trembling. "Matt, you're shaking?"

He looked away, muttering an apology.

"What can I do to help? What does Kelly do?"

"It's ok, I'm fine now. I'm just… I'm not good with small spaces."

"You woke up in the scanner?"

He nodded.

"Ok. Well you're all right now, you got through it and…" she trailed off, watching as Casey's eyes closed. "Look at me, Matt. Tell me where you are."

After a while Casey opened his eyes. "I'm in the hospital… the hospital… I'm in the hospital..."

Shay just sat quietly and watched Casey as he repeated the words in a soft voice, it almost like some kind of private mantra that Shay felt she shouldn't be intruding on. She really wanted to call Severide and let him know what was happening to Casey but she couldn't bear to break his trust in her. She would have to rely on Casey calling him eventually. She thought he probably wanted to wait and see what was happening before he did, but then again, she wasn't convinced that Casey was capable of thinking like that right now. It was a difficult, even tragic sight to see, having known Casey before the injuries inflicted on him by the bombing.

When Casey fell silent, his body calmer and no longer visibly trembling, Shay broke the silence. "Do you want anything? Some water? I can ask if you're allowed…"

"No, thanks. You really shouldn't stay…"

"Matt, I want to, ok? Just for a little while at least."

Casey just nodded and Shay gave his arm a quick comforting squeeze.


	52. VIP

Casey was lying back on the hospital bed when the ER doctor arrived back to him. Shay was still sitting by his side. "Casey…" she spoke.

He opened his eyes, looking wearily at Shay before following her line of sight and noticing the doctor. "Hi, Matt, how are you feeling now? Better still?" the man asked him.

"Everything feels normal," Casey responded after a moment.

"So your pain level is…" the doctor prompted.

"Just the usual," he finished, sitting up a little more in the bed.

"What is that?"

"Erm…" he was shaking his head, shrugging, "One."

"One but you are in some pain?"

"Look, just… what did the MRI show? Can I go home?" he asked, annoyance getting the better of him.

"I'm afraid not. The nephrologist looked over your scans, you need surgery. Someone will talk through your options with you, but the very least they need to is to put in a stent to widen the ureter where there's some scarring from your transplant."

Casey studied the intricate details of the IV cannula placed on the back of left hand and when he stayed quiet Shay spoke up for him. "What happens now? He needs to be admitted?"

The doctor nodded in response. "Yeah, someone will come down to take you up to the ward, hopefully they'll be able to do the surgery within a couple of days, depending on any emergency cases. Do you have any questions, Matt?"

Casey shook his head wearily in response.

"Ok, well, I'll leave you to it, shouldn't be too long until you get a room," the doctor told him.

"Thanks," Shay responded for him. She sat back down when the man left.

After a moment Casey frowned in thought. "Did I bring my phone?" he asked quietly.

"I think so," she replied, grabbing the clear bag from under the bed where Casey's clothes and items he'd had on him were stored. She dug out his cell phone and handed it over to him, smiling, hoping he was going to call Severide and let him know what was going on. He deserved to know.

"I'll leave you as well?" she half suggested. "I'll check on the cats and come back…"

"Sorry for disrupting you afternoon… and evening," Casey said softly, turning the phone over and over in his hands.

"If I didn't want to help then I wouldn't be here," she responded.

Casey smiled a little. Typical of Shay, honest to a fault.

"Drop me a text with your room number and I'll…"

"It's ok, you don't need to come back," he said, still turning the phone in his hands.

She smiled at him, she knew she wouldn't be able to change his mind, and she also knew that she would be returning in a few hours to make sure he was settled, and to bring him a few things from home. "I'll be back later," she told him, going to his side and leaning over to give him a kiss on the cheek. She stroked his shoulder and smiled.

He watched her as she left the ER. When Shay disappeared from view Casey lay his head back down, closing his eyes and trying to drown out all the noise around him. He was no longer suffering with the agonising pain but now the local anaesthetic had worn off his lower back hurt. His heart sank at the thought of yet more surgery. He couldn't recall much of what had happened since Shay had brought him to the hospital, and things were still a bit of a blur for him. With his eyes closed he was still turning his phone over and over in his hands. He didn't want another hospital stay and he didn't want to worry Severide by calling him and telling him the situation, but he knew he needed to tell him.

He must have drifted off to sleep because the next thing he knew he was being woken by a gentle voice speaking his name. He forced his eyes open to see his nephrologist.

"Hi, Matt," the man spoke. "Thought I'd pop by and see you before I headed home. I looked over your scans."

"Surgery," Casey said simply.

"Yeah, I'm afraid so."

"ER doctor said there are options," Casey said.

"There are a couple. I'll go over you with them now, yeah?"

"Sure… but I don't want to stop you getting home."

"You're not, Matt. It'll only take a couple of minutes anyway, ok?" The doctor sat down on the stool next to Casey's bed and smiled kindly at him, a sentiment that Casey readily returned. "So, I just wanted to put you fully in the picture about things, all right?"

Casey nodded in response.

"There are two options, both of them are relatively noninvasive, and we don't have to use general anaesthesia, we'll use an epidural, less stress on your heart then. Option one; we simply place a ureteric stent to relieve the stricture, but this is temporary, we'd have to replace it in four months' time. Option two; we can remove the scarred tissue laparoscopically, we'd still need to place a stent whilst it healed, but it wouldn't need to be replaced once it was removed."

Casey didn't need to think his choice through. "It's got to be permanent. I can't keep ending up in here. I can't."

"Ok. I'll do my best to get you scheduled in for tomorrow and I'll get the surgeon and anaesthesiologist to pop by to go over everything with you."

"Thank you," Casey said to him quietly.

The man just nodded and smiled kindly as he stood up to leave. The ER had quietened down a little but he still felt uncomfortably exposed lying on the hospital bed, only cordoned off by everyone by some flimsy blue privacy curtains on either side. There was a lot going on ahead of where he was lying. Doctors, nurses and staff treating other patients; stitching wounds, icing and wrapping sprains, making notes, asking questions. Casey watched as an unconscious woman was wheeled out of the trauma bay he'd been taken to when he'd arrived, not that he could remember much of that. He could see her family trying to follow her, tears in the man's eyes, confusion and worry on the children's faces. His vision remained on the man's eyes until he left his view.

At least that was one good thing about him, there was only one person to worry about him. But that was the person he loved most in the world. He had been turning his phone over and over in his hands again since the doctor had left, silently struggling with his dilemma. Finally, Casey stopped and opened up his recent contacts, calling the second to last one.

It only rang twice before it was answered. _"Hey, baby…"_ came Severide's usual greeting whenever he heard Casey's unique ringtone.

Casey smiled as he heard Severide's voice. "Hey."  
__  
"How's Pumpkin doing?"  
  
"She's… she's fine, I think."

 _"You think? What…"_ Severide started to ask.

"Kel, I don't want you to worry but…"

 _"But what?"_ Severide responded quickly, already worried.

"No, I mean it, I don't want you to worry, ok?"

 _"I will try not to then,"_ Severide replied, each word accentuated.

"I'm in the hospital, I'm being admitted, I have to have a minor surgery, it's not invasive so you really don't need to…"

_"What? Why? What's happened?"_

He scoffed. "Can't piss."

 _"What do you mean? What's wrong?"_  
  
"I've been here since early afternoon," he told him honestly. "I'm not in pain or anything, I'm all right…"

 _"Early afternoon? You should have told me, I could have got a flight back, now I bet there's not one until the morning. Matt, what happened?"_  
  
"Look, it's gonna be fine. You don't need to panic or anything, or rush back here, don't get a flight back, you need to finish the…"

_"You need surgery. I'm not letting you go through that on your own."_

"Shay's here," Casey told him, still trying to allay his fears and stop him leaving the training conference to come back to Chicago.

_"She is?"_

"Well, not right now but she's coming back. She got me here earlier. I think I told her not to tell, I don't really remember."

_"You don't remember?"_

"They gave me some amazing painkillers apparently." Casey smiled tiredly down the phone, trying to lighten the tone of the conversation.

_"Yeah?"_

"Uh huh. Ketamine," he told him.

_"Isn't that a horse tranquiliser?"_

"It's a Matt tranquiliser too apparently," he chuckled.

 _"You're really ok?"_ Severide began, _"What is the surgery and what…"_

"I'm… honestly, I'm exhausted but I'm all right, really. Can I… can I call you later? Or maybe Shay can explain? I'm sorry, I do know, I just… I'm tired now, and my head's still a bit… dunno…"

_"I love you and I'll see you soon, all right?"_

"Uh huh… love you…" Casey ended the call and let his phone slide onto the bed. He closed his eyes and took a long breath.  
  


* * *

 

Casey regretted not accepting more pain relief before he was moved to his own private room. The discomfort he had felt previously had escalated to the point where he was gritting his teeth and grimacing in his fight against it. Eventually he had to press his call button but if he had given it any thought he would have realised how far he had come since the days when his addiction to painkillers had made him beg for them and even once caused him to hit Severide for holding them back from him.

A short while after he'd been in the private room he called Severide back, giving him more of the information he wanted and answering his questions as best as he could. He was still tired and now in pain again, and Severide could tell so he made Casey promise to ask for some pain relief as soon as they said their goodbyes.

When Shay got back to the hospital she found Casey's room easily and slipped quietly inside. Official visiting hours were over already but since she was well known to the staff they offered her a bit of leeway. Casey was also well known around the hospital so they often turned a blind eye to the goings on with his 51 family and friends. She found Casey asleep, a bright yellow fall risk band had been placed on his wrist above his patient ID. He had a nasal canula and was lying under a heap of blankets, she also noted the IV line that had been tape to the back of his hand was now wrapped with a bandage, presumably Casey hadn't stopped unconsciously scratching at the tape. He looked peaceful though. When she'd arrived on Casey's floor she had spoken to the nurse in charge of the ward, Casey had recently been given some more painkillers so he was likely to remain asleep.

Shay pulled some of the items she'd fetched for Casey out of the bag, some toiletries, his headphones and one of the pillows from his own bed. Once she had got Casey's things sorted out she sat herself down and sent a quick response to a message from Severide. Almost an hour went by and Casey hadn't moved or made a sound. Shay had just decided maybe it was time to leave because it was unlikely he would wake anytime soon when she saw Casey stir slightly and heard him say something.

"Kel..." he murmured.

"He's in DC," she told him softly, watching him as his eyes opened a little and he blinked, trying to clear his vision, frowning as he slowly realised where he was.

"Why am I in the hospital this time?" he asked, his voice gritty, peering around himself. There was a horrible, familiar sensation in his groin, making him groan. "And why am I pissing into a bag?"

"Don't you remember, Matt?" Shay responded, worried that he seemed to be suffering with memory issues.

"Give me a minute..." Casey muttered. He closed his eyes, trying to concentrate, opening them again after a few moments. "More surgery?" he half questioned, as the recent events that led him to this moment began to filter into his mind.

Shay nodded.

"I…" Casey faltered. He didn't want to be in the hospital and he didn't want to have any more surgery, he thought he was done with all of that.

Sensing his thoughts, Shay went on, "You need the surgery. It's not invasive and they won't be using general anaesthesia."

"When?"

"I think they're hoping to do it tomorrow, the surgeon and anaesthetist are going to see you during rounds tomorrow," she told him. "I spoke to the nurse," she added upon seeing his expression."

He nodded slowly before asking, "What's the time?"

"Not long after 9pm," she answered. "You should eat something, you can't have anything after midnight with the chance you may have surgery tomorrow."

"Even with just the epidural?"

"I'll check, but I don't think so… besides, you should have something for dinner anyway. I'll get you anything you want?"

"Could I get a steak then?" he teased with a tiny lopsided smile.

"No way, think Kelly would kill me if I did that," she laughed, "Try again."

"Not really hungry," he said, shaking his head.

"I know," she responded sympathetically.

After a moment Casey looked at her, smiling ever so slightly. "If I have to have something then just some fruit maybe…"

"How about fruit and some soya yoghurt?"

Casey didn't object.

"All right, I'll head down to the cafeteria, you need anything else? I brought toiletries and clothes, put one of Kelly's hoodies in the bag too, swear I see you in his clothes more than your own…"

Her words made Casey smile a little. "Thanks… hey, have you been rifling through my underwear draw?"

"Maybe," she grinned.

He shook his head, chuckling. "No privacy." Despite the fact he was half joking, it was true to some extent so he didn't give it too much thought or he would feel way too exposed.

Once Casey had eaten a little food, Shay could tell he was struggling to stay awake so she left him for the night, promising to come back in the morning first thing, despite his protests that she shouldn't bother. After she'd left, Casey managed to get one text message sent to Severide before his eyes closed and he drifted off into sleep.  
  


* * *

 

Casey was checked on regularly throughout the night and despite the interruptions and his worried, and often confused thoughts he just about managed to sleep through the night. He felt and acted much more like his usual self by the time the morning came.

A surgical intern had woken him up early in the morning, asking him questions and checking over his vitals and chart. Casey wasn't impressed but still responded politely, the guy was only doing his job, he needed to learn somehow.

An hour later, not long after 7am, there was a gentle knock at the door before it opened and a man in a white lab coat entered, smiling. "Matt Casey," the man began, "Didn't think I'd see you again, how are you doing?"

"Morning," Casey replied, slightly perplexed at the doctor's words, "Do I know you?"

"I was the general surgeon part of your team back when…"

"Oh, right, sorry, there was so many of you then."

The kindly doctor smiled. "You got a kidney."

"Yeah," he nodded. "And no real complications 'til now."

"So, I have a few students with me today, do you mind if I let them in?"

"Do you usually give patients a choice? It's a teaching hospital, I think one of them woke me up this morning?"

"How was he?"

"Bedside manner was fine, I've had worse…"

"Yeah, I was looking at your file last night after I was given your scans, you've been in and out of hospitals a lot," the doctor commented.

Casey just nodded.

"I'll try and make this stay as short as possible." He indicated to the students assembled outside the door to come in. "And I'll be doing all the talking when they come in, they'll just observe."

"Thank you but it's all right, just treat me like anyone else."

The group of medical students filed into the room, fresh faced and eager to see a potential new patient for them to treat. But that wouldn't be the case today with this patient though. One of the perks of having been a high profile first responder was the comradeship between the similar professions, and being injured in the line of duty did afford Casey a fair amount of preferential treatment.

"This is Matt Casey, I'll be brief because you should have all studied his medical file. He came in yesterday with…"

"Hydronephrosis," one the students spoke up, smiling.

"Eager bunch," Casey rolled his eyes, smiling at the doctor.

After sharing a look with Casey, the doctor turned to his students. "All right. And the cause in this case?"

"Scarring around the ureter, most likely from the kidney transplant he had in November 2016," the same student answered.

"Does he get a gold star for that?" Casey asked the surgeon, "Even I get the dates of everything muddled up."

"Later today I will be performing a laparoscopic ureteroplasty without general anaesthesia, why is that?" the surgeon asked the eager students.

"Because of the risk to the patient's heart. When he lost all kidney function due to severe abdominal trauma he later developed chronic anaemia which caused tachycardic arrhythmias. He went into left-sided heart failure, the progression of which was only halted by a kidney transplant. The patient also had cardiac events both before and after the transplant, a recent cardiac arrest during a leg reconstruction surgery weakened the heart and the risk the general anaesthesia has does not outweigh the benefits of this surgery. Instead an epidural will be used.

"Star student right there…" Casey commented quietly, forcing a smile.

"Correct, we will be using an epidural," the surgeon confirmed to his students.

"You can knock me out too, right? Give me a sedative… because…" he trailed off, swallowing hard, imagining a highlighted warning at the top of his chart and in his files, large bold print labelling him as suffering from PTSD and panic attacks, and advising that he should never be left in the dark. He wondered if maybe his imagination was getting the better of him and figured it probably was.

"A sedative and a pair of headphones," the man told him.

"Really?" Casey was surprised by what the surgeon had said.

"Really, Matt. You'll be well taken care of. You won't feel anything," came the answer. Then he addressed the students again. "Matt is a VIP here, anything he wants or needs he gets, he is your number one priority today."

"Bet you say that about all your patients," Casey said, another forced smile on his face.

The surgeon just smiled at him and indicated to the students to file out of the room. "I'll see you later on."  
  


* * *

Casey dozed for a short time after being given his usual daily medications and responding to Severide's multiple messages. He woke to find a nurse checking his vitals on the monitor and emptying the drainage bag attached to the nephrostomy tube.

"How are you feeling, honey?" she asked with a friendly smile.

"Don't need anything," he answered simply. His painkillers had reduced his pain to a manageable level and he didn't need anything more than he usually did. There wasn't anything he wanted, especially since he all he was doing was lying down in bed. They had told him he could get up and walk about if he wanted to but he knew he would need some help to do that so he wasn't planning on moving.

When Shay turned up he had fallen back into a light sleep and he opened his eyes when he heard her come into the room.

"Hey…" he croaked sleepily.

Shay sat herself in the chair by the bed. "So, Pumpkin's had her meds. She and Midnight are fine. I've sorted their food and water and litter tray," she reeled off. "And one of your neighbours thought I was breaking in to your apartment... wanted to know who I was and where I got a key," she grinned cheekily at Casey.

"They're new, moved in last week," Casey told her. "Surgery's scheduled for this afternoon. Hopefully I can go home after… or at least get out of here tomorrow."

"Tomorrow is probably more realistic."

"Yeah…" Casey looked at her for a moment before smiling wearily, "Don't stay here with me all day, I'm just gonna sleep, don't waste your time, and don't tell me you're not wasting your time or that you have nothing better to do or… or just don't give some excuse to stay, I don't need you to… that sounds kinda mean but, really, you don't need to be here."

Shay took a long breath, looking back at Casey, studying his tired features, his sad eyes. Casey had always had such sad eyes. She couldn't recall a time when he hadn't. "Do you know what time the surgery is scheduled for?" she asked him.

"Three."

"All right, I'll be back later then. Not having you alone here whilst you're…"

"Having yet another surgery?" he rolled his eyes. "I thought…"

"Matt?" she encouraged when he fell silent.

"Just thought, maybe, maybe I could not end up in here again. But that's never going to happen. I'm always going to be the we… I'm always going to be sick, for Kelly's sake I wish I wasn't. I wish I was just me again, healthy, fit… normal."

"Face it, Matt, you were never normal," Shay chuckled, trying to raise his mood despite the heartbreak she felt over his words, and knowing how being in here was causing his defences to drop.

"And talking of wishes… I wish I could just ask Kelly to drop everything and come. He makes everything so much better all the time, I don't even know how he does, he just does. Just… all the little things he does… I couldn't have done these last few years without him… hell, I couldn't have done before without him either…" he trailed off, trying to reel his emotions back in. "Sorry… sometimes I just lose it…"

Shay smiled softly at him. "How about instead of leaving right now, I'll go see what board games they have on this floor, yeah?"

"All right."

Shay was still with Casey early in the afternoon. He was sitting up at the end of the bed with the sheets rumpled around him, having become a little restless at the prospect of going into surgery soon. Although he had smiled when he saw text messages from his old crew, checking up on him and asking if there was anything he needed. He assumed Severide had either told everyone what was happening to him or posted something on Facebook.

A tired smile was on his face as he just managed to win the game he was playing with Shay. It was their third board game of the day. Shay had discovered a decent stash of games in one of the drawers at the nurse's station.

As Shay started to pack the game away one of the young interns knocked at the door and entered the room. Casey and Shay looked at him expectantly.

"Hi, Matt," the doctor began. "The surgery won't be happening today, I'm sorry. Unfortunately there's been a massive influx of emergency cases and the surgeons and OR's are all tied up for the foreseeable few hours and…"

"It's all right, I don't need an excuse, I understand these things," Casey responded quietly. His expression showed his dismay at the news. Now he knew he'd be here even longer because now he had the nephrostomy tube his life was no longer threatened.

"You can eat now but nothing after midnight again," the man told him. "Is there anything I can do for you? Anything you need? Is your pain still ok?"

"I'm fine, thank you," Casey told him with a dry smile.

"All right, well, if you need anything you can get one of the nurses to…"

"Page you, I know, you told me earlier and I'm not high today," he said, casting a quick glance towards Shay.

When the intern had left Casey settled himself back into the bed. He'd been growing tired and now the anxiety of imminent surgery had dissipated he was sleepy.

"Matt, I'll come back later on, ok?" Shay said gently, seeing Casey was already drifting off.

"Thanks... for today... for everything," he murmured, not even opening his eyes.


	53. Anchor

When Casey woke he could hear humming coming from somewhere, a very familiar tune that he knew well. His eyes felt heavy with sleep but he forced them open, and when his vision cleared fully a faint smile came to his face.

"Kel?" he whispered, wondering if he was seeing things.

"Hi, baby," a gentle voice greeted him.

"Dreaming…" Casey murmured sleepily. But he could feel someone take his hand, stroking it softly. That was real, he was sure of it.

"I'm really here," the voice responded.

"Hallucination would say that… did they give me something again?" Casey voiced his thought aloud.

Suddenly the voice said, "You look hot."

"What?" he croaked.

"Would a hallucination say that?"

"What?" he repeated.

"I know you. Your head wouldn't tell you that you were hot. Hallucinations are in your head. I'm not in your head, Matt. I'm here. I'm really here."

As Casey woke a little more, he shifted position in the bed, sitting up as Severide started to adjust the bed for him. Finally, Casey could see him properly and he smiled widely. "What are you doing here?" he asked, slightly confused by Severide's presence.

"I was never gonna let you be alone for another surgery," Severide told him.

"It's been rescheduled… and I wasn't alone."

"I know," he nodded. "I had to be here with you though. Truth is, this week has been horrible, I hate not being able to come home to you. This just gave me a very good excuse to come back. I missed you."

"Didn't think I was missable."

Severide shook his head. "Of course you are, Matt." He reached up and stroked Casey's hair back off his forehead. "How are you feeling?"

"Wish people would stop asking me that… I'm tired, but I'm all right… you really didn't need to come…"

"What did I just tell you?" Severide chuckled.

"I know but… I'm just failing here… I… everything's just fucked up, isn't it? I'm here again and I have tubes and needles sticking in and out of me and… and you shouldn't have come… you shouldn't see me like this… forgive me for wanting some privacy…"

Severide leaned over and shut Casey up with a kiss.

"I will always come for you, whether you want me to or not," Severide told him in a very serious voice, holding Casey's head in his hands, tilting his face up towards his own until their eyes were only a few inches from each other.

Casey's eyes lit up. "Yeah, you came pretty hard for me last week," he smirked shamelessly.

Severide didn't miss a beat. "That was a fun night. Can we have a repeat when you get out of here?" Severide said mischievously. "I want to put my lips all over you."

"Kelly, shut up…" he chuckled, mood improved tenfold.

"Huh?"

"Don't turn me on."

"Why not?" Severide asked in a seductively soft voice. Kissing Casey's ear.

"I've not showered for over twenty-four hours, not brushed my teeth for ages, and also there's the small matter of the tube in my dick…"

"I don't care…" Severide whispered, touching his lips to Casey's neck in a trail from his ear to his collarbone, eventually only stopped by the material of the hospital gown.  
  


* * *

 

A short while later Severide had made himself at home in Casey's hospital room. "So, I got you a little something from DC," Severide was saying as he rummaged in his bag, and it was only then that Casey noticed his suitcase.

"Did you come straight from the airport?" he queried.

Severide shrugged, "Thought about going home first, for less than a second, but I had to get a cab right here."

"No wonder you look like crap," he teased.

"I look like crap, what about you and all your tubes… and your bed hair… I do love your bed hair though…"

"Suppose we both have valid excuses… so, you got me a present?"

"I did," he smiled.

Casey rolled his eyes, grinning.

"What?" Severide huffed, still smiling, shaking his head.

"I love you, Kelly Severide… now hand it over, then…"

"It's just something silly, saw it and thought of you…" Severide handed him a small gift bag.

Casey pulled it open and took out something wrapped in tissue paper. He unrolled it carefully, eventually revealing a miniature replica of the Washington Monument.

"Figured 'cause you've never been to see it I'd bring it back for you…"

"Very funny," Casey deadpanned.

"It can sit on the fireplace in our new house."

"We're gonna have a fireplace in our new house?" Casey asked, smiling.

"Absolutely we are," Severide responded, returning the smile.

"And a white picket fence?"

"Do you want a white picket fence?"

"It doesn't have to be white… but I do want a garden, a large garden," he said, thinking.

"With a workshop," Severide added.

"Yeah… by the lake?" Casey suggested. "You can work from home… or still have the place at the boat yard, but we could have our own boat behind the house, you can finally teach me how to sail and if we have a kid…" he trailed off, "It wouldn't be safe actually, maybe not by the lake, and no pool or anything because…"

"When, not if, we have a kid, they'll know how to swim, and we won't take our eyes off them when they're by the water."

"They?" Casey's brows were raised now.

"Yeah, definitely they." Severide's smile faded as he saw the pained look on Casey's face. He was chewing his bottom lip, a sure sign that he was in some kind of pain. "Pain meds wearing off?" Severide asked worriedly, "What's hurting?"

Casey just nodded.

"Where's the pain?" Severide asked for a second time.

"Lower back mainly," Casey replied honestly.

"Heat pad? More meds?" Severide got ready to go and fetch a nurse but Casey held up a hand to stop him.

"Leg stretch... just need some help with the tubes and stuff. Shay brought a load of my stuff from home... leg's over there," Casey nodded at the corner of the room where his prosthetic was stored in its bag.

"All right, I'll give you a hand then get the nurse so we don't accidentally disconnect or dislodge any of your tubes..." Severide's voice was teasing as he tried to keep the mood light.

Soon Severide was walking closely by Casey's side as they took a slow stroll out in the corridor. He longed to hold onto Casey as he struggled along, longed to support him, he longed just to touch him, longed for the physical contact. But he held back, just walking close, a few inches away, keeping a little distance between them. He knew Casey would want to do this on his own. Physical support would undermine his confidence, make him feel weak, like he couldn't do this on his own, and that was the last thing Severide wanted.

Casey had gone without crutches but ended up using just the handrail on the wall to steady himself as he walked. Severide was ready to catch him if he lost his balance at any point. The gentle walk was helping to soothe the back pain that had been caused by lying down for too long on the hospital mattress. Those were nothing like the one that they had at home and they often caused Casey pain when he was confined to here for any length of time.

"Tired now," Casey admitted after walking from his room to the elevator and back twice. He was breathing heavily and a light sheen of sweat covered his pale face.

Severide hovered by his side, one hand on Casey's arm. "Has it helped at least?"

"Uh huh… think so," he nodded.

Once Casey was settled back into bed, a fairly long process because of all the medical equipment, they watched TV. Casey dozed off for a while but when he woke up again, he asked Severide to tell him about the training conference in Washington DC. Severide obliged but didn't go into a lot of detail as he realised Casey was tired so he only gave him a brief overview of what it had involved. Visiting hours were soon over and Casey was fast asleep so Severide left him with a gentle kiss on the forehead and a promise to be back first thing in the morning.

At 3am Casey was lying wide awake in the dimly lit room. His right leg felt as if it was being crushed under a huge slab of concrete again, he could feel the shattered bones and torn nerves as if it was real. His brain was telling him the agonising pain was real even though he knew it wasn't, and his heart rate and blood pressure were steadily rising on the monitors by his side. He was biting his lip until it bled as he fought against the worsening pain. It had been a few weeks since the phantom pains in his leg that he often experience had felt this severe.

The rise in his heart rate had alerted the nurses and one of them came to his room right away. He had explained through gritted teeth that his right leg felt as if it was being crushed. She injected some painkillers into his IV and told him to call her again if he needed to but that they should kick in soon. It seemed to take a lifetime before the shot seemed to start working and even then it only just took the edge off the agonising crushing pain. He was on the verge of asking for Ketamine again but he stopped himself, knowing he didn't want to head down that slippery slope again now he was doing so well with his drug dependency.  
  


* * *

 

Casey's surgery took place the following morning and everything went as well as they had hoped. They had given him a sedative and an epidural and he had hardly been aware of anything throughout the whole procedure. Severide had been allowed to see him briefly in the post-operative room only because Casey had asked for him each time he became conscious. Severide was his rock, his anchor, keeping him afloat, stopping him from sinking, preventing him from being swept away on the tides of emotional and physical agony that often swamped him. Everything made sense when he was with Severide and he no longer felt vulnerable or lost when they were together.

Severide was happy when Casey was finally brought back to his room. Shay and the others from 51 had been around for a short while during and after the surgery, but once they knew Casey was home free and in the clear they had left the hospital, knowing he wouldn't want visitors, but that the moral support had been good for their Squad Lieutenant.

"Did they say when we can go home yet?" Casey asked as Severide adjusted his pillows and blankets so he was as comfortable as he could possibly be.

Severide smiled at his question and gave him a tiny kiss on the forehead. "This morning you were lying in the operating room and now you're asking when you can go home?"

"Yeah…" Casey grinned, his face showing his tiredness. "Anything in that bag yet?" he asked, nodding towards where he knew the urine collection bag was clipped to the bedframe.

"Not yet but when there is we can…"

"We can go home… but I'm gonna end up back here, aren't I? Again and again…"

Severide took his hand, holding it gently. "Maybe."

"Probably…" Casey murmured, the mood in the room suddenly at an all time low.

"I'm always going to be with you no matter what happens," Severide told him, smiling firmly.

"But that's part of the problem."

"You are not a burden, Matt. I make my own decisions and my decision is to always be with you. Always."

"Because you love me," Casey spoke quietly.

"Because I love you," he confirmed.

"I love you as much as you love me, right? It's just… you always seem to do more for me…"

"I don't do much intentionally, it's just natural which is maybe why you think like that... but trust me when I say; you make me feel amazing, you make me feel loved, every single hour of every single day…"

Casey blinked slowly, trying to force his eyes to stay open now. "Kel… I think I'm still high on whatever it is they gave me…"

Severide smiled at him. "I think you are too. Get some rest."

"Better piss soon… wanna get out of here…" he mumbled, letting his eyes close.

"We'll be home soon, I promise, baby."  
  


* * *

In the end Casey had to wait to be discharged the next day, the surgery had proven successful a few hours after he had been moved from the post-operative room but because of the influx of critical patients Casey's doctor hadn't been able to discharge him until the morning after the surgery. Casey had left the hospital with strict aftercare advice and instructions but he didn't seem anywhere near as happy as Severide thought he would be.

There was silence on the journey home, but Severide told himself that it was because Casey was so exhausted. Severide wasn't surprised by his exhaustion, especially after everything that had happened, another reason Severide was so grateful for all the help Shay had provided especially. Casey had really had such a rough week, and now the surgery was over he just needed to get back into his normal home routine. Waiting at a set of traffic lights Severide put a hand on Casey's shoulder, he wanted to shrug it away but he couldn't be bothered with the concerned look that would ensue.

Severide pulled up in his allotted parking space and switched off the engine, he placed a hand on the top of Casey's leg. "Matt…" he began but he got no further.

"Can we just go inside?" Casey said, unprepared for the reassuring pep talk it sounded like Severide wanted to give him.

"Yeah, sure. I'll get your chair," he responded.

Once they got inside their apartment, Casey went straight to the bedroom for some sleep, leaving Severide to empty the car and bring all Casey's things up. When he got back up to the apartment, he left all the stuff from the car in the lounge and went in to check on Casey. He was lying asleep on the bed, in only his boxers. Severide looked at him for a while. His recent surgery incisions were still covered in white adhesive gauze, same as the site where the nephrostomy tube had been. It would be a few days yet until the stitches could be removed and he could shower and wash easily again. Severide looked at all the scarring on his body. He was scarred heavily from his toes to his sternum, marks showing all he had fought through and survived, hypertrophic and contracture scarring marred his body, and this new surgery would only add to them. He was still perfect to Severide though. He smiled at Casey's sleeping form as he pulled a blanket over him, watching him sleep for a while longer, glad they were both home together now, before he got up to unpack Casey's things, and his own since he'd not done any of that when he'd come back from the training conference.

Severide sorted out what clothes needed to go into the washer, pausing in the kitchen after he had switched the machine on, hearing the water swirling inside for a few moments. There were lots of other chores he could be getting on with but right now he felt drawn to Casey, he needed to be close to him. He went back into the bedroom, taking off his own clothes and laying down by Casey's side, carefully wrapping an arm around him so he didn't wake. Pumpkin had followed him in and jumped up onto the bed, nuzzling her way in between the two of them, purring softly as Severide stroked her with his free hand. Midnight soon joined them on the bed but she just lay down by their feet and curled up.

"It really was horrible staying away without you, Matt," Severide spoke quietly, not wanting to wake Casey but also not wanting to be silent. "And whatever happens, you really are gonna be just fine… you have to be… you're my sun, Matt, you're my sun. I love you."

Casey stirred in his sleep, murmuring something inside the oxygen mask that Severide had slipped over his face, but he didn't seem to have woken up. Severide leaned in closer, he kissed the back of Casey's neck, a little below his hairline, taking a deep breath, inhaling the familiar scent, now entwined with the antiseptic smell of the hospital. He smiled, remembering the smell of smoke on Casey's skin, back at the firehouse in the past, when they had been naked together in one of the shower cubicles or their quarters. It hadn't happened very often. They had both been so very careful but after a tough and tiring call they sometimes just wanted each other's company, needed it, just like they still both needed each other now.

When Casey did wake he could feel Severide's warm breaths against his skin, feel the heat radiating from his body, one arm was still wrapped protectively around him, the other lying across his chest as he slept. He felt safe now and knew that everything would be okay as long as they had each other. He trusted Severide. But the dark thoughts Casey always had were creeping into the front of his mind, taking over, becoming his main focus. He was going to die before Severide. He knew that, and he knew Severide would be alone for a long time in the future. He just hoped he would find someone else to replace him so he wouldn't have to be alone.

These last few days had proved one thing to Casey and that was that he would never be able to get by without Severide, but he was always going to be dependent on so many others to keep his body healthy, to provide the medications he would always need, hell, even to maintain his sanity. It was all starting to feel like it was all too much for him to deal with again.


	54. Domestic Disturbance

Two weeks had gone by since Casey had been discharged from the hospital and he still didn't seem to have recovered as well as he had done in the past after surgery. Physically he had once again exceeded the doctor's expectations but mentally it was another matter completely. He had never been hugely outgoing but he seemed to be terribly subdued at the moment, even in the privacy of their own apartment. Severide was sure he was sleeping even more than usual and he knew it could be one of two things. Casey was either suffering from depression, or he was getting sick. He was almost certain it was the former.

"I'm back, baby…" Severide called out as he stepped into their apartment. He turned and locked the door before dumping his work bag down by the wall, and pulled off his jacket, hanging it up. He looked around for Casey. "Matt?" he questioned as soon as he saw him lying on the floor. He looked him up and down but he seemed perfectly fine. "Hi…"

"Hey…" Casey responded, opening his eyes to look at the ceiling.

"Hi…" Severide repeated. He frowned, asking, "What are you doing down there?"

"Was playing with the girls," Casey answered in a very matter-of-fact tone, as if lying flat on his back in the middle of the living area floor was something Severide found him doing regularly.

"Are you… erm… are you stuck?" Severide queried, standing by him looking down at his face.

"Just thinking," he replied quietly, looking up at the ceiling, his eyes hadn't even glanced at Severide, in fact if he hadn't spoken Casey wouldn't have realised he'd have arrived home.

"Mind if I sit here?" Severide asked, getting down onto the floor next to Casey.

This time it was Casey's turn to frown. He turned his head and looked at Severide. "I'm ok," he said with a hint of mockery.

"It's just… you're lying on the floor, Matt."

"I know."

"Ok. Well, I've pulled some strings at the academy and since you should be free to do all activities after your next check-up… we can go abseiling next week." Severide smiled, happy that Casey was going to be able to do something he really wanted. "What d'you think? Friday?"

"Maybe another time," Casey responded in a flat voice.

The smile fell from Severide's face and he felt deflated. "Ok, sure. Do you have plans for today?"

"No," Casey answered.

"Want to come over to the boat yard with me?"

"No," came the monosyllabic reply again.

"Think you should... you need to get out of here, Matty," Severide encouraged.

"Don't feel up to it... don't feel too well, I'm probably get sick again."

"Oh, all right, ok..." Severide responded, not entirely convinced. "Well, probably best to stay in and just rest then. Maybe get some sleep?"

"Yeah, think so…" Casey just nodded in agreement.  
  


* * *

 

Two more weeks passed by and Casey's sleep quality was appearing to get a little better, he didn't need so much of it and Severide reckoned that he was slowly getting back to normal. But he couldn't have been more wrong. Casey was suffering chronic insomnia and no matter what he did to try and alleviate it, it was getting worse. He was barely managing to disguise the problem from Severide and eventually Severide began to realise what was happening to him. For the time being he chose not to broach the matter, just waiting patiently to see how it played out. He was hopeful that the phase wouldn't last for long but he knew he would have to end up doing something about it if it turned into a bigger problem.

Sitting in the car Severide smiled across at Casey, happy that he'd suggested the trip out together, they'd been at the boat yard all morning and had decided to go by the store Severide pulled into the massive parking lot at the Target store, which despite its size, seemed to be packed full. He scanned the lot for a free space in the disabled zone lines, finally spotting one and heading into it. As he did another car came into the space until their bumpers almost touched. Severide thumped his fists on the steering wheel as the other guy hopped out of the vehicle, clearly completely able-bodied and with no passenger. Severide quickly switched off his ignition and jumped out.

"Hey! What do you think you're doing?" he shouted to the man, who turned with a glare when he saw Severide stomping towards him. Anger took Severide over as he checked out the front of the vehicle before he said anything else. The other guy just shrugged as Severide continued to make his point. "You got no disability ID on your windshield. You need to move your car, buddy... find another space, yeah?"

"Listen, I'm in a rush so you gotta use another spot, ok? I was here first…"

"These spaces are here for a reason you know..." Severide turned around and saw Casey had got out of the car and was slowly walking over to where Severide stood.

Several people had stopped to watch the altercation. This was the last place Casey wanted to be right now and although he did get why Severide was so mad, he didn't want the hassle. They really could just go and park somewhere else. The place was busy and most spaces were a fair distance from the store entrance and Casey was happy to walk, but Severide knew that Casey really did need the extra room to get in and out of the car.

The other driver simply looked Casey up and down and shrugged. "So, he can walk, find another space." He turned to walk away to the store.

Severide was about to follow but Casey's hand grabbing his arm stopped him. "Asshole…" Severide muttered angrily.

Passers-by were still staring at Casey and Severide as the other driver simply walked off, ignoring them, leaving Severide red-faced with annoyance. They both got back into the car and Severide switched on the engine.

"We'll just drive around and wait for a decent space," Severide told Casey.

"Let's just go, there's no point…"

"We'll wait for a spot…"

"It's fine, please, let's just go home," Casey pleaded.

"We made the effort now, we may as well…"

"I didn't need that space," Casey pointed out. "You didn't have to go and do that."

"Whether you needed that space or not that guy shouldn't have been parking there,' Severide retorted, still angry.

"I don't wanna get into this. It's done now…"

"It's not done, Matt. He shouldn't have been in that space. Someone who is disabled needs it way more than he does..."

"Like me, you mean?" Casey was dismayed at Severide's anger over it. "Listen, people do it all the time, people are ignorant and selfish, and just do whatever they want, doesn't matter about anyone else as long as they can do what they need to do."

Severide just shook his head, trying to calm himself down. He backed up and they moved slowly around the lot to find another space. "Come on, I'll find another spot, ok?"

Casey let out a breath. "We do need cat litter. You could just go and get it, be quicker."

"We're meant to be doing things together, it's supposed to be a good day, we had a good time this morning, right?"

"Just get the cat litter so we can go home," Casey said, annoyance in his tone, as he stared out the window.

"Thought it would be fun to walk around and look at things we don't really need…"

"Yeah, I did too," he said.

"So, let's do it, yeah? C'mon, since when would you allow one selfish idiot to ruin your day?" Severide smiled at him, hoping to cheer him up, although he still felt annoyance burning through him.

Casey looked down at his legs and was silent for a few moments. "Ok, all right, let's do it. Can see if we can get any new stuff for the house..."

"Ha… yeah, we really need get the ball rolling with that," Severide responded. "I need to show you those listings I found yesterday."

"Ah, so that's what you do on shift these days then?" Casey grinned.

"Yup, that's it. I'm Lieutenant of house searching," he grinned back.  
  


* * *

 

That evening Casey cooked dinner for the two of them, then sat flicking through the TV channels while Severide did the clearing up. The two cats lay sprawled on the rug, sleeping.

"Anything you wanna watch?" Casey called, keeping channel hopping while he waited for Severide to reply.

His answer soon came when he came back over to Casey's side on the couch and wrapped his arms around him. "You look exhausted, baby. How about we just go to bed. We can watch something tomorrow, got all day together." He leaned towards Casey until his lips were a few millimetres from his temple and Casey could feel his breath against the side of his face.

"It's not even 9pm," he countered.

"Long day..." Severide whispered, kissing him lightly.

"If you're tired just go to bed, I'm not stopping you," Casey responded, his voice showing his irritation.

"Matt, don't do this. Take a breath. No need to get uptight..."

"Take a breath? What? I don't need to go to bed when you do, do I?"

"Matty, stop. Listen to yourself," Severide continued calmly, trying not to raise his voice, not wanting yet another pointless argument.

Casey did actually take a breath. He turned to Severide. "Sorry, I… I really am tired, that's not an excuse but… I'm tired but I don't want to go to bed."

"Well, that's logic for you…" Severide chuckled, his arms still around Casey.

"Hey… don't laugh at me," Casey replied, a boyish grin on his face now.

Severide just responded by lifting a hand and running it through Casey's hair, pulling his forehead gently to his lips and kissing him softly. "So, how about one episode of Vikings and then bed."

"Sure, all right," Casey agreed and shuffled himself down next to Severide, head on his shoulder.

The next thing Casey heard was Severide's gentle voice. "Matty… Matt…"

Casey opened his eyes. "Mmm… damn… did I…" he croaked tiredly, lifting his head a little from Severide's shoulder.

"Yeah, you fell asleep, I've paused the show, we can watch it tomorrow…"

"I should just listen to you, shouldn't I?" Casey said, a sigh escaping his lips.

"Well, you made it half way."  
  


* * *

 

Despite falling asleep earlier on the couch, Casey lay awake once they were in bed, listening to Severide snoring softly beside him, wishing he could sleep so readily and easily. Unable to succumb he sat up and quietly got out of bed and onto his crutches, going into the lounge where he ended up watching the National Geographic channel for almost three hours before he made his way back to bed. Severide was still sleeping peacefully so he balanced his crutches against the nightstand and lay back down as gently as he could so he didn't disturb him. Casey lay for some time on his side, watching Severide, waiting for sleep to claim him, finally closing his eyes and drifting away.

Severide woke with a sting across his face to pained moans and flailing limbs. Casey had inadvertently hit him in his sleep, it had happened before. He was in the throes of another pain and panic filled nightmare. They happened at least twice a week, and some were worse than others, it hadn't been too long ago that one had sent him to the ER because of the anxiety it had caused.

He got to work immediately, Severide was well used to this situation now, after three years of coping with Casey's PTSD and nightmares, and he'd suffered with a few even before becoming trapped in that concrete tomb.

Remaining calm, and speaking in a soft voice, he began to stroke Casey's arm with a gentle hand. "Matty, baby, you're all right, open your eyes for me…" Severide began.

Severide knew he was subconsciously scared of waking up and finding himself trapped in the darkness as he had been so long ago.

"Open your eyes, we're at home, baby, you're safe, you're safe… I promise…"

Casey continued to gasp for air, unable to catch his breath, eyes closed, shaking, sweating, even though he seemed to be semi-conscious now. "It hurts…"

"I know, I know… you'll get through it, I promise, you're gonna be just fine. Open your eyes, look at me… please, baby."

With his breathing still well out of control and his chest heaving, Casey grabbed the front of Severide's t-shirt, but finally opened his eyes, blinking quickly.

"Good. Now, look around, tell me where we are," Severide offered him a smile now he had his eyes open.

Casey looked around himself for a few moments, taking in his surroundings.

Severide lifted up his own pillow and placed Casey's hand on top of it. "Feel that, Matty?"

Casting a look at his surroundings Casey soon replied. "Home. We're home…"

"Yeah…"

"It hurts…" he groaned, his voice already hoarse.

"I'm gonna get you something for the pain, all right? I will be right back," Severide reassured him. He had to prise Casey's clenched fist away from his shirt so he could quickly get to the kitchen and to the first aid kit, where they kept the strongest painkillers. It was in a small case with the large first aid kit, the case locked with a key code, that had been Casey's own decision. It was now Severide's choice when and if to let Casey have the strongest medication, and he knew he needed it now. The pain wouldn't subside without it and he would remain in agony until he was screaming and crying. Severide knew that.

When Severide got back to him, Casey was still sitting on the bed, shaking, one hand grasping the pillow as if he couldn't get his brain to accept he was safe and at home. Severide moved next to him and got the pills down him, starting to stroke his arm again. Gradually Severide's touch, scent and calm words steadily soothed Casey and he began to relax as he became more aware of reality and his pain lessened. Severide let out a long breath, relieved that Casey was settling. But that peace was short lived once again.

The lightbulb in the lamp on Casey's nightstand blew. Sending the room into darkness. Casey panicked, not knowing where he was, he tried to scramble to safety but he slipped off the bed with a thud. He let out a loud agonising cry, the shock and memories that overtook his brain was overwhelming.

Severide darted into action, hunkering down by Casey, who had started to hyperventilate again. "Matt, it's ok... it's me, it's Kelly..."

"Kelly," Casey repeated, breathing heavily.  
  
Severide reached out, fumbling to find his hand, then placing Casey's palm against his own chest.  
  
"Kelly..." Casey breathed again in the dark, hand against Kelly's warm body.

"The lightbulb blew," Severide told him. "Worst timing ever, right?"

Casey remained silent but his breathing had evened out quickly, he was even growing lethargic now, they had the drugs to thank for that.

"Did you hurt yourself when you fell?" he asked Casey, moving back to his side.

"When… when I fell?"

"You fell off the bed," Severide told him.

"I'm on the floor?"

"Yeah. I'm going to get up and turn the light on, ok?" Severide said with a nod. He got up from the floor.

"Wait! Stop! Please… please don't leave me… please… don't leave me down here…" His voice had reached about its loudest pitch as he sat there shouting in the darkness, working himself up into a frantic panic.

Immediately Severide returned right to Casey's side. "Hey, hey… it's all right, we're at home, remember?"

"Please…"

"Matty, baby, we're at home…" Severide kept talking to him through the blackness.

"Please… don't… I'm sorry, please, I'm sorry… I'm sorry…"

"Matt, Matt, it's me, it's Kelly," Severide told him. Scared about the state Casey's mind was in now. He got up, knowing he needed to get rid of the darkness or nothing he would do would help. He turned around and switched on the bedroom light, bathing room in brightness.

He was still shouting as Severide got to his knees by his side where he still sitting on the carpet leaning against the bed, pillow lying deserted next to his hand. Casey was blinking rapidly, periodically screwing his eyes shut, still unable to sense where he really was. He screamed. He was totally alone in the blackness and he just screamed for all he was worth. Screamed until he was hoarse, in and out of consciousness as he lay there, trapped and bleeding, feeling the agony of splintered bones and the huge crushing weight of the concrete blocks that held him.

Eventually everything calmed down again. Casey had exhausted himself mentally and physically, still sitting on the floor, slumped half against Severide and half against the nightstand. Severide was silent, one arm around Casey, listening to his breathing, relief that it was all over flooding through him. Casey hadn't suffered this badly for a long time now and Severide wished he knew what or if something triggered the nightmares and panic attacks to worsen. He knew it wouldn't have quite been so bad tonight if the light bulb hadn't blown. That really had been bad timing. Although the bedroom being sent into darkness would never be good timing. Casey had overcome such a lot over the years and especially since he had been injured, but he would more than likely never get over his crippling fear of darkness.

Just as Severide closed his eyes and settled his chin on top of Casey's blond head, he heard a harsh knock on the apartment door. He looked down into Casey's half open eyes. He hadn't reacted to the knock at the door and Severide wasn't even sure he had heard it. "Hang on, baby, I'll get this, I'll be back."

Severide got to his feet and went quickly out of the bedroom to the entrance. Another harsh knock at the door was accompanied by an equally harsh voice from the hallway. "CPD! Open up!" a male voice ordered.

Severide frowned, responding. "Hey, I'm coming... hang on..." he called, still wondering why they were at his door in the middle of the night. He unlocked the door and opened it, the same frown on his face. Two police officers stood at the entrance, looking Severide, still in his boxers and t-shirt, up and down. He appeared the worse for wear as he stared out at them.

"Sir, we've had a report of domestic disturbance from this apartment," one of the young fresh-faced officers announced.

Severide was almost lost for words, unable to get his head around the fact that two uniformed police officers were standing outside his apartment in the middle of the night, and that he was in his boxers and t-shirt in front of them. But then it clicked. Reality hit home. Casey. They must have woken the new neighbours up with the racket, which had been worse than ever before.

"Yeah, sure." Severide replied. "There's just been a misunderstanding, I think," he said, moving out of the way so they could enter.

"Who else is here, sir?" the same officer asked, as the other one began to look around the apartment.

"Just my partner. He has PTSD, he has panic attacks, nightmares… the light went out and… everything's fine now though, I am sorry we disturbed them, we've not managed to speak to our new neighbours with everything that's been going on recently and… yeah…" He tried to explain the situation in the hope the police would just call it a night. When it didn't seem to work he spoke again, "Listen, guys, I'm Lieutenant…"

"Severide from 51?" the other officer half questioned.

"Yeah." Severide nodded, relieved that he was known to them, hoping it might give him some leeway.

"Look, he's fine now. No need to..."

"Sorry, Lieutenant, we have to check everything out."

Severide let out a long sigh. "Sure, but can I just tell him before you go in?"

The officer nodded.

Severide returned to their bedroom where Casey was still sitting exactly where he was, eyes closed, but one hand resting back on the pillow that had fallen down with him. He knelt down in front of him.

"Matt, we…" he began, not quite sure how to word it all, "We made quite a bit of noise and I think the neighbours got worried, there's a couple of cops here. You didn't do anything wrong, ok? This isn't your fault, I know that, all right? It's just a misunderstanding…" Casey's eyes had opened, widening into a stare and Severide turned to follow his line of vision, seeing one of the cops standing inside the bedroom.

The officer watched as Severide got Casey up. He was unsteady, leaning heavily on his crutches, struggling to keep his balance on one leg, eyes heavy-lidded, unshaven face, hair plastered down with sweat, pupils blown wide. He staggered a little as he made his way past the officer, avoiding eye contact with him. Casey sat himself on the couch as one of the cops took a look around the bedroom, checking for anything which could indicate that a criminal offence had taken place. Severide remained standing, his eyes on the other officer who was now in the kitchen looking over the medications in the case Severide had left open on the counter.

"They're all prescribed drugs," Severide told the young officer, who nodded.

"I can see that, Lieutenant," the officer responded, holding up the open pot that still stood there, and reading the label. "Matthew Casey?" he questioned, addressing Severide and nodding towards the couch.

"He's Lieutenant Matthew Casey," Severide told him, emphasising the rank even though Casey no longer used it. It was still his rank and he was entitled to it. He had earned it with blood, sweat and tears over his years of service.

The officer nodded, replacing the container on the counter. "Ok, I don't think we need to see any more," he said, walking over to the couch, looking Casey up and down. "But if there are any more complaints we will have to deal with them much more seriously."

"You're kidding, right?" Severide retorted, unable to stop himself.

"We don't take these allegations lightly…"

"It's a misunderstanding, surely you can see that," Severide responded heatedly.

"Just… try to keep to it down," the officer said.

"Oh perfect. That's great advice. Doesn't matter that he was hurt trying to protect this city… just keep it down…" Severide muttered scathingly, shaking his head, "Yeah, sure, next time he is reliving everything he went through I'll tell him to be quiet. Get out of our apartment."

"Lieutenant, I do understand, really, I do, but we have protocols to follow," the officer replied.

He tried to calm himself down, saying what he felt the officers would want to hear. "I know. I understand too."

"All right then, we'll leave you now. We're sorry for the intrusion"

Severide let them out and close the door, relocking it behind them, turning and sighing as he looked at Casey on the couch, his head bowed slightly, eyes closed now. He walked over and sat down next to him, raising one hand to touch his shoulder. The medication he'd given him had clearly taken its greatest effect now.

"All sorted, see, Matt? It's fine," Severide told him.

It took Casey a moment to respond. "Yeah, only 'cause they know you," he spoke quietly.

"And you too."

"They didn't know me, I'm no one anymore."

"You'll never be no one, Matt, especially to me," Severide said.

"I used to do something important…"

"You still do, every single day," Severide responded. "I know it doesn't feel like that to you, but it does to me, all right?"

Casey just nodded a little in response, too weary to give a verbal reply.

"I take it that the pain is gone?" Severide asked him.

Casey nodded again. "Thanks…"


	55. The Yellow House

Casey slept for the rest of the night after his ordeal, he had even slept through his alarm but Severide had found no sleep after the police officers had left, he woke Casey up and managed to get him to take his medications before he fell back to sleep. Severide lay next to him for a while, holding him close, before getting up, leaving him to rest.

It wasn't until midday that Casey emerged from the bedroom, heavy-eyed and unshaven, his hair all over the place, still wearing his pyjamas. Severide watched him as he made his way over to the kitchen area on his crutches to get a drink. Severide walked slowly over to where he was, threading his arms around his slender waist from behind him, leaning his head forward a little to kiss the back of his neck. He took in a deep breath as Casey turned around wordlessly, letting one crutch just balance against the counter for a few moments while he used the other to lean on. He raised his free hand to Severide's face and kissed him with a soft, enticing touch to his lips that made Severide melt inside. He held Casey close to his own warm body, inhaling his scent, and they just stood there for a time, neither wanting to break the bond.

Eventually, Casey moved a little, pulling his head back, searching Severide's face silently. "Thank you," he whispered.

Severide gave him one more kiss, then just shook his head, there was no need for Casey to thank him for the previous night.

Casey turned around to get a glass from the shelf, knocking the loose crutch over as he did so. "Damn…" he cursed, but Severide had it picked up and back in place in a flash. He took the glass from Casey and pulled a carton of juice from the fridge, pouring it into the glass for him.

"Thanks," Casey said softly, a little dismayed. Frustration began to rise inside him again so he drank the juice and put the used glass on the side. "Think I'm just gonna go back to bed…"

"Ok, but before you do… got you something a few days ago, it arrived this morning," Severide told him.

Casey waited where he was standing, eyes following Severide until he returned back to his side with an opened parcel.

Severide pulled out the item from the packaging. "It's a weighted blanket," he told Casey.

Casey just looked at him, not really knowing what he was talking about, his expression questioning.

"It's supposed to help with anxiety and things… I know you've not been sleeping very well, or even managing to sleep at all recently. Got another heat pad too since the other one has been playing up," Severide said.

"Well, it is old now, I guess," Casey replied, nodding. "Thanks for this. And… I'll get past this sleeping thing again, I'm not worried so you don't need to worry either."

"All right." Severide laid the folded blanket on the counter top and placed a gentle hand on Casey's jaw, leaning in to return the kiss. After a moment, Casey let himself relax into Severide's embrace again, and Severide just held him tightly once more.

Casey lifted his head back up from Severide's shoulder. "We should really get on with the whole house searching thing, we need to move, get our own place… have no one calling the cops on me…"

"Don't worry about last night," Severide urged. "And we've got our first viewings this week, I'm looking forward to it, you?"

"Don't know. What if we don't find anywhere? It's taken long enough to find places we even wanted to look at…"

"Well, we have had a lot of other stuff going on, that's not helped. And will find something perfect. I know we will."

"It's a good thing you're so positive all the time," Casey grinned.

"One of us has to be," Severide chuckled, teasingly.  


* * *

  
House viewing turned out to be exhausting. At the time they'd made their plans Severide had questioned Casey on the amount of appointments they were trying to fit into one day but he had insisted he would be fine and that they needed to see as many as possible or they could lose out on the perfect place. But he wasn't fine. After being shown around the first two houses Casey felt as though he could sleep for a week, although he was still struggling with his sleeping at the moment, he was still lying awake unable to succumb to sleep until the very early hours of the morning despite the exhaustion he felt.

In the end Severide could tell how bad Casey was starting to feel by the look on his face, so he called up and cancelled their final two house viewings that day, deciding it was better to reschedule them than to try and keep going. Casey felt disappointed in himself once again but Severide managed to convince him it would be wiser to see the two last properties another day.  
  
One of the realtors was able to set up a viewing for the next day and they were able to meet her at the lakeside house the following morning. Casey looked at the front of the lakeside house as Severide spoke to the agent, he was tired, after only a couple hours of sleep he woke up and felt as if he'd been hit by a truck, and that was before he'd even sat up. Nevertheless, he walked around the front of the house, taking in all the detail with a keen craftsman's eye.

It was a small one storey house, surrounded by a veranda with four steps up. The wooden slats that made up most of the house were faded ochre, there were dead and dying plants in the large front garden and the white picket fence that surrounded the property was flaking, and the fence panels themselves had seen much better days.

"Well, as I said on the phone, the place does need a lot of work, as you can see, but they just want to get a quick sale now so it would be a great project. The heating and water systems are all up to standard and it's just the look of the place that's putting potential buyers off, and the longer it's on the market..." the realtor was saying to Severide as they stood near the steps up to the veranda. He was casting his eyes over the front of the house, checking it out.

"It's been on the market for a while?" Severide asked her.

"It's been empty for over two years but on the market for less than a few months now. The previous owner has had to go into a care home and the family decided to put it up for sale. It has so much potential, I'm surprised no one has snapped it up. Great location, one shopping mall and two large grocery stores in the area, and some great schools too…."

Severide grinned at that. "Well, we don't have any kids… at least not yet," he told her, chuckling, watching Casey as he examined some of the veranda railings a few yards away.

"Oh... sorry, of course..." She blushed a little, clearly embarrassed at her faux pas.

"Hey, no worries." Severide just smiled back. "One day we want a family though so good schools are something we looked into."

She cleared her throat. "So, anyway, you'll love the back yard... there's a work shed, and a small jetty. It all needs some work but it's a really great space. Come inside and I'll show you around there first."

The interior of the house was much more spacious than it seemed from outside. The main living area was open plan which suited Casey as it would allow him use of his chair as and when he needed. There were three bedrooms, an office, a main bathroom, and ensuite with the main bedroom, along with a kitchen that would need work but they could do all that themselves pretty easily.

"There's a basement just through this door, only a few steps down, where the utility room is. It's all plumbed in and there's electric sockets for any appliances you want down there," the realtor told them as she opened the door.

"Kel… you just go. I'm gonna stay up here and take a longer look around, ok?" Casey told Severide quietly.

Severide understood, he didn't want to try and negotiate the old steps down to the basement. Severide just gave him a small reassuring smile and followed the realtor down the steps.

When he emerged back up again he found Casey outside on the veranda. He opened the outer mesh door and stood next to him for a few moments, taking in the view for the first time. Casey turned and smiled at him, not saying anything but the expression on his face was priceless, and right at that moment Severide knew this was the house for them, the home they would build their future in. It was further to the firehouse than he had been used to but closer to the boatyard so it was a perfect trade off. Severide took Casey's hand and held it for a while as they waited for the realtor whilst she completed some forms back inside the house.

"Do you see it?" Casey asked, his voice low and a little emotional.

Severide's brows knitted into a small frown. "Do I see what?"

"Us," he responded softly, turning to Severide, "Here, with a family. It's not just a dream, is it?" His face was questioning, hopeful and yet resigned at the same time, as if he just couldn't quite believe this was all  happening.

Severide placed a tiny kiss on his temple, smiling softly. "We're making it reality. I promise, Matt, I will give you what you want, what we want, it'll all be ours, you deserve everything."

"You deserve it all too."

"Let's cancel that next viewing, put a deposit down on this place, yeah?"

Severide could tell there was still something of a doubt in Casey's mind as he turned to face the interior of the house. "What if… what if I have a bad day…"

"We already said this when we saw it online, we'll have a discreet ramp sorted out when we do up the place, and we can have a temporary one in the meantime… hell, you know I'll happily carry you anywhere." Severide grinned cheekily at him.

"What if it takes ages to sort the place out? I want to try and do it but…"

"Matt, we have all the time in the world," Severide reminded him.

"But what if we don't? What it something happens to you… I… I worry every time you got to work," Casey responded.

"You always have, and I always worried about you. Still do. That's never gonna change. Whatever does happen, I know you'll be strong enough to cope with whatever it is."

He shook his head. "I don't feel strong without you."

Severide laughed. "Matt, I honestly don't think I could have gone through everything you have, you're an inspiration."

"No, I'm not," he responded immediately. "I never had a choice," he added, "Dealing with what life throws at you is just… it's just… it's life. I'm no more inspirational, no more better, no nothing more than anyone else. I'm not special." He shook his head as if to accentuate the point.

Severide just smiled at him, raising a hand and stroking back his hair. "Well, you're special to me."  


* * *

 

A week later and the house was officially going to have new owners. Matthew Casey and Kelly Severide. They had signed all the paperwork and the finance was completed, they had a moving date set for the beginning of June. In the meantime, they had started to pack up their things in the apartment, and had decided to get the furniture that Casey'd had in his house out of storage and ready to move into their new home.

Casey was lounging on the couch, his left leg doubled up underneath him, the house documents on the coffee table in front of him and an animated movie playing on the TV, whilst Severide was clearing up the things from the dinner Casey had made. The two cats were teasing each other, playing with one of Severide's socks. 

Casey made a move to get up to fetch a drink but he stopped immediately, wincing and sucking in a pained gasp. After a while he called out to Severide. "Kel… I can't move my leg…"

Severide was with him in a moment.

"It hurts…" he admitted, his face pale, biting at his lower lip.

"Ok. Look at me," Severide began. This had happened too many times to count but it meant he knew how to deal with it. "Take a breath…"

Casey did as he said and Severide took hold of his leg, moving it slightly.

"How's that? Better?" Severide asked.

He nodded a little.

"Ok," Severide responded. "I'm gonna move it off the couch, all right?"

Casey nodded again.

"Take another breath…" Severide spoke softly as he started to gently move Casey's leg.

Casey grunted in pain. "No… no, no, please stop!"

"Ok, Matt, I don't know what to do, this is usually fine. Just… erm… you can't stay here all night…"

"Please, Kelly, please…" Casey gasped out. The pain in his leg was starting to radiate around his whole body.

"Look at me, take some breaths, ok? Ok, let's move it up and then out straight…" Severide was saying as he manoeuvred Casey's left leg.

"That's better, that's better…"

"Ok, good, move it a little more…"

"Sorry…" Casey muttered once his leg was out in front of him.

"You ok?"

"Yeah, sorry, it feels fine now... sorry." Casey started laughing through tear-stricken eyes.

Severide didn't believe that he was no longer in any pain. "You made it sound like you'd broken it or something," he said lightly, smiling a little.

"It felt worse than broken," he told him.

"Want some ice?"

"Think it's ok."

"Sure? Don't blame me if your knee swells to the size of a football."

Casey was silent, his expression suddenly subdued.

Severide didn't miss a thing. "Baby?"

Casey shook his head. "I hate this. I hate this…" he whispered.

"Matt… you're fine, you were sitting in the same position for too long." Severide smiled at him.

Casey either hadn't heard or chose not to listen. "I used to be…"

"There's nothing wrong with needing help," Severide spoke, knowing exactly what line of thought Casey had right now.

"I feel like I'm breaking down… I feel like I'm… I'm barely together and I'm so tired, Kelly… I'm sorry but I'm tired… I'm so tired… I have been trying so hard but… but I can't… I can't…" Casey rambled quietly.

"We can do anything together."

"I want to do everything on my…"

"On your own. I know," Severide said, nodding. "Matt, needing help isn't a sign of weakness, you gotta believe me, you need to get your head round this, I can see how much it hurts you but it doesn't need to."

"I know, I know." Casey closed his eyes for a moment before continuing. "I'm fine with it, with you helping because I couldn't… and I don't want to do anything without you. But then… I'm not fine with it at all and I want to blame all of the meds I'm on but I know I can't. This is me. And I'm struggling. I'm struggling to hold everything together."

"You don't need to hold everything together…"

"I don't want to be sick or in pain or… I don't want to feel like this. I just want to be happy… and I'm happy with you, I'm so happy with you. I have never been as happy as I am than when I'm with you. I love you, I love you so much but… but I'm so scared you're going to disappear. And I'm so sorry I'm such a mess all the time, that I can't deal with anything anymore..."

Severide smiled, brushing a tear away from Casey's face. "Matt, how long have you known me?"

"Almost half my life."

"And have I ever gone anywhere… or disappeared?"

"No."

"I'm not going anywhere."

"You can't say that."

"Yes I can, because if I have any say in the matter I will never leave you. Ever."

Casey laughed a little at the seriousness of their conversation now. "Since when did I become some needy?"

"Oh, you've always been needy," Severide teased, enveloping Casey in his arms. "Can you believe we finally bought a house together? Because I can't."

"Bank balance says we have… I didn't think it would ever happen though, it feels good, right?" Casey's mood seemed to be improving a little now and Severide's close physical proximity was helping him.

"It feels amazing."  


* * *

 

Their house move went smoothly, apart from Casey managing to trip as he went up the top step onto the veranda, but they both laughed and said it was the perfect entrance into their new home. Severide had to fight the urge to carry Casey through the door, thinking it could be a step too far on this occasion, he'd wait for another special day. Midnight and Pumpkin excitedly ran out into the garden, with everyone keeping a careful eye on them as Casey and Severide helped the removal company guys, showing them which rooms the various boxes and furniture needed to go into. They had decided to keep the two cats in the house for a while so they could settle into their new home. They had always been indoor cats but could maybe roam the area once they were used to their new surroundings. Casey and Severide were a little unsure what to do for the best, especially given Pumpkin's health.

By the time they had all settled in and the removal company had left, Casey was sitting on the couch, the setting sun casting a coloured glow over the room, and the two cats had fallen asleep together by the empty fireplace. Severide smiled at the image, sitting down next to Casey, who was exhausted after such a long and strenuous day.

"C'mere…" Casey said quietly, moving his arm so Severide could settle his head against his chest. Casey traced a pattern with his fingers in Severide's greying hair, taking a deep breath, inhaling the scent of his shampoo. "Sorry I got too tired today," he continued.

"You did a lot more than you needed to do," Severide responded.

"But not as much as I wanted to do," he countered.

"Well, if you feel up to it tomorrow you can start sorting out that work shed. I'd take the girls with you though, don't want you being attacked spiders…"

"You think I'm scared of spiders?" he laughed. "I learnt a long time ago there's much worse things than spiders in the dark."

Severide lifted his head and turned, he focused on Casey's eyes, gently pushing a strand of hair behind his ear.

"Besides, my dad…"

"Your dad? What did he do?"

Casey shook his head. "Nothing. It's all in the past now. None of it matters."

Much later that night, Severide awoke, aware that he was alone in the bed. He swung his legs out and got up, walking out of the bedroom wearing just his boxers. He found Casey sitting on the couch in the semi darkness. "All right, baby?"

"Yeah…"

"Are you sure?" Severide questioned.

"It's just… it's silly…" he stopped, shaking his head.

"It's strange sleeping in a new place, right?"

"Yeah. It's too quiet here…"

Severide smiled at him. "Even with my snoring?"

"You don't snore much."

"How about I unpack the radio? Can switch it on in the bedroom?"

"No, but thank you…"

"Stop saying thank you. I get it, you love me," Severide teased, making Casey's face light up.

"I feel like we should have done something to mark our first night in the house we bought together…"

"Like what? Some rough sex…"

"God… no… everything below my waist feels like… I dunno… done a lot more than I actually have…"

Severide chuckled. "That's your best comparison?"

"Ha… it's 3am, give me a break." He laughed.

"It is 3am. So, c'mon…" Severide bent down to scoop Casey up from the couch.

"Woah… Kel… what are you doing?"

"Carrying you to bed…"

"Wait stop… you'll drop me…"

"Drop me? What the hell, Matt? Remember what I do for a living…"

"Yes, but…"

"You're considerably lighter nowadays anyway," he teased.

The irony of the remark wasn't lost on Casey. "Very funny. Just don't hit my head on the door."  


* * *

 

When the morning came Casey had woken up and once again felt terrible, he felt as though he'd run a marathon. Twice. His whole body was wracked with aches and pains so Severide helped him to get his clothes on, he felt incapable of doing much for himself. He pulled on Casey's boxers for him, then a t-shirt went on over his head and then came the part where he had to try and get Casey's pants on. Casey had to wrap his arms around Severide's shoulders to help himself to balance once his leg was in the sweatpants, then Severide had to lean down, pull them up by the waistband and tied the drawstring around so they wouldn't slip back down. Then he helped Casey gently back down onto the bed.

"Don't know why I bother to get dressed…" Casey grumbled tiredly. "And so much for sorting out the work shed."

Severide was kneeling down on the floor, slipping a sock onto Casey's scarred foot, he turned to look up at him. "Well, we can have a quiet morning, if you feel up to it later on we can go for a walk around the new hood, or a roll…" Severide suggested, knowing how lousy Casey felt.

"Maybe," Casey responded shrugging, "Or could just sleep."

Severide stood up and took hold of Casey's crutches. "Could go for a drive?"

"Yeah, I guess," Casey replied unenthusiastically, taking the crutches from Severide.

"Or we could just stay home. I know you wanted to be productive and get more stuff unpacked today but…"

"But it's ok that I can't," Casey finished.

"Yup, you got it." Severide helped Casey to stand up on his crutches and stood there right in front of him until he found his balance. "Anyway, you may feel great later."

Casey had to smile at Severide's eternal optimism. "Yeah, I might do. And pigs might fly." He sighed. "Now, you gonna get out of my way, your feet are a trip hazard," he teased.

"Hold on..." Severide said, taking his shoulders. "This is our first morning in our first house..."

"So you're gonna make pancakes, right?" Casey grinned wearily.

Severide's face dropped.

"What?" Casey asked, wondering what the look was for.

"We have no food… I never went to the store yesterday," Severide responded.

"We could have the leftovers from dinner?" he suggested.

"Do you really want pasta for breakfast?"

"I didn't really want pasta for dinner either…" Casey joked.

"Right, you rest up here and I'll go for food."

"I should come with you…"

"You really should just rest, pushing yourself isn't gonna do you any good, you know that," Severide said quite determinedly.

"Yeah, yeah… all right, well, I want pancakes then."

"I'll get some basics too, and something nice for dinner, yeah?"

Casey nodded, then as Severide was about to leave, he stopped him. "Kelly..."

"Yeah? What, baby?"

"Love you. Thanks for taking care of me on days like this..."

Severide walked back over to where Casey still stood propped on his crutches, moving close enough that his lips could touch Casey's face.

"Love you too... and because I do I'll always take care of you, for the rest of our lives, ok?" He gave Casey a quick smile and went out of the bedroom.


	56. Book Club

July arrived along with an excessive heat warning for Chicago and most of Illinois. Severide was sitting in the common room in the middle of the day, his polo shirt sticking to him. He enjoyed hot weather but even for him, this heatwave was just too much. At least there were some guys in trying to fix the Firehouse's air conditioning which had stopped working earlier in the week. He felt a pang of sadness, automatically thinking that Casey would just go ahead the fix the damn thing, before realising he couldn't and he wasn't even at the firehouse. He would never be at the firehouse again.

"Severide…" Herrmann began as he strolled into the common room, followed by most of the truck crew, having just returned from a call. "It's been what? A month since you guys moved house? When is the party?"

"What party?" he asked, playing naïve, he knew exactly what Herrmann was asking.

Otis piped up, "House welcoming party."

"Matt doesn't want one," Severide responded.

"And you?" Otis asked.

Severide just smiled. "Well, it would have been an excuse for a party years ago but I don't want one either…" Severide was happy with how things were at home at the moment, things had been going well since they'd moved house, it had happened quickly and they were still getting used to everything, especially all the space they now had, they still hadn't unpacked all their belongings yet either. Casey wanted to paint some of the rooms before they took everything out of boxes. They were having fun decorating together and they'd met quite a few of their new neighbours too. A few during their walks around the block, and others had come knocking on their door, greeting them with smiles and homemade food, welcoming them to the area.

"Hmm…" Otis continued unconvinced. He laughed. "Can see who wears the pants in your relationship."

Severide just glared at him.

"Or maybe they don't want us guys in their fancy house in their fancy neighbourhood," Herrmann said, laughing. "Casey needs to come by Molly's, it's been so long," Herrmann added, defusing the situation, the tension in the air eased immediately.

Severide was about to thank Herrmann and make some excuse on Casey's behalf when the new candidate piped up. "Who is this Casey y'all talk about so much?" he questioned. It was only his second shift and Severide had decided already that he disliked the guy, although he figured that he should take a leaf out of Casey's book and at least give the young man a fair chance. Two shifts wasn't really a fair chance.

"He used to be our truck lieutenant, but he was injured," Herrmann explained very briefly.

"You're still roommates? What even happened to him?" the candidate asked Severide despite Herrmann's warning look.

"Roommates? He's my fiancé." Severide stood up. He picked up his paper and soda can and strode off, leaving the candidate open mouthed and speechless. No matter what, Severide was just never going to like the guy.

* * *

Severide's drive back to the new house after shift was easy and uneventful. He pulled up in the driveway, realising it hadn't taken him much longer than it used to when he drove back to the apartment as the traffic was lighter even though the distance was greater. He got out of the car and took the steps two at a time. The cats were mewing by their bowls and there was no sign of Casey, so Severide went straight to their bedroom. The curtains were still closed and the lamp on the nightstand was still switched on. Casey was lying huddled under a blanket despite the hot weather, curled up on his left side to try and relieve the stomach cramps and nausea that overwhelmed him. Severide's heartbeat quickened as he knelt down by the bedside and reached for Casey's hand.

"Baby?" Severide questioned, his voice soft, little more than a whisper.

"M'sick…" he groaned into the pillow, his throat raw, voice thick. "Sorry 'bout the mess…"

Severide looked around the dimly lit bedroom. He couldn't see any mess but he could smell the stench of it. Then he spotted the heap of bedding on the floor at the bottom of the bed. "Both ends, huh?"

Casey moaned into the pillow again.

"You managing to drink enough?"

Casey moved his head in a tiny nod.

"There was a twenty-four hour bug going around the firehouse the other week," Severide spoke sadly, "I probably did this to you…"

"You were never sick…" Casey croaked out.

"No, but I must have brought it home to you. This is my fault."

"Move…" Casey snapped suddenly, pushing the blanket off and scrambling up, grabbing his crutches, knocking one over in the process. He groaned, shaking his head and trying to reach it.

"Hey... I got it…" Severide grabbed the crutch and stood up, quickly grabbing Casey and helping him into the ensuite bathroom. He slammed the door shut as he rushed in, moving far quicker than Severide had ever imagined he would be able to, especially since he was so sick. Severide hovered in the room, waiting just in case Casey couldn't make it back out of the bathroom, but after a while, he heard the toilet flush and the faucets turn on.

Casey emerged looking pale and ill, but still apologising. "Sorry…" he muttered.

"C'mon, back to bed…" Severide helped him the few feet back to the huge bed, laying him down and leaning his crutches back against the nightstand.

Casey forced himself to take a sip of water, but it felt like it would choke him, and it hurt his raw throat.

Severide sat down at the end of the bed. "The kitchen's looking amazing, you got loads done yesterday, and I do like the colours, shouldn't have laughed when you showed me what you'd chosen."

"Really? You like it?" Casey mumbled, not really too interested about what Severide thought of his work right at that moment. At least the sips of water had stayed down.

"Of course. Now, get some rest, yell if you need me, I'm gonna try and sort the basement out today, that ok?"

"Uh huh…" Casey mumbled, already half-way to sleep.

* * *

A short while later Severide was waking Casey up. He helped him to wash, sitting him on the shower chair in the bathroom, using the showerhead and a cloth to gently wash him. He felt so tired and heavy limbed that Severide found himself keeping him sitting up so he didn't fall forwards, but at least the effects of the stomach bug seemed to have lessened but Severide figured there was nothing left in him for his body to reject.

Once back in bed Severide slipped the thermometer in Casey's mouth. He smiled when he saw the reading. "That's better already, baby. Hopefully you'll get over this quickly…"

"Twenty-four hour bug," Casey muttered tiredly.

"Yeah, so maybe forty-eight hours for you," he teased.

When Casey fell asleep Severide stood up. He sighed, picking up the heap of soiled bedding, finding a pair of soiled boxers in the pile with the sheets and blankets. Hadn't the poor guy been through enough? And now this. One thing he was still so grateful for now was how Casey trusted him completely, he was comfortable around him and that show Severide more love than any gift or words could do. He folded bedding in on itself and quietly left the room to start another batch of washing, now the other load had finished, before he went back to work on their basement.

* * *

A few days later Severide and Casey were walking along to one of their new neighbours' houses just a short walk away. Casey was wearing khaki board shorts, he'd become so much happier with his appearance over time and no longer worried about his scars, especially since Severide didn't care about them, and his opinion meant the most in the world to him. Severide was carrying a container with an apple pie they had bought inside. Casey had wanted to make one but, in the end, he hadn't had the energy to bother even though he was quite capable.

"Are you sure you're feeling up to this?" Severide asked him as they reached the driveway. They could already hear music and laughter.

"Kel, this is our first neighbourhood BBQ, this is it, this is suburban life, this is normal, this is what normal people do," he responded, eager and excited to meet more of their neighbours

"Yeah, but since when have you been normal…" Severide grinned wickedly. "Just don't crap your pants in public."

Casey snickered. "No explosive shit. I promise," he grinned back.

"Matt, are you really up for this?"

"We missed their July 4th party, they're gonna start to think we're hermits or something…"

Severide smiled. "You're happy, aren't you?"

"I am." He grinned widely. "C'mon, let's go do the rounds."

When they entered the back yard they were greeted by friendly faces and smiles. One of the wives took the pie away into the kitchen, thanking them both. "You didn't have to bake anything guys…"

"Don't worry, we didn't," Casey told her, laughing.

They were introduced around to everyone and were soon standing by the BBQ chatting to other guests. "You're a firefighter, right?" one of the women asked Severide. He nodded.

"Not just a firefighter," Casey added. "He's a Squad Lieutenant," he said proudly.

"So was Matt... Truck Lieutenant," Severide responded.

"Yeah, but you don't want to hear that sob story." Casey laughed.

"What do you do now, Matt? Not that have to do anything…"

"I'd be bored out my mind if I did nothing," Casey answered, easing the sudden awkwardness. "I used to do construction but now I have a small carpentry business."

"Oh, really? Perhaps you could give my husband some advice… John?" she called over to a larger balding man.

"Yeah?" John came over quickly, smiling, slightly out of breath.

"Take Matt into the garage, show him your most recent project," she told him.

Severide gave Casey a grin before he was taken away into the house along with a couple of the other guys. When Casey came back, Severide was helping himself to some of the buffet food. "Having fun with the men?" Severide teased him.

"Oh yes, we just need some cigars and brandy now, then we can discuss the stock exchange and how our shares are performing," Casey replied, putting on a British upper-class accent. "I'm sure you're having fun out here with the ladies," he added, chuckling.

Casey's accent put a smile to Severide's face. "Do you want anything to eat?"

"I'll just have some your salad..."

"Get your own plate." Severide laughed.

"When I can just pinch of yours? Don't think so." Casey grinned, following Severide to a couple of empty garden seats.

When Severide finished eating he passed his plate to Casey so he could finish up the salad Severide had left for him.

"Hope you two are enjoying the food," the hostess said with a smile as she came to sit with them.

"It's all delicious, thank you for inviting us," Casey responded as he ate the salad up. "You've gone to a lot of trouble with it all."

Severide smiled at how polite Casey always was to people and he nodded in agreement. "How are you finding the neighbourhood?" she asked them.

"Very friendly," Severide replied.

"And quiet," Casey added.

"It is very close-knit here," she responded. "If you ever need help with anything, just let one of us know." She smiled at Casey.

"Likewise," he answered. "How old are your kids?" he asked, looking over to where they were playing bat and ball with a couple of other smaller children.

"John junior is eight and Clara is six next week. The house will be empty when they go back to school next month," she said.

"Yeah, I bet." Casey nodded in agreement.

"You should come over, Matt. Once school is back on. some of us get together a few times a week. We have a book club, and we go jogging as well…"

"Oh, I don't really jog, more just stumble these days and that's when I'm walking," he responded self-deprecatingly. Severide smiled at him as his cheeks reddened a little.

"Sorry… you look like you would run..." she apologised. 

"Thank you." Casey grinned, looking across at Severide. "I'll take that as a compliment."

"Well, I can let you know what book we'll be reading and perhaps you'd be interested in that, although, I don't think all of the books will interest you," she said.

"Thank you very much for the offer," Casey responded politely.

"I better go see to desert." She smiled and got up to go back into the kitchen.

"Wanna join my book club, Matt?" Severide asked, putting on a woman's voice, laughing.

He chuckled. "She's trying to be nice."

"Yeah, yeah, nice…"

"What?"

"I think I need to get you out of here," Severide announced.

"What? Why?"

"Rescue you before everyone here starts flirting with you…"

"Oh shut up… no one ever flirts with me…" He began to blush.

"So modest," Severide retorted, still grinning, shaking his head and putting one arm over Casey's shoulders.

* * *

They walked back to their house slowly together, they'd not been out for long but Casey did grow tired easily, although he wouldn't readily admit that to anyone and he didn't need to say anything to Severide. Severide knew him inside out and could tell he'd had enough. He wanted to wrap his arm around him a lead him back home, he settled for just holding his hand instead as they made the short walk home.

"Can you hear that?" Casey asked.

"Is that your leg?" he questioned, chuckling.

"Uh huh… it's squelching in there…" Casey laughed. He was going to be happy to sit back down at home so he could take off his prosthetic, his residual limb was rubbing inside the socket. He had enjoyed the heat, he'd not felt cold for a while now, but he disliked this aspect of it, it made his skin sore and irritated.

"Yeah, well, just don't fling your sweaty liner in the sink… that's, like, you're only bad habit," Severide told him.

"My only bad habit, huh? That's not too terrible then…"

"It's gonna be a very long day tomorrow," Severide commented.

"Gonna miss me?" Casey smiled a little tiredly. "I'd have thought you'd enjoy the break."

"Only when you're in a mood," he teased. "You wanna go out tonight? See Evan and the guys?"

"Can't we just spend some time together?" Casey asked.

Severide smiled. "Yeah? You're not sick of just my company?"

"The Chaplain's coming over tomorrow," Casey told him.

"Oh yeah?" Severide was slightly surprised to hear this piece of news as Casey hadn't mentioned it before.

"He's giving me a hand with the veranda, and he's got someone he knows coming too, gonna have a look at the roof, make sure it's all fine for winter," Casey clarified with a nod.

"You have got all this planned, haven't you?"

Casey smiled. "Yeah, but I actually know what I'm doing with this sort of thing…"

"I love it when you're in charge." He smiled mischievously, squeezing his hand.

Casey laughed. "How's that new truck candidate?" he asked.

Severide opened his mouth but didn't responded.

"You don't like him?"

"It's not that I don't like him… he's just… he's very eager…"

"Weren't we all?" he questioned. "Remember that far back?"

"Just about. I do know that you never grew out of your eagerness." Severide rubbed a hand over the back of his neck sheepishly.

"No?"

"I've never known anyone so on top of their paperwork, you never slacked on anything," he explained, grinning at him

"I should hope you don't slack on anything, Lieutenant Severide," Casey said teasingly as they had reached their driveway and they headed back inside away from the heat, hand in hand.

* * *

A week had passed by and the heat wave was still in full force. Severide was sitting at the island unit in the kitchen, one hand holding a mug of coffee and with the other he was stroking Midnight's velvet soft ears as she lay purring on top of the counter next to him. Casey hadn't been home when he'd returned back from his shift, it wasn't unusual but Severide had wanted the company when he arrived back. He'd gone in search of him in the work shed after realising he wasn't in the house, but he'd not been there either, or at the end of their jetty, where he sometimes liked to sit, with his leg in the water. Severide figured he must have gone for a walk, or along to the local stores before the temperature increased.

He soon heard the rattle of keys and the door opened with a creek, reminding them every time it opened that they needed to get it sorted out. Casey headed over to the kitchen with a smile on his face.

"Where have you been?" Severide asked when he appeared. Casey was wearing sweatpants and a vest and was sweating heavily, hair all over the place, face red, but Severide didn't give it much more thought though because of the way Casey was moving.

"Good morning to you too," Casey said, grinning.

"Why are you limping?" he questioned.

Casey let out a huff of laughter. "Erm…"

"I mean, more than usual," he responded as he stood up. Midnight jumped down from the counter and made her way over to Pumpkin who was lying stretched out in a patch of warm sunlight. 

Casey replied after a moment. "I fell."

"Is that mud or blood on your knee?" he asked, passing Casey a cold bottle of water.

Casey looked down at his loose light grey sweatpants. "Blood. Sorry."

"Sit down. I'll get the first aid kit."

Casey didn't protest, except for a small smile and an eye roll, both unseen by Severide. He slipped his sweatpants down and sat at the dining table. He took off his prosthetic, leaving the liner on for now. "It's just a graze, Kel…" he said as he inspected his knee.

Severide was already back with the first aid kit, kneeling down in front of him. "Yeah, well, you know the drill." Severide smiled up at him. "What were you doing?" he asked as he cleaned up Casey's knee.

"You know it doesn't take much…"

"Need any painkillers?" Severide asked him.

Casey shook his head.

He continued to clean up the graze on Casey's knee, sticking a small band-aid over it to keep the wound clean. "All right. All sorted… why are you smiling?"

"This."

"You fell over."

"Yeah, but you're patching me up, like always, it's like in the movies when the kid falls and…"

"I wish you had a better childhood," the words fell out of Severide's mouth.

"I don't. I did love most of it. And besides, if things had been different I may never have met you."

Severide just looked him up and down, taking in his outfit properly for the first time. "What were you doing exactly?" he asked with a frown across his face.

"Walking very fast," Casey answered as Severide cleared up the first aid items.

"Were you running? Matt… I don't think you should be running without permission or help or..."

"I wasn't running… I was just… just stumbling. Stumbling with speed..."

"What were you thinking?" Severide questioned much more harshly than intended. It was worry and concern rather than anger.

He sighed. "Clearly, I wasn't thinking, was I?"

"Didn't mean it like that, just, why did you have to keep it from me?" Severide asked, putting the first aid kit down to deal with later.

"I wanted to do it so I did, well, I tried," he answered lightly, not wanting this turn into a major issue.

"Matt, if you want to run then do it, need to check with…"

"The doctor. And Ty," Casey finished. "I won't ever run, Kelly, not properly. I could... maybe... but it'll be to risky, and it's not worth it. I don't want to damage myself any further than I already am."

Severide nodded. "I'm sorry."

"I've known for a while, maybe forever. But it's ok, I don't mind," he continued. "I think I might get another foot though."

"Oh yeah?"

"Uh huh." He nodded. "Tried some different types at my last appointment, there was this one and it just felt… easier. It felt nice. I've made another appointment, you'll have to come with me and check it out?"

"Sounds like a date," Severide responded, grinning.

"You don't have to come, I just…"

"I would love to come, really, it makes me happy that you asked," Severide told him.

"So, you gonna tell me what's happened?" Casey asked him after a moment of silence.

"What?"

"Something's wrong. I knew as soon as I saw you." Casey studied Severide's face for a moment.

"So you let me distract myself with your knee?"

"Pretty much," Casey responded with a knowing smile.

"We lost Lieutenant Martinez. Roof collapsed. By the time we got to him… it was too late. Weren't quick enough." And when he had finally uncovered his body all Severide could see lying there was Casey in that concrete tomb. But he didn't tell him that.

Casey was silent for a short time as he reflected on the tragic news. "His wife gave birth a few weeks ago," he commented.

"Yeah. And he has a little girl too. Had."

"What do you want to do? We could go over to theirs, see if they need anything?" Casey asked him.

"Sounds like a good idea, Matt."

"I wasn't there, but I know you did everything you could."

"I didn't. I was too slow. What if he was…" What if was alive and crying out for help but succumbed before it ever came? But Severide couldn't say that out aloud.

"You can't save everyone," Casey said, drawing Severide into a light embrace, nothing too overpowering, just some small physical contact to help him.

"Would have loved you have seen you run this morning," Severide said at length.

''Ha, yeah, that would have given you a real laugh. Was stumbling all over the place before I hit the ground, you'd have freaked out big time, but then you'd have laughed." Casey grinned. "I'm gonna make you some breakfast so go make yourself comfortable on the couch, recorded that game for you yesterday…"

"But we lost," Severide said.

"Yeah... really badly."

Severide laughed. "Hmm… maybe best to pretend the game didn't happen then."

* * *

Lieutenant Martinez's funeral was a sombre affair. Casey accompanied Severide to both the funeral and the wake afterwards. They had both known the man and his family well. Severide was unusually quiet throughout the days leading up to, and on the day of, the funeral. He had even lost his appetite, which was something very unusual for Severide, but nevertheless, Casey made sure he ate. At the wake in the afternoon Casey adjusted Severide's tie, and stroked his arm comfortingly. Their relationship was well known but they never flaunted it, and never would, especially not here on such a day.

"I'm gonna get some fresh air," Casey told Severide as they stood in the lounge of the Martinez house. It had been a long day and he was exhausted.

Severide nodded, but remained where he was standing, watching as Casey left the house through the back porch. Casey let out a long sigh, looking around the back yard. He spotted Martinez's young daughter sitting on a swing, part of the play area he and some of the other guys had designed and put together for her in secret for her fourth birthday almost four years ago, it was actually one of the last jobs Casey could remember doing before he'd lost his leg. He smiled as he thought about it and how excited the little girl had been about it all when it had finally been revealed.

She was looking at him so he headed over to her. "Hey, Laura," he began, smiling, "Don't know if you remember me, I'm Matt, I worked with your dad."

"I remember you. My dad said you have a robot leg," Laura responded a little shakily. Casey could tell she had been crying.

Casey chuckled. "Yeah, I have."

She was looking at his legs with a small frown on her face and a questioning looking in her huge dark brown eyes.

"Can't really tell though, can you?" Casey said to her. She shook her head seriously.

"Can I see it?" she asked him.

"Sure." He lifted up his right pant leg just enough so she could see the lower half of the prosthesis.  
  
She reached out a hand to touch it and smiled.  
  
"What do you think? Pretty cool, huh?" Casey rapped on the prosthetic with his knuckles.

"Very cool," she responded with a tiny smile.

Casey whispered to her, "You have to keep this a secret, I don't show many people, we don't want word to get out."

She smiled back at him. "Because everyone will be jealous."

Casey grinned. "I have been told that I'm like Iron Man."

"My dad was a superhero," she told Casey proudly, forgetting her tears for a little while.

"He was a superhero." Casey nodded. "He was the best kind of superhero. He saved lots of people and helped them on the worst day of their lives. And we're all going miss him. Especially you, but he'll always be with you, he'll be watching over you forever. He loves you very much."

Severide was standing on the back porch, watching Casey talking to Martinez's daughter. He smiled at the way Casey was interacting with her, so wrapped up in it that he almost didn't notice Shay walk out and stand by his side. "How are you doing Kelly?" she asked him softly.

"Me?" he questioned.

"Yes. You. Don't think I didn't see the look on your face when you came out of that building, or that I haven't noticed your low mood over the last week," she responded knowingly.

"Want the truth?" he began, "Right now, I feel selfish, because all I can think is; what if that had been Matt's funeral this morning? What if he hadn't made it…"

"It's not selfish," Shay told him.

"I should be grieving for Martinez's family, not for Matt, he's still right here but I can't help thinking how easily he could not be standing right there. I see his face on every victim. Every single one of them."

"Kelly, you love him, you're absolutely and completely in love with him," she responded. ''Of course you feel that way.''

Severide just smiled again, blushing as Shay held his arm and they watched Casey as he talked to Laura.

* * *

Casey woke up and looked across at the alarm clock. It was almost 3am. He sensed that Severide wasn't next to him. He couldn't feel that warmth or feel his presence. He rolled over and found him sitting on the edge of the bed. Severide was quite still and Pumpkin was lying in the warm hollow on his pillow where his head had been. She stirred slightly when Casey pulled himself up into a sitting position on the side of the bed so he could move next to Severide.

"Kel…" he said softly, not wanting to startle him as he put an arm around his bare waist. He thought he heard Severide stifle back some tears but he didn't say anything. He just remained by his side, sitting still until Severide was ready to talk. However long it took.

It wasn't for another half an hour that Severide spoke. "It's hard you know…"

Casey nodded. "Talk to me."

"Matt, I'm so terrified of losing you. And I have nightmares too. Lucky I don't wake up screaming because sometimes I think I will," Severide admitted.

"Sometimes you do talk in your sleep," he told him softly.

Severide looked at him. "You never said anything?"

"You never say anything when you help me to the bathroom. It's private," Casey said, taking his hand comfortingly. "Come on outside…" he said, shifting over so he could reach his crutches.

"Huh?"

"Come on," Casey insisted, hoisting himself up onto his crutches at the other side of the bed now.

Severide reluctantly followed Casey out of the door, and onto the veranda, sitting down on the comfy swing seat next to him.

"What are we doing, Matty... it's three in the morning." Severide sighed.

"Just a take a breath and look at that, Kelly..." Casey pointed a hand at the silver lake, sparkling ripples in the moonlight. "If... if something does happen to me I'll never leave you. I'll always be with you. I'll always be right here... I'll just be the other side of the wall… in another room."

Severide stared at the profile of Casey's face and realised in that moment just how much he did love him. "You know it wouldn't be the same. I'd miss you like hell," he responded.

''To start with maybe, but you'd be fine with it eventually. No one can go on for ever, and I've come so close to death so many times in the last few years, think I've accepted it all, and the possibility that it could happen again," Casey said, turning to him. "I've accepted it, so if something does happen I need you to know that I was happy. I am happy. And that's down to you."

"Well, all I'll say is that you gotta make sure nothing happens, all right? Because I'm happy too and don't want anything to change."


	57. The Future Looks Bright

Severide and Casey were standing in the hallway outside of Shay's apartment, both dressed very casually. Severide held a six pack of beer under one arm. Casey had knocked on the door and it didn't take long for Shay to open it. They were met with music and an attractive red-haired woman neither of them had met before. "Hey guys…" Shay greeted them. "This is Marianela," she introduced happily.

"Very nice to meet you," Casey said politely, nodding at her and offering his irresistible trademark dimpled smile.

"You too," Marianela replied.

"Come on in guys…" Shay told them quite needlessly since her apartment was almost like a second home. Severide walked over to the small kitchen area, putting the beer into the refrigerator, whilst Casey went to make himself comfortable in the lounge.

They were all soon sitting in Shay's small but comfortable lounge. Casey had the easy chair all to himself whilst Severide and Marianela sat together on the couch, with Shay sitting on the foot stool in the middle of them all, where she was carefully pouring more drinks into glasses standing on a tray in front of her on the floor. Once they were all about full she handed them out and they clinked glasses with each other.

"So, Kelly here… the only guy he's ever slept with is Matt, which is very cute, and I think that says a lot about you," Shay announced with a slight slur as she took another drink from her glass, grinning at Casey.

Shay announced with bit of a slur as she took another gulp from her glass, grinning at Casey, her elfin face full of mischief.

Casey ignored her final comment and sat there frowning as Marianela spoke. "Is that really true?" she asked Severide, looking as if she was almost going to crawl onto his lap now, making Shay giggle.

"Yeah, is that really true?" Casey questioned, smiling.

"It is actually," Shay answered for Severide before he could get his brain to formulate a reply.

"I guess that means he tops then," Marianela added, with a bit of a snicker.

"And he's so good at it too…" Casey responded, nodding knowingly and sitting back in the chair, chuckling.

"Hey, weren't we supposed to be going out? The comedy club, was starting at 10pm… It's almost midnight already…" Severide checked his watch, changing the subject, somewhat uncomfortable at the direction the conversation was going in right now.

"All right, all right… old man…" Shay snickered, spilling a little wine as she topped up her glass.

"Not going anywhere. I did say once she opened the tequila, that would be that," Casey pointed out with a wide grin.

"And you know," Shay began. "Matt is always right."

"Yeah, freakishly so," Severide responded, grinning around at the others now as they all burst into laughter.

* * *

Severide screwed his eyes up as the light blinded him when he awoke, and he moaned at the bright onslaught. After a while trying to figure out where he was, he realised he was still in Shay's apartment, and still on the couch. Marianela and Shay were lying by him, definitely wearing a lot less clothing than he could remember. He himself was only wearing his boxers. And as for Casey, well, Casey was on the floor, entirely naked except for the hand knitted throw he had wrapped around his shoulders like a cape, he was lying sprawled on his front without his prosthetic.

"Matt… Matt…" Severide hissed, as loudly as he dared.

Casey groaned as he woke to the sound of Severide's voice hissing his name. "Why the hell's it so bright?" he grumbled, rubbing at his face with his hands.

"Think we made some very bad decisions last night…." Severide continued, scrubbing at his own eyes.

"What decisions?" Casey repeated frowning down at the throw as he turned over, realising it was the only thing covering him. "Don't remember making any decisions last night…"

"My head…" Severide groaned.

"You feeling old?" Casey asked him, turning his head to look up at Severide on the couch.

Severide looked at him. "Maybe."

"Where's my leg?" Casey suddenly realised he hadn't got his prosthetic on, and he tried to pull the throw from his shoulders so he could make himself half decent.

"Wonder if anyone has ever lost their leg on a drunken night out? Does insurance cover that sort of thing?" Severide chuckled, laughing as he sat up slowly.

"I think that would be misuse… so probably not." He smiled when he discovered his prosthetic.

"You all right?" Severide asked when he fell silent.

"I feel like a dirty teenager…" he responded quietly. "How much did I have to drink last night?"

"Think we all had too much..." Severide told him. He stood up and strolled into Shay's kitchen, hunting for painkillers and food, feeling ravenous.

Casey soon managed to get himself up off the floor and into the kitchen, the throw now secured around his waist. He sat down, putting his elbows on the table, head in his hands and closing his eyes.

"Have you peed?" Severide questioned him, his voice a little hoarse from the alcohol.

Casey looked up at him with a bemused expression. "Yeah…"

"Good. Not killed your kidney then."

"Didn't drink _that_ much," he responded. "I can remember everything… except my lack of clothes..."

Severide grinned. "Strip poker."

"Well, we're supposed to be mattress shopping today," Casey announced, keeping his voice low so he didn't wake the sleeping Shay and Marianela.

Severide let out an audible groan.

"New bedframe's coming next week and our mattress will be too small," Casey reminded him, watching as he swallowed down some more painkillers.

"Can you do it tomorrow, baby?"

"You need to try them out as well," Casey retorted, frowning. The frown that Severide found adorable, especially when accompanied by a small pout, just like it was right now.

"You know I can sleep on anything," he told him. "Just get whatever you like best, ok?"

"Kel, I don't exactly wanna traipse around department stores either," Casey moaned.

Severide looked at him lovingly, despite the hammering that seemed to be going on in his head right now, he hoped the two lots of painkillers would kick in soon. "How about we go home, shower… go out for lunch, then traipse around department stores?"

"But you're not bothered about what mattress we get? I might as well go on my own…"

"No, Matt…"

"Domestic dispute… when are you guys getting married?" Shay questioned, having appeared unnoticed by the two of them.  
  
They both shot her a look, she just smiled back at them and went over to the refrigerator, getting a drink.

"Are you ever gonna tie the knot?" Shay asked again between sips of orange juice.

"It's been mentioned casually," Casey responded.

"You should do it, before you both let yourselves go, you need good wedding photos," she told them.

"Who's says I'm gonna let myself go?" Severide exclaimed.

Casey chuckled. "Yeah, he's not allowed, knows I won't love him if he gains a few pounds," he teased mercilessly.

"He is already grey," Shay pointed out.

"This is premature grey hair, probably his doing... and I look good!"

"You do look good, babe, don't you worry," Casey responded, planting a kiss on his cheek.

"You two are terrible," Severide said, siting back in the chair and crossing his arms.

"Well, I feel bad teasing Matt," Shay told him.

Casey was nodding. "Yeah, one leg and all that…"

"Only I'm allowed to tease you," Severide said, lifting his hands to gently turn Casey's head and plant a kiss on his lips.

Casey recoiled. "Eugh…" he protested against the close proximity of Severide's mouth to his own nose, before he had brushed his teeth.

He still had his hand firmly around the back of Casey's head, fingers entwined in his thick blond hair. He leant forwards to kiss him again. "You love me." Casey pulled his head backwards just enough to enable his mouth to avoid contact with Severide's lips

"Yeah but I don't love your morning breath."

* * *

Casey and Severide didn't go to the shopping mall until late in the afternoon. Severide was walking beside Casey with an iced coffee his hand. He hadn't quite recovered from his hangover yet, and was wearing his sunglasses inside, Casey had slipped his back so they were sitting in his blond hair. His blond hair that Severide kept running his hands through, and stated he would only stop doing that if he got it cut, and even then, he might not be able to resist temptation. They walked slowly side by side, Casey had his brace on, on show since he was wearing shorts. The weather was still too hot for much more during the day, especially with the added bulk of the brace, prosthetic socket and liners.

Severide stopped Casey, holding his arm gently. "That last one was perfect…"

Casey nodded. "I know but it might be cheaper somewhere else, and they're trying to charge us $50 for delivery," he responded.

"Won't it fit in your truck?" he asked, often joking before that Casey's truck was like the Tardis.

"Yeah, but some places offer free delivery so…"

"My little bargain hunter," Severide announced proudly.

"C'mon, there's just one more place I wanna go," he said, smiling sweetly. Casey did like to look for the best deal, he found it hard to spend money, especially now with such a dramatic decrease in income and increase in living expenditures. He would cut coupons out and save money everywhere he could, he never wanted to be a strain on Severide, never wanted to be a burden, but with their differences in salary it was hard not to have those thoughts. Most the time it didn't bother him, and he knew how to get by with little money, he'd had to do that once he'd turned 18, he had experience already, and this was nothing like it was back then. He wasn't alone and would never be again, and he did have a constant income with his disability pay, supplemented with the money he got from his small carpentry business, which had taken off far greater than he had ever expected.

"Just one more place? Promise?" Severide questioned him.

"I promise… you're like a child…" Casey laughed, shaking his head at the man.

Severide grinned. "Are we there yet?" he asked as they approached the escalator to the first floor of the mall.

Casey gazed down at the escalator moving quickly.

"There's an elevator around the corner," Severide suggested quietly.

"Nah, I've got it…"

Severide said nothing more. He linked his arm into Casey's and they stepped onto the escalator together.

"Perfectly executed," Severide said, grinning, as they made their way to the first floor.

Casey just scoffed, but inside he was pleased he'd not decided to take the easier option. One time the escalator had been one of his biggest challenges, but he had overcome it, like a lot of other things.

Heading into the department store a boy, heading in the opposite direction stared at Casey's leg, his eyes full of curiosity. "Mommy, what did that man do to his leg?" he asked, tugging at his mom's hand.

The mother blushed as she looked at Casey. "Oh… erm… I'm so sorry…"

"It's fine," Casey said, smiling down at the boy. "When I was a kid, I didn't eat enough vegetables, and one day, my leg just fell off…"

"Really?"

"Uh huh," he responded with a nod.

"Come on, we need to get home," the mother said, taking the boys hand again, and giving Casey a smile.

"It fell off?" Severide said, grinning at him as the mother and child walked away.

Casey shrugged. "I think that might be my favourite explanation."

"Well, he's certainly gonna eat all his veg now…"

* * *

Casey was in the small spare bathroom when Severide arrived home from his shift at the firehouse. Their new bedframe was arriving later today and he would help Casey put it together, Casey hadn't wanted to pay extra for assembly. Severide could smell the fresh paint as he entered and was pleased Casey was getting it done, he was always in a good mood when he felt like he'd been productive, but on some days, it was still a struggle to get out of bed. Despite what everyone told him, Casey hated those days, the days where the most he could do was lie still, where he needed Severide to help him dress, and to even help him to the bathroom. He accepted that those days happened but that didn't mean he didn't hate them.

"Hey, Matty, got some stuff I wanna show you," he announced as he shut the front door.

Casey appeared a short while later with a broad smile on his face. He gave Severide a kiss.

"You have paint on your nose," Severide told him, grinning at his dishevelled hair and unkempt look.

"Oh… shit…" he exclaimed, moving his hand up to wipe it away.

Severide chuckled. "Leave it, it's kinda cute."

"Thanks," he said rolling his eyes as he sat down at the dining table. "What's all this?" he asked, looking down at the leaflets and brochures Severide had started to lay out in front of him.

"I dropped by to that company we looked at ages ago, that does the whole surrogacy thing…"

"Very proactive of you," Casey responded, but Severide noted the unsureness in his voice.

"We're in a good place right now, you're doing really well, I'm feeling good about everything, so I'm taking control and we're doing this, all right?"

Casey smirked. "I like it when you take control."

Sensing Casey was avoiding the conversation, Severide continued. "Matt, I really think we can do this. You still want a family? Ever since I've known you that's what you've wanted, and we tried but it wasn't the right time… health wise, head wise… the future looks bright now…"

"Yeah…"

"Please say something a little more than an unenthusiastic yeah," Severide tried.

"We could just be setting ourselves up for disappointment again, setting you up for disappointment in me again," he said, explaining his thoughts. There'd been too much disappointment in his life, and he didn't want Severide to be disappointed either, not because of him. "Maybe it won't ever be the right time."

"I was never disappointed in you, I was proud of you, I think it was a lot stronger to back out of the whole adoption idea than it would have been to carry on," Severide responded. "But if you've changed your mind, if you don't want a kid or kids…"

"I've not changed my mind, I'll always want kids… maybe I shouldn't have them but I do want them… it just feels like that's what should happen, it's always been like that," he replied.

"Why do you say maybe you shouldn't have them?" Severide questioned, concerned at Casey's thought process.

He chuckled and shrugged his shoulders self-deprecatingly.

"Matt?"

"That whole abused kid growing up and turning into an abusive parent thing..." he said, swallowing down his feelings and looking away.

Severide took his hand from across the table. "You're not your parents."

"We don't know that," he objected.

"I know that. I know you, and I see the way you are with kids, with anyone, you don't have it in you to be… to be abusive…"

"I do."

"Maybe everyone does, but you, like most people, are good," Severide told him firmly. He cracked a smile and moved on, "Hey, you ever think what a kid with my genes is gonna turn out like… it could be a disaster!"

"Not possible," he responded, smiling now, his dark thoughts gone thanks to Severide. "So, what's the next step?" he said positively now. 

"Well, we can start looking at surrogates now or we can wait…"

"Wait for what?" Casey asked.

"They need to check my… sperm," he answered, for some reason finding it more embarrassing than he thought he would, even in front of Casey. He didn't want to be seen as inadequate despite how he had reassured Casey in the past that there was no pressure because of the results of his injuries meant he couldn't naturally have a child, not without further risky surgery. He knew Casey would never judge him but that didn't stop the way he felt about having the tests done.

"Ah, I see, you gonna want a hand with that?" Casey questioned, not at all embarrassed by the idea, but he'd spent his recent years being poked and prodded by medical professionals.

"Not sure they allow that sort of thing… you'll just have to Facetime me," he teased.

Casey laughed. "I find it hard to believe you'll struggle without me."

There was a knock at the door.

"That's probably the UPS guy," Casey spoke.

Severide just smiled at him wryly as he stood up to answer the door. He returned and placed a box on the table. "Bathroom fixings?"

"Well, it's definitely not the bedframe," he responded flatly.

"Could have ordered the wrong size," Severide teased. "You wanna hand finishing off in the bathroom today?"

"Probably easier on my own," he replied as he opened up the box.

"Hey! What are you saying about me?"

"It's a struggle when it's just me and the cats in there, we'll get stuck if it's all four of us," Casey told him.

"Remind me why we're doing the spare bathroom first?" he questioned, helping Casey to remove the bubble wrap.

"It's the one the guests will be using, don't need anyone else seeing my shower chair and safety rails," Casey responded.

"Still could have done ours first, not like we have many guests," Severide commented.

"I just want it to look good if people need to use it… sorry, you should have said if you really wanted the other…"

"No, Matt, it's fine, it really is, you're good with the whole presentation of things and stuff, I wouldn't have cared what our guests would see, or what state the bathroom was in…"

"I shouldn't care really, it's only Shay, mostly, sometimes…"

Severide cut him off. "I love that you care. One of us has to."

"You still like the house?"

"I love it even more now you've been doing all this work to it," Severide told him earnestly.

"It's not too much?"

"It's perfect," Severide reassured him, smiling as he looked around.

"You'd say that even if it wasn't," he responded with a huff.

Severide nodded. "But really, it all looks great, Matt."

"Still have loads to do…"

"There's no deadline, it's supposed to be fun," Severide said.

"It is keeping me out of trouble." He grinned.

"And we'll be turning the spare room into a baby room eventually," Severide told him.

Casey sat thoughtfully for a few moments, thinking about their future and smiling at the idea.

"Does that make you happy?" Severide asked him.

"Happier than I'd thought would ever be possible," he responded, grinning and almost tearing up with the joy of it all.

"Me too."


	58. A Sprained Ankle

The main bathroom was all completed, Severide had marvelled at the amazing job Casey had done. He was a man of many talents, and still blushed whenever he received a compliment of any kind. Severide smiled out at Casey through the large window that looked into the backyard, giving a him a perfect view of the lake and a perfect view of Casey as he worked. There was no longer an excessive heat warning, the temperature had returned to their usual summer heat so Casey wore only a pair of shorts and work boots, causing Severide a lot of distraction as cleaned the last of the dishes.

Casey was walking back and forth from his truck, carrying a new supply of wood over to his work shed. Severide had offered to help, but Casey had wanted to get going with it so he had started without him. That morning they'd been out together to pick up the wood Casey had ordered for his new project, their bookshelves, as well as some larger pieces he'd ordered in for his latest commission. Severide had been gushing almost the whole journey back from the supply store, trying not to make Casey feel too embarrassed, but he really was so proud of him and everything he had achieved in the last few years, overcoming so much to get to where he was now.

Severide stepped out onto the veranda and called over to Casey. "Where do you want me?" he asked, smiling.

"Just…" Casey didn't get to answer Severide's question. As he'd started to speak he had turned on his left leg, his ankle twisted, and he suddenly fell down into a heap with the wood he'd been carrying.

Severide could do nothing but watch as Casey fell down. He didn't reach his side fast enough to catch him but the damage had already been done before he hit the ground.

"Well, that's what happen when I'm lazy don't put my brace on…" Casey muttered once he recovered himself, still sitting on the ground amongst the pieces of wood.

Severide was kneeling next to Casey now, ready to help him. "No bone sticking out, that's good," he commented casually as he looked down at Casey's left leg, realising something was wrong from the pained expression on Casey's face.

"Think I've just sprained my ankle… sorry…"

"Matt, it's fine, all this can wait for another day, can't it?" Severide asked him.

"I guess so."

"Sure you're not hurt? Hips?" Severide said, attempting not to appear overly concerned. Falls happened regularly, he just didn't deal with them as well as Casey did.

"I'm all intact, don't worry… at least you were the only witness," he added, laughing a little.

"Let's get inside, get some ice on that ankle, and I'll finish off out here," Severide said, nodding.

"You gonna scoop me up and carry me through the threshold?" he asked Severide, laughing even more now, partly because he thought he might cry with the pain he felt in his leg right now, he'd rather that than cry about the whole situation. He was definitely going to be popping some of his strongest painkillers soon.

Severide grinned, despite seeing the pain in Casey's eyes. "Do I need to? I want to."

"Go on then. I'll play the feeble damsel in distress."

* * *

Casey was sitting out at the back of the house under the shade of the veranda when Severide arrived home from work. He smiled when he saw him reclined on the deck chair, reading. Pumpkin was lying across Casey's stomach, purring as he idly scratched her belly. Severide pushed open the back door and walked over to him.

"Hey…" Casey rolled his head on the cushion, looking at Severide, smiling, happy he was home. It always worried him when he was on shift, fearful that one day he wouldn't come back and he wouldn't see him again.

"Just a quick stop or breakfast," Severide told him, bending down and placing a kiss on the top of Casey's head.

"They stopped feeding you at the firehouse?"

"Well, I needed to check in on my main man too," Severide responded. "How's your ankle?" he asked, looking at the wheelchair for a brief moment.

"Sore…" Casey admitted.

Severide nodded, it had swollen not long after Casey had fallen and didn't look much better now despite being strapped up. "The only reason you used the chair? You're feeling all right? It's a few days since you sprained it…"

"I figured I should keep the weight off it for a bit," Casey answered.

"It really hurts?" he asked, concern evident in his tone as he brushed a hand lovingly through Casey's hair, hoping it would give him some comfort.

"Not so much when the pills kick in," Casey responded, smiling.

"Yeah, you high?"

"If I was, I'd walkin' on it," Casey retorted.

"Yeah… maybe you should see the doctor?" he broached.

"I wondered when you'd suggest that. It's just sprained, he'll tell me to wrap it, ice it, rest it, keep it elevated," Casey said with a defined nod.

"Which is exactly what you are doing," Severide continued.

"Uh huh."

"All right, then," Severide responded. "Want some pancakes? Out here, it feels like winter will be with sooner than we know it, we should take advantage of this weather… and that outfit," he told Casey, his eyes casting his gaze down Casey's body.

"I wear less to bed," Casey protested.

"Not in winter. Barely ever see your skin, you old man with your flannel pyjamas..." Severide teased, earning a grin from Casey. "Need any more cushions, another drink?"

"What do you want?"

"Huh?"

"You're being very… are you nervous? Kel… it's gonna be fine! All you gotta do is jizz is in a cup. I'll come with you, sit in the waiting room…"

"No, you don't need to come with me," Severide told him. He sighed, sitting down in Casey's wheelchair. "Suppose it just feels like there's a lot riding on this."

"You think something will be wrong?"

"No. But what if they turn round and tell us we're not suitable parents," Severide responded.

"With the amount of money they charge, I'm not sure they do that, I read the leaflets you gave me. And we knew last time, this is a different process, not like adoption. Are you having second thoughts?"

"No. I just, I don't want you to be disappointed, and I know, we had a very similar conversation on your end but…"

"Kel, have breakfast, relax for a bit, then go and create a specimen," Casey said, smiling. "Honesty, you made me feel so good about all of this, you always make me feel good about everything, and I really do think this will happen if it's meant to happen."

"I hope it's meant to happen, I want to make you happy," he replied.

"I am happy. I'm already happy," Casey insisted.

"You light up when you talk about kids, you really do." He smiled brightly as he spoke.

"There are so many ways I could do stuff with kids… ok, that sounds wrong… but I mean, Evan helps run a kids wheelchair basketball session, there's all sorts of things I could do to get involved with things like that, all right?" Casey paused for a moment. "Would you be happy with that? I mean, what if… you could…"

"Matt, what is it?"

"Nothing," he said, shaking his head.

"Matty…"

"You could go and have a kid with someone else, a woman…"

"I'd rather spend a lifetime with you. How the hell did that thought get into your head?" Severide questioned.

"I don't know," he answered, shrugging and shaking his head again. But Casey did know though, because Severide's fathers words still haunted him to this day.

"Well, at this rate I'm gonna have to eat breakfast when I get back…"

"Go, eat something, you don't need to make me anything," Casey told him.

Severide stood up and leaned over to give Casey another kiss, stroking his cheek before he went back inside the house.

* * *

It was late at night and they were lying in bed, the small lamp on Casey's nightstand was still on, bathing the room in a low light. Severide seemed to be asleep but Casey was wide awake and his face was contorted in pain, his breathing ragged and noisy.

Severide was only dozing and rolled over to him, waking slowly, one hand reaching out under the bedcovers to stroke Casey's shoulder. "Matt…" he began softly, aware he was in pain.

"Be fine when the pills kick in," Casey responded.

"You're calling the doctor in the morning, all right? Sprained ankle shouldn't hurt this much…"

"No… it's my fault. I walked on it today," he admitted.

"Still, shouldn't hurt this much… come here…" Severide moved so that Casey could lie his head on his chest. He wrapped his arm around him, kissing the top of his head tenderly. "We could go to the hospital now?"

"I've overdone it recently, it's made me tired, that effects pain levels... we know that," he stated.

"You've been doing a lot, the house, work, there's been a lot of change. But the pain you're in right now is real and we might be able to do something about it if it is your ankle," Severide replied.

"I just want to sleep," he responded.

"All right, ok," Severide accepted, trying to relax himself, holding Casey close, stroking his shoulder gently.

After a while Casey was still awake. "Are you asleep?" he asked Severide quietly, moving his head a little.

"Nope…"

"Tell me about today again?" Casey questioned.

"Well…" Severide began, grinning as he thought back about what had happened. "It didn't get interesting until I actually left the place, I was getting in the car when this guy ran down the other sidewalk, completely naked, and believe me, it was not a pretty site… then two seconds later a couple of cops are chasing him… they ran into the park…"

"You didn't want to follow and see what happened?"

"Can you remember that call, years and years back…"

Casey's expression changed as realisation hit him. "Oh God…"

"Yeah, that one."

"I'd tried to erase that from my memory…"

"People should never sleep in the nude," Severide commented.

"We are right now," he responded.

"Yes but we're not 300lbs," Severide retorted.

"It's kinda mean, you know, like, it could be a health thing…"

"I know," Severide said, nodding.

"It was funny though, I felt so bad for Andy…"

"That look on his face was priceless," Severide continued as Casey shuffled around again a little, making himself comfortable in Severide's embrace. "I don't think we should go fishing tomorrow, we can just sit out the back instead," he announced.

"Kel…"

"Like you said, you've overdone it recently, we can go another time," Severide told him.

"We've not been for ages," he said, disappointed.

"No, but why did we move here?" Severide replied, smiling.

"Yeah, yeah, we can just sit out the back," he responded.

"You're calling your doctor though," Severide insisted, hugging Casey tighter for a moment, as if he could will him to call the doctor through touch.

"Yeah, probably should," Casey agreed. "But today, today was all right? You didn't have a spillage or anything you were worried about?"

"Those specimen cups are surprisingly large," he said, grinning.

Casey chuckled. "I hate pissing in them."

He laughed at Casey. "What? It's not that hard, is it?"

"Not hard, just don't like it," Casey responded.

"You should be used to it by now," he said, holding back more laughter. "And just happy you can piss in one," he added.

"You can be used to things you don't like," Casey retorted. "Enough of the specimen cup talk…"

"Yeah, you need to sleep. Close your eyes…"

Before closing his eyes, Casey gazed into Severide's for some time before finally letting his lids slip shut as Severide began to hum softly.

* * *

Severide walked out the bathroom after his morning shower the next day, only a towel wrapped around his waist, eliciting an appreciative and vaguely lascivious smile from Casey, who was on the phone, sitting in his wheelchair by the couch. "You called the doctor?" Severide quizzed him when the phone call ended.

''Yeah," Casey said, nodding as he put his cell down, looking thoughtful.

"And?" he continued sitting down on the couch by Casey, laying a comforting hand on his knee.

"He's advised me to… there's a chance it might be broken so I need to go to the walk-in clinic, little ironic as I won't be walking in…"

"Ok, well, no big deal. Clinic's 9am 'til 5pm, right?" Severide responded.

"Yeah, think so," Casey answered.

Severide smiled at him, knowing he would be disappointed at the prospect of another hospital trip, but knowing it was something they couldn't avoid. "Shall we get going then?"

"It's all right, you don't need to come, probably be waiting around for an x-ray for ages, not great entertainment really."

"Kidding me, waiting rooms can be great," Severide responded enthusiastically.

"Maybe high on Ketamine." Casey chuckled.

"Well, let's see if we can get you some," he responded mischievously.

"You better get changed," Casey responded, nodding at Severide's state of undress.

"I can't go like this? It's still warm out," he retorted, feigning innocence.

"Don't want anyone to steal you away from me," Casey explained, putting a hand on Severide's forearm, stroking one thumb back and forth.

"You'd miss me," Severide said, smiling broadly.

Casey just shrugged. "Who else would drive me around when I'm too drugged up to do it myself," he responded, grinning smugly.

"That's the spirit." Severide laughed, turning and heading to their bedroom to get changed.

* * *

Severide flipped over the page in his magazine. He'd been sitting with Casey in the clinic for almost an hour now waiting to be seen. He looked across to Casey, who had a closed book on his lap. "How you holding up?" he asked, well aware he'd not taken any painkillers since he'd woken up.

Casey just nodded, glancing around the waiting room.

"I know you'd rather be anywhere but here, it's best to get it checked out though," Severide spoke.

"I don't mind really. There're worse situations I could be in, and at least I'm with you," he responded, offering Severide a smile.

"Shouldn't be too long now. They arrived just before we did," Severide said, nodding over to the couple who were being taken into the clinic. "Wanna swap your book for my magazine?" he suggested.

"Nah, I couldn't concentrate," Casey replied.

"Mr Casey," a voice called out.

"Here we go," Severide said, standing up as Casey unlocked the brakes on his chair. They headed through the double doors into the main clinic area where they were quickly seen y the doctor who had called Casey's name. They were shown to a curtained off bay. The bed was lowered and Severide helped Casey onto it as he started to tell the doctor what had happened to cause the injury to his ankle.

"All right, and how's the pain been?"

"There's been pain but I already take codeine almost daily, that's not really increased after hurting my ankle though, but I do have nerve damage in that leg and foot from dislocating my knee a couple of years ago," Casey explained.

"Ok, well, we'll get an x-ray and see what's going on. It's quite likely that is broken, I'm afraid, but we'll get you sorted," the doctor reassured him. "How's your pain now?"

"Manageable," Casey answered, a crestfallen expression invading his features.

"If that changes you let me know," the doctor responded. "I'll go grab the portable x-ray."

Casey looked at Severide as the doctor walked away. "A cast will be fun… comical even," he said without any humour in his voice.

"You'll manage. And besides, you might not even need one," Severide replied with some reassurance.

Not much was said whilst Casey had his ankle x-rayed but Severide remained by his side, wearing a protective gown whilst the image was taken, making Casey smile and relax throughout the whole process. All of this was too familiar for the two of them now though, so they just made the best of it. Severide would make up backgrounds and situations for all the people that walked by their bay in the clinic, giving Casey detailed and often hilarious descriptions. All he ever wanted was for Casey to be happy, and he would cut off his own leg if that would help. But he knew there wasn't really that much he could do to improve Casey's situation, except just be there with him and try to keep his mood lifted.

"Ok," the doctor began after a short while, holding the scans in his hand. "It is broken, a simple hairline fracture, so you'll need a cast for about four weeks. It shouldn't need surgery, or much rehab on it after the cast has gone either. However, I do have some other news."

"Oher news?" Casey frowned, his heart sinking.

"The x-ray showed some stress fractures, some have them have been there for a while and have healed, they must have all happened in the last six months or so, as records show that was your last check-up post reconstruction surgery," the doctor said.

"What does that mean then? I need to see ortho again?" Casey asked.

"We're going to take some blood now, and some more x-rays, I want to see your pelvis and femur. Hopefully it will mean nothing more than just taking it easy for a few months," the doctor answered.

"I don't really do any strenuous activities," Casey responded. "But maybe I have overdone it recently…"

"We've been doing up our house," Severide interjected. "You have been doing more than usual recently."

"Yeah, guess so," he agreed, nodding.

"It's nothing serious, right?" Severide asked the doctor.

"I shouldn't think so but let's get everything checked out," the doctor responded. "The nurse will come and take some blood shortly, and we'll get more x-rays done. Then we can come up with an action plan to sort it out for you."

Casey lay back on the bed, a sigh escaping his lips once the doctor left them. "Stress fractures sound kinda serious," he commented, moving to look at Severide.

"Well, let's face it, Matt, you've had worse things in the last few years."

Casey let out a huff of laughter, shaking his head, wondering if he was ever going to catch a break.


	59. Damaged

Casey was lying on the couch with his left leg propped up on a pillow, the plaster cast began a few inches below his knee. After further x-rays and tests at the hospital, and a follow up appointment with his orthopaedist Casey was under strict orders to take it easy for at least six weeks because of the stress fractures, but after four weeks he should be able to have the cast taken off. He dealt with the news well, it was only a minor setback. Severide seemed to be more affected than he was by the situation, they had been having a good time recently and the broken ankle and stress fractures that had occurred in the recent months only served to show him how fragile Casey's body really was now.

It was early in the morning, Severide was setting Casey up with anything he could possibly need whilst he was at the firehouse. He set down a bottle of water on the side table as he spoke. "I've fed the cats. You've got your water, your candy, some chips, your TV remote, two books, a magazine and your phone charger…"

"Kelly, I can move around the house, I'm not gonna be stuck on the couch for twenty-four hours," Casey told him, smiling at all the effort Severide had gone to when he knew he was perfectly capable.

"Do you need anything else? Pen and paper?" Severide continued.

"What, in case I wanna write a novel?" he quipped.

"Matthew Casey: The Early Years," Severide responded.

"And a sequel? Matthew Casey: Living the Life?"

"Sounds like a bestseller," Severide replied. "You're gonna be all right today?"

"Are you?" Casey retorted.

"Well, my hair can't get any greyer," he responded, standing back up, ready to leave.

"Oh, hey, did you get the results for the test yet? We can have a look at surrogates tomorrow? It's all online, already set up an account..." Casey asked him, stopping him in his tracks.

"I'm glad this hasn't put you off," Severide commented, smiling a little.

"I can still look after a baby with a broken ankle… you'd have to do most the work but it would only be temporary, and only if it even happened again, which is fairly unlikely, probably more likely than the average person, but still unlikely now I've already done it," he responded, barely taking a breath between words.

"Wow, that was a lot of talking," Severide said, grinning down at him.

"I'm excited for us. Call them, you've probably missed a message from them, it's been over a week, how long did they say it would take?"

"Up to two weeks," Severide answered.

"Ah, right, well, maybe give them a call anyway, maybe they have the results but just haven't got around to calling, then we can start getting it all rolling," he suggested, still talking to quickly, excitement evident.

"This is the last time you get to have cereal containing sugar for breakfast," Severide said, leaning down and giving Casey a kiss. "See you in twenty-four hours."

"More like twenty-five and a half hours," he corrected.

"Don't say it like that, I hate not being with you," Severide responded.

"I'm sure it's a relief some days. Stay safe."

"You too," Severide said, grinning back at him before turning away and grabbing his bag.

* * *

As the days passed by, Casey was becoming annoyed at being unable to do much around the house or take advantage of his new foot, fortunately he was still managing to do some work which kept his mind occupied. He did also manage to convince Severide that he would be perfectly capable of sitting in the secluded spot by the lake that they frequented, despite being bound to his wheelchair and under strict orders to rest. Severide could never resist Casey's persuasive charm, he hadn't been able to from day one so they spent the best part of a day fishing together, not catching much, but enjoying the bright fall day despite a cold wind, their packed lunch and each other's company. It had worn Casey out and once they arrived back in the warmth and comfort of the house, he slept. Only waking for a small light meal along his evening medications, to which some vitamin D and calcium supplements had been added.

Severide rolled over in bed that night, stretching his muscles as he woke from a restful sleep. The room was dark which was unusual since Casey hadn't slept in the dark for about four years now. He sat up and switched his bedside light on, frowning at the childlike drawing on the nightstand, but he didn't give it much thought as he sank back down under the covers. He moved over so he could wrap an arm around Casey's sleeping form as he drifted back to sleep.

His heart skipped as beat as his arm came into contact with Casey's body. His skin was ice cold. Severide shot upright on the bed, throwing the covers off the both of them. Casey was lying on his back, skin as white as snow, eyes open and glassy, body stiff, unmoving like marble.

A small voice broke into Severide's panic. "What's wrong with daddy?"

He stared at the child who had appeared at the end of the bed.

"Dad?" Blue saucer eyes filled with tears that spilled down soft cheeks.

Severide woke with a start, his breathing laboured and his skin hot and clammy. The bedroom was bright and he looked over in the bed to find Casey sleeping peacefully, his skin pink and warm, the covers moving has he breathed, the nasal canula he slept with firmly in place and doing its job.

Casey stirred as Severide touched his arm underneath the covers. "Kel?"

"Hey…" Severide smiled down at him. "It's still early, go back to sleep."

"What's wrong? Casey asked him, pushing himself up so he was leaning back on the headboard next to Severide, their shoulders touched.

Severide let out a short chuckle. "Nightmare."

"I know about them. Want to talk it through?"

"It was horrible," he admitted in a low voice that didn't sound like his own.

"Yeah, looks like it was…" Casey squeezed Severide's hand. "Someone used to tell me all the time that it's better if you talk."

"Was that me?"

"It was definitely you, so…" Casey waited in anticipation. "Talk to me..."

"I don't want you to know," he responded.

"I was in it then?" Casey presumed, searching Severide's face.

"You're always in my dreams," came his reply.

"And your nightmares apparently."

Severide turned and looked at him, eye's taking in his whole body, his plastered leg that peaked out from under the covers, right to final wisp of blond hair that stuck up at the top of his head. "You were dead," he spoke quietly. "Just dead."

"I'm not dead, Kelly," Casey spoke firmly, his eyes fixed on Severide.

"Your skin was ice cold," he told Casey.

"My skin is warm," Casey countered.

"You were as white as a ghost."

Casey chuckled a little. "I'm not as tanned as you are, but I'm not as white as a ghost, you can see that now."

"Yeah," Severide said, swallowing hard.

"What else?" he asked softly after a few moments of silence.

"Nothing," Severide answered, not looking at him again. He wanted to save Casey from the image of the child he saw. Their son. He realised it only highlighted some of the current fears he had, his unconscious mind trying to make sense of everything he was feeling right now.

"Nothing?" he questioned, unconvinced.

"I don't remember."

Casey took that as his queue to stop probing. "Ok. Do you want to go back to sleep or stay up? I'll stay up with you. We can watch a movie?"

"Just… just lie with me, maybe," Severide suggested.

"Always, Kelly…" he said, readjusting the covers so they could both lie comfortably together on the mattress. They settled down together, Severide holding Casey firmly, not wanting to let go. "I'm not going anywhere, not anytime soon," Casey continued. "We'll be old and grey… well, you're already grey but I think that's my doing. I'll never stop loving you even if I'm gone. This has been playing on your mind since the funeral still, there's not much I can do or say to stop you having these thoughts, but I can be here with you."

"I don't want you to feel bad because of my feelings, ok?" Severide said, worried now.

"I don't," he responded in earnest.

"Good, 'cause that would make things worse," Severide finished, glancing down at the top of his blond head.

"I know." He nodded. "Look, we can be scared of everything or we can just live, there isn't really another option. I love you, and I love the family we're going to have in the future, the family we already have, I'm not sure how happy Pumpkin and Midnight will be if a baby moves in here, they'll have to get used to it I suppose. Just think this house will soon have two cats and a baby keeping us up at all hours. We have everything to look forward to, all thanks to you... for pulling me out of my dark places and being here for me, but I'm here for you too."

"Yeah…" Severide responded, nodding a little.

"But only if a baby is what you want still… I know I seem to say it all the time, but I don't ever want to make you do something you don't want…"

"C'mere," Severide interrupted him, pulling him closer and holding tighter now. "Sorry about all of this. Maybe it's just my midlife crisis."

"Just face it, you're just as damaged as I am."

* * *

Casey wheeled himself through the door to Molly's as Severide held it open for him. A few people from the firehouse were surprised to see them turn up, it wasn't even a special occasion, even then it was a rare occurrence now that they saw Casey, or Severide when he wasn't on shift. The last time they'd seen Casey was the funeral, but before that Herrmann hadn't spoken to him since Casey had called him, grateful for the money they'd raised for a running prosthetic but insisting they should either give it to a charity, or to someone who needed it more.

"Lieutenant!" Herrmann greeted loudly from behind the bar, still using his title. "What did you do?" he almost shouted when he realised why Casey was rolling through the place in his wheelchair. Cruz and Otis had turned to greet Casey too, they were standing with Boden. There was no one else from 51 there right now. Casey knew Shay was away for a week with Marianela, happy for her because they seemed to be getting serious now, she'd never been away with a love interest before.

Casey looked up at Severide. "You didn't tell them?"

"Ah… no, I like to keep our private lives…"

"Private," Cruz finished for him. "Yes, we know. But you can't leave stuff like this out, where are the usual Facebook updates?"

"Please don't tell me that me and my medical issues are the only thing plastered all over your Facebook page?" Casey asked Severide.

"You are," Cruz and Otis spoke simultaneously.

"You're not," Severide countered.

"You really need to use your own account, Lieutenant," Cruz told him.

"I signed up for it, isn't that enough?" Casey retorted, still smiling.

"You actually have to go on it and update it, your profile picture must be six years old at least now," Cruz responded.

"Yeah but he barely looks a day older, just the hair that's changed," Otis piped up.

"Why are you all studying my Facebook page so much?"

"We like Severide's updates, it's good to keep an eye on how much trouble you're getting into," Herrmann responded. "So, what are you drinking?"

"We'll have two beers," Severide answered, pulling out his wallet.

"With the kidney?" Herrmann asked, looked at Casey.

"The kidney's good," Casey responded with a singular nod.

Severide took their drinks and they went over to an empty table in the back, moving a chair away for Casey, and sitting down. "What prompted this idea?" he asked as Casey wheeled himself under the table.

"You used to come here quite a bit," Casey replied.

"Yeah, when the place first opened," Severide said.

"I know, but everyone's always great here, and you did used to see the guys a lot more when you weren't on shift."

"I'm a stay at home man now," Severide responded, grinning as he sat back in the chair.

Casey smiled. "All right, ok, but you should hang out with your crew if you want to."

"My crew aren't even here right now, and you're the only person I want to spend my time with. I get this lot for twenty-four hours at least twice a week," Severide retorted.

"I thought this might cheer you up," he explained, picking up the beer mat, flipping it over in his hands.

"To see you out of your comfort zone?"

"Hey, I like coming here," Casey objected.

"You don't feel self-conscious right now?"

"Maybe I would have done a year ago but not now, I've grown," he said smugly.

"Well, cheers then…" Severide held up his glass, waiting for Casey to do this same before clinking them together and both taking a drink.

* * *

Casey was sitting on the couch, the TV was on but he'd muted the sound, focusing on another matter that had been irritating him for the past ten minutes, and it wasn't the first time the annoyance had occurred in the past few weeks. He let out a frustrated sigh as he failed to succeed.

"Baby?" Severide questioned. He was sitting at the dining table, scrolling through a website on his laptop.

"I have an itch," he responded, briefly glancing over to Severide.

"Please don't stick anything down there… I saw that episode of Parks and Rec…"

"Too late," Casey responded just as he slipped the ruler back in between the plaster and his skin.

"What?" Severide peered up to try and catch a glance of what Casey had done.

"I've not left it in there, don't worry," Casey answered.

Severide looked back up from his laptop, gazing at Casey's face, he loved the way his eyebrows formed a frown as he concentrated. He ran a hand through his own hair, making a mental note to get it cut soon, it was almost getting as out of control as Casey's. He closed the laptop and stood up, walking over to Casey.

"I have something to tell you." Severide sat down on the couch, lifting up Casey's leg and placing it down gently on his lap. He took the ruler from his hands and put it down.

"Ok." Casey had known there had been something on Severide's mind for a few days now, it had been the reason he'd suggested their night out at Molly's.

"You're going to hate me," he started, looking straight ahead.

"That's not possible," Casey spoke softly.

"You going to hate what I'm going to say, and you're going to hate that I kept it from you," Severide reiterated, looking at Casey for a brief moment.

"Sure you had your reasons… but you're scaring me now so…"

"I love you," Severide spoke.

"I love you too."

"And I'm sorry," Severide continued.

"Kelly…"

Severide let out a long breath. "I wanted everything to be perfect for you, you deserve it, and you've worked so hard, and things have really been good recently, I mean, it's been almost four years now and back then could you picture us now? Like this, in this amazing house, you with a kidney, healthy as you could be right now, yeah, you've had some issues, more surgery than you probably thought you'd have to have in a lifetime…"

"Kelly… are you… you're not breaking up me?" he asked, suddenly feeling overwhelmed with insecurity.

"No. Never."

"Ok, 'cause you've stuck with me this far I guess so…"

"Matt, I can't have children," Severide announced.

After gathering his thoughts for a little while, Casey smiled, still holding onto Severide's hand and looking into his eyes without a hint of accusation, without a hint of bitterness or disappointment on his face. "Well, there's one good thing…"

"Yeah?" Severide questioned, unconvinced. He couldn't think of one.

"Yeah… you know for sure that you don't have any unknown offspring out there in the world."

Severide's face broke into a smile and he gently pulled Casey towards him, embracing him gently.

"I love you, Kelly. I'm not upset," Casey told him.

"You should be," he counted.

"It's not your fault."

Severide nodded in agreement. "No, they said… said it wasn't anything I did, and there's nothing they can do."

"Well, there's plenty we can do," Casey responded. He was glad Severide wasn't laying blame on himself, or at least he hoped that was the case, for some reason he couldn't read him right now and that worried him.

"Yeah?"

"Well, once my ankle is out of this cast I say we go out and get very drunk," Casey suggested with a smile.

"Not really a solution," he replied, resisting an eye roll.

"Not suggesting it is, and maybe we're getting too old for it, and it's not the best coping mechanism. And I shouldn't drink much, but, it's fun, I like it, and I know you do," Casey responded smoothly, leaning into Severide. "We can just have fun."

"Matt…"

"Look, I said it before, more than once, if kids were gonna happen, then it would, and it's not going to happen… it's not going to happen." He swallowed, sitting back. "But that's fine, I'm not just saying that… and there really is stuff we can do if we do want kids involved in our lives." He didn't want to stop talking, he wanted Severide to know that he wasn't upset or disappointed. He was though, but not with Severide and not with their life, and he needed Severide to understand that. He wanted Severide to be happy and he knew this was never something Severide had anticipated.

"Matt, it's not fine. I wanted this."

"I know. I'm sorry. I'm sorry you're with me and not…"

"Don't," Severide warned.

"What else should I think? If I wasn't damaged, I could have kids for you…"

"Don't you think it feels like I've let you down, not the other way around, doesn't matter who I'm with, I can't have children… I can't have children. And I kept it from you for a whole week," Severide said, anguish filling his tone.

"You needed to process it… and hey, we can just get more cats," Casey said, grinning at Severide as he wiped away a tear from Severide's cheek. "We have each other and that's enough for me."

"It is enough for me too."

"It's just a shock for you, for us to find out, but we'll deal," Casey continued.

"I don't deserve you."

"I could say the same."

* * *

Casey had a chronic, persistent dry cough, caused by the damage to his heart and the medication he had to take, but the cough he was starting to suffer with now was different, and he knew he was really sick this time. His cast had been removed but he'd barely had chance to get back up and walking again. He had no fever but his body ached all over and he was having to rely more and more on Severide to help him get out of bed in the morning, to get him into the shower and use the toilet, to dress him and even to help him to eat breakfast at one point as he was so weak and uncoordinated. Thoughts of children, or lack of, quickly disappeared as Casey's health worsened. Eventually Casey's cough developed into thick, hacking fits where he struggled to draw breath, he had been forced to call Severide at the firehouse. Boden had released him from his shift straight away so he could return home. Severide had taken one look at Casey and made the decision he needed to go to the hospital so he drove him there right away.

"Pneumonia," the ER doctor had told them once he had looked over Casey's chest x-rays. "We've caught it early though, but you still need to be admitted. You need IV antibiotics and we need to monitor you closely."

"The antibiotics… they'll work?" Casey coughed out.

"Potentially they may not but like I said, we've caught this early, sometimes, because there's not always a fever it's not noticed right away."

When Casey was finally moved from the ER up into a private room in the early hours of the morning, Severide helped him to settle in. He fetched some things from home so Casey would feel more comfortable, an almost two hour round trip but it was worth it. He was already worrying about this potentially triggering hospital stay as well as the cause of the stay, they always tried to be so careful, trying to avoid hospital stays for more than one reason but sometimes they couldn't be helped, Severide was sure he must have caught the bug when he'd had his cast removed. Sometimes everything was out of their control and they both hated that, but Severide needed something to blame so he blamed the fracture clinic.

Despite being in the hospital they tried their best to carry on their lives like normal, Severide went to work at the firehouse, and the boatyard despite how the temperature had dropped. When Severide wasn't with him at the hospital Casey slept, even with the infection he actually didn't feel too bad, he was managing to eat, drink, to walk around and shower without any assistance. Although, according to Severide he looked like death, but he really did feel all right.

But it all went downhill quite quickly.

Despite the antibiotics a fever started raging through Casey's system. He was cold and hot all at the same time. He couldn't stop himself from coughing, almost making himself sick every time his chest heaved. He'd been in the hospital for four days now and he was worse than when he'd been admitted, his throat was getting sore, his head ached constantly, even his muscles hurt.

Severide's eyes looked up from the magazine he was reading when he heard Casey move on the hospital bed. "Bathroom?" he questioned, already standing up in case Casey needed him.

"Hmm…" Casey nodded.

"Think you can manage it?" he asked, concerned.

"M'ok, just tired."

Severide helped Casey off the bed, he wavered as he used his crutches, his ankle still weak from the weeks of non-use, he slowly made his way to the ensuite bathroom with Severide's arm gently around his waist. They were almost there when Severide heard it. The soft trickle of urine hitting the linoleum floor. Casey was still moving forward, he'd not even noticed.

"Matty, stop…"

Casey looked wearily towards him the followed his eyeline down to the floor under his now wet sock. "Oh… sorry… what's wrong with me?"

"It's all right, we'll get you cleaned up and back into bed, ok?"

"I'm sorry…"

"You're sick," Severide told him firmly.

"Sorry..."

"C'mon, I've got you," Severide reassured him, carefully helping him back over to the bed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! I still find this universe unbelievable, it grew into something I never predicted. I just want to say thank you for sticking with me, and I realise recent events aren't favourable for our two boys but please be patient and allow the story to evolve... in other words, I'm sorry but don't lose faith yet!


	60. A Sort of Proposal

Casey had been in the hospital for over a week. It was late at night, the lights were dimmed, Severide was asleep in a cot by Casey's hospital bed, he was snoring softly and covered in a thin blanket. Casey was awake, his overhead light was on, his eyes were half lidded, his right hand gently held one of the blankets that were keeping him warm, his body temperature was still going haywire. One moment he was so hot he wanted to strip off all his clothes and the next he was so cold that even the multitude of layers, the heat pad and blankets did nothing to keep him warm. His head was throbbing and he wanted to turn off the overhead light but he didn't have the strength to even move a finger. His thoughts were all over the place, sometimes nothing at all was going through his mind, or at times he would simply gaze at Severide, imagining the future he thought he would have him with him, a wedding, a child or two because he still did want children. But he knew how unlikely it was, and he didn't want to bring the subject up, understandably it was still a sore one for Severide, almost as sore as his own body right now. His limbs felt as heavy as concrete, his muscles ached, there were stabbing pains in his chest whenever he coughed and his throat felt raw.

The nurse entered the room quietly so she didn't disturb Casey but seeing that he was awake she smiled at him. "Do you need anything?" she asked him quietly after checking his vitals, giving him a fresh saline bag to keep him hydrated and checking the amount of fluid from the catheter drainage bag at the side of the bed.

He shook his head tiredly in response. "Getting any better?" he croaked out as he took off the oxygen mask, letting it drop to the side.

"No better but no worse either," she replied, placing a comforting hand on his shoulder.

"The antibiotics aren't working…" He coughed and spluttered. His chest sore and aching.

"Give them some time," she told him. She grabbed a disposable emesis basin and held it up to his chin when he began to cough again.

Severide woke to see Casey coughing out thick phlegm, spitting it out into the basin the nurse held, wheezing and struggling for air, drool on his chin, eyes scrunched tightly closed, tears being squeezed out of them. He shot up and took the basin from the nurse, holding it for Casey and gently rubbing his back whilst the nurse poured a fresh cup of water.

After what felt like a lifetime the coughing fit finally let up. Casey was so exhausted by it all that he was barely aware when Severide wiped away at his lips and chin. They managed to get him to take a couple of sips of water before changing his hospital gown, he was fast asleep before the nurse left. Severide was now sitting by his side with his head in his hands. He sighed sadly. "Please, Matt, you have to get better."  
  


* * *

 

 

The days passed by and with no improvement Casey's mood had fallen. He was angry, upset and tired. He was feverish, his eyes were dull, skin pale, and his lips were chapped and sore. There was a drainage tube in his chest now, draining the fluid that had started to accumulate. A central line was in his chest, feeding him antibiotics, and he had an arterial line to save being pricked with a needle every time they wanted to test the oxygen levels in his blood. There was a sequential compression wrap around his scarred left leg to help with his circulation, which was bad at the best of times, never mind when he was bound to the bed. They had to help him clear the sputum from his chest now too since his body was struggling to cope with it all, but everything they had done hardly provided him with much relief.

Shay beamed as she entered Casey's hospital room despite how pale and ill he looked. "Thought you could do with a prettier face than Kelly's for at least a few hours today," she said as she sat down.

"Kelly's not pretty?" he questioned hoarsely.

"Only when you're high," she teased. "You're the pretty one. He's the rugged one."

Casey frowned. "I am rugged."

"You are. But you're also pretty."

"Ah, well… you're beautiful."

She grinned, laughing a little. "You eaten today? Kelly said you're not managing to keep anything down now?"

His silence told her his answer.

"Well, I can get you a soy milkshake?"

"Tried already. Threw it up too," Casey told her.

"I'm sorry, Matt."

"S'all right. Always gonna get ill. I know that, it's just my body now. I'll get through it…" he responded determinedly.

Shay smiled at him. "You seem to be doing well…"

"What? Mentally?" he gave a tiny crooked smile.

"Sorry, I didn't mean…"

"Don't you keep apologising, that's my thing, isn't it?"

She chuckled.

"You're right though, I think… It does worry me how much some things can just… well, make me lose control. Or trigger me, that's what Kelly would say. Trigger me…" he said shaking his head, "Doesn't take much to do that, even now. Something broke inside me and it'll always be broken..." He swallowed thickly.

"What's wrong?" she asked him suddenly.

"Just my head… my chest… everything, really. Sorry. Was trying to be all right but…" he trailed off.

"You don't have to talk to me, or stay awake," Shay responded.

"Like talking to you…"

"Matt, you've managed ten minutes. Get some rest."

"That's all I'm fucking doing!" Casey raised his voice, coughing at the same time as his anger finally got the better of him.

"Hey! Hey! Matt, it's fine, you need…"

"Sorry… you should go, I'm no good company. Didn't mean to yell, don't know what's wrong with me, I'm sorry…"

"You're sick, but you're going to get better," she told him.

Casey couldn't respond as he tried to get his breathing under control. He closed his eyes and tried to stop the coughing. Shay slipped on the oxygen mask, sat back and looked at him. He didn't deserve all this, didn't deserve any of the trauma that had happened to him. She looked up at the monitors, studying them for a while. Casey really was very sick this time, no matter how he had tried to hide it while they were talking. She knew that the medical team were trying to do absolutely everything in their power to get him better, but she also knew how high the odds were stacked against him.

She glanced around the room. Severide had put up photos and had brought some of their own blankets from home, along with some pillows and the plush kidney toy. The table by the bed was piled up with all kinds of items. Casey's headphones, his cell phone, one or two books, a newspaper, some untouched candies, and a box of tissues. Just as shay decided to start and tidy it up a little, she heard Casey humming. "What's that song?" she asked him softly as she put his stuff into a bit of order.

He opened his eyes, looking almost surprised to see her there. He moved the mask from his face. "Something Kelly sings to me…"

Shay smiled at the image of Severide singing to him. "Well, don't stop on my account. Or do you want your music?"

But her words either hadn't registered or Casey chose to ignore her. "Where is Kelly?" he asked.

"I managed to get him to go home for a few hours," she told him.

"How is he? Is he struggling?"

"He's worried about you, but when is he not?" She smiled.

"Wish he didn't have to worry… at least he'll have you…"

"What do you mean?" Shay asked, a pit opening up in her stomach, already fearing Casey's thoughts.

"Promise me something…" Casey began, his previous determination wavering. 

"Matt, don't…" Shay stopped tidying up the things on the side table and looked worriedly at Casey. She felt the pit of her stomach run cold, fearing what Casey was thinking, having flashbacks to the ambulance journey after he had been pulled out of the concrete tomb almost four years ago. She put down the box of tissues in her hand and sat down by him.

"He has to keep living if something happens to me. You'll make sure he does, right?"

"Matt…" she was shaking her head.

"There's a very real possibility that I won't make it out of here."

"What have the doctors told you?" she asked seriously, there must be more than what Severide had told her.

"I have viral and bacterial pneumonia, and my lungs keep filling with fluid. Been here over a week and I'm only getting worse," he replied, his voice raspy, monotonous.

"Does Kelly know?" she questioned, fearing Casey was hiding this from Severide, like he'd done with the heart failure.

"Yes, but he's pretending it isn't so bad when he's with me, but he knows it is, he was so annoyed though…"

"What do you mean?"

"Didn't have viral pneumonia, not until I was here, I got the virus here, even with the flu vaccine I have to have…"

"Are you getting antivirals? And other than antibiotics, what else…"

Casey shrugged slightly. "Just time… supportive care or whatever they call it…"

She nodded slowly, trying to take in the news, she knew it was bad for Casey to be admitted but hadn't quite realised how bad the situation was. "You need to eat to keep your energy up, to fight the infections, to get better."

"I'm trying."

"Well… you gotta try harder, ok?" she insisted, wiping a tear away from her eye.

"Hey, don't you get upset too, aren't you supposed to be consoling me?" Casey smiled up at her, teasing her.  
  


* * *

 

 

Later on, a few hours after Shay had left, and Severide had returned, Casey was laughing, even though he was trying not to, and he was clutching his side, as Severide made his next move on the chess board. "You… might… might beat me… for once…" Casey's words were muffled behind the oxygen mask that was now a permanent feature on his weary face.

Severide smiled at him from where he was sitting at the end of Casey's bed. "Maybe. Your move."

"Later…" Casey's eyes were almost closed and he whispered.

"Ok, sure," he responded. He moved the swing table out of Casey's view but didn't adjust the bed so Casey remained almost sitting up. They'd been playing this same game for two days now, on and off, with Casey becoming more and more tired and unable to concentrate on the board.

Casey's laughter had triggered his hacking cough again, sounding painful to Severide's ears, making him wince. He hated not being able to do anything other than watch Casey suffer through this, so he grabbed his hand, hoping the touch might comfort him in some small way. Casey could hardly draw a breath as he kept on with the harsh, grating cough that unleashed so much pain into his body. His heart was racing. Specks of blood appeared on the inside of the mask.

Severide stared at the oxygen mask with worry. He hit the call button.

"M'ok…" Casey spoke tiredly through the mask. He slipped it off and saw the blood. He wiped the back of his hand over his lips, bringing back bright red blood. "Oh…"  
  


* * *

 

 

A short while later Casey was lying flat on his back in his hospital room, mildly sedated but conscious. The doctor had explained to him what he was about to do and told him to try and relax but he was coughing and gagging wretchedly as he tried to swallow the thick black bronchoscope. It took the doctor three goes before they finally got the tube down Casey's throat and into his trachea so they could look at his bronchial system and into his lungs, despite the mild sedation and the numbing agent used on the back of his throat.

It was only a few minutes until the doctor had finished and withdrew the instrument slowly to try and minimise Casey's discomfort, but he continued to retch and cough, bringing up frothy liquid containing specks of red blood.

The nurse took an antiseptic wipe and cleaned the mess from his face, talking to him gently. "Well done, honey. It's done now, ok?"

He nodded up at her, still unable to speak

"All done, Matt. It's as I thought, you've torn some tissue in there. You'll probably cough up a little more blood until it's healed. If a lot more blood comes up, we'll do some further tests but hopefully that's it for now."

He just nodded wearily in response as the nurse helped him move into a more comfortable position.

Severide followed the doctor out of the room but reappeared just as the nurse was finishing off. He walked to Casey's side to hear him grumbling. "Don't ever want one of those damn things shoved down my throat again..."

"Don't want to ever see them do that again," Severide retorted.

"Prefer to see something else down my throat?" Casey teased him a little, despite his lingering drowsiness.

Severide snickered. "If only everyone knew how dirty your mind really was."

"Gotta cheer you up somehow…"

"Your job is to get better, not cheer me up," Severide told him firmly. "Now, how are you feeling?"

Casey smiled. "Drugged…"

"It'll wear off in a couple of hours," he said.

"Do you have to leave yet?" Casey asked, slurring his words.

"No, no, I'm not going anywhere," Severide told him, moving close to Casey, pushing his blond hair behind his ear and stroking his forehead.  
  
A short while later one of the nurses walked in to find Severide asleep leaning over the bed, one arm outstretched and the other hand entwined in Casey's as he dozed. She checked the monitors and IV's, noting Casey's vitals, before quietly slipping back out of the room without disturbing the sleeping occupants.

Eventually Severide stirred when Casey started to mutter in his sleep. and he sat up, worried Casey was having a gruelling nightmare. "Matty?"

"Mmm?"

"All right, baby?"

Casey opened his eyes. "Huh? Yeah… yeah…" he grunted, his throat sore from the bronchoscopy.

"Here, have some water," Severide picked up the cup and offering Casey the straw, but he just groaned and turned his head away to the left. "Please, Matt, drink something, it'll help your throat…"

"No," he groaned again. "Want to go home…"

"I know, baby, I know." Severide leaned across and kissed his forehead, running a hand through his hair in a comfort gesture.

"I'm tired of all this…"

"I know, I know… close your eyes," he instructed. "That's it. Good. Just listen to me, imagine we're lying in the yard, looking out at the lake, it's warm but there's a breeze, we can see the sunsetting in the distance. We're just there, together, without a care in the world, you can hear me breathing, you can hear the birds singing their evening song, hear gentle lapping of the water against the jetty…"  
  


* * *

 

Casey's fever spiked a few hours later. Severide was forcing himself to stay awake and kept holding the back of his hand against Casey's forehead to check his temperature. His skin felt as hot as a furnace when they finally moved him into a separate room in the ICU where he would have one on one attention from a critical care nurse.

He barely woke for the next forty-eight hours and was now entirely reliant on medication and medical equipment to keep his body functioning. There was now an NG tube amongst all the rest of the wires and tubes attached to his body, sustaining life. His urine output had decreased to an alarmingly low level despite all the fluids he was being given so the medical team took the decision to connect him to a dialysis machine in the hopes that they would be able to stave off kidney failure. The large bore needles were now in his neck and taped securely in place to his pale skin.

Severide folded a freshly soaked towel on Casey's forehead and another under the back of his neck. Casey's eyes flickered open a little as he did so. "S'all right, everything's fine. You'll feel better soon." Casey's fever had lessoned but the infection was still raging.

"Was running…" Casey muttered beneath the oxygen mask.

"Oh yeah?" Severide smiled gently, stroking Casey's arm as he tried to lift it off the bed.

Casey just looked up at him with half open eyes as he lifted the oxygen mask away from his face, knowing how Casey found it irritating at times.

"That better?" Severide asked. "Just for a short while, all right?"

"Mmm…"

"Nice to see you awake," Severide told him.

"Cold…"

"Cold?" Severide repeated, touching his skin. "You feel really warm, baby. You've still got a high fever."

Casey groaned a little in response.

"Sorry, baby," Severide spoke. "How about some music?"

"Mmm… 'k…"

Severide slipped the oxygen mask back over Casey's face, repositioned the cold damp towel and placed the headphones gently over his ears, grabbing his phone and getting a soft playlist going for him.

Casey's eyes fluttered soon open and he clumsily removed the mask.

"What's wrong?" Severide asked immediately, moving the headphones.

A small smile came to Casey's face and his dimples appeared. "Nothing…"

"Nothing, huh?"

"We ever gonna get married? We mentioned it before… I'm just wondering… nothing to do but think…"

"Well, I dunno, is that really how you're gonna propose to me?"

"Hey… we did talk about it… and besides, can't lift my head up, never mind get down on one knee…"

Severide smiled before he leant down and gave him a soft kiss. "You know I love you. Don't need marriage to show you that, but I know it's something you've always wanted, so I want it too. I'll warn you now though; I'm not wearing a white dress…" he teased.

Casey laughed but soon spluttered into a coughing fit, holding his chest and trying to stop himself throwing up, it felt as if his insides were erupting. Severide grabbed a basin and held it in front of him so he could spit out the bile and phlegm he was coughing out and throwing up.

When it was all over Casey smiled tiredly at him. "You sure you wanna marry me?"

"Well, I know exactly what I'm getting into, don't I?"

"S'all right… one day… one day the boot… might be… be on the other… foot… and I'll be… be cleaning up your… mess…" He chuckled breathlessly once he managed to get the words out.

"Maybe," Severide replied. "Or maybe all this is the fever talking."

Casey frowned. "Fevers don't talk."

"No. No, they don't."  
  


* * *

 

Severide had a stop to make before he went home to check on the cats and make sure everything was ok, even though their next-door neighbours had kindly offered their help and Severide did intend to let them have a spare key when he got around to it.

He drove over to the other side of the city, and went to a small jeweller's shop that he knew of to buy a special present for Casey. A Celtic commitment ring. He had considered buying him one before but Casey had just told him not to waste his money, insisting that they had much better uses for their money. At the time, Severide had reluctantly agreed but now their situation was so very different, he decided that nothing was going to stop him buying one. He couldn't give Casey children, and he was sick, unable to leave the hospital for an indefinite amount of time. He felt that Casey needed something special to get him through this latest stay, and if that something was symbolic of his love for and total commitment to Casey, then he was all for it and he knew just where to get such a thing. In view of what Shay had told him a few days ago, that Casey wasn't convinced he'd ever make it out of the hospital again, Severide just wanted him to have the ring to see and feel whenever he felt down or doubted anything.

Severide even spent the night at home in the house. Although they had set up a cot in Casey's hospital room for him, even when he'd been moved to the ICU as well since his care team knew it did Casey's mental health a lot of good. Severide slept there quite a lot but Casey insisted that he should have a life outside the hospital as well, that just because Casey was stuck there, it didn't mean Severide had to be also.

After a comfortable night's sleep back in his own bed, Severide was up early and ready to go back to the hospital. He arrived with a bag of more DVD's, Casey preferred the bigger screen of the TV to the iPad. They were getting through a couple each day when Severide was off-shift, even though Casey had a tendency to fall asleep about an hour in each time, no matter how exciting, tense, frightening or funny the movies were.

"Where's Matt?" he questioned as he stood in the doorway to the room, only seeing an empty hospital bed. His heart was in his mouth.

The nurse turned from the bed, she was collecting up a pile of rumpled, soiled sheets and blankets from the floor. "Oh, Kelly, I was just about to call you…"

"What's wrong? What's happened?" Severide felt panic rise inside him.

"He was really lethargic and I struggled to wake him, much more than usual, they've just taken him up for an emergency CT…"

"What's wrong?"

"The doctor is worried about a potential stroke from the central line or from…"

"A stroke..." Severide repeated in a whisper, gripping the small box that sat at the bottom of his pocket.


	61. Slipping

Severide was sitting in Casey's room when the orderly wheeled him back to the room in his hospital bed. The commitment ring was now in the front pocket of his jeans. The anticipation and excitement of the moment had gone, replaced completely by worry and fear. He stood up as the orderly manoeuvred the gurney next to the bed back into place and set the brakes.   
  
Unexpectedly, Casey was awake and looking wearily at him.

"Matty…" Severide began, right by his side and holding his cold hand. He helped transfer Casey back onto the hospital bed, telling the porter they didn't need any help despite the bright yellow fall risk band on Casey's wrist.

"Hey… sorry, I scared you…" he greeted Severide. He was happy to see him, having woken up after the MRI he was given an onslaught of information but all he could think about was Severide. He hated to worry him.

"You're ok?" Severide questioned.

"CT was clear," he answered.

Severide nodded. "So you're ok?"

"Didn't have a stroke," Casey responded, swallowing and not quite meeting Severide's eyes now.

"What the hell happened then?"

"Could have been any number of things, the meds, the infection…" Casey told him. "They aren't..."

The doctor walked in, stopping Casey mid-sentence, and interrupting Severide as he was helping to reposition Casey so he was more comfortable. "Hey, guys," he began with a sombre expression.

"What's wrong… now?" Casey asked.

"I do have bad news," the doctor responded, nodding. The doctor sat down on the end of Casey's bed and indicated to Severide that he should sit. "Latest bloodwork came back. You have septicaemia, Matt," he spoke once Severide was sitting down in the chair.

"That's really bad," Severide said, fear in his eyes.  
  
Casey just looked at him, hating that he was so worried, hating even more that he was the cause of it all again.

"It is bad, but there is a difference between septicaemia and septic shock. What we have to prevent now, is Matt going into septic shock," the doctor continued. 

"But the meds aren't working," Severide retorted.

"No, they've made little difference with the infections, so we'll keep managing your oxygen and fluid levels, we're doing our very best to keep on top of this."

"Thank you," Casey said, his voice gritty and tired. But his face betrayed that he had little hope. He was too tired now, too exhausted with it all.

The doctor stood up and left them, he knew there wasn't anything he could say or do at this time to help comfort them.

"You'll get through this, baby, you'll get through it," Severide told him as the door closed.

"Don't really have a choice, do I?"

"What do you mean?" Severide asked, frowning.

"If I don't get through it…"

"Positive thoughts only," Severide responded before Casey could say anything more.  
  


* * *

A few days had passed by. Casey was no better and to top it off he had lost an astounding amount of muscle mass despite their best efforts. He was being heavily medicated, making him drowsy and nauseous and he needed even more help to clear the sputum from his lungs, he was exhausted and feverish. Severide was just watching Casey from where he sat on the easy chair, trying not to think about anything much. He had taken more furlough because he wanted to be with Casey every possible moment he could. He hadn't want to be sitting around the firehouse waiting for bad news. He wasn't even watching the TV even though it was on.

He heard Casey's gravelly voice muttering, "Turn it off… please?"

"Sure, baby," he responded quickly, getting to his feet and grabbing the remote to turn the TV off.

Casey moved a little, rolling his head to the right, towards Severide. "Need to talk..." Casey was being economical with his words, trying not to speak much, trying to avoid triggering this cough again.

Severide's heart sank but he forced a smile onto his face. "What is it?" he asked lightly.

"You know…"

"You're gonna have to say it, Matt."

"I want you… I want you to be in control… if I…" He paused for a moment. "If I end up on life support… it's all up to you…"

"You know I can't do that, I mean, it's not exactly fair on me…"

"No… it just, it means… I was thinking about it… it means you get to say goodbye… it's for you… not for me, whatever happens, happens… but you… I want you to be in control… it'll help… when that happens…"

Severide went to Casey's side and took hold of his hand. "You mean if, not when."

Casey just looked at him for the longest minute. "I mean when," he repeated. "Look, you don't have to... but I don't want... don't want extraordinary measures… but you... you can be in control if you want, you can decide what... what happens."

Severide's voice broke. "You can't do that to me."

"It's all up to you… I already told the doctor…"

"Matt, listen to me, you've never given up before, so don't do it now, I need you," Severide insisted.

"Not giving up… losing…"

Severide swallowed his emotions, trying to find the right words. "You're not losing."

"I'm slipping… it's like… I can't hold on… no… there's nothing to hold to… I just keep falling…"

"That's just dreams, the meds are messing with your head… I'm holding onto you, and you know I will never let go, even when you're on the winning side of this."

Casey's eyes were too heavy lidded to keep open now, he hadn't the strength any more. He just nodded slightly at Severide.

"Good." Severide smiled back down at him. "Now we've got that cleared up, let's focus on getting you out here, not in a black box, all right?"

"All right…"

"I'm serious, Matt, you're not slipping. And I'll say it again; positive thoughts only," Severide told him firmly.

Casey just smiled and his eyes flickered open. "You know… there was some research into that…" He swallowed, trying to clear his gravelly throat. "Positive thinking does nothing for an illness's outcome…"

"Yeah, well, I don't believe that," Severide responded.  
  


* * *

 

Time seemed to pass slowly and it felt like Casey had been in the hospital for far too long now. Severide was sitting with him when one of the hospital's physiotherapists arrived to help him move so his muscles, once so beautifully conditioned and toned, and now so weak, didn't start to atrophy. Severide couldn't help but worry as he watched her pull back the bed covers and ask Casey to lift his left leg. He was barely able to raise it an inch off the mattress, nor was he able to exert any real pressure when she asked him to push against her hand. Nevertheless, she was encouraging and congratulatory towards him

"Really good, Matt," she told him. She gently laid the bed covers back over him, adjusting his pillows and foam blocks so he would be lying in a different position to what he had been in for the last few hours of the night. "How's that? Comfortable?"

Casey murmured something unintelligible in response.

She took that as a positive answer. "Good. Get some rest now," she said, offering him a kind smile. "I'll be back again in the morning."

Severide moved to Casey's side and took his hand once the she had left. It felt colder each day and Severide feared the worst was happening to him. "You did good, baby," he said, wanting to keep positive around him.

Casey just shook his head slightly and coughed weakly. "Did… shit…"

"Not literally, I hope," Severide teased him.

Casey rolled his eyes wearily.

"Do you want a drink or anything?" Severide asked, a hopeful tone lacing his voice.

"Just... just wanna sleep…"

"Please stay awake for me, just for a little while, baby… please…"

"Promise… not going anywhere… sorry…"

Casey's eyes closed, Severide slipped the oxygen mask back on, and a few moments later an alarm began to beep. His nurse was in the room in a flash. The nurse quickly checked the monitors as a doctor came striding in. "O2 stats aren't coming up," she announced.

They sat Casey up off the bed a little so the doctor could listen to his chest. He had his eyes closed and he could scarcely hold his head steady. Severide held onto his cold hand still, not wanting to let go.

"Matt, can you hear me?" the doctor asked him.

He nodded a little.

They laid him back down gently. "Ok, Matt, we'll get you sorted out. Ok?"

Casey could only nod, unable to get any words out. Severide squeezed his hand, rubbing a thumb over his palm.

"We need a CT of his chest ASAP, and I want an Echo of his heart as well," the doctor gave his orders to the staff who had arrived with him, and he walked out with them to get everything set in motion, leaving the nurse and Severide with Casey.

Severide brought his hand up to his lips and kissed it gently. "You'll be all right, they'll fix this."

In response Casey just managed to flick his eyes open briefly. Severide stroked his arm comfortingly, all the while worried about his increasingly wheezing breaths and the low number on the monitor. It was some time before he was taken off for his CT scan.  
  


* * *

 

Casey's doctor was standing looking into the glass sided room, hands in the pockets of his white coat, deep in thought. Casey was asleep and Severide was sitting beside him, holding onto his hand. He was hesitant to enter the room and break the peaceful moment. He'd been with the radiologist, talking through Casey's scans, and needed to go in and inform them of the CT results.

One of his colleagues stopped by him. "Are you all right?"

"Did you know he used be a firefighter, a lieutenant?"

"I didn't know," she responded.

"I've known him since I started working here, then four years ago he lost his leg, almost lost the left two, he lost his spleen, shattered his pelvis. The trauma damaged his kidneys so much that they were unsalvageable. He got a kidney a couple of years ago, he has PTSD, panic attacks, he went into heart failure, he has chronic pain and he's immunosuppressed. He came in with pneumonia, he's septic, and now I have to tell them he has ARDS." He turned to her. "Life's not fair. The guy next door was stabbed eight times by his cellmate and I've just signed the transfer papers so he can recover in the prison hospital. He raped five little girls and he's getting out of here. But that man in there is a hero, and his condition is just getting worse."

"You're doing everything you can for him," she replied quietly. "And the tables may turn yet..."

"Yeah, they might," he answered, but his face was full of doubt.  
  


* * *

Casey had still only semi-conscious when he was brought back to his room where Severide was waiting for him, keeping his constant vigil by Casey's side. A couple of hours later Casey's doctor appeared and asked to speak to Severide outside whilst the nurse carried out her usual and frequent checks on her patient, making sure he was comfortable, laying another blanket over his prone, still form, checking all the ECG leads attached to his chest, his IV lines and catheters. Severide turned briefly, watching her work, before he went out into the corridor outside the glass-walled room.

"It's not good news, Kelly," the doctor began. "We've done a CT of his chest, an Echo of his heart. The CT show fluid filling the air-sacs in his lungs. The pneumonia and septicaemia has caused something called acute respiratory distress syndrome. His lungs aren't providing his organs with enough oxygen, the blood vessels in his lungs are damaged…"

"How do you fix them?" Severide questioned, staring in at Casey, feeling strangely detached from all of this but his heart was breaking.

"What we need to do is make sure he's getting enough oxygen, we'll put him on a mechanical ventilator to force air into his lungs to try and reduce the amount of fluid in the air-sacs," the doctor him.

"What about his heart? What did the Echo show?"

"His heart isn't pumping enough blood around his body, and what it is managing… that blood isn't absorbing enough oxygen," the doctor responded. "Let's go back in, I need to explained to Matt what's happening now."

Severide followed the doctor back over to Casey's side, where the nurse had finished her work and after briefly confirming to the doctor her checks showed everything was stable, she left to go back to the nurse's station.

Severide took Casey's cold hand and spoke to him with a gentle voice. "Matty, can you hear me?"

Casey's eyes stayed closed but he nodded slightly, reluctant to speak for fear of triggering another coughing fit.

"The doctor needs to talk to you, baby..."

Casey just nodded again.

"Matt, we need to put you onto a ventilator, it will help you to breathe because you're not getting enough oxygen," the doctor explained slowly.

"How... long..." Casey murmured, his voice little more than a whisper.

"We don't know," the doctor answered honestly. "There is a chance that you won't be able to breathe again without it."

"I'm dying…"

The doctor nodded. "You might, but we're doing everything we can to give you the best possible chance."

"Kel… ask… Kel… he's… he's in charge… he's making the decisions… let him…"

"We know, Matt," the doctor told him softly.

Casey was intubated. Severide had kissed him and spoke soothing words to him as the medication began to take effect, once he was unconscious and his cough reflex paralysed, they put him on the ventilator.  
  


* * *

 

Casey had been on the mechanical ventilator for more than twenty-four hours now, he was in and out of consciousness. Despite the oxygen being pumped into his body, Casey's lips and finger tips were discoloured and his limbs and hands were cold to the touch. Severide was sitting beside him, twirling the commitment ring in his hand, he wanted to slip it on Casey's finger but they wouldn't allow that in here. But now he wasn't sure if Casey would ever get out of here, and Severide could feel his resolve starting to waiver, and his optimism was fading.

Casey's nurse walked in, followed by another nurse, they both smiled politely at Severide. "Hey, Kelly. How is he doing?" she asked him out of kindness.

"We managed to watch a bit of a movie together this morning," Severide responded.

She smiled. "I saw."

"Should he, erm, should he be wanting to talk, you know, with the pen and paper? I tried to show him…"

"He's gonna be really tired and pretty out of it with the meds, it's really good that he's opening his eyes, looking at you and the TV screen."

"Yeah, hopefully he'll become more aware eventually," Severide responded.

"We need to wash him now, and do an…"

"Ah, right, of course, all right, I'll just get a change of scenery then," he replied. "Hear that, Matt, I'm just going outside, ok? I won't be too long." He touched Casey's hand, brushing his own warm hand over Casey's almost stone cold one.

Severide stepped outside of the room. He sat down heavily on one of the plastic chairs and pulled out his phone. For a couple of days now he had been thinking about calling Casey's mom and sister, but hadn't yet because he knew that Casey didn't want him to, or at least that's what he had told Severide a while ago when he had first fallen so ill. Severide knew Casey well and was sure that in his heart he would want his family to be there for him. The family that he loved so much with all he had despite the way they had treated him over the years. Severide had never thought he would understand it all but he understood it now. They may not be perfect, far from it, but they were all the family Casey had, and he loved them in spite of everything, without them he wouldn't be who he was today.


	62. Last Rites

Casey was in a drug-induced sleep and Severide was in his usual place, right by his side. It had been one week since they'd had to use a mechanical ventilator to keep Casey's oxygen intake at a reasonable level. There had been no improvement to his health despite all their treatment. Severide was beginning to think everything that was being done was becoming futile because Casey was getting no better, and he was intelligent enough to know that the longer things didn't improve the sooner his condition would start to deteriorate. He had spoken to Casey's sister, explained the situation as best as he could to her, she came by to visit but barely stayed any time at all, almost rushing out of the room after seeing Casey, it had been some time since she'd seen her younger brother. He hadn't managed to speak to his mom yet.

The doctor was standing by the end of Casey's bed studying his chart. "Kelly, we may just be buying time but with your permission we could put Matt on ECMO."

"What's that?" Severide asked, pulling his eyes away from Casey's inert form.

"It's like a bypass machine. It will oxygenate his blood outside of his body, it'll do what his lungs and heart are struggling to do at the moment," the doctor told him.

"It'll make him better?"

"No, it won't cure the infection but it will help to sustain his life," he replied.

"To give his body chance to fight the infections," Severide half questioned.

"In theory yes," the doctor responded a little noncommittally.

"He might never recover from the infections… but he might..."

The doctored nodded. "Yes, he might."

"This will give him more time," Severide said, looking back at Casey.

"Yes, and reduce the risk of permanent damage to his lungs," the doctor replied.

"What does it involve, exactly? Is it invasive? Painful?"

"It is invasive, yes, but we try to keep the pain levels down and he'll be sedated anyway. It's a surgical procedure and it can be done in here. We insert some cannulas into the femoral artery and vein. The blood will come from the left femoral vein, be oxygenated and then returned into the right artery," he told Severide. "It might look overwhelming when you first see all the equipment after the procedure but it'll provide support for both his heart and lungs…"

"And the risks?" Severide questioned further.

"We'll have to give him heparin…"

"He always hates that… gets nosebleeds," Severide said, recalling them vividly.

"That may well happen, he may also bleed through his mouth or the IV sites but we'll managed it, and he will be unconscious," the doctor told him.

"Is there a risk to his kidney?"

"Yes and no, no because he's already on dialysis," the doctor answered.

"Ok." Severide nodded, trying to take it all in, realising it probably sounded far worse than it actually was.

"There's also a risk of further infection, and risk a to his brain, Kelly, this isn't without possible complications but if this buys him some time and helps his lungs it may make the difference between recovery and… and no recovery. The ventilator itself may damage his lungs because of the amount of oxygen we're having to use at such a high pressure to keep his O2 stats up, we'll able to turn the machine down when the ECMO is in place. It'll give his heart and lungs more of a chance. Kelly, I wouldn't be recommending all this if I didn't think it would be beneficial, but there are no guarantees," the doctor said. "This is more supportive care, it's not a treatment."

"I know. And thank you for putting up with all my questions… let's do it," Severide told the doctor. He turned and took Casey's hand, leaning close to his ear. "Hear that, baby? Don't give up now, all right?" His voice broke and tears sprang to his eyes, trickling down his face. He sniffed and wiped his cheeks, turning his head as the doctor spoke again.

"You can sign the forms now and we can do the procedure right away," the doctor said.

"Ok. Let's do this…" Severide straightened up and composed himself again.  
  


* * *

 

About an hour later Severide was standing outside of Casey's room. He'd been asked to leave the room whilst the Doctor, ECMO technician, and one of the nurses carried out the cannulation procedure. The machine would be attached to an artery and a vein in his groin whilst he was heavily sedated. Casey was covered in sterile drapes before they began by injecting lidocaine into the first site. As the doctor worked quickly to isolate Casey's femoral vein, the nurse suctioned the dark red blood away to enable him to have a clear view of what he was doing. A few minutes later, the guide wire was in and was soon inserting the cannula, before stitching up the wound around the large tube. He placed gauze around the site and moved to Casey's other side so he could repeat the procedure and attach the other cannula to Casey's femoral artery, a slightly more complicated surgery given that arterial blood flows at higher pressure than venous blood.

Once the arterial cannula was secured in place and the wound had been stitched, with both the cannulas now secured in place over the top of his legs, the doctor removed his mask and gloves and left the nurse to clean Casey up, the technician remained, and would remain close by whilst Casey remained on the machine. She removed all the blood-soaked drapes and placed them in a disposal bag, then went about cleaning the blood away from his pale flesh with antiseptic wipes. It was smudged over his skin where it had soaked through the sterile drapes, and pooled by his groins and over his hips where the bones jutted out. He'd lost so much weight already. The absorbent sheets underneath him were also soaked bright red and would need replacing. She had placed a couple of modesty cloths over him as she worked.

Severide had been trying to peer into the room but he couldn't see much at all, they had drawn the curtains across the glass-sided room, which he was actually relieved about for a change. He hated it when Casey had to go through things like this, and he wanted to be with him whenever he thought he could be suffering or in pain, as he had been when they had removed the external fixator from his left leg all that time ago, and when he'd had a bronchoscopy a couple of weeks ago. Severide had seen many sights on and off the job in his lifetime, and dealt with them objectively but despite this he had never been able to get used to anything being done to his Casey.

In the end Severide had ended up sitting on a bench outside the hospital by the parking lot. He needed fresh air, needed to clear his head, needed to try and make sense of it all. He was huddled in his winter coat, which Casey had made him buy because apparently, he couldn't just wear his leather jacket all the time. And for once he was glad he had listened to Casey as he sat there, eyes closed, taking in some long breaths of cold air.

He had his arms wrapped around himself, deep in thought, when he heard footsteps and a familiar voice. "Kelly?"

"Chief?" Severide opened his eyes, frowning up at the sight of Chief Boden standing in front of him.

"Just wanted to check on Casey… is it a bad time?"

"I'm sorry, he's gonna be out of it for a while, they've sedated him, and he'll probably remain sedated. They're putting him on an ECMO machine right now…"

"How bad is it?" Boden asked. Since Severide had taken furlough to be with Casey, he had inadvertently left everyone at the firehouse out of the loop, too focused on Casey to update them, only speaking to Shay when she called him for a daily chat, who kept most matters private.

"He's no better… I didn't say when I last spoke to you; he has sepsis now, he's in respiratory failure. That's why they want to do this to him now… it's not a treatment though. I hope it's all worth it… he can't make his decisions now, he wants me to…"

"He wants you to because he trusts you," Boden told him.

Severide couldn't speak to reply. Couldn't trust himself not to break down. Instead he stood up and began to walk back inside, Boden by his side.

"Chief…" he began as the entered the hospital. "I don't know if he's gonna make it. What if this is just futile? He's in acute respiratory distress, they say he could go into multisystem organ failure; that's what will kill him… I think he's going to die. I think his organs are going to shut down and he's going to die. He's going to die."

"I'm sure if they thought this ECMO thing was futile they wouldn't bother with it," Boden spoke. "Kelly, listen to me, you cannot go thinking the worst, you know you can't…"

"He's dying!" Severide's voice was raised now, earning him a few looks from those close by them in the corridor.

"He is not dying. He is in this building. And he is alive, Kelly. He is not dying." Boden stepped forward and pulled Severide into a comforting hug, rubbing his back briefly. Then he pulled back, looking into Severide's face with serious eyes. "Kelly, if Casey was conscious right now, what would he say?"

"I'm fine," Severide answered, shaking his head, scoffing. Then he thought for a moment and spoke again. "He'd tell me not to worry. That everything would be all right."

Boden gave a short nod.

"He is going to be all right, like you said, they wouldn't bother doing all this if there wasn't any hope…"

"Exactly, Kelly. Now get back up there to him. And do not let him go, ok?"

Severide nodded as Boden strode out the exit, then he turned to go back up to the ICU where Casey would have to remain for the foreseeable future.  
  


* * *

 

Soon Severide was back in the ICU, working up the courage to go back into Casey's room. He opened the door a little where one of Casey's nurses was still cleaning him up. She nodded for him to go in. They had warned him about the blood but assured him it was quite normal and nothing to worry about. The huge cannulas that were inserted into Casey's groins were full of blood as the ECMO machine worked in place of his heart and lungs, making Severide wince. Made him worry that Casey would be in great pain when he was conscious again. If he was conscious again. No matter what Boden or the medical team told him, it was impossible for him to erase that doubt that Casey would survive this.

Severide stepped up to Casey's side, just staring down at him, wanting to take his hand, but looking up questioningly at the nurse. "Can I hold his hand?"

She smiled warmly at him. "Of course."

"He... he can't feel all of… this, right?" he asked, emotion taking over, holding Casey's cold hand.

"No, he can't. He's heavily sedated at the moment so he isn't in any pain," she assured him.

"Will he wake up?" Severide asked, eyes focused on Casey again.

"He'll remain lightly sedated like before, they want to let his body rest so that he can get better," she told him.

"Have you ever seen something similar, and they've got better?"

"Each case is different," she replied diplomatically.  
  


* * *

 

Ten had days passed by since Casey had been put on ECMO. There had been no change in his condition. His body was being ravaged with infections, unable to fight anything off because of the immunosuppressants he'd been taking to stop his kidney from being rejected, his kidney that was now failing, along with his lungs and heart. The ECMO and dialysis machines were taking most of the strain off those organs, trying to give his body a chance to fight back against both bacterial and viral pneumonia and the septicaemia, ECMO had helped his lungs through the ARDS at least but his body was still struggling.

"How is he?" Severide asked the doctor during rounds.

The doctor took a moment to respond. "Looking at his latest bloodwork, his stats, I'm worried that he's going to go into organ failure, we can't do anything more to stop that. Perhaps it's better to stop the treatment, and think of end of life care, to make him comfortable, Kelly..."

"No. No way."

"It's very hard but sometimes it's for the best, sometimes we get to the point when trying to treat a patient becomes pointless, it's just making them suffer for longer."

"He's going to be fine."

"It's your decision but I'll warn you, even if we manage to get him to pull through... there may be a lot of damage, if more of his organs begin to fail, if tissue starts to die… Kelly, his limbs aren't getting enough blood, if it gets any worse… Kelly, he could end up losing his hands, his leg… his body is trying to be very conservative, it's trying to protect the vital organs as much as it can but…"

"But it might not happen, he's been stable, he's not got any worse for days," Severide retorted. "And there might not be any permanent damage?"

"No, we don't know for certain. Not yet," the doctor replied.

"So, give him a chance then," Severide urged.

"Kelly, the longer we wait, with no improvement, he's just going to deteriorate. I know he's been through so much and got through it all, this time, it's different. He doesn't… it's not fair but he doesn't have a fair chance this time. You know that really, and so does Matt, that's why he wanted you to make the decisions. You know him better than anyone…"

Severide was shaking his head, there were tears brimming in his eyes. "Are you trying to tell me to end all this?"

"I can't give you what you want to hear, I wish I could."

"I know him better than anyone… but he knows _me_ better than anyone. I… I don't know how he thought I could make this decision."

The doctor nodded. "If you want to talk to me about it all again, or have any more questions, about anything, then do. Or if there's anyone else you want to talk to, there's a Chaplain here during visiting hours, and a social worker..."

"Thanks."

Severide returned to Casey's side as the doctor left them in peace.

"What do I do, Matt? What do I do? I need you, do you hear me? I need you. You're not allowed to go anywhere, all right? But… but if… if this is all too much… if…" He swallowed. "I can't just let you die. I can't do it, but maybe I have to because I love you. I don't know what to do, Matt…"

He stilled, he could have sworn Casey's hand had moved. He took hold of it

"Can you hear me? Matt, if you can hear me, squeeze my hand again…"

Severide's heart plummeted when there was no response. He looked back up to Casey's face, obscured by the tubes, as he did he felt movement. It was only light but it was movement. Casey had tried his hardest to squeeze his hand. Then his eyes flickered open and closed again.

"I'm here, I'm right here…"  
  


* * *

 

Chaplain Orlovsky entered Casey's hospital room later on that day. Severide had called him earlier on in a panicked state, so the chaplain had promised to visit him at the hospital. Much like everyone else the Chaplain was aware of Casey's current situation, although he didn't know the full extent until he saw Casey lying on the hospital bed.

"Chaplain." Severide stood up and greeted the man with a warm handshake. "He's… they think... they say he's dying. I… I don't really know what I'm doing, I just… I just wondered if you could talk to him, maybe, I don't know… comfort him? I… I'm out of my depth and… they think he's dying and…" Severide couldn't speak any more and the Chaplain could see his obvious distress.

He placed a gentle hand on Severide's shoulder. "I will sit with him, and speak to him."

"Thank you."

"I know he didn't practice, and I know why, but I can perform Last Rites, I think it's something he would want," the Chaplain spoke.

"Do I… do I stay?"

Orlovsky nodded. "You may find the words also bring you comfort, Kelly, and I'm sure Matt would want you here."

The Chaplain remained with Casey for some time after performing Last Rites. Severide went outside the room, sitting down on one of the plastic chairs, whilst the Chaplain remained with Casey. He didn't feel that he should be in the room with them at that moment after all those words had been spoken. Severide sat back and rested his head on the wall behind him, closing his eyes and breathing deeply, trying to relax away some of the stress that was knotting his muscles and giving him a headache. He figured he must have dozed off, as he became aware of someone's presence beside him and he opened his eyes to see the chaplain next to him, smiling a little at him.

"I have a decision to make," Severide began. "I have made it already… but it might be wrong."

"Do you want me to change your mind? Because if you have truly decided, I don't think anything will do that," the Chaplain responded.

"I don't want him to be in pain, I don't want him to suffer," he shook his head, trying to steady himself, speaking slowly. "He would never want to be kept alive like this. I know that. But I don't think he's just being kept alive, I think he is getting better. Earlier I spoke to him and I know he's still there, he's fighting, I know he is. But apparently, he might not have even heard me, squeezing my hand might not have been voluntary."

"Kelly, he gave you the power over his medical decisions because he trusts you," the Chaplain told him sincerely.

"If he recovers they don't know what his quality of life will be like, there aren't any answers. Is it better to let him go peacefully now? Because what if he gets worse? Or what if he just exists... exists in a vegetative state for the rest of his life and no one would ever know what hell he could be going through?"

"I don't have the answer either, Kelly. The answer is here, it's in your heart, you know what to do," Orlovsky responded, holding Severide's hand to his chest.


	63. Hanging On

The constant varying sounds from all the monitors connected to Casey were strangely comforting to Severide. They told him that Casey still lived. The bedside rail had been lowered and Severide was lying over the edge of the bed, his head resting against Casey's still arm. Although Severide's eyes were closed, he wasn't sleeping, he was just listening to the gentle whirring and beeping of the medical equipment, waiting until it was time for the morning rounds. He always made sure he was there for first rounds every morning, and today was no exception. There was an empty polystyrene cup on the swing table from the coffee he had managed to down when he first arrived, rather than wait to make one at home. He had placed Casey's headphones on the table too, charging ready so he could slip them over Casey's ears later on. He wanted Casey to hear more than just the human voices around him, because he was certain that although he couldn't respond, he could hear everything that was going on around him.

"Morning, Kelly," Casey's doctor greeted as he came into the room with his staff.

"Hey, doc…" Severide sat up in chair, leaving the side of the bed down.

"Do we need to start charging you rent?" the man began in jest.

Severide smiled, although it wasn't heartfelt. "He knows I'm here," he told the doctor.

The doctor nodded. "We need to do a tracheotomy today, Kelly."

"Why?"

"He's been on the ventilator for almost three weeks now, since we're continuing supportive care, we need to give him a more stable airway…"

"Has there been any improvement?" Severide spoke. "He squeezed my hand yesterday."

"He's not deteriorated, that's positive," the doctor responded.

"Yeah." Severide said, trying to smile. "What about the heparin?" he asked.

"We'll probably have to give him a transfusion because of there's likely to be a lot of bleeding," the doctor warned him.

"Is it worth that risk?" Severide questioned.

"It will be better in the long term."

"Long term? I like that."

"I'll schedule it in for this afternoon. We'll do it at his bedside, I don't want to move him," the doctor told him.

Casey's nose had started to bleed not long after the doctor had left to complete his rounds. It began as a soft tiny trickle that Severide had dabbed away with a tissue, but it wouldn't stop, it only got worse and before long, Severide had to hit the call button as he held another handful of tissues to staunch the flow of blood from Casey's nose. Only a couple of days ago Casey's gums had started to bleed spontaneously and it had taken quite some time for it to stop. It was one of the side effects from the high dosage of heparin they were currently having to give him, preventing his blood from clotting as it went through the ECMO process.

"This isn't allowed today, baby," Severide was speaking to him as the nurse entered, seeing the blood. "They gotta put a hole in your throat later, you're not allowed to bleed like this, all right?"

The nurse got to work on Casey and succeeded in stopping the bleed after a fairly short time, so she was able to clear away all the soiled absorbent sheets and tissues, and clean all the blood from Casey's face and neck.

"This seems to be happening more often?" Severide said, half questioningly as he watched her work on Casey.

"'It's not unusual in patients who are on such a high dose of anti-coagulants like Matt is, but we can manage it fairly well," the nurse told Severide the same thing as the doctor had said before.

"How long to people usually stay on ECMO?" he asked.

"Usually no more than a couple of weeks, but sometimes up to a month," she answered.

"I thought it was good that they want to give him a more stable airway but, actually, that means they think he's gonna need it for a while longer," he commented. "And what if he doesn't stop bleeding?"

"The benefits do outweigh the risks, Kelly," she said. "But you're bound to be worried about him. Is there anyone you can call to be here for you? A friend? I know you want to be here for Matt all of the time, but you can't help him if you don't look after yourself."

* * *

Shay found Severide sitting outside in the small garden next to the hospital. The air was cold even though the sun was glaring down from a blue cloudless sky. He was looking up, wearing shades when she approached him "You look like you could do with some sun," Shay began as she sat down by him, passing him a cup of coffee.

"Hi," he greeted, taking the drink from her and gratefully swallowing some of the warm liquid. "Thanks, that's good..."

"So, he's hanging on in there," she said between sips of her own drink.

"Yeah," he nodded. "They're giving him a tracheotomy right now."

"It's not a long procedure," she responded, smiling a little. "And it'll be better for Matt as well..."

"Yeah, that's what the doctor said. I can go back up soon anyway."

"I wasn't joking when I said you need more sun, you need some fresh air and…"

"What I need is for Matt to get better, or some sort of solid answer," he said with a heavy sigh. "I don't know if he's gonna fight to get past this."

"Of course he's gonna fight…"

"I can't give him what he wants, I can't help but think… I don't know if he thinks there's much point in getting through this."

Shay frowned, raking blond locks off her face and tucking them behind one ear. "What are you talking about?"

"What has he always wanted? The only thing he's wanted from day one…"

"Family. But he has all of us," Shay responded.

"He wants a child, and I can't give him that," he said quietly.

Shay hid the shock from her expression. "I'm sorry, Kelly, I didn't know."

"I didn't know either… it was gonna be our way forward, we're gonna struggle to adopt, would have been less of a struggle to get a surrogate… but I can't even do that for him." He looked away from her, blinking tears from his eyes, feeling far more emotional about it now than when he'd first found out, but with everything that was happening with Casey his emotions were no surprise.

She rubbed his back in a comforting gesture. "Kelly, he loves you, I doubt it's changed anything."

"That's what he said," Severide responded.

"Then listen to him." She smiled.

Severide didn't say anything else about it, he just sighed heavily.

"Kelly, they are doing the best they can for him, and so are you. I can't tell you not to worry, or magically stop you from worrying, but I will tell you that you're doing so much right, so much good… let's go and see if they're all done, all right?"

* * *

When they got back up to Casey's room in the ICU, they saw the curtains were still drawn across the glass wall, and one of Casey's nurses stopped them going inside, asking them to wait for the doctor, alarming Severide and making his heart pound faster, but luckily it didn't take long for the doctor to appear from the room.

"All sorted? Everything ok?" Severide asked nervously. Shay was standing by him, one hand on his arm. They were both anxious.

"The procedure's finished." The doctor nodded. "But we're giving him a blood transfusion because he's still bleeding."

"We can go in?" Severide asked, half assuming they would be allowed to go straight in to see Casey.

"You can, but I wouldn't advise it, you don't want to see him like this. Give it a little while yet..." the doctor told them soberly.

"Kelly," Shay began softly. "Let's just wait out here, yeah?"

"No, I want…"

"I know you want to be with him, and you will be, but for now, let's wait," she tried to persuade him.

"Just for a little while," he responded, and they both sat down as the doctor walked away.

Shay could tell that Severide was getting frustrated, she could see the thoughts whirling through his mind. It was no surprise to her when he shot up from his seat only a few minutes later.

"Screw this…" he muttered, turning and making his way into Casey's room. Shay had stood up but did nothing to stop him, she knew she wouldn't be able too.

Severide slid Casey's ICU room door open. His nurse, who was sitting by the bedside, turned to look at him, surprised at his sudden appearance. Severide find he couldn't walk any further. He was glued to the spot, staring at Casey's pale form on the hospital bed. He had to blink away the image of Casey laying trapped beneath the debris and rubble in that concrete tomb, but he couldn't. There was so much blood. Too much blood. And Casey's skin was too pale. Too white and translucent.

He shakily made his way over to the bed, his hands forming fists again and again as he walked up to Casey, trying to steady his breaths. His heart felt like it was going to leap out of his throat. He felt sick at the thoughts and images going through his mind. He couldn't see Casey like this. But he couldn't leave him. He didn't want Casey to be suffering like this. It almost looked barbaric. He wanted to turn away. He wanted to close his eyes. But he couldn't. Because he wanted to be right by his side and holding his hand, letting him know that he wasn't alone and would never ever be alone. He wanted to feel his skin and see his chest moving up and down.

Severide took a breath and stepped over to the bed, and he took Casey's hand.

* * *

Casey had walked into the hospital over a month ago and his health had only become worse, what they had thought was the flu had sent him to the ICU, putting him on a mechanical ventilator and an ECMO machine in an attempt to prevent permanent damage to his organs and tissue. In the past couple of weeks, he'd barely been conscious or aware and Severide was still tying himself in knots over the decisions he had made. But Casey did trust him and Severide knew in his heart that everything he was doing was in Casey's best interest.

There was a knock on the door and Severide turned to see his father standing outside. He frowned, standing up and walking out into the corridor. "What are you doing here?" Severide questioned, sliding the door closed on the off chance that Casey actually could overhear anything. He was well aware that Benny must have had words with Casey some time ago, but neither himself nor Casey had ever brought the matter up, even though there was palpable tension between the two men in Severide's life.

"I stopped by your new place, you weren't in, one of your neighbours said you were probably here, because of Matt," Benny spoke.

"What are you doing here?" he asked again.

"I may not always be approving of your decisions, Kelly, I come from a different generation… but haven't I always tried to support you?"

Severide was pleasantly surprised at how reasonable Benny seemed to be and wondered just exactly what the catch was. He just shrugged. "In your own way…"

"How bad is it?" Benny asked, nodded towards Casey.

"Well, he's not been able to breathe for so long on his own that they've had to trach him and… and the doctor has brought up end of life care…"

"I'm sorry, Kelly, I know how much he means to you," Benny responded, placing a hand gently on his son's shoulder by way of some small comfort. "Is there anything I can do?"

Severide turned to face his father, looking into his face. "We're going to get married, dad. When he gets out of here, we're getting married." Severide almost laughed at himself telling his father he was actually getting married finally, hardly able to believe it was actually true.

Benny nodded then smiled at his son. "'So, I guess I have a bachelor party to arrange and take care of then? I'll plan it all for you, and please let me pay for everything as well... it's the least I can do for you both..." Benny's tone was questioning, and he was hopeful that he could make up in some small way for how he had treated Casey in the past.

Severide smiled. "Thanks dad, really. That sounds great."

* * *

Casey's condition had stabilised but he wasn't getting any better. His fever had lessened considerably and his oxygen saturation rate was steady, although still low. His care team continued to keep him as comfortable, and as pain free as they could. Severide of course, stayed right by his side as much a he could. He would read to him, talk to him, and even play videos of them together on his phone, just so Casey could think about all the good times if he could hear him.

"He's still very sick, Kelly," the doctor was saying but Severide hadn't been paying much attention to the man's words. It was always the same thing at the moment and he was mentally exhausted with it all.

"But he's hanging on," Severide commented.

"He is," the doctor nodded.

"How are his lungs looking?" he asked.

"The ECMO is doing its job for now, it's his other organs and tissue we need to worry about," the man replied.

Severide nodded. "Got any tests or scans today?"

"No," the doctor responded.

He frowned, pulling his gaze away from Casey and looking at him now. "He's not had any scans any for days?"

"No," the doctor answered.

"Is that good or bad?"

"There's been no change, Kelly," the doctor told him

"He knows I'm here," Severide's voice was low and gentle, as if he didn't want to wake Casey, like he was just sleeping.

"He still has sepsis, Kelly. He still has pneumonia. He's severely ill and he's not responded to the antibiotics or antivirals yet, we can only treat the symptoms for so long, you understand that."

"He's still with us though," Severide said, "He's made it this far."

"He has, but it's possible it's caused permanent damage, and we can't stop more complications from happening if he doesn't improve. If his blood pressure drops much more, if he goes into septic shock then his tissue, his organs, they're gonna start shutting down. His kidney function has already decreased so much that he needed dialysis for more than fortnight now. This is the reality of it, Kelly."

Severide stood up, desperate for some sort of reassurance that he knew in his heart the doctor couldn't realistically give him. "There has to be something you can do. He can't… he can't die like this, not here, not in a hospital…"

"Kelly, he hasn't got any worse in the last few days; that is good."

"I'm sorry, I…"

"You want an answer that I can't give you. We will keep treating him."

"What you said the other day, about him suffering for longer, how do we know… how do I know if, or when, he gets to that point? Or have we passed that point?"

The doctor extended a hand and placed it on Severide's shoulder, understanding his bewilderment and stress. "I'm certain he's not in any physical pain right now."

"Ok. Thank you."

"I will back later, but if need me then the nurse will page, all right?"

"Yeah, thanks, doc…"


End file.
